Tuesday, July 29, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : the finale.

Remember how they said this was live? LIVE, like we're watching Andi float around on a boat in the moment. OR like some assholes are in a studio somewhere watching this play out like the rest of us in our homes?

Not live, ABC.
Not live.

Then, they told me it's the dramatic ending I won't see coming.
ABC is full of shit.


Nick loves a three-quarter sleeve shirt. Nick a middle-aged woman who is worried about his arms.

Everyone is mad at Nick for being nervous.

Nick really wanted her mom to know how he feels. Andi's mom wants Nick to know that she is a lawyer and has a job. A job that is so important to her that she left it to go on this show.

"He can see my entire soul. He makes me me feel like a woman." -- Andi, to her sister
"Uh-uh. Yeah." -- Sister

Nick sits down with Dad.

"I feel the exact way about Andi that you do." -- Dad


Josh rolls up and he's "so nervous" to meet "you guys."

Everyone is just staring at Josh and you know what-- I think they're stereotyping him. And Josh hates being stereotyped. Andi's sister wants her to branch out. Andi thinks he's different and thinks he's stepped up.

I think I went to high school with Andi's brother-in-law. Can anyone confirm?

Andi's sister is trying to "grill" Josh, but she's just like, "So, you like her?" // "So, you've liked her for a few weeks?"

Dad pulls Josh aside.

"I'm ready. I've been ready for quite awhile." --Josh
"Is this a camp romance?" -- Dad

"It hasn't been all roses. We've had TOUGH conversations." -- Josh

Josh gets the blessing.



They goin' on a boat! Flippy-floppies!

"You like nice, baby." -- Josh
After all these years, that's the worst thing I've ever heard on this show. 

Josh probably had so much fun in Urban Outfitters picking out that tank.

They are very loud kissers. Very loud.

"I'm ready to write that final chapter. And write another chapter." -- Josh
Oh, sweetie. He almost had it!

Andi just asked Josh straight up, "how was that asking for a blessing?"
In my experience, the gUrl doesn't really ask that.


"The future is very bright for us." -- Josh
Precious angel only knows cliches. 

Josh keeps talking about this "connection" he has with Andi, but IDK. I. DK.

"Love means everything to me. I love my family to death." -- Josh
: /



Josh called it the "last date," because I don't think he understands anything. At all.

"There's no questions or answers that will change how I feel. RIGHT NOW." -- Josh

OH. I just noticed Josh's pink pants. He's the type of guy that is boisterous enough to not ever need to wear pink pants. He's not a pink pants type of guy.

"I really am #blessed." -- Josh

This guy made her a baseball card. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.



Riding in a Jeep with the top off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick looks very scared driving that thing on a dirt road. He probably drives a Mitsbushi Eclipse.

Andi is taking Nick to a VERY PRIVATE, SECRET lagoon. So private that no one could've possibly gotten a bottle of white wine out there.

Nick tells Andi that he made her mom cry-- IN THE GOOD WAY.

Nick wants Andi to know that he told her dad "they'd figure it out."

"It makes me feel things very deeply... it makes me feel sexy." -- Andi
She's officially felt all the feelings. 

Nick has 4 times the amount of clothes on that Andi does. He's got his three-quarter sleeve baseball tee on and her shirt is missing its entire back.

What store out there is still selling baseball tees? Like, multiple, fashion ones? I had one in middle school. And then I know Abercrombie sold them for a while. OMG. What if he stocked up on baseball tees at Abercrombie before this all started?

Nick wants to ramble. Andi wants him to ramble. I kind of want them to drown.

Andi told Nick to turn his brain off. He's starting to remind me of a sociopath.

"It's going to be all right." -- Andi
She's so comforting, y'all. 

"She's so reassuring." -- Nick

Nick just needs to write a book of poetry or something. He needs to get these feelings out without the rest of us having to suffer through this.

"I can't wait to go grocery shopping with you." -- Nick
"What would we buy?" -- Andi

THEN. The rundown of the day started.

"Leave for work at 645-7. Probably text you 'I love you' a few times, call you, maybe get some lunch. Leave for home by 530-545, maybe go to the gym together. Cook some dinner, cuddle up, watch a movie. Makeout-ISH." -- Nick

He bought her a necklace made out of sand or something?


Everyone is looking out over the water, JUST THINKING.

Nick has moved on to a wearing a tablecloth.

Josh sits down with Neil Lane. HE'S NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT RINGS BEFORE.

Andi heads on over to Nick's hotel room and the doomsday music is playing. She's either going to murder him (my vote!) or dump his ass.

Anybody who starts a serious conversation with "I don't know..." should not be allowed to have conversations with other adults. Clearly, she DOES know. She's lost all authority.

"I woke up like, the feeling is not right. It's not right. It's not what I envisioned. It's not right. Today is not right." -- Andi
So, Nick, today is going to go in your favor, because IT IS NOT RIGHT. 

"A life with you would be overanalyzing every single moment." -- Andi

Nick is not taking this well. He said a cuss word. He WAS excited. He WAS confident. He's crying.

"I feel like you took it too far." -- Nick
Never heard anyone say that before on this show. 
I wonder if Andi feels like she's breaking up with another gUrl?

And just like that, SHE GONE.
: (



Somehow, they both ended up in a van. Not just Nick.

Nick can't even talk. Which, is fine with me. I can't even listen to him anymore. Ever.

He is very upset.


So, if this is supposed to be dramatic-- it's not.
She dumped a guy before he could even get down on one knee. It's the best when they drop to a knee and the gUrl is all, "Please get up...don't do that." Not tonight, folks. Not tonight.

Josh is crying to the camera just talking about proposing. That's kind of sweet in the way that I don't give a shit.

"When I decided to give up my first love, baseball, a big reason why is because I knew a greater love existed somewhere. I knew that in order to complete my life, to complete me, I needed to find that love. ... The kind of love that people sing about in songs... and then I found you.... Andi, you are the answer to all of my prayers, you are the woman I never thought existed.... That smile makes me feel like I can do anything in the world....When I look into your eyes I see so much beauty, so much passion, I see a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with." --- Josh

"It's crazy, all of this...definitely been a journey, you know? A journey. So many ups and downs, twists and turns...it has been a struggle, a challenge. The truth is that from the first time I met you I was scared...it has taken a lot, a lot of thought for me to get here... I know that feeling...I know that feeling is LOVE. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. I'm madly in love with you. YOU'RE IT. You're the one!" -- Andi

He proposed. She said yes.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : epi 9.

Almost Paradise, knockin' on heaven's door.
PSYCH. Just another sexy three-day date epi from hell.

There was a 13-minute recap and the thing that made me the most mad was when Andi went to the beach with nothing but a towel. Like, she didn't have water, a book--NOTHING.

Then, that commercial with BachieDes came on to talk about her wedding day hair and she told the guy she wanted something, "loose and romantic." NOT A CATEGORY.


Andi feels like she's on Cloud 9 in that helicopter with Nick, because she's in the clouds. So, the analogy was spot-on. Way to use your words, gUrl.

I feel like I've seen this 100 times. I'm skipping to the part where they maybe talk.

I'm not mad at those pants or that shirt, but I'm mad that he's wearing them together.

Nick spends the first 14 minutes of dinner scratching his ankle.

"I have a childlike sense of wonder." -- Nick
That explains the pants. 

It's revealed that Nick spent some of his off time writing a fantasy children's book. Andi thought it was romantic. But, it's a children's book.

Nick is having a hard time actually SAYING, "I love you." I'm having a hard time hearing him bitch about saying it for the last 6 epis.

Nick invites himself into the "magical fantasy suite," before Andi can even get out the card. I have a feeling Andi is most looking forward to the fantasy suites. All of them.

Nick is most excited to "talk Andi's ear off for the entire night." I think we all know that is an innuendo.

Is Nick bow-legged or are his legs like, chaffed or something?

Nick posts up against a tree and tells Andi what he loves about her. It's kind of sweet. Then, he FINALLY, says, "I love you."

They get after it up against that tree, so I'm sure they'll just spend the rest of the evening talking like school gUrls!!!!!!!!!!!


It's time for the date with Josh!!!!!!!

To date, Josh and Andi have told each other 4 or 5 things. They know they both live in Atlanta and Andi's dad is a Georgia fan. Andi knows Josh played "professional" baseball and has a dog. Josh knows Andi is a lawyer. Other than that, they don't share a lot of information.

"When I'm with Josh I feel dumb and vibrant." -- Andi
OOPZ. She said, "young" not dumb.

Josh and Andi dance in the street and then find a bunch of kids playing baseball, so they play.

Josh is dressed like he's going to a business meeting and not a date on an island or where ever the hell they are.

Now, instead of talking about real things, Josh is just talking about how not cocky he is.

Andi tells Josh she took him to play baseball because she wanted him to have happy memories.

Then, Josh tells Andi he will be a GREAT dad, a GREAT dad. Something, something.

Josh says, "I love  you and you know the next person I tell 'I love you,' I want to spend the rest of my life with." He's also convinced that the two of them have already had a pretty tough relationship, but Andi isn't interested in hearing any of that. JUST KISSING. VERY LOUD KISSING.

Josh is obsessed with being pigeon-holed into being an athlete.

"I love being happy." -- Josh
That's a new one. Someone write that one down.

Andi wants to feel young and vibrant, but she appreciates Josh's maturity and appreciates his feelings.

Andi happens to find a note from ChrissyPoo. He says they can spend the night together in a room built for two along the seashore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, Josh wants to spend the night with Andi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that all of these people still try to reason their way through these fantasy suite cards. Like, I'm an adult. I know what happens in that hotel room. And you aren't just staying up talking all night.


Making out in the mini pool. Straddling.
Hoodie sans shirt.

All of those pool scenes remind me of a bad music video.

And then, that hoodie.


Listen, we know Chris ain't the one. She is not going to move to Iowa and live on a farm.
I cannot afford to give him any of my time. It's just too valuable.

They rode horses.

Chris asks her straight up about Iowa. Andi says it's a struggle.

The music is so sad.

Chris really is in love with her.
She starts crying.


Andi is trying to feel the things he's feelings.
It's not Iowa, well part of it is Iowa. She just doesn't see the foundation of "us."
No idea what that means.

Andi is kicking this guy off right now.
Poor sweet farmer boy.
He's headed back to that tractor.

"Blame it on Iowa!" -- Andi
I think she's just coined my new favorite phrase.

Chris is incredibly disappointed.

He's really nice to her about this, which is I respect. She did the right thing and didn't spend the night with him and all that jazz. Is there jazz in Iowa or do you have to drive to Chicago or something for that?

Chris says he didn't see that coming, but he's a farmer in Iowa and she's a lawyer in Atlanta who's never even been to Iowa. Did you really think this was going to end well for you, sir?

"I want to find someone who is excited to be around me everyday." -- Chris
I mean, yeah. 

And then I quit watching.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : epi 8.

Once upon a time, a seemingly smart, well-rounded gUrl went on a television show and ended up "in four places at once." What? Yeah, that's what I read on the internetS. She thinks she's in four places at once.


We head out to the city of Mil-a-wau-kee ("Wayne's World," yes?) to meet Nick and his family. 

Nick's favorite place in the city is a building full of cheese! 

Nick takes Andi to a brewery because she's never been to one before. Of course, there's some polka music and of course, Nick wants Andi to dance. 

After the dance Andi picks up some flowers and we get to Nick's house to meet his "very large family." There are a lot of people in there. Which, isn't awkward until they all stay in the exact same positions and just drill Andi. They were all sitting like they were about to take a class photo. 

Nick tells someone, I guess his sister that he's in love with Andi. 

"Does she make you laugh?" -- gUrl
"She just makes me smile." -- Nick

Sister gUrl pulls Andi aside and tells Andi that they cannot see him go through heartache again. WAH WAH WAH. During the convo, Andi makes this face. 

Who booty?

The tiniest sister pulls Andi aside and reads some questions from a list. Andi explains to tiniest sister what a "mental connection" is, which is, just irony at its finest. 

Bella tried to relay some information to Nick, but tiniest sister, Bella, could not remember any of the questions she asked Andi, nor could she remember any of the answers. 

I'm just waiting on Mitt Romney to show up on here. Or some sort of sister wife. Where did all of these people come from?

Andi names all of the family members and everyone claps. She called the situation a "green light."

"I will never get enough Andi." -- Nick
Also the opening line to a Lifetime movie. 

Nick just thinks of Andi has "his gUrl."


Andi is headed to Iowa. Growing up, there was a family in my church from Iowa and she told me it stands for IDIOTS OUT WALKING AROUND. 


Andi feels very open today. I think she could be talking about the fields. 

Chris has "some fun things" planned. Let's guess! They drive a tractor, milk a cow and maybe go fishing or shoot a gun. 

So far, Andi is mostly impressed that Chris lives in a house and not an apartment. 

From everything I can tell, Andi has never seen an open field and definitely never seen a tractor. 

I've driven a tractor before. It was the Kia version of a John Deere tractor. This is the Maybach version of it. And of course, my father was running alongside the tractor screaming the entire time. 

Andi and Chris are concerned that Andi might not be able to live in Iowa on a farm. 

"What would I do here?" -- Andi
"There's definitely an opportunity to be a homemaker." -- Chris

Oh. He was kidding. He did suggest law in the next town over. PTL. 

"My family has a lake house in Alabama." -- Andi
Her version of farming. 

While they are sitting in the field an airplane flies by with a sign that says, "Chris loves Andi." You usually see these at football games imploring fans to visit a Fire____.com website. So, yeah, this one was sweeter. 

I don't think these people have seen each other in the last decade. They just hugged everyone as if someone was returning from some sort of POW situation.

Andi thinks living in the country makes meeting the family even more intense BECAUSE SHE WILL HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL THE TIME. 

I think Andi thinks they are going back to 1940 and there will be no communication and no way off of the farm. Ever. It's like a kidnapping situation. She thinks she's being kidnapped versus getting engaged. 

So, yeah. 


Tampa! Andi has "very strong" feelings for Josh. Andi decided to wear booty shorts. 
Class act.

Of course, Josh takes Andi to some little ass baseball field. Scratch that, "baseball diamond." Josh has trouble watching baseball or even picking up a baseball. 

In a twist, Josh threw a few pitches to Andi and she was good. 

After running the bases and being "turned on" they make out on the field. 

We're still talking about baseball.

It's time to head to the Murray home. WE EVEN GET TO MEET AARON MURRAY. 

Josh cries when he sees his mom. But, like. Then, we had to meet Josh's dog, Sable. He went after that dog. Like, I hope he took a shower before touching anyone else again. 

During family dinner, we hear all about Aaron's NFL draft updates. He was drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs, FYI. 

After dinner, Josh's mom tells Andi he is in love. 
Andi asks if Josh can cut the chord from Aaron. 

Mom says no way. Chord ain't cut. 

"We're an athletic family, we go places." -- Josh's Dad

Andi is worried that she won't ever be able to skip one of Aaron's NFL games. 
Baby gUrl, you'll have to get a pink jersey and everything!!!!!!!

Andi sits down with Aaron and he explains that he's growing up and he knows that it's time for Josh to have a family and skip a football game every now and then...BUT, NOT BEFORE WE PLAY A FAMILY FOOTBALL GAME IN THE YARD. 

I was kind of embarrassed for everyone involved. 

But, they seem like really sweet people and just genuinely wanted her to know that they're super into Aaron's football career and she should be prepared for that. 


Time to get to Dallas(S)! Marcus is super excited to show Andi around in his leased Mercedes. He's treating Andi to a trip to the Tom Thumb at Highland Park Village. Oh. Just kidding. He's trying to get her drunk. Because he's performing a strip routine. 


Andi calls this "every gUrl's dream" and it's the saddest I've been in close to 3 years. 

I lived in Dallas(S) for 7 years. You only go to Highland Park Village for three reasons: it's Christmas and you want to look at lights, you're a stay-at-home-mom and you need something OR you think that Anthropologie has something the mall Anthro doesn't. There are are not 25-year-old dudes hanging out there. Ever. 

Marcus is so excited to introduce everyone to the gUrl he's "madly in love" with. Then, Marcus' niece gives Andi and him a homemade bracelet. Immediately, the sister pulls Andi aside. 

Andi doesn't really let sister get a word in for awhile. Who is Conrad?

Brother just wants Marcus to be happy and to "GO FOR IT." Marcus starts crying. He wants brother to know that he appreciates him. It's a very tender moment.

Mom asks Andi what she thinks is special about Marcus. OY.

This is the fist time Mother has seen Marcus this happy. Too bad Andi ain't moving to Dallas. 
Also, what would mother do if she knew about the strip routine earlier that day? I can't imagine. 

"Seeing a future with you is the most 'awe' moment I could imagine. I love you. I truly do." -- Marcus
What an awe moment?

Marcus put himself out there and then he called Andi his soulmate. : (


Now, we learn about the death of Eric. 
I'm going to skip that part. 


There's a lot of crying during the ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcus does NOT get a rose. Marcus has to take a moment to say his goodbyes. 

I wouldn't give him a rose either. He didn't even wear a tie to the rose ceremony!!!!!!!!!!

"You did nothing wrong." -- Andi

Marcus doesn't know what to do because Andi was his "everything." I mean. That's intense. It was like, one month and a TV show. "Everything" is a lot.

He regrets telling Andi he loves her because it "blew up in his face."

"I believed in something that wasn't there." -- Marcus
Like a ghost!

And just like that, it was down to three. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 7.

Welcome to Brussells! Andi is clad in leather and discussing melting pots.

"There's historical Belgium and new-modern Belgium." -- Andi

This is the week before hometown dates, so this is serious.

"Dude, w'ere in Brussells." -- a guy

ChrissyPoo rolls in wearing a blazer and a shallow v-neck. I think it's a Michael Jordan Hanes tagless v-neck. He explains the rules to three guys wearing scarfs and three guys wearing hoodies. THE POSSIBILITIES.

ChrissyPoo hands over the first date card. Marcus is getting the one-on-one date. He is wearing a scarf and a pink sweater. I swear on my life I got scarf for Christmas one year.


Andi is just excited to spend the day with Marcus and "explore this town." They take some selfies and buy some shit.

Marcus tells Andi he's been journaling. JOURNALING. Like he's been at camp all summer. He was going to leave, but only because he had such strong feelings, not because he realized he was on a television show and shit. He's "in love" with her and the pedal has his the metal. He's also drinking a beer while saying this, so. IDK.

It's dinner time and there's a rose AND meeting someone's family on the table.

Marcus is worried about talking about his family. The music during Marcus' family story sounds like "Silence of the Lambs." Or worse. And what's worse than that?

Something about mom.

There are HUGE limes in their waters. HUGE.
And. There's a lime shortage going on around here.

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.

"This is a man in front of me." -- Andi


Marcus comes home from the date. Nick "can tell" he had a nice time. He has NO interest in hearing about his date.

Josh is wearing a hoodie without a shirt on underneath.

Nick goes downstairs to "be persistent." He tells the hotel lady that he lost his room key and forgot his room number, just to see Andi. He's hoping the move pays off. Andi is still in her duds when she answers, but her heart is beating.

She was scared at first, but then they decided to go for a walk.

So far, Nick has gotten almost as much screen time as Marcus.

Kissing. Kissing.
Kissing next to a tree.

Passion. Very passionate.

"It's so hot." -- Andi
Nick is wearing a leather jacket, but I think she means figuratively.


It's time for Andi's second one-on-one date with Josh. She doesn't know how it's going to go, because Josh needs to catch up in the feelings department.

"This is one of the only cities in Europe that didn't get burned down during the wars." -- Andi

The wars. 

Josh has a feeling inside for Andi.
It's a feeling.
He's holding the feeling in.
Feelings or something.
It's tough.

So, Andi needs Josh to put IT out there. Everyone else is putting IT out there. She needs THAT from Josh. 

Can he even put the FEELINGS out there? 

Josh thinks he's gotten the best dates. He wants Andi to himself and hates seeing Andi with other guys.

Josh is ready for his family to meet Andi and wants her to know that she can be open and honest, but straight (?) with his family. 


He don't just throw shit around, if he says FEELINGS, that's who he wants to marry. 

Kissing. Kissing. 
Loud, LOUD kissing. 

Andi wanted to go outside, but they just kissed in a stairwell instead. 

It is so loud. 

There are some Belgium country music singers singing in the middle of the street. 

Dancing the street. No one else is dancing.



Nick's feelings about group dates haven't changed. They're the worst.

The group is at a castle. Or the ruins of a castle. The ruins have stood "the test of time," so they all hope their love with Andi can stand the test of time. : (

Something about bikes on train tracks?

Andi takes them to a monastery. So. IDK.
I can't. I mean.
They can have beer and cheese, but no kissing.

Andi takes Chris to a "pottery barn." She thinks it steamy.
She watched "Ghost" one too many times.
They kiss.

So, I don't think I know the rules.

Brian is like, FREAKING OUT over the rose. It's all he can talk about or think about. All I can think about is his sweater/hoodie sans shirt. How does that happen? Like, I don't think I know a single guy who would be like, "I'll wear this and skip the shirt."

I mean, do I?
Lord, hear my prayers. 

Nick doesn't think that Dylan, Brian and Chris matter. There's no second, there's no third. There's just Nick.


Nick and Andi take "how far is too far" to church camp level and just stare at each other and talk about kissing.

During the group date rose ceremony Nick gets the rose and Brian looks like he's going to burn down the entire country of Belgium.

Nick stays behind and the van of death takes Dylan, Brian and Chris back to the hotel. Brian wanted that rose "bad, really bad."

"He's not real to us." -- Chris, about Nick

Nick gets to meet Andi for dinner in another city.

"I'm excited to smile and just talk about Milwaukee!" -- Andi
First time anyone has ever said that. 

The bros get back to the hotel and everyone is MAD. Mad. Brian is still super mad. Everyone thinks Nick is going to make to the end and then walk away. He's a gamer.

Shit, y'all.
Come on.

Haters gon' hate, bro.

Fireworks, hands, kissing, baseball shirts.

I feel nothing in my soul.


Nick gets back from his quasi-date and boyz be bitchin'.
Actually, boyz be coughing.

There's a confrontation and everyone thinks Nick is into strategy more than Andi.



Andi wants to go home, she can kind of see herself visiting a few hometowns.

Dylan, who has the haircut of every boy from middle school in the mid-90s, has kind of figured out it is behind him, Chris and Brian.

Nick is excited for his friends to meet Andi. He is crying and I'm now convinced he's one of those people who watches "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" live every single week and gets upset if anyone spoils that for him.

Chris wants to let Andi know he is "there."
I'm assuming "there" is not Belgium and is somewhere figuratively.

Chris just takes Andi to some back alley and kisses her like he's the nerd in an '80s teen movie and no one can see them kissing because she's from the other side of the tracks or something.



She starts out by saying, "my sweet six."
I threw up.

Gentlemen, Andi, this is the final rose, when you're ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris gets the final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dylan and his hair head out the door. My ballpark guess is that he has not washed that hair the whole time he's been in another country.

He's crying because Andi cut him, I'm crying because he's dressed like Donald Trump.

"I definitely deserve to fall in love again. Definitely." -- Dylan
Baby boy, no one deserves anything!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian poured his heart to "that girl" and he has now vowed to GIVE HIS ALL FOR THE GIRL HE ENDS UP WITH. He kind of said it like he was going to kill her, too. I really hope he doesn't kill anyone over this.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 6.

Tonight, we're in Italy. Andi has taken her Southern-ghetto dialect to the land of leather and cheese and we're being promised: lies and love.

There boyz roll in on a boat and take in the sights.

"There's a church!" -- one boy

Cody is convinced that he's getting the one-on-one today, because she was saving their date for a really special place. He's wrong. Andi is not taking him on the first date. She's taking Nick. : ( The date starts as soon as everyone is off the boat .

Nick is dressed like a displaced member of New Kids on the Block.

Everyone is upset for Cody, but I don't get it, because it's a competition and a show about love. So, like-- MAYBE SHE DOESN'T LOVE CODY.

The boyz head back to their hotel and Cody and Chris take a seat on the terrace to discuss the situation. I'm like, you're wearing a black wife-beater while on vacation in Italy, you wouldn't even take yourself to Little Ceasar's wearing that!


"I mean, we're in Venice." -- Andi
That sums it, gUrl. 

Nick and Andi go get a piece of pizza and the slice they got looked like something you would get in a school cafeteria.

Then, they went and took pictures with pigeons. The pigeons were on their heads. GROSS.

"It's hard not to fall in love in Venice." -- Andi

It sounds like Sting wrote the background music right now, but really, someone took a Sting song and made it really bad and that's how to describe this music.

Nick and Andi get back in the boat and Nick wants to know Andi's opinion.


"Don't fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, but with the one who makes your world more beautiful." -- saying in a boat
If someone saw that and thought of me and then read it to me, I would not be happy. You better believe I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. Or top five at least. 

Andi sees a bridge and tells Nick if they kiss while under the bridge he'll win the show and the Cubs will win the World Series in the next three seasons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly, it's night and Andi is on a boat wearing a mask. But, surprise! It's her! She was trying to fool him, I guess. But, I don't know if he fell for it or not.

The two head to dinner and Andi says they're going to a masquerade ball, but they're just eating dinner alone in some old building with cool ceilings. IDK. IDK.

Andi needs some questions answered because of all that ~~**dRaMa**~~ last week!

Nick says he's the victim in all of this and that he has no idea how he became the bad guy.

"I feel wildly fortunate to have the connection we have." -- Nick

I think even Andi is confused about the premise of this show at this point. Why is she mad that Nick is acting like her boyfriend?

He kind of mumbles a lot.

After dinner, they head to their "masquerade ball." But, it's just the two of them dancing outside to an accordion, cello and violin.

Kind of felt like we were watching the deleted scenes of a Taylor Swift video.


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is a bold woman! Wearing dem white jeans in a city built on water!
An old ass city built on water!
Dirt and water e'erywhere. You go, gUrl.

Andi thinks everyone on the group date has been honest with her, so naturally she's going to give each of them a lie detector test?

I would assume (I know, I know-- I'm an ass, you're an ass.) that Italy's best lie detector reader wouldn't be in America's top 100.

"It's great, you gotta get to know somebody..." -- Josh
Right. This what you should do within the first 6 weeks of dating someone. 

Andi goes first. They asked questions like: IS ITALY YOUR FAVORITE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?

Josh is really upset about this lie detector test. If you trust someone, you can't just ask them to take a lie detector test!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The questions asked: are you ready for marriage, do you prefer blondes over brunettes, have you slept with over 20 women, do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, are you here for RIGHT reasons.

After Dylan answers "no" the bathroom questions, he leaves. Apparently, he's sick. He also said he's slept with more than 20 women. So. That' pretty neat!

Chris is asked if he's the secret admirer and he says YES!!!!!!!!! He's very upset, because he wanted to do it in a more romantic setting, now it's just creepy! (Chris, SPOILER. It was all creepy.)

That is what we're watching.

The results are in and Josh thinks if someone isn't there for the right reasons, ANDI WILL FIND OUT.

Three guys = no lie
One man = two lie
Two men = three lies

Andi gets the results.
She told two lies.

Andi lied about thinking Italy is her favorite country in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can she even be trusted now? I know I can't take her seriously now.

Instead of reading the results, Andi rips them up. SHE TRUSTS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
Cody is MAD that Nick didn't have to take a lie detector test.
I'm mad that this is a thing.


AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is glad she ripped up the results, but she still wants everyone to be open and honest.

The middle school basketball coach asks Andi to administer her own lie detector test.
It got awkward quickly. But, then, he asked her if she wanted to make out. She said, NO and he said, "you're lying!"

Listen. NO means NO.

Andi sits down with Marcus and he admits that he thought about leaving at one point. He didn't leave though! He didn't leave because he thinks Andi is worth it! Then, KISSING.

Josh is pretty damn mad that Andi made him take a lie detector test. He wants to get to know someone without having to take a lie detector test. Andi just thinks that he's hiding something from her.

I think he must be hiding his fashion sense. That scarf.

Josh starts getting testy. They have both very Southern-ghetto accents, so it kind of feels like we're watching an episode of "A Different World."

Chris sweeps Andi away and he admits to being the secret admirer. Andi knew it! She just knew it.

"I'm glad it was Chris." -- Andi
I think she would've said that about anyone. 

"It feels awesome to put myself out there." -- Chris
Wait. What. 

Andi gets ready to hand out the rose. She says "it's weird," about 40 times.

"I mean, how many times can you say you took a lie detector test in Italy?" -- Andi, to the group

The secret admirer, Chris, gets the rose!!!!!!!

"Roses only mean you're developing a relationship." -- Chris
I think Chris understands the premise of the show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JJ, the pants guy, is starting to get a little upset about all the bromance going on. He doesn't understand while everyone is congratulating everyone on getting roses and one-on-one dates. No one else agrees with him.



It's time for Cody's one-on-one date and I'd rather watch a birthing documentary than 10 minutes of him. : (

It's not that he's a bad dude, it's that everything he says sounds like a Facebook status.

Andi is dressed like Marcia Brady.

Andi is taking Cody to Verona, the birthplace of Romeo and Juliet. Yes, that Romeo and Juliet.

He's way too excited about this. I mean, the producers made her do this.

Andi takes Cody to Club Di Guiletta. They will be reading letters from across the world sent to Juliet.

I'm so confused by this. Is this Italy's version of Dear Abby?
Who would write a letter to a Shakespeare character from 1597?
I am so confused.


Andi and Cody read a few letters and respond to a few.
Cody's response was surprisingly thoughtful and well-written.

I'll say it again, he doesn't seem terrible or anything, I just don't want to be at a dinner table with him. Or at like, a pool party. He seems like a guy who would always be trying to push you in or something.

It's time for the nighttime portion of the date. Cody has decided to dress like a Miami Vice character. His v-neck t-shirt is deeper than any ocean you could swim in.

Cody thinks if he gets a rose that it means she wants to be with him.
He starts the dinner off with a letter.

The letter was sweet, but he called Romeo and Juliet's love story THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME.

First off, they both committed suicide at like, 15. Can you imagine the Today Show coverage of this story today?

Second, has he never heard of John and Abigail Adams? That is history's greatest love story!!!!

So, after the letter reading, he starts in on a soliloquy. (OH, man. I nailed that one.)

"I've never experienced anything like this...it's kind of like I've known you for a long time... the first date is big time, I feel good. Andi, I'm willing to make a bold move for you. You make me feel on a whole different level... I just want to like, grab you, hug you, kiss you, roll around with you... it's a weird feeling. I like you, I want to know more about you. I want to meet your family, I want you to come to Chicago, I want you to be a part of my life. I want to take you home to my mom and dad! I'm telling you right now, you'll fall in love with me the more you stay around me. The longer you keep me around, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE." -- Cody
Finally. Finally. She cut him off. 

Andi says she took him on this one-on-one date just to figure it out. She can't give him the rose. She respects him too much.

Whenever y'all are ready we can go back to how he said he wants to "roll around" with her.

Cody handles it very well.

"You can't always get what you want." -- Cody
(SHOUT OUT bMayes!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Maybe Cody isn't so bad. He cried in the limo, but seemed to take it well. But, also-- see above. He kind of went on a rampage of words. I think he would've kept going, he would've gotten to kids' names, middle names, how they'll divide up holidays, plan family nights and it's likely that he already bought an entire family's worth of matching sweat suits.

Poor guy.



"We had eight. Cody left last night, one will leave tonight, then we will be down to six." -- Josh, doing math

Andi is ready to "figure some stuff out."
She's always figuring shit out.

Nick is the first one to get time with Andi and everyone calls him a jackass.

Andi ain't mad.

"He wanted it, come get it." -- Andi

Dylan steps in on Nick's time and the other bros are still mad.
He says he's in love?

Every single guy gets time with Andi and every guy kisses her.

Josh wants to clear up some shit with Andi.
Listening to these two talk is like watching a "Step Up" movie.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo gets some time with Andi. And like, where have you been, bro? These guys are about to go bat shit crazy.

Dylan gets the first rose, which...UH-OH.
Brian gets the second rose. Another head scratcher.

Andi, gentlemen, it's the final rose tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PantsBoy is heading back to the pants making palace. Or whereever he lives. IDK.

JJ cried. But, I wasn't super paying attention to his limo ride, so IDK.

Andi is ready to move the adventure somewhere else-- BRUSSELLS!!!!!!!!!!
(That's in Belgium!)

Looks like some real shit is going to go down in Brussells. I doubt it though.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 5.

I almost had to watch the 14-hour recap, but I remembered I don't care enough.

When we're reunited with our gUrl and guyz we're in France. Andi has never been to France before, so she got out her best leather pleated skirt for the day.

Josh M. is getting the first date in France and for the record: he doesn't speak French.

ChrissyPoo met up with Andi on the street, but I fast-forwarded because I'm on a budget.


Josh and Andi head out to begin their French journey. Voyage is French for journey. The two start off by walking around and making fun of the locals and eating sandwiches. Then, they head to a boat where Josh starts talking shit about golf and tennis. And then, he casually mentions that he was a second round draft pick out of high school for baseball. He says he stopped because he wanted a family.

I only report the facts here, so I feel like I should let everyone know that he never actually made it to the majors. He only got as far as AA ball which means he spent a lot of time in places like, Utah and Wisconsin or something. He then headed to the University of Georgia where he walked on to the football team and got his degree. So. I seriously doubt that he quit baseball because he wanted a family.

Andi is nervous that the only connection they have is physical. I dated a boy once who was constantly telling me he could beat me in tennis. Our relationship didn't last.


There are some racial tensions in the house between Marquel and Andrew. I feel bad for Marquel. He's genuinely upset and even cries a little.


Andi is still waiting for the mental and emotional connection with Josh. She wants to have an actual conversation with him. Andi, baby gUrl, I don't think that's too much to ask.

"I want you to know everything about me." -- Josh
"Well, you're my type." -- Andi

Josh asks if Andi has been cheated on before and Andi says yes, but it's because the other guy is an athlete. Josh does NOT want to be labeled an athlete, but he desperately wants everyone to know that he was drafted 48th overall, 7th in the second round of the 2002 Major League Baseball draft.

Josh told a story about how when he was like, 19 a gUrl cheated on him. And then, he had a gUrl that he did love, but not the marriage love.

This is the conversation I imagine two freshman in college having about their junior high relationships.

The day was just so perfect because they're both from Atlanta and in a palace, but everyone lowered their guards, so JOSH GETS THE ROSE.

Kissing. Personal performance by a guy on the street.

"This is awesome." -- Josh
You just aren't playing down the stereotype, bro. 



Marquel wants to focus his energy on Andi and not on his confrontation with Andrew. Also. This shirt. It's like a dri-fit Hawaiian shirt or something. In brief summation, it's the worst.

Andi is taking the guys to a mime class! Andi thinks non-verbal communication is important, so MIME.

"I have no idea what a mime does." -- Chris
Really? This is real?

"I've never mimed before." -- Andrew
Oh? Really? 

These guys are acting like they're being asked to re-wire a building or something.


Hey, idiots, you're in France on a television show learning how to "mime," suck it up. It's not like you're going to perform for sick kids in a hospital or something. You're on the street. IN FRANCE. For free. 

Andi is excited because some of the guys have really "stepped it up."

The guy with the pants re-enacted his first date with Andi while miming.

"The guys are willing to do anything to have fun." -- Andi

Nick decided he was over it and over the group date. He starts sulking and let's us all know that he's not even going to pretend like he's enjoying himself.



Right away, JJ sweeps Andi away to a ferris wheel. He's wearing a leather bomber jacket with a hoodie and a tie. Andi is wearing a sequined skirt. This G thinks she's Beyonce. Honestly, Tina Knowles has to be her personal style icon.

JJ just wanted some kissy-kissy time on the ferrish wheel and he got it.

Some of the bros confront Nick over his attitude. This is right after they decide it's time to put some of the bromances aside and focus on the competition of winning Andi's heart and sequined skirt collection.

Andi and JJ return right about the time Nick tells everyone HE IS THE FRONT RUNNER.

"It was weird, we just had a date about communication." -- Andi
This gUrl. OY. 

Andi tries to ask Chris about what's going on, while Cody is confronting Nick. He feels mocked. HE REALLY DOES FEEL LUCKY AND DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM.

Cody decides to tell Andi that he thinks Nick made fun of him for being "thankful." Andi is very concerned. She thought tonight was going to be really fun and now everyone is making fun of everyone. : (


Nick gets his alone time and tells Andi that he had "a lot of fun."

Andi is really picking up on the non-verbal clues that something is going on between Nick and some of the bros.

"Are you not going to tell me? If I was your wife would you tell me?" -- Andi
Well-played. Kind of. 

Andi is wondering if Nick is manipulating her. I would like to remind her that a GROWN ASS MAN just tattletaled on another GROWN ASS MAN for "hurting his feelings."

Then, Nick read a poem or a letter or an original screenplay or something.

"When I see you I smile; when I see you I blush; when I see you I get nervous; when I see you my chest bursts with excitement; when I see you I see beauty; when I see you I see strength, when I see you I see purpose; when I see you I see a future. Nick."
I guess he wrote this so she has something for her scrapbook, but it all seemed pretty cliche and like something you'd text to someone after you come home a little drunk on the third date. 

Marquel is ready to confront Andrew. Though I feel like race relations in this country still have a long way to go, this recap is not the place for us to discuss them.

Marcus takes Andi to a cave and toasts some red wine with her.

Andrew gets some time with Andi, "just a few minutes." He called the entire day "interesting."
Fast forward.

After all of this JJ, the pants guy, gets the rose.
Nick is not happy.

He kind of has the emotions of an 8th grade gUrl who isn't great at math, but is good at everything else.



Andi feels like Brian is really open with her.

"Today's just really about being romantic." -- Andi

They head to an old school "theater" to watch a movie.

"It's a story about cooking, but also romantic." -- Andi
I can't imagine a worse movie for a dude to be watching. Especially a middle school basketball coach. 

After the movie the two head out to get some cooking supplies.
She's now quoting the movie like it's "Casablanca" or something.

They head to a kitchen and start marinading!

"You can ask my mom-- I don't cook!" -- Brian
He says that like we need to ask his mom if his high school basketball jersey really is retired. 

Brian kind of starts acting like a D-bag and Andi is all, "but it looked so fun in the movie!"
Actually, I was pretty on her team. I'm not sure what this dude's problem was. It's not like it was a cooking competition and he had to prove himself. He just had to like, watch her chop carrots and comment on how sexy she looks while chopping. Then, he needed to eat the foot without being a little bitch.

"How does your mom make mashed potatoes?" -- Andi
"I don't know! I just eat them!" -- Brian
Must be some secret family recipe. Gah. Calm down. 

They dig into the frog legs and then Andi starts making more than one penis joke.

After deciding they hate their meal the two ditch it for a street side cafe.

Brian is now regretting his behavior. He's all, "I was soooooo out of my comfort zone."



Now, Andi is totally cool with his behavior and he gets the rose.

This guy acted like a little gUrl all day and I'm pretty mad.




Andi is feeling a lot of emotions. She sits down with Chris and tells Chris she wants to send THREE guys home. THREE. There's nothing that will change her mind. THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY!



We waste no time (JK, that's all these assholes do is waste my time!) and get right to it.

Andi, gentleman, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cody gets the final rose.

Andrew goes home and he says "it's not fair."

Some guy I thought was the opera singer is going home.

"I've heard from people, not just gUrls, that are really paramount in being a good husband." -- That guy who isn't the opera singer

Marquel said he now believes in love again after meeting Andi. He cried.

A few other things probably happened, but I turned it off.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 4.

Two nights, two episodes. That's enough to make a person not want to turn their TV on ever again.

The gang's all here (minus those sorry ass suckers who got cut) and they're headed to Connecticut! Where? Small state, by New York. You know, the Constitution state. That place every small child dreams of visiting. It's right up there with Utah.

Dylan gets the one-on-one and the other dudes are worried that it could get "too hot and steamy." IDK.

Andi takes Dylan to the steam train and she thinks it's going to be very "charming and cute." It's so charming and cute that it needs coal to run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It's an old charm kind of train." -- Andi
That's not even a train genre. 

After 12 different train puns, the train leaves the station. I'm already bored. Dylan says he's "definitely never done this," like Andi was going to challenge him on that or something.

Dylan was in an 8-year relationship once. His ex-gUrl got engaged the day after his brother's funeral. HOW COULD SHE.

"I swam across this river once." -- Dylan

That train ride look like a yawner, so editing leads us to dinner. Andi knows Dylan has a story and he's just dying to tell it. So, he tells the sad story and Andi cries.

Dylan gets the rose. But, y'all. It was NOT a pity rose. Okay? Even though felt bad for him, BECAUSE SHE DID, it was NOT a pity rose.



I can't even. It's a group date featuring the WNBA. That's women's basketball.

Andi is wearing wedge sneakers. Like, high-heeled sneakers.

The big surprise for the boyz is that TAMIKA CATCHINGS IS ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know not a single human reading this know who she is, but IDK.

The boyz play a game with the WNBA team and of course, the boyz lose. Props to the WNBA for sending pretty gUrls!

That guy who coaches middle school basketball actually spend some time trying to coach his team. He said he was putting the team on his back and that if his team hustled, they would win. It was so sad to watch this guy try to "coach."

One of the team names is the Rosebuds. I honestly wish my TV didn't work.
Everyone was taking this game really seriously, so it reminded me a lot of a WNBA game.

At half-time the score was 6 to 6. : (

OH. THEY WERE PLAYING WITH A gUrl's BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Rosebuds won because that middle school coach "brought it" according to Andi.


GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just can't even talk about her and Eric.)

The middle school basketball coach wants to take her back to the basketball court. He taught her how to shoot a lay-up. She's wearing a leather dress.

Middle School shoots and makes a half-court shot and Andi wants it bad. She wanted a kiss, but he's "sooooooooo bad at reading signs." What a dummy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick is super into Andi. He's nervous, but he thinks it's awesome. He goes to bed thinking about Andi and wakes up thinking about Andi. It probably helps that he's on a TV show.

Middle school coach gets the rose.



CONFESSION: I took a phone call during this date and I didn't really rewind it. Mainly because I've already devoted way too many hours to this BS this week. 

They climbed a building. It was windy. Andi was scared. This is her "we conquered fears together" date. She will use this experience as her, "I can't be scared of love" moment for the rest of this season.

Phone call over. 

Marcus gets the rose.
The date is not over yet.
There's still a smoky casino stage to dance on.

Apparently, Marcus told Andi that he was falling in love. What an idiot.


Andi got a letter while chillin' in her hotel room. The music made it sound like the worst Hallmark movie, then the best Hallmark movie. PSYCH! There's no good Hallmark movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The letter was from a "secret admirer." I don't have the energy to discuss this.



Brian pulls Andi aside and tells her that he regrets not kissing her. She was all, "Thank God!!!!!!" And they kissed. Middle schoolers everywhere rejoiced!

Something, something that guy with a weird name.
Something, something Marquel is now wearing glasses and everyone is giggling.

Eric pulls Andi aside because he needs some feedback. He's been thinking about their prior conversation and it's not settling well with him.

Here comes the shit, someone move the fan!

Eric told Andi he thinks she has two different sides and that he didn't come on this show to meet an actress. Andi does not handle this news well. She says she respects his openness, but she's saying it with more attitude than Lil' Kim.

If you told me I had a poker face, I'd be like-- yeah. I would not cry. I would not be offended. ESPECIALLY ON A TV SHOW.

At this point, Andi start flipping shit and Eric says, "This is the real Andi I'm talking about!" Talk about awkward.

"Am I comfortable and natural all the time? Not a chance! But, do I work my ass off and stay up late so that everyone knows that I am here for them-- yeah, I do!" -- Andi
I really have no idea what that means. 
Like. Isn't everyone staying up late, but then you get to just lounge around a lot, too? I mean, those guys are always wearing sweatpants. Always. 

Also. You're on a TV show. Everyone is always forgetting that.

Andi starts crying and now the other guys can hear.

"She shouldn't be crying right now." -- Josh

At the end, Eric tried to tell her that he just wanted her to be comfortable with him. She said he wasn't a fighter and asked him to go home. So. He did. He didn't even get a sad ass mini van, he got a taxi.

Andi went all ghetto on everyone else and told the remaining guys that if they think she has a poker face, they can "walk their ass on out." Then, she started crying like a junior high gUrl and yelled, "I'm exhausted!"

It got kind of awkward because she was just talking about how hard she's trying and how tired she was. It's honestly something I've yelled at my parents before.

She kind of flipped her shit. In the worst way. In that your 12th grade math teacher would flip her shit like she's going through a divorce, but no one knew.

Anyway. ChrissyPoo came on and told us we weren't going to see the rose ceremony, but just talk about Eric instead.

I thought they would play a video montage of him or something, but they didn't. It was weird.


Monday, June 2, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 3.

We are being punished. ABC, in what they are calling a "special" event is airing two episodes of Andi this week. I'd rather watch 6 hours of a birth video than two episodes of this.

Andi and the boyz are heading to Santa Barbara. I've spent a lot of time in Santa B and I prefer to call it, Saint Babs, but whatever.

Chris lets the boyz know that "Andi won't be in LA this week" and that they are headed to a new destination.

Nick meets up with Andi in Santa B and the two head out on a bike road along the beach. The bike ride was super awkward, as in, they didn't really ride, they kind of coasted and Nick was just dragging one leg. Also, I hate to let the cat out of the bag, but they did not ride those bikes from the beach to the hike. I've been on that hike before and there's no way they rode bikes. I did drink wine on that rock though.

"You have a great resume." -- Nick
If a boy told me that on a date, I would cry and ask him to marry me. 

Andi and Nick head back to town for a meal at the Santa B court house. Nick is dressed like James Bond and all of his closest friends are married. Andi asks him why he isn't married. Rude. Nick lets her know that he was engaged "for a minute."

Something, something Andi liked talking to him about his past relationships.

Nick gets a rose. Andi wants to make him a believer. They kiss.


The group date is happening and the boyz are expecting "something musical." They head out in the limo and drink champagne like they're on a epi of "Real Housewives." : (

One guy ran up to her and hugged her. Andi is ready to shock them, so she introduced them to BOYZ II MEN. The BOYZ II MEN are just singing "I'll Make Love to You" like it's something they do every afternoon. Andi's boyz celebrate very awkwardly.

The opera singer is the most excited.

I don't even know. These guys are terrible. It's everything you want it to be. Sounds like a drowning cat is at a middle school dance.

Andi is also going to be singing. She's really focusing on the line of, "Yeahhhhhh."

All the fellas are dressed alike. Alike = idiots.

Marquel, hoping for a sound bite calls the experience a chance to, "separate the boys from the men." OY. : (

The guys get up to sing and there aren't words to describe how much I want it to be over.

This small gUrl in the audience hated it worse than I did.

"I couldn't ask for anything more on this date." -- Andi
But, you could. Who told you that you couldn't?


AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Half of Andi's dress got left in a Punky Brewster episode. The other half had a lot of ruffles and was really tight on dat azz.

Andi wants to play a joke on Cody. She did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He loved it.

She told Marquel her favorite color was black. AWKWARD.

Marcus is excited to see her and wants to steal a kiss from her. That sounds like he is going to roofie her. I hope that's not what it means. As luck would have it, he didn't. They did kiss though.

She kissed like, everyone. All of the dudes. Including Josh, the former pro baseball player. I would hope that he has a current profession. Hopefully, it's something other than total skeeze. he got the rose.


It's time for the one-on-one with JJ. He said "gorgeous" like, 19 times in less than 20 seconds.

Andi and JJ are dressing up as "old people." The Bachelor Producers are clearly running out of ideas for individual dates.

The two are supposed to be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Honestly: dumbest thing I've ever seen on any television show ever. And I've seen every season of the "Real World" since 19995.

"When I grow old, I want love to keep me young at heart." -- Andi

They went to a skate park and tricked all the kids into thinking the old people were doing stuff young people should be doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back at the house there's a family emergency and Ron is leaving.

Finally, they got to take their makeup off and Andi is so excited to see "the young, handsome JJ."

JJ goes off on some weird tangent about being quirky and how he's also been afraid to be his "quirky-self." That conversation lasted 14 minutes our time, probably 3 hours without editing.

JJ's last relationship ended because he and his girlfriend were competing to see who can find the most friends. That is the first time I've ever heard that as a break-up excuse.

JJ got a rose.


PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

During the middle of a convo with Eric, Andi received a giant boquet of flowers from Nick.

"This isn't real life, a guy getting you flowers." -- Andi

Apparently, JJ is upset that Andrew got some gUrl's number. Josh is in agreement-- he mad. No one should be getting numbers AND BRAGGING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"It mocks the process." I hope they never read this!!!!!!!!

Josh and PantsBoy confront him and Andrew lets them know he's not going to engage in this. THEN, THEY FOLLOW HIM THROUGH THE HOUSE YELLING AT HIM.

If someone was following me through a house yelling, "Great test of character!" I wouldn't know how to react either, because irony. It felt like some sort of high school team bonding experience had gone terribly wrong. The most wrong: those pants designed and worn by JJ. At some point, you gotta just slip your khakis back on, bro.

In summation: game respect game, UNLESS YOU GETTIN' NUMBERS.

Andrew came back downstairs and the conversation continued like "normal adults." Andrew claims that someone just "handed" him a phone number. Then, they keep talking about some van. I'm gathering that when the cameras aren't rollin', these boyz be ridin' in big white vans and not limos.

"I'm a grown ass man." -- Josh M. 

Finally. ChrissyPoo interrupts the fight. It's game day!!!!!!!!


ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi, gentleman, it's the final rose tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, that dude who is out unashamedly getting numbers handed to him got the final rose. BECAUSE THIS IS TELEVISION AND LIFE AIN'T FAIR, YOU KNOW?

The opera singer didn't get a rose tonight and honestly, low blow, Andi. He was the only guy who performed on the group date and she could've kept him around.

THEN. He cried, like, a lot and I wasn't that upset any more that she cut him.

"I love to be loved and I love to love." -- Opera Guy

It's always amazing to me that guys get cut and act just as crazy as the gUrls would.


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 2.

Everyone is so "so thankful" and "so lucky." I feel the exact opposite.

ChrissyPoo gathers up all the fellas and asks them what they think of Andi. Then, he tells them that Andi is on of the best. Clearly, he plays favorites.

We learn that Eric gets the first date. Andi shows up in her convertible to pick him up and I've made the executive decision to not write about the date. We know he doesn't win and we know he's a sweet guy. Basically, I don't want to get attached this guy, nor do I want to say something terrible about him.

As soon as I started fast-forwarding I saw that there was a helicopter ride involved. : (


It's time for the next date card!!!!!!!!! I really need to know what the Producers tell these guys to get the reactions out of them that they do.

"Let's bare our souls," says Andi.

Craig, the tax accountant, from Denver is really loud and does a lot of screaming.

Everyone gets off the bus and knows exactly what the word bare means. They sooooooo get that it means naked and you cannot fool them.

The boyz walk into the middle of a male strip routine by the Hollywood Men. I think it's like the Pussycat Dolls, but not.

Of course, this is for charity. So, no one can be mad. You know? CHARITY. THIS IS FOR CHARITY.

Also, Andi wants to "sample the goods." I've heard people say this before, but at this very moment, I do not know what it means.

The boyz have to try-out for the show. I think everyone made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two of the boyz "get" to do a solo routine for CHARITY!!!!!!!!!

Andi reminds everyone that this is for a great cause and everyone should just "have fun."

Carl is an actual firefighter, so he had a little trouble putting on the fake firefighter hat and wanted everyone to know the hats were NOT real.

Craig is a "sexy cowboy" and he is ready to "make some money for charity." I wonder if any of these guys know they could just write a check to any charitable organization of their choice, at any time. Most charities even have web sites you can visit.

Being that this episode aired on Memorial Day, I find it VERY INTERESTING that the Bach Producers went with the naval theme for one of the solo routines and then, of course, an army routine. It's like, what's a better way to honor a fallen hero than by doing a strip-routine for charity?

Outside, there's a VIP line for some of Andi's frandz to wait in. There is NOTHING VIP about this experience. And I can say that because I went to the VIP section of a club in Vegas once and maybe almost got escorted out because one of my frandz fell asleep. Meaning: I know VIP.

The strippers took to the stage and one of the guys said he had PTSD afterwards. Which, again. MEMORIAL DAY. So, great reference.

Marcus, the guy dressed like the most decorated air-traffic controller ever, was not looking forward to his routine, but Andi said he was amazing. Why did he have those wands? Those wands are for the guys with the vests and weird knee pads, NOT officers. If this was supposed to be a believable routine, it wasn't.

It got pretty weird at the end. The guyz had to go back out in the audience and collect tips.



Andi tells Brian she "doesn't want to show her cards too much," but that she was really impressed with him. I kind of think that's a weird thing to say to someone who is a teacher and just stripped on national TV for "charity." Then, the sad music came on and he tells her that he regrets not shaking it for her more directly.

Apparently, Andi knows a lot about male strippers, because she is kind of judge-y and seems to know what she is looking for in that department.

Josh doesn't want to stereotyped as a jock. He says he's shy, but Andi doesn't believe him because of the stripping. UMMMMMM. ITZ A TV SHOW AND YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO. But, also, really shy people don't go on TV to date. They just don't.

Craig got drunk. : (
He scoured the mansion and finally found Andi for some one-on-one time.

Andi doesn't really miss a beat and when Craig asks who her favorite guy is, she says, "YOU."

You know who isn't shy? ANDI.
That dress.
She is putting it all out there.

Craig keeps drinking and decides it is time to get in the pool.
Andi is fine with people having fun, but wants them to remember they are here to date! Her!

I don't think she can be mad at them. I mean, she went along with the whole stripper date thing, so what do you really expect of humans? If you can find 15 humans to strip on TV, do you really think they won't get drunk and jump in a pool?

Everyone is pretty upset at Craig.
Andi doesn't understand how this happened.
She doesn't think she is doing the right thing.

"This is serious to me." -- Andi

Marcus gets some one-on-one time and Andi tells him, "you did good."
Andi wants to get the rose to someone who "really stepped up." That guy is Marcus.

Per the usual, it is very hard to take this seriously when she thinks there's even a category for "stepping up" when you're talking about a group stripper date. : (


It's time for Chris' one-on-one date with Andi and he hopes Craig doesn't get in the way of their date today.

Chris meets up with Andi at the race track.
Chris is under-dressed, so let's get to pampering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is looking for a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady.
You can't say you're looking for a gentleman and want a stripper at the same time.

An older couple asks Andi and Chris how long they've been together. THIS IS NOT A SET-UP AT ALL. The older couple has been together for 55 years.

These two couples are the only people dressed up in the entire place.

"Maybe all I have to do is bet on the right horse." -- Andi

"I'm already a winner." -- Chris
: (

The two now have the park to themselves. Andi calls it very exclusive. She has totally forgotten there is a production crew of 50 following her around.

Andi doesn't waste any time and immediately asked why Chris hasn't found his soulmate. He says he came close and was engaged once. He also tells Andi that when he proposed he knew it wasn't right. So, I hope he's had that conversation with that chick in Iowa. Otherwise. : (

Chris gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time for the concert and dancing!
There's kissing. More than one kiss.

So, the shots of the band were weird. At one point, the backup guitarist has an electric guitar and then, just like that he's got an acoustic guitar. And then, right back to the electric. I mean. WE HAVE ALL SEEN THIS SCENE A BILLION TIMES, JUST DO A BETTER JOB OF MAKING US BELIEVE IT'S NOT TOTALLY SET-UP, ABC. PLZ. PLZ. PLLLLLLLLLLZ.



Andi is dressed like she's going to be performing in an off-off-Broadway production of something involving sequined polka dots.

Andi is ready to know who's here to party and who's here for love.

Andi loves the cleavage.

Nick V. didn't get a date this week, so he set up his own one-on-one with some strawberries right next to a fire. I would've put the strawberries a little farther away from the fire. I don't want to eat a hot strawberry.

Andi and Nick V. are very aligned.
They want great.
Yes, Andi, this aligned.
You both don't want shitty. THIS IS SPOT ON.

Marquel pulls Andi aside so she can learn about patterns. He is wearing every pattern. All the patterns.

Josh and Andi kiss. He's got this flirty-ramble on lock. Playa, play on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Craig plays a song he wrote for her on his guitar. He cannot sing. Not even in the cute way. I wouldn't cut him because he got drunk, I'd cut him because he's obnoxious. He is 9th grade.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Y'all really brought it." -- Andi

Chris wants to remind everyone that this is serious business. If you don't get a rose, you have to go home IMMEDIATELY. No more fun!

I think one guy had on a camo tie.  : (


Some dude named Bradley got the final rose. I can only assume she was wearing an earpiece and someone told her that guy's name. There's no way she knew it.

Carl, the firefighter, was wearing a TINY, TINY vest and he got cut.

Nick S. bought his shirt at JC Penney and he's trying not to cry. He was also wearing white socks with his suit.

Craig also got cut, because. Craig.
He says he's going to live with this mistake for the rest of his life.
That's a little dramatic, Craig.


We learn that next week there will be two FULL episodes for us to sort through. I'd rather try to find my retainer in yesterday's KFC trash.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 1.

I read somewhere once that Christmas was "the most wonderful time of the year." This is unrelated, but I broke out into hives when I realized this show was back on.

Chrissy Poo Harrison starts the show with a sad montage about one of the contestants who recently passed away. They dedicated the season to him. A very kind gesture.

But, I will tell  you this-- if anything ever happens to me, you better NOT dedicate this show to me. That's like dedicating a gas station bathroom to someone. But, seriously. It's really sad about Eric. Kind of surreal to watch him, especially when you hear even a little bit about his life. Being on this season of the Bachelorette, was probably not even going to be in his top 10. That guy was really doing some cool stuff.


Andi! She puts bad guys away. At one point she was "working" in an empty courtroom. Then, we learned that, obviously she's giving up her career as a prosecuting attorney. So, take everything you thought about this gUrl, mainly that she's smart, and change your mind, because she is not.

Andi wants her dad to be supportive.

"I just want to be real with everyone and fall in love." -- Andi
Oh, sweet, sweet angel. 

Then, she goes on and on about having fun and having a partner to try on sleeveless graphic Ts with?

Andi wants to "give it all she's got." Suddenly, it feels like we're watching a sad version of the Olympics.


Andi gets to the top of Bachelor Hill and Chrissy Poo tells her that tonight's the night! He told her to get ready, but instead she put her feet in the pool for 8 seconds and then, Andi's sister came over.

We start off by asking the important questions like, "how many guys are you going to kiss on national television?" She was honest about it and told us that finding love MEANS kissing people.

Andi's dress is gold and glittery. She looks like an Oscar statue, but the sound editing kind. Not the kind for acting or direction. Oh, I guess she's not wearing that dress. IDK. She changed.

"I can see the end, because I am finally starting my beginning." -- Andi
It makes me sad to think that her life before this doesn't count or something. When she took her law school degree off the wall earlier she meant it. 


It's time for the boyz to get out of the limos.

It only took three guyz for us to meet one with a really odd job title. JJ is a pantepreneur. Of course.

Marquel is only there to compliment her.

A guy with a weird teenage mustache talked about a lock on a bridge. HE THINKS WE'VE NEVER SEEN OTHER BACHELOR/ETTES DO THIS BEFORE.

Cody is a personal trainer and he "pushed the limo" into the driveway. He was kind of the worst. In the way that you don't care if your friend dates him, but you don't want to spend any time with him. He's definitely into CrossFit and Paleo and it's definitely all he talks about.

Andi went for the hug with Rudie and he went with the handshake AND DECIDED TO GO WITH "SOME ATTORNEY HUMOR." I had no idea this a humor genre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait for for some more attorney humor!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason needs a haircut and claims to be a doctor. He's never shaved and he beat up a kid going to prom and stole that ugly ass tie from him. : (

Dylan is so nervous.

Oh! Finally! A soccer player! There's no better place to play soccer than a wet carport in Malibu!

Emil is a helicopter pilot!!!!!!!!!! I'm praying right now that he makes it really far and makes it to a helicopter date so we can see what some backseat helicopter driving looks like!!!!!!!

Bret loves lamp.

Bradley is an opera singer, so we can now confirm that "opera singer" is still a profession since we've seen it twice now on TV!!!!!!!!!!

I bet Andi is going to go for the 29-year-old bartender. Right?


It's time to go inside to the booze fest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi has a weird Southern accent that also sounds a little ghetto. She must've picked that up during the hard knocks of law school life.

Andi has the feeling that the love of her life is standing in the house.

She immediately says, "Josh M. is my type." Probably helps that he's a former college football player for the Georgia Bulldogs. HER PARENTS HAVE STATUES OF GEORGIA BULLDOGS OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, she's into him.

That one guy is dressed just like Harrison on "Scandal." He walked right into Dillard's and said, "Make me a gladiator!" Then, he fed her some cookies. Like, he wanted her to eat a lot of cookies. Especially the black and white cookie-- because he is black and she is white. I get it.

ChrissyPoo lets us know that there's a rose up for grabs!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is the closest we've all been to a rose tonight." -- Guy


So, our twist for the season is that a guy who was on a few seasons ago is back! I totally can't remember his name, but he just showed up there and wants to be on the show, I guess. These producers think I am so dumb. I know they brought him there.

The real budding romance of the season is between Patrick and Andrew. They think they are on the same level and at one point, Andrew decides to sit a little closer to Patrick on the couch. Their love connection has to do with Formula One racing. I thought about Googling a few Formula One facts, but. Please.

We head back outside to ChrissyPoo and Andi. Chris lets her know that Chris, from Emily's season, wants to be on the show this season. Now, I remember! He was the overly sweet guy from Chicago. NOW HE'S THE INSANE ONE WHO JUST SHOWED UP AT CRAFT SERVICES.

Andi says NO, he cannot "vie for her heart."

Chris tells Chris that he should leave and InsaneChris says, "I'm not leaving, just to let you know."

Finally, RegularChris walks away and InsaneChris decides he will leave.


"Seeing a kid improve academically can bring a tear to your eye." -- Guy
OH. Wrong show, buddy. 

Andi tries to tell the farmer that she could be into farming. She's a total liar. She thinks farming is just "being outside." However, I could see her going the route of Pioneer Woman and at least getting some dogs and writing a book about living on a farm.

"Polish is my first language." -- Guy
Worst pickup line ever. 

Andi is super into Marcus because he said something in German to her. I mean, okay, gUrl. I like your surprises.

The first impression rose goes to Nick. He thinks Andi just felt bad about his nervousness and that's why he got a rose. Could be true? IDK.

Patrick is nervous because he spent more time courting Andrew than Andi. He got the names mixed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That bartender is from Utah. They have bars in Utah?!?!!?!?!?!?!?


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is truly grateful to be here.
I'm truly grateful that tonight's episode isn't 2 hours long!!!!!!!

Gentlemen, Andi, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The helicopter pilot got cut and I'm super bummed.

That lawyer with the bad jokes got cut.
He really thought he was going to marry her and have kids. Oopz.

Josh B. is crying. He can hear the other guys celebrating and not he's embarrassed. He accomplished nothing. He has to call his parents.

"This is stupid." -- Josh B.

So. That's that. Nothing happened.
Looks like we'll be here all season.

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