movie review: tree of life.

I'm 100% qualified to write a review on this movie for the following reasons: I saw the movie and I can form sentences.

Let's start with stars.

I'm giving this movie 1 out of 13 stars.
The 1 star is for location, location, location! There are just NOT enough movies set in Waco, Texas these days!

Let's move on to hearts.

I'm giving this movie 3 out of 8 hearts.

There was a lot of love in this movie. And a lot of talk of love in this movie. And I learned a lot about love. For example: if you have to ask your son if he, "loves his father?" it's likely that he does not love his father.

Now on to the review:

Admittedly, I walked into the movie knowing very little of the premise. But, more than one person that I like said this movie was "amazing," coupled with the facts that Brad Pitt rarely makes terrible movies and Sean Penn has won an Oscar, I thought, "let's do it."

I would've watched 2 hours of "My Little Pony Goes to Middle School" before I'd attempt to watch this film again.

The movie starts out with some scripture from Job. Who doesn't love a good Job reference, right? From that moment on I was confused. And not just a little confused, but the kind of confused where you say a really terrible word. You know like, "What the blank is happening?"

The opening scene shows us two parents getting the news that one of their children has died. Then, we meet up with Sean Penn and his wife? And his wife cut a branch off of a tree before heading out to work for the day. Just some light gardening. Nothing serious. That scene was followed by approximately 28 minutes of waterfalls, volcanoes erupting, waves crashing to shore, clouds, flowers and then suddenly, FINALLY, we see a dinosaur on the shore of what looks to be Galveston. The dinosaur has been hurt! He has been bitten by a shark! Then we see sharks. Then, it's back to nature! Then, we see some more dinosaurs frolicking in a stream near the Idaho-Montana border. Then, we are graciously taken to Waco, Texas for the birth of a baby. I think, and I will never know for sure, but I think this baby grew up to be Sean Penn.

The next hour and a half was a blur of three boys playing and three boys being yelled at by Brad Pitt and three boys loving their mother. Then, one of the boys (the one who may have grown up to be Sean Penn) snuck into a neighbor's house and stole some lingerie. This was before he shot his brother (who also could've grown up to be Sean Penn) with a BB gun. All of that happened before Brad Pitt lost his job and took a job that no one else wanted.

The one boy, the maybe Sean Penn boy, spends a lot of the film praying and asking God if he's real and then also if God can help him be good.

There's very little dialogue in the film, which is fine by me and from just an art standpoint, the movie is really pretty, but...I have no idea what it was about. Like, zero ideas.

At the end of the movie, Sean Penn walks through a door frame in the desert and then meets up with his family on the beach. His mom is there and she does a ballet routine with another woman, who might be an angel. Or maybe just a friend-- I can't be sure.

And spoiler alert: it was over after that.

Questions left unanswered: What the F? What the hell? What the what? What was up with that dinosaur? Did anybody in this movie have a name?

Themes: Boys like to play, nature, spiritual wrestling within happens, Waco

Favorite part: The part where they showed Reunion Tower in Dallas.

Unless you're much smarter or just like to be confused for long periods of time I wouldn't recommend seeing this film.

For a little more depth, check out this review: Flick Filosopher.

wwc.

In honor of the Women's World Cup.

the bachelorette: asian fusion.

Are these idiots on the 'Amazing Race' now?

I love the video of everyone on the bus with her VO (voice over, for those not in the 'know'). It was like they were all graduating from high school.

"This year marks the 100-year anniversary of Taiwain...we're very fortunate to be here RIGHT NOW." --Chris

Because last year was less special? Or next year is going to suck? I'm seeing very little pomp going on regarding 100 years.

This week, we learn that there are four dates, NOT three, but FOUR. Just three. Not four. JP doesn't like it. And we learn as the episode goes on, "When JP ain't happy, ain't no one happy."

Really digging Ames' outfit. I had no idea you could still get Adidas pants like that. I wonder if they are snap-down? If so, I had a similar pair in 8th grade. So, does Ames dress like a 14-year-old gUrl? You said it, not me.

Choo-choo.

Here comes the oldest train in the world. Or maybe it's just as old as Taiwan, which would be 100 years old.

Where is the back of the Dentist's shirt? Seriously. Where does she get these shirts?

While on the the train they both discuss the fact that they are holding hands. It leads me to believe that they are around 13-years-old.

LANTERN FESTIVAL.

"We paint wishes on the lantern and they come true." --Dentist

I'm calling it: bull shit.

Ryan is fre.a.kin'. out. I think this dude is going to snap at any point. Give him a one-on-one.

The Dentist tells Constantine that he's exactly what she's attracted to.

Way to play hard to get, idiot.

"What a powerful emotion love is." --Constantine

Hate is powerful, too.

They let the lantern go.

All the mothers cried.

"It's gorgeous." --Constantine, on the lanterns

Or is it 'gorges'?

Ben and the Dentist go check out the scenery. Ben looks exactly like Constantine. I'm starting to wonder if that's confusing for the Dentist.

Ben and the Dentist are taking a moped on their scenic tour.

They get off the moped and suddenly the Dentist has luggage, well not luggage-- a giant tote bag. She did not have that before they got on the moped. While she’s got the tote bag on her shoulder, which is GIANT by the way, I already said that, they make out and say “gorgeous” a lot, but all I can think about is GORGES.

Ben is falling in love, BUT he's not ready to tell her...so he dances around the "L-bomb" quite a bit. Like, it gets awkward. And that gUrl is such a fisherman. Get her a damn pole already. All she does is sit around and get people to say sweet things to her.

"I feel like he's my boyfriend." --The Dentist

SHOCKING.

I'm guessing that the L-Bomb, combined with the fact that the Dentist thinks Ben is her boyfriend is why they had a little shaccident (that's a SHACK-ACCIDENT). JP is beyond upset about it. He's so upset that he puts on a pearl snap shirt. Ben rolls in, in an outfit that can't be described and JP is still upset.

"People in Taiwan love their weddings, especially their photos...we're going to explore this tradition today." --The Dentist

Yes, that tradition is sacred only to Taiwan.

The boyZ have to wear some pretty dumb shit. Especially Ames. Although Ames' outfit was better than whatever it was Ben rolled in wearing. Of course, JP, the little baby gUrl, gets to wear a tuxedo. However, he still manages to be a little baby gUrl while watching everyone get their "wedding photos" taken.

"The guys didn't have as much fun as I hoped they would have." --The Dentist

Dingdingding! BoyZ don't like having their picture taken, especially while wearing dumb clothes in Taiwan while watching other boyZ kiss their ladddddddddddddddddy.

The Dentist tries to comfort Lucas by telling him he wasn't wearing a dress, but a long shirt. What an idiot. It was a dress. And an ugly one at that.

"Do you think I'd fit in?" --The Dentist

If my brother brought you home at Christmas, I'd quit going home for Christmas.

Ames being the little sweetie that he is, brought some family photos to show the Dentist. I'm all in with Ames after seeing his elementary school photos AND his deep pink/red pants. I'm not sure I'd want him to wear them at night on a date, but I'm on board otherwise. He also shouldn't wear them around my family because they'd think he likes males, but otherwise: good to go.

JP starts being a little baby gUrl again to the Dentist, so of course she gives him a rose. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo typical.

It's finally turn for Mr. Sunshine's one-on-one date. Again, the Dentist has lost the back to her shirt.

They go to a temple and I was stressed out. Mainly because of the chanting. I get distracted very easily by noises, so I would've been done on this date real quick. And how the hell did she know that that dude was a match-making god? Somebody made that shit up.

I like that they sat on the steps and discussed Tai Chi. I mean, why not? I personally love going on dates and discussing the finer aspects of Tai Chi.

Ryan gets weirdsies and starts to cry (almost) when discussing the Dentist heading home to meet his family. I bet his family sits around on a regular basis singing "Kumbaya."

They sit down for a picnic and Ryan drops the really hard questions like, "What do you do for the environment?" And then...he goes off on WATER HEATERS. Yes, water heaters. I quit listening pretty quickly.

"Why doesn't every house have a tankless water heater?" --Mr. Sunshine

I'm starting to guess this has a lot to do with why you haven't been on a one-on-one date, sir.

The Dentist tells Mr. Sunshine she's not feeling the romance. His face drops, especially when he realizes that, NO, she doesn't want to meet his family. Oopsies. Date over. Relationship over. Go practice Tai Chi next to your tankless water heater.

"I'm shocked. I don't want to be alone." --Mr. Sunshine

Well, don't talk about water heaters on dates then.

Seriously.

I think Ryan walked away and threw up. And then he cussed a lot. I didn't know he knew words like that! They certainly don't say words like that on the "Brady Bunch," so where did he learn them?

Then they made Ryan wander around the streets of Taiwan alone.

That's just sad, ABC. Just plain sad.

COCKTAIL PARTY.

Ames makes the observation that there are only five of them left.

Chris comes for his weekly therapy session. I was bored with it. But, to make time for Barbie Emily's cry-fest after the roses are handed out, they skip the actual cocktail party.

Does Ben know how to tie a tie? I'm just saying: if you're wearing a tie, just tie it. If you're looking all dapper in your fancy suit, you look like an idiot when your tie is like that. And go ahead and button that top button, too.

How does she give a rose to two people who could be identical twins?

Ames gets the final rose.

JP, who's turned into a real asshole, didn't expect Ames to get a rose and then tells him that.

Lucas is just looking for someone to go to breakfast with, so West Texas ladies: if you know of a good pancake place give him a holler. He'll call you sweetie and baby. A lot.

And then she cried a lot. And now, we have to listen to Barbie Emily cry a lot.

BARBIE EMILY

She tells us what People Magazine already did: they are no longer engaged. SHOCKER. No one, saw that coming, right?

"We left the dotdotdot." --Barbie Emily

OMG. What is this?! That's not a phrase!

If there are so many regrets and tears, then why aren't you making it work, Barbie?

I should've started counting how many times she said, "you know?" That's a huge pet peeve of mine. I feel like people saying, "you know" at the end of their thoughts gives them less validation and/or leads me to believe that they think the people who are listening are idiots and don't understand what they are saying. You know?

Brad gave his blessing for Barbie Emily to sit down with Chris.

Oh, good!

I'm so confused.

"I don't want to worry about not knowing if someone is in the bushes taking pictures." --Barbie Emily

Oh, gUrl, if I had a dollar...

That was dumb.

She didn't tell us anything.

side note(s).

This morning on my way to work I drove past a Budweiser truck delivering beer (I'm only assuming they were delivering beer). I'm not exactly a beer aficionado, which is why I've never really noticed that Budweiser's slogan is, "The King of Beers." This is very troubling to me. Budweiser is supposedly THE American beer. So, shouldn't they go with a slogan that doesn't promote exactly what America is against: kings, dictators, tyrants, etc;? Am I right?

In my youth I always wanted to write jingles and/or copy for advertising campaigns, so I've thought of some new slogans for Budweiser. Because, I mean, if your can is wrapped in an American flag, it should be more American.

"Budweiser, the beer for Capitalists."

"Budweiser, the fairly elected official of beers."

"Budweiser, the sitting president of beers."

"Budweiser, it's Manifest Destiny disguised as a beer."

"No Budweiser without representation."

"Give me Budweiser or give me death!"

Also this morning: the final launch of Space Shuttle Atlantis. No big deal, right? False. As Joe Biden would say, "huge f'ing deal." America's space program is one thing that makes America so kick ass. We win at: space, (American) football, reality tv, trials by jury, elections and dreaming big-- hence, the AMERICAN DREAM. It's not the Swedish Dream or the Lithuanian Dream. What would the Lithuanian Dream even consist of? Soft toilet paper and a monthly trip to Aldi?

Casey Anthony will be a "free" woman in like, 9 days. That's insane to me. The other day on the news a commentator said, "Casey, there are 49 other states in this country, I think you should check out at least one of them." I can't name one state that would open their arms to that gUrl.

However, if she's looking to get back into "hot body" contests, I'd advise her to start with Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia or Louisiana as they have the highest obesity rates in the nation according to a new study. Florida's only "kind of" obese. I've also heard that Universal Studios in California is hiring. Oh...too soon?

I obviously don't agree with the jury's verdict in this case, but I'm still thankful that she got a trial by a jury. Look at poor Amanda Knox in Italy-- she got a "fair" trial, but like Casey was convicted by the media long before a jury of her peers found her guilty. Knox was convicted of murder, along with another man, who has said Knox had nothing to do with the killing and still-- she sits in prison. And not even an American prison. A foreign prison. They make movies (and television shows) about shit like that. You know why? Because it's just about everybody's worst nightmare: locked up abroad.

And my last thought on Casey Anthony: as a self-proclaimed "writer" I'm terribly saddened that she'll get a book deal for millions and millions of dollars without any sort of education or passion for writing. The only thing I've ever truly wanted in life (besides a pony, a puppy that stays a puppy forever and a joint checking account) is to be a published writer. And now, I not only have to battle people who are actual writers, but convicted criminals as well. Perfect.

Side note: This is America. Bless it.

the twitter.

Today, our President, yes, my President took to the Twitter to answer some burning questions from/for Americans. I've chosen some of my favorites. Commentary in red. This was obviously something that really made Americans feel like they had a say in their government, which is why they asked the really hard questions.

Can you make out any of the Bon Iver lyrics? #AskObama

Great question. I can't on most songs.

"You would not have Twitter if the Department of Defense and others had not invested in something called the Internet." #askobama

This isn't a question! It's not even a question! I think it's supposed to be a jab.

Can u imagine a world in which Dems & GOP tried to out-compete each other on ways to cut fossil energy dependence? #askobama #onecandream

I can't. Mostly because I dream in technicolor and I dream other things that are way more selfish. And fun.

Mr President how do you plan on engaging young urban voters through social media in the 2012 election? #askobama

What the hell do you think this is?

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? #AskObama

I can't! At least, I don't think I can. But, I want my President to be able to.

In school when they taught you Athens was a model for our Republic, you know they meant ancient Athens, right? #askObama

Zing! Way to phrase this statement as a question.

Since your law degree is useless, did you ever consider going back for something useful to your profession... like economics? #askObama

Zing! But, why is his law degree useless? I thought Michele Bachmann was the one with the useless law degree.

What are your thoughts on the Gadsden Purchase? #AskObama

FAVORITE. QUESTION.

This purchase bought southern Arizona and New Mexico for the US. You know who was President then? Franklin Freakin' Pierce! That's who! I can only imagine that Obama's thoughts on the purchase are nothing by positive.

tis of thee.

A mere 235 years ago a band of rebels got together and formed a nation.

That nation became the greatest country in the world.

I hold that truth to be self-evident.

Rebels posing after signing the Declaration of Independence:

Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin

When thinking about 1776 and all the events it inspired, I can't help but raise my fist in triumph. There was a declaration, there was a war, there was a country. And bam! We're here.

This 4th of July, let's shake our first in triumph.

Happy burrday, America.

I love you too much.

the bachelorette: closure.

This show would save so much time if they did two things. First off, if they didn't recap the previous show at the beginning of each show for 12-15 minutes I could spend more time googling where to buy see through shirts like the Dentist always wears. And second, if they didn't explain the "rules" at the beginning of each episode we could see more awkward interactions between the Dentist and hotel clerks-- like in Thailand. Give the people what they want! This is the 3,061st season of this show. We get the premise. And if the d-bags on the show don't get it, explain it off camera. Let's wrap this shit up. Capiche?

I have very few things to say about the Bentley drama. I'd like to wrap it up quickly: I spend a large amount of my day reading and writing articles. Some of these articles I have to edit. I might even be direct enough to say that my job title may have the word 'editor' in it somewhere. I am no expert on grammar or writing, but I know a little bit*. I have a degree in Journalism**. So, what I'm saying is this: I know grammatical terms and I know punctuation marks. And Ashley, you idiot, there's no such thing as a 'dotdotdot.' It's a freakin' ellipsis. Do you see that? ELLIPSIS. It's not used for the continuation of your love story, it's used to indicate a pause in speech when quoting someone. End Bentley...or is this continued? No, end. No... No, end it.

"Bentley, if you're watching this: F*%$ you." --Dentist

Oh, you! I have to agree.

So, the Dentist goes to see Bentley and then she puts on an ugly shirt to go on a date with Lucas. Half the date they are carrying around a frozen drink concoction. The other half it isn't there. Tricky editing bastards! Lucas looked genuinely scared the whole time they were walking around. His excuse for never having been to New York, or anywhere else for that matter, was that, "I like fishing with my buddies and stuff." Well, that explains it all!

The date isn't over yet-- the Dentist loves the skyline and wants to see it from the best possible way: a lop-sided boat in the middle of the harbor. No worries, she isn't thinking about Bentley at all. And we know that because she keeps telling us.

She is such a fisherman. She fishes for compliments in just about every conversation she has.

"God has a plan for me." --Lucas

That he does. That he does.

I pray that my plan involves me never being on this show.

Is Lucas a prophet?! Psychic?! He wanted three things to happen and they all did. THEY. ALL. HAPPENED. They danced, they kissed, he got the rose!

"His manlihood makes me feel safe." --Dentist

I'm sorry, his what?! His what makes you feel safe?

I could take this to mean SO many different things, but this is a family-friendly blog and we'll just go ahead and leave it at the Dentist being an idiot and using the wrong word, that's not even really a word.

We learn that JP gets the one-on-one. Blake is PIST (SHOUT OUT 2929) that he's "lumped in the same category as Ryan." Well, you know what Boy Dentist? You both fall directly in the tool category, right under the shed.

The Dentist tells us that people in Hong Kong "pride themselves" on dragon boat racing. Um, BULL SHIT. I'm calling you on that. In a country known for so many things involving tradition and ancestry I've never heard anyone say, "the pride of China: dragon boat racing." Come on! Have you seen the gymnasts they produce? Or the products they manufacture? Ever been to Pei Wei or PF Chang? Maybe Hong Kong is different because it was under British rule for so long. Even then, I would think they would be proud of more stuff than a boat full of people rowing around aimlessly in the water. Ok, let me retract: a boat full of people rowing around aimlessly while one person beats a drum.

Do the people of China also pride themselves on bare-midriff? Or is that just dental students from Maine who relocate to Philadelphia?

Ames and Mickey win the race and they get nothing. Oops, they got one trophy. Excuse my false reporting. Actually, it wasn't a trophy. It was a dragon on a stand. Maybe it was a dragon on a boat?

The Dentist watched a proposal on the beach. Could this be foreshadowing?

Ames pulls the Dentist into the elevator for his victory dance. Out of nowhere he starts mugging down on her. He seems like a seasoned pro, timing the closing of the elevator doors with precision. Also, he never even came close to dropping that alcoholic beverage that was probably his 19th of the evening.

Ben raided Mr. Rogers' nighttime closet and had an intimate moment with the Dentist on a balcony. Those two should stick to their imaginary kissing because they are not very good at actual kissing.

"The biggest skeptic of all." --Ben

No. That's probably me.

"If I end up with the gUrl I love that would be a dream come true." --Ben

This is your dream? It's my nightmare.

I'm confused about Mr. Sunshine. All the boyZ loathe him. Don't get me wrong, I'd want to kick the shit out of him, but he doesn't seem like a terrible person or like someone who would throw a puppy out of a moving vehicle. Blake makes bold statements about their "fundamental differences" and then says he's leaving if Mr. Sunshine gets the rose. And guess what? All talk. As my mother would say, "his mouth is writing checks his butt can't cash." None of the boyZ do anything but sit around and stare at each other in disbelief after Sunshine Ryan gets the rosy-rose. And "fundamental differences?" I think you're both lacking fundamentals period.

Rant: How can they still be in disbelief about ANY decisions this gUrl makes? She's clearly insane. You cannot expect an insane person to make rational decisions. And boyZ, hello: she's also extremely annoying and peppy, why are you so shocked that she's into the guy with the exact same personality as her? They were made for each other!

"She makes me feel alive." --JP

Try breathing.

"What was the last thing that made you cry?" --Dentist

Realizing how much time I've spent watching this bull shit and how I could've built a whole orphanage in a foreign country in that amount of time. Jesus is so sad right now. And it's my fault.

The Dentist tells JP about Bentley. She phrases it as nothing more than a secret and JP barely bats an eye. But, that random commercial break really had me for a second! FALSE. ABC, I've figured your game out. Eat it.

"I didn't get good closure." --Dentist

Really? Shocker.

Does she shop at stores that only sell ugly shirts?

JP gets the rose.

Another shocker.

They make out on a train.

So romantic. Who wouldn't want to make out while riding public transportation? Public meaning: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE SAT IN THOSE SEATS and sneezed and wiped their boogers on them. Yes, romance is alive in Hong Kong!

The Dentist is going to prom, y'all!

What.

is.

she.

wearing.

What.

is.

her.

hair.

Seriously, if you put up my prom photo next to her outfit, you would think I looked better. And how many people can look at their prom pictures 10 years later and say that? HER HAIR IS IN AN UP-DO.

The Dentist tells the boyZ about Bentley.

Have you ever thrown shit at a fan? Ten out of 10 times that shit flies back and hits you in the face. That is exactly what we're watching on television right now. Except, she threw shit at seven different fans.

"This is real life." --JP

What a joke! This is a television show!

Listening to the boyZ bitch about this was one of the best things that has ever happened to this show.

The match of the night was Dentist versus Boy Dentist. First off, he makes her stand up and makes her chat, as he cooly sips on his mixed drink. And then, of course, she starts crying and he's over it.

Mickey on the other hand: not over it.

He asked her to send him home and blahblahblah. She says, "ok, pack your bags." And bam! He's on a boat. He ditches her and that up-do. See ya, up-do!

He's on a boat and the up-do is on a "jumbo floating restaurant," aptly named "Jumbo Kingdom."

The Dentist confronts the boyZ and starts bawling and says she just worded things wrong. Really? You mean you haven't been obsessing over some d-bag named Bentley? Oh, ok.

The boyZ fall for it. Everyone moves on.

"You'd have to be heartless to watch that and say, 'oh, I'm out of here.'" --Blake

Well, call me heartless.

"You sandbagging..." --Not Sure

You sandbagging what? Sandbagging what?!

Chris Harrison joins the up-do on the jumbo floating restaurant. The Dentist breaks down. Again. Chris is wearing a suit that looks really fancy-- almost like a tuxedo! Fancy, Chris!

The Dentist wants everyone to feel special. Chris tells her she's full of shit and an idiot. How can anyone take her seriously when she looks like she just got back from a winter formal at Gardner Junior High (SHOUT OUT)?

"Just be Ashley." --Chris

At this point, I would start giving her the advice to be anyone other than Ashley.

Do you think anybody watches Grey's Anatomy at War? There are so many commercials for Grey's Anatomy goes to Afghanistan. My word.

The Dentist gives a dumb speech.

Ames' arms looks really short. Why is he standing like that?!

Everyone gets a rose but boy dentist! The Colgate love fest is over! Pack your Sensodyne and leave the jumbo floating restaurant, Blake!

"I was fairly confident I'd be around next week." --Blake

Are you dying?

"I want someone I respect." --Blake

Not going to find that here.

"Basically, I just want a friend." --Blake

Try Facebook, moron.

The Dentist announces that she is taking the boyZ to Taiwan. Everyone acts as if they've never heard of Taiwan, there is no excitement after the announcement.

I will note though that maybe everyone is right, maybe Thailand was the perfect place to fall in love because no one said that during this episode.

----

* I'm not an expert and even I fall victim to grammatical mistakes.

** My degree is from the University of Arkansas, not Columbia or Northwestern, hence my mistakes.

Please do not take remarks of my knowledge to mean anything more than: 'dotdotdot' is incorrect and I'd like to correct her.