Wednesday, August 3, 2016

bach in paradise: epi 1.

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again. Time for the masses to get as close as possible to shit in its truest of forms-- mating season. Not just mating season, but tropical mating season!

Everyone knows shit grows fastest when paired with 101 percent humidity and liquor.

It's time for Bachelor in Paradise.


The opening credits are top notch and I'm truly thankful Jorge got his proper props. I would like to know if he's getting paid or if ABC tricked him into this.

One of those twinZ just told me her butt was different than that other twin's butt.

Nick isn't as terrible after he reminds you that he somehow got second place twice on 'Ette. I've seen a sad Wikipedia page before, but that one has to take the toppest of top prizes.

I only watched two or three epis of JoJo and her bros, but out of those 19 hours, I obviously remember Chad.

He is a very troubling figure in our nation's history.

Lace says she's aware of her issues but is she aware that she paid someone to do a pretty shitty job on those extensions? That's the real issue she needs to deal with.


After a period of time that was 19 minutes according to my DVR, but more like 8 days of waterboarding in my heart, we have finally made it to the beach.

"If I start feelings those feelings, I'll have a lot of nerves about my own emotions." -- Nick
I have feelings, nerves, and emotions and I could never form that sentence.

I would really like to learn the names of these people hoping to find love during this shit festival, but-- no promises.

Sweet, sweet Carly. She really grew on me after that awful ginger basically drowned her in a hotel pool last season. Couldn't he at least try to take her on one date back in his hometown of couldn't find it on a map if I tried?

Daniel literally just said "oof" when describing the looks of the ladies at the beach.
Has he seen the meat on other reality TV shows? I accidentally just watched "Coupled" for 3 minutes prior to this and I can see with a lot of certainty-- these people are much better looking than what the people at Fox dropped on a beach.

Even after the commercial break this guy with the terrible Minnesota accent is harping on and on about how the women aren't fruity enough for him? Or something?

Daniel swooped in to take that one Twin to dip her toes in the ocean and when he gave her a high-five, the other twin exclaimed, "Oh, no! She hates high-fives!"

Can you imagine making a list of things you're looking for in a significant other and literally saying to yourself or even a friend, "any man (or woman) who high-fives me or anyone else isn't worth my time."

When can we talk about Daniel's shorts? I know bros are super into showing their thighs off these days and I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with how low on his hips they are sitting. Like, they keep blurring out the ladies' bottoms, but this guy literally needs one of those black bars across him.

Jubilee has decided that that guy who manages an Applebee's in one of those states that may or may not actually exist is the one for her. Is it Delaware? Rhode Island? Has anyone ever been to those places? Are they just folk lore?

"Have you ever heard of 'Moby Dick'?" -- Evan
I think in most cases that question is rude because of course, we've heard of it. 
In this case-- totally fair. 


I guess most of the world is watching this just to see what this scar on our nation's body of work will actually do and say.

I've never truly studied radical terror groups but I can only assume they show videos of guys like Chad or maybe just Chad's Instagram account to terrorists in training and say, "this is what all Americans are like."

So, someone compared him to Hitler and Mussolini, but he's not that offended because "at least those people were rich?" I guess his other response could be, "at least those guys were white." That would've been worse.

After 2 or 3 hours of Chad and Daniel canoodling on the beach, ChrissyPoo Harrison finally came to explain the rules to everyone.


Y'all. There are no rules in the game of love.
Let your hearts guide you.

Some are actually "looking" for love. Like, physically.

"If love is here, I'm going to find it!" -- Carly
And then, I'm gonna stalk it on Facebook, like all its photos on the Gram and just let it happen!


Somehow, Jubilee got one of those date cards. She asked the guy from Applebee's out and then offered to dry him off. There's coming on strong and then there's being impractical.

This Grant guy just said he likes "a complicated woman" in regards to Lace. I don't think he should go on TV and say something that idiotic. What he means is, he wants a woman with daddy issues. I'm fairly complicated, but emotionally reasonable and stable enough to pass the TSA pre-check requirements.


The next 58 minutes of DVR time is all Chad and Lace.

ABC managed to get every other beach-goer to compare the two lovebirds to a hurricane.

One-by-one, each contestant goes to spy on the hot tub of horror.

"I've got money, I've got muscles, I've got money, I've got muscles!" -- Chad, to Lace

Chad is drunk.
Lace is drunk.

Chad is frustrated that Lace can "throw it back."

Chad and Lace finally exit the Herpes Hot Tub and realize everyone has been listening to them emulate Satan and his step-sister acting out scenes from "Cruel Intentions." They head to the beach where Chad puts on his protective eyewear.

At this point all of the lawyers for this show are watching with baited breath.
Will they drown? Will he hit her?


What is happening with all these pinatas? More than that, what the hell is Aragon? How does one move on from one thing to Aragaon? Are these hobbits?

I guess "Lord of the Rings" is a book?

Jared decided Jubilee has a lot of depth because of this book they are talking about. And then, this conversation happened.



This chick potentially has PTSD and you bring a clown out to scare her? Is there no level you won't lower yourselves to?


ABC has potential to air the first ever reality TV show murder during primetime and it's full steam ahead.

About the time Chad tells Lace he's going to throw her under a bus and make sure she smells like peppermint, she decides she's done.

"Stop being mean." -- Lace

Lace sobered up for about 30 seconds and realized she was fraternizing with a Crossfit experiment gone rogue.

Chad called her a bitch, but "not that kind, not that kind."
Then, he kept trying to touch her boob. Right? Isn't that what was happening?

Chad grabs a shot from SweetJorge and sits down with the crew. No one will talk to him. I think this is because no one is confident that he understands actual words.

"I'm disappointed. On a scale of 1 to 9, I'm a 9 disappointed." -- Lace
Nine being the worst. 

"I feel God mailed it in the day he made Chad." -- Nick
I have to say, I don't believe my Lord and Savior works like that, but Nick may be on to something.

Daniel tries to Chad that people are worried about him and Chad says, "I'll kill your children and murder your family."

I'm honestly worried Disney doesn't have enough money in the bank to cover Chad's liability insurance.

If he says that in front of a camera and then he murders someone, can't someone sue ABC?

Chad re-joins the group and Sarah has decided that if a woman can be president, she shouldn't have to come on a reality TV show and deal with this shit.

Of course, Chad reacted by calling her a "one-armed bitch."

In all honesty, it's the worst thing I've ever seen on TV in my entire life.
And I've seen almost all of the TV.

I've also seen that man wearing capri pants.

Man with the Goatee tries to talk to Chad, but Chad walks off and talks to Daniel.

Chad tells Daniel he will murder him.

I'm 100 percent I said "un-murdery" years ago before going on a blind date. I was talking about conducting myself in a way that wouldn't make a man from the Internet want to murder me.

This guy means his bro is acting like he doesn't want to join him in a murder spree.

Unable to find someone to murder, Chad passes out on the beach and then shits his pants.


ChrissyPoo Harrison shows back up and gathers the group for a recap of the previous night's activities.

Chad, of course, is offended that everyone is offended.

Chad says everyone just needs to talk to him one-on-one and they'll understand.

Finally, ChrissyPoo steps back in and tells Chad what's up.

Chrissy ain't havin' it.

"You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck a d---." -- ChrissyPoo
From this point on we're living in a world where Chris Harrison said "suck a D" on national TV.

Finally, Chrissy reveals that ABC's lawyers don't have hurricane insurance and Chad has to GTFO.

Chad asks, "are you serious?" about 17 times.

Mostly, Chad has to be upset that he has to go back to Tulsa. (Zing!)

In a fit of rage, Chad kicks off his flip-flops.

He tells the producers that he won't be made to look like this "again."



"You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. You don't even watch the show... F you, dude! Go drink your mimosas! This is my life and you're going to sit here and make me look like a bitch! F you, Chris Harrison! Come at me." -- Chad
I cannot believe it took 16 years and 348 seasons of this show for someone to yell at Chris on camera.

What a time to be alive.

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