Tuesday, July 29, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : the finale.

Remember how they said this was live? LIVE, like we're watching Andi float around on a boat in the moment. OR like some assholes are in a studio somewhere watching this play out like the rest of us in our homes?

Not live, ABC.
Not live.

Then, they told me it's the dramatic ending I won't see coming.
ABC is full of shit.


Nick loves a three-quarter sleeve shirt. Nick a middle-aged woman who is worried about his arms.

Everyone is mad at Nick for being nervous.

Nick really wanted her mom to know how he feels. Andi's mom wants Nick to know that she is a lawyer and has a job. A job that is so important to her that she left it to go on this show.

"He can see my entire soul. He makes me me feel like a woman." -- Andi, to her sister
"Uh-uh. Yeah." -- Sister

Nick sits down with Dad.

"I feel the exact way about Andi that you do." -- Dad


Josh rolls up and he's "so nervous" to meet "you guys."

Everyone is just staring at Josh and you know what-- I think they're stereotyping him. And Josh hates being stereotyped. Andi's sister wants her to branch out. Andi thinks he's different and thinks he's stepped up.

I think I went to high school with Andi's brother-in-law. Can anyone confirm?

Andi's sister is trying to "grill" Josh, but she's just like, "So, you like her?" // "So, you've liked her for a few weeks?"

Dad pulls Josh aside.

"I'm ready. I've been ready for quite awhile." --Josh
"Is this a camp romance?" -- Dad

"It hasn't been all roses. We've had TOUGH conversations." -- Josh

Josh gets the blessing.



They goin' on a boat! Flippy-floppies!

"You like nice, baby." -- Josh
After all these years, that's the worst thing I've ever heard on this show. 

Josh probably had so much fun in Urban Outfitters picking out that tank.

They are very loud kissers. Very loud.

"I'm ready to write that final chapter. And write another chapter." -- Josh
Oh, sweetie. He almost had it!

Andi just asked Josh straight up, "how was that asking for a blessing?"
In my experience, the gUrl doesn't really ask that.


"The future is very bright for us." -- Josh
Precious angel only knows cliches. 

Josh keeps talking about this "connection" he has with Andi, but IDK. I. DK.

"Love means everything to me. I love my family to death." -- Josh
: /



Josh called it the "last date," because I don't think he understands anything. At all.

"There's no questions or answers that will change how I feel. RIGHT NOW." -- Josh

OH. I just noticed Josh's pink pants. He's the type of guy that is boisterous enough to not ever need to wear pink pants. He's not a pink pants type of guy.

"I really am #blessed." -- Josh

This guy made her a baseball card. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.



Riding in a Jeep with the top off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick looks very scared driving that thing on a dirt road. He probably drives a Mitsbushi Eclipse.

Andi is taking Nick to a VERY PRIVATE, SECRET lagoon. So private that no one could've possibly gotten a bottle of white wine out there.

Nick tells Andi that he made her mom cry-- IN THE GOOD WAY.

Nick wants Andi to know that he told her dad "they'd figure it out."

"It makes me feel things very deeply... it makes me feel sexy." -- Andi
She's officially felt all the feelings. 

Nick has 4 times the amount of clothes on that Andi does. He's got his three-quarter sleeve baseball tee on and her shirt is missing its entire back.

What store out there is still selling baseball tees? Like, multiple, fashion ones? I had one in middle school. And then I know Abercrombie sold them for a while. OMG. What if he stocked up on baseball tees at Abercrombie before this all started?

Nick wants to ramble. Andi wants him to ramble. I kind of want them to drown.

Andi told Nick to turn his brain off. He's starting to remind me of a sociopath.

"It's going to be all right." -- Andi
She's so comforting, y'all. 

"She's so reassuring." -- Nick

Nick just needs to write a book of poetry or something. He needs to get these feelings out without the rest of us having to suffer through this.

"I can't wait to go grocery shopping with you." -- Nick
"What would we buy?" -- Andi

THEN. The rundown of the day started.

"Leave for work at 645-7. Probably text you 'I love you' a few times, call you, maybe get some lunch. Leave for home by 530-545, maybe go to the gym together. Cook some dinner, cuddle up, watch a movie. Makeout-ISH." -- Nick

He bought her a necklace made out of sand or something?


Everyone is looking out over the water, JUST THINKING.

Nick has moved on to a wearing a tablecloth.

Josh sits down with Neil Lane. HE'S NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT RINGS BEFORE.

Andi heads on over to Nick's hotel room and the doomsday music is playing. She's either going to murder him (my vote!) or dump his ass.

Anybody who starts a serious conversation with "I don't know..." should not be allowed to have conversations with other adults. Clearly, she DOES know. She's lost all authority.

"I woke up like, the feeling is not right. It's not right. It's not what I envisioned. It's not right. Today is not right." -- Andi
So, Nick, today is going to go in your favor, because IT IS NOT RIGHT. 

"A life with you would be overanalyzing every single moment." -- Andi

Nick is not taking this well. He said a cuss word. He WAS excited. He WAS confident. He's crying.

"I feel like you took it too far." -- Nick
Never heard anyone say that before on this show. 
I wonder if Andi feels like she's breaking up with another gUrl?

And just like that, SHE GONE.
: (



Somehow, they both ended up in a van. Not just Nick.

Nick can't even talk. Which, is fine with me. I can't even listen to him anymore. Ever.

He is very upset.


So, if this is supposed to be dramatic-- it's not.
She dumped a guy before he could even get down on one knee. It's the best when they drop to a knee and the gUrl is all, "Please get up...don't do that." Not tonight, folks. Not tonight.

Josh is crying to the camera just talking about proposing. That's kind of sweet in the way that I don't give a shit.

"When I decided to give up my first love, baseball, a big reason why is because I knew a greater love existed somewhere. I knew that in order to complete my life, to complete me, I needed to find that love. ... The kind of love that people sing about in songs... and then I found you.... Andi, you are the answer to all of my prayers, you are the woman I never thought existed.... That smile makes me feel like I can do anything in the world....When I look into your eyes I see so much beauty, so much passion, I see a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with." --- Josh

"It's crazy, all of this...definitely been a journey, you know? A journey. So many ups and downs, twists and turns...it has been a struggle, a challenge. The truth is that from the first time I met you I was scared...it has taken a lot, a lot of thought for me to get here... I know that feeling...I know that feeling is LOVE. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. I'm madly in love with you. YOU'RE IT. You're the one!" -- Andi

He proposed. She said yes.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : epi 9.

Almost Paradise, knockin' on heaven's door.
PSYCH. Just another sexy three-day date epi from hell.

There was a 13-minute recap and the thing that made me the most mad was when Andi went to the beach with nothing but a towel. Like, she didn't have water, a book--NOTHING.

Then, that commercial with BachieDes came on to talk about her wedding day hair and she told the guy she wanted something, "loose and romantic." NOT A CATEGORY.


Andi feels like she's on Cloud 9 in that helicopter with Nick, because she's in the clouds. So, the analogy was spot-on. Way to use your words, gUrl.

I feel like I've seen this 100 times. I'm skipping to the part where they maybe talk.

I'm not mad at those pants or that shirt, but I'm mad that he's wearing them together.

Nick spends the first 14 minutes of dinner scratching his ankle.

"I have a childlike sense of wonder." -- Nick
That explains the pants. 

It's revealed that Nick spent some of his off time writing a fantasy children's book. Andi thought it was romantic. But, it's a children's book.

Nick is having a hard time actually SAYING, "I love you." I'm having a hard time hearing him bitch about saying it for the last 6 epis.

Nick invites himself into the "magical fantasy suite," before Andi can even get out the card. I have a feeling Andi is most looking forward to the fantasy suites. All of them.

Nick is most excited to "talk Andi's ear off for the entire night." I think we all know that is an innuendo.

Is Nick bow-legged or are his legs like, chaffed or something?

Nick posts up against a tree and tells Andi what he loves about her. It's kind of sweet. Then, he FINALLY, says, "I love you."

They get after it up against that tree, so I'm sure they'll just spend the rest of the evening talking like school gUrls!!!!!!!!!!!


It's time for the date with Josh!!!!!!!

To date, Josh and Andi have told each other 4 or 5 things. They know they both live in Atlanta and Andi's dad is a Georgia fan. Andi knows Josh played "professional" baseball and has a dog. Josh knows Andi is a lawyer. Other than that, they don't share a lot of information.

"When I'm with Josh I feel dumb and vibrant." -- Andi
OOPZ. She said, "young" not dumb.

Josh and Andi dance in the street and then find a bunch of kids playing baseball, so they play.

Josh is dressed like he's going to a business meeting and not a date on an island or where ever the hell they are.

Now, instead of talking about real things, Josh is just talking about how not cocky he is.

Andi tells Josh she took him to play baseball because she wanted him to have happy memories.

Then, Josh tells Andi he will be a GREAT dad, a GREAT dad. Something, something.

Josh says, "I love  you and you know the next person I tell 'I love you,' I want to spend the rest of my life with." He's also convinced that the two of them have already had a pretty tough relationship, but Andi isn't interested in hearing any of that. JUST KISSING. VERY LOUD KISSING.

Josh is obsessed with being pigeon-holed into being an athlete.

"I love being happy." -- Josh
That's a new one. Someone write that one down.

Andi wants to feel young and vibrant, but she appreciates Josh's maturity and appreciates his feelings.

Andi happens to find a note from ChrissyPoo. He says they can spend the night together in a room built for two along the seashore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, Josh wants to spend the night with Andi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that all of these people still try to reason their way through these fantasy suite cards. Like, I'm an adult. I know what happens in that hotel room. And you aren't just staying up talking all night.


Making out in the mini pool. Straddling.
Hoodie sans shirt.

All of those pool scenes remind me of a bad music video.

And then, that hoodie.


Listen, we know Chris ain't the one. She is not going to move to Iowa and live on a farm.
I cannot afford to give him any of my time. It's just too valuable.

They rode horses.

Chris asks her straight up about Iowa. Andi says it's a struggle.

The music is so sad.

Chris really is in love with her.
She starts crying.


Andi is trying to feel the things he's feelings.
It's not Iowa, well part of it is Iowa. She just doesn't see the foundation of "us."
No idea what that means.

Andi is kicking this guy off right now.
Poor sweet farmer boy.
He's headed back to that tractor.

"Blame it on Iowa!" -- Andi
I think she's just coined my new favorite phrase.

Chris is incredibly disappointed.

He's really nice to her about this, which is I respect. She did the right thing and didn't spend the night with him and all that jazz. Is there jazz in Iowa or do you have to drive to Chicago or something for that?

Chris says he didn't see that coming, but he's a farmer in Iowa and she's a lawyer in Atlanta who's never even been to Iowa. Did you really think this was going to end well for you, sir?

"I want to find someone who is excited to be around me everyday." -- Chris
I mean, yeah. 

And then I quit watching.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : epi 8.

Once upon a time, a seemingly smart, well-rounded gUrl went on a television show and ended up "in four places at once." What? Yeah, that's what I read on the internetS. She thinks she's in four places at once.


We head out to the city of Mil-a-wau-kee ("Wayne's World," yes?) to meet Nick and his family. 

Nick's favorite place in the city is a building full of cheese! 

Nick takes Andi to a brewery because she's never been to one before. Of course, there's some polka music and of course, Nick wants Andi to dance. 

After the dance Andi picks up some flowers and we get to Nick's house to meet his "very large family." There are a lot of people in there. Which, isn't awkward until they all stay in the exact same positions and just drill Andi. They were all sitting like they were about to take a class photo. 

Nick tells someone, I guess his sister that he's in love with Andi. 

"Does she make you laugh?" -- gUrl
"She just makes me smile." -- Nick

Sister gUrl pulls Andi aside and tells Andi that they cannot see him go through heartache again. WAH WAH WAH. During the convo, Andi makes this face. 

Who booty?

The tiniest sister pulls Andi aside and reads some questions from a list. Andi explains to tiniest sister what a "mental connection" is, which is, just irony at its finest. 

Bella tried to relay some information to Nick, but tiniest sister, Bella, could not remember any of the questions she asked Andi, nor could she remember any of the answers. 

I'm just waiting on Mitt Romney to show up on here. Or some sort of sister wife. Where did all of these people come from?

Andi names all of the family members and everyone claps. She called the situation a "green light."

"I will never get enough Andi." -- Nick
Also the opening line to a Lifetime movie. 

Nick just thinks of Andi has "his gUrl."


Andi is headed to Iowa. Growing up, there was a family in my church from Iowa and she told me it stands for IDIOTS OUT WALKING AROUND. 


Andi feels very open today. I think she could be talking about the fields. 

Chris has "some fun things" planned. Let's guess! They drive a tractor, milk a cow and maybe go fishing or shoot a gun. 

So far, Andi is mostly impressed that Chris lives in a house and not an apartment. 

From everything I can tell, Andi has never seen an open field and definitely never seen a tractor. 

I've driven a tractor before. It was the Kia version of a John Deere tractor. This is the Maybach version of it. And of course, my father was running alongside the tractor screaming the entire time. 

Andi and Chris are concerned that Andi might not be able to live in Iowa on a farm. 

"What would I do here?" -- Andi
"There's definitely an opportunity to be a homemaker." -- Chris

Oh. He was kidding. He did suggest law in the next town over. PTL. 

"My family has a lake house in Alabama." -- Andi
Her version of farming. 

While they are sitting in the field an airplane flies by with a sign that says, "Chris loves Andi." You usually see these at football games imploring fans to visit a Fire____.com website. So, yeah, this one was sweeter. 

I don't think these people have seen each other in the last decade. They just hugged everyone as if someone was returning from some sort of POW situation.

Andi thinks living in the country makes meeting the family even more intense BECAUSE SHE WILL HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL THE TIME. 

I think Andi thinks they are going back to 1940 and there will be no communication and no way off of the farm. Ever. It's like a kidnapping situation. She thinks she's being kidnapped versus getting engaged. 

So, yeah. 


Tampa! Andi has "very strong" feelings for Josh. Andi decided to wear booty shorts. 
Class act.

Of course, Josh takes Andi to some little ass baseball field. Scratch that, "baseball diamond." Josh has trouble watching baseball or even picking up a baseball. 

In a twist, Josh threw a few pitches to Andi and she was good. 

After running the bases and being "turned on" they make out on the field. 

We're still talking about baseball.

It's time to head to the Murray home. WE EVEN GET TO MEET AARON MURRAY. 

Josh cries when he sees his mom. But, like. Then, we had to meet Josh's dog, Sable. He went after that dog. Like, I hope he took a shower before touching anyone else again. 

During family dinner, we hear all about Aaron's NFL draft updates. He was drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs, FYI. 

After dinner, Josh's mom tells Andi he is in love. 
Andi asks if Josh can cut the chord from Aaron. 

Mom says no way. Chord ain't cut. 

"We're an athletic family, we go places." -- Josh's Dad

Andi is worried that she won't ever be able to skip one of Aaron's NFL games. 
Baby gUrl, you'll have to get a pink jersey and everything!!!!!!!

Andi sits down with Aaron and he explains that he's growing up and he knows that it's time for Josh to have a family and skip a football game every now and then...BUT, NOT BEFORE WE PLAY A FAMILY FOOTBALL GAME IN THE YARD. 

I was kind of embarrassed for everyone involved. 

But, they seem like really sweet people and just genuinely wanted her to know that they're super into Aaron's football career and she should be prepared for that. 


Time to get to Dallas(S)! Marcus is super excited to show Andi around in his leased Mercedes. He's treating Andi to a trip to the Tom Thumb at Highland Park Village. Oh. Just kidding. He's trying to get her drunk. Because he's performing a strip routine. 


Andi calls this "every gUrl's dream" and it's the saddest I've been in close to 3 years. 

I lived in Dallas(S) for 7 years. You only go to Highland Park Village for three reasons: it's Christmas and you want to look at lights, you're a stay-at-home-mom and you need something OR you think that Anthropologie has something the mall Anthro doesn't. There are are not 25-year-old dudes hanging out there. Ever. 

Marcus is so excited to introduce everyone to the gUrl he's "madly in love" with. Then, Marcus' niece gives Andi and him a homemade bracelet. Immediately, the sister pulls Andi aside. 

Andi doesn't really let sister get a word in for awhile. Who is Conrad?

Brother just wants Marcus to be happy and to "GO FOR IT." Marcus starts crying. He wants brother to know that he appreciates him. It's a very tender moment.

Mom asks Andi what she thinks is special about Marcus. OY.

This is the fist time Mother has seen Marcus this happy. Too bad Andi ain't moving to Dallas. 
Also, what would mother do if she knew about the strip routine earlier that day? I can't imagine. 

"Seeing a future with you is the most 'awe' moment I could imagine. I love you. I truly do." -- Marcus
What an awe moment?

Marcus put himself out there and then he called Andi his soulmate. : (


Now, we learn about the death of Eric. 
I'm going to skip that part. 


There's a lot of crying during the ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcus does NOT get a rose. Marcus has to take a moment to say his goodbyes. 

I wouldn't give him a rose either. He didn't even wear a tie to the rose ceremony!!!!!!!!!!

"You did nothing wrong." -- Andi

Marcus doesn't know what to do because Andi was his "everything." I mean. That's intense. It was like, one month and a TV show. "Everything" is a lot.

He regrets telling Andi he loves her because it "blew up in his face."

"I believed in something that wasn't there." -- Marcus
Like a ghost!

And just like that, it was down to three. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 7.

Welcome to Brussells! Andi is clad in leather and discussing melting pots.

"There's historical Belgium and new-modern Belgium." -- Andi

This is the week before hometown dates, so this is serious.

"Dude, w'ere in Brussells." -- a guy

ChrissyPoo rolls in wearing a blazer and a shallow v-neck. I think it's a Michael Jordan Hanes tagless v-neck. He explains the rules to three guys wearing scarfs and three guys wearing hoodies. THE POSSIBILITIES.

ChrissyPoo hands over the first date card. Marcus is getting the one-on-one date. He is wearing a scarf and a pink sweater. I swear on my life I got scarf for Christmas one year.


Andi is just excited to spend the day with Marcus and "explore this town." They take some selfies and buy some shit.

Marcus tells Andi he's been journaling. JOURNALING. Like he's been at camp all summer. He was going to leave, but only because he had such strong feelings, not because he realized he was on a television show and shit. He's "in love" with her and the pedal has his the metal. He's also drinking a beer while saying this, so. IDK.

It's dinner time and there's a rose AND meeting someone's family on the table.

Marcus is worried about talking about his family. The music during Marcus' family story sounds like "Silence of the Lambs." Or worse. And what's worse than that?

Something about mom.

There are HUGE limes in their waters. HUGE.
And. There's a lime shortage going on around here.

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.

"This is a man in front of me." -- Andi


Marcus comes home from the date. Nick "can tell" he had a nice time. He has NO interest in hearing about his date.

Josh is wearing a hoodie without a shirt on underneath.

Nick goes downstairs to "be persistent." He tells the hotel lady that he lost his room key and forgot his room number, just to see Andi. He's hoping the move pays off. Andi is still in her duds when she answers, but her heart is beating.

She was scared at first, but then they decided to go for a walk.

So far, Nick has gotten almost as much screen time as Marcus.

Kissing. Kissing.
Kissing next to a tree.

Passion. Very passionate.

"It's so hot." -- Andi
Nick is wearing a leather jacket, but I think she means figuratively.


It's time for Andi's second one-on-one date with Josh. She doesn't know how it's going to go, because Josh needs to catch up in the feelings department.

"This is one of the only cities in Europe that didn't get burned down during the wars." -- Andi

The wars. 

Josh has a feeling inside for Andi.
It's a feeling.
He's holding the feeling in.
Feelings or something.
It's tough.

So, Andi needs Josh to put IT out there. Everyone else is putting IT out there. She needs THAT from Josh. 

Can he even put the FEELINGS out there? 

Josh thinks he's gotten the best dates. He wants Andi to himself and hates seeing Andi with other guys.

Josh is ready for his family to meet Andi and wants her to know that she can be open and honest, but straight (?) with his family. 


He don't just throw shit around, if he says FEELINGS, that's who he wants to marry. 

Kissing. Kissing. 
Loud, LOUD kissing. 

Andi wanted to go outside, but they just kissed in a stairwell instead. 

It is so loud. 

There are some Belgium country music singers singing in the middle of the street. 

Dancing the street. No one else is dancing.



Nick's feelings about group dates haven't changed. They're the worst.

The group is at a castle. Or the ruins of a castle. The ruins have stood "the test of time," so they all hope their love with Andi can stand the test of time. : (

Something about bikes on train tracks?

Andi takes them to a monastery. So. IDK.
I can't. I mean.
They can have beer and cheese, but no kissing.

Andi takes Chris to a "pottery barn." She thinks it steamy.
She watched "Ghost" one too many times.
They kiss.

So, I don't think I know the rules.

Brian is like, FREAKING OUT over the rose. It's all he can talk about or think about. All I can think about is his sweater/hoodie sans shirt. How does that happen? Like, I don't think I know a single guy who would be like, "I'll wear this and skip the shirt."

I mean, do I?
Lord, hear my prayers. 

Nick doesn't think that Dylan, Brian and Chris matter. There's no second, there's no third. There's just Nick.


Nick and Andi take "how far is too far" to church camp level and just stare at each other and talk about kissing.

During the group date rose ceremony Nick gets the rose and Brian looks like he's going to burn down the entire country of Belgium.

Nick stays behind and the van of death takes Dylan, Brian and Chris back to the hotel. Brian wanted that rose "bad, really bad."

"He's not real to us." -- Chris, about Nick

Nick gets to meet Andi for dinner in another city.

"I'm excited to smile and just talk about Milwaukee!" -- Andi
First time anyone has ever said that. 

The bros get back to the hotel and everyone is MAD. Mad. Brian is still super mad. Everyone thinks Nick is going to make to the end and then walk away. He's a gamer.

Shit, y'all.
Come on.

Haters gon' hate, bro.

Fireworks, hands, kissing, baseball shirts.

I feel nothing in my soul.


Nick gets back from his quasi-date and boyz be bitchin'.
Actually, boyz be coughing.

There's a confrontation and everyone thinks Nick is into strategy more than Andi.



Andi wants to go home, she can kind of see herself visiting a few hometowns.

Dylan, who has the haircut of every boy from middle school in the mid-90s, has kind of figured out it is behind him, Chris and Brian.

Nick is excited for his friends to meet Andi. He is crying and I'm now convinced he's one of those people who watches "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" live every single week and gets upset if anyone spoils that for him.

Chris wants to let Andi know he is "there."
I'm assuming "there" is not Belgium and is somewhere figuratively.

Chris just takes Andi to some back alley and kisses her like he's the nerd in an '80s teen movie and no one can see them kissing because she's from the other side of the tracks or something.



She starts out by saying, "my sweet six."
I threw up.

Gentlemen, Andi, this is the final rose, when you're ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris gets the final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dylan and his hair head out the door. My ballpark guess is that he has not washed that hair the whole time he's been in another country.

He's crying because Andi cut him, I'm crying because he's dressed like Donald Trump.

"I definitely deserve to fall in love again. Definitely." -- Dylan
Baby boy, no one deserves anything!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian poured his heart to "that girl" and he has now vowed to GIVE HIS ALL FOR THE GIRL HE ENDS UP WITH. He kind of said it like he was going to kill her, too. I really hope he doesn't kill anyone over this.

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