The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 6.

Tonight, we're in Italy. Andi has taken her Southern-ghetto dialect to the land of leather and cheese and we're being promised: lies and love.

There boyz roll in on a boat and take in the sights.

"There's a church!" -- one boy

Cody is convinced that he's getting the one-on-one today, because she was saving their date for a really special place. He's wrong. Andi is not taking him on the first date. She's taking Nick. : ( The date starts as soon as everyone is off the boat .

Nick is dressed like a displaced member of New Kids on the Block.

Everyone is upset for Cody, but I don't get it, because it's a competition and a show about love. So, like-- MAYBE SHE DOESN'T LOVE CODY.

The boyz head back to their hotel and Cody and Chris take a seat on the terrace to discuss the situation. I'm like, you're wearing a black wife-beater while on vacation in Italy, you wouldn't even take yourself to Little Ceasar's wearing that!

-----

"I mean, we're in Venice." -- Andi
That sums it, gUrl. 

Nick and Andi go get a piece of pizza and the slice they got looked like something you would get in a school cafeteria.

Then, they went and took pictures with pigeons. The pigeons were on their heads. GROSS.

"It's hard not to fall in love in Venice." -- Andi
This. 

It sounds like Sting wrote the background music right now, but really, someone took a Sting song and made it really bad and that's how to describe this music.

Nick and Andi get back in the boat and Nick wants to know Andi's opinion.

BACK AT THE HOTEL, THE DATE CARD ARRIVES AND CODY LEARNS THAT HE WILL GET A ONE-ON-ONE. HE THINKS THIS MEANS THAT HE STILL HAS A CHANCE. NO ONE HAS EVER HAS LESS OF A CHANCE. : (

"Don't fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, but with the one who makes your world more beautiful." -- saying in a boat
If someone saw that and thought of me and then read it to me, I would not be happy. You better believe I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. Or top five at least. 

Andi sees a bridge and tells Nick if they kiss while under the bridge he'll win the show and the Cubs will win the World Series in the next three seasons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly, it's night and Andi is on a boat wearing a mask. But, surprise! It's her! She was trying to fool him, I guess. But, I don't know if he fell for it or not.

The two head to dinner and Andi says they're going to a masquerade ball, but they're just eating dinner alone in some old building with cool ceilings. IDK. IDK.

Andi needs some questions answered because of all that ~~**dRaMa**~~ last week!

Nick says he's the victim in all of this and that he has no idea how he became the bad guy.

"I feel wildly fortunate to have the connection we have." -- Nick
#blessed

I think even Andi is confused about the premise of this show at this point. Why is she mad that Nick is acting like her boyfriend?

He kind of mumbles a lot.
NICK GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!

After dinner, they head to their "masquerade ball." But, it's just the two of them dancing outside to an accordion, cello and violin.

Kind of felt like we were watching the deleted scenes of a Taylor Swift video.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is a bold woman! Wearing dem white jeans in a city built on water!
An old ass city built on water!
Dirt and water e'erywhere. You go, gUrl.

Andi thinks everyone on the group date has been honest with her, so naturally she's going to give each of them a lie detector test?

I would assume (I know, I know-- I'm an ass, you're an ass.) that Italy's best lie detector reader wouldn't be in America's top 100.

"It's great, you gotta get to know somebody..." -- Josh
Right. This what you should do within the first 6 weeks of dating someone. 

Andi goes first. They asked questions like: IS ITALY YOUR FAVORITE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?

Josh is really upset about this lie detector test. If you trust someone, you can't just ask them to take a lie detector test!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The questions asked: are you ready for marriage, do you prefer blondes over brunettes, have you slept with over 20 women, do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, are you here for RIGHT reasons.

After Dylan answers "no" the bathroom questions, he leaves. Apparently, he's sick. He also said he's slept with more than 20 women. So. That' pretty neat!

Chris is asked if he's the secret admirer and he says YES!!!!!!!!! He's very upset, because he wanted to do it in a more romantic setting, now it's just creepy! (Chris, SPOILER. It was all creepy.)

IMAGINE THE MOST BORING DATELINE EPISODE EVER.
That is what we're watching.

The results are in and Josh thinks if someone isn't there for the right reasons, ANDI WILL FIND OUT.

Three guys = no lie
One man = two lie
Two men = three lies

Andi gets the results.
She told two lies.

Andi lied about thinking Italy is her favorite country in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can she even be trusted now? I know I can't take her seriously now.

Instead of reading the results, Andi rips them up. SHE TRUSTS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
Cody is MAD that Nick didn't have to take a lie detector test.
I'm mad that this is a thing.

-----

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is glad she ripped up the results, but she still wants everyone to be open and honest.

The middle school basketball coach asks Andi to administer her own lie detector test.
It got awkward quickly. But, then, he asked her if she wanted to make out. She said, NO and he said, "you're lying!"

Listen. NO means NO.

Andi sits down with Marcus and he admits that he thought about leaving at one point. He didn't leave though! He didn't leave because he thinks Andi is worth it! Then, KISSING.

Josh is pretty damn mad that Andi made him take a lie detector test. He wants to get to know someone without having to take a lie detector test. Andi just thinks that he's hiding something from her.

I think he must be hiding his fashion sense. That scarf.

Josh starts getting testy. They have both very Southern-ghetto accents, so it kind of feels like we're watching an episode of "A Different World."

Chris sweeps Andi away and he admits to being the secret admirer. Andi knew it! She just knew it.

"I'm glad it was Chris." -- Andi
I think she would've said that about anyone. 

"It feels awesome to put myself out there." -- Chris
Wait. What. 

Andi gets ready to hand out the rose. She says "it's weird," about 40 times.

"I mean, how many times can you say you took a lie detector test in Italy?" -- Andi, to the group
IDK, ASK AMANDA KNOX. 

The secret admirer, Chris, gets the rose!!!!!!!

"Roses only mean you're developing a relationship." -- Chris
I think Chris understands the premise of the show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JJ, the pants guy, is starting to get a little upset about all the bromance going on. He doesn't understand while everyone is congratulating everyone on getting roses and one-on-one dates. No one else agrees with him.

BROMANCE FOREVER.

-----

It's time for Cody's one-on-one date and I'd rather watch a birthing documentary than 10 minutes of him. : (

It's not that he's a bad dude, it's that everything he says sounds like a Facebook status.

Andi is dressed like Marcia Brady.

Andi is taking Cody to Verona, the birthplace of Romeo and Juliet. Yes, that Romeo and Juliet.

He's way too excited about this. I mean, the producers made her do this.

Andi takes Cody to Club Di Guiletta. They will be reading letters from across the world sent to Juliet.

I'm so confused by this. Is this Italy's version of Dear Abby?
Who would write a letter to a Shakespeare character from 1597?
I am so confused.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?
ARE THESE REAL LETTERS?

Andi and Cody read a few letters and respond to a few.
Cody's response was surprisingly thoughtful and well-written.

I'll say it again, he doesn't seem terrible or anything, I just don't want to be at a dinner table with him. Or at like, a pool party. He seems like a guy who would always be trying to push you in or something.

It's time for the nighttime portion of the date. Cody has decided to dress like a Miami Vice character. His v-neck t-shirt is deeper than any ocean you could swim in.

Cody thinks if he gets a rose that it means she wants to be with him.
He starts the dinner off with a letter.

The letter was sweet, but he called Romeo and Juliet's love story THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME.

First off, they both committed suicide at like, 15. Can you imagine the Today Show coverage of this story today?

Second, has he never heard of John and Abigail Adams? That is history's greatest love story!!!!

So, after the letter reading, he starts in on a soliloquy. (OH, man. I nailed that one.)

"I've never experienced anything like this...it's kind of like I've known you for a long time... the first date is big time, I feel good. Andi, I'm willing to make a bold move for you. You make me feel on a whole different level... I just want to like, grab you, hug you, kiss you, roll around with you... it's a weird feeling. I like you, I want to know more about you. I want to meet your family, I want you to come to Chicago, I want you to be a part of my life. I want to take you home to my mom and dad! I'm telling you right now, you'll fall in love with me the more you stay around me. The longer you keep me around, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE." -- Cody
Finally. Finally. She cut him off. 

Andi says she took him on this one-on-one date just to figure it out. She can't give him the rose. She respects him too much.

Whenever y'all are ready we can go back to how he said he wants to "roll around" with her.

Cody handles it very well.

"You can't always get what you want." -- Cody
(SHOUT OUT bMayes!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Maybe Cody isn't so bad. He cried in the limo, but seemed to take it well. But, also-- see above. He kind of went on a rampage of words. I think he would've kept going, he would've gotten to kids' names, middle names, how they'll divide up holidays, plan family nights and it's likely that he already bought an entire family's worth of matching sweat suits.

Poor guy.

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

"We had eight. Cody left last night, one will leave tonight, then we will be down to six." -- Josh, doing math

Andi is ready to "figure some stuff out."
She's always figuring shit out.

Nick is the first one to get time with Andi and everyone calls him a jackass.

Andi ain't mad.

"He wanted it, come get it." -- Andi
SEXY MUSIC. 
KISSING. 

Dylan steps in on Nick's time and the other bros are still mad.
He says he's in love?

Every single guy gets time with Andi and every guy kisses her.

Josh wants to clear up some shit with Andi.
Listening to these two talk is like watching a "Step Up" movie.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo gets some time with Andi. And like, where have you been, bro? These guys are about to go bat shit crazy.

Dylan gets the first rose, which...UH-OH.
Brian gets the second rose. Another head scratcher.

Andi, gentlemen, it's the final rose tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Duh.
JOSH GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!

PantsBoy is heading back to the pants making palace. Or whereever he lives. IDK.

JJ cried. But, I wasn't super paying attention to his limo ride, so IDK.

Andi is ready to move the adventure somewhere else-- BRUSSELLS!!!!!!!!!!
(That's in Belgium!)

Looks like some real shit is going to go down in Brussells. I doubt it though.

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 5.

I almost had to watch the 14-hour recap, but I remembered I don't care enough.

When we're reunited with our gUrl and guyz we're in France. Andi has never been to France before, so she got out her best leather pleated skirt for the day.

Josh M. is getting the first date in France and for the record: he doesn't speak French.

ChrissyPoo met up with Andi on the street, but I fast-forwarded because I'm on a budget.

-----

Josh and Andi head out to begin their French journey. Voyage is French for journey. The two start off by walking around and making fun of the locals and eating sandwiches. Then, they head to a boat where Josh starts talking shit about golf and tennis. And then, he casually mentions that he was a second round draft pick out of high school for baseball. He says he stopped because he wanted a family.

I only report the facts here, so I feel like I should let everyone know that he never actually made it to the majors. He only got as far as AA ball which means he spent a lot of time in places like, Utah and Wisconsin or something. He then headed to the University of Georgia where he walked on to the football team and got his degree. So. I seriously doubt that he quit baseball because he wanted a family.

Andi is nervous that the only connection they have is physical. I dated a boy once who was constantly telling me he could beat me in tennis. Our relationship didn't last.

-----

There are some racial tensions in the house between Marquel and Andrew. I feel bad for Marquel. He's genuinely upset and even cries a little.

-----

Andi is still waiting for the mental and emotional connection with Josh. She wants to have an actual conversation with him. Andi, baby gUrl, I don't think that's too much to ask.

"I want you to know everything about me." -- Josh
"Well, you're my type." -- Andi

Josh asks if Andi has been cheated on before and Andi says yes, but it's because the other guy is an athlete. Josh does NOT want to be labeled an athlete, but he desperately wants everyone to know that he was drafted 48th overall, 7th in the second round of the 2002 Major League Baseball draft.

Josh told a story about how when he was like, 19 a gUrl cheated on him. And then, he had a gUrl that he did love, but not the marriage love.

This is the conversation I imagine two freshman in college having about their junior high relationships.

The day was just so perfect because they're both from Atlanta and in a palace, but everyone lowered their guards, so JOSH GETS THE ROSE.

Kissing. Personal performance by a guy on the street.

"This is awesome." -- Josh
You just aren't playing down the stereotype, bro. 

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Marquel wants to focus his energy on Andi and not on his confrontation with Andrew. Also. This shirt. It's like a dri-fit Hawaiian shirt or something. In brief summation, it's the worst.

Andi is taking the guys to a mime class! Andi thinks non-verbal communication is important, so MIME.

"I have no idea what a mime does." -- Chris
Really? This is real?

"I've never mimed before." -- Andrew
Oh? Really? 

These guys are acting like they're being asked to re-wire a building or something.

BUT, WHAT DO I DO? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

Hey, idiots, you're in France on a television show learning how to "mime," suck it up. It's not like you're going to perform for sick kids in a hospital or something. You're on the street. IN FRANCE. For free. 

Andi is excited because some of the guys have really "stepped it up."

The guy with the pants re-enacted his first date with Andi while miming.

"The guys are willing to do anything to have fun." -- Andi
EVEN MIMING!

Nick decided he was over it and over the group date. He starts sulking and let's us all know that he's not even going to pretend like he's enjoying himself.

-----

AFTER GROUP DATE COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right away, JJ sweeps Andi away to a ferris wheel. He's wearing a leather bomber jacket with a hoodie and a tie. Andi is wearing a sequined skirt. This G thinks she's Beyonce. Honestly, Tina Knowles has to be her personal style icon.

JJ just wanted some kissy-kissy time on the ferrish wheel and he got it.

Some of the bros confront Nick over his attitude. This is right after they decide it's time to put some of the bromances aside and focus on the competition of winning Andi's heart and sequined skirt collection.

Andi and JJ return right about the time Nick tells everyone HE IS THE FRONT RUNNER.
HE IS THE JOHNNY MANZIEL OF THIS SHOW.

"It was weird, we just had a date about communication." -- Andi
This gUrl. OY. 

Andi tries to ask Chris about what's going on, while Cody is confronting Nick. He feels mocked. HE REALLY DOES FEEL LUCKY AND DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM.

Cody decides to tell Andi that he thinks Nick made fun of him for being "thankful." Andi is very concerned. She thought tonight was going to be really fun and now everyone is making fun of everyone. : (

HER ENTIRE FIELD TRIP HAS BEEN RUINED.

Nick gets his alone time and tells Andi that he had "a lot of fun."

Andi is really picking up on the non-verbal clues that something is going on between Nick and some of the bros.

"Are you not going to tell me? If I was your wife would you tell me?" -- Andi
Well-played. Kind of. 

Andi is wondering if Nick is manipulating her. I would like to remind her that a GROWN ASS MAN just tattletaled on another GROWN ASS MAN for "hurting his feelings."

Then, Nick read a poem or a letter or an original screenplay or something.

"When I see you I smile; when I see you I blush; when I see you I get nervous; when I see you my chest bursts with excitement; when I see you I see beauty; when I see you I see strength, when I see you I see purpose; when I see you I see a future. Nick."
I guess he wrote this so she has something for her scrapbook, but it all seemed pretty cliche and like something you'd text to someone after you come home a little drunk on the third date. 

Marquel is ready to confront Andrew. Though I feel like race relations in this country still have a long way to go, this recap is not the place for us to discuss them.

Marcus takes Andi to a cave and toasts some red wine with her.

Andrew gets some time with Andi, "just a few minutes." He called the entire day "interesting."
Fast forward.

After all of this JJ, the pants guy, gets the rose.
Nick is not happy.

He kind of has the emotions of an 8th grade gUrl who isn't great at math, but is good at everything else.

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH BRIAN!!!!!!!!!!

Andi feels like Brian is really open with her.

"Today's just really about being romantic." -- Andi
SHE REALLY GETS IT.

They head to an old school "theater" to watch a movie.

"It's a story about cooking, but also romantic." -- Andi
I can't imagine a worse movie for a dude to be watching. Especially a middle school basketball coach. 

After the movie the two head out to get some cooking supplies.
She's now quoting the movie like it's "Casablanca" or something.

They head to a kitchen and start marinading!

"You can ask my mom-- I don't cook!" -- Brian
He says that like we need to ask his mom if his high school basketball jersey really is retired. 

Brian kind of starts acting like a D-bag and Andi is all, "but it looked so fun in the movie!"
Actually, I was pretty on her team. I'm not sure what this dude's problem was. It's not like it was a cooking competition and he had to prove himself. He just had to like, watch her chop carrots and comment on how sexy she looks while chopping. Then, he needed to eat the foot without being a little bitch.

"How does your mom make mashed potatoes?" -- Andi
"I don't know! I just eat them!" -- Brian
Must be some secret family recipe. Gah. Calm down. 

They dig into the frog legs and then Andi starts making more than one penis joke.

After deciding they hate their meal the two ditch it for a street side cafe.

Brian is now regretting his behavior. He's all, "I was soooooo out of my comfort zone."
LIKE, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK TO THIS GUY ABOUT GENDER ROLES.

DOES HE KNOW ANDI IS A LAWYER AND SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO COOK EVERY NIGHT?

WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO ABOUT HILLARY IN 2016?

Now, Andi is totally cool with his behavior and he gets the rose.

This guy acted like a little gUrl all day and I'm pretty mad.

IT WAS COOKING.
COOKING.

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is feeling a lot of emotions. She sits down with Chris and tells Chris she wants to send THREE guys home. THREE. There's nothing that will change her mind. THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY!

----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

We waste no time (JK, that's all these assholes do is waste my time!) and get right to it.

Andi, gentleman, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cody gets the final rose.

Andrew goes home and he says "it's not fair."

Some guy I thought was the opera singer is going home.

"I've heard from people, not just gUrls, that are really paramount in being a good husband." -- That guy who isn't the opera singer
LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

Marquel said he now believes in love again after meeting Andi. He cried.

A few other things probably happened, but I turned it off.

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 4.

Two nights, two episodes. That's enough to make a person not want to turn their TV on ever again.

The gang's all here (minus those sorry ass suckers who got cut) and they're headed to Connecticut! Where? Small state, by New York. You know, the Constitution state. That place every small child dreams of visiting. It's right up there with Utah.

Dylan gets the one-on-one and the other dudes are worried that it could get "too hot and steamy." IDK.

Andi takes Dylan to the steam train and she thinks it's going to be very "charming and cute." It's so charming and cute that it needs coal to run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It's an old charm kind of train." -- Andi
That's not even a train genre. 

After 12 different train puns, the train leaves the station. I'm already bored. Dylan says he's "definitely never done this," like Andi was going to challenge him on that or something.

Dylan was in an 8-year relationship once. His ex-gUrl got engaged the day after his brother's funeral. HOW COULD SHE.

"I swam across this river once." -- Dylan

That train ride look like a yawner, so editing leads us to dinner. Andi knows Dylan has a story and he's just dying to tell it. So, he tells the sad story and Andi cries.

Dylan gets the rose. But, y'all. It was NOT a pity rose. Okay? Even though felt bad for him, BECAUSE SHE DID, it was NOT a pity rose.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME.

I can't even. It's a group date featuring the WNBA. That's women's basketball.

Andi is wearing wedge sneakers. Like, high-heeled sneakers.

The big surprise for the boyz is that TAMIKA CATCHINGS IS ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know not a single human reading this know who she is, but IDK.

The boyz play a game with the WNBA team and of course, the boyz lose. Props to the WNBA for sending pretty gUrls!

That guy who coaches middle school basketball actually spend some time trying to coach his team. He said he was putting the team on his back and that if his team hustled, they would win. It was so sad to watch this guy try to "coach."

One of the team names is the Rosebuds. I honestly wish my TV didn't work.
Everyone was taking this game really seriously, so it reminded me a lot of a WNBA game.

At half-time the score was 6 to 6. : (

OH. THEY WERE PLAYING WITH A gUrl's BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Rosebuds won because that middle school coach "brought it" according to Andi.

-----

GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just can't even talk about her and Eric.)

The middle school basketball coach wants to take her back to the basketball court. He taught her how to shoot a lay-up. She's wearing a leather dress.

Middle School shoots and makes a half-court shot and Andi wants it bad. She wanted a kiss, but he's "sooooooooo bad at reading signs." What a dummy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick is super into Andi. He's nervous, but he thinks it's awesome. He goes to bed thinking about Andi and wakes up thinking about Andi. It probably helps that he's on a TV show.

Middle school coach gets the rose.

-----

MARCUS ONE-ON-ONE DATE.

CONFESSION: I took a phone call during this date and I didn't really rewind it. Mainly because I've already devoted way too many hours to this BS this week. 

They climbed a building. It was windy. Andi was scared. This is her "we conquered fears together" date. She will use this experience as her, "I can't be scared of love" moment for the rest of this season.


Phone call over. 

Marcus gets the rose.
The date is not over yet.
There's still a smoky casino stage to dance on.

Apparently, Marcus told Andi that he was falling in love. What an idiot.

------

Andi got a letter while chillin' in her hotel room. The music made it sound like the worst Hallmark movie, then the best Hallmark movie. PSYCH! There's no good Hallmark movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The letter was from a "secret admirer." I don't have the energy to discuss this.

------

PRE-PARTY BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian pulls Andi aside and tells her that he regrets not kissing her. She was all, "Thank God!!!!!!" And they kissed. Middle schoolers everywhere rejoiced!

Something, something that guy with a weird name.
Something, something Marquel is now wearing glasses and everyone is giggling.

Eric pulls Andi aside because he needs some feedback. He's been thinking about their prior conversation and it's not settling well with him.

Here comes the shit, someone move the fan!

Eric told Andi he thinks she has two different sides and that he didn't come on this show to meet an actress. Andi does not handle this news well. She says she respects his openness, but she's saying it with more attitude than Lil' Kim.

If you told me I had a poker face, I'd be like-- yeah. I would not cry. I would not be offended. ESPECIALLY ON A TV SHOW.

At this point, Andi start flipping shit and Eric says, "This is the real Andi I'm talking about!" Talk about awkward.

"Am I comfortable and natural all the time? Not a chance! But, do I work my ass off and stay up late so that everyone knows that I am here for them-- yeah, I do!" -- Andi
I really have no idea what that means. 
Like. Isn't everyone staying up late, but then you get to just lounge around a lot, too? I mean, those guys are always wearing sweatpants. Always. 

Also. You're on a TV show. Everyone is always forgetting that.

Andi starts crying and now the other guys can hear.

"She shouldn't be crying right now." -- Josh
Profound. 

At the end, Eric tried to tell her that he just wanted her to be comfortable with him. She said he wasn't a fighter and asked him to go home. So. He did. He didn't even get a sad ass mini van, he got a taxi.

Andi went all ghetto on everyone else and told the remaining guys that if they think she has a poker face, they can "walk their ass on out." Then, she started crying like a junior high gUrl and yelled, "I'm exhausted!"

It got kind of awkward because she was just talking about how hard she's trying and how tired she was. It's honestly something I've yelled at my parents before.

She kind of flipped her shit. In the worst way. In that your 12th grade math teacher would flip her shit like she's going through a divorce, but no one knew.

Anyway. ChrissyPoo came on and told us we weren't going to see the rose ceremony, but just talk about Eric instead.

I thought they would play a video montage of him or something, but they didn't. It was weird.

Outtie.

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 3.

We are being punished. ABC, in what they are calling a "special" event is airing two episodes of Andi this week. I'd rather watch 6 hours of a birth video than two episodes of this.

Andi and the boyz are heading to Santa Barbara. I've spent a lot of time in Santa B and I prefer to call it, Saint Babs, but whatever.

Chris lets the boyz know that "Andi won't be in LA this week" and that they are headed to a new destination.

Nick meets up with Andi in Santa B and the two head out on a bike road along the beach. The bike ride was super awkward, as in, they didn't really ride, they kind of coasted and Nick was just dragging one leg. Also, I hate to let the cat out of the bag, but they did not ride those bikes from the beach to the hike. I've been on that hike before and there's no way they rode bikes. I did drink wine on that rock though.

"You have a great resume." -- Nick
If a boy told me that on a date, I would cry and ask him to marry me. 

Andi and Nick head back to town for a meal at the Santa B court house. Nick is dressed like James Bond and all of his closest friends are married. Andi asks him why he isn't married. Rude. Nick lets her know that he was engaged "for a minute."

Something, something Andi liked talking to him about his past relationships.

Nick gets a rose. Andi wants to make him a believer. They kiss.

-----

The group date is happening and the boyz are expecting "something musical." They head out in the limo and drink champagne like they're on a epi of "Real Housewives." : (

One guy ran up to her and hugged her. Andi is ready to shock them, so she introduced them to BOYZ II MEN. The BOYZ II MEN are just singing "I'll Make Love to You" like it's something they do every afternoon. Andi's boyz celebrate very awkwardly.

The opera singer is the most excited.

I don't even know. These guys are terrible. It's everything you want it to be. Sounds like a drowning cat is at a middle school dance.

Andi is also going to be singing. She's really focusing on the line of, "Yeahhhhhh."

All the fellas are dressed alike. Alike = idiots.

Marquel, hoping for a sound bite calls the experience a chance to, "separate the boys from the men." OY. : (

The guys get up to sing and there aren't words to describe how much I want it to be over.

This small gUrl in the audience hated it worse than I did.

"I couldn't ask for anything more on this date." -- Andi
But, you could. Who told you that you couldn't?

-----

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Half of Andi's dress got left in a Punky Brewster episode. The other half had a lot of ruffles and was really tight on dat azz.

Andi wants to play a joke on Cody. She did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He loved it.

She told Marquel her favorite color was black. AWKWARD.

Marcus is excited to see her and wants to steal a kiss from her. That sounds like he is going to roofie her. I hope that's not what it means. As luck would have it, he didn't. They did kiss though.

She kissed like, everyone. All of the dudes. Including Josh, the former pro baseball player. I would hope that he has a current profession. Hopefully, it's something other than total skeeze. he got the rose.

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It's time for the one-on-one with JJ. He said "gorgeous" like, 19 times in less than 20 seconds.

Andi and JJ are dressing up as "old people." The Bachelor Producers are clearly running out of ideas for individual dates.

The two are supposed to be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Honestly: dumbest thing I've ever seen on any television show ever. And I've seen every season of the "Real World" since 19995.

"When I grow old, I want love to keep me young at heart." -- Andi
Oh.

They went to a skate park and tricked all the kids into thinking the old people were doing stuff young people should be doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back at the house there's a family emergency and Ron is leaving.

Finally, they got to take their makeup off and Andi is so excited to see "the young, handsome JJ."

JJ goes off on some weird tangent about being quirky and how he's also been afraid to be his "quirky-self." That conversation lasted 14 minutes our time, probably 3 hours without editing.

JJ's last relationship ended because he and his girlfriend were competing to see who can find the most friends. That is the first time I've ever heard that as a break-up excuse.

JJ got a rose.

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PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

During the middle of a convo with Eric, Andi received a giant boquet of flowers from Nick.

"This isn't real life, a guy getting you flowers." -- Andi
THAT'S THE UNREAL PART??????????

Apparently, JJ is upset that Andrew got some gUrl's number. Josh is in agreement-- he mad. No one should be getting numbers AND BRAGGING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"It mocks the process." I hope they never read this!!!!!!!!

Josh and PantsBoy confront him and Andrew lets them know he's not going to engage in this. THEN, THEY FOLLOW HIM THROUGH THE HOUSE YELLING AT HIM.

If someone was following me through a house yelling, "Great test of character!" I wouldn't know how to react either, because irony. It felt like some sort of high school team bonding experience had gone terribly wrong. The most wrong: those pants designed and worn by JJ. At some point, you gotta just slip your khakis back on, bro.

In summation: game respect game, UNLESS YOU GETTIN' NUMBERS.

Andrew came back downstairs and the conversation continued like "normal adults." Andrew claims that someone just "handed" him a phone number. Then, they keep talking about some van. I'm gathering that when the cameras aren't rollin', these boyz be ridin' in big white vans and not limos.

"I'm a grown ass man." -- Josh M. 
AND A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELORETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally. ChrissyPoo interrupts the fight. It's game day!!!!!!!!

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ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi, gentleman, it's the final rose tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, that dude who is out unashamedly getting numbers handed to him got the final rose. BECAUSE THIS IS TELEVISION AND LIFE AIN'T FAIR, YOU KNOW?

The opera singer didn't get a rose tonight and honestly, low blow, Andi. He was the only guy who performed on the group date and she could've kept him around.

THEN. He cried, like, a lot and I wasn't that upset any more that she cut him.

"I love to be loved and I love to love." -- Opera Guy
Stopppppppppppp.

It's always amazing to me that guys get cut and act just as crazy as the gUrls would.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'S ANOTHER EPI TONIGHT, SO PERFECT.