the bachelor :: ben : finale.

Finally. Our long national boring nightmare is over.

Ben has told both women he loves them. Because that's normal and cool and fair and right.

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I honestly do not understand who Lauren is as a person. She seems sweet and kind and whatever, but those shorts. Those damn shorts. She can't even walk in them.

"Him and I are in this together." -- JoJo
: (

ABC, what is this voiceover? Why is Ben yelling at me?

"I TOLD TWO WOMEN I LOVE THEM AND I KNOW THAT I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID IT BOTH TIMES. I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND PROPOSE TO A WOMAN WHEN I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE?" -- BEN

First, calm the AF down. Second, why the F do you have to propose? Clearly, you can't be trusted with feelings, you need to take a gUrl to the lake and not propose.

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Ben tells his parents that he's 100 percent in love with two women.

"To know that Ben could possibly be in love with two women is, first all of, really disturbing." -- Ben's Mom
BEN'S MOM IS ON POINT. 

Lauren comes in to meet the parents and Ben tells some dumbass story about something super dumb Lauren said about meeting her parents. Ben is the worst storyteller in the world.

Ben's Papa Bear tells Lauren he sees a twinkle in Ben's eye.
Lauren doesn't disagree.

Lauren sits down with Badass Amy, Ben's Mom. She decides to tell BAM (Badass Mom) that she loves Ben and he loves her.

Amy brings up that bullshit about Ben being "unlovable."
BAM rolls her eyes.

Ben and Lauren sit down for a chit-chat.

"I'm in love with you, but like, getting married for me is like, a big commitment." -- Lauren
Oh, yeah. When you say it like that it does sound like a big deal. 

Lauren drives away and Ben looks like a ghost threw up on him.

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It's JoJo's turn to meet Ben's parents and Ben, the idiot, opens up with another story, but this one involves JoJo being a good kisser. I would've set his face on fire. What an ass.

JoJo sits down with Ben's dad and he asks, "What is it about Ben?" JoJo answers, "it's a lot."

Then, JoJo says Ben is her best friend and well, shit. Lauren didn't say that.
JoJo starts crying.
JoJo is even more nervous to talk to Ben's mom.

JoJo says her intentions are "so pure."
Nothing says "pure" like "fantasy suite."

Ben's mom is like, Ben is stupid and he doesn't know how to find love, but everyone is so #blessed.

Ben still doesn't have clarity. Even after his parents uttered the phrased, "blessed."

Ben has just realized he cannot propose to two women.

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It's time for the final one-on-one with Lauren.

"I know I'm in love with both JoJo and Lauren.... it felt right." -- Ben
No. 

Lauren feels so full of happiness and joy and gratitude.

THOSE SHORTS ARE LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF "PAINTED ON."

Ben tells Lauren he is stressed and that he hasn't slept.
Bored.

They get off the boat and Lauren feels defeated and confused, so she puts some makeup on.
She's nervous, but knows tonight is "so important."

Lauren tells Ben she's really emotional and scared.
Ben just says, "so much" has happened.
"So much."

If I was dating a man who was "in love" with me and "in love" with another woman and his only words were, "so much has happened," I would be like, DO YOU KNOW ANY WORDS?

Lauren is truly ready and "sure."

"Lauren, no matter what happens, you've made me better. And this was all worth it." -- Ben
Dumb.

Of course, this makes Lauren cry. Lauren has finally realized that Ben is ALSO IN LOVE WITH JOJO.

Lauren cries.

"At this point, I can't. I can't." -- Lauren
Millenial. 

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It's JoJo's turn for her final date and I'm thankful that she brought more than one pair of shorts on this beach vacation.

JoJo thinks this week has been really special and she's confident.

Uh-oh. JoJo has now called Ben her BFF.

"I never expected to be totally committed to wanting to expect a proposal." -- JoJo
Totally committed to what?

JoJo wants Ben to know that she has "so much faith" in Ben and making it work.

"So, you feel good?" -- JoJo
"That's a loaded question." -- Ben

Ben says, "it's exactly what you think."

"I want to hear you say it." -- JoJo

JoJo legit just said, "like, why are you so confused?"
LOLz.

They get out of the jungle and back to that mini couch in the hotel.
JoJo feels bad for making Ben uncomfortable.

Ben can't use his words and JoJo is wearing the sexiest outfit the hotel gift shop had for sale.
If he's going to say goodbye, he's going to regret it!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate JoJo's commitment to that wine and these questions.


via GIPHY

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Ben says he doesn't have any concerns about JoJo. (HE ALSO HAS NO CONCERNS ABOUT LAUREN.)

Ben keeps talking about these gUrls supporting him like it's not a competition for an engagement ring.

"Somehow, you've become my best friend." -- Ben
Could be that plunging neckline. 

JoJo wants a sign. So, she takes him to the bathroom.

Ben is all, "LOOK AT ME ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR."
And JoJo is finally like, "YOU LOVE HER, TOO?"
AND HE IS LIKE, "YES."

Ben leaves and says, "I love you."

Hey, Ben, just stop.

JoJo is now crying alone in her hotel room.

"I'm a lost man right now." -- Ben
APB for BEN, the lost man!

Ben says, "I'm lost" about 27 times.
He really wants everyone to know he's in love with two women.

You know, technically, you could be in love with two women and still have handled this a little better, buddy.

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Neil Lane was able to make the trip to the beach.
PTL. One of these days his calendar is going to be full. And then what?

"I've never broken up with someone I love." -- Ben
But, you've broken up with someone you don't love, probably, right?

Lauren is all, "every bone in my body is sure of this."

JoJo has been dreaming about getting dumped on national TV since she was a little gUrl.

"There's not an ounce in my being that isn't sure that's what I want." -- JoJo
So, what? You have no doubts? 

JoJo is letting fear take over, instead of faith!
When fear comes knocking, answer with faith, JoJo!

Ben is ready to break a heart.

JoJo said "him and I" again.

JoJo is the first one up, so FIRST PLACE IS THE ACTUAL FIRST LOSER TODAY.
SEE YA, JO.

JoJo says Ben has "always promised" not to blindside her and she truly hopes today is not the day for the blindside.

What day would it be on then, JoJo?

JoJo gives a speech.
She's realized this was worth it. She's been scared, but she remembers what Ben said.
Ben said, "love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it."

I think Paul said that in 1 Corinthians.

"Love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it." 1 Corinthians 92:24

It's actually the Bible verse Ben has tattooed on his rib cage.

"I didn't know if I could find love, I found it with you, BUT I FOUND IT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE MORE." --Ben
Not a real sentence. 

"I don't want to say goodbye. JoJo, I still don't question that I do love you." -- Ben
WHAT THE ACTUAL HOLY SHIT. 
That's present tense, Ben. 
You're breaking up with her. 
YOU NEED SAY, "LOVED."
LOVE-D. 
LIKE, YOU USED TO LOVE HER. 

As Ben walks her out, he's still preaching his feelings and how much his feelings haven't changed.
For obvious reasons, she is not happy about this.

"Where did it go wrong?" -- JoJo
"It never did." -- Ben


Oy. This guy.

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Before Lauren appears, Ben gets on the phone to ask Lauren's dad permission to propose.
He did not mention that he just told another gUrl he couldn't give her an answer on what wrong and that his feelings for her were real.

IN PRESENT TENSE.

Lauren appears and acts super mature.

"You're my person." -- Lauren

Ben talks about journeys and goodbyes.

"I want to kiss you on the face every morning." -- Ben
What a weird thing to say. 

Ben proposes. Lauren says yes.

Ben, then grabs Lauren's face and says, "Lauren, you're my person."

NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN LESS READY TO GET MARRIED THAN THESE TWO.
Mainly because they probably think one of the things they have in common that makes this right is that they have the same favorite color and both "really love John Mayer."


God Bless America and everyone in it.

the bachelor :: ben : epi 9.

Ben terrified because he doesn't know what he is going to do. Does he get the Accord with leather seats or the hybrid Camry?

"The water is blue." -- Ben

Pretty sure he just ranked his ladies.

Lauren!
JoJo.
Caila?

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First up is Caila. So far, with just one paddle down the river-- BORED. So awkward. She literally was telling him about the hotel's amenities. And Ben was so bored, he was listening!

"She's melancholy." -- Ben
That's a big word, Benny. 

Ben is looking for a gUrl who is more comfortable with him than this, so he's going to make her eat some chicken cooked on a grill on the side of a random river in Jamaica. I guess he also wants to see what a gUrl is like when they are throwing up from eating chicken cooked on a grill on the side of a random river in Jamaica.

Caila is the Marco Rubio of the bachelorettes.

Caila just wants to feel comfortable enough with Ben to tell him she loves him. Ben wants to know if they can talk about how "weird" she was during the date.

I can only pay attention so much. Only part of Caila has wanted to tell Ben something for a long time. So, part of Caila is in love?

"I can feel in his breath that he feels the same." -- Caila
Uh...

CAILA IS BACK!

"Oh, you sly fox." -- Caila
So, she's the only gUrl in the world that thinks an older gentlemen randomly leaving them a key to a hotel suite is sly. 

So many fireworks. Other guests at this hotel probably think they are under attack.

Caila wakes up in that hotel room and just tells Ben she loves him about 27 times.

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Why is Lauren walking like that?

Lauren just needs to get these feelings off her chest. She also needs longer shorts.

Real question: does Ben plan these dates or does he say he planned the date because she has no idea what is planned?

"There's something about the water." -- Lauren
These people and their words.

Ben takes Lauren to hang out with a guy named Mel. Mel wants Ben and Lauren to help release a mess of baby sea turtles.

"We are helping turtles survive and that's an important thing." -- Ben
So important. 

Ben says something about cuteness and like, no.

I think Ben prayed over the bucket of baby sea turtles before releasing them into the ocean.
I wish he would pray about his decisions to kiss all these ladies and the spend the night with them, too.

Unpopular opinion alert: those baby sea turtles are grossing me out.

Ben decided to tell Lauren about how he started crying in front of her sister.

Now, these two idiots are in an argument over who is too good for who. Listen, you're both just good enough for each other. No one is better than the other. You both deserve love and no one is unlovable.

All these gUrls get in the confessional and act like they have the nuclear codes, "I know I have to tell Ben...that I love him."

Now, Lauren is saying this "SECRET" is causing anxiety.  Do y'all know what a real secret is?

Like, if you haven't told this man you used to be a man and you aren't registered to vote in any state-- that's a secret.


Lauren is scared. It's scary.
But, what's scary?
The other relationships!

Ben doesn't want Lauren to hold in any questions, concerns, feelings or great 3-ingredient recipes she might have. He wants it all!

Lauren is freaking out and doesn't know if she can tell Ben she loves him.

Ben, the sly fox, slips Lauren the fantasy date card. I feel like you could almost see Ben mouthing the words as she read the card. LOLz.

Before Ben can even ask Lauren how she feels about the overnight date, she's all-- HELL YEAH, FANTASY SUITES ARE SWEET.

"I need time... to just... do us." --Lauren
Oh, baby gUrl is ready for a serious relationship. 
She wants a man to just do us. 


Lauren launches into a speech about "needing to tell Ben something" like-- a secret. Like, she was a Playboy model or has a boyfriend at home. NOPE. She's in love.

BEN RETURNED THE FEELINGS. BEN SAID HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER, TOO.
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO, BEN!!!!!!!!!!!


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Lauren didn't think guys like Ben existed.

Places to find guys like Ben: a rec league basketball team, any business school in America, a sales conference in Chicago or Birmingham, middle school, a Republican rally, a college football game, Target, any Apple store

Lauren feels like waking up next to Ben is an actual dream.

Ben's sentence structure is almost grotesque.

Ben says  "I love you" again before she can and this is bullshit.

"Ben is my person. He's my person." -- Lauren
Christina and Meredith would not agree. 

After exclaiming she's never been happier, Lauren remembers-- THERE ARE TWO OTHER WOMEN.

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"I need to explore where my heart is with JoJo." -- Ben
Ben, your heart lies between your right and left lungs, in the middle of your chest and slightly towards the left of your breastbone.

JoJo feels SO lucky. 
She feels safe. 
JoJo trusts him. 

Listen, I don't want to say this, but I have to-- JoJo should burn that bathing suit. Immediately. 

Yep, that's a tattoo with lady font on Ben's side. It's Proverbs 16:3. Not a lot of wisdom in the actual design he chose for the verse, but the verse is solid. 
When JoJo thinks about the future, there's not a doubt in her mind that she wants to spend the future with Ben, BUT SHE IS SO SCARED.

JoJo doesn't want to think about what it would be like to lose Ben, so... HE SAYS HE LOVES HER, TOO.


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Today is the best day of JoJo's life.
Ben is officially the biggest assmonkey of all-time. Ever.

Ben, you F-wad, this is where you decide to NOT tell either gUrl you love them. DUH. Do you know anything about anything at all?! Like. What in the literal hell is wrong with you?

Ben is in a state of shock after telling two women he loves them. The producers are in a state of shock as well. Because, holy shit, bagass! You don't do that!

JoJo is calling this the best day of her life.

"It doesn't scare me to tell you that." -- Ben
But, is there a contractual agreement?
TV contracts are real. 

Now, JoJo wants to know "what happened" with her brothers. Why did her voice get so nasal-y?

Ben doesn't know JoJo's brothers ANY better and they don't know him ANY better.
: (

Ben is not scared.

"It feels so nice to hear you talk." -- JoJo
What?

JoJo is excited to talk freely.

Sexy-time in the hot tub! Uh-oh!

Ben has made out on the bed with every single gUrl while wearing bathing suits. That's like, serious.

That bed looks a little rougher than the other two beds did. : /


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Ben said that was one of the best nights of his life.
He loves JoJo, he does.

"It's really weird to think I am in love with two women." -- Ben
No, no. No. 
That is not how it works. 

Ben just can't "get there" with Caila.

Caila just really needs to see Ben, so she's in that Caddy and she's going to get her man!

Ben's just lounging around, staring at shit and here comes Caila!
In all honesty, I would not be shocked if Caila has restraining orders out against her.

When Ben sees her, he says, "What the heck?!" He wanted to say "hell" as bad as we wanted him to say it.

Those ABC Producers are like, really doin' it this season.

Ben has to be honest. He has to confident. He has to say goodbye.

Ben says it "means a lot" that Caila came over there. He means "scary" and "inappropriate."

Ben decided to drop the bomb on Caila. He tells her that he is in love with two women. She is LITERALLY, his perfect wife. But, C YA, BG.

"I'm really going to miss you." -- Ben

Caila is holding together. Kind of. She said Ben could walk her out, but she really wants him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Before getting in the Caddy she said, "I really did love you." She gets in and THEN...she gets out.

Baby gUrl got out of the car!!!!!!!!!!!!
She wants to know when he knew.

Caila is finally going to leave and then they just talk about how much they will miss each other.
Then, longest hug ever. Like, she was gonna get that hug in.

Safety first!
Baby gUrl put that seatbelt on!

Caila was ready. She was ready. She was ready. She was ready.

Ben hopes he didn't make a mistake, so he sits on the stairs with his head in his hands to think it all over. Caila is doing the same thing in the car.

"I was ready." -- Caila, every 8 seconds. 


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IS THIS THE LONGEST EPISODE OF THIS SHOW EVER OR WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS FOR MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE.

"Right now, I have two true loves." -- Ben
I think that's the point of "true love," Ben. There can't be multiple. 

JoJo has zero doubts. ZERO DOUBTS.
Are all of these people on a loop?

"I can't imagine him feeling the same way about someone else." -- JoJo
Well, shit. 

Chris said he was surprised that Ben said "I love you" back to Lauren.

"Are you the most anxious or the same?" -- JoJo

"Where's Caila?" --JoJo

About the time the gUrls realize Caila ain't coming, Ben walks in. He seems very underdressed. Where do these wardrobe people find this much linen?

Ben couldn't feel luckier. Honestly, the situation he's gotten himself in has very little to do with luck. I don't think very many people would waste a wish from a genie on this one, Benny.

This guy.