Tuesday, June 5, 2018

the bachelorette :: becca : epi 2.

Becca is on her "first date since Arie" and I think there should be a moratorium on how many times she's allowed to say the word "Arie."

Say Arie again. 

Chrissy Poo arrives to tell the baby bois that Becca isn't here to mess around or take any shit from anyone. He called it advice but it wasn't very advice-y.


Itz group date time and guess what! The men have to wear tuxedos and compete in a Groomsday Obstacle Course. One contestant called it "a complete blindside." Which, he's either an idiot or the one man on earth who hasn't seen this play out before.

Becca is being joined by Rachel Lindsay and that guy that isn't Peter. And once again, ABC has missed out on not giving us what we really want from Rachel-- that damn dog, Copper.

The obstacles on the course all have stupid cliche wedding names, but more importantly, Rachel got to make a really inappropriate joke.

I'm not convinced that Male Model Jordan is a real person with real thoughts in his head. Chris, you know the guy with more teeth in his mouth than most of us, is getting more screen time than Becca and he was definitely that guy in class that asked a question right before the teacher was going to dismiss you. He just. keeps. talking. And then he talks some more.

Lincoln, the man with an accent I have yet to decipher, won the obstacle course, but he cheated. The cheating part only bothered me until Becca brought out an 8x10 of the moment and then Lincoln carried the damn thing around like it was an Olympic medal.

Lincoln got very aggressive while kissing Becca and he described it like "flying to the moon." It looked a little more like a riding lawn mower situation to me.

As the cocktail party progressed and the Young Republicans debated on telling Becca about Lincoln cheating or not, they also decided to take the photo of Lincoln and Becca and throw it into the pool. It was a bold move-- maybe a little over-the-top, but maybe just the right amount of Real World-Road Rules Challenge crazy.

Lincoln is v upset about the photo, but I'm not sure how upset because I cannot understand most of the words he says. Is he Dutch? His accent sounds like he's a fake prince on a Hallmark movie. His haircut says something else.

Of course, Lincoln decided to tell Becca that the photo was thrown into the pool. I think Lincoln is crying. He also feels threatened physically.

"I'm disappointed in Connor. That's a very aggressive reaction to have." -- Becca
Insert SNL's "Welcome to Hell" video here. 

Becca pulled Connor aside and told him it wasn't the best time to continue getting to know each other. Connor's take on it was simply, "I'm definitely not getting the rose." I wasn't paying attention to see who did get the rose. I didn't want to rewind because Lincoln is now crying about "that picture meant a lot to me."

I'm wondering if he grew up without photos or maybe doesn't understand digital photos and that that photo can be printed again. 


It's time for Becca's "first real date since I was engaged" and I'm going to need her to quit with the qualifiers. 

I like ugly sweaters, but this mean's sweater is like, actually ugly. This man's mother or sister should have stepped in during this packing situation. 

For Blake and Becca's 1-on-1 date they are going to tear some shit up with the help of... Lil' Jon. 

I AM SORRY, THIS IS THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US THE WORDS: Three, six, nine, damn your fine / Move it till you sock it to me one more time / Get low, get low (Get Low) get low (Get low) get low (Get low) and now he's here? LIL' JON, FIRE YOUR MANAGER. 

As Becca was in full Demo Day mode, Blake said he really liked how happy she was destroying shit. I mean, I get that, but also-- weird. She just got mad at a guy for throwing a photo in a pool and yeah, I don't understand anything. 

Oh guess what, this is Becca's FIRST ONE-ON-ONE SINCE SHE WAS ENGAGED TO ARIE. So, Lil' Jon, to answer your question, "turn down for what?" Becca clearly turns down for the phrase "since I was engaged."

Blake has decided to tell Becca about the time he read some texts on his ex's phone. Not cool, bro. Not cool. Becca ignores that part of his story and gives him the rose. No one ate their dinner.


It's time for another competitive group date and you know, those always bring out the best in grown men. It's a dodgeball date and one guy keeps pelting Becca. No one cares about dodgeball. We care that Fred Willard has obviously sold his soul to ABC and that Colton "dated" Tia, who is friends with Becca and also dated Arie.

BUT, GUESS WHAT? COLTON ALSO DATED ALY RAISMAN. And also, he said he spent a weekend with Tia. Is that dating? ALY RAISMAN IS A GOLD MEDALIST. You cannot compete with that. If I went on a date with a man who dated an Olympic curler I'd be done.

As for me and my house, we will always defer to Olympians.


After all that weird shit, it's time for the COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca just threw that one guy's photo into the pool, but again-- not important. MALE MODEL JORDAN is ready to rock that bod even though, he wants her to "fall for my personality." Jordan is now walking around the house in his underwear while holding his shirt over his shoulder.

Jordan rolled up on Becca in just his undies and it was weird. I mean, Time's Up, bro. This is harassment. Then, Jordan gave a weird speech about having fun, being wild, speeding and well-kept hair.

Jordan also wants a son named Jordan Jr. and a G-Wagon. But, you will be allowed to eat ice cream in his G-Wagon.

Chicken Man is upset that Jordan is walking around in briefs. He says it is disrespectful. Agreed. If Jordan walked into the bank in just his underwear they would call the cops.

Becca is talking with Colton about Tia again and like, who gives a shit? He seems like a sweet guy, but not only did he date Aly Raisman, he asked her out on Twitter. So, like-- maybe he really likes attention or needs attention because he's not playing football anymore? IDK, just saying.


In the end, Male Model and Tia's ex got a rose. Becca also told all the guys they are "amazing." FAKE NEWS.

Alex, a man with a terrible pocket square and a flag pin just broke down on national TV after not receiving a rose. I'm going to need 30 minutes on that guy ASAP.

Here's to next week. Or Jesus coming back.

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