the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : the finale.

Listen. I don't have a problem with Chris Harrison. I know he doesn't write his script. And hopefully, prayerfully, he doesn't pick out his own shirts. That pink thing is an absolute disaster.

We have finally come to a closing point on this trip down love's hellacious highway.

So. Kaitlyn's family is intriguing. KaityCat's sister is like, the biggest Bach fan EVER. She's all, "Nick V. ?!"

Dad and StepMom are super chill, while sister is explaining the rules of who all this stuff works.

"I am totally shocked that he is here." -- Mom
Then, Kaitlyn went on to tell her mom that she did the sex'n with Nick. 

Nick shows up and he's not really nervous, he just wants to be himself. Before going inside, Kaitlyn informs Nick that she told everyone about the sex'n.

StepMom Kathy, KathyCat, is so out of element.

SisterCat literally just said, "I hope he's here for the right reasons." She has waited her entire life to go on television and say that to a camera. KIDS, IF YOU DREAM BIG ENOUGH AND WORK HARD ENOUGH...

Mom pulls Nick aside and the real shit show begins. Talk about two gamers.

Mom goes on and on about how much she hated him on Andi's season.

"What does she see in you?" -- Mom
Ouch.

"Kaitlyn has told me there's a huge attraction to you. What is that?" -- Mom
Oh.

Nick starts to cry. I would cry too, if someone was all, "HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE YOU? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

Nick kind of asks for KaityCat's hand in marriage. Mom says, "sure."

She's on the Nick train now. ALL ABOARD. Next stop: Shitsville.

"I love every part of your daughter." -- Nick, to Dad
Better words, Nick. Dad knows you did the sex'n. 

Dad gives the bless'n.

"I'd be happy if the ring was put on her finger and Nick was the one who put it there." -- Dad
That is the most literal way to describe your daughter's engagement.


------

It's Shawn's turn in the gauntlet of traditional Canadian familial settings.

I feel like when Shawn is talking to the camera, he's yelling. I know he's not actually yelling, but it feels like he could be.

StepDad is stepping up his game this round.

Shawn brought SisterCat a gift for her kids and she's already switched teams.

StepMom isn't even on the screen this time around.

Mom just wants to ask Shawn about the sex'n. She wants to know how Shawn really feels about the sex'n.

"How are you going to handle that feeling of jealousy in the outside world?" -- Mom
Outside world? 

Shawn is only a rageful, jealous person because HE IS SO IN LOVE WITH HER, MOM. Once this is EXCLUSIVE and KaityCat is ALL HIS, there won't be  SINGLE PROBLEM. Because she will BE HIS and ONLY HIS.

Duh.

Mom isn't concerned that Shawn just told her there wouldn't be anymore problems because SHE WOULD BE ALL HIS. She just thinks it is wonderful.

Sister is now TOTALLY Team Shawn.

Shawn sits down with Dad. Dad has nodded once and said "sure" twice. One cracked smile and another head nod. He's so Team Shawn.

"I'd be so proud to have her as my gUrl." -- Shawn
I hope my dad would punch a man if that was a part of his speech to marry me. 

Shawn asks Mom and Dad for their blessings. Mom, of course, has a million things to say. Dad formed his statement as rhetorical questions.

BLESSINGS BESTOWED!

-------

FINAL DATE TIME WITH NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick wants to have a big barbecue with both of their families.

"I feel all those good feelings." -- Kaitlyn
Is something a person who has no real feelings would say.

Nick just wants KaityCat on his couch.

The boat has docked and KaityCat is now on NICK'S COUCH AT HIS AIR BNB.
KIDS, IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH.

These two lovebirds are just recapping their love story.

"I'm just happy you wanted this to be more than just text." -- Kaitlyn
Cat emoji with heart eyes. 

If I ever have to say that to a man, I will not.

Nick pulls the whole, "Hey...I got you something, it's in my room..." card.
Kaitlyn totally falls for it.

It's the shittiest picture frame you have ever seen.

How did Nick's shirt get unbuttoned. Surely she didn't do that?

That picture frame is something you give your grandmother. MAYBE. My grandmother wouldn't be into that.

NICK, ARE YOU NOT INTO PUNCTUATION?
And you don't just get to pick random words to capitalize. There's like, a pattern and rules to it.

That frame, y'all.
This chick is like, what 30? She can't be that into that frame.
I don't think she'd even put that on her wedding registry at the local store her mom made her register at so all her Sunday school friends can buy them a gift.


KaityCat can see Nick as her husband.

------

SHAWN'S TURN FOR A DATE!

Shawn is dressed like he's going to the gym. Kaitlyn is not.

Shawn wants to toast to their last date. AMEN. DRINK IT UP.

Kaitlyn apologizes for something and she starts petting Shawn's leg hair. Definitely one of the weirder things I've seen this week.

IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL DATE.

Shawn realizes the day has been a little awkward. Maybe it's awkward that Kaitlyn is chugging whiskey and you are drinking a Miller High Life, bro.

KaityCat's mind and heart are in SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES.

This is all very confusing to her. It's not easy.

Kaitlyn is all, "this has been hard on us," and then launches into the whole... "you know you have to watch me do the sex'n with Nick on the TV, right?"

Shawn is all, "My DVR is already set, gUrl!!!!!!!!"

Shawn has a gift for Kaitlyn, too.

"Shawn put together a memory jar...a couple of notes he had wrote me." -- Kaitlyn
You see see, he had wrote me these notes and he had put them in a jar.

Kaitlyn is convinced that no couple has as many memories as they do together.
NO ONE. NOT EVEN COUPLES WHO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER A WHOLE YEAR.

------

Neil Lane comes by to schlep jewelry at both these guys and Nick is all, "I've done this before!" Neil is like, "eh?" Neil is very saddened by Nick's story. I am sad that he doesn't know how to button shirts.

-----

NICK IS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

Nick finds his block and just needs a moment. KaityCat totally just wants this to be over. How can he not see this on her face? Nick. Come on, man. Look at her. She's about to throw up into that beautiful pool.

Kaitlyn doesn't stop him until he pulls the damn ring box out.

"No? All right." -- Nick

Her heart is just with somebody else. 

GET OUT OF THERE, NICK.

Nick gets in that limo and examines the ring. At least he's not out all that cash. Just his dignity. Which, he can't buy. So. Lose-lose. 

Nick tries to take a drink of water, but he has to throw that Irish shit ring off first. 

"I am the world's biggest joke." -- Nick

Nailed it. 

Nick's family is in the audience crying. What a way to go out. 

------

Shawn's limo rolls up.

He has been working on this speech. Again, Kaitlyn looks like she's going to puke. 

"These past couple of months, we had made some incredible memories." -- Shawn

You see, what we had done was we had made some memories. 

Basically, Shawn just said he wants to feel like he's going to throw up for the rest of his life. 

FINALLY. KaityCat gets to REPLY.

"You light me up!" -- KaityCat
Sounds like Mick Jagger. 

Kaitlyn is all like, "you never have to be jealous again. I am yours."
Not the best way to describe the situation. But, IDK.

After hearing that SHE IS HIS FOREVER, SHAWN IS READY.

"I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU." -- Shawn

Shawn basically just proposed by saying he was going to NEVER LET HER GO, EVER.

That was actually a really shitty proposal.
Bored.

And with that.

Life is back to being better because we are free from the tyranny of oppressively shitty TV.

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 8.

We open the show with the boyz discussing how bad it is going to hurt when they get thrown off. Joe, being honest, is not as confident. It is obviously some sadass foreshadowing. Like, we will all sit around and feel sorry for the boy talking most effortlessly about handling heartbreak.

Ben gets the date card and the one-on-one date.

"As much fun as we're going to have, I bet there's going to be some serious conversation." -- Ben
: /

Kaitlyn isn't always happy, so she's ready to show that side to Ben. To really show this, she makes Ben row across the ocean? lake? pond? while she just talks out of her ass.

If I wanted to show someone my "other" sides I'd be the one rowing the boat. Not the one enjoying someone else's hard labor.

Ben LOVES walking around islands and thinking about "the vikings."
What does that even mean?

Ben's outfit, categorized as expensive Great Depression wear, does not fit him. He looks like a khakis and sweater vest type of bro. Instead, he's wearing an updated "Newsies" outfit.

Ben and KaityCat are discussing what is and is not husband and wife material. WE ALSO LEARN THAT BEN FEELS UNLOVABLE. Listen, that's sad. But, if a man said that to me I would not be able to keep a straight face. I would also run. Like, he's cute, but I don't have time to tell him how lovable he is.

Would you ever be able to be like, "babe, pick up your damn socks, please?" or would it have to be like, "oh my gosh, angel honey, your cute-ass socks belong somewhere other than this floor and as great as it is that you left them here, I would love, love, love if you moved them."

Ben is all, overnights don't mean physical!
Kaitlyn is all, oh shit, are you a virgin?

------

Kaitlyn is taking Shawn, Nick and Joe on a group date.

Shawn is ready to get back into things and move this relationship forward. Translation: Shawn is ready to stop acting like a baby gUrl.

Kaitlyn cannot believe Shawn didn't kiss her the other day. So, they kissed and EVERYTHING IS BETTER NOW.

Kaitlyn like, can't even believe she has to drop this bomb on Shawn.

"I hate when people don't see things coming." -- KaityCat
Wowowowowowowowow.

Nick interrupts Shawn and is all, "Did you have a good week?"

Like, W T F.

"I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want." -- Kaitlyn

Nick has an entire conversation about the sex'n with his hand in his mouth like my 2-year-old nephew. So, he is basically mumbling and whisper. He's a whispy-mumb.

Meanwhile, Joe is still sitting around in his puffy vest contemplating just "being himself."

Kaitlyn comes to get Joe and he's ready to let her know how he feels about her. The two meander to a bench in the middle of nowhere.


Joe has a really great time with KaityCat. KaityCat asks Joe if he is worried about being engaged. HE IS NOT WORRIED AND HE IS GOING TO PROVE THAT BY INTERRUPTING HER WITH KISSES.

"I could be happy only kissing you for the next 60 years." -- Joe
Crickets. Crickets. 

"What? Did I stutter?" -- Joe
He literally said that. 

Kaitlyn starts the "pack your bags" speech. She just can't imagine saying goodbye to you. She needs to know things, but she just...

"Are you upset with me?" -- Kaitlyn
"Why would I be upset?" -- Joe
"I'm upset."
"Why are you upset? You chose this." 


Kaitlyn asks for a hug and Joe says, "I guess."

Joe asks Kaitlyn what to do and then says, "I don't have shit to say to you right now."
FINALLY. A REAL BREAK-UP.

It feels like all of the dudes have spent most of these season sitting outside being cold.
Is that their fault or the producers? Put on a damn coat. Like, you are sitting on TV shivering.

Kaitlyn doesn't feel right about handing out a rose. She feels great about Nick and needs more time with Shawn.

------

NIGHTTIME.

Shawn just needs a night to relax and just laugh.

If this guy drinks one more Guinness on this show I am going flip my shit.

Kaitlyn knows she cannot let Shawn find out about the sex'n from anyone than her. WHAT? WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

She just wants to hang out, but she does have something on her mind.
He takes a drink.
I want to drown a small rabbit in Guinness. I can't look at it anymore.

"I just know that I want to be honest...I don't want you to find out later...I just want to be so honest...Ummm... You know I had that one-on-one date with Nick? At night, we went back to my place and I just feel like it went too far. And... We had sex." -- KaityCat
Head nod. Head nod. 
Wipes his mouth with his shirt sleeve.
Deep breath. Clears throat. 
Head shake.


"Do you regret it?" -- Shawn
She says NO.

Shawn cannot figure out why she is telling him that.
He needs to re-group in the bathroom.
He walks to the bathroom and pulls his pants up to his chest.

Shawn comes back and obviously, he's upset about it. Mainly, he's upset because he doesn't like Nick.
Shawn doesn't want to make this about Nick. He is here for Kaitlyn. He is going to man-up. That's why he wants to do.

"I can't be upset, right? ... I obviously am." -- Shawn

Shawn already looked like a baby gUrl last week and now, when he really can act like a crazy person he knows he can't because he already played that card.

To the credit of the "relationship," everyone is going to have a past in a new relationship. Unfortunately, Kaitlyn's past is also her present. I imagine Shawn actually went and destroyed his hotel room as soon as the cameras were off.

------

IT IS A NEW DAY.

Jerad already got that fresh suit on and he wants to let her know EXACTLY WHERE HE IS AT.

Now, Shawn is back on his, "she told I'm the one" train and is prepared to "walk away from love."

ChrissyPoo comes in for a math lesson and is all, "there are four of you, only three get to see her naked."

KaityCat's mind is made up. NO PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL HOUR.

If I was Kaitlyn I would be so over talking to these bros about their damn feelings. But, also, I wouldn't put myself in the situation to have to listen to these bros talk about their feelings all the damn time, because I wouldn't go around sex'n on TV.

Shawn gets the first rose AND HE NEEDS TO TALK TO HER.

"Okay." -- Kaitlyn

Shawn just doesn't understand... WHY HIM he says. SHE ASKED HIM HOW HE FELT ABOUT HIM.

Then, he brings up "the one" talk again.

"I think I am here to explore other relationships. Because at the end of this, I will never explore another relationship. It will not happen. Telling you that you were the one half-way through was a mistake. I had no business doing that when I had other relationships to explore." -- Kaitlyn

"I am here to explore other relationships." -- Kaitlyn
So, now she's Lewis and Clark. Give her a compass!

So, "explore" means sex'n?

Then, Kaitlyn lets Shawn know that he needs to shut the hell up and let her figure this shit out. She plays the trust card and he wipes his mouth with his shirt again.

Shawn accepts the rose.
He's not that into exploring, but he knows he can "explore" with her later, in the fantasy suite.

Shawn is now only referring to Nick as "the other guy."

So. Baby boy Jerad DOES NOT GET THE ROSE.

Jerad still doesn't know about all the "exploring."
This kid would have ended up in therapy for YEARS had he found out.
Like, he would need one of those therapy dogs to walk around with him for the rest of his life.

-----

It's time for Nick's one-on-one date. They go to a church to just chat. Nick grew up with a religious background. I have no idea what that means. His parents met in a church and he used to go to confession.

"I'm realizing that my relationship with him isn't just physical. It's kind of spiritual, too." --KaityCat
Kind of. 

After the church chat they head to a bar and share a few "first" stories.

Then, they ask a local for marriage advice.

Before they leave, Nick makes the entire bar participate in a toast. It's really easy to rally a group of drunks. So, no points for Nick.

At this point, everyone has talked shit about Nick, so Nicky is ready to talk shit about everyone else.

There's just one person he has no respect for.

"I don't really respect people who brag about being eskimo brothers with famous country singers." -- Nick

Nick has tried to talk to Shawn. Shawn won't talk to him. Nick is worried about Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn feels like she's made SUCH. GOOD. DECISIONS.

Have you ever felt more sad for a person after they have said something like that?
Literally, she said "good decisions" and lightning struck.
That was not an accident.

Nick wants to be able to tell Kaitlyn ANYTHING.
But, she cannot figure out why the two of them keep saying bad things about each other.

Really? You can't?

Kaitlyn gives Nick the fantasy suite surprise card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that already happened. So, after all of this, they just get to do it again.
Nick can never get enough of Kaitlyn, so he just wants to wake up to her.

They head to a fake old jail cell and GIGGLESGIGGLESGIGGLES.

Everyone is such a good sport.

They head back to the Ramada Inn and talk about heading back there for an anniversary someday.

You know why I don't trust Nick?
That ring he wears.
He actually got a bigger one by the end of the episode.

That. And he keeps saying, "I can't get enough of you."
That's why I say about pizza.

The next morning the two get to enjoy some Ramada Inn room service.

Kaitlyn wants us to believe that she only ate chocolate (off of his body!!!!!!) during the fantasy date.
IDK. IDK.

------

Shawn just can't take it.
HE HAS TO TALK TO NICK.

Are hotels laws different in Europe? That hotel really gave up Nick's room number like that? NO.

PRODUCERS TRYNA TRICK ME!!!!!!!!

Shawn just wants to be honest. He doesn't want to spend any amount of time getting to know Nick.

"I think you're shit." -- Shawn

Honestly, this is absurd.

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 7.

What a week in America. And now. This.

The drama continues. Starting right now.

Shawn is still up in Kaitlyn's hotel room and he straight up asks, "are you in love with me?"
That answer isn't suitable.

Kaitlyn keeps trying to figure out what happened that made Shawn act like a crazy ex-girlfriend. She thinks he knows, but he doesn't know. HE IS JUST CRAY.

"I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. A VERY HARD TIME." -- SHAWN
"I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS." -- SHAWN

Finally, after exchanging very few words the two makeout.

Kaitlyn feels guilty. NOT BECAUSE OF THE SEX'N.
Because of the relationships.

Kaitlyn spends some time over-looking the hotel landscaping and Shawn contemplates life on the stoop, while Nick takes a lap with a guy I have never seen before. Tanner?

------

So, what is this two-on-one date?

Did that boat meet one single government safety standard? There's just no way.

Joe knew KaityKat could feel the passion.

Look at that beach. No wonder Irish people aren't tan.

"You're one in a million." -- Joe
It's like he read a book of cliches on the plane ride over. 

There are 322 million people in the U.S. alone. Half of those are probably women and maybe half of those are somewhere in Joe's age range. You're one in a million isn't really a compliment. He should've said, "You're one in 86,876,653 million" to be more realistic. Now, KaityKat is just thinking about all those other women and comparing herself. Oh. Isn't she Canadian? Yeah. Makes it even worse.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn aside and tell her that he is divorced because he cheated on his wife.

So. What friend told JJ, "Hey. Been a rough couple of years-- you cheated on your wife, lost your job, moved in with your parents-- why don't you go on TV?" No. No. No.

Kaitlyn promptly kicked JJ off and told she Joe she wanted to get to know him a little more.

-----

Shawn is still fah-reaking out, but now he's on a park bench. Has he been outside all day?

Has anybody ever told this guy anything before? I mean, you tell him, "you have the best shoes!" and now, he literally thinks he has the best shoes of anyone.

"You are the sweetest!" and now,  he absolutely believes no one is sweeter.

Shawn needs to wrap his shit up and take a Xanax.

Joe comes back with a rose, says one sentence and Shawn gets up and leaves. HE IS NOT STABLE.

So, he takes his feelings right back to KaityKat's hotel room.

What's this guy like after a real first date? He flies you home for the second date to meet grandpa on his death-bed? FIND YOUR CHILL, BRO.

Kaitlyn is alone in her hotel room crying again. She has to be a little annoyed, right? Or just like, tired?

KaityKat is still convinced that Shawn knows about the sex. BUT, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.
WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE DOES KNOW.

Kaityln and Shawn talk and I FF'd through a lot. Shawn wants her more than anything.

"It worries me that Shawn needs all this reassurance." -- KaityKatYeah, that's a lot of hard convos in real life. 

Like, every morning, "Shawn, I love you the most. Yes, THE MOST. Forever. Yes, forever plus infinity, Shawn!"

------

ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn realizes she's done some done shit.

She sex'd it up AND told bros they were the one. She's more upset about telling bros they are the one.

Kaitlyn's heart is still open and she just wants to toast to that.

Nick gets his alone time with Kaitlyn. Nick feels SO GOOD about the week.

Kaitlyn wants to make sure that, even though the day and night was perfect, Nick ain't sex'n and telling. Nick is like, SO OFFENDED by this. Nick also lies. Nick says he didn't do anything but say he had a great time. BUT, HE DID SAY HE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE. HE TOLD EVERYONE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE.

HE DID SAY THAT.
HE DID.

From last week: Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."

Nick is crying because he is an over-confident guy. 

"Can I kiss you?" -- Nick
Yes, PLEASE." -- KaityKitty

Kaitlyn no longer has ANY concerns. 

Meanwhile, Shawn is watching that fire burn. 
I hope he's considering putting that blue tuxedo in it. 

Like, there's no way he thinks that blue tuxedo is spot-on. Not for this anyway. Maybe for some low-budget MTV awards show. Not this. 

Kaitlyn tells Shawn she regrets sneaking around and telling him secrets. 

ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT FIGHTING AND UPS AND DOWNS. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT.

Kaitlyn knows she messed everything up by talking to Shawn, because clearly, Shawn can't handle his shit. Like, he would ruin a bag of shit. Can you imagine letting him handle something other than a bag of shit?

------

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

I am supposed to believe that Shawn is not getting a rose.

Shawn gets the rose.


Ben Z. is leaving. HE JUST DOESN'T OPEN UP TO PEOPLE VERY OFTEN.

Like, who walks around and is like, "BAGGAGE! BAGGAGE FOR SALE!"

I think Ben Z. probably feels like he's dodged a bullet at this point, right? Right.

-------

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Everyone but Jerad has to ride in a giant bus called the PaddyWagon. Everyone wants to "take a road trip with someone you really like." And Jerad gets to do it.

Kaitlyn isn't a great driver and so, if they can get through they can get through anything.

The couple takes a lot of selfies an Jerad just feels like he's on a road trip with his gUrlfrand who had sex with another man 3 days ago. : (


Jerad and Kaitlyn head to the Blarney Stone and give it some kisses for luck.
Then, Jerad drops KaityKitty off at her castle, her "legit castle."


Jerard thinks they are both transparent. : (

Kaitlyn thinks she has finally made it through the day and over the hump, WHEN OMG CHRISSYPOO HARRISON KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. 

"WHAT NOW?" -- KAITLYN

Chris explains to Kaitlyn that she has basically ruined this entire process-- even without the sex. She tells Chris mostly everyone. 

"I just really regret it." -- Kaitlyn
"Oh...that's good..." -- ChrissyPoo
Give that guy a medal.

Chris lets KaityKitty know that they are switching up the order of things. Next week, everyone gets some off-camera time with her before hometowns. The playing field needs to be even, because right now a bulldozer couldn't get Kaitlyn's field out of this mess. She needs an expert road crew. Like, all the highway departments. All the "slow" road sign holders in America. 

Chris explains to the bros that Kaitlyn can't be trusted, so the rules have changed. There will be hometowns, but not until they have all had the opportunity to see her naked. What's fair, is fair. 

Shawn does NOT like this hurdle. 

-----

The Dentist and Kaitlyn head out for their one-on-one and HERE COMES THAT HELICOPTER. 

Chris seems like a sweet guy, but he's like really into holding hands and personal space. 

Now, this is one helicopter ride ABC got right. A helicopter ride over the Cliffs of Moher would be pretty insane. 

Chris thinks this could end up being the biggest day of his life. This is as close to magic as he's ever been. (Should we tell him magic isn't like, real? Or nah?)

Kaitlyn asks Chris if he wants to stay in Nashville. He picked Nashville, in part, because it's a great place to raise kids. That's something a lot of young single bros do. Right?

At this point, Kaitlyn is ready to spill the beans. She starts crying and is trying to tell Chris some stuff and be honest and then he literally spend the next 3 minutes about half-an-inch away from her face. 

Chris describes his time on the show as "joy and terror." 
Almost nailed it. 

If I'm trying to have a hard conversation with someone, I appreciate comfort, but like, I NEED YOU TO GET OUT MY GRILL, OKAY? BACK IT ON UP. 

Kaitlyn has promised herself that she is not going to lead anybody on and Chris just needs to know more. 
THE MORE IS THAT YOU NEED TO PACK YOUR SHIT UP AND LEAVE, CHRIS. Get your toothbrush, your toothpaste and that cupcake mobile and get on outta here. 


"I would much rather know now than next year or in 20 years. She deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's read to find that right now." --Chris

"She's a mess." -- Chris
NAILED IT. AND HE DON'T EVEN KNOW YET. 

I've been through some hard stuff in my life. I've watched my friends go through some really hard stuff. 

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE CRY THIS HARD IN MY LIFE. 

Ever. 

HE TOOK THAT SCARF AND USED IT LIKE A DAMN SNOT RAG. 

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 6.

We pick up where we left off in beautiful San Antonio, Texas. The Europe of Texas!

Ian is still mad. He is so over poop jokes he can't even think deep. Ian thinks Kaitlyn is a surface-level person and he needs her to be a big ole cry baby or this is it. They are not in it for the same reasons and he's ready to walk. Her blood is boiling and she is "super offended."

If you can describe yourself as "super offended" you are likely very mature and deep.

Anyway. Ian walked. Then, he got in the Suburban of Doom and talked about being "deep" about 247 times.

Then he said, "oh man, I need to have sex." : (

Nick runs to KaityKat's rescue and lets her know that he saw that Ian convo coming. He wants to be deep, but he wants to be goofy, too.

"I want to be the one person who knows you inside and out." -- Nick
That sounds like a bad Old Navy commercial. 

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

The bros head out to the Alamo (REMEMBER?) and I can only imagine how much differently that story would have turned out if Davy Crockett had these guys in his unit. Picture a giant Texas-shaped hole in the United States.

CHRISSY POO HARRISON WEARING THE MOST MACY'S LABOR DAY SPECIAL SUIT AND TIE COMBO EVER.

That one guy didn't get a rose and I think he didn't get one because Kaitlyn didn't know his name. I don't know his name either.

Then, that guy with his haircut and his Men's Wearhouse vest got sent back to welding school.

It's like all these guys loaded up in a van and hit up that 1 for 19 sale at Jos. A. Bank. Everyone but that dentist guy. He shops at the same place HIllary Clinton gets her suits.

The boys are headed to Dublin! And I can only imagine that there's a lot of dark beer in their future.

------

This is the first time Joe has been out of the country and he thinks going on a one-on-one date would be " a lot of fun."

"Kaitlyn is just a pot of gold." -- Dentist Guy
Shit. Come on, man.

"I've wanted to go to Ireland for about 10 years. It's very green." -- Dentist Guy
Oh. 

"We're in Europe right now!" -- Jerad
It's obvious these people know nothing about Ireland. 


Nick has 10 minutes to get ready for his one-on-one date.

"Luck of the Irish!" -- Nick

You would think these guys could've looked at Wikipedia on the flight over, right? Just a quick run-through of facts about Ireland? No. There's no time. Only cliches.

-----

Nick describes the park where they are-- there are families and dogs. And one sexy gUrl.

Nick and Kaitlyn can't keep their hands off of each other.

NICK WENT SHOPPING ON THE SET OF AN OLD AVRIL LAVIGNE VIDEO.

KaityKat is really scared of birds, so walking around in a park like this is basically an episode of "Fear Factor."

The cliches just keep on rolling in like a bunch of damn potatoes and Nick and Kaitlyn do an Irish jig in the street.

I'm imagining Nick choosing those green pants because he thought someone would pinch him if he didn't wear green all day. : (

Nick bought matching rings for the two of them. They're just walking down the street and then Nick threw her up against a wall and kissed her. Then, they kiss in front of a Kay's Jeweler. Then, they went to a pub and he put his hand up her shirt while ordering a whiskey.

NICK IS DRESSED LIKE HE'S IN A CREED VIDEO, IF CREED WAS STILL MAKING VIDEOS IN 2015.

Do we even address the boyz in the hotel? I mean, we all know what is happening. ABC PRODUCERS, SAVE YOUR EDITING TRICKS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. 

Nick and KaityKat head to dinner in an old church. Nick's outfit is enough to send me over the Cliffs of Moher (look it up on Wikipedia).

I feel like he beat up several 6th grade boys on the way to a school dance to piece his outfit together. Are his pants too tight to tuck his shirt in? Why wear a tie if you aren't going to tie it?

So, Kaitlyn is glad Nick has done this before (WHAT?), but she's worried everyone else is judging him for it (DUH).

Nick goes on this rant about how he's just concerned with being himself.

NOTE: Normal, decent people rarely have to give speeches about how they don't need to be liked, they just need to be true to themselves. Think about the best person you know-- they have never given you some shitty speech about "just doing me." You know why? Only shitty people have to use that excuse for their behavior. Only shitty people have to "do me."

Kaitlyn really likes Nick.

"...at the same time, I just believe in...everything." --Kaitlyn
Believing in everything is a sure-fire sign of being a deep thinker. 

So, at this point ABC has really done it. These two are going to town in an old church and finally Kaitlyn gives Nick his rose and they go at it some more.

Eventually, the two head back to her hotel where they shut the door and do things most people in their situation would do in the back of a car in a movie.  This is a family blog (just meaning-- my family reads it), so no details will be shared. There was heavy breathing. And I don't think they were lifting weights.

The next morning there is a lot of shame and maybe a bit of regret on the part of Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn says they "deserved" that time together. That's a weird word to use to describe the situation. Especially as the camera shows one of the parties involved talking to themselves expressing how bad they feel and the other is shown doing a walk of shame. If that's what your relationship deserves...WHOA.

I mean, now...Kaitlyn is talking about how she is hoping Nick won't sex and tell. She says this over and over and over and over again. Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."

Here's the deal-- adults have sex after dates all the time. Hopefully, they aren't doing it on TV, while dating several other adults at once. Usually ends poorly for most parties involved. If KaityKat thinks sexin' it up with her suitors is a good idea, she thinks it's a good idea. Not sure what else to say about it other than I HOPE HER GRANDMOTHER DOES NOT OWN A TV. I HOPE HER MOM AND DAD DISCONNECT THE INTERNETS.

AND I PRAY A CHILD DOES NOT COME OUT OF THIS HOTEL MEETING. You sure as hell know these two would name that baby Ireland and call him/her "Dubs" as a nickname for the rest of his/her life. 

------

It's time for the group date and everyone is talking about someone being dead or something.

Like a total cheese ass, ChrissyPoo Harrison meets the boyz in the street and says, "I regret to inform you that the worst has happened. Kaitlyn is dead."

You see, what he had meant to say is-- KAITLYN IS ABOUT TO BE DEAD TO YOU, BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY DID IT WITH THAT OTHER GUY LAST NIGHT. 

So, I guess this date is a fake funeral/wake. 

Listen, no one wants to attend their own funeral more than I do. 

This is weird. 

So, I fast forwarded through the coffin scenes. 

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben Z. needs KaityKat to know that today was "super hard." 

I mean, what's more hilarious than a fake funeral?! Especially for a guy who's mom died. 

Jerad gets some time with Kaitlyn and it's all "honest" and "honest." Has he been honest about his job at Denny's or did he play it up like he manages some restaurant he inherited from his billionaire grandpa?

Everyone is all "don't talk about Nick."

Shawn gets some alone time with Shawn and describes the casket as "it was funny." Now, he wants to show some pictures of his family to her!!!!!!!!!!

The producers got into his sister's Instagram account 15 minutes ago and printed off these pics for him. What a treat! What a moment!

Kaitlyn loves the photos so much she wants to keep them! 

(Weird.)

They do some kissing. 

Shawn feels really good. Very confident. He's never been more confident. 

BUMMER. 

Jerad gets the rose. 

KaityKat whisks Jerad off to a church for some alone time. 

The Cranberries are there ready to sing "Linger" for the 1,345,765 time in their life. 

In 20 years, this will Carly Rae Jepsen and a whole new generation of gUrls will feel the way I feel. 

Sad. : (

Jerad says this is Kaitlyn's FAVORITE BAND.

I AM CALLING BULLSHIT SO HARD ON THAT ONE. 

No one's favorite band is the Cranberries. It's 2015. 

Back at Guinness World Headquaters SHAWN IS FLIPPING HIS SHIT.

He has pulled his producer aside...

"Man-to-man, friend-to-friend, are you going to tell me she wants Jerad over me? Do you not know what we have? She came to my room for 6 or 7 hours and said 'you're the one. you're it.' What, she's going to get to the fantasy suite and bang two other dudes? ... Trust is the thing... I'm about to cry." -- Shawn

Shawn, woman-to-man, you signed up for this shit and she already banged a dude in a hotel room.

Shawn decided to go to Kaitlyn's hotel room because her words don't match her actions.

"She's ruining everything we have." -- Shawn

: (

THIS IS THE MOMENT IN THE SHOW THAT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

SHE THINKS HE KNOWS, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW, HE'S JUST UPSET.

SHE'S ABOUT TO SAY, "Well, what are you talking about?"

AND HE'LL BE ALL, "Wait. What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I thought you were made because I had sex with Nick."

"No, I'm mad because you said you wanted that picture of my niece and then you took Jerad for one-on-one time. WHAT."

Garry Marshall couldn't write this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 5.

I missed last week because of my 9 to 5 and I'm not even mad.

------

Am I a cool chick or an amazing woman? I don't even know. I don't think I'd care if I was labeled, but "cool woman" does sound off, so Nick has something going for his phrasing.

I love it when a man says he isn't doing something for the drama. Any man who has ever even thought that statement, much less said it out loud is about 29 steps below me. And I mean that.

I guess it's time for a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn just has to trust her heart. She really wants this to work.

JJ and KaityKitty ran the bases and then I quit paying attention for 5-7 minutes.

That one guy-- Shawn? doesn't want to say Nick's name. He's not going to lower himself to say it. Can you imagine? KaityKitty assures Shawn that Nick isn't going to take away from their relationship.

"I just hope you're smarter." -- Shawn
Zing! 

One said if he didn't get a rose it'd be like getting stabbed in the heart.
Nick compared not getting a rose to a "sting."

Clearly, someone is more invested in this situation.

Nick gets a rose. No one got stabbed.

Everyone needs a coat.

------

After the ceremony, Kaitlyn lets the group know they are going on a trip...somewhere she has ALWAYS wanted to go... San Antonio, Texas! Hot damn! Can you imagine? What's next Saint Louis? Maybe Birmingham?

Kaityln is ready for a fun date and NO MORE DRAMA (Shout out, Mary J. Blige!). She gets an old ass truck and picks up Ben H. She also says "Ben H." about 47 times.

Kaitlyn and Ben H. (BEN H.) head to Gruene Hall for some dancin'! Kaitlyn called Gruene a honky tonk, so. That's wrong.

There's an old lady there and she is wearing floral and loves dancing. They are not great dancers. They do not win.

It's time for dinner on a rooftop!

Ben H. was in a long distance relationship from the very beginning and he's not super comfortable sharing that information.

"Where did she live?"
"I'm not comfortable sharing that."
"Okay."

I'm a little confused by this conversation. He's ready, he's not ready. He hates FaceTiming?

------

GROUP DATE TIME.

A Mariachi band greets the gang and I fast forwarded. I guess everyone has to write a song. A Mariachi song?

That Ian guy is like, UP IN THIS.

How many times can we watch people write a song on this show?This is the group date challenge every third time. We're going to skip this.

-----

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn thinks the guys trust her and her decisions. : (

Joshua, the industrial welder, has set up a haircutting station for KaityKitty. Worst decision of his life. And what a weird way to spend a date.

"gUrl, I wanna show you how much I trust you. Go ahead and ruin my hair."

The guys just sit around and talk about Nick. Nick just spends his time making out with Kaitlyn. Nick is winning.

Joshua confronts Nick and starts off by saying, "this is goofy."

Now, Joshua has decided to TAKE HER TO CHURCH. (Get it?)

"He feels wrong." -- Joshua
"Everyone is lying to my face." -- Kaitlyn
"Ohhhhh, oh my goodness. Ohhhh. Uhhhhhh. Ohhhh. I don't know." -- Joshua

Kaitlyn doesn't understand what is happening. The guys know what is happening. They are mad.

Kaitlyn is ready to rumble.

Kaitlyn confronts everyone and asks them if they are being honest. They all say, "Oh, yes! Yes!" Then, KaityKitty calls out Joshua again and now everyone is mumbling.

"WHAT AM I MISSING?" -- KaityKitty

"I hope these guys aren't going to leave me out to dry here." -- Joshua
CRICKETS.

"Wait. We were just talking about how goofy this felt!" -- Joshua
Maybe use a stronger word. 

"I am not kidding around. I am looking for a husband." -- Kaitlyn
So. Nick gets the rose. 

IDK.

------

Shawn B. is ready for his one-on-one deep in the heart of Texas!

These two are going to kayak down the San Antonio river/ Riverwalk.

Kaitlyn compared it to Europe. : (

Later, the two ditch the kayaks and spend the afternoon in their bathing suits along the Riverwalk. Now, I've been to San Antonio numerous times. I have never seen anyone in a bathing suit along the Riverwalk. Maybe I was in the wrong part, but. No.

"I just want people to trust me." -- Kaitlyn
Well, don't be a friggin' idiot. 

This guy seems sweet and honest, but maybe not a scholar. You know?

So, Shawn was in a car wreck a few years ago. Luckily, he was wearing his seatbelt.  Kaitlyn gets this information and I'm sure she was just in shock, but she kind of giggled. But, to make up for the giggling she starts stroking his hair.

The music in the background makes it seems like his dad murdered his whole family and now he's just on this show. The music gets happier and they start kissing.

Shawn has really let his guard down by talking about his car wreck. I mean, no offense to those who have been in car wrecks, but talking about a car wreck is not letting your guard down. Sharing about how your grandpa kicked your dad out of the house and then your dad beat you and now you are here is more of a "letting your guard down" type of story.

I guess I'm judging a person by the cover of their "let your guard down" story.

Fireworks. Blahblahblah.

-----

So. Now, it's the Ian show.

"Women like me. I don't think that's ever been an issue for me." -- Ian
Love a humble man. 

The only person who will have a conversation with Ian is Nick. This is telling.

"I don't think something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with her." -- Ian
Oh. 

Ian just compared his impending confrontation with Kaitlyn to the last stand at the Alamo. : (


-------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS THAT DENTIST WEARING.

IF CHARTREUSE JACKET BOY WALKS IN NEXT TO A GUY IN KHAKIS AND A BLAZER, I'M ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS. A LOT. ALL OF THE QUESTIONS.

"I'm not here to play games." -- KaityKitty

"I want to toast to honesty." -- KaityKitty
Oh. Is that something you toast to?

Kaitlyn takes Jerad to her room and she must have no idea that he works at an Applebee's.

Ian's patience has run out.

Ian lists all of his accomplishments, skills and high-points.

"I am a very eligible bachelor. In this country and in this world." --Ian
Saying you're VERY ELIGIBLE basically means you are VERY SINGLE.

So, to all the men reading this: I AM A VERY ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTE.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is just kissing everyone.

Finally, Ian gets his one shot. (Can't you just hear Eminmen in the background?)

"It's difficult for me to hang around a bunch of guys making poop jokes." -- Ian
Actually, that sounds pretty shitty.

Ian explains how deep he is. He wanted to meet a really desperate sad gUrl and instead got KaityKitty. Ian thinks KaityKitty just wants to make out with boys.

"I don't question his intentions, I question your intentions. I really see you as a surface-level person. I wonder if you're really that shallow, because I don't see anything beyond the surface." -- Ian
Can you imagine a person you've barely had a conversation with say that to you?

If it looks like a duck...

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 3.

What?

Is this Kupah guy for real? Even if this guy is wasted, it's very odd behavior. And I've seen a lot of different drunk people in my life.

Kaitlyn went through many different emotions during the Kupah experience.

"I was angry and I was even more angry." -- Kaitlyn
Technically, that's one emotion.

This rose ceremony is weird and I think these producers have reached the end of all the television ideas based on the first 5 minutes alone.

-----

It's group date time and the boys are going to do some sumo wrestling.

Seriously?

I'm not a busy person, like, I'm busy, but I have free-time. However, I do not have time for this. No one does.

Any group date that features this many blurred out butts is pretty bad. Kaitlyn thinks they are sexy.

Some of the little tiny men try to wrestle the real sumo wrestlers and it's like watching Michael Jordan play my dad in basketball.

Tony gives it a shot and fah-reaks out. He walks and Kaitlyn follows. He doesn't like showing aggression, he wants to do something peaceful and loving.

"I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy." -- Tony
Honestly? Terrible combination. 

Tony just wants to have a date with non-violence. He wants to connect in other ways.

"Can we not just take a boat ride?" -- Tony

JJ decides to join the convo as he drinks his beer out of a tall stemless wine glass.

Can we get a breakdown on these guys' tattoos? Every one of them has a weird shoulder tattoo.

Kaitlyn realizing that Tony is experiencing real emotions and knows that she offended him, BUT HE OFFENDED HER. SO, BITCH DON'T PLAY.

Old Spice Guy takes Tony away and Kaitlyn joins them.

"I have worked very hard on advancing my emotions and I can't revert back to my primal instincts." -- Tony
He sounds like a dinosaur. 

Kaitlyn tells Tony to hit the showers.

"I want to show you the inside of me." -- Tony
I think he means that literally. Like, he wants to show her his insides.

Kaitlyn has arranged an "exhibition" for the boys to wrestle each. I don't think she knows what an exhibition is.

The boys arrive at the exhibition on bikes while wearing robes.

I sincerely hope these people in attendance did NOT pay to watch this. Right? Explain that to your accountant.

Kaitlyn puts on one of the diapers and "wrestles" the 400-pound guy. He picks her up and slings her around a bit. PEOPLE ARE LOVE'N THIS AND I WONDER IF THEY HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR FAMILY THAT CARE ABOUT THEM. Or, maybe they were served a lot of free alcohol.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME.

Tony meets up with Kaitlyn and tells her he can NO LONGER PARTICIPATE IN THIS CIRCUS.

Amen, Tony! I mean...he is kind of right. These dates don't really allow anyone to get to know anyone. And it's kind of a farce.

"If you want to see what is inside of my heart, I am easily found." -- Tony
Do you think he just means he's on Facebook?

Clint decides to play hard to get and tells JJ he's going to hang back a bit. JJ says, "I don't think you should do that." Clint says it's her move. Terrible tactics there, son.

At one point, Kaitlyn sat down on the couch in Clint's arm crevice and he totally turned his face away from her and smirked.

THIS IS WHERE THE PRODUCERS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US THINK THAT HE IS GAY AND IN LOVE WITH JJ.

Sean B. gets about 12 seconds with KaityKat, plants a kiss on her and lands the rose.

This is exhausting.

------

ChrissyPoo invites KaityKat and Ben Z. on a date.

The two arrive at a warehouse, where ChrissyPoo meets them and tells them there's a code to get out. The basement is actually a dark room filled with fake blood, fake throw-up, maggots and various serpents. The bedroom decor reminds me of "13 Going on 30," but that could be because it was just on E! this weekend like, 6 times. IDK.

They have 45 minutes to figure out clues and get out OR THEY WILL DIE IN THIS GAS CHAMBER.

KaityKat freaks out over a bird and it's all shit from there.

At one point, they kiss.

DO NOT WORRY-- ABC DID NOT KILL THESE TWO IN A GAS CHAMBER.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. GAS CHAMBERS ARE HILARIOUS.
The Holocaust was over 70 years ago and fake gas chambers on dating shows are still not acceptable.

KaityKat ordered some pizza for Ben Z. and invited him over to her place.

Ben Z. thinks it means they have chemistry and forgot that ABC is in charge and they told her to invite him over for pizza.

Kaitlyn asks Ben Z. if he's afraid of snakes, he says no, so then she asks if he wants kids.

"I think I'm an emotional guy. I'm a real emotional guy, but it's all in here [points at head]." -- Ben Z. 
Where else do emotions live, Ben Z.?

This is kind of a weird story, but Ben Z. says he didn't cry the day his mom died and it's the only regret he has in life and he hasn't cried in 11 years. KAITYKAT, YOU BETTER RUN. RUN FAST.

A man that is clearly afraid of snakes, lies to your face about it and then says he didn't cry the day his mom died, needs a shit ton of therapy.

The two of them hit the hot tub and Ben Z. has a terrible shoulder tattoo. It looks like some kind of Spanish flag with warrior wings on it. Do warriors have wings?

Ben Z. gets the rose.

-------

It is time for the group date and KaityKat and this group of BroDudes are going to teach Sex-Ed at an elementary school. Approximately 19 seconds in, I hoped and prayed these children were child actors.

They were child actors. This was ridiculous.

Back at the house, JJ and Clint are CUDDLE BUGGIN' and playing in the pool. They talk about some sort of shower they supposedly took together and ABC is runnin' the Bullshit Express right now. All aboard.

Back at the school, these guys haven't even considered that no 8-year-old would ever ask a stranger these questions. You know how gUrls are always saying, "I can't." Well, I can't.

-----

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME.

Joshua sits Kaity down and tells her that he was really shy in high school.

If you have 5-10 minutes alone with a gUrl and you're fighting for this chick's attention amongst a dozen other suitors-- don't talk about high school. (THAT'S FREE ADVICE, Y'ALL.)

That other Ben takes Kaitlyn to the top of a building and calls her "girlfriend." That was quick, because I didn't know who he was until 4 minutes ago.

We head back to the hot tub with Clint and JJ where they are talking about how much they love turtles. 

Kaitlyn finally gets some time with that guy who manages an Applebee's and she thinks his black eye is really hot.

Kaitlyn thinks "everything" Jerad does makes him sexy. Am I even a gUrl? I don't see it. I mean, he doesn't seem terrible, but sexy and stuff? IDK. IDK.

Ben H. gets the rose, because expectations.

I have such low expectations for everyone on this show.

Jerad is very upset.

------

ROSE CEREMONY PRE-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

KaityKat gives a weird speech about husbands and friction.

This Clint-JJ thing is absolutely absurd.

Clint steals Kaitlyn away and apologizes for the way he has been acting, BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE IS SAYING ALL OF THIS TO GET MORE TIME IN THE HOUSE WITH HIS NEW LOVE, JJ.

ABC, YOU HAVE FOOLED ME. I TOTALLY THINK CLINT IS IN LOVE WITH JJ.

Clint tells JJ he's cute and has a great jawline.

OH MY GOSH. THIS IS SO BELIEVABLE.


I wish I was at an Applebee's right now.

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 2.

So, Kaitlyn apologizes to no one for nothing and that house is stocked with a lot of vegetables and a lot of fruit. That being said, I missed about 27 minutes of the show because of severe weather. I was kind of hoping the cable would just completely go out, but it didn't.

I joined the show about the time Kaitlyn was "genuinely concerned" about Jerad. I tried to join right in, but some guy started crying when he talked about his mom cooking all the meals, so I just skipped it all.

-----

Kaitlyn takes Clint on a date in her late '80s Mercedes. I think it's supposed to be vintage, but I don't know much about vintage things.

Apparently, underwater photo shoots are "all the rage," so that is what is happening today.

"Hopefully, we'll have a good connection." -- Clint
Because, there's no better place to chat and get to know someone than underwater. 

Back at the house we learned what love is about and what love isn't about. It's not about beating someone's ass, but it is about discussion.

Kaitlyn's biggest struggle during the photo shoot is not being able to plug her nose. Can you imagine being underwater and not being able to plug your nose? How hard is life?

"That was different because I've never had a first kiss underwater." -- Kaitlyn
Oh.

At the end of the day, Kaitlyn is just looking for a best friend to make out underwater with. And guess what? That's what Clint is looking for, too.

"You're exactly what I'm looking for." -- Kaitlyn
Strong. 

-----

Kaitlyn takes the guys on a group date to an improv show/club where Amy Schumer is waiting.

Amy has the guys tell the best joke they know and they are all jokes a child would tell during an elementary school lunch.

Image Source: ABC Press 

Everyone is focusing on that dentist's shirt. It is a weird color.

JJ, the former investor banker, is super into this date. Also, we learn that he is divorced with a child and lives with his parents.

That's why he is carrying that title around. His mom told him to tell everyone that.

The dentist is really nervous and his jokes sucked, so he just unbuttoned his shirt. Kaitlyn called it "endearing."

Finally, it is Tony's turn. He's so excited he could gag.
First time I've ever heard that one.

Tony starts his set off by giving a speech about thankfulness and gratitude. He never told a joke.

JJ's set must have killed it, because we got to see one joke.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!

"I'm a love virgin." -- Welder
No. 

JJ wants to know if everyone is still interested in winning over Kaitlyn's heart and Tony let him know, that yes, he is.

Then, we learn that Tony was into Britt, but now Kaitlyn has figured out the combination to his heart.

Kaitlyn is very attracted to a man with a child. Clearly, JJ did not lead with the pickup line about living with his parents and being divorced. She was so into him that after he kissed her, she said, "thank you for doing that."

Joe took Kaitlyn outside and just kissed her. They didn't talk at all.

JJ got the rose.


------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kaitlyn feels #soblessed to be in that room with her future husband.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn outside and DEM BOYZ are MAD. Mad. Mad. He is not there to make friends. FORMER INVESTMENT BANKERS DON'T PLAY.

Why is JJ the only guy walking around drinking red wine? That concerns me more than anything.

What is an executive recruiter? Maybe JJ should give the Old Spice guy his resume?

Ian compares his experience in the hospital and maybe not being able to run/walk again to... this.
He thinks being on a reality TV show to a lot like being in a coma.

I've never been in a coma or on a reality TV show, but I don't see it. IDK. IDK.

Everyone hates JJ. He wants to say he's sorry, but he's not sorry.

Tony is the most upset. He thinks "basic respect" has been manipulated. Good luck to Tony in life. Forever.

Kupah (not the guy from Mario Bros.) doesn't want to be there any longer than he has to be. He knows he could be filling a minority quota. Too soon, Kupah. Too soon. This show has been on for 13 years or something-- you can't bring that up now. Then, the conversation got weird and Kaitlyn and Kupah spent the whole time accusing/asking the other, "do you SEE me?"

If someone asked me, "do you SEE me?" I would take them very literally.

Kaitlyn does NOT see him anymore. She did see him, but now she does not see him.
She saw when they talked about music and before this, but now she cannot see him.

Kaitlyn has lost her eyesight.
She can hear everything he is saying, but she just needs some time now.

YOU DON'T QUESTION THE BACHELORETTE.

WHOA. WHO IS THIS REALTOR WITH THE GLASSES?

Kupah goes back to the group to replay his conversation and Kaitlyn hears every word he says, so she calls him out and asks him to leave right there. gUrl don't play.

"That's pretty shitty." -- Kupah
"Yeah, it is." -- Kaitlyn

"I don't want to go home." -- Kupah
This is getting bad. 

"I think you're hot." -- Kupah

Kupah is just chugging his drink and trying to fight. This is the worst breakup I have ever seen on this show.

Kupah questions the producers and just wants to GO HOME, DUDE.
He's yelling and Kaitlyn ain't PLAY'N.

And that was that.

the bachelorette :: epi 1 : two for the price of one.

Oh, thank goodness. The world is still wrapped up in what surely has to be God's least favorite time of the week.

So, this season of the "The Bachelorette" presents us with two women and 25 men who must choose between the two women. TWIST. We start the season for a 4-hour recap of the two gUrls' lives from birth to present.

gUrl1: Britt
She that makeup gUrl from the last season.

gUrl2: Kaitlyn
She that gUrl with jokes.

Since we have another 2 hours of this debacle of debauchery, this will be a quick breakdown.

-----

THE GUYS

Jonathan-- he works in the "extremely fun" automotive industry. Maybe that's why the whole city of Detroit is in the shitter-- everyone thinks manufacturing cars is "extremely fun." Also, this guy said he had a son and now he has a constant companion and friend and someone to have his back at all times. He said this about a child. I mean, I feel you, J... at this point, I want to have children because I honestly don't know who is going to take care of me when I'm 80. There won't be anybody to take my keys away from me, so I'll just be driving myself around with poor eyesight and slow reactionary timing.

Stripper-- His mom must feel so confused. "This is my son, the aspiring lawyer who would love for you to touch his chest."

Welder in Idaho-- Keep moving.

Restaurant Manager-- His pickup line has to be, "You know that Applebee's on the interstate outside of Bowling Green-- that's me!" What is this LoveMan thing? His dog wears a cape. Everything is sad.

Meditation Guy-- The further he drifts away in his mind the closer he gets to where he wants to be. I hope he never drifts my way. Also, he kissed his plants.

-----

So, the guys start arriving and I have to imagine that it's a terrible feeling to compete for attention like that. I used to tell my prettiest friends they weren't allowed to talk at certain events because I didn't want guys to like them more. (A tactic that has really worked for me, ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The more I watch the more I want Hillary Clinton to be president.

The stripper arrives and I mean. How does that happen? How does anyone think that is okay? In all seriousness, would they ever let a female stripper on the show? If so, would she be able to do that to a guy?

That one guy is trolling Britt so hard with the Kleenex.
Zing!!!!!!!

g2 wants to be the bachelorette, so she ran inside.
g1 "needs" to be the bachelorette.

I think one of those plants must have punched that meditation guy.

The guys are inside debating who they like more. One time, in 8th grade I had my best friend call this guy I liked and he didn't know I was on the line and she asked him if he liked me. He was sweet about it, but he still said NO WAY IN HELL. That's what this feels like.

That one guy is wasted. I've been a lot of places in my life and even in the worst of those places, that guy is the worst.

"I want to take both of them out for a nice steak dinner and never call them again." -- Drunk Guy
I'm into that. 

So, the guy with the hot tub car pulls up.

From an engineering perspective, I have so many questions. Does it meet government safety standards? Are there seat belts?

So, somewhere in California there is a 22-year-old production assistant who excitedly told his mother he got a job on a TV show. Then, he was the one who had to drive that hot tub car off-camera and all of his dreams died. He went back to school and got a business degree.

-----

The party finally starts and BORED.

The drunk guy got grabby and Chris Harrison put him in an all-white Larry van and that was that.

Side note: if you're a former investment banker, you're not an investment banker. You don't get to carry the title with you.

A former anything is a current unemployed something.

"You have a sponsor child." -- Guy
"Yes! It's my everything." -- g1
Confession-- I quit my sponsor child once. She just wasn't pulling her weight, you know. I'm kidding. Sorry, Patricia. 

So, if you're an amateur sex coach that means you're a sex coach for free. Which means you're actually just a guy handing out unsolicited sex advice.

Conclusion: amateur sex coach is honestly the saddest thing I have ever thought could happen to a person. Ever.

Follow-up conclusion: I'm sure there are people out there who need sex advice. Some of those people might even pay for it. But, would they pay a guy who drives a hot tub car for it? No.

Sad. Sad. Sad. I'd rather watch the evening news (because what's more depressing?) than think about this guy's life plan for one more second.

the bahelor :: chris : finale.

I have lost sleep over thinking I might see someone I know in that live studio audience watching the show with ChrissyPoo. Night sweats.

-----

Chris is back in Iowa walking through a snow covered corn field in $300 shoes. It's what farmers do. He's "dating" two "awesome" women and the decision he's making "could" change his life.

1. You aren't dating anyone.
2. I just realized I don't ever want a man to only describe me as "awesome."
3. Could. 

Chris meets up with his fam and he has an inordinate amount of nieces and nephews. Whitney is coming to the farm first and they make her walk the entire corn field before coming inside.

Whitney walks right in and says, "we made a baby!" Because that joke still kills.
(It doesn't. I'm lying.)

The family sits down to dinner and Whitney tells everyone she's been stalking Chris since she watched him on the show that one time. He is listening AND desperately trying to get something out of his teeth. He's also drinking whiskey out of a wine glass.

Sista1 asks Whitney if she could move to Iowa.

Whitney thinks they asked, "are you ready to be a wife? are you ready to have kids?"
Because all she said back was, "I'm ready to be a wife and have kids."

"I can't wait to call someone 'mom' and 'dad' again." -- Whitney
Listen. I know. Terrible. Sad.
ALSO. TOO MUCH.

Whitney thinks the Sistas are "pulling" for her.

Now, the Sistas sit down with BrotherBear Chris and WHY DON'T ANY OF THEM LOOK ALIKE?

Sista2 asks, "what is the difference between the two women?"

Chris mumbles his way through an answer and says Becca will "charm" the pants off of you and stops in the middle of at least 6 sentences.

"YOU CAME TO FIND A WIFE. YOU DIDN'T COME TO FIND A gUrlfriend." -- Sista2

Whitney sits down with MamaBear and starts laying it on THICK.

"I lost my mom 10 years ago. I've been waiting to call someone 'mom'." -- Whitney
Hey. Can you just check yourself?

Does anybody know anyone who calls their in-laws 'mom' or 'dad'?
I think that's not a thing.
(Everyone imagine their BIL or SIL doing it...right?)

MamaBear is super impressed and couldn't ask for more. She does finally say, "It's not my decision to make."

Whitney has to leave, but before she does...

"DON'T YOU DARE FORGET HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU." -- Whitney
Translation: I will burn this mother down if you don't pick me. 

Right now, I'm picturing the "Dateline" episode that could come of this.

Chris heads out to the toolshed (literally, tools everywhere) with his bros and dad to throw Becca under the bus.

How do these people listen to him?
He just stops talking in the middle of every other sentence he says.

"It sounds like she's playing her cards closer to the chest." -- Brother, on Becca
No. It sounds like she didn't realize moving to Iowa was really gonna have to happen. 

Brother then describes Becca as "the girl at the bar no one can talk to," before Chris finally tells them they need to meet her first.

------

It feels like Whitney probably didn't go back to town and she's just hiding out in that barn for a few days. She's come this far and she's not going to lose him now.

Chris' family says it's hard to meet a second gUrl. THEY ARE SO OPEN-MINDED thinking about about much they like Whitney.

"Have you and Becca talked about Iowa?" -- MamaBear
Translation: has she come to the conclusion that you have no transferable skills and this is it?

Chris goes on the long walk to pick Becca up at the end of the driveway. She brought some treats. Probably all the way from San Diego because there are no bakeries in Iowa.

Is that a new Sista?

"I'm so glad he got to see where I came from." -- Becca
Translation: No one in Iowa believes that people live in Shreveport. 

The fam sits down to dinner and Becca says "downtown" and the whole entire family shit their pants with laughter.

No one gets to finish eating before the Sistas drag Becca away.

That Sista3 with the Pink! haircut is over this.

Becca calls Whitney out by saying, "If I'm not totally there, but Whitney is ready to have babies, does that mean this has to end?" Then, she says, "long-distance."

Becca does says she's not moving until she's sure, no matter the location.
Sista1 is NOT accepting this answer.

"We've seen a California gUrl not want to come to Iowa before." -- Sista1
Just one?

Now, it's time for Chris to take the hot-seat with the Sistas.

Where do you think Sista1 got those ripped jeans? Homemade?

Sista1 is like, "you can't get into a long-distance relationship, you need to push her." I think she's thinking very LITERALLY, because there are no roads to even get to his house in Iowa.

MamaBear is trying to have an open-mind.

"I really didn't think anyone could compare to Whitney, but..." -- MamaBear

"You're someone special, but we also have logistics." -- MamaBear

MamaBear throws down the hammer and tells Becca she has two days to decide what is going to happen. Becca says she's not in love. She says her fear is that "Whitney is ready to move and have kids."

DID WHITNEY JUST SIT AROUND ALL SEASON AND ONLY SAY THAT?
Becca has said that just as much as Whitney.

MamaBear says, "it's up to you."

Then, she starts telling Becca to "take chances."

This G don't even know-- Becca got ice in her veins.
ICE.

Becca is in the final two comin' to the family's house, walking through the damn snow and saying out loud, "I'm not in love yet."

All in all, Becca is saying, "I DID NOT LEAVE SHREVEPORT FOR THIS."

If a town isn't even an equal-lateral move from Shreveport (so like, Texarkana), the place must be bad.

Gary/Dad sits down and does this coy little interview and smirks at the camera the whole time and is all, "Tee hee, Chris wants Becca, but THAT WHITNEY AIN'T ABOUT TO GIVE UP NOW."

-----

Chris heads to the "hotel." The nearest hotel is 74.3 miles away.



At this point, the most difficult conversation I have ever heard begins.

Chris: Focus. Focus. Focus. Can you be with me, in this place? What do you see in 5 years?
Becca: I feel all the emotions. I can't make any promises. I don't have a timeline.
Chris: No promises?
Becca: I don't know. My answers aren't clear.
Chris: No, that's not not clear.

CLEAR AS MUD.

Becca: I want a family.
Chris: Becca, you just telling me...
Becca: You said 5 YEARS!
Chris: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Becca: I WANT TO GET MARRIED, I WANT TO HAVE KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHEN I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

Ladies, is she the only honest woman in the entire world?
A man is sitting in front of her saying, "JUST SAY IT AND YOU GET A RING."

AND ALL SHE CAN SAY IS, "I LIKE YOU ENOUGH TO FLY BACK TO IOWA AT LEAST ONCE TO GIVE THIS A SHOT."

"All I need you to say is that you're willing make this work." --Chris
"I want it to work." -- Becca

She's not budging. There are steps in her head.

"What are the steps?" -- Chris
"I don't know! I don't know, I've never been here before! I don't know! I'm sorry!" -- Becca
"I'm just asking a question. I'm just asking." -- Chris

"I'm just pushing you." -- Chris
"I need to be pushed." -- Becca

"If we fell in love, what would hold you back... we fell in love... you gotta be honest with me at this point... don't hold back." -- Chris 

"I guess, just figuring out when I get to Arlington what I would do there." -- Becca

"Like, career things?" -- Chris
"Uh... I mean, what happens if I get there and it's not..." -- Becca

Becca, do you mean-- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS IF YOU MOVE TO IOWA AFTER DATING A GUY FOR 6 WEEKS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY HIM?

At the end of all of this, Chris says, "Those weren't the answers I was looking for, but it's still pretty awesome, because I want the same things as her."

Chris. What.

"It's a weird situation." -- Chris

In summation, closed-captioning nailed it.

------

So, now, Chris gets another day with Whitney at his house? I am so confused.

Whitney says she can't believe she's at the end of this.

Chris decides to take Whitney to "harvest the corn."

"Then, what do you do with it?" -- Whitney
She's serious. 

Whitney thinks that seeing him on his farm is sealing the deal.
No, baby gUrl, this is your last chance to RUN.

Chris takes Whitney back to his house. He says it's not decorated because he was waiting on a wife to decorate it. I think it's because Pottery Barn doesn't deliver out there.

Why does he have a tile room like that?
Tile rooms are for the beach and should be smaller.

They cuddle up next to the fire in the middle of the day and Chris calls the week a "real experience."

I think he's saying, "so, during the day, I'll be on the tractor and you can just sit by the fire and drink wine anytime after lunch. Before lunch you can just wash some towels or read."

It's nighttime now and they are back at that hotel. Is Becca still there?

They walk into that hotel and she has a framed photo of the two of them next to the door. Chris likes it. She says she carries it everywhere.

Chris lives in such a small town, with so few people, he doesn't recognize what a stalker would look like or do.

"It is small. If you want to go to a different place where more people are, you just go there." -- Chris
How he feels about living in a small town. 
That's perspective. 

"I love being domestic." -- Whitney
This chick invented the damn game.

"There are some things that are unspoken, that I can't verbalize." -- Whitney
THAT IS A BOLD-FACE LIE.
This G has never met a word she didn't say out loud. 

"I feel like when you say things, I can finish your sentence." -- Whitney
Because he's never finished a full sentence in his life.

Whitney talked and talked for about 19 minutes. She didn't really say anything with a lot of depth, she just said a lot. When she finally finished and Chris had a chance to get a word in...

"What you just said is something that I reciprocate." -- Chris
Shut this shit down.


-----

It's finally time.

Neil Lane has found a flight to Iowa and brings some rings for Chris to look at.
At this point, you have to admire Neil's commitment to being famous and making this happen.
I can't really remember, but I'm pretty sure they got Harry Winston the first few seasons.

Chris gets dressed and heads back to the farm.

I CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE WHAT ABC DID TO THIS BARN.

The PA that got to decorate this barn was able to fulfill at least, AT LEAST, 200,000 Pinterest boards' dream of dreams.

If I didn't know better I would say Pinterest sponsored this whole evening.

HOW MANY NEW PINTEREST BOARDS WERE CREATED LAST NIGHT WHILE WATCHING THIS?

HOW MANY DUDES WITH BARNS WOKE UP WITH THEIR WIFE TALKING ABOUT "RE-DOING THE BARN"?

There were hay bales (fresh ones), an old truck, old truck parts, multiple tractors, candles (all up in that hay, because, you gotta take a risk, right?), corn stalks, old milk jugs, POTTERY BARN POTS, old lanterns, buckets, candelabras, chandeliers AND MORE.

Becca is wearing a Juicy Couture velour dress?

Chris launches into his spiel.

"I just don't think you're ready." -- Chris

THEN.

"You are going to be an incredible husband, you're an amazing person." -- Becca

IT'S LIKE SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM.

ICE. IN. HER. VEINS.

This chick is like, "AIRPORT, PLEASE."

Becca would rather move back to Shreveport and live with her parents than even attempt to live in Iowa.

No, Becca would rather move back to Shreveport and live with her parents than even pretend like she would want to live there.

No, Becca would rather do ANYTHING than even almost say she could move there.

-----

Here comes Whitney!

As she is driving in, she's imagining burning the whole damn state down if she doesn't get a ring in the next 9 minutes.

Or.

She's picturing all the unicorns she's going to buy and put inside of that fence. Screw brown horses!

(TIME OUT. THAT IS A NEW FENCE. THERE'S NO WAY THAT IS A REAL FENCE THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. RIGHT?)

Whitney makes her way into that barn and I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO PROPOSE.
ONCE AGAIN, SHE JUST COULDN'T DESCRIBE IT AND SO MANY THINGS ARE UNSPOKEN.

Seriously. It was 14 minutes before Chris got to say anything.

Anyway. He finally got to propose after saying "perfect" a whole bunch. And "amazing."

And the giggles. THE GIGGLES.

Then, they took a seat up in the barn's loft and looked out over the land.

I turned it off, because I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.