on grief.

It’s been 3,650 days. And throughout each and every single one of those days, sometimes minute-by-minute, I’ve learned about grief.

Grief is one of those tricky things that time cannot heal. Scars, in reality, are a mark of failure to fully heal (noun; a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed).

Grief is like a scar on the heart. They can be covered, improved upon or serve as a simple afterthought-- until it’s not. After all, a scar is a reminder of something that has not completely healed.

All of the skincare in the world cannot take away a deep scar. For that, I am thankful. Over the last 10 years I’ve had many days where I’ve just wanted the grief to go away-- the reminders to fade. But, then, I look at a scar on my finger. It’s a reminder to slow down when chopping onions; to be less fervent in the kitchen. The scar serves as a lesson in patience. Just like the scar on my heart.

The grief and scar serve as a story and I get to choose how I tell that story-- do I wallow and mourn by myself in the dark? Or do I step into the light and move forward? When I crashed my bike in elementary school trying to be an Olympic mountain biker in my backyard I was left with a scar on my right leg. I could say the scar was from a horrific biking accident and I never touched my bike again out of fear. Or I could say I worked my way back to riding and not being scared.

The grief is a reminder to me that God is near and that is He is comfort. The grief is a reminder that time doesn’t heal, but time teaches. Time can change your perspective.

The scars on my heart will always be there and I’m thankful for the constant reminders that the Lord is faithful and people matter.

on the election.

When I was 17 years old I went to a rally for Al Gore in Little Rock. I wasn't old enough to vote for him, but there's still a Gore-Lieberman sign hanging up in the bedroom I occupied at my parent's house.

I remember driving home from that rally in amazement that so many people (probably only a few hundred) gathered together in one place to support something that was only an idea. No rockstars were present, no high school football teams were scoring touchdowns-- this was a gathering of people connected by a few small strings made up of something so much bigger than themselves.

To me, that's what America is-- an idea. A big, huge idea. America has always just been an idea, a fluid, in constant motion idea.

To watch the past 500-something days of this election unfold, I've clung tightly to the hope that America is bigger and greater than any candidate or political party. I've watched and waited and prayed that America would prevail on election night and in a way, it did. The political process worked. People voted, a guy won, the sun came up.

America works because the thing that has always brought us together is the thing that has been driving us apart for 240 years-- differing ideas and opinions.

America still works. Don't give up on it.

bach in paradise: epi 1.

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again. Time for the masses to get as close as possible to shit in its truest of forms-- mating season. Not just mating season, but tropical mating season!

Everyone knows shit grows fastest when paired with 101 percent humidity and liquor.

It's time for Bachelor in Paradise.

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The opening credits are top notch and I'm truly thankful Jorge got his proper props. I would like to know if he's getting paid or if ABC tricked him into this.

One of those twinZ just told me her butt was different than that other twin's butt.

Nick isn't as terrible after he reminds you that he somehow got second place twice on 'Ette. I've seen a sad Wikipedia page before, but that one has to take the toppest of top prizes.

I only watched two or three epis of JoJo and her bros, but out of those 19 hours, I obviously remember Chad.

He is a very troubling figure in our nation's history.

Lace says she's aware of her issues but is she aware that she paid someone to do a pretty shitty job on those extensions? That's the real issue she needs to deal with.

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After a period of time that was 19 minutes according to my DVR, but more like 8 days of waterboarding in my heart, we have finally made it to the beach.

"If I start feelings those feelings, I'll have a lot of nerves about my own emotions." -- Nick
I have feelings, nerves, and emotions and I could never form that sentence.

I would really like to learn the names of these people hoping to find love during this shit festival, but-- no promises.

Sweet, sweet Carly. She really grew on me after that awful ginger basically drowned her in a hotel pool last season. Couldn't he at least try to take her on one date back in his hometown of couldn't find it on a map if I tried?

Daniel literally just said "oof" when describing the looks of the ladies at the beach.
Has he seen the meat on other reality TV shows? I accidentally just watched "Coupled" for 3 minutes prior to this and I can see with a lot of certainty-- these people are much better looking than what the people at Fox dropped on a beach.

Even after the commercial break this guy with the terrible Minnesota accent is harping on and on about how the women aren't fruity enough for him? Or something?

Daniel swooped in to take that one Twin to dip her toes in the ocean and when he gave her a high-five, the other twin exclaimed, "Oh, no! She hates high-fives!"

Can you imagine making a list of things you're looking for in a significant other and literally saying to yourself or even a friend, "any man (or woman) who high-fives me or anyone else isn't worth my time."

When can we talk about Daniel's shorts? I know bros are super into showing their thighs off these days and I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with how low on his hips they are sitting. Like, they keep blurring out the ladies' bottoms, but this guy literally needs one of those black bars across him.

Jubilee has decided that that guy who manages an Applebee's in one of those states that may or may not actually exist is the one for her. Is it Delaware? Rhode Island? Has anyone ever been to those places? Are they just folk lore?

"Have you ever heard of 'Moby Dick'?" -- Evan
I think in most cases that question is rude because of course, we've heard of it. 
In this case-- totally fair. 

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I guess most of the world is watching this just to see what this scar on our nation's body of work will actually do and say.

I've never truly studied radical terror groups but I can only assume they show videos of guys like Chad or maybe just Chad's Instagram account to terrorists in training and say, "this is what all Americans are like."

So, someone compared him to Hitler and Mussolini, but he's not that offended because "at least those people were rich?" I guess his other response could be, "at least those guys were white." That would've been worse.

After 2 or 3 hours of Chad and Daniel canoodling on the beach, ChrissyPoo Harrison finally came to explain the rules to everyone.


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Y'all. There are no rules in the game of love.
Let your hearts guide you.

Some are actually "looking" for love. Like, physically.

"If love is here, I'm going to find it!" -- Carly
And then, I'm gonna stalk it on Facebook, like all its photos on the Gram and just let it happen!

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Somehow, Jubilee got one of those date cards. She asked the guy from Applebee's out and then offered to dry him off. There's coming on strong and then there's being impractical.

This Grant guy just said he likes "a complicated woman" in regards to Lace. I don't think he should go on TV and say something that idiotic. What he means is, he wants a woman with daddy issues. I'm fairly complicated, but emotionally reasonable and stable enough to pass the TSA pre-check requirements.

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The next 58 minutes of DVR time is all Chad and Lace.

ABC managed to get every other beach-goer to compare the two lovebirds to a hurricane.

One-by-one, each contestant goes to spy on the hot tub of horror.

"I've got money, I've got muscles, I've got money, I've got muscles!" -- Chad, to Lace

Chad is drunk.
Lace is drunk.

Chad is frustrated that Lace can "throw it back."

Chad and Lace finally exit the Herpes Hot Tub and realize everyone has been listening to them emulate Satan and his step-sister acting out scenes from "Cruel Intentions." They head to the beach where Chad puts on his protective eyewear.

At this point all of the lawyers for this show are watching with baited breath.
Will they drown? Will he hit her?

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What is happening with all these pinatas? More than that, what the hell is Aragon? How does one move on from one thing to Aragaon? Are these hobbits?

I guess "Lord of the Rings" is a book?

Jared decided Jubilee has a lot of depth because of this book they are talking about. And then, this conversation happened.


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WHAT THE HELL, ABC?
This chick potentially has PTSD and you bring a clown out to scare her? Is there no level you won't lower yourselves to?

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ABC has potential to air the first ever reality TV show murder during primetime and it's full steam ahead.

About the time Chad tells Lace he's going to throw her under a bus and make sure she smells like peppermint, she decides she's done.

"Stop being mean." -- Lace

Lace sobered up for about 30 seconds and realized she was fraternizing with a Crossfit experiment gone rogue.

Chad called her a bitch, but "not that kind, not that kind."
Then, he kept trying to touch her boob. Right? Isn't that what was happening?

Chad grabs a shot from SweetJorge and sits down with the crew. No one will talk to him. I think this is because no one is confident that he understands actual words.

"I'm disappointed. On a scale of 1 to 9, I'm a 9 disappointed." -- Lace
Nine being the worst. 

"I feel God mailed it in the day he made Chad." -- Nick
I have to say, I don't believe my Lord and Savior works like that, but Nick may be on to something.

Daniel tries to Chad that people are worried about him and Chad says, "I'll kill your children and murder your family."

I'm honestly worried Disney doesn't have enough money in the bank to cover Chad's liability insurance.

If he says that in front of a camera and then he murders someone, can't someone sue ABC?

Chad re-joins the group and Sarah has decided that if a woman can be president, she shouldn't have to come on a reality TV show and deal with this shit.

Of course, Chad reacted by calling her a "one-armed bitch."

In all honesty, it's the worst thing I've ever seen on TV in my entire life.
And I've seen almost all of the TV.

I've also seen that man wearing capri pants.

Man with the Goatee tries to talk to Chad, but Chad walks off and talks to Daniel.

Chad tells Daniel he will murder him.

I'm 100 percent I said "un-murdery" years ago before going on a blind date. I was talking about conducting myself in a way that wouldn't make a man from the Internet want to murder me.

This guy means his bro is acting like he doesn't want to join him in a murder spree.

Unable to find someone to murder, Chad passes out on the beach and then shits his pants.

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ChrissyPoo Harrison shows back up and gathers the group for a recap of the previous night's activities.

Chad, of course, is offended that everyone is offended.

Chad says everyone just needs to talk to him one-on-one and they'll understand.

Finally, ChrissyPoo steps back in and tells Chad what's up.

Chrissy ain't havin' it.

"You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck a d---." -- ChrissyPoo
From this point on we're living in a world where Chris Harrison said "suck a D" on national TV.

Finally, Chrissy reveals that ABC's lawyers don't have hurricane insurance and Chad has to GTFO.

Chad asks, "are you serious?" about 17 times.

Mostly, Chad has to be upset that he has to go back to Tulsa. (Zing!)

In a fit of rage, Chad kicks off his flip-flops.

He tells the producers that he won't be made to look like this "again."

THEN
THEN
THEN
THEN

CHAD YELLED AT CHRIS HARRISON.

"You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. You don't even watch the show... F you, dude! Go drink your mimosas! This is my life and you're going to sit here and make me look like a bitch! F you, Chris Harrison! Come at me." -- Chad
I cannot believe it took 16 years and 348 seasons of this show for someone to yell at Chris on camera.

What a time to be alive.

the bachelorette :: jojo : epi 1.

Listen up, this show is literally painful for me to watch. Coupled with the fact that my day job involves me bringing every ounce of creative energy I have to work every day-- I would rather drink half a bottle of Nyquil and shop for purses than watch this show.

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This G is so damn young. Why is it her turn to find love? Why does she think she is "so ready" for love?

gUrl, please. Every time I go on more than one date with a man I convince myself I'm ready for love, but then I remember that means not putting on my sweats every single evening at 5:08 p.m. and being cordial to humans after my normal bedtime of 8 p.m. all for a grilled chicken breast or two.

Dating is almost inhumane. Doing it on TV and declaring how much you want, deserve it and are ready for it? Torture.

Now I'm supposed to believe JoJo can actually drive that ol' Thunderbird? Those things don't have power steering.

Of course, JoJo has to meet with Ali, KittyKatCait and boring Desiree to make sure she is ready for this.

The advice these three veterans gave to her?

"If you're feeling it, feel it." -- All gUrls
Oh, okay.

Ali was on this show when JoJo was still taking swimming lessons, much less taking a dip in the dating pool.

I zoned out for a few because I just took a Sudafed.

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Now, we're meeting the boyZ.

This Fireman's shirt is the worst thing I've seen since almost anything. Ribbed t-shirt? Where do you buy those even?

Oh, Aaron Rodgers' little brother?
What a shit show.
If he was so good at football why is he hanging out in the rain at his old high school? That is the saddest damn thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

This twin just hangs out with his twin and imagines what it would be like if he wasn't a third wheel?

A preacher who now specializes in erectile dysfunction?
WHAT THE AF?

MOJO FOR JOJO?

I ACTUALLY WISH I DIDN'T HAVE A TV OR A COMPUTER.

If that guy's alarm goes off at 3:30, why does he not get to the gym until 4:30? Usually, my alarm goes off at 4:57 and I'm at the gym by 5:08.

Also, if that guy really sits around and eats super elaborate meals with his bros I'm okay with that. If they really drink water out of stemless wine glasses I'm not okay with that.

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Finally, it's time for JoJo to meet her 25 idiots.

I used to think Chris Harrison was an okay guy, but now I feel super sad for him. Doesn't he want to do something else with his life? Doesn't he feel weird knowing that someone took a water hose and sprayed down that driveway?

"You look so good, thanks for coming." -- JoJo
"You look nice. What's your name?" -- JoJo
"You look really nice." -- JoJo
"Hi, handsome." -- JoJo

A guy brought a bottle of wine.
She drank it.

"You look so great." -- JoJo
"You look very good." -- JoJo
"You look great." -- JoJo
"You look great." --JoJo

Hipster didn't watch last season at all. He knows nothing about JoJo.
So, he's an actor?

MAN CRUSH MONDAY?
HOLY SHIT.
THAT'S IT.

THAT WAS A PICKUP LINE.

Wait. This guy brought All-4-One?
Like, we do know they are like the shittiest version of Boyz II Men ever right? Minus O-Town.

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I QUIT WATCHING BECAUSE MY FRIEND HAD A BABY AND I WANTED TO GO MEET THE BABY INSTEAD OF WATCHING THIS.

the bachelor :: ben : finale.

Finally. Our long national boring nightmare is over.

Ben has told both women he loves them. Because that's normal and cool and fair and right.

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I honestly do not understand who Lauren is as a person. She seems sweet and kind and whatever, but those shorts. Those damn shorts. She can't even walk in them.

"Him and I are in this together." -- JoJo
: (

ABC, what is this voiceover? Why is Ben yelling at me?

"I TOLD TWO WOMEN I LOVE THEM AND I KNOW THAT I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID IT BOTH TIMES. I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND PROPOSE TO A WOMAN WHEN I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE?" -- BEN

First, calm the AF down. Second, why the F do you have to propose? Clearly, you can't be trusted with feelings, you need to take a gUrl to the lake and not propose.

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Ben tells his parents that he's 100 percent in love with two women.

"To know that Ben could possibly be in love with two women is, first all of, really disturbing." -- Ben's Mom
BEN'S MOM IS ON POINT. 

Lauren comes in to meet the parents and Ben tells some dumbass story about something super dumb Lauren said about meeting her parents. Ben is the worst storyteller in the world.

Ben's Papa Bear tells Lauren he sees a twinkle in Ben's eye.
Lauren doesn't disagree.

Lauren sits down with Badass Amy, Ben's Mom. She decides to tell BAM (Badass Mom) that she loves Ben and he loves her.

Amy brings up that bullshit about Ben being "unlovable."
BAM rolls her eyes.

Ben and Lauren sit down for a chit-chat.

"I'm in love with you, but like, getting married for me is like, a big commitment." -- Lauren
Oh, yeah. When you say it like that it does sound like a big deal. 

Lauren drives away and Ben looks like a ghost threw up on him.

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It's JoJo's turn to meet Ben's parents and Ben, the idiot, opens up with another story, but this one involves JoJo being a good kisser. I would've set his face on fire. What an ass.

JoJo sits down with Ben's dad and he asks, "What is it about Ben?" JoJo answers, "it's a lot."

Then, JoJo says Ben is her best friend and well, shit. Lauren didn't say that.
JoJo starts crying.
JoJo is even more nervous to talk to Ben's mom.

JoJo says her intentions are "so pure."
Nothing says "pure" like "fantasy suite."

Ben's mom is like, Ben is stupid and he doesn't know how to find love, but everyone is so #blessed.

Ben still doesn't have clarity. Even after his parents uttered the phrased, "blessed."

Ben has just realized he cannot propose to two women.

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It's time for the final one-on-one with Lauren.

"I know I'm in love with both JoJo and Lauren.... it felt right." -- Ben
No. 

Lauren feels so full of happiness and joy and gratitude.

THOSE SHORTS ARE LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF "PAINTED ON."

Ben tells Lauren he is stressed and that he hasn't slept.
Bored.

They get off the boat and Lauren feels defeated and confused, so she puts some makeup on.
She's nervous, but knows tonight is "so important."

Lauren tells Ben she's really emotional and scared.
Ben just says, "so much" has happened.
"So much."

If I was dating a man who was "in love" with me and "in love" with another woman and his only words were, "so much has happened," I would be like, DO YOU KNOW ANY WORDS?

Lauren is truly ready and "sure."

"Lauren, no matter what happens, you've made me better. And this was all worth it." -- Ben
Dumb.

Of course, this makes Lauren cry. Lauren has finally realized that Ben is ALSO IN LOVE WITH JOJO.

Lauren cries.

"At this point, I can't. I can't." -- Lauren
Millenial. 

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It's JoJo's turn for her final date and I'm thankful that she brought more than one pair of shorts on this beach vacation.

JoJo thinks this week has been really special and she's confident.

Uh-oh. JoJo has now called Ben her BFF.

"I never expected to be totally committed to wanting to expect a proposal." -- JoJo
Totally committed to what?

JoJo wants Ben to know that she has "so much faith" in Ben and making it work.

"So, you feel good?" -- JoJo
"That's a loaded question." -- Ben

Ben says, "it's exactly what you think."

"I want to hear you say it." -- JoJo

JoJo legit just said, "like, why are you so confused?"
LOLz.

They get out of the jungle and back to that mini couch in the hotel.
JoJo feels bad for making Ben uncomfortable.

Ben can't use his words and JoJo is wearing the sexiest outfit the hotel gift shop had for sale.
If he's going to say goodbye, he's going to regret it!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate JoJo's commitment to that wine and these questions.


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Ben says he doesn't have any concerns about JoJo. (HE ALSO HAS NO CONCERNS ABOUT LAUREN.)

Ben keeps talking about these gUrls supporting him like it's not a competition for an engagement ring.

"Somehow, you've become my best friend." -- Ben
Could be that plunging neckline. 

JoJo wants a sign. So, she takes him to the bathroom.

Ben is all, "LOOK AT ME ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR."
And JoJo is finally like, "YOU LOVE HER, TOO?"
AND HE IS LIKE, "YES."

Ben leaves and says, "I love you."

Hey, Ben, just stop.

JoJo is now crying alone in her hotel room.

"I'm a lost man right now." -- Ben
APB for BEN, the lost man!

Ben says, "I'm lost" about 27 times.
He really wants everyone to know he's in love with two women.

You know, technically, you could be in love with two women and still have handled this a little better, buddy.

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Neil Lane was able to make the trip to the beach.
PTL. One of these days his calendar is going to be full. And then what?

"I've never broken up with someone I love." -- Ben
But, you've broken up with someone you don't love, probably, right?

Lauren is all, "every bone in my body is sure of this."

JoJo has been dreaming about getting dumped on national TV since she was a little gUrl.

"There's not an ounce in my being that isn't sure that's what I want." -- JoJo
So, what? You have no doubts? 

JoJo is letting fear take over, instead of faith!
When fear comes knocking, answer with faith, JoJo!

Ben is ready to break a heart.

JoJo said "him and I" again.

JoJo is the first one up, so FIRST PLACE IS THE ACTUAL FIRST LOSER TODAY.
SEE YA, JO.

JoJo says Ben has "always promised" not to blindside her and she truly hopes today is not the day for the blindside.

What day would it be on then, JoJo?

JoJo gives a speech.
She's realized this was worth it. She's been scared, but she remembers what Ben said.
Ben said, "love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it."

I think Paul said that in 1 Corinthians.

"Love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it." 1 Corinthians 92:24

It's actually the Bible verse Ben has tattooed on his rib cage.

"I didn't know if I could find love, I found it with you, BUT I FOUND IT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE MORE." --Ben
Not a real sentence. 

"I don't want to say goodbye. JoJo, I still don't question that I do love you." -- Ben
WHAT THE ACTUAL HOLY SHIT. 
That's present tense, Ben. 
You're breaking up with her. 
YOU NEED SAY, "LOVED."
LOVE-D. 
LIKE, YOU USED TO LOVE HER. 

As Ben walks her out, he's still preaching his feelings and how much his feelings haven't changed.
For obvious reasons, she is not happy about this.

"Where did it go wrong?" -- JoJo
"It never did." -- Ben


Oy. This guy.

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Before Lauren appears, Ben gets on the phone to ask Lauren's dad permission to propose.
He did not mention that he just told another gUrl he couldn't give her an answer on what wrong and that his feelings for her were real.

IN PRESENT TENSE.

Lauren appears and acts super mature.

"You're my person." -- Lauren

Ben talks about journeys and goodbyes.

"I want to kiss you on the face every morning." -- Ben
What a weird thing to say. 

Ben proposes. Lauren says yes.

Ben, then grabs Lauren's face and says, "Lauren, you're my person."

NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN LESS READY TO GET MARRIED THAN THESE TWO.
Mainly because they probably think one of the things they have in common that makes this right is that they have the same favorite color and both "really love John Mayer."


God Bless America and everyone in it.

the bachelor :: ben : epi 9.

Ben terrified because he doesn't know what he is going to do. Does he get the Accord with leather seats or the hybrid Camry?

"The water is blue." -- Ben

Pretty sure he just ranked his ladies.

Lauren!
JoJo.
Caila?

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First up is Caila. So far, with just one paddle down the river-- BORED. So awkward. She literally was telling him about the hotel's amenities. And Ben was so bored, he was listening!

"She's melancholy." -- Ben
That's a big word, Benny. 

Ben is looking for a gUrl who is more comfortable with him than this, so he's going to make her eat some chicken cooked on a grill on the side of a random river in Jamaica. I guess he also wants to see what a gUrl is like when they are throwing up from eating chicken cooked on a grill on the side of a random river in Jamaica.

Caila is the Marco Rubio of the bachelorettes.

Caila just wants to feel comfortable enough with Ben to tell him she loves him. Ben wants to know if they can talk about how "weird" she was during the date.

I can only pay attention so much. Only part of Caila has wanted to tell Ben something for a long time. So, part of Caila is in love?

"I can feel in his breath that he feels the same." -- Caila
Uh...

CAILA IS BACK!

"Oh, you sly fox." -- Caila
So, she's the only gUrl in the world that thinks an older gentlemen randomly leaving them a key to a hotel suite is sly. 

So many fireworks. Other guests at this hotel probably think they are under attack.

Caila wakes up in that hotel room and just tells Ben she loves him about 27 times.

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Why is Lauren walking like that?

Lauren just needs to get these feelings off her chest. She also needs longer shorts.

Real question: does Ben plan these dates or does he say he planned the date because she has no idea what is planned?

"There's something about the water." -- Lauren
These people and their words.

Ben takes Lauren to hang out with a guy named Mel. Mel wants Ben and Lauren to help release a mess of baby sea turtles.

"We are helping turtles survive and that's an important thing." -- Ben
So important. 

Ben says something about cuteness and like, no.

I think Ben prayed over the bucket of baby sea turtles before releasing them into the ocean.
I wish he would pray about his decisions to kiss all these ladies and the spend the night with them, too.

Unpopular opinion alert: those baby sea turtles are grossing me out.

Ben decided to tell Lauren about how he started crying in front of her sister.

Now, these two idiots are in an argument over who is too good for who. Listen, you're both just good enough for each other. No one is better than the other. You both deserve love and no one is unlovable.

All these gUrls get in the confessional and act like they have the nuclear codes, "I know I have to tell Ben...that I love him."

Now, Lauren is saying this "SECRET" is causing anxiety.  Do y'all know what a real secret is?

Like, if you haven't told this man you used to be a man and you aren't registered to vote in any state-- that's a secret.


Lauren is scared. It's scary.
But, what's scary?
The other relationships!

Ben doesn't want Lauren to hold in any questions, concerns, feelings or great 3-ingredient recipes she might have. He wants it all!

Lauren is freaking out and doesn't know if she can tell Ben she loves him.

Ben, the sly fox, slips Lauren the fantasy date card. I feel like you could almost see Ben mouthing the words as she read the card. LOLz.

Before Ben can even ask Lauren how she feels about the overnight date, she's all-- HELL YEAH, FANTASY SUITES ARE SWEET.

"I need time... to just... do us." --Lauren
Oh, baby gUrl is ready for a serious relationship. 
She wants a man to just do us. 


Lauren launches into a speech about "needing to tell Ben something" like-- a secret. Like, she was a Playboy model or has a boyfriend at home. NOPE. She's in love.

BEN RETURNED THE FEELINGS. BEN SAID HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER, TOO.
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO, BEN!!!!!!!!!!!


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Lauren didn't think guys like Ben existed.

Places to find guys like Ben: a rec league basketball team, any business school in America, a sales conference in Chicago or Birmingham, middle school, a Republican rally, a college football game, Target, any Apple store

Lauren feels like waking up next to Ben is an actual dream.

Ben's sentence structure is almost grotesque.

Ben says  "I love you" again before she can and this is bullshit.

"Ben is my person. He's my person." -- Lauren
Christina and Meredith would not agree. 

After exclaiming she's never been happier, Lauren remembers-- THERE ARE TWO OTHER WOMEN.

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"I need to explore where my heart is with JoJo." -- Ben
Ben, your heart lies between your right and left lungs, in the middle of your chest and slightly towards the left of your breastbone.

JoJo feels SO lucky. 
She feels safe. 
JoJo trusts him. 

Listen, I don't want to say this, but I have to-- JoJo should burn that bathing suit. Immediately. 

Yep, that's a tattoo with lady font on Ben's side. It's Proverbs 16:3. Not a lot of wisdom in the actual design he chose for the verse, but the verse is solid. 
When JoJo thinks about the future, there's not a doubt in her mind that she wants to spend the future with Ben, BUT SHE IS SO SCARED.

JoJo doesn't want to think about what it would be like to lose Ben, so... HE SAYS HE LOVES HER, TOO.


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Today is the best day of JoJo's life.
Ben is officially the biggest assmonkey of all-time. Ever.

Ben, you F-wad, this is where you decide to NOT tell either gUrl you love them. DUH. Do you know anything about anything at all?! Like. What in the literal hell is wrong with you?

Ben is in a state of shock after telling two women he loves them. The producers are in a state of shock as well. Because, holy shit, bagass! You don't do that!

JoJo is calling this the best day of her life.

"It doesn't scare me to tell you that." -- Ben
But, is there a contractual agreement?
TV contracts are real. 

Now, JoJo wants to know "what happened" with her brothers. Why did her voice get so nasal-y?

Ben doesn't know JoJo's brothers ANY better and they don't know him ANY better.
: (

Ben is not scared.

"It feels so nice to hear you talk." -- JoJo
What?

JoJo is excited to talk freely.

Sexy-time in the hot tub! Uh-oh!

Ben has made out on the bed with every single gUrl while wearing bathing suits. That's like, serious.

That bed looks a little rougher than the other two beds did. : /


-------

Ben said that was one of the best nights of his life.
He loves JoJo, he does.

"It's really weird to think I am in love with two women." -- Ben
No, no. No. 
That is not how it works. 

Ben just can't "get there" with Caila.

Caila just really needs to see Ben, so she's in that Caddy and she's going to get her man!

Ben's just lounging around, staring at shit and here comes Caila!
In all honesty, I would not be shocked if Caila has restraining orders out against her.

When Ben sees her, he says, "What the heck?!" He wanted to say "hell" as bad as we wanted him to say it.

Those ABC Producers are like, really doin' it this season.

Ben has to be honest. He has to confident. He has to say goodbye.

Ben says it "means a lot" that Caila came over there. He means "scary" and "inappropriate."

Ben decided to drop the bomb on Caila. He tells her that he is in love with two women. She is LITERALLY, his perfect wife. But, C YA, BG.

"I'm really going to miss you." -- Ben

Caila is holding together. Kind of. She said Ben could walk her out, but she really wants him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Before getting in the Caddy she said, "I really did love you." She gets in and THEN...she gets out.

Baby gUrl got out of the car!!!!!!!!!!!!
She wants to know when he knew.

Caila is finally going to leave and then they just talk about how much they will miss each other.
Then, longest hug ever. Like, she was gonna get that hug in.

Safety first!
Baby gUrl put that seatbelt on!

Caila was ready. She was ready. She was ready. She was ready.

Ben hopes he didn't make a mistake, so he sits on the stairs with his head in his hands to think it all over. Caila is doing the same thing in the car.

"I was ready." -- Caila, every 8 seconds. 


-----

IS THIS THE LONGEST EPISODE OF THIS SHOW EVER OR WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS FOR MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE.

"Right now, I have two true loves." -- Ben
I think that's the point of "true love," Ben. There can't be multiple. 

JoJo has zero doubts. ZERO DOUBTS.
Are all of these people on a loop?

"I can't imagine him feeling the same way about someone else." -- JoJo
Well, shit. 

Chris said he was surprised that Ben said "I love you" back to Lauren.

"Are you the most anxious or the same?" -- JoJo

"Where's Caila?" --JoJo

About the time the gUrls realize Caila ain't coming, Ben walks in. He seems very underdressed. Where do these wardrobe people find this much linen?

Ben couldn't feel luckier. Honestly, the situation he's gotten himself in has very little to do with luck. I don't think very many people would waste a wish from a genie on this one, Benny.

This guy.

the bachelor :: ben : epi 8.

So, I've been working the past two Monday nights and I was hoping I'd be working this Monday, but I just couldn't come up with anything.

-----

ITZ TIME FOR HOMETOWN DATES.

Ben is just hanging out on the beach doing math.

"We are down to four women. We started with 28 women." -- Ben
Yes.

Ben's first hometown date is with Amanda in Laguna Beach. Prayers that Lo, LC, and Stephen show up. Nope, the special guests are Amanda's kids.

Those lil' Gs have on some intense sandals.

Ben helps the big G with something in the sand, so now she is ready to play. The littlest G is having some problems with this whole being on a beach with a strange man and some cameras.

The "couple" heads back to grandma and grandpa's house and Auntie is there, too. Grandpa is concerned that Ben isn't ready for kids and that he's too young.

Grandma pulls Ben aside and lets him know that she's "quite cautious."

I'm bored.

-----

Next up, we head to Portland. I don't even know this gUrl's name, so I hope they put it on the screen.

Oh, Lauren!

Lauren is ready to show Ben "the city that made me." I watch "Portlandia" and she doesn't seem super into making her own deodorant or anything. IDK.

Ben was very impressed with the "Keep Portland Weird" wall. Ben is the most plain-Jane guy alive. PLZ take him to some hipster coffee shop, Lauren. PLZ. I want someone to ask him if he makes his own car tires.

Lauren takes Ben to a whiskey library and Ben's eyes are so big. He has never seen anything like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lauren doesn't think she's going to get approval from her family. Who wouldn't approve of a successful guy in "sales" who drives a white car and feels "unlovable"?

Ben really hit it off with the old ass dog (OAD), so things will probably work out. The entire family is drinking  white wine, but Ben is drinking whiskey. Oh, now he's drinking red wine. I wonder if dad thought that was annoying?

Lauren's sister is asking some questions. She doesn't want to "grill" him, but she is.
She has hesitations because Lauren is eligible. She is funny, smart and beautiful.

Ben starts crying when talking about Lauren.

I THINK MY BROTHER WOULD PUNCH A GUY WHO DID THAT IN FRONT OF HIM.
He would be like, "Whoa. Nevermind. Do whatever."

The tears sealed the deal for Sister.
Now, Sister has to ask Lauren what's up. Sister reminds Lauren that she was just in a relationship a year ago.

"Ben is my person." -- Lauren
Thanks, "Grey's Anatomy."

Lauren's dad wants to know how she is different from the rest.

"The first time I saw her, the world stopped." -- Ben
Lies. 

Dad isn't into the fact that Ben is telling the same thing to three other fathers "out there." Ben almost started to cry in front of dad, but he kept his shit together. Mostly.

Dad "loves" that Lauren feels strongly about Ben, but he's not that into it. So. IDK.

Lauren did not tell Ben that she loves him.

-----

Ben is somewhere in Ohio for a date with that gUrl who spells her name way incorrectly.

Ben says this is his deepest relationship, so I hope he asks her to change her name soon.

"This is where I became my own person." -- gUrl
She was saying this about her high school. 

I'm still not sure I am my own person and this G said she figured that out in high school?!
Millenials. Ugh.

Caila's dad is the CEO of "this" toy company, so they are going to design a house together.

"Your favorite color is blue, so this should be blue." -- Caila
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.

Now, they are going to the toy factory and Ben cannot even handle this excitement.
He seems like a guy who claps when the plane lands. : (

Does this chick do pageants? She seems a little too put together. No single chick is this put together. Not on this show.

Ben carrying her out of the toy factor is the worst rom-com ending I've ever seen in my life and I've seen all of the movies.

OMG. CAILA'S DAD LOOKS LIKE A DAD IN A MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE.
OMG. OMG. OMG.

He asks Ben what it's like meeting four sets of parents AND CAILA IS MAD.

WHY ARE ALL THE PARENTS ASKING THE SAME QUESTION.
I mean, I get it, but... every single parent has asked WHY DO YOU LIKE MY DAUGHTER?

"It sounds to me like you're interested." -- Caila's Mom

Caila lets Ben know that she isn't looking for just any Tom, Dick or Harry. No idiots allowed.

"What's in your heart?" -- Caila's Dad
HE IS WEARING YELLOW PANTS. 

Caila starts bawling and tells her dad that she is in love, but she doesn't want dad to think that she's getting swept up in her emotions.

IF THIS CHICK SAYS "MOMMY" OR "DADDY" ONE MORE TIME IMMA FLIP MY SHIT.

HOW CAN YOU CALL SOMEONE IN ADULT BRACES "MOMMY"?

Did someone die? Why is she so concerned with time?

G has on leather pants. She ain't as quaint as she's letting on. I don't remember anyone in "Pleasantville" wearing leather pants.

Caila did not spill the beans about being in love. It's too scary.

-----

Next, we head to the town where all my dreams died-- DALLAS.

That shirt is a little sexy for mom and dad.

Ben sends JoJo flowers and a letter. NO. NO. THE LETTER IS FROM CHAD.
SHE READ HALF OF A LETTER BEFORE REALIZING IT IS FROM SOME OTHER DUDE.

Oh, ABC, you slinky sons of bitches!
You got this gUrl good.

JoJo calls Chad.
Chad knows what love is now. This is how he feels.

BEN IS OUTSIDE.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

JOJO IS CRYING WHEN BEN COMES TO THE DOOR.

What the hell is your sweater, Ben?
I think he took that sweater from Caila's closet.

Ben is super intuitive, so he realizes right away that she is crying.
Since he is so into his emotions and JoJo's emotions, he asked her what was going on.

JoJo was super honest and legit with him about everything, but it's really hard to take her super seriously when she's wearing a sexy pirate costume.

"How are you feeling?" -- Ben
Such a sensitive man.

JoJo is super confident in her relationship with Ben. She knows Ben could've run from those flowers, but instead he sat on that couch and asked the tough questions like, "how do you feel?"

In the middle of talking about her family dog or something, JoJo just says, "I love you."
Honestly, that's how I'd do it. Just NBD, don't worry about it. Maybe he won't notice.

JoJo and Ben arrive at the family mansion and her brothers are acting exactly like older brothers should act while on national TV-- screaming, yelling.

MOM DOESN'T WASTE ONE SECOND.

"Ben, what sets JoJo apart from the other gUrls?" -- Mom

Ben can't even answer all of the questions JoJo's family is asking him. It's one question on top of another, non-stop, bambambambam.

That one brother is kind of Dallas fancy, so I bet he wants to burn Ben's sweater.

He cannot wear that sweater to any church in Dallas, much less a bar.

The Brother Bears take Ben into a very formal sitting room and one brother just stares at him and the other one asks questions and then stares at him. Like, death stares.

JoJo cries on the bed with her mom.

"I'm so scared, I don't want to get hurt." -- JoJo
"You are not going to get hurt, you're beautiful." -- Mom
Interesting way to look at it?

"No, there are still three other gUrls involved." --JoJo
"Oh." -- Mom
Mom just thought this was a TV show for her daughter, I guess?

JoJo's dad takes Ben into the family library to talk about trust. Ben doesn't want to make promises.

The Brother Bears sit down with their sexy pirate of a sister.
Speaking of sisters, didn't she have a sister come to the door?

"How can you fall in love with someone you've only been on two dates with?" -- Older Brother

Uptown Brother does not like that JoJo is talking Ben up this much.
Older Brother doesn't think Ben is as emotionally invested in this situation as she is.

Older Brother confronts Ben and accuses him of brainwashing. So, Older Brother thinks Ben is a cult leader or something.

BEST BACH EPISODE EVER.

Older Brother is now accusing Ben of being coached up in his answers.
Parents are pacing back-and-forth.
Also, JoJo's mom is drinking straight from the bottle.





Uptown Brother is just staring at Ben.
Uptown Brother is now saying that JoJo has a strong poker face, but she's super into this.

Dad steps in and says he thinks Ben has answered all of his questions and thinks he is honest.

"I came to Dallas because I really like JoJo." -- Ben
That's the only reason to go to Dallas. 

"I'm more than a little bit confused." -- Ben
He's likely never been confronted over ANYTHING in his life. 

JoJo, the sexy pirate, put Ben in that Suburban and she's scared of losing him.

Let's remind everybody:

Ben is 26.
 JoJo is 24.

So, they'll be fine.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!

So, every gUrl is in love with Ben and it's silly to even talk about roses, because "it's so much bigger than that."

Ben struts out into that rose ceremony like he's about to pitch on "Shark Tank" and he knows his idea is real, real dumb.

Amanda does not get the rose.
Amanda has two children.

Ben walks Amanda out and they sit on a bench.

Ben watches Amanda's limo drive away with a very confused look on his face. He is starting to ALWAYS look very confused. This guy.

So many tears. So many. From me too. Why are we still watching this?!???!?!?

the bachelor :: ben : epi 5.

Ben really loves Mexico City and he really knows his stuff.

"It's the political AND cultural capital of the country." -- Ben, re: Mexico City 

"I feel like Mexico City is going to be a really good place to fall in love." -- Ben
I can't question your feelings, Ben. But, you also think TV is a good place to fall in love. 

He would say the same thing about Senor Frogs in Cancun.

The gUrls arrive at the hotel and most of them have never been to a hotel before.

"It's one of those hotels that just makes you feel special." -- gUrl
Sounds very "Pretty Woman."

-----

Ben does old Bach trick where he wakes up his G at like, NO A.M. All the gUrls act like they've never woken up early or ever. My family used to leave on road trips at 3 am.

Instead of going back to sleep crazy Olivia gUrl (COG) decided to not go back to sleep. COG has decided that Ben is not ready to be a dad.

Ben has decided to take Amanda in a hot air balloon. He's dressed like a model from Eddie Bauer. He's probably the last guy on earth who shops at Eddie Bauer.

The hot air balloon drops them off in a field, so I assume the next part of the date will involve some sort of kidnapping for drug money or something?

Ben just wants to be around Amanda and see what "life is like" or something.

Ben is legit the type of guy that dips his Oreos in milk.

Ben is learning that Amanda is a beautiful person.
But, there's still a lot he wants to know.

Amanda was cheated on by a super shitty dude, who was also the father of her children. It's a terrible story. I don't know why she would add to the story by coming on this show.

Ben cannot believe Amanda is here and giving up her time to be here.

Ben is not going to run and he ready to talk through "us."

Amanda gets the rose.

-----

GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Jubilee hates group dates. She just hates competing with other gUrls for a man's love.
So, she's never heard of this show before? This is a totally new concept for her?

The group heads to a classroom to learn a little bit of Spanish.
Then, they have to say inappropriate things in Spanish to Ben.

LIKE, SORRY-- IT MEANS THE SAME THING IF YOU SAY IT IN SPANISH.
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY, "I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU."

Jubilee ain't having any of this shit.

"Jubilee was throwing 'tude." -- gUrl
Ben looked annoyed. 

Of course, COG was pretty convinced that it was real. IT WAS ELECTRIC.

WHY THE ACTUAL F WAS HE EVEN FAKE DOWN ON ONE KNEE?
GET IT TOGETHER, ABC.

The group heads to a Mexican restaurant to "cook some real Mexican food."

"We get to taste Mexico with our stomachs." -- Olivia
That isn't a thing people say!!!!!!

Everyone has to break into teams of two with Olivia and Jubilee fighting over Ben, so of course, Olivia wins. BEN LOOKS SO THRILLED.

HE ALSO LOOKS LIKE HE KNOWS HE COULD BE MURDERED SOON.

I'm bored. They have to cook food, but the recipes are in Spanish.
OH NO, WHAT A LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THIS IS LIKE FOR A PERSON?

Olivia is treating this time as a one-on-one.

That twin wants to throw up.

"And her breath is horrible." -- Twin
To be blunt, her mouth smells like "horseshit."

Ben thinks it'll be "fun" to see the woman cook with different utensils?????????

Why does he think Mexico has different utensils??????

Spatulas are NOT different in Mexico.
Are they??????

Ben likes that people are smiling and cooking.
Ben does not like that Jubilee might be holding back a little bit on having fun.

You know what? JUBILEE DOES NOT THINK THIS IS FUN.
SO.

The chefs sit down to eat the prepared dishes and they are being really sweet.
Just like, "could be better" stuff. They probably want to puke, though.

Jubilee's dish WINS and the chefs want it in their restaurant.

I'm calling bullshit.


------

GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!

Olivia wants to go into this night and just "reconnect."
Somehow, she gets Ben first and gets him to kiss her.

Jubilee cannot handle this.
And she definitely cannot handle Ben taking Lauren B. out to the streets of Mexico City.

Jubilee is not used to being overshadowed. Luckily, someone told the Producers that and Ben came to get her for a talk. Ole Jubz didn't even want to hold Ben's hand.

"Do I stick out at all?" -- Jubilee
Oh. Well. Yes?

Jubilee thinks Ben doesn't even REMEMBER THEIR ONE-ON-ONE DATE!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben remembers, but he's like-- you got attitude, gUrl!!!!!!!!!!

This is all very childish. So, it's really great TV.

Ben is "just confused."
Ben doesn't know if he can fix it, so he "might have to say goodbye."

In a very short amount of time, Ben has decided that nothing could exist between Jubilee and himself. This transition happened very quickly. But, Jubz is the other gUrl who could murder potentially murder him, so it is best he get at least one future murderer out of his life.

Ben walks Jubz out. She has to get in a really scary Toyota Corolla.
The show didn't even get her one of those sadass mini-vans.
: (

Ben sits on the steps and fake cries for a few minutes. Mostly, he's upset that Jubilee could end up somewhere unsafe because he put her in a sketchy Mexico City cab. This is on him now.

JoJo steps in to rescue Ben. He says he's done breaking up with people after this.
THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER SHOW, BENJI. WHOLE OTHER SHOW.

After his pep talk, Ben has decided that this is all worth it.
He better be getting at least, $300,000 for this bull shit.

Olivia's "reconnect plan" worked. She got the date rose. Very odd.

-----

The other gUrls "don't get" his connection with Olivia. They are having that moment every G has-- "if he liked her once, how could he now like me? She's PSYCHO."

-----

Ben and the gUrl with the accent are headed to a Mexican Fashion Week show. You know what they say about fashion weeks-- Paris, Milan, Mexico City.

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

Ben asked Lauren H. if she had ever modeled and she told us, "I can't get high cheek bones."
What?

Teacher gUrl is a teacher, not a model.

"Soft elbows." -- Fashion lady
That's exactly the direction I would expect someone to give a model. 

Ben gives Lauren a pep talk while wearing a VERY OFFENSIVE shirt. That shirt should be allowed.

I fast-forwarded to dinner.

"It's been a slow burn." Ben, re: his relationship with Lauren H. 
The phrase "slow burn" usually describes a sexually transmitted disease of like, something that catches on late in its existence, like an album or a movie. 

I hope Lauren H. has now heard Ben say this about her. 
I hope she's kind of pissed. 

I am super bored.

Lauren H. got cheated on. A year after being cheated on, she woke up on her burrday and said, "I CAN CHOOSE."

Bored.

She starts crying when Ben says today was a fun day.
That's too easy.
If you start crying when a boy says, "that was fun" you aren't okay. She probably thinks a boy patting her on the head is him being sexy with her, too. : (

She gets the rose.

YAWN.

------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've come to the point in the season where the other gUrls are ready to sabotage another gUrl.
Ben plays his part by saying something about "just want to know if these gUrls are being real."

Unscripted my ass.

Amanda is sharing her feelings with the gUrls and talking about her kids. The gUrls are being sweet and listening.

"I feel like this an episode of 'Teen Mom.'" -- Olivia
Them's definitely fightin' words. 

Listen, I'm a proud "Teen Mom" watcher and if someone ever compared me to someone on that show-- whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Some of those chicks have their shit together, but mostly-- they all need some therapy and time away from the cameras.

Not something you say to a single mother. No matter her age.

Twin sits down and starts crying.

Ben has finally decided that he's not seeing something in Olivia.
HE SEEMS TO BE MISSING SOMETHING.

Ben and Olivia sit down, for the 19th time or so.

Twin calls other Twin in tears.

"Olivia is being so rude." -- Twin

All these Bs be crying, so Ben interrupts the rose ceremony and decides to pull Olivia aside.

The gUrls have decided that Ben can "do whatever he wants" and all the rules are out the window.

Oh, of course. TO BE CONTINUED.
FML.



------

My good friend and avid fan "The Bachelor" needs your help! Courtney Backus Norton is participating in the 14th Annual Kiss a Pig Gala “Uncle Ham Wants You”-- for the local chapter of the American Diabetes Association. 

Courtney has enlisted the help of a very special pig to help her raise money and awareness for this special cause. Wiley has been traveling all over the country to help her out, but he always make time for his favorite show on Monday nights. Nothing says "let's cure diabetes" like shitty TV, right?!

To help Courtney and the American Diabetes Association out, check out www. snortinnorton.org. You can also follow Wiley on Instagram, at @WatchWiley. 

ChrissyPoo Harrison won't see any of your donations-- this is all going to the good folks of the ADA, so help a sister out. 

the bachelor :: ben : epi 4.

In 2005 I thought watching this show every Monday night was something fun to do with my friends. I regret that now.

-----

Chris Harrison rolls in and tells the ladies they are headed to Las Vegas and I swear they must have heard, "Princess Kate is throwing you a brunch" by the way they reacted. I mean, sure, a free trip is a free trip, but we're talking about Nevada here. I would expect this reaction if Chris had said, "you're all going on a Disney cruise!"

Whatever.

Why is Ben driving that old Mustang around? If you are trying to tell me that Ben drives anything but a white Honda Accord, YOU ARE INSANE. Like, clinical.

A helicopter comes and picks up Ben and JoJo, while Olivia is having a psychotic break back in the hotel room. One moment she is the chillest and the next, she is crying and looks like she may have slept in a ditch the night before.

----

JoJo knows herself and knows she has a hard time opening up. Ben, on the other hand, is wearing a splatter paint blazer.

JoJo just got out of a relationship. Ben is sorry and he doesn't want her to hold back.

Ben's haircut is the saddest.

JoJo gets the rose, BUT THERE IS MORE.

"I've had the best time." -- Ben
This guy knows all the words and shit. 

Ben takes JoJo out on the balcony to watch some fireworks. They make out and Olivia is upset that her "husband" is out there kissing another woman. She is very "upset."

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

What's up with those twins?

Ben takes the ladies to a ventriloquist show and considering Brooks & Dunn, Britney Spears and Celine were all doing shows in Vegas when this was shot-- : (

The gUrls have to have a competition. The twins feel like they are ahead of the game.

"I don't think many people have talents." --gUrl
YOU SAID IT. 

Everyone thinks Olivia has a secret hidden talent. Arson isn't a talent, gUrl. Neither is stalking.

The gUrls have to perform their "talents" on stage in front of a bunch of drunk people who couldn't get tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

Each G gets to perform for approximately 35 seconds.

Olivia pops out of a cake wearing nothing but sequins and a cape. Her dancing wasn't even as good as a middle school teacher at a middle school dance.

That one chick wore her normal clothes and hit a tennis ball through a hula hoop. SKILLZ. You can't learn that shit in school.

Olivia is now in a bathroom crying. We've all been there, gurl. But, most of us don't put on a sequined thong and bounce on stage like we're the closing act a VBS show with some nervous, sugar-high children.

-----

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caila wants to stand out in front of the other gUrls. She's used to being spoiled and getting attention. NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU, G. NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU.

"She's like a sex panther." -- Ben
What the F is a sex panther?
The guy who probably couldn't accurately describe an Old Navy fleece is now calling a gUrl a "sex panther."

Ben took that puppet and then that gUrl with the accent kissed it and it was very odd. I felt very weird.

Olivia pulls Ben aside and it was dumb. She said she was trying to be sexy, but still wanted to be awkward. Then, she stuck her fingers in her mouth for 12 seconds or so.

Blonde hair gUrl says she's in love, BUT, she's never been this scared to be in love.

Olivia is back.

Let's talk about Ben's leather jacket. Can't you just see Badass Ben toolin' around in a Hyundai Sonata with that jacket on? Why does he have on a jacket and those gUrls are sitting there looking very chilly.

Somebody got a rose. I don't know her name.

------

It's time for the one-on-one date and Becca got a big ass package in the mail. It's a wedding dress.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

Becca is really excited, because of "who Ben is as a person."

Becca goes to meet Ben at a wedding chapel and he gets down on a one knee like a total assboat and pretended to propose.

Ben is going to legally marry couples today. HE CAN'T EVEN TUCK HIS DAMN SHIRT IN.
ASSBOAT.

Travis looks like a cell phone salesman. Leah looks like someone who knits a lot.

WELL, EVERYONE-- WE HAVE REACHED THE POINT OF A RECYCLED DATE IN "BACHELOR" LAND. THEY HAVE DONE THIS WHOLE SIGN THING BEFORE.

"I want to know if she can love, if she can feel." -- Ben

Why is Ben so concerned about IF she can feel? Not, if she has feelings for him, but IF she can feel.

Now, we have to have this whole Becca is a virgin conversation. She's drinking whiskey, he's drinking red wine. RED FLAG.

-----

That whole twin thing. IDK. If Ben was the one who actually recognized that he needed to put a stop to this horse shit-- GOOD FOR HIM. I imagine it was some production assistant who disagreed with having twins on in the first place and made the producers promise that this wouldn't go past four episodes or something.

What's next? A mother-daughter duo?

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Olivia pulls Ben aside for the 293rd time. Ben is drinking a cocktail with an entire lemon in his glass. Like, what is he drinking and how can he even get to it with ONE FULL LEMON in that glass?

Olivia keeps apologizing.
She also said she is not insecure.
Listen, I don't know much about much (minus presidents and country music), but I know what an insecure human looks like and sounds like. AND WE ARE LOOKING AT ONE.

"I don't need you to apologize to me for jumping out of a cake." -- Ben
BULLSHIT, Benny. She needs to apologize for watching you sleep at night, too. 

Olivia then tells Ben she is FALLING FOR HIM and it's the coolest feeling in the world.

"I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere." -- Olivia

As soon as she said that you could tell that she realized-- I could be going somewhere if you make me leave, but she stuck to her guns. And she probably, actually has a gun on her.

JoJo told Olivia that she is asinine. Olivia handled it very gracefully.
Gracefully = she truly believes Ben is communicating with her telepathically.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"All eyes are on me." -- Olivia

OLIVIA IS THE KANYE WEST OF "THE BACHELOR."

This woman isn't okay. Also, shame on the producers for just letting her sit there and babble and then dubbing it over the ENTIRE rose ceremony.

Who is Leah?

Olivia thinks she gets the final rose because she's the best. I think Ben is telling her to lock her shit up. She has NOT kept her game tight. At all.

Other chick that got cut thinks she got cut because she didn't kiss Ben.
I think she is totally right. : /

End scene.

the bachelor :: ben : epi 2.

The last 7 days have been spent hoping and praying the ABC Producers would try a little something different tonight, like an episode without the gUrls or Ben. Or both.

Nope. Not only are all the ladies here, but so is Ben and they are all going to high school.

ChrissyPoo Harrison meets up with all of beauty school dropouts and not one of these gUrls would be able to wear their shorts in an actual high school. Finger tip rule, chicas!

"Ben really loves apples." -- Chris
THE F. 

Then, Ben makes some sick joke about what would've happened if his teachers would've been this good looking in high school.

I've been on a lot of first dates-- Some really great first dates and some really terrible first dates.
THIS ISN'T EVEN A DATE.
THEY ARE IN A HIGH SCHOOL CARRYING AROUND BACKPACKS.
What is even in the backpacks?


"Basketball really means a lot to me." -- Ben
America, this is your Bachelor. 

Holy shit. Ben is making these gUrls race for his heart.
One G is barefoot, the other is wearing pink shorts from Old Navy.
The barefoot gUrl won and now she's the most unlikely homecoming queen ever.

Do they still make lettermen's jackets?

Now, Ben is in an old Mustang just toolin' around the track with his queen. Literally, they took like, 9 laps.

-----

AFTER DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca, who I guess is crazy because she is here, decided to be here BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE HERE. She takes her wine and her basketball to a private court to shoot a hoop or two with Benny. Yes, just one hoop. She shot it once and then told Ben he could take his shirt off, but he didn't.

"My wife could be in this group." -- Ben
#Prayers4Ben

Out of nowhere, Ben throws on a really ugly blazer and kisses someone named Jen. I can only assume she got the first kiss because their names rhyme.

I actually agree with this tactic.

Ol' gUrl Lace (OGL) is not feelin' it, but she is talking about herself in third person.

"Who's Lace? What's she about?" -- Lace
#OGL

Lace starts off her conversation by apologizing. She thinks Ben is THANKFUL for her apology.
What an odd thing to think/feel.

OGL thinks Ben is making eye contact with her, but I feel more like she was casting some sort of spell on him.

Jubilee saves Ben before Lace can totally finish her spell. Ben thanks her for pouring her soul out. He then kisses her. The kiss seemed like a handshake more than a kiss. Conversation is over, we've gotta do something type of thing.

All of the ladies have been sitting around drinking and bitching. A terrible combination.
UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A REALITY TV DATING SHOW.

OGL gets up TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN.
AND OH HELL NO THEY ALL SAID.
OH HELL NO.

The ladies are frustrated because LACE HAS TALKED TO BEN TWICE NOW.
TWICE.

Can you believe that?

Ben decides to take some gUrl in a dress to the top of a building. Ben wanted to thank the gUrl in a blue dress for her great attitude. This feels like one of those Daddy-Daughter dates I see on Facebook all of the time. No man has ever taken me on a date and thanked me for my attitude (could be a me thing, though, IDK).

Ben can only give the rose to one person and he gives it to the gUrl in the blue dress.
I find out her name is JoJo, which is a real name, I guess?
He called her JoJo, so it could be on her birth certificate?

 ------

We head back to the house and learn that Ben has decided to continue this process. That's right, Ben still thinks this process could work.

ChrissyPoo was in charge of the one-on-one date today and he decided Ice Cube and Kevin Hart should go on the date with Ben and and that gUrl.

This is odd because Ice Cube nor Kevin Hart need to be on this show to help their careers.

Kevin wants to go on the date, Ice Cube does not.

gUrls are screaming.

Lace is mostly mad because Ben is driving?

The guys take Ben to a liquor store.
NOW, THIS IS A DATE.

"What's your favorite color?" -- Ben
This is your Bachelor, America. 

This chick is easy to please because she called riding in a car "out of the box."

Now, they are at a hot tub store and they are actually in a hot tub. Kevin Hart is also in the hot tub.


-----

SOME G IS FACETIME'N HER KIDS ON LIKE, AN IPHONE 3. : (

-----

Ben and super boring chick who really likes riding in cars with boys (come on, nailed it) are now at dinner.

Ben wants to know, straight up, what kind of qualities gUrl who has a name, but I don't know it, is looking for in a man.

She says she wants a dreamer or something?

NOW, BEN IS LIKE.

"What if everyone walks away?" -- Ben
Holy shit, Ben. 
Who is the gUrl who tried to feed you to wolves?

gUrl met a guy on a plane, but she was more obsessed with being featured in the Southwest magazine than actually marrying the dude, so it didn't work out.

Oh, her name is CAILA?
It was on a sign, but was there a typo?
That's not how you spell KAYLA.

Of course, one of Ben's favorite singers is Amos Lee.
I just learned everything I need to know about Ben.

"This is my favorite song. Like, of all-time." -- Ben
To clarify, he's saying this about an Amos Lee song, not a song off of Jay-Z's Black album or a deep cut from Billy Joel. 

There is kissing.

------

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!

The gUrls get off of an elevator and an iPad invites the ladies to enter the LOVE LAB.

Ben wants to know if science can help him find love.
But, science calls for everyone to wear very smile white outfits.
Ben gets to be fully clothed.

Okay, this is gross.
An odor test.

I definitely quit paying attention for a while.

One gUrl did say, "I think this is really valuable."
She probably reads horoscopes.
Oh, she also tried to kiss him while everyone was watching.

One gUrl got a really low score.

"You're trying to marry a guy and a doctor says, 'hey P.S. you're not compatible.' THAT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING." -- gUrl
There is actually some truth in that statement. 

------

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME AT THE BACHELOR PAD!!!!!!!!!

Ben really believes that those tests meant something.

"So, this is my bachelor pad." -- Ben
America, this is your most eligible. 

Ben is wearing a hoodie and a blazer. Somehow, he still got this chick to kiss him.

Let me set it up for you-- his line is, "this is my bachelor pad," he's wearing a hoodie with a blazer and she still kissed him.

Ben gave his jacket to every gUrl he talked to.
Oh, sorry. That gUrl has a blanket. It really looked like something Ben would wear though.

That one chick says she only PACKED A PAIR OF JEANS AND TWO BOTTLES OF VODKA.
Pick her, Ben!
Pick her.

Screw science! That gUrl is the real deal.

The gUrl with the kids tells Ben that she has two "kiddos running around."
She actually just said she had two daughters.

Ben isn't scared of kids, so he kisses The Mom.

Olivia and science get the rose.
She says the show is over now.

The mom is crying.

------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben walks into the party and literally, four or five gUrls scream.

Oh, shit.

Ben just casually quoted John Mayer.
This guy.
He probably writes Dave Matthews lyrics in greeting cards.

Ben's smoothest move is offering his jacket to gUrls.

Science gUrl steals Ben because she wants to take him "to a secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off."

One of the gUrls calls Science gUrl a "selfish bitch."
Those are like, real fightin' words.

Lace decides to pull Science gUrl aside.

Turns out, Science gUrl is a master manipulator. She convinces Lace that she just needs to go for it and give it her all.

Lace gets some time with Ben.
I think Ben is drinking straight vodka.
Hopefully, he got it from that one chick.

Lace tells Ben she was really dorky looking when she was a kid. She has no photos with her, so she describes the photos to Ben. Can you imagine anything worse than looking at someone's childhood photos? Oh, I can! Listening to someone describe their childhood photos!

She is still talking about herself in third person, but now she's crying, too.

gUrl with blonde hair gets some time with Ben and he pulls out a photo for her.  A PHOTO OF THE TWO OF THEM.

"I had this made." -- Ben
He's acting like he commissioned a portrait. 
He had Walgreens print off one 4x6. 
One 4x6. 

"I don't know how to make you feel really special." -- Ben
Smooth. 

This guy.

-----

Ben finds The Mom and asks to open an Etsy shop with her.

Ben 'N' Mom's Thangs and Things.etsy.com

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

BEN JUST WANTS SOME TIME TO THINK STUFF THROUGH.
I wish he would've done that when they approached him about being on this show.

The quiet gUrl from Oklahoma is FAH-REAKIN' out, Ben calls her name and now she pulls him aside.

She decides to leave.
Good for her.

Ben is okay with this because he wants the ladies to be "empowered."

"Ben doesn't even know who I am." -- gUrl
I feel bad because I don't know her name either. 

Of course, that gUrl got the rose and her name was Amber.

The homecoming queen didn't get a rose.

"They came here to meet me and now I have to ask them to leave? It doesn't make sense." -- Ben
But, that is the ACTUAL premise of the show.