The Bachelorette :: Desiree : Epi 5.

Author's note: Monday evenings are beginning to feel like Monday mornings.
Just. Sad.

This is the most boring, bland, dull season of this show (OR ANY SHOW) ever. 

At least once a day I get a text/e-mail/g-chat message from someone telling me about how boring it is and how they can't watch anymore. 

I wish I could do the same, but I feel obligated to entertain LeeAnne Nelson and like, three other people, so here we are. 

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Des and her band of merry gentlemen head to Munich, Germany for some good clean fun.

In our first scene we have nine boyz left. Seven of the boyz are wearing a hoodie. This is unacceptable.

It's Desiree's first time in Europe and she said, "Danka" to the person holding open the door for her. : (

Chris tells the boyz that this is the first European vacay for Des and then drops the hammer: it's two-on-one date week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hoodies head to their hotel and Ben is wearing his hoodie sans shirt.

James's hoodie is actually a pea coat with a hood.
Chris speaks German.

Oh. I thought Chris wasn't wearing a hoodie, but he is. So. Sorry for the confusion.

That means, eight out of nine boyz are wearing hoodies. Eight grown men all wearing a hoodie.

Like, let that resonate a second.

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Chris (NOT HARRISON) and Des head out for their on-on-one. The first 5 minutes is just them looking at a map and flirting like middle schoolers. Like, I'm better at flirting than these goobs. We could honestly be watching two people on a middle school field trip and not know.

Oh!

~~**dRaMa**~~

Bryden has decided to go home. His feelings have not developed. He's going to set out into the city to find her and let her know. He is so noble. And for the first time, I think Bryden actually, totally, 100 percent gets this show.

Back to Des and Chris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They eat sausage and try on lederhosen and take a couple of selfies and gallop around in a circle.
Seriously. I think they were prancer-cising.

"I don't think anything can go wrong." -- Chris (NOT HARRISON)
FORESHADOWING. 
HE SAYS THIS AS BRYDEN IS SCOURING THE STREETS FOR DES!!!!!!!

Bryden just walks around asking people if they've seen "television cameras, shooting film?" You know what's hilarious? THEY PROBZ ARE SHOOTING THIS DIGITALLY, NOT WITH FILM!

Des and Chris are just blissfully spinning in circles while that guy on the tuba is playing the background music for what will become the saddest, most dramatic event to ever happen on the Bachelorette (this season, this episode, this segment).

Bryden stands by creepily for a second and then pulls Des aside for a quick minute.

The tuba music fades into the background and the piano death march fades in...

Bryden doesn't say much other than,  "C YA NEVER!!!!!!!!"

I can't even feel bad for this gUrl while she's wearing this coat. Or while she's boring me to sleep. I would rather listen to 2 hours of Polka music, featuring a beginner on the tuba, than this.

Des describes the situation as, "so annoying."

Chris wants Des to know that she can trust him, so he forces her into a heart-to-heart conversation in a mall food court. Is that a mall food court? A mall food court in Germany is like eating at a rest stop in America, right? I don't know.

I'm half-German, y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So. I'm really sad for Germany right now.

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The hoodies, back at the hotel, learn about the upcoming group date and two-on-one date. Ben and Michael G. (still have NO idea who or where the other Michael is?!?!?!) are going to go head-to-head on the two-on-one and Michael G. starts using a lot of legal jargon, but then eventually says, "I now need to go and murder Ben."

TALK ABOUT A RATINGS BOOST.
ABC could actually, finally bill that as the MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER.
Can you imagine? A murder?!

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We're back to Chris and Des and they are super dressed up. They are dining at the Munich Residenz, which was formally the palace for the Bavarian monarchy. I decided to google facts about this place rather than listen to these two white people talk about their broken hearts.

"My last boyfriend was very unexpressive." -- Des
Oh. Like, he just made a lot of sad faces?

Chris's story is just as BLAHHHHHHHHHHH. All he said was, "My last gUrlfrand wasn't really looking to be in a relationship, I guess."

You guess?
OY.

Chris wrote a poem on the plane ride to Germany.

"Feelings eternal if you choose me." -- Last line in the poem
ETERNAL?

"Des is the type of gUrl I would pursue: she's intelligent, she can throw a football, she can be comical, she's witty. Those are all characteristics I'm looking for." -- Chris
DO YOU KNOW WHAT 'CHARACTERISTIC' MEANS? 
'Throwing a football' is a skill, NOT a character quality. 

THIS IS THE LONGEST DATE IN REALITY TELEVISION HISTORY.

Who is Matt White?

"This is a fairy tale." -- Chris
See also: NIGHTMARE

These two white people are so perfect for each other.
They are going to take so many naps together after going to Whole Foods and the dog park in their Toyota Camry.

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It's time for the group date and the setting looks like a scene from "Inception." I really hope thatz the theme for this date.

I don't want to call anybody stupid, but I'm not sure Des is the smartest person to ever be on this show. Her vocabulary is just off. Right?

The group heads up to the top of a mountain where they meet up with a yodeler. The dude's jacket was amazing. I don't even know how to describe it, but I want it.

The boyz "tried" yodeling and Des was like, SO into the fact that these boyz "are so open to trying anything."

Baby gUrl.
Like. Baby gUrl, they were making fun of that guy, not trying new things. : (

Now, the gang is doing some sledding and everyone is super into watching Des "have fun like this."

Super silly snowball fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is the happiest place on Earth." -- Des
IS SHE CLINICAL?
FOR REAL THOUGH. 

Next up, the gang heads into an igloo. It was described as an igloo hotel AND an ice mansion. They are served white wine and pretzels. CLASSY, ABC. Classy.

Des tells the boyz to quit wasting their time and to pack up their shit if they aren't interested in being there.

Brooks is the first to get time with Des and he. just. starts. talking. SomethingsomethingGermanyAmazingSomethingHandsHandsKISSING.

Mikey really wants that rose. He thinks they have chemistry.

"Letz do something fun, let's make little snowmen! Do you want to?!" -- Mikey, to Des
"Do I?!" -- Des
You would've thought he asked her to sit front row at a Beyonce show the way she reacted to his idea to make snowmen. 

WHY ARE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SO ANNOYING?

Zak is in Germany and he's come full circle. In college, Zak thought he was going to become a priest, so he bought a one-way ticket to Europe and he climbed to a top of a mountain in Germany and decided to not be a priest. COOL STORY, BRO.

In college, I thought I was going to work in youth ministry and then, I didn't.

The group is now hating on James and no one, especially Brooks, is happy about him.

Brooks goes a creepin' and just watches Des and James kiss.

Doesn't matter.

Brooks gets the rose.

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TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben says he's not worried about Michael and he's just going to "act polite and be a good Christian man." Noted.

Michael describes the situation as "armageddon."
I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES, I DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP.
CAUSE I'D MISS YOU BABE.

Michael goes on and on about how much he hates Ben. He also drAnks some whiskey. Then, he starts talking about how he's an attorney.

"Today, Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersanation of a Southern gentlemen." -- Michael G. 
OMG. 
Wowwowowowowowoowowow.

Des thinks today is going to be awkward and she's right.

Michael spoke German.

"I came from the land where you can watch a dog run away for three days." -- Ben
FALSE. I live in Dallas. 
That dog is going to die on I-35. 

Des tells the boyz they are going to do a polar plunge.

JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are actually going to float around on the lake in a mobilized hot tub, called a "hot tug."
So, we have: fire, the wheel, electricity, the internetS, DVR and the hot tug.

And so begins Michael's beat down of Ben, in front of Des. He just goes after him relentlessly.

He calls Ben an absentee dad, after asking Ben if he's talked to his son since he's been in Germany.

"It's really hard to bite your tongue, to be a good Christian, to be a good man and not say anything." -- Ben
Desperately need to know his definition of "good Christian."

The other boyz are in the hotel discussing James.
Talk about hatin' the player AND the game.
THESE GUYS, AMIRIGHT?

Something about a boat and intimate settings on the water.

All of these guys are hoping to expose James to Des. They devise a plan to tell her everything.

BACK TO THE TWO-ON-ONE!!!!!!!!!

"That boat was not a lot of fun for me." -- Ben
SAMESIES!!!!!!!!!

Michael is ready to defend her honor and "expose Ben for the fraud that he is."

And so it begins.

Michael points out that no one likes Ben. Ben says he's not there to make frandz (bet he follows them all on Twitter though!!!!!!!!!).

In the middle of this, Des asks what traditions the boyz want to start with their families.

Ben says he wants to go to church every Sunday and Michael says, "WHAT ABOUT EASTER, BEN?"

And then, blahblahblahCALLSHIMOUTFORNOTGOINGTOCHURCHORCALLINGHISSONONEASTER

Ben excuses himself from the table and Michael tries to explain to Des that Ben is a liar.

Ben walks around outside and kind of punches the air and mumbles under his breath.
This is the exact behavior that used to happen at dances at my junior high.

AGAIN, Ben tells us that he's trying to be a "good Christian man." Like, I get it, bro. You're trying to live a life of integrity, serving others and spreading the Good News, right? Thatz what you mean? Just loving the Lord first and foremost?

Des goes out to check on Ben and Ben says he's never had anybody question his faith like this before. I'm pretty sure Michael just asked why he didn't go to church on Easter. Thatz not even a hard question.  It's not like he asked him if he thinks there's a sixth point to Calvinism OR to explain any of Revelation.

Des pulls Michael aside to ask him just what the hell IS wrong with Ben.

Michael explains that Ben never talks about his kid, but always talks about his bar. I would've also mentioned that tank top from a couple of weeks ago. Talk about a red flag.

It's time for the decision.

MICHAEL GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben gets up from the table and goes outside to punch the air again. In the first 10 seconds, ABC bleeps out two words from this "good Christian man."

Michael says, "justice has been done."

Ben is super sweet (see: CREEPY) to Des when he leaves.

He gets into that limo and just goes off.

"Wow, God. Tonight was a shock...you're not going to have a Bachelor if you're not careful... you're missing out... the single dad from Texas...HI HOLLYWOOD. I'm going to have fun my last night in Munich. Where are we getting drunk tonight?" -- Ben, in the limo
I guess, at this point, he was over trying to be a "good Christian man."

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Des sits down with Chris and talks about how much she LOVES Europe (see: Germany).

Chris calls her out for kissing people and I got bored.

She says she's falling for "these guys."
THESE GUYS.

Drew has a strong moral integrity and he won't stand for people who abuse this situation.
Kasey agrees, but wants to stay out of the ~~**dRaMa**~~

BUT, TWIST.

Ain't gonna be no cocktail party tonight.
Straight to the ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des thinks she can trust every guy there.
Baby gUrl. Sweet, sweet Des.

Is Kasey wearing #royalwedding attire?

SHE IS JUST NAILING THAT SPANISH, GANG.

FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The word "justice" is used again.

JAMES GETS THE FINAL ROSE.

Drew is at a loss. He describes James as a "cancer."

Brooks calls James a "shallow, piece of shit."

Mikey doesn't get a rose and FINALLY.
BECAUSE, all of it.

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Next week, the gang is headed to SPAIN.
I cannot wait to see Desiree's Spanish language speaking skills come out in full force!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : Epi 4.

Des is back!
The boyz are back!
Unfortunately, they never went anywhere.

Chrissy Poo rolls in to tell the boyz what to expect in the next few days. But, all I see is cloudy with a chance of HAIR GEL and HOODIES. There are 13 dudes left and more than half are wearing a hoodie while sitting in this living room. However, it seems that most of them have switched over to crew neck t-shirts. So.

VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.

Chris let the boyz know that they are headed to Atlantic City.
Read that again.

Atlantic City.

Basically, they've won a trip to a giant Cracker Barrell on the ocean.

I went to Atlantic City in February. The town Christmas tree was still up and on full display. In February.

This is me, in Atlantic City, getting my picture taken, then I spent most of my evening at a slot machine called KITTY GLITTER.

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It's time for the one-on-one date! Brad and Des head off into the cold morning air and all the boyz are skeptical. Brad has a kid AND IT'S HIS FIRST TIME ON THE BOARDWALK. Des really felt the need to bring that up, so I felt like I should bring it up, too.

Brad has apparently been living in Denver. He's never been on a boardwalk OR had salt water taffy. WHAT A TRAVESTY.

The two head to a candy factory or something and feed each other pretzels.

Des is super into Brad because he's just been "rolling with it" all day. Rolling with what? Is this some sort of Monopoly joke that I'm not following?

(FYI: Monopoly is based off of Atlantic City.)

While Des and Brad are being super crazy and totally silly some of the boyz at the hotel realize they can see the two frolicking on the boardwalk from their room, HUNDREDS OF YARDS AWAY. This is most upsetting to Zak. They only reason he can even confirm that it's probz them is because of the camera crew following them. Otherwise, HUNDREDS OF YARDS AWAY.

Next, Brad and Des head to the beach to check out a giant ass sandcastle.

"What type of gUrl do you typically date?" -- Des, to Brad
"Nothing specific." -- Brad
His answer was so vague. I think this is because he doesn't "specifically" date women. 

ZING!

The date on the beach lasted 14 minutes, so the two lovebirds head to a lighthouse for dinner. Des asks Brad if he has any pet peeves and he says, "People who can't be chill... EV-ER."

I don't know how either of these two idiots are awake right now, because I'm half-past dead over here.

They eat two bites of their dinners and head up to the top of the lighthouse. I also went to the top of a lighthouse when I was in New Jersey and let me tell you... 266 stairs is a shit ton of stairs.

They make it to the top and Des says, "Cool. Pretty," and then tells Brad to pack his shit and head back to his kid.

Love that she made him walk all the way up there to tell him that. I'm just imaganing if she got all the way up there and then was like, "Hold on," and she trotted back down those stairs, got the rose and then headed back up. But, that's a dream world. In this world, she just made him march up there.

This is what it looked like when I got sent down the stairs of a New Jersey lighthouse.

"I just got hit with a ton of bricks." -- Brad
LITERALLY?
OUCHIES!
: (

Brad has no regrets.

Brad doesn't even get a mini-van. HE HAS TO GET INTO AN ATLANTIC CITY TAXI CAB. Basically, they made him walk up 266 stairs to get dumped and then told him to get into a public restroom on wheels.

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GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The dudes head out to meet Des at Boardwalk Hall. Des says she has something "super fun" planned for them today.

No one has ever used the phrase "super fun" more loosely than the Bachelor franchise.

Chrissy Poo gives us like, a 45-minute diatribe on the history of the building they are in and then goes on to tell the boyz that they are going to be competing in a "pageant."

If the Miss America pageant isn't on ABC in September I'll give you my right arm.

The boyz are being super silly in preparation for the PAG, especially when picking a "talent."

"It's a hodge-podge of tomfoolery." -- Drew
HOW ARE WE ALL STILL HERE? And I mean, HOW ARE ANY OF US AS THE HUMAN RACE STILL HERE? 

About 30 seconds later we learn that Drew is going to recite Shakespeare as his "talent."
SO. SHAKESPEARE IS SO SAD.

Reigning Miss America, who happens to be rocking a denim onesie with a dual zipper, pulls each boy aside individually for the interview questions.

The questions, nor the answers were interesting.

That dude with the hair tells the guyz that they are also going to be competing in "swimwear."

Mikey is most upset because the swimsuit he's given is "bigger than the one I brought."
LIKE, WHAT?

Chrissy Poo tells the boys that there's going to be an audience, specifically, a "live audience."
Well, yeah.

What other kind of audience is there? Web cast? Dead audience?

First up, the interview portion of the "competition!"

Kasey has on a sweatshirt shaped like a suit jacket.

WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY TIE THEIR TIES?

Juan Pablo has a kid?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

That poor, poor Atlantic City mayor. : (
I hope he at least turned down this "opportunity" once or twice before being convinced by his teenage daughter to just "do it, Dad!"

The "talent" portion begins.
I'm super sad for anyone out there that possesses an actual talent. And I'll go ahead and include myself in that pool.

I don't even know how to describe this. I'm not laughing. Nor am I impressed.
Brooks smashed a ukulele on stage. That was interesting.

LETZ TALK ABOUT BRYDEN.
What. What. What.

I'm assuming ole boy had about 14 dranks before going on stage and pelvic thrusting in that mayor's face for the better part of 22 seconds. Right?

Swimsuit competition!

You can tell Des is really loving this. I can't imagine anyone else in the world enjoying this.

I still don't understand why just two of the boyz had to swear speedos. Like, makes no sense to me.

3rd place: Brooks
2nd place: Zak
WINNER: Kasey

Zak is really upset. And I'm, JOIN THE CLUB. This is terrible.

It's time for the group date. Some of the guyz changed out of their $400 swim trunks, which leads me to believe they don't know they were wearing $400 swim trunks.

Chris has a little "surprise" to show Des.

"I don't want to be weird, but I do write poetry." -- Chris

Y'all, ole boy has a leather journal in a pool. Where was he keeping that thing? He's in a pool and is only wearing a swimsuit. Likkkkkkkke.

Also. Des says she writes poetry, too. And not just that, but she goes to coffee shops to write poetry!

Everyone hates Ben. They hate him so much they leave him sitting alone all the time.

The hatred continues when Ben goes in for his one-on-one time and does it in front of everyone?
The boyz confront him over his choice of location.

But, you know what they say: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right?

We go back to the hotel for a few minutes and James is eating chocolate covered strawberries alone in a bathtub. And. I can't. I just. I won't. I can't.

Zak gets the chance to finish the rest of his song. AND. LIKE. You can't just go on national television and play "original" music. I truly believe EVERYONE IS BETTER THAN THIS.

HE HAS A LEATHER JOURNAL, TOO?!!?!?!?
Where are these guyz keeping these journals???????????

Des uses the word "amazing" twice to describe her day.

Zak gets the rose. So, like. I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE IN HUMAN BEINGS.

Bryden is really upset. And you know what? I would be, too. He is a veteran of a war and now he is in a pool in Atlantic City with 10 other guys. Like, his life can't turning out as he imagined it would.

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It's time for Desiree's one-on-one with James!!!!!!!!!

What's the plan you ask? A HELICOPTER TOUR OF HURRICANE SANDY DAMAGE.
Is this a joke?

First off, they managed to work a helicopter in.
Second, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I cannot imagine doing anything worse on a date. Especially a first date. And you're talking to (reading?) a person who went to New Orleans 4 years after Katrina hit and then came home and read like, 14 books about it. So, like. I get it.

BUT, THIS IS A DATE.

A date?!

I can't.

When I was in the Jerz I checked out the storm damage. You can't miss it. BUT, WOULD I EVER WANT TO GO ON A DATE AND LOOK AT DAMAGE FROM A NATURAL DISASTER? No.

And I'm not really in the business of turning down dates, okay? But, this?! Come on.

I'm just waiting on the Jersey Shore cast to show up. Actually, I'm pretty sure they just walked past the cast house. You can see the insane deck.

Des and James head over to Manny and Jan's house to check out their house.

I'm trying really hard to be sensitive right now, but where did they find Manny and Jan? That's a real question because I know where they find these other people.

They head inside Manny and Jan's house and at this point, I want them to cancel the rest of the season and GIVE US MORE MANNY AND JAN.

MANNY AND JAN 4LYFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des and James decide to give their date for the evening to Manny and Jan.
LIL SWEETIES.

Jason hopes they "have the time of their life," but if it's like any of the other dates on this show they won't eat and they'll just be sitting on a random couch in the middle of a random room all alone.

(Note: You'll notice I called the guy "Jason" in the above paragraph. Thatz not his name! But, I didn't change it because I want to show you how interested I am and how much I care.)

MANNY AND JAN ARE LIL CUTIES, BUT WE ARE SKIPPING IT.
(However, where'd Manny get that shirt?)

Des and James are at some dive bar eating a slice of pizza and drinking a beer. Des tells us about what makes her happy and y'all, it's not money.

"I could live on an island and be so happy." -- Des
Umm. Yeah. Most people could?
And you know how you get to live on an island?
MONEY.

James tells Des about how he cheated on his high school gUrlfrand during their freshman year of college.

James is 27 now? So. That was 9 years ago.

"A man can't really love until his heart's been broken." -- James
OH. 
I'm still letting that resonate. 

Des is really upset about this revelation from James. I understand that, but if people start basing their current opinions of me on LC at 18. Well, C YA NEVER. What a disaster!

Des and James meet up with Manny and Jan. Actually, they interrupt them!!!!!!!! Rude.

HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do we think Manny and Jan have half a clue who Darius Rucker is even?

Oh. Jan just told Manny he was, "So sexy! So sexy!"
So. There's that.

Des gives James the rose, because after you make someone tour damage from a natural disaster, you have to give them a rose.

Darius Rucker is currently experiencing success. Like, in this moment. WHY IS HE HERE?

Y'all. Manny was shaking that azz. Did you see it? DANNNNNNNNG.

They make Manny and Jan go away, BECAUSE this is television. So, they just go sit in some chairs and watch. Weirdsies.

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PRE-PARTY BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des has on a sequin dress and she looks like a casino cocktail waitress. : (

Michael pulls Des aside and hits her up with an acrostic poem.
AN ACROSTIC POEM.
(SHOUT OUT! LUCY!)

Des just keeps saying, "Oh! Thank you... thank you." But, he gets some kisses. I would never kiss a guy wearing a tie like that.

Bryden lets the boyz know that he's thinking about leaving.

Des tells Chris that she's been "fending for herself" since she was 18.

"Frandz don't kiss." -- Des
BUT. I THOUGHT EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW WAS LOOKING FOR THEIR BEST FRAND???????

Bryden pulls Des aside and tells her that this process is "difficult." Of all the words in the world, I'd say this was not the correct choice. Especially for a guy WHO HAS FOUGHT IN A WAR.

Des tells Bryden that she wants him here.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des is super thankful for the guys being there.
I wish they'd all go home.

SPANGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bryden waits about 12 seconds to accept the rose. So. He's all talk.

FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY.

Mikey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, I'm convinced something is wrong with ole gUrl's brain. She just gave a rose to a guy who legitimately acts like an 8th grader. And not even a cool 8th grader. An annoying 8th grader.

"Rejection is not fun... it's a hard thing to grasp...something you think is great, is ACTUALLY, not great." -- Zack
Well. Yeah. 

I got lost during the rest of his speech. He talked and talked and talked and talked. Then, he cried.
So. Way to lock it up there, boy.

Desiree's vocabulary is really lacking.

She describes everything as "so fun," and "so good."
Get a thesaurus!

-----

Des and the boyz are headed to Germany next week.

You're all in luck. I tried to teach myself German in 7th grade.

-----

Also. I'd like to take a moment to wish a very happy burrday to this gem of a lady, Becky!

SHOUT OUT, gUrl. Shout. Out. 

Becky is kind, she is smart, she is important. 

She also opens up her home every week (probz against her will) for gUrls everywhere to have a safe place to watch all of this BS. We are forever grateful. 

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : Epi 3.

Before tonight's epi I prayed that this wouldn't be 2 hours of different colored v-necks and side parts. I'm not sure my prayer was answered.

I'm fairly confident that those Old Navy reunion commercials featuring celebrities from the early '90s are much more entertaining. All those frandz back together in the name of moderately priced clothing?! Now thatz good TV!

And this? This is just TV. We press onward. 

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We start off with the weekly team huddle with the boyz and Chrissy Poo. Chris lays out the rules. He also tells the boyz that the one-on-one date, "is where you want to be." THIS GUY. AMIRIGHT?

We learn that the group date is going to take place on a battlefield. This is the first time in a long time that I've been excited to see what is going to happen next. I mean, a battlefield? People are just going to kill each other off to capture Desiree's affections? NO. They are playing dodge ball.

There's a commissioner of a national dodge ball league?

The boyz play against the "professional" dodge ballers and itz sad. But, not that sad, because ITZ GROWN MEN PLAYING DODGE BALL AGAINST EACH OTHER. Itz not like itz a thing.

Chris comes in to tell the boyz that they are going to play each other for a chance to win extra date time with Des. OH BOY! They wear small shorts and are headed to a "very, very public place." Is any public place more public than another when filming a television show for a national audience? I say no. But, I don't know that much.

"This isn't my grandfather's dodge ball." -- Dude
MY GRANDFATHER WAS IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC FOR 4 YEARS DURING WORLD WAR II.  So. Yeah, this isn't his dodge ball, because there aren't Japanese Kamikazes trying to kill you while you're playing dodge ball at the mall. 

So. Des is just loving this. She thinks itz SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny that the boyz are in small-ish shorts and tank tops. She is easily entertained. And she is just giggling and giggling and giggling.

THIS IS THE SADDEST FRAT PARTY I'VE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION.

"I remember playing dodge ball as a child in school." -- Des
This what we have to work with here. (WHICH IS NOTHING)

The game is a best of three series. Game one gets down to Chris, for the red team, and Drew, for the blue team. Drew is narrating the final play for us, the audience, and nothing he describes is actually happening.

"He threw the ball and thankfully, it bounced straight into my direction."
He actually threw two balls back-to-back, and "thankfully" you're supposed to throw the balls in the direction of the other team. 

"I grab the ball off the ground and in one fluid motion, I swing it around."
He picked up two balls off the ground, like a regular person and threw it like a regular person. There was no swinging of anything. 

"Crowd went wild. Dog pile in the middle."
People screamed because they are on television. There was no dog pile. 

Like, I really think he thought he was narrating something for us OTHER THAN GROWN MEN PLAYING DODGE BALL AGAINST EACH OTHER.

The blue team wins game one and we have to watch more of this.
The red team wins game two.

NOW, ITZ REALLY EXCITING.

Within seconds of the championship match starting, Brooks goes down. Des is upset. She doesn't want to see him in pain OR see him go to the hospital. Brooks goes to the hospital, so the blue team decides to take a "man" off the battlefield. UM, HELLO. This is dodge ball, that guy is down, YOU LEAVE YOUR MEN ON THE FIELD, BROS.

"This is do or die. This is game 7 of the World Series." --Drew
WHAT IS HE PLAYING? 
DOES HE THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORLD SERIES IS JUST BECAUSE I AM A gUrl?

The game is finally over and the blue team wins. THERE WAS A DOG PILE THIS TIME.

The only thing less exciting than watching this was thinking about watching this.

Des breaks the news that she's going to bring EVERYONE to the party, not just the winners.

-----

AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!

So.

Brooks is in a hospital.
With oxygen.
On a hospital bed.
With more than one doctor taking care of him.

He rode there in an ambulance.

FOR A BROKEN FINGER.

The summer before third grade I broke my arm and rode to the hospital in my family's mini-van and asked my dad to stop for chocolate ice cream on the way there because I thought it'd make me feel better. I got to the hospital and they set my arm and gave me a cheap ass teddy bear and we went home.

I was a nine-year-old gUrl.

And this guy?
OY VEY. : (

Brad tells us that he needs to tell Des some stuff about his past that has been haunting him. I HOPE ITZ ABOUT AN ACTUAL GHOST BECAUSE I AM BORED.

NOPE.

"I have a three-year-old son." -- Brad
BORED. 

Des reacts to this news like someone told her she won the lottery. No, G. No. YOU'RE GOING TO BE A STEP-MOM. Not quite the same thing when you're 26 and single in LA.

Chris (NOT Chrissy Poo) is worried that he's being looked over. So, he wants to do something special. He takes her to a secluded spot, so they can be alone. RED FLAG.

Brooks is back. And he is not going to let us forget that he hurt his finger and he holds it in the air.

"Itz not that big of a deal." -- Brooks
I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HIS MEDICAL BILLS. 
I MEAN. OXYGEN.

They make out and his finger seems fine.

Des thinks itz so "special" that Brooks came back. Like, what else would he do? YOU DON'T STAY IN THE HOSPITAL OVER NIGHT FOR A BROKEN FINGER.

Chris gets the rose.

Because Chris gets the rose, the two of them get to enjoy a "private" and "personal" concert. BUT. Throughout the "private" and "personal" concert the other boyz are watching and commenting on watching them dancing and kissing. So. Itz all pretty creepy.

-----

Des is at her house journaling or something and Chrissy Poo calls her on a LANDLINE. She acts surprised that itz Chris calling, BUT LIKE, WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE THAT NUMBER?

(Then it shows her talking on an iPhone.) THIS IS SO FAKE.

Anyway. They head to the house.

They pull that Brian guy outside and basically, nothing happens. A gUrl rolls through the house WEARING LEATHER PANTS and all the boyz are SHOCKED.

Stephanie introduces herself as Brian's girlfriend.
She goes for the handshake, Des goes for the hug.

THIS IS WHY SHE DOESN'T WORK FOR THIS SHOW. SHE'S HUGGING THE gUrl COMING TO BRING THE DRAMA.

Baby gUrl came in hot, guns-a-blazin'.

I just don't even know about this. Baby gUrl is a terrible actor. So, maybe itz real. But.

"Donovan! Don't you care about Donovan?" -- baby gUrl Stephanie
WTF IZ DONOVAN?

Chrissy Poo steps in and tries to fan the flames/be wise counsel.

BORED.

How do we take this seriously when everyone is wearing a different shade of pink and Chris threw on a blazer for the confrontation?

"How could it be possible that you could go to our casting and tell us that you're single?" -- Chrissy Poo
Um. Is that your real question? ITZ POSSIBLE BECAUSE HUMANS. 


We learn that baby gUrl Steph and Brian did the dirrty two days before Brian came out to LA.

Des tells Brian to pack his bags.

"What am I supposed to tell Donovan?" -- baby gUrl Steph
Like, I feel like we have other things to worry about right now. 
Also. DONOVAN?

Des tells Steph that she appreciates her bravery for coming on the show and then Steph gets in a limo and thatz it.

Seriously. The Bud Light Platinum commercials are more exciting than this.

BEN HAS ON A HALTER TOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des tells the guys to spill the beans RIGHT NOW, if they have something to tell her.
CRICKETS.

-----

Brandon is most upset about this situation because he didn't have a dad and Brian left a single mom behind. I feel bad for the dude as he's bawling his eyes out on camera about not having a father, but he's wearing a hoodie sans shirt. So. Like.

Nah.

-----

KASEY'S ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Des does have on nude pants if you were wondering. Looks like she doesn't have pants on, but she does.

Has Kasey been on this show before or did he go to my high school? I can't ever tell.

We learn that they are going to "dance on the side of a building."

For the record, this is called bandaloop. Apparently, itz a thing. But, y'all. Itz not. Nothing has ever been less of a thing than BANDALOOP.

"Him and I started having a great time." -- Des
HIM AND I?

Des says the date isn't going the way she hoped. She sounds like a sad Taylor Swift song.

They head up to the top of the building for dinner and the wind started blowing about 22 miles per hour.

So, they get into the pool.

The pool was cold, so Des put a towel on her head. WHILE THEY WERE IN THE POOL.

Kasey uses this moment to kiss Des and they end up cuddling on the stairs.

Kasey gets the rose. DUH.

-----

ANOTHER GROUP DATE!!!!!!!!!

The boyz get to the date via stagecoach. BECAUSE TELEVISION.

There are five boyz on this date and they are basically all dressed alike. They are all white and they are all physically fit. Whatz the difference? They are all the same person.

WE MIGHT AS WELL BE STANDING IN LINE AT WHOLE FOODS RIGHT NOW.

Oh, boy! We're going to be doing stunts! Oh, boy! This guy trained Johnny Depp with his "cowboy bootcamp." Same or different type of boot camp everyone on my Facebook newsfeed bitches about all the time?

"Today, I'm going to learn to be a hero." -- James
He said this as the guy who went to Iraq is standing two feet from him. 

So far the "stunts" involve roping a bale of hay.

Everyone is dressed like they are a Mumford and/or Son.

HORSES!

The competition begins.

Something about rodeo clowns.

BRYDEN WAS IN THE ARMY.
He must feel so sad on the inside.

One dude's pants split. He's a beverage sales director. BARTENDER???????

Juan Pablo speaks Spanish the whole time and THAT IS LIKE, SO FOREIGN TO EVERYONE.

"You all did so good." -- Des
NO. They did WELL. 
They didn't do good, they did well. 

Juan Pablo won the "competition."

"There was a theater... with popcornS and stuff." -- JP
HE'S NOT FROM HERE, Y'ALL. 

Are they really watching an entire movie while everyone else is somewhere else?

Also, Disney owns ABC, so like. They do what they want.

JP LEADS WITH THE TONGUE.

I can't imagine a less comfortable place to make out. WICKER FURNITURE IN A BARN.

Now, everyone is back to party!

Someone on the production team made a move on Etsy. Mason jars as drinking glasses?! Itz like a wedding! And all the hay?!  AN INSTAGRAM DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bryden combed his hair and unbuttoned his shirt a little. So. Baby boy got some help from somewhere. I bet he borrowed that shirt from someone.

Listening to Bryden talk seems a lot like what sitting through a parent-teacher conference with a band director would be like. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A KID OR A KNOW WHAT A BAND IS.

Zak tells Des that he tried to kiss her and they just giggle and giggle and giggle. But, he does not attempt to kiss her again. BOLD.

Does Des have an actual sense of humor? I mean, there's an easy laugher and then there's this. THIS. What even is this?

James tells some story about his Dad. His dad is sick. He needs to know RIGHT NOW, if this is a waste of time.

James gets the rose, BECAUSE SAD STORIES WORK.

When Des went to retrieve the rose, James picked a daisy for Des to accept.
OMG HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING CUTER THAN THAT, YOU GUYZ??????????

Personally, I've seen Anne Geddes photos with more charm.

-----

Chrissy Poo tells us that the cocktail party is cancelled, BECAUSE RELAX CHILL POOL PARTY.

Ben is being super creep and hanging out the door waiting on Des. HE IS WEARING A HALTER TOP.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN BUY ONE OF THOSE FOR A BOY?

Ben asks Des to go on a short drive and goes on some diatribe about the "dad zone." And of course, they kiss in front of everyone.

gUrls, have you ever kissed a man wearing a halter top? Were you wearing a halter top?

WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THAT HOT TUB?

"My favorite part about today was seeing the guys." -- Des
O M G
LIKE, gUrl. 
You are so sweet. Junior high must've been sooooooooo hard. : (

Ben lied to Mikey and Chris about being with Des. So, naturally Mikey pulls Ben aside to confront him.

"My dating life is not public." -- Ben
HOLY SHIT. 
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS IS ON TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!!!

Brandon pulls Des aside and he feels like he has a lot to offer her. He also says every time he hangs out with her IS THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE. : (

Then, he starts talking about his mom's boyfriends.

OH. HE TOLD HER HE WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.
TERRIBLE, AWKWARD KISS.

Y'all. THIS GUY.

We just went from Dateline to Lifetime movie.

EVERY BOY IS IN THAT HOT TUB. ALL OF THEM.
Itz like watching the after-party of an Olympic diving event.

----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa. Des thought she was going to somewhere other than the filming of a television show. Baby gUrl got all gussied up. Who's laughing now Des' junior high classmates? Who's laughing now?

SHE DID THE SPANISH THING AGAIN AND NOW, I'M OFFENDED.
Why doesn't she trace back all of the boyz' heritage and speak in their ancestors' language?!?!!?!?

Final rose, when you're ready!!!!!

Ben gets the final rose.

BRANDON DOES NOT GET A ROSE.
LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.
BRANDON DOES NOT GET A ROSE.

HERE WE GO!

Dan handles it well. Which in this world, means he handled it LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

Des walks outside to talk to Brandon. Brandon is crying.

"It sucks so bad... she just didn't feel it." -- Brandon
"Once again, someone left me."
"I can't even cry... I just... I'm out of tears."
Boy, put it on lock!

I'm out of tears and patience. ABC better get some live tigers or something up on this biz next week. Either that, or play more Old Navy commercials.

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : epi 2.

Much to my detriment, another Monday is upon us and Des and her merry brood of gentleman courters are on my television. My only goal is to stay awake, as I'm not sure a more uninteresting group of people has ever had this much airtime on prime time television. It's like a never-ending advertisement for khaki pants and light beer.

-----

Of course, we have to start off the show with 4 years worth of recaps explaining exactly what DID NOT happen last week: entertainment. And then, of course, we move on to Chrissy Poo ever-so-carefully explaining the upcoming week to the merry brood of gentlemen courters. This is where we pick it up.

Somewhere in Hollywood, during the production of this show, a low-level assistant said, "How many v-necks can fit on one couch, y'all? Should we switch up the game?" And someone replied back, "Deep neck or regular? It doesn't matter, as long as there's one baseball T and a couple of hoodies, ok?"

The one-on-one date card was revealed and it's Brooks! (Exclamation mark emphasis is mine.)

Brooks looks like a high school cross country runner.

Cut to Des at her pad. Oh, she's drawing! Because she's a designer. So. If I was on this show, they would show me staring at a blank Word document all day?

Des leaves the house hopeful, but she also leaves in an Old Navy tank top and a pair of tall boots.

"I love you guys in your normal clothes." -- Des, to the boyz
What she really meant was, "DID AMERICAN APPAREL HAVE A GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE?"

All of the boyz are really impressed with Desiree's ride and no one seems to care that it's like, sea foam blue-green.

Brooks tells Des that she has a "good presence about her." Which, could also mean, "YOU ARE KIND OF BORING, but pretty, so. Okay!"

IN THE ULTIMATE TWIST OF STUPIDITY AND WHAT THE HELL: Des takes Brooks to a bridal shop to try on dresses and tuxedos. Des keeps saying how great it was that Brooks was playing along and what not, but I'm like-- whatz he going to do, flip his shit and be all, "WEDDING DRESSES, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." No. Obviously no. This is a game, gUrl. Baby boy has to play along.

Brooks says that the day has been full of so many surprises. The only surprise being some crazy ass chick took you to a bridal shop on your first date, bro.

Des takes Brooks up to the Hollywood sign and they get to actually sit on the sign and have a picnic. Kind of cool. Kind of terrifying. Kind of a lot of Target pillows.

I'd like to talk about baby gUrl's shoes. I mean, I'm not a shoe person by any means, but I'm pretty sure she had on some  dirrty Skechers. If they weren't dirrty, then I'd like to know why she bought a pair of BROWN tennis shoes. Woof.

Des goes on some diatribe about what the Hollywood signs means to her. DreamsdreamsdreamsLAdrawingdreamsBORED.

Brooks seems to be wearing his high school cross country state championship ring.

"When he falls in love, he falls in love. And that's such a great quality. That's the quality I'm looking for in a man." -- Des
Is that an actual quality??????????????????????????

Brooks compares their first kiss and impending love story as something that could be "as grand and idolized as this Hollywood sign." Like, shit, bro. Chillllllllllll for me, babe.

Oh, good! Itz not over yet. Des plays a super fun prank on Brooks and drives him through a "shady area" and then moves a "road closed" sign to turn down a street. LIKE, YEAH RIGHT, THAT WOULD HAPPEN OUTSIDE OF A REALITY TV SHOW, YOU IDIOT BOY. His mind is like a sixth grade gUrl's. (My apologies to any and all smart sixth grade gUrls.)

The bridge is set up for dinner and there's not a pillow left at the nearest Home Goods.

Brooks tells Des, "there's still so much I need to know about you." OY. This guy!

Des goes on some soliloquy about her parents.

"My parents have been together for 40 years...my dad has my mom's back no matter what." --Des
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. When did this become a thing? Like. That's not a thing. My parents just celebrated 35 years of marriage. They've definitely had their ups-and-downs and all of that, but I've never heard them fight and scream, "I just wish for once you had my back!" This isn't a street gang. You don't get married so someone "has your back." You get married for the joint checking account.

Brooks comes from a broken home and he cried.
Dadissuesblahblahblahdad19blahtryingblahblah.

Brooks gets a rose. BUT, THE DATE ISN'T OVER. NO, THERE'S MORE. THERE'S A BAND.

This is always the saddest part of the show for me, because I know some musician somewhere is at the point of his career where his manager has said, "This could be that push we've been looking for since that time you played Island Party at Arizona State in 2004." Unlike a band that shows up on a WB show, I've rarely seen any of these bands go big after this show. (Save Eli Young Band? I think they were on a few years ago. And maybe Luke Bryan?)

CUE TERRIBLE WHITE PEOPLE DANCING. It's like no one else in the world was at that frat party! (He wan't that bad, but man. She was bad.)

"Can it get any better than this?" -- Des
Yes. 

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One guy in pink pants, one guy in pink shorts, 11 guys in some kind of v-neck shirt, one henley, one off-brand polo and one button-down.

Des tells the guys they are going to be "starring" in their own rap video. And to help them do this?! SOULJA BOY (tell 'em).

SAD DAY FOR SOULJA BOY.

Soulja has each boy rap for him.

So.
MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2013: THE DAY RAP MUSIC DIED. 

Soulja picks out four boyz to be the rappers and everyone else is a back-up dancer. There's even a choreographer.

EVERYTHING IS REALLY SAD, YOU GUYZ.

One guy isn't wearing pants and everyone else is wearing weird clothes, too. AND THEN THE SUPER SILLY PLOT IS REVEALED.

All the lyrics to the song are things former Bachelorette contestants have said to other Bachelorettes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!! SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried not to be disturbed that all of these dudes recognized these phrases as past Bachelorette contestant phrases, but I did think it was really weird that the #guy knew a first and last name of a contestant. TAKE A STEP BACK, BRO.

Ben is up first and he's supposed to be Wes, from Austin, the villain! All of the boyz are heckling Ben and it's annoying. NOT AS ANNOYING AS THOSE COWBOY HATS, but annoying.

"It's nice to see that looks and personality can combine." -- Des
: (
Baby gUrl, you deserve better than this. I don't know who hurt you or told you that you don't, but you do!

"It's nice to have Soulja Boy here to guide everything that's going on." -- Des
BUT, LIKE. WHAT IS GOING ON?
You're killing off an entire genre of music.

That one guy doesn't have any pants on and everyone seems pretty disturbed by it. I'm just as disturbed by the giant pillow that was made from a Polar Bear's fur.

No-pants-guy is pretty bad at rapping.

It's almost over, but then no. Des has to rap, too. : (

Then, they danced. : (

GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If baby gUrl says, "right reasons" one more time I'm going to throw a puppy.

Zak W. gets the first portion of alone time with Des and he brings her an "antique" journal wrapped in a styrofoam package. It's kind of a cool gift, but he could've bought a regular journal, too.

Also, why didn't Cara ever write in that journal? The words didn't flow from her pen OR the emotions of her heart. WHAT IF CARA DIED BEFORE SHE COULD EVER WRITE IN THE JOURNAL? WHAT IF CARA DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE? : (

"Love is like a butterfly." -- Brandon
Love is like a lot of things. Love is not like a butterfly. 
NEXT. 

Ben tells us he's old-fashioned and he's the guy who goes after the gUrl. He's also old-fashioned in the sense that he has a child with his "best friend" back at home. THAT'S A SITUATION I REALLY WANT TO GET MYSELF INVOLVED IN.

Ben swoops in and steals Des from Mikey T.
This cements Ben's role as villain.
All of the dudes are acting like baby gUrls.

"Right reasons" count: 376

I don't think Ben has a shirt on underneath his quarter-zip sweater, but that doesn't deter him from kissing Des. This, basically public kiss, leads us to the first breakdown of the season from Brandon. He's in deep and can't handle his feelings or her kissing another man.

Baby boy better lace 'em up tight.

(WIFE SWAP BETWEEN JOAN RIVERS AND BRISTOL PALIN? YES, PLZ!!!!!!)

Michael G. is here for the right reasons. Like, THANK THE GOOD LORD FOR THAT. Michael G. cares about women and respecting them. Especially his Nana. He also wants Des to know that he's got her back.

Quick summation: Michael G. is here for the RIGHT REASONS and he HAS HER BACK.

All the group date boyz are talking about Ben. Mikey T. decides to talk one-on-one with him. I hope Ben addresses all the patterns Mikey T. has going on tonight, too.

Mikey T. wants to feel like he's frandz with Ben!!!!!!! What a sweetie! Ben likes Mikey's shoes.

Confirmed: Ben does not have a shirt on underneath that quarter-zip.

Brandon sits down and lists all of the non-awesome things about himself and then he says, "I was born and I had a mom and a dad."

OY. This is going to be a long story.

Something about truancy and wanting kids and a great life?
BORED.

"I want to come home to you and I just want to love you." -- Brandon
TOO SOON. 

Where do you think he got that blazer from? But, for real. Where?

BEN GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!
HEADZ ARE SPINNING!!!!!!!!!!

UGH.
Then they "rapped" us out before a commercial break.

I can't. I just.

-----

It's time for Bryden's one-on-one date and I'm already yawning.

Des called the group date, "like, the best time of my life." Again. gUrl, I don't know who hurt you, but YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

Des is taking Bryden on a "road trip." She says "road trip" A LOT.

I think Bryden borrowed that shirt from someone. First off, there's no way there's an American Apparel in Montana. Second, just no. He seems real uncomfortable.

"California embodies everything that I am...there are so many opportunities to explore." -- Des
I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS, PLZ. 

Des takes Bry-Bry to a beach since, "he's like, never even been to California." Way to put him on blast, G!

They make a stop at a place called Neptune's Net, which was a place JUSTIN BOBBY TOOK AUDRINA ON 'THE HILLS' ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They end up in an orange grove and they do some sprints.

And then they make their way to Ojai!

I never know if the background music is supposed to be sexy or sad. Sexy or sad?! SEXY. or. SAD?

It usually makes me sad.

BORED. I AM SO BORED.
THAT WAS LITERALLY 9 MINUTES OF NOTHING.

DINNER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bryden is the perfection combination of attractive and not attractive.

The tiniest amount of mousse would do wonders for ol' boy.

"You show who are you if you're having a good time." -- Bry-Bry
Say who?

Bryden tells Des about a car accident he was in during college AND THEN HE PULLS OUT PHOTOS OF THE WRECK. (WHO CARRIES THOSE AROUND?)

Like, he was like, "I hope I can talk about this wreck I was in. Oh! I should bring these photos, too!"

Bryden keeps talking about having fun and making the most out of life and every day and having fun and I'm just like... you are the least amount of fun ever. (I mean, being nice does amount to being a shit ton of fun.) I have watched infomercials on blenders that have captivated me more than these two together. I have read essays about seat belts that are more engaging and enjoyable.

Bryden gets the rose.

And they take that rose straight to the hot tub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next few minutes are the most awkward in television history. Can't. I just.

FINALLY, FINALLY, Des says, "Just kiss me already."

Normally, I wouldn't be a huge advocate of that, but something had to happen. They needed to kiss or one of them needed to drown because the montage of Bryden saying, "yeah, this was awesome and fun," HAD TO END.

Go gUrl.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need Mikey to not have this much time on my television. He has to be a 'Jersey Shore' cast reject. Right?


Michael G. has a crush on Des, so he really wants to get some things off of his chest.

HE HAS DIABETES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cue music.

Y'all Diabetes is serious. It's debilitating, eventually you could die from complications. BUT, ALSO... you cannot do this, Michael G. STOP TALKING ABOUT BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS.

Ben swoops in about the time Michael is explaining what types of cookies he can and cannot eat and how he has to buy sugar free candy and how that makes him different and ready for love.

The boyz are mad.

Ben is laying it on real thick.

Michael G. is upset, he really needs to discuss what would need to happen if his blood sugar gets too high and she needs to take care of him.

ALL OF THE BOYZ CONFRONT BEN.

Ben, you cannot interrupt someone when they are explaining the difference between Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes. You just can't. What if Des thought Michael G. had the type of diabetes that comes from eating a shit ton of butter? That's not something to mess with, bro!

Ben says he did for "me and Des."
OY.

Michael G. pulls Ben aside and "calls him out" on his actions. Michael G. keeps saying he doesn't care if Ben is his frand or not, but BRO, you gotta know what to do in case he needs a glass of orange juice during a blood sugar situation!

Now, the boyz are mad that Ben hasn't been talking about his son, but he has been talking about his bar and nutrition shop. Seems like a weird business model. You own a bar and a nutrition shop? What's less nutritious than a bar?

WHO IS BRIAN? WHY DID HE PICK HER UP? HE IS STRAINING, YOU CAN TELL BY HIS VOICE.

Bored.

Brian tells his most recent relationship story, which begins the most vague story in the history of ever.

"Things changed." -- Brian

WHAT IS THIS CONVERSATION? No one is even saying anything. It's like hearing someone read 167 Facebook statuses in a row.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Did she just say that in Spanish? Was that even Spanish?
I think I'm offended? You know who else is offended? Mrs. Binns, my 11th grade Spanish teacher, that once told someone she was surprised I made it to college. (Note: I made an 'A' in her class and was in Spanish Honor Society. Not sure why she was so surprised. Also, it's Arkansas, not like it's that hard to get into a college.)

Final rose!!!!!!!!!!!! When you're ready!!!!!!!

Brandon gets the final rose, delaying his Dateline premiere by at least 4 days!

Will was super excited about having a relationship with Des, but it just didn't work out. You know what else isn't working out? THAT UGLY GREEN SHIRT.

Robert didn't see this coming, especially because he came out here for the right reasons.

"This is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare." -- Robert
NAILED IT. 

Nick is also shocked. I am shocked that I've never even seen him before. He seems the most upset about this "break-up." He's definitely the dude from high school trolling his high school crush's FB page to see if she's divorced yet or not. : (


NEXT WEEK: TANK TOPS, AMBULANCE AND A gUrlfrand?

-----

Oh. The full music video.
I've never been so sad. Like, sad.
Just sad.

I can't.