Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 2.

Everyone is so "so thankful" and "so lucky." I feel the exact opposite.

ChrissyPoo gathers up all the fellas and asks them what they think of Andi. Then, he tells them that Andi is on of the best. Clearly, he plays favorites.

We learn that Eric gets the first date. Andi shows up in her convertible to pick him up and I've made the executive decision to not write about the date. We know he doesn't win and we know he's a sweet guy. Basically, I don't want to get attached this guy, nor do I want to say something terrible about him.

As soon as I started fast-forwarding I saw that there was a helicopter ride involved. : (


It's time for the next date card!!!!!!!!! I really need to know what the Producers tell these guys to get the reactions out of them that they do.

"Let's bare our souls," says Andi.

Craig, the tax accountant, from Denver is really loud and does a lot of screaming.

Everyone gets off the bus and knows exactly what the word bare means. They sooooooo get that it means naked and you cannot fool them.

The boyz walk into the middle of a male strip routine by the Hollywood Men. I think it's like the Pussycat Dolls, but not.

Of course, this is for charity. So, no one can be mad. You know? CHARITY. THIS IS FOR CHARITY.

Also, Andi wants to "sample the goods." I've heard people say this before, but at this very moment, I do not know what it means.

The boyz have to try-out for the show. I think everyone made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two of the boyz "get" to do a solo routine for CHARITY!!!!!!!!!

Andi reminds everyone that this is for a great cause and everyone should just "have fun."

Carl is an actual firefighter, so he had a little trouble putting on the fake firefighter hat and wanted everyone to know the hats were NOT real.

Craig is a "sexy cowboy" and he is ready to "make some money for charity." I wonder if any of these guys know they could just write a check to any charitable organization of their choice, at any time. Most charities even have web sites you can visit.

Being that this episode aired on Memorial Day, I find it VERY INTERESTING that the Bach Producers went with the naval theme for one of the solo routines and then, of course, an army routine. It's like, what's a better way to honor a fallen hero than by doing a strip-routine for charity?

Outside, there's a VIP line for some of Andi's frandz to wait in. There is NOTHING VIP about this experience. And I can say that because I went to the VIP section of a club in Vegas once and maybe almost got escorted out because one of my frandz fell asleep. Meaning: I know VIP.

The strippers took to the stage and one of the guys said he had PTSD afterwards. Which, again. MEMORIAL DAY. So, great reference.

Marcus, the guy dressed like the most decorated air-traffic controller ever, was not looking forward to his routine, but Andi said he was amazing. Why did he have those wands? Those wands are for the guys with the vests and weird knee pads, NOT officers. If this was supposed to be a believable routine, it wasn't.

It got pretty weird at the end. The guyz had to go back out in the audience and collect tips.



Andi tells Brian she "doesn't want to show her cards too much," but that she was really impressed with him. I kind of think that's a weird thing to say to someone who is a teacher and just stripped on national TV for "charity." Then, the sad music came on and he tells her that he regrets not shaking it for her more directly.

Apparently, Andi knows a lot about male strippers, because she is kind of judge-y and seems to know what she is looking for in that department.

Josh doesn't want to stereotyped as a jock. He says he's shy, but Andi doesn't believe him because of the stripping. UMMMMMM. ITZ A TV SHOW AND YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO. But, also, really shy people don't go on TV to date. They just don't.

Craig got drunk. : (
He scoured the mansion and finally found Andi for some one-on-one time.

Andi doesn't really miss a beat and when Craig asks who her favorite guy is, she says, "YOU."

You know who isn't shy? ANDI.
That dress.
She is putting it all out there.

Craig keeps drinking and decides it is time to get in the pool.
Andi is fine with people having fun, but wants them to remember they are here to date! Her!

I don't think she can be mad at them. I mean, she went along with the whole stripper date thing, so what do you really expect of humans? If you can find 15 humans to strip on TV, do you really think they won't get drunk and jump in a pool?

Everyone is pretty upset at Craig.
Andi doesn't understand how this happened.
She doesn't think she is doing the right thing.

"This is serious to me." -- Andi

Marcus gets some one-on-one time and Andi tells him, "you did good."
Andi wants to get the rose to someone who "really stepped up." That guy is Marcus.

Per the usual, it is very hard to take this seriously when she thinks there's even a category for "stepping up" when you're talking about a group stripper date. : (


It's time for Chris' one-on-one date with Andi and he hopes Craig doesn't get in the way of their date today.

Chris meets up with Andi at the race track.
Chris is under-dressed, so let's get to pampering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is looking for a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady.
You can't say you're looking for a gentleman and want a stripper at the same time.

An older couple asks Andi and Chris how long they've been together. THIS IS NOT A SET-UP AT ALL. The older couple has been together for 55 years.

These two couples are the only people dressed up in the entire place.

"Maybe all I have to do is bet on the right horse." -- Andi

"I'm already a winner." -- Chris
: (

The two now have the park to themselves. Andi calls it very exclusive. She has totally forgotten there is a production crew of 50 following her around.

Andi doesn't waste any time and immediately asked why Chris hasn't found his soulmate. He says he came close and was engaged once. He also tells Andi that when he proposed he knew it wasn't right. So, I hope he's had that conversation with that chick in Iowa. Otherwise. : (

Chris gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time for the concert and dancing!
There's kissing. More than one kiss.

So, the shots of the band were weird. At one point, the backup guitarist has an electric guitar and then, just like that he's got an acoustic guitar. And then, right back to the electric. I mean. WE HAVE ALL SEEN THIS SCENE A BILLION TIMES, JUST DO A BETTER JOB OF MAKING US BELIEVE IT'S NOT TOTALLY SET-UP, ABC. PLZ. PLZ. PLLLLLLLLLLZ.



Andi is dressed like she's going to be performing in an off-off-Broadway production of something involving sequined polka dots.

Andi is ready to know who's here to party and who's here for love.

Andi loves the cleavage.

Nick V. didn't get a date this week, so he set up his own one-on-one with some strawberries right next to a fire. I would've put the strawberries a little farther away from the fire. I don't want to eat a hot strawberry.

Andi and Nick V. are very aligned.
They want great.
Yes, Andi, this aligned.
You both don't want shitty. THIS IS SPOT ON.

Marquel pulls Andi aside so she can learn about patterns. He is wearing every pattern. All the patterns.

Josh and Andi kiss. He's got this flirty-ramble on lock. Playa, play on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Craig plays a song he wrote for her on his guitar. He cannot sing. Not even in the cute way. I wouldn't cut him because he got drunk, I'd cut him because he's obnoxious. He is 9th grade.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Y'all really brought it." -- Andi

Chris wants to remind everyone that this is serious business. If you don't get a rose, you have to go home IMMEDIATELY. No more fun!

I think one guy had on a camo tie.  : (


Some dude named Bradley got the final rose. I can only assume she was wearing an earpiece and someone told her that guy's name. There's no way she knew it.

Carl, the firefighter, was wearing a TINY, TINY vest and he got cut.

Nick S. bought his shirt at JC Penney and he's trying not to cry. He was also wearing white socks with his suit.

Craig also got cut, because. Craig.
He says he's going to live with this mistake for the rest of his life.
That's a little dramatic, Craig.


We learn that next week there will be two FULL episodes for us to sort through. I'd rather try to find my retainer in yesterday's KFC trash.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 1.

I read somewhere once that Christmas was "the most wonderful time of the year." This is unrelated, but I broke out into hives when I realized this show was back on.

Chrissy Poo Harrison starts the show with a sad montage about one of the contestants who recently passed away. They dedicated the season to him. A very kind gesture.

But, I will tell  you this-- if anything ever happens to me, you better NOT dedicate this show to me. That's like dedicating a gas station bathroom to someone. But, seriously. It's really sad about Eric. Kind of surreal to watch him, especially when you hear even a little bit about his life. Being on this season of the Bachelorette, was probably not even going to be in his top 10. That guy was really doing some cool stuff.


Andi! She puts bad guys away. At one point she was "working" in an empty courtroom. Then, we learned that, obviously she's giving up her career as a prosecuting attorney. So, take everything you thought about this gUrl, mainly that she's smart, and change your mind, because she is not.

Andi wants her dad to be supportive.

"I just want to be real with everyone and fall in love." -- Andi
Oh, sweet, sweet angel. 

Then, she goes on and on about having fun and having a partner to try on sleeveless graphic Ts with?

Andi wants to "give it all she's got." Suddenly, it feels like we're watching a sad version of the Olympics.


Andi gets to the top of Bachelor Hill and Chrissy Poo tells her that tonight's the night! He told her to get ready, but instead she put her feet in the pool for 8 seconds and then, Andi's sister came over.

We start off by asking the important questions like, "how many guys are you going to kiss on national television?" She was honest about it and told us that finding love MEANS kissing people.

Andi's dress is gold and glittery. She looks like an Oscar statue, but the sound editing kind. Not the kind for acting or direction. Oh, I guess she's not wearing that dress. IDK. She changed.

"I can see the end, because I am finally starting my beginning." -- Andi
It makes me sad to think that her life before this doesn't count or something. When she took her law school degree off the wall earlier she meant it. 


It's time for the boyz to get out of the limos.

It only took three guyz for us to meet one with a really odd job title. JJ is a pantepreneur. Of course.

Marquel is only there to compliment her.

A guy with a weird teenage mustache talked about a lock on a bridge. HE THINKS WE'VE NEVER SEEN OTHER BACHELOR/ETTES DO THIS BEFORE.

Cody is a personal trainer and he "pushed the limo" into the driveway. He was kind of the worst. In the way that you don't care if your friend dates him, but you don't want to spend any time with him. He's definitely into CrossFit and Paleo and it's definitely all he talks about.

Andi went for the hug with Rudie and he went with the handshake AND DECIDED TO GO WITH "SOME ATTORNEY HUMOR." I had no idea this a humor genre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait for for some more attorney humor!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason needs a haircut and claims to be a doctor. He's never shaved and he beat up a kid going to prom and stole that ugly ass tie from him. : (

Dylan is so nervous.

Oh! Finally! A soccer player! There's no better place to play soccer than a wet carport in Malibu!

Emil is a helicopter pilot!!!!!!!!!! I'm praying right now that he makes it really far and makes it to a helicopter date so we can see what some backseat helicopter driving looks like!!!!!!!

Bret loves lamp.

Bradley is an opera singer, so we can now confirm that "opera singer" is still a profession since we've seen it twice now on TV!!!!!!!!!!

I bet Andi is going to go for the 29-year-old bartender. Right?


It's time to go inside to the booze fest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi has a weird Southern accent that also sounds a little ghetto. She must've picked that up during the hard knocks of law school life.

Andi has the feeling that the love of her life is standing in the house.

She immediately says, "Josh M. is my type." Probably helps that he's a former college football player for the Georgia Bulldogs. HER PARENTS HAVE STATUES OF GEORGIA BULLDOGS OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, she's into him.

That one guy is dressed just like Harrison on "Scandal." He walked right into Dillard's and said, "Make me a gladiator!" Then, he fed her some cookies. Like, he wanted her to eat a lot of cookies. Especially the black and white cookie-- because he is black and she is white. I get it.

ChrissyPoo lets us know that there's a rose up for grabs!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is the closest we've all been to a rose tonight." -- Guy


So, our twist for the season is that a guy who was on a few seasons ago is back! I totally can't remember his name, but he just showed up there and wants to be on the show, I guess. These producers think I am so dumb. I know they brought him there.

The real budding romance of the season is between Patrick and Andrew. They think they are on the same level and at one point, Andrew decides to sit a little closer to Patrick on the couch. Their love connection has to do with Formula One racing. I thought about Googling a few Formula One facts, but. Please.

We head back outside to ChrissyPoo and Andi. Chris lets her know that Chris, from Emily's season, wants to be on the show this season. Now, I remember! He was the overly sweet guy from Chicago. NOW HE'S THE INSANE ONE WHO JUST SHOWED UP AT CRAFT SERVICES.

Andi says NO, he cannot "vie for her heart."

Chris tells Chris that he should leave and InsaneChris says, "I'm not leaving, just to let you know."

Finally, RegularChris walks away and InsaneChris decides he will leave.


"Seeing a kid improve academically can bring a tear to your eye." -- Guy
OH. Wrong show, buddy. 

Andi tries to tell the farmer that she could be into farming. She's a total liar. She thinks farming is just "being outside." However, I could see her going the route of Pioneer Woman and at least getting some dogs and writing a book about living on a farm.

"Polish is my first language." -- Guy
Worst pickup line ever. 

Andi is super into Marcus because he said something in German to her. I mean, okay, gUrl. I like your surprises.

The first impression rose goes to Nick. He thinks Andi just felt bad about his nervousness and that's why he got a rose. Could be true? IDK.

Patrick is nervous because he spent more time courting Andrew than Andi. He got the names mixed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That bartender is from Utah. They have bars in Utah?!?!!?!?!?!?!?


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is truly grateful to be here.
I'm truly grateful that tonight's episode isn't 2 hours long!!!!!!!

Gentlemen, Andi, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The helicopter pilot got cut and I'm super bummed.

That lawyer with the bad jokes got cut.
He really thought he was going to marry her and have kids. Oopz.

Josh B. is crying. He can hear the other guys celebrating and not he's embarrassed. He accomplished nothing. He has to call his parents.

"This is stupid." -- Josh B.

So. That's that. Nothing happened.
Looks like we'll be here all season.

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