The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 9.

If someone asked me to watch two nights of the Bachelor in a row every single week or spend the night in a fantasy suite with 200 feral cats, I would very likely choose the cats.

We're in St. Lucia and JP only brought his best cargo shorts for the trip. Obviously, he's a guy with stuff to carry.

Clare is up first.

Clare has just absolutely convinced herself that she would never, ever fall in love. So, on the flip side, she has convinced herself that this is just IT. She is completely blinded to the fact that this guy is the Ke$ha of bachelors.

The two get on a little dingy boat and head out to a yacht.

Conversation topics heading out to the yacht: cuteness, time limits.

The Pixel yacht takes off and at this point, we do not care about Camilla and what she might see on this show, JP and Clare are mugging down.

Clare and JP start discussing the family meeting. There's very little to this convo, because basically it was a set-up for Clare to be able to say, "I'M READY TO GET MARRIED AFTER A MONTH!" JP's response to everything was, "Your mom is so cute."

JP takes off Clare's cover-up, which is a perfect thing for your daughter to see on TV. Mostly, I'm upset that she might see this and think women can't take their own clothes off. It's 2014. Hillary's worked too hard. Take off your own cover-up.

It's dinner time.

All JP does is push people's hair around.

Tell him he looks sexy with his hair pushed back.
You look sexy with your hair pushed back. 

"Is it weird if I want to meet Camilla?" -- Clare
"No, not weird." -- JP
This was an actual question and answer. 
WHY WOULD IT BE WEIRD TO MEET YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND'S CHILD, CLARE? 

That convo was over within like, 9 seconds and Clare just said she wanted to be a cool step-mom.

They get the fantasy suite card and Clare really, really wants to clarify that Vietnam isn't going to happen again. She's all, "remember when we did it in the ocean and you said your daughter wouldn't like that?"

It was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. JP said he prepared himself for "overnights," and that "this is what it is." I have no idea what that actually means. Eventually, we learn that JP is not going to get mad about the sex later.

This conversation was dumb. And they headed immediately to the fantasy suite.

JP goes to his token hair move and compliment, "you're so cute."

He accuses Clare of thinking too much and then pushes her hair back.

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.

"I just love falling in love with you." -- Clare
No. 

Clare re-lives all of her favorite moments or something and basically, they decide that Clare trusts Juan Pablo.

"I don't want to lose these feelings." -- Clare
Like, you're worried you'd leave them at Target or something?

Hot tub. Hot tub.

There was 1/8 of a serious conversation had, one exchange of "falling in love" and a hot tub scene.

-----

Next up, Andi.

I hope Andi continues to make Papa Hy proud.

I can only imagine how NOT proud of JP's tank top he would be.

The two are walking around a village and decide to learn how to play steel drums.

Then, they get some food and sit down at a random table.

JP completely terrifies two little boys sitting at the table and offers them food off his plate. HE'S ALL, HEY LITTLE BOY, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? All the guy needed was a van. It was terrifying. Then, he "heard" that the little boys like to play soccer, so they played some soccer on the beach.

He gets Andi in a dune buggy and takes her to a place where he's probably going to kill her. JK. They go on a hike in flip-flops (NOT SAFE) and make their way to a waterfall.

Andi tries to get JP to tell her about the conversations he had with her family.

"Your sister asked me a million questions and I was just like 'boom.'" -- JP
Oh. Okay.

Andi got that one-piece on and a Michael Kors watch, under a massive waterfall. Kissing.

It's dinner time.

JP wants to clarify a few things Andi told him in Atlanta. Mainly, does Andi want to force this relationship with him or does she just want this badly?

Andi says this is serious to her, because there is a child involved. She's not trying to force anything.

"There's nothing wrong with thinking." -- JP
Well, try it sometime, son!
(Nailed it.)

Andi asks if JP has any other concerns and he says nope! I'm like...you sure?

Anyway. JP launches into some diatribe about how this is HIS life. And then, then he starts in on this whole thing about someone "fitting" into his life. He says it about a million times. It's at this point that I get real annoyed. Listen, son. I get it. You have a daughter, but like, someone just doesn't need to "fit" into your life. YOU GOTTA BUILD THAT SHIT TOGETHER. I don't want to just "fit" into someone's life. If I just "fit" into someone's life that sounds like there'll never be any room on the DVR for my shows, I'll always have to go to Walmart alone and I'll continue to have to take my own car to get the oil changed. No thanks!

Run, Andi, run! He's totally going to make you run errands alone.

They get the fantasy suite card and both agree that some alone time would be good.

This was after Juan Pablo said he "didn't know" if Andi would be a good mother. I'm like, I know people who would tell ME I'd be good a mother, just because I can cook and get up early. You really don't see any qualities in this chick that would make a good mother? You really just "don't know"??????

IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, the fantasy suite was the best night ever for JP. He had fun and he thinks Andi is "cute." Frickin' puppies are cute, man.
Tiny little baby shoes are cute.

Andi on the other hand, had the worst night of her life.

"Waking up this morning, I couldn't wait to get out of the fantasy suite." -- Andi

Basically, Andi said most of her concerns were confirmed. She saw a side to him she didn't really like. She said she tried to talk about her feelings and that he always interrupted with his own stories and he never asked her any questions. She doesn't think JP cares about her.

WHY DID THIS TAKE SO LONG FOR SOMEONE TO NOTICE?
We've watched like, 18 hours of this crap over the past 2 months and I don't know anything about these people. Like, nothing.

Andi goes on and on and let's us know that our suspicions were correct: JP is a total d-bag.

-----

We can't dwell on that forever though. It's Nikki time!!!!!!!

HOW CAN WE FOCUS ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS OUTFIT?

It's like Sacajawea met up with that Matilda Jane person at a Vera Bradley outlet and everyone died.

They get on some horses and I've never felt so bad for two horses in my life. They have to spend all day with these two people.

JP tells us why he likes Nikki: sexy, good kisser.
Qualities men should look for in a mother for their young daughter: not those.

"Someone got a little sexy today." -- JP
Translation: You barely wore any clothes. 

"Good thing I put pants on." -- Nikki
Translation: The producers made me put pants on.

Then, JP says something about wanting Nikki to wear a thong while riding that horse. I've never been so grossed out in my entire life. This conversation goes on for far too long. Clearly, he like, really respects women and his daughter has nothing to worry about.

Why Nikki likes JP: good kisser, great dad.
[insert emoticon for rolling my eyes]

They stop on the beach and discuss Nikki's family.
She says her family really liked JP.

I can only assume everyone in her family was on Valium during the meeting.

Something about being real and it's okay and swimming.

Nikki has gotten close to telling JP she loves him, but she's scared.
Almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.

Dinner time.

Reluctantly, Nikki is fully clothed in a maxi dress.

JP goes for the token hair move. He's always moving hair around and like, her hair was already behind her ear.

For the third time this episode, JP accuses someone of "thinking."
He describes the entire situation as a "loose animal."
He never answered Nikki's question about having doubts.

He's tired of thinking and gets out the fantasy suite card. Nikki doesn't hesitate. Daughters be damned! It's overnight time!

Why Nikki would be a good partner for the rest of JP's life: she's honest, very pretty, sexy and cares about people.

This guy and his character qualities. Right? Right. OY.

Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and she has to tell him tonight.

JP asks Nikki, "what are you thinking?" And instead of letting her answer, he pushes her hair around, kisses her and calls her cute.

Nikki just goes for it and says, "I LOVE YOU."
JP says, "I didn't know that."

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.

Nikki doesn't want the sun to come up, she wants this moment to last forever.

Juan Pablo is spending the night with this gUrl, met her parents and just now exclaims, "I can't wait to get to know more about Nikki."

If I wasn't dead before, I'm dead now.

------

JP meets up with Chrissy Poo.
Fast forward.

But, not before Chrissy finally asks, "WHAT THE HELL DOES 'I'M GOOD' MEAN?"
JP tries to play the language card. Over it.

VIDEO MESSAGES!!!!!

Same ole, same ole. Until Andi's video. Basically, she was all, "I've been thinking. I'm breaking up with you, the producers won't let me do it on video, so I'm going to walk up a hill to talk to you."

Andi heads to meet up with JP. She's ready to be done with this and ready to call it a day.

I guess JP was in a different village, because she was walking for. ever. Like, for. ever. Up a hill, down a hill, back up a hill.

Finally, she gets to JP.

Before Andi can even start talking, JP goes for the hair move. Andi doesn't let that distract her. But, for me, if a guy wanted to touch my hair that much, I would flip my shit. Like, I would shave my head if he touched it that much.

Andi begins.

She just says, we've been here a while, I really liked you, it was fun and adventurous, blahblahblah, lots of feelings.

"It's okay, it's okay." -- JP
"It shouldn't just be okay, it's not okay... I really put myself out there... I missed stuff... it's not just okay." -- Andi

So, then, like...JP tries to explain why it's okay. It's okay because: it's okay.
Andi says, saying it's okay makes it sounds like he has no feelings.

"Well, English is my second language." -- JP

Something about Andi only thinking about one guy.

THEN, HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT "ANDI" LIKE SHE ISN'T SITTING RIGHT THERE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH... ANDI!

"To me it's okay, I respect you... I appreciate you being honest with me...Am I gonna die right now? No. Is it sad? Yes, because I do like Andi." -- JP

At this point, I'm ready to give up. Andi feels like JP has no idea who she is, she's tried to share her feelings and talk about herself and all JP says is, "it's okay."

He keeps saying Andi has been in the top three since week 2.

Then, she tries to tell him that talking about overnights with other gUrls is kind of offensive. Andi wants to clarify that she knows how the show works and she didn't need to hear about the date. JP says, "I was just being honest."

Then, there's an 18-minute conversation about the word "default."
JP says he would've never said that word because he doesn't know that word.
Apparently, he told her she barely made it to St. Lucia. Or he said, she was the "default" choice for St. Lucia.

IDK.

Then, it's all. Honesty, honest, honesty.

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole." -- Andi
"Okay." -- JP

There was a commercial break and they are still talking about the word "default." Andi wants to watch the tape. JP tells us again that he doesn't even know that word.

Andi gives up on that and then asks JP if he knows her religion, political views or anything about her thought on THINGS THAT MATTER. Like, PREACH. He probably doesn't even know where she went to college. Is she a Georgia fan or a Georgia Tech fan? Or did she like, go to Clemson or something?

"I have no idea about any of that." -- JP
OY. OY. OY. 
I've been on a lot of first dates. You don't talk about kids on first dates, but you definitely cover the basics. Yes, I go to church. No, let's not talk about who I voted for. OMG, the Arkansas Razorbacks are everything to me. 

Andi says, because of this she doesn't think JP takes her seriously.
I don't think that, I think JP is a selfish SOB who wants someone to "fit" into his life.

FAVORITE SCENE EVER ON THE BACH.

"What's my religion?" -- JP
(zero seconds pass)
"Catholic." -- Andi
(this face)

It was gold. He was sooooooo shocked she knew that he was Catholic. But, honestly... context clues, you know?

Anyway. JP says he had a perfect time with Andi.

"Talk, laugh, smile. That's it." -- JP

Andi tells JP to NEVER say, "that's okay" again. Then, she calls him annoying.

He's all, "it's my favorite thing to say."

He tries to mess with her face and she says, "DON'T MESS UP MY MAKEUP."

"AY, ANDI." -- JP

FINALLY. IT'S OVER.

In JP's interview, he says he was "maybe" disappointed.

Then, he tells us... if she just would've come up and been like, "it's not gonna work, I would've been sad, very sad." BUT. Because she came and told him why it wasn't going to work and told him he should work on some stuff, he's not sad, he's mad.

I'm beginning to think this guy's ESL teacher was Matthew McConaughey.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay, okay, okay.

THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"If Andi would've wanted to stay, I would say no." -- JP
See what he did there? He turned it around and somehow convinced himself that she would change her mind and want to come back, but he's in charge here and would say NO. Like. What. That chick ain't coming back, son.

Andi gets in the van and knows that nothing she said made any sense to JP. She made no impact on his life. He is way too into himself to have any clue. It's not his ESL problem. It's his JP problem. (Nailed it.)

PRAISE REPORT: Someone on this show has standards.

After all of that, I'm done.
Rose ceremony did happen.

Clare lost 14 pounds due to excessive sweating.

End scene.

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 8

Two-night Bachelor "special" event is code for: we are all going to die here.
We may skip a lot to cover two nights of this.

-----

HOMETOWN DATES!!!!!!!


Nikki is so excited to share Kansas City with JP. She thinks he is so fun and amazing.

They go to Oklahoma Joe's BBQ and she calls it "one of the most famous barbecue places in Kansas City." TRY THE WORLD, BABY GURL.

JP loved it. He made a lot of weird noises while eating it.

Next, Nikki took JP to a mechanical bull. Because, when I think of Kansas City-- I think of mechanical bulls. She's really captured the essence of the city with this decision.

"It's pretty hot watching Juan Pablo on a bull." -- Nikki
It's not. 

We head to Nikki's parents house and it looked way more like a library than a house. And her brothers look like bad J. Crew models. These people got some cash on hand.

They sit down to dinner and mama bear pulls Nikki aside before they could even take a bite of whatever that was on their plates. Maybe barbecue, but also, maybe other stuff.

Mama bear asks if there's a "mental attraction" there. I think Nikki just lied to mama bear's face, because how can there be? I'm convinced he's not mentally capable of fully understanding a plot to a Berenstain Bears book.

Papa bear sits down JP and asks why he likes her. Something, something.

REMEMBER THAT DRESS NIKKI WORE IN MIAMI? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT THESE ARE HER PARENTS?

Papa bear has spent some time in politics. He said "trust" way too many times.

Papa bear asked, specifically, what it is about the relationship that leads her to believe this is IT. She can't put her finger on it, she can't describe it, but it's just MAGICAL. That's just a NO, Nikki.

Nikki had the best day ever. She feels good about her family and she wants to tell JP she loves him.

Kissing on the porch. The car starts before Nikki can tell him, she cries.

SHE DIDN'T TELL HIM!!!!!!
It didn't feel right. She came SO close, but she didn't.

-----

Next, we're headed to Andi's hometown, the A-T-L, and she's ready to be on her turf.

When they meet up, she's standing dangerously close to the edge of that pond. I was very worried she would take a wrong step in those wedges on that wood and just ruin everything.

Andi tells JP she has something "crazy" in mind for him, because he made her do "crazy" things. He waned to know what "crazy" things and she said, "soccer, dancing..." THOSE ARE NOT CRAZY THINGS.

Andi takes JP to the gun range.
Fast forward.

Time for family dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's dying inside.

Andi's family has placed a sign on the door reading, "Welcome Home, Pookie!" I dig that.

Andi starts crying the second she walks in the door.

Andi is still waiting to fall in love, she's so close and needs her family to go ahead and tell her to fall in love.

JP and Andi tell the love story and basically, they just talk about how they've been on a bunch of group dates. Daddy Bear is MAD. He doesn't think it's all that funny. It was awkward and not cute at all.

Hy, Andi's father, is not impressed. He looks like he's being tortured. So, basically-- he's a completely normal human father, who wants the best for his daughter and this is not the best.

Apparently, Andi has never heard the story of her parents meeting and engagement. She thinks 6 months of dating before engagement is equivalent to this. It is not.


Patti pulls JP aside and she asks why he likes her. The answer is somewhat scattered.

"She's beautiful, first. Second of all, she's smart. Very smart. She's got values. I say something she'll boom, bang, back and fourth we can go for hours, it's been like that since then." -- JP
Since, what?

The conversation last zero seconds before Patti requested to watch Andi and JP dance.

If this was me, my mom would say, "Okay, let me see the two of you do a craft project."

Hy sits down with his whiskey and he has a few questions.

JP says his reasonings for going on the show and I'm confused. Something about people knowing who he is and that he has a daughter.

JP straight up asks if Hy would accept JP and Camila into the family.

"It's an issue of finding someone good enough for me." -- Hy, normal american dad
PREACH. 

Hy asks JP to put himself in his shoes and tells him, "you better come back and tell me there is no one else in the world for me."

LET'S GET HY A SHOW!!!!!!!!!

Andi confesses that she's not totally convinced she's in love with JP. Her sister agrees and she just doesn't know if JP is the one for her.

Andi's family is ballsy. And I'm into it.

Andi sits down with Hy. He's very concerned that Andi is going to get hurt. He's very concerned that JP is dating three other people, so at this point, we do need to remind him of the premise of the show.

Andi's answer for almost everything is, "we get along really well." I get along with a lot of of people who work at Target.

The night is finally over and Andi asks JP to sit down and chat.

JP keeps saying that the day was great. I'm not sure he fully understands that these people did NOT enjoy his company.


-----

Time for Renee's family!!!!!

We learn that JP is going to meet Ben at a little league baseball game.  She's the only mom sitting on a blanket in the parking lot cuddling with a man.

Ben arrives and I guess this is the first she's ever seen him? I'm confused by this meeting. Hasn't she been home for a few days? I don't want to dwell on this, but I'm lost.

ALSO, WHY IS BEN WEARING PINK SOCKS WITH HIS JERSEY?
And. At this point, I'm super supportive of Renee finding a man to be Ben's step-father. He should not have on pink socks. I mean, unless he's really into breast cancer awareness or something.

Instead of warming up with his team, Ben has to hang in the parking lot with his mom's creepy boyfriend. : (

Ben made a diving catch and then the game was over, so they headed over to Renee's family house.

"Did you meet the coach?" --Renee's Mom
"No, but I saw him." -- Renee
Not the same. 

Also, during this conversation Renee learns that Ben has been making bracelets since she's been gone and she realizes she's missed out on a lot.

Mom sits down with JP and asks about the chemistry. She looks very uncomfortable.

Then, Mom heads up to talk to Renee. She's looking for that sparkle in her eyes. She just wants her to be happy and IN LOVE.

"... and more so, I want you to be in love... because, we can love our pets, but I want you to be in love with the man you want to be with." -- Mom
THIS. 

"Everything has been very easy and natural." -- Renee
Say, who?
RENEE. 
This is not easy and it sure as hell isn't natural. 

Renee sits down with her dad and her dad can "see the glow." He hasn't seen that in a long time.
Renee is into it. She wants a step-dad for Ben.

Her heart is on the line. She doesn't want to feel heartbreak.

They kissed and said thank you a lot. Like, dozens of thank yous.

Renee says it didn't flow and it didn't come out. She didn't tell him she was in love. She wanted to tell him, but she didn't. She's frustrated.

If you're keeping score at home, JP is the first bachelor in history to be 0-3 on "I love you" at the end of hometown dates.

-----

We're headed to Clare's hometown. Sac-town.

She takes him to a rose garden.

"I have a good time and I smile when I am with her." -- JP
I smile when I go to the dentist, this means nothing. 

JP is ready to go with the flow. He's ready to see why she is the way she is.

To get fancy for the evening, JP throws on a button-down over his very gray t-shirt. He's going to meet five sisters and a mom. He should've tried a little harder, I think.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: CLARE'S FAMILY DOES NOT LOOK LIKE HER.
We can leave it at that.

There are too many sisters to like, keep up with this. I haven't exactly figured out which one is the mom.

Somehow, one of the sisters has figured out about the "swimming." All the "swimming" that happened in Vietnam. So, like, she knows about the "swimming."

SWIMMING, IN THIS CASE, IS CODE FOR SEX.
She knows about the sex.

One of the sisters pulls Clare outside almost immediately. She is happy and sister knows that, she can see it on her face.

Clare reveals that she would say "yes" in a heartbeat. IN A HEARTBEAT.

Two of the other sisters have pulled JP aside.
I think there are still other sisters inside.

JP pulls the dad card on these gUrls and like, RUDE.

"Someday, I want Camila to say, 'my dad was this, this, this.'" --JP
USE REAL WORDS. WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO THINK?

Clare sits down with another sister and mom. Other sister wants to know how hurt she'll be if she isn't chosen. Clare says it's okay if that happens. SHE IS LYING.

Sister knows how this show works and she knows that sometimes, the guys ask for a marital blessing at this point in the show. Sister says they are not ready for that yet. Mom is sitting right there and she hasn't said a word. Clare isn't doing anything because it's a show.

Clare just wants them to want happiness for her.

Sister stands up and gets up in Clare's face.

"You're not respecting mama." -- Sister
Mama hasn't said a word yet. 

It's getting kind of weird.
Clare agrees that it is getting weird.

Sister gets up and stands in the dark to listen to the conversation.

Clare finally asks her mom, kind of, if she can fall in love and get married? Actually, I have no idea what she asked. Mom didn't get a chance to answer because sister kept interrupting.

EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING, "MAMA."
I don't like this.

WHERE IS JUAN PABLO?

Clare cries to another sister. She doesn't deserve to have this taken from her. I'm not sure what is being taken from her. She's already lost all of her pride.

They said "mama" again.

"Mama" tally: 769

Crazy sister wants to be involved in JP's convo with mama. JP calms Clare down and is NOT scared of sister.

At this point, MAMA, still has not uttered a single word this entire time.
Real question: can mama hear?

Everyone says, "family is our thing." Like, what person in all the world, wouldn't agree with that?

Oh. Sister leaves and now Mama is talking and she's speaking Spanish. They come from a religious family. Something, something. She says she trusts Juan Pablo and I'm like...WHAAAAAAAT.
She says she would be very happy to have JP in the family, but knows it's up to him.

This is all a lot.

I thought JP was leaving, but first they go sit on a bench and kiss. Clare doesn't want JP to leave. Now, he's leaving. Clare is crying. Kissing by the car.

We learn that Clare would ABSOLUTELY LOVE to marry him. She says it 189 times. So many times. When you say it that many times, it sounds more crazy than sincere. Repeating yourself over and over again doesn't clarify the statement.

CLARE DOES NOT TELL JUAN PABLO SHE IS IN LOVE.

THERE WERE NO "I LOVE YOU" MOMENTS DURING ANY HOMETOWN GOODBYE SCENES.

-----

FUN AND GAMES ARE OVER. WE'RE BACK IN MIAMI AND IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY.

Juan Pablo comes out dressed in all black. It's like he knows this has been a total funeral for everyone.

Three roses, four ladies.
The **~~DrAMa~~**

LADIES, JUAN PABLO THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT.
ANDI GETS THE ROSE OVER RENEE.

Juan Pablo is crying, because he's very dumb.
That is all I can say at this point.
He's very dumb.

JP sits down with Renee to talk it out.
She finally tells him that she fell in love with him, but it's okay, because (TO TOTALLY TAKE ONE FROM ALADDIN), he totally opened up her eyes to a WHOLE NEW WORLD.

Nothing happens. Hugs. Respect. Holding hands as they walk out. Which, the hand holding after the break-up has always just been odd to me. You break-up with me, I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOU. DON'T HOLD MY HAND, ASSHOLE.

In the limo, Renee tells us that she wanted this more than anything. She understands that maybe, he likes the other gUrls more. Because, this is a TV show.

"I want Ben to see what love is." -- Renee
My only advice is to tell you: DO NOT LET HIM WATCH EVEN HALF OF A SECOND OF THIS SHOW. 

Why do people in the limo always tell us that, "I have a lot of love to give." Like, what? I guess, I do, too. But, I think almost everyone is capable of giving a lot of love. IDK. Dogs have a lot of love to give, too. DOGS. DOGS.

IDK.

We have to do this again tonight. I hope my computer breaks in the next 12 hours.

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 7.

Party in the city where the heat is on
All night, on the beach till the break of dawnWelcome to MiamiBuenvenidos a Miami

It's all coming up tonight, on The Bachelor. 

The first thing JP wants to do is see his family. He's ditched the Maserati for a Jeep Patriot. I don't think they make those anymore. 

JP interrupts Camilla's coloring time by whistling obnoxiously like a dog for her to hear and come running. This is a great thing to teach your young child. And it's probably very good for the grocery store, too, if you get separated. 

The gUrls are staying where Kim and Kourtney took Miami, so it's pretty cool. 

JP's brother has adult braces and is getting the low-down on the ladies. JP is dishing on these ladies like he is a lil' lady himself. 

JP shows up to the hotel suite very unexpectedly and purposely. And he wants to Sharleen get ready, right there on the spot, so she can "sea" the city. Clare doesn't think Sharleen reacted the way she should've to getting this date, but Sharleen is VERY confused right now. She's missing that cerebral connection. Which, means BRAIN CONNECTION. She's missing the brain connection.

"What IS Sharleen?" -- Clare

Honestly, rudest thing I've ever heard anyone say on this show. 

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!

Here I am in the place where I come let go
Miami the base and the sunset glow
Everyday like a mardi gras, everybody party all day
No work all play, okay

JP takes Sharleen to a huge ass yacht (HAY). Sharleen thinks today is the day that she should know if she loves him. Baby gUrl, you're on P. Diddy's yacht, you don't have to love him RIGHT NOW. Just be a Kardashian for a minute. 

Sharleen feels like they "don't get each other" and JP tells her to loosen up. 

I feel sad because purple linen shorts with a teal top.

Sharleen has trouble NOT kissing Juan Pablo, I'm assuming that's because it's easier to kiss him than talk to him. (Oh, nailed it! Zing!)

Not one thing has happened on this HAY past getting on the boat and making out. 

They get off the boat and I think they went to a sandbar by the airport, because I can hear airplanes. 

Sharleen puts opera singing before EVERYTHING else, but she's ready for change because she can deal with change, she'd handle changes many times. She's into change. 

I guess, she's willing to change her career? IDK.

You know what she needs to change? That bathing suit. 

This date is still happening. And they head back to the HAY. 

Sharleen has a flicker in her heart, but she still needs a mental connection. 

She has to find that mental connection tonight. I really hope she brought an English to Spanish dictionary.

"You're good at not trying to impress me." -- JP

This is not a compliment. At all. 

So far, the mental connection is just kissing.

You know who will be VERY upset when she watches this? Clare and Camilla. Camilla isn't supposed to see Daddy do this.

Sharleen thinks she can introduce JP to her family. She thinks it could work. 

"I wish I was dumber." -- Sharleen

This is her way of saying, IF I WASN'T SO SMART, THIS WOULD SOOOOOO WORK.

I'm not sure JP has any idea what is happening, so he's like, just kissing her. 

Sharleen is hearing voices. They are saying: THIS IS NOT RIGHT. 

I've never in my life thought, "I wish I was dumber." Maybe I've thought, "I wish I wouldn't share so much knowledge with people about Gerald Ford, when they make a joke about going to the Betty Ford Center," but I've never wanted to be less smart. 

This G has a problem.

Of course, Sharleen comes home and Renee is sitting around like a fun, cool mom waiting on her, ready to talk. 

"Time is irrelevant." -- Renee

OY. 

Renee tells Sharleen that if she left right now, SHE WOULD REGRET IT FOREVER. 

FOREVER.

FOR. EVER.

Sharleen doesn't know what to do.

----

Today is Nikki's date!!!!!! No one is more excited than Nikki and nurses everywhere.

She is absolutely falling in love with Juan Pablo. 

She wants to do what's right. 

JP is taking Nikki to Camilla's dance recital. 

I am very confused by this, BECAUSE. 

Not only is this his Forever Valentine, but his ex will be there, too. 

This is the best thing I've ever seen on television. 

He cut off that car in traffic like WHAT. 

That Jeep Patriot though.

That flower arrangement is WHACK. 

I am the world's worst gUrl and I can recognize what a shit arrangement that is AND I'm pretty sure I could arrange a better one with stuff from a gas station. He paid real money for that. 

If there's a sure-fire way to take every bit of attention off a young gUrl and her dance classmates during a recital it is this. And let me tell you, it's hard to take the attention off of a bunch of small dancers. 

Camilla has a solo, so I'm assuming ABC arranged this somehow. I am not stupid. You don't get solos during dance recitals. I was in a dance recital once and trust me, I wanted a solo. 

JP gave that ugly ass arrangement to his daughter and then told him to give them to her mom, his ex-girlfriend. WHAT?

Tomorrow is the ex's burrday. Nikki wished her a happy burrday and then Nikki realized this could be her life. 

You know what is the most sad out of all of this? They are making that poor, innocent child eat BAKED! Cheetos. BAKED. The kid is a kid and kid's need Cheetos, the bad ones. 

Also. After all that about kissing and being a parent and blahblah, is this really what just happened? That dance recital took 14 minutes. He could've gone on the date afterward, right? I just can't.

JP is taking Nikki to his "office," which happens to be at Marlins Park. I'm not even mad that he got to drive up there like that, because no team needs exposure as bad as the Marlins. Nikki seems shocked that the stadium is empty, but like, it's always empty. Even when the Marlins are playing. 

Okay. Let's talk about Nikki's outfit. 

I don't know. 

Just, I'm real glad she didn't wear that to dance recital. 

That shirt. That shirt. That shirt. 

Only a gUrl with two Ks and an I would roll up to a date in that shirt. 

Nikki is concerned about the ex, Carla. 

JP says she is totally okay with all of this, "She's fine. This is normal to us."

"If the moon and the sky want us to be together, then this is how it is." -- JP

Who?

The sky don't give half a shit about you being with anyone.

Listen, maybe Carla is a chill ass chick and they work together well because they have a kid, but Carla was NOT enthused about being on this show. I know a pissy gUrl when I see one. 

Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo. 

"The rest of my life I want a forever." -- Nikki

She's been listening to Juan Pablo talk too much, because that wasn't a sentence.

-----

Sharleen has made a decision. 

Her hair looks BANGIN'.

"Why are you fancy?" -- Everyone, to Sharleen

Sharleen feels super conflicted, she doesn't want to take a hometown spot away from someone, so she's leaving tonight. 

She is sad. It's taking all of her will power to do this. 

The other ladies are shocked, but duh, no one tried to talk her out of this. 

She heads to JP's door and he's wearing the token Bachelor hoodie. 

She starts talking and JP interrupts (TYPICAL) and she's all, SHUT UP. 

She starts whispering. And I mean WHISPERING.

She says she cannot get to a proposal in 3 weeks. 

She feels some way, but does not really clarify what those feelings are exactly. 

He is wearing blue sweatpants and a blue hoodie. 

So much blue sweats.

Is this a breakup or a conversation?

I JUST PUT THE CLOSED-CAPTIONING ON.

[SNIFFLES]

"If you would not come here, I would not meet you."

Can he really not figure out how to say that? I mean.

You're different in a good way. " -- JP

OY.

JP is upset. He's also wearing flip-flops that you wear after a pedicure. 

JP was going to give her a hometown date. JP cries to the camera and gives a weird speech about appreciation and honesty. 

Sharleen gets in a cab. NOT A LIMO. 

"I wish I didn't always have to make choices." -- Sharleen

Said the adult.

Sharleen doesn't think JP has what she is looking for, in terms of a forever. 

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!

Everytime the ladies pass, they be like (Hi Will)

Can y'all feel me, all ages and racesReal sweet facesEvery different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, JamaicanBlack, White, Cuban, and AsianI only came for two days of playingBut everytime I come I always wind up stayinThis the type of town I could spend a few days inMiami the city that keeps the roof blazin

Sharleen be like, BYE, so these ladies know they are even closer to getting a hometown date. 

Andi wants to just hold it together, but she knows that probably won't happen. 
At this point, I really want her to hold it together.

JP picks up everyone in a seaplane, instead of his Jeep Patriot.

He wants quality one-on-one time. But, he's on a group date. 

They go to a beach and JP lets them know that he's going to give out a rose during the day and the recipient will get a date later that evening. 

The science educator then explains this further to the rest of us. 

This is usually Chrissy Poo's job, so I hope I understand the rules. 

Chelsie gets her time with JP and reads a bunch of notes from her mom.
Basically, her mom gives her to the best advice ever given to anyone on a show. 
Don't drink too much, keep your clothes on. GO MOM.

Andi actually tells JP she's getting ready for a breakdown. 
This is when I wish she could text her gUrls and tell them this. 
You always gotta text your Gs when you're about to breakdown. 

Andi is scared to let JP meet her family if there are no certainties. 
She's all, "I don't want to bring you into my family's life, if I don't know the future."
And I'm all: THEY ARE GOING TO FAKE EAT ITALIAN FOOD WITH THIS MAN FOR 45 MINUTES. THEY WILL BE FINE.

Clare is stressing about getting that rose and the extra date.

"He'll pick whoever he wants to spend time with, you know?" -- Clare
Yes, Clare. I do know that. 

Clare gets her time with JP and he wants to know who he is going to meet at home. 

Everyone is all: I don't want you to meet my family, because IDK.
And I'm all: don't ask the guy to be in your sister's wedding photos. Just go to dinner and like, ask basic questions about childhood. 

JP, of course, says he wants to meet Clare's dad. Um. He's not alive, so that's kind of rude. 
I guess Clare's dad made a video for the man who might want to marry Clare. It's in a bank vault and no one has ever seen it. 

It's raining. 
ROSE TIME.

ANDI GETS THE ROSE.
SHOCKER.

It's like JP knew she really needed that.

"I deserve something amazing and wonderful. ... It doesn't make sense to me." -- Clare
This shouldn't be her reaction. 

She thinks she's really put herself out there and the gUrls who are getting JP's attention are the gUrls who are also acting like normal gUrls and have a few doubts.

I think we have reached the point of the show where Clare has figured out this is a competition, too.
And baby gUrl wants to win.
You don't frolic in the ocean in Vietnam to not win.

JP takes Andi to some club and makes Andi dance on a stage. He just got up in the middle of some performance and made her dance. There are other gUrls dancing, but it's all very weird. The other gUrls looked like they were at some church group/bachelorette party. There were no other couples on stage.

The other gUrls get back to the suite and Clare can't help but feel disappointed.

They tell Nikki what happened and everyone is kind of giggling and recognizing that it kind of sucks and is kind of awkward.

CLARE IS MAD, but she is NOT checked out.

Whatever Clare said made Nikki MAD, too, so she DID check out.

Clare is not okay with being disrespected.

We have now reached the point of the show where someone has been not at all disrespected, but feels disrespected.

Nikki felt like the conversation was about to turn sour, so she got up and left to avoid talking about others.

Clare is mad because Nikki thinks this is all fun and games.
Nikki asks Clare to excuse herself from her room.

"This is not your room." -- Clare
"It's not? Did you sleep in here?" -- Nikki
"No, did you pay for it?"
"No, did you?"
"No. So, it's neither of our rooms. It's open space."

We have reached the point of the show where it gets even worse than it was.
Clare just told Nikki she couldn't have personal space, because ABC paid for that hotel suite, not her.

This is where I wish I was dead.

"Clare is like a dog, she peed on him first, like she claimed her territory. But, she claimed some territory that might not be her's." -- Nikki
I think what makes me most sad about this situation is that I've heard other gUrls, in my real life, talking like this before and they were discussing gUrls that met guys at church. : (

That whole conversation was like, real dumb.
Honestly, I think my brother and I had that conversation A LOT when I wanted him to leave my room.

-----
 PRE-PARTY ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!

"I need this guy to see my hometown." -- Chelsie
This is something I have honestly never said out loud. 

Chelsie is stressed about the Nikki-Clare situation.

The conversation turns to: jewelry you wear all the time.
This is a conversation I could actively participate in because I wear the same pair of earrings every single day.

"If JP goes to Clare's hometown, she has a giant-crazy family to meet. She didn't get crazy on her own." -- Nikki
This isn't always a fair observation. 

Nikki is not nervous, even though she doesn't have a rose.
She's ready to get this over with so she can take her "boyfriend" home to meet her family.

Chelsie and Clare don't want Nikki to get a rose.
They are not excited that she is still here.

Bored.
Awkward.

Renee thinks Nikki is a mannequin.

JP joins in on the WORST PARTY EVER.

Finally, Chrissy Poo swoops in and pulls JP aside.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yo I heard the rainstorms ain't nothin to mess with
But I can't feel a drip on the strip, it's a trip
Ladies half-dressed, fully equipped
And they be screamin out, (Will we loved your last hit)

Chrissy tells everyone that the roses represent each of their hometowns.

This is so dramatic.

I wonder if Chris writes his own scripts. I bet he does. 

JP honestly speaks like a cartoon character. 

He says, "AYYYYYYY" all the time. 

"It's horrible being here right now." -- JP

FINALLY. SOMEONE SAID WHAT WE ARE ALL THINKING.

Nikki gets the first rose.

(dramatic music)
(deep breaths)

Clare gets the second rose.

(dramatic music, crescendo)

RENEE GETS THE FINAL ROSE.

Chelsie, be like, AYYYYYYY.
Say dem goodbyes, Science Educator!

JP is crying. Like, crying.
This is crap.

Clare thinks JP made, "such a mistake."

Chelsie wants JP and herself to have the "best match out there."

LIMO OF SADNESS AND HEARTACHE.

I like that JP has kept older women around. People closer to his age and maybe a little more ready for step-motherhood.

He cries so much.
He thinks he's tricking me, but he is not tricking me.
I don't think he's that into this whole process and that he feels that bad.

------

Next week we get TWO NIGHTS of Hell.
We have to watch "double the romance" and "double the drama."

I'd rather live in a gas station than watch two episodes of this next week.

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 6.

Wild horrrrrrses couldn't drag me to New Zealand for this guy.

Real pretty though.

"It's a beautiful place with rivers and mountains." -- JP
So many words. 

The ladies are in New Zealand and they pretty into it.

Cassandra thinks it is weird and selfish to be in New Zealand, which I admire her for having feelings.

"Guys, we are in New Zealand." -- EVERYONE

Clare is still pretty upset about what happened in Vietnam, which YEAH. She gave it up, he took it and then scolded her.

Andi gets the one-on-one date and is invited to "heat things up."

Cassandra is upset that she doesn't have the one-on-one. She spent A LONG TIME (like, 2 years) not dating and now she is dating and she did NOT come here to iron. Of course, she's explaining all of this to Renee. I feel bad for Renee, she has to deal with every single one of these morons problems.

-----

Andi is explaining the group's collective feelings like those of a volcano: BUBBLING, HIGH TENSION.

"Andi's got it going on." -- JP

JP takes Andi on the world's fastest riverboat cruise. This is not your grandmother's riverboat.

"I'm riding on this jet boat with Andi." --JP, describing the date
Very accurate, JP.

The boat slows down and everyone observes that it's raining, BUT THE RAIN IS THE LAST OF THEIR WORRIES. THEY ARE GOING SWIMMING. Wah-wah.

Andi, the classiest lady to ever be on this show is wearing a one-piece. It's not from Land's End or anything, she looks totally normal and cute.

Andi thinks they are going to a hot spring, but not she's wondering where he is taking her. She can't be that worried. There's a camera ahead of her.

I'm wondering if this water is stagnant. And are they wearing shoes?

JP continues to lead her into the woods/water and suddenly, FERN GULLY.

It's a hot waterfall! They kiss under the waterfall. And. That was it. Oh, the classic straddle. After that, that was it.

They leave the waterfall (and the rivers and the lakes they used to know) and head to dinner on top of a geyser. JP tries to feed her food, which is the first time I've seen him eat on one of these dinner dates.

The geyser completely ruined the dinner and they are soaking wet, so they leave. I'm just wondering what they thought would happen? I can't think of a worse place to try and have dinner. Minus: underwater, on top of a moving vehicle, at an Applebee's.

Andi don't care that her dinner is ruined, she cares about the company. I care that JP is wearing that scarf like a woman. Plus, a turtleneck. It's a lot. I think that scarf is silk.

The number one thing JP wants in life is LOVE and KIDS, that's why he is there.

PRAISE REPORT: the geyser did not ruin the rose. Andi gets the rose.

Kissing.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

It's Cassandra's 22nd burrday. 22?! That can't be real.

JP is taking the ladies on a picnic and they are toasting with hot water? Coffee? Tea? And if I'm Cassandra I'm mad. I want a drAnk on my burrday.

The science educator steals JP and JP tells the ladies to, "look at the cows."

JP walks the ladies over a hill and they learn that their "adventure" for the day is going to be THROWING UP. They have to roll down the hill in giant balls and bikinis. Not sure why the bikinis are necessary. Oh, there's water in there?

Apparently this is called: OGO.

More like: OHNO.
(Nailed it.)

Everyone seems to be enjoying this activity, especially Nikki because she got some kisses in the OGO.

**Winter weather advisory, I have no idea if I missed anything.**

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

The group heads to Hobbiton, where "Lord of the Rings" was filmed. (SHOUT OUT TO KATHAR!!!!!!!!!!!)

JP pulls Renee aside and I couldn't understand anything he says other than, "a lot."

Renee takes over and tells JP that she is excited that there are guys out there who don't look at her as a part of a package. She is happy. JP is happy. Kissing. BUT, THE KIDS?!

Renee loooooooovvvvveeessssss kissing Juan Pablo, she'd love to kiss him for the rest of her life.

JP takes a photo. It's blurry.

Now, Nikki gets some time and JP takes her to the exact same bench. She's wearing a sequin skirt and wants to express her feelings, but she's not good with feelings, so comfort zone.

Nikki is scared because she is falling for him and her natural reaction is pull back, but irony because she's wearing a sequin skirt. People who want to pull back don't wear sequins.

Kissing.

The gUrls not currently on that bench outside are breaking down the difference between getting a rose on a group date versus getting a rose during the ROSE CEREMONY.

Shockingly, Sharleen is questioning her feelings. She heads to that same bench, but JP switches sides to make things a little different. Sharleen can barely say hello before he kisses her and she calls him out on it, but they kiss some more. He's in a very kissy mood tonight. Sharleen pulls away again.

"How do you think I'm feeling right now?" -- Sharleen
ITZ A TRAP, JP!!!!!!

I guess JP nailed the answer, but I bet he had no idea what "inorganic" meant. More kissing.

Back inside, the burrday party for the 22-year-old has started. She blows out a candle from the New Zealand version of Bath and Body Works. : (

We finally get our first LOTR impression and Cassandra finally gets her time alone with JP. I think they head to the same bench.  How is there not another bench on this property? Hobbits don't do benches? I have to be honest, I have NO knowledge of hobbits.

Cassandra really appreciates JP. Before this, she was so content to just be 21 and be a mom. But, now she's 22 and she has more love to give. She's excited to be there and she thinks JP is really genuine. There was no kissing.

Renee is rooting for Cassandra. But, Sharleen gets the rose?! Must've been that fringe Kim Kardashian one-piece from earlier that sealed the deal.

JP pulls Cassandra aside and, well. We know what is about to happen.

It's raining.

JP is about to let this fish go.
JP is releasing Cassie back into the wild.
JP is dumping the 22-year-old former NBA dancer.

JP is wearing a Members Only jacket.

He tells Cassandra that she can't wait one more day to see her son, but like, New Zealand is FAR. Like, far. So, it could actually be a couple of days.

I think he handled that well. There was no connection, so he put her in that mini-van of doom and bid her adieu!

Have you ever seen a manlier umbrella? Where do you get a clear umbrella?

I don't want to hate on Cassie gUrl, but she keeps saying, "I've been waiting so long." SHE IS 22. Heartache hurts at all ages, sure. But, if you're 22, you haven't been waiting that long for love.

What is this music?

JP explains to the ladies that he didn't see a future with Cassandra and he wanted her to go home AS SOON AS POSSIBLE to see her son. He sure uses his kid and other kids as excuses a lot.

WHAT IS THAT SLEEPING CAT???????

The music, still.

-----
Baby lambs! We will wear them as fleece soon!!!!!!!

IT IS TIME FOR CLARE'S ONE-ON-ONE, BUT NOT BEFORE JP CAN FACETIME WITH THIS ETERNAL VALENTINE.

The Eternal Valentine is putting on some sort of one-gUrl talent show, but JP's mind is elsewhere.

Clare is gearing up for the date and she's nervous, because THE SEX.

Clare is ready for an apology, but maybe she doesn't even want to date JP.

JP takes her a walk to some rocks and they begin their talk.

JP says that Clare just "didn't understand" what he was trying to say. UM. Yeah, right. She understood. You called her a slut and told her she wasn't good enough for your daughter, dude!

JP also says there was no way he could say no because she would've been sad. NOT OKAY.

Clare needs more answers, she wants to know boundaries. JP doesn't hold hands, kiss or spend the night in front of Camilla. Clare doesn't understand because she didn't do anything ACTUALLY IN FRONT of Camilla.

They kiss.
I'm lost.

Clare, clearly needs more than just boundaries. They have a boundary talk and then make out. Those rocks have to be uncomfortable.

JP says he "knows" Clare and I think he means in the biblical sense. Actually, I know that is what he means!!!!!!!!

So, to further the talk and not confuse any boundary lines, JP takes Clare to dinner in a (presumably his?) hotel suite. I HATE THESE BLURRRRRED LINES. 

Clare is trying to explain to JP that when conflict comes around she usually "bolts." Juan Pablo is LOST.

"Bold? Bol-t? Bolt?" -- JP

Clare thinks JP handled all of this like a man and right now, I think she's trying to just nail this guy down. I don't think she means that. LIKE, REALLY?

Suddenly, she decides to tell JP that she really like casual, comfy dinners and not formal dinners. So, then, because BOUNDARIES, JP asks Clare to slip into something more comfortable.

I HATE THESE BLURRED LINES.
E'ERYBODY GET UP!

JP goes on and on about how hot Clare is and how he just can't handle it and then he gives her the rose. Then, he puts on a song!

CLARE LOVES THIS SONG.
The song is, "No Better Lovers," by Josh Krajcik.

I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, heyYou wanna hug meHey, hey, heyWhat rhymes with hug me?Hey, hey, hey


-----
More baby lambs for fleece!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP feels fantastic and he thinks he's on the right track. He doesn't want to make mistakes. He's not here to hurt anybody, but like. IDK, boi. IDK.

Oh! Chris Harrison! Look who still has a job.

"I know I have to think a lot." -- JP

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

JP meets up with the ladies and everyone is quiet. There's a lot of leather. And some sexy music.

These gUrls are not here to mess around. The games are over.

He pulls Nikki aside and she feels anxious. No one who feels anxious would wear that dress.

"I like you a lot." -- Nikki
"How come?" -- JP
"I just do." -- Nikki
Depth.

"How much is a lot?" -- Nikki
"More than a little." -- JP
Juan Pablo's grasp of the English language is just outstanding.

Kissing.

Juan Pablo is floored that Nikki JUST STRAIGHT UP SAID, "I LIKE YOU A LOT." HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK, SHE JUST SAID IT. THIS IS NEW TERRITORY.

Renee is worried because she is the only single mom left and JP picked up on that and asks her if she is worried. She tells him that she is, in fact, worried. JP ain't worried. He's hypnotized by her. KISSING.

Kat and Chelsie, the Science Educator, are worried and they can tell this week is different.

Chelsie should probably take that coat off if she wants to give off the, "I want to be here vibe."

The Science Educator is also explaining English to JP by way of the word, frazzled.
After that, she goes on and on and on about some guy that didn't want something and now she wants a guy who is excited. She sees potential and wants to stick around, but not enough to take that coat off.

She talked so much. JP could barely keep up, you could tell because his eyes couldn't even follow her.

Kat gets her time with JP and she reveals to him that she's been "journaling."
OY.

She lets him know that she's never been "aggressive" or "forward" with guys and it's not the rejection side of it, it's the disappointment. I think, it's the same thing here, gUrl. Because, like being rejected usually leads to disappointment, so in this case: same thing. I promise you, Juan Pablo is more confused than he's ever been because he too, thinks rejection and disappointment are equal.

Then, she reveals that she has daddy issues.

Something about risk versus reward.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo shows his pretty little face to the ladies for the first time, like EVER. He explains to the ladies that tonight is going to be TOUGH. So tough that, no rose means ON A PLANE TO THE UNITED STATES IMMEDIATELY.

"Pleased about having such a good group of woman in front of me." -- JP
Not really a sentence. 

Everyone is wearing black save Nikki.

LADIES, JUAN PABLO, THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT, WHEN YOU'RE READY.
It's between the Science Educator and Kat.

CHELSIE, THE SCIENCE EDUCATOR, GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat will be whisked away to a plane and the United States IMMEDIATELY. The ladies seem bummed, JP takes her hand and leads her to the limo of sadness and rejection/disappointment.

That limo is pulling away very slowly, right as she is saying, "I just couldn't get up to speed with the rest of the ladies." THE EDITING ON THIS SHOW CONTINUES TO BLOW ME AWAY.

"The problem is that my whole life I've been told how great I am and what a catch I am." -- Kat
Very interesting that she thinks that is the problem.
To be very honest, more than one person has told me that before and I'm still single. I don't think people encouraging me is the problem. It's a different problem. 

Sharleen feels sad because she can see other gUrls here being better off for JP.

"What can I say about next destination? It's a place, warm." -- JP
: (

They are headed to Miami!!!!!!!!!!

Hopes for Miami: Will Smith, maybe a Kardashian, something with old people at a retirement home.

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 5.

At this time last week we were promised an exciting trip to Vietnam! You know who else went on an "exciting" trip to Vietnam? Probably your dad and a bunch of his buddies. In 30 years, will my kids be offered exciting trips to Iraq?

We meet up with JP and he's in a boat. There are 11 gUrls left and he wants to make the right decisions AT ALL TIMES. He probably should've started by not accepting an invitation to be the Bachelor.

"Korea had it's beauty, but this is like nature." -- Clare
Oh. There's a difference. 

Renee gets the one-on-one date and we will find out if JP and Renee are the right FIT. They are probably doing some terrible workout video or something. : (

Renee reminds us that single parents don't kiss.

-----

"It's going to be a great day for her." -- JP, about Renee
CONFIDENCE. 

The two hop on a pedi cab and head to a dress shop. The "fit" comment on the date card referred to a dress fitting and NOT a Vietnamese workout video. This is good news and bad. I was looking forward to seeing that.

JP thinks he's taking care of Renee by getting her fitted for this dress. He does this by "buying" a fan for her.

They take a lot of selfies.

Then, they buy the kiddies some gifts. A cheap dress and a cheap hat.

They get on a boat and drink a baby beer. Like, where do you get that small amount of beer?

"Custom made fit dress." -- JP
Yeah, that is exactly how you say it. 

Renee appears in the custom made fit dress and JP says she is cute and gives her a little spin. They head to dinner and Renee seems to be SHOCKED at the fact that there is a table there set for JUST TWO PEOPLE.

JP asks for info on Renee's baby daddy. She says the relationship is great. Everyone on this show operates above the national average, I guess. No one has a crap relationship with their ex? I'm proud of these people. Everyone had a baby with their BFF and now they just raise that child in a harmonious co-parenting dreamworld!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renee asks JP if people ever thought of him and his child as a "package"? Then, JP gives her a pep talk about finding a man that wants a kid. He also looks into her eyes and see himself. I really hope he likes her for many, many other reasons besides the fact that she is a mother.

"I like it, I like it a lot." -- JP
I think he meant to say YOU here, but he said IT and I don't know what he likes. 

Renee gets the rose.

This is where a Vietnamese country singer should serenade them at a private concert.
INSTEAD, they encounter some small children selling fire and cardboard. Perfect combination.

JP says he wants to kiss her, but he doesn't want her son to see this.

Listen, JP, I get it and I respect your descision. BUT, RESPECTFULLY-- WHY IS SHE GOING TO LET HER SON WATCH THIS???????? WHY? THAT WOULD JUST BE WEIRD. JUST WEIRD. So, calm down and kiss the chick, so she doesn't feel like some Walmart greeter that you just wave at to be nice already!!!!!!!!!!

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!

We got a lot (and I mean, A LOT) of ladies wearing some Urban Outfitter jorts. They be short.

Chelsie, is a science educator, so she was the first to figure out that "go with the flow" meant doing something on the water. Prayerfully, I would also hope she figured that out by looking at a map and noticing how much of Vietnam is located RIGHT NEXT TO WATER.

JP has set everyone up with "circle bamboo boat" which is a very traditional boat in Vietnam. These boats are so traditional that they've been called "circle bamboo boats" for over a billion years.

He told everyone to pick a partner and Clare, being the smartest, didn't have a buddy to get with, so she gets JP as a partner. JP is terrible at driving the CIRCLE BAMBOO BOAT, so he floats it into a tree so he can kiss her. Good thing Clare doesn't have a kid. If she did, he could NOT kiss her.

At this point, everyone be mad. They feel like JP is on a one-on-one date RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. If I were them, I would just be happy to be out of those death traps and back on land. Like, count your blessings.

Chelsie said she had a really good date with Alli and she's being passive aggressive, for those of you who aren't picking up on that.

JP just "happens" upon a random house and this family "volunteers" to "cook" dinner for them. This is not a TV show, so this all very spontaneous.

Everyone puts on a hat. Because, the hats are very traditional.

Alli has a convo in the garden with JP and she feels better.

Everyone heads in for dinner and Clare is shocked that they are going to have a "real meal."

These people should be drinking more water. They are losing a lot of water by sweating, so please hydrate.

The gUrls are mad at Clare.

"I'm not going to change how I am or who I am because of what other people think or want or feel. I'm just going to be CLARE." -- Clare
This was Clare's way of saying, I AM GOING TO DO ME. 
Play on, playa!
(JP, playa meaning, player NOT beach in Spanish.)

We are still on the group date, but everyone has changed into something a little more fancy!!!!!!!

The ladies are finally able to drink some booze. And they need it. JP pulls Clare aside before he can even toast the rest of the ladies.

I really want to give a SHOUT OUT to these ladies trying to have straight hair in Vietnam. Keep shooting for the moon! Even if you miss, you'll just have really frizzy hair on national television.

Clare asks what JP is looking for in a woman. She asks this on date 89. JP tells her not to worry, she has it.

DogLover is concerned that Clare has let JP head to second base already. Which, this could be true, because she is not a mother.

JP takes Clare to his suite and they get in his pool and make out. I mean, props to JP for finding a lady and going after it, but like, he's still on this show thing and he needs to pretend that he hasn't already picked out his gUrl.

In a real moment of class, they both say, "NO KISSING" as they straddle each other in the kiddie pool of his hotel suite.

JP gets his clothes back on and takes Sharleen to the beach. I don't know how that dress stays on her body.

JP tells Sharleen that he wanted to see her.

"I need to believe that he sees me as a Panda in a room full of Brown bears." -- Sharleen
This is newest, freshest analogy I have ever heard. 
I have NO idea what it means. 

JP kisses Sharleen because she doesn't even know if she wants kids.

Sharleen has questions she wants answers to, but JP keeps kissing her, so she forgot all of the questions.

Andi gets some time with JP and she tells him that she has doubts. He takes her to the beach and doesn't do it very gracefully, so they probably got some sand in some crevices. You have to be cautious when sitting on the beach. They kiss. A lot.

JP says the day was amazing and that conversations with everyone were amazing. THEN, HE HANDED THE ROSE TO CLARE BECAUSE SHE IS GETTING OUT OF HER COMFORT ZONE AND INTO HIS DAMN KIDDIE POOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----

AFTER GROUP DATE HOTEL GATHERING!!!

The ladies are chillin' and talking about the day. Clare tells the other gUrls that she feels "overwhelmed" because she's just like THERE, you know? So, she pulls a classic Bachelor move and tells everyone she is headed to bed. BUT, SHE TELLS US SHE HAS SOMETHING TO CHECK OFF HER BUCKET LIST: A SWIM IN A WARM OCEAN.

From my calculations they are by the South China Sea.

She heads up to JP's suite and asks him to take a swim with her.

She describes the waves as, "hot warm bath water." It's actually kind of gross to think about.

JP says the waves her wild and so were they. He is soooooooo good with words.

Clare is letting go of all of her fears. But, I bet she'll still be a baby about trying food on the street. Because.

Clare described her feelings like A BABY GIRAFFE BEING BORN.
I am still processing this, because.

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME WITH NIKKI!!!!!!

She puts her suitcase by the door and heads out in her shorts from the Baby Gap.

JP starts his date with Nikki by thinking about Clare and the warm bath water waves.

Nikki is excited to be out of the house. JP tells her to behave or she will go home. This is probably supposed to be cute, BUT IT'S TRUE.

JP and Nikki are exploring marble something. IDK. I missed it.

Nikki feels like she's on a date with her boyfriend.

JP takes her to the edge of a ravine/cave. The cave is called HELL. He wants to repel into this cave with Nikki. (REPELLING SHOUT OUT TO MAH gUrl, CRISTEN GARRETT.)

I've been repelling twice in my life. I had professionals guiding me. It was horrifying. I can't imagine doing this on television. I mean, I did it in front of a bunch of 14-year-old gUrls and it was the worst day of my life. I don't think you can make gUrls do this crap just because you're on a television show. Like, what if she did years ago and go stuck like James Franco in "127 Hours" and she had to cut off her own arm. Do they even think about that?

OH. THERE IT IS. Nikki has now compared repelling to falling in love.

They make it to the bottom and make out.

"Repelling 200 feet into THIS HELL CAVE, I don't think I would have done that for SOMEONE I WASN'T FALLING FOR." -- Nikki
You see what she did there? Nailed it. 

"Even though we're in Hell, being with Juan Pablo feels like Heaven." -- Nikki
Guys, she's killing it. 

So, someone how they got out of this cave. Which, I wanted to see because I bet it sucked.

"We had a hell of a good time." -- JP, about the cave
These people. I mean. 

Nikki is braving the Vietnam humidity and she got hair STRAIGHT. It's frizzy and she pulls it back immediately.

They are now in a different cave.

JP tells Nikki he is NOT a morning person.

"Don't talk to me in the morning!!!!" -- Nikki
"I could be a kick ass gUrlfriend." -- Nikki

JP asks Nikki about nursing and he tries 14 times to say, "pediatric."

Nikki talks about kids and nursing and hope and stuff, but I can't take her seriously after her whole not being a morning person drama.

Nikki has never dated anyone with a kid. She WAS hesitant and skeptical, but she decided not to write JP off just because he has a child. She's thought "long and hard" about what being a step-mom would be like. I would assume she watched Julia Roberts in "Stepmom" and felt like she could do that.

Nikki gets the rose.
Kissing.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY PRE-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

JP is sad because he has to send home three people home tonight.

This has changed the whole tone for the evening, because everyone forgot this is a COMPETITION.

To break the tension JP asks for a toast. Clare, not being able to read the room, decides to be the one to offer up a toast.

Andi gets some time with JP and she's worried their relationship is only physical.
She's nervous, he's not.

He asks for a kiss in Spanish. She falls for it.
TOO EASY.

Renee finally gets her kiss.
MAYBE EVERYONE FIGURED OUT THAT HER 8-YEAR-OLD SON PROBZ WON'T BE WATCHING THIS SHOW. And, I mean, they kiss on Disney movies.

The music in the background of this show feels like a Disney movie.

Renee can't handle it.
And now, she's all, "it was worth the wait."
Whatever.

FUN MUSIC REPLACED WITH DRAMATIC SAD MUSIC.

JP is starting to feel like he's making bad decisions and that he shouldn't have gone to the ocean with Clare. Because, KIDS.

He pulls Clare aside and tells her that the whole situation was "a little weird." He says it wasn't right, but "what happened, happened." He keeps saying he's trying to be AS FAIR AS POSSIBLE.

Clare is like, IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING FAIR, IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART.

JP doesn't want his daughter to see what happened. Again, that gUrl is like, FIVE. She should not be watching this show.

Clare is crying because she just heard, "YOU ARE NOT A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUNG CHILDREN."

Clare feels stupid and embarrassed, but JP is, "telling her it's OKAY."

There are a lot of mixed signals being thrown. He's all, "this was bad and you seduced me, BUT I REALLY LIKED IT."

She said there were NO mixed feelings when they were in that water. BAMSKI.

Clare is still crying. I'm over it.

"I'M JUST HAVING A MOMENT!" -- Clare, when JP asked her what was wrong
WOMEN, amiright?

JP's really mad a mess here. He tells her to "just delete it."
She says he should've said no, but he didn't. And now. KIDS COULD SEE THIS. KIDS, Y'ALL. LIKE, CHILDREN.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Andi gets the final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you didn't receive a rose, take a moment AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!!

Juan Pablo is crying. Like, tears.

Curly-haired gUrl didn't get a rose, but I don't know her name.
Oh, Danielle.

Alli put her life on hold and was hoping for the best. She's crying. But, she wants this to work out for JP. That's the way you exit a show, gUrl!

DogLover didn't even get an exit interview and I think I speak for the entire world when I say, THIS IS VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTING. VERY.

JP still has a daughter and he wants her to have good examples to look up to.