Tuesday, January 26, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 4.

In 2005 I thought watching this show every Monday night was something fun to do with my friends. I regret that now.


Chris Harrison rolls in and tells the ladies they are headed to Las Vegas and I swear they must have heard, "Princess Kate is throwing you a brunch" by the way they reacted. I mean, sure, a free trip is a free trip, but we're talking about Nevada here. I would expect this reaction if Chris had said, "you're all going on a Disney cruise!"


Why is Ben driving that old Mustang around? If you are trying to tell me that Ben drives anything but a white Honda Accord, YOU ARE INSANE. Like, clinical.

A helicopter comes and picks up Ben and JoJo, while Olivia is having a psychotic break back in the hotel room. One moment she is the chillest and the next, she is crying and looks like she may have slept in a ditch the night before.


JoJo knows herself and knows she has a hard time opening up. Ben, on the other hand, is wearing a splatter paint blazer.

JoJo just got out of a relationship. Ben is sorry and he doesn't want her to hold back.

Ben's haircut is the saddest.

JoJo gets the rose, BUT THERE IS MORE.

"I've had the best time." -- Ben
This guy knows all the words and shit. 

Ben takes JoJo out on the balcony to watch some fireworks. They make out and Olivia is upset that her "husband" is out there kissing another woman. She is very "upset."



What's up with those twins?

Ben takes the ladies to a ventriloquist show and considering Brooks & Dunn, Britney Spears and Celine were all doing shows in Vegas when this was shot-- : (

The gUrls have to have a competition. The twins feel like they are ahead of the game.

"I don't think many people have talents." --gUrl

Everyone thinks Olivia has a secret hidden talent. Arson isn't a talent, gUrl. Neither is stalking.

The gUrls have to perform their "talents" on stage in front of a bunch of drunk people who couldn't get tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

Each G gets to perform for approximately 35 seconds.

Olivia pops out of a cake wearing nothing but sequins and a cape. Her dancing wasn't even as good as a middle school teacher at a middle school dance.

That one chick wore her normal clothes and hit a tennis ball through a hula hoop. SKILLZ. You can't learn that shit in school.

Olivia is now in a bathroom crying. We've all been there, gurl. But, most of us don't put on a sequined thong and bounce on stage like we're the closing act a VBS show with some nervous, sugar-high children.


AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caila wants to stand out in front of the other gUrls. She's used to being spoiled and getting attention. NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU, G. NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU.

"She's like a sex panther." -- Ben
What the F is a sex panther?
The guy who probably couldn't accurately describe an Old Navy fleece is now calling a gUrl a "sex panther."

Ben took that puppet and then that gUrl with the accent kissed it and it was very odd. I felt very weird.

Olivia pulls Ben aside and it was dumb. She said she was trying to be sexy, but still wanted to be awkward. Then, she stuck her fingers in her mouth for 12 seconds or so.

Blonde hair gUrl says she's in love, BUT, she's never been this scared to be in love.

Olivia is back.

Let's talk about Ben's leather jacket. Can't you just see Badass Ben toolin' around in a Hyundai Sonata with that jacket on? Why does he have on a jacket and those gUrls are sitting there looking very chilly.

Somebody got a rose. I don't know her name.


It's time for the one-on-one date and Becca got a big ass package in the mail. It's a wedding dress.


Becca is really excited, because of "who Ben is as a person."

Becca goes to meet Ben at a wedding chapel and he gets down on a one knee like a total assboat and pretended to propose.

Ben is going to legally marry couples today. HE CAN'T EVEN TUCK HIS DAMN SHIRT IN.

Travis looks like a cell phone salesman. Leah looks like someone who knits a lot.


"I want to know if she can love, if she can feel." -- Ben

Why is Ben so concerned about IF she can feel? Not, if she has feelings for him, but IF she can feel.

Now, we have to have this whole Becca is a virgin conversation. She's drinking whiskey, he's drinking red wine. RED FLAG.


That whole twin thing. IDK. If Ben was the one who actually recognized that he needed to put a stop to this horse shit-- GOOD FOR HIM. I imagine it was some production assistant who disagreed with having twins on in the first place and made the producers promise that this wouldn't go past four episodes or something.

What's next? A mother-daughter duo?



Olivia pulls Ben aside for the 293rd time. Ben is drinking a cocktail with an entire lemon in his glass. Like, what is he drinking and how can he even get to it with ONE FULL LEMON in that glass?

Olivia keeps apologizing.
She also said she is not insecure.
Listen, I don't know much about much (minus presidents and country music), but I know what an insecure human looks like and sounds like. AND WE ARE LOOKING AT ONE.

"I don't need you to apologize to me for jumping out of a cake." -- Ben
BULLSHIT, Benny. She needs to apologize for watching you sleep at night, too. 

Olivia then tells Ben she is FALLING FOR HIM and it's the coolest feeling in the world.

"I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere." -- Olivia

As soon as she said that you could tell that she realized-- I could be going somewhere if you make me leave, but she stuck to her guns. And she probably, actually has a gun on her.

JoJo told Olivia that she is asinine. Olivia handled it very gracefully.
Gracefully = she truly believes Ben is communicating with her telepathically.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"All eyes are on me." -- Olivia


This woman isn't okay. Also, shame on the producers for just letting her sit there and babble and then dubbing it over the ENTIRE rose ceremony.

Who is Leah?

Olivia thinks she gets the final rose because she's the best. I think Ben is telling her to lock her shit up. She has NOT kept her game tight. At all.

Other chick that got cut thinks she got cut because she didn't kiss Ben.
I think she is totally right. : /

End scene.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 2.

The last 7 days have been spent hoping and praying the ABC Producers would try a little something different tonight, like an episode without the gUrls or Ben. Or both.

Nope. Not only are all the ladies here, but so is Ben and they are all going to high school.

ChrissyPoo Harrison meets up with all of beauty school dropouts and not one of these gUrls would be able to wear their shorts in an actual high school. Finger tip rule, chicas!

"Ben really loves apples." -- Chris

Then, Ben makes some sick joke about what would've happened if his teachers would've been this good looking in high school.

I've been on a lot of first dates-- Some really great first dates and some really terrible first dates.
What is even in the backpacks?

"Basketball really means a lot to me." -- Ben
America, this is your Bachelor. 

Holy shit. Ben is making these gUrls race for his heart.
One G is barefoot, the other is wearing pink shorts from Old Navy.
The barefoot gUrl won and now she's the most unlikely homecoming queen ever.

Do they still make lettermen's jackets?

Now, Ben is in an old Mustang just toolin' around the track with his queen. Literally, they took like, 9 laps.


AFTER DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca, who I guess is crazy because she is here, decided to be here BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE HERE. She takes her wine and her basketball to a private court to shoot a hoop or two with Benny. Yes, just one hoop. She shot it once and then told Ben he could take his shirt off, but he didn't.

"My wife could be in this group." -- Ben

Out of nowhere, Ben throws on a really ugly blazer and kisses someone named Jen. I can only assume she got the first kiss because their names rhyme.

I actually agree with this tactic.

Ol' gUrl Lace (OGL) is not feelin' it, but she is talking about herself in third person.

"Who's Lace? What's she about?" -- Lace

Lace starts off her conversation by apologizing. She thinks Ben is THANKFUL for her apology.
What an odd thing to think/feel.

OGL thinks Ben is making eye contact with her, but I feel more like she was casting some sort of spell on him.

Jubilee saves Ben before Lace can totally finish her spell. Ben thanks her for pouring her soul out. He then kisses her. The kiss seemed like a handshake more than a kiss. Conversation is over, we've gotta do something type of thing.

All of the ladies have been sitting around drinking and bitching. A terrible combination.


The ladies are frustrated because LACE HAS TALKED TO BEN TWICE NOW.

Can you believe that?

Ben decides to take some gUrl in a dress to the top of a building. Ben wanted to thank the gUrl in a blue dress for her great attitude. This feels like one of those Daddy-Daughter dates I see on Facebook all of the time. No man has ever taken me on a date and thanked me for my attitude (could be a me thing, though, IDK).

Ben can only give the rose to one person and he gives it to the gUrl in the blue dress.
I find out her name is JoJo, which is a real name, I guess?
He called her JoJo, so it could be on her birth certificate?


We head back to the house and learn that Ben has decided to continue this process. That's right, Ben still thinks this process could work.

ChrissyPoo was in charge of the one-on-one date today and he decided Ice Cube and Kevin Hart should go on the date with Ben and and that gUrl.

This is odd because Ice Cube nor Kevin Hart need to be on this show to help their careers.

Kevin wants to go on the date, Ice Cube does not.

gUrls are screaming.

Lace is mostly mad because Ben is driving?

The guys take Ben to a liquor store.

"What's your favorite color?" -- Ben
This is your Bachelor, America. 

This chick is easy to please because she called riding in a car "out of the box."

Now, they are at a hot tub store and they are actually in a hot tub. Kevin Hart is also in the hot tub.




Ben and super boring chick who really likes riding in cars with boys (come on, nailed it) are now at dinner.

Ben wants to know, straight up, what kind of qualities gUrl who has a name, but I don't know it, is looking for in a man.

She says she wants a dreamer or something?


"What if everyone walks away?" -- Ben
Holy shit, Ben. 
Who is the gUrl who tried to feed you to wolves?

gUrl met a guy on a plane, but she was more obsessed with being featured in the Southwest magazine than actually marrying the dude, so it didn't work out.

Oh, her name is CAILA?
It was on a sign, but was there a typo?
That's not how you spell KAYLA.

Of course, one of Ben's favorite singers is Amos Lee.
I just learned everything I need to know about Ben.

"This is my favorite song. Like, of all-time." -- Ben
To clarify, he's saying this about an Amos Lee song, not a song off of Jay-Z's Black album or a deep cut from Billy Joel. 

There is kissing.



The gUrls get off of an elevator and an iPad invites the ladies to enter the LOVE LAB.

Ben wants to know if science can help him find love.
But, science calls for everyone to wear very smile white outfits.
Ben gets to be fully clothed.

Okay, this is gross.
An odor test.

I definitely quit paying attention for a while.

One gUrl did say, "I think this is really valuable."
She probably reads horoscopes.
Oh, she also tried to kiss him while everyone was watching.

One gUrl got a really low score.

"You're trying to marry a guy and a doctor says, 'hey P.S. you're not compatible.' THAT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING." -- gUrl
There is actually some truth in that statement. 



Ben really believes that those tests meant something.

"So, this is my bachelor pad." -- Ben
America, this is your most eligible. 

Ben is wearing a hoodie and a blazer. Somehow, he still got this chick to kiss him.

Let me set it up for you-- his line is, "this is my bachelor pad," he's wearing a hoodie with a blazer and she still kissed him.

Ben gave his jacket to every gUrl he talked to.
Oh, sorry. That gUrl has a blanket. It really looked like something Ben would wear though.

Pick her, Ben!
Pick her.

Screw science! That gUrl is the real deal.

The gUrl with the kids tells Ben that she has two "kiddos running around."
She actually just said she had two daughters.

Ben isn't scared of kids, so he kisses The Mom.

Olivia and science get the rose.
She says the show is over now.

The mom is crying.



Ben walks into the party and literally, four or five gUrls scream.

Oh, shit.

Ben just casually quoted John Mayer.
This guy.
He probably writes Dave Matthews lyrics in greeting cards.

Ben's smoothest move is offering his jacket to gUrls.

Science gUrl steals Ben because she wants to take him "to a secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off."

One of the gUrls calls Science gUrl a "selfish bitch."
Those are like, real fightin' words.

Lace decides to pull Science gUrl aside.

Turns out, Science gUrl is a master manipulator. She convinces Lace that she just needs to go for it and give it her all.

Lace gets some time with Ben.
I think Ben is drinking straight vodka.
Hopefully, he got it from that one chick.

Lace tells Ben she was really dorky looking when she was a kid. She has no photos with her, so she describes the photos to Ben. Can you imagine anything worse than looking at someone's childhood photos? Oh, I can! Listening to someone describe their childhood photos!

She is still talking about herself in third person, but now she's crying, too.

gUrl with blonde hair gets some time with Ben and he pulls out a photo for her.  A PHOTO OF THE TWO OF THEM.

"I had this made." -- Ben
He's acting like he commissioned a portrait. 
He had Walgreens print off one 4x6. 
One 4x6. 

"I don't know how to make you feel really special." -- Ben

This guy.


Ben finds The Mom and asks to open an Etsy shop with her.

Ben 'N' Mom's Thangs and Things.etsy.com



I wish he would've done that when they approached him about being on this show.

The quiet gUrl from Oklahoma is FAH-REAKIN' out, Ben calls her name and now she pulls him aside.

She decides to leave.
Good for her.

Ben is okay with this because he wants the ladies to be "empowered."

"Ben doesn't even know who I am." -- gUrl
I feel bad because I don't know her name either. 

Of course, that gUrl got the rose and her name was Amber.

The homecoming queen didn't get a rose.

"They came here to meet me and now I have to ask them to leave? It doesn't make sense." -- Ben
But, that is the ACTUAL premise of the show. 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 1.

Holy hell.

I prayed and prayed that no doors would be opened for me to view this show. I also prayed I would figure out how to forget my password for this site before January 4, 2016. Doors were opened and my password was saved. Here we are again-- the Recap of Shit.

Season 212, episode 1, ABC's "The Bachelor."

I am a smart gUrl, but I am dumbfounded by this guy. Ben Higgins is 26 years old, very decent looking, with a bad haircut, and a college degree. He is also sad, believes he can't be loved and is on a TV show attempting to find a wife. Put away the red flags-- there are none! HE. IS. PERFECT.

How many times has he stated that some G told him he was somethingsomethingIDK, broke up with him and now he's all, "WHAT IF I AM UNLOVABLE?"

I am a little insane. Maybe, asinine. I am smart, my parents are still married and I have season football tickets for the University of Arkansas Razorbacks. I AM LOVABLE. What the hell, Ben? WHO HURT YOU? This chick better be Taylor Swift or at least, Karlie Kloss, because you are more than normal and above average looking. Get your shit together and quit dickin' around. I do not feel sad for you in the regards that you were broken up with as a junior in college. I feel sad for you that you are 26 and think you should be sharing a Facebook profile with someone at this point in your life.



Do these Gs know this is a guy named BEN and not Prince William?
Like, if Willie Geist was on this show I could understand the excitement.


Normally, at this point in the show I'm going to make fun of the CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST.

Listen, Tyson Chicken is 7 miles up the road from me. I too am a chicken enthusiast. Get in line, grandma, every night is Sunday night dinner at my house.

WHAT IS HIS HAIRCUT, ABC? Not everyone needs a fade, okay?

Ole G comes up and says she is good at pick-up lines. Guess what? So are most people who approach men on street corners. ZING. Stop it. I know.

Everyone, step back for a second.
Ole Ben is 26.
Where were you at 26?

At 26, I was single, but super dating a dude and had already been in 4,5632 weddings. I had a job and a couple of nice things. I also had student loans and still called my dad to fill out my insurance forms every year.

I was NOT ready to go on TV to find a husband. I still am not ready to go on TV and find a husband.

I would be willing to find a husband on the internetsS. Get to work.


Okay, they paid these chicks to do this, right?

I mean. I always thought Becca was a normal human who had a moment of insanity when signing up for this show.

I'm not married. Barely been close once, but-- people don't honestly believe this is their last shot right? Their hail mary at 29? It's 99 and goal, so might as well hit up ABC?

Ben saw Becca and his face went from WORST TO FIRST in about zero seconds.


I skipped almost an entire hour because I was watching Taylor Swift videos on YouTube. Now, we're at the rose ceremony.

Have you seen the one where J. Lo comes out and sings "Jenny From the Block" with her? It is very interesting and always relevant.


I do have a real question-- why are these twins on here? Seems like a mostly bad idea. Is this a "Sister Wife" thing or just a thing? Do they know they are competing?


"Do I want a rose? Of course, I want a rose! That gUrl freakin' brought a rose in on her head!" -- gUrl, about another gUrl

Cut to the gUrl wearing the rose and then getting a rose.
How has this show never won an Emmy?

That G in the black was kind of being a diva all night, so no one is surprised that she got a rose and that one at that.

I always love the awkward march up to the Bach by the women who were not given a rose. I wish more gUrls really strutted their shit and made it a thang. Instead, they just kind of whisper (like there aren't microphones everywhere) and sputter off into the hills of Malibu.


Another honest question: have you ever cried after a first date?
No? Okay, me neither.

Have you ever cried after like, a big group dinner where you kind of crushed on a guy, but then you just drove home after the dinner?
Yeah, seems crazy, right?


That gUrl pulled Ben aside and is kind of mumbling and like, IDK.

"The issue is that I didn't make eye contact with you during the rose ceremony?" -- BachBen

We are going to be judged for this someday. When that highlight reel rolls after we enter the Pearly Gates we will have to account for our time. For every 2 hours of your life you spend watching The Bach, you should give 19 rides to the airport and work 6 hours in your church nursery. I think that evens things out and gets you some jewels in your crown.




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