connect the dots.

Isn't it always crazy the day you look back at your life and say, "Ohhhhh, I get it now. That happened because ___ happened and ____ happened because of_____." And then, everything in your world is new for a little while and you b-bop along happily until you get angry that _____ happened, sometimes for a second or third time. 

For example, Shasta McNasty is so upset that Robert broke-up with her. She's devastated and won't listen to any Taylor Swift songs, but then she meets Jason and realizes everything she learned from Robert and "bam!" all the pieces fit together for her. This cycle is repeated until Shasta gets married. 

I say all of this for a few reasons:

First, in 10 years when I'm an alcoholic I don't want anyone to be shocked (myself or otherwise). I want to remember that I became an alcoholic because of Dallas traffic. I want to be able to say, "Well, since I sat in traffic all the time with idiot drivers, who go completely ignorant anytime it rains, I decided to start drinking and now I'm here." 

Second, in 20 years when I've had my fifth back surgery I want to remember that I'm having that surgery because I thought buying a television was more important than buying a new mattress. I want to be able to say, "Yes, doctor I know this could have been prevented. I know there were early warning signs, but the pain was never at the forefront of my mind because I was watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge in HD on a huge television!" 

And when I've lost my bid to became a state senator I want to remember that it's because I'm an  alcoholic with a bad back and not because I'm not awesome. I want to be able to look back at my life and say, not what I could've done different or how I could've done more to get elected, no, I want to be able to blame it all on Dallas traffic. 

I want to be able to connect the dots.

So, I close with a warning: pay attention to your life. One trip to Target could turn you into a meth addict. Or having someone tell you to "lay off the bacon," could cause you to revolt against bacon for the better part of your life no matter how much you love it's fatty goodness. 

the 25th.

Today, my bestie, Brittain, who was also my former blogmate turns 25-years-old. It's a monumental day for her as her car insurance rates get lower, she can rent a car and she's closer to 30 than 20. That's a hefty day. 

Having a friend like Brittain is difficult and challenging at times, but the dividends that those trials produce are fruitful and abundant.  Her friendship is truly worth its weight in hair products. 

This blog has seen it's fair share of dedications to Brittain, so I'm going to spare you on all the reasons I love Brittain because just like when she turned 24 the world is better because she's in it. 

Happy Burrday, Britta. You are loved. 

tagging?

Have you ever met someone that immediately had a profound impact on your life? Your world was suddenly changed simply because you knew them? Yes, that is what it was like for me the day I met Karen Gross Rector. 

Karen, who doesn't have a lazy eye, but can perform a body roll on command, has recently "tagged" me over the internetS. How do you break someone's heart and tell them that participating in a "tagging" event via weblogs is just not your idea of a good time? I'm not sure, I'm not sure anyone really is, but here it goes: KareBear, I cannot participate in your game of "tag." I'm terribly sorry. 

But, to restore the friendship and heal the wounds I have undoubtedly just created, I'll participate 2% in homage to your Aggie-loving ways.

8 things I did yesterday: You'll have to settle for one thing.

1. Hung out with lil' hoodrat, Harper Pardue, without parental supervision

8 shows I watch: You'll have to settle for three.
1. Designing Women
2. 30 Rock

3. So You Think You Can Dance

There you have it.

I tag no one. 

the hills: deuces.

So, last night was the season finale of The Hills. It was LC's last episode and Spencer and Heidi's wedding. I remember the first time I ever heard of LC. It was the first season of Laguna Beach and she was trampsin' around Orange County and my life changed forever because of her. For years, I was LC and now, suddenly, I was LC, not the one from Laguna Beach or The Hills. 

They are treating her leaving this show like it's the freakin' Cosby Show or something. Hello, it's reality television, this is her life. I just don't understand. Clearly, the producers don't understand either. Instead of sending LC off to a fictional college or something, they are just making her move out of her house and are forcing Lo to ask, "but, really what's next?" I'll tell you what's next-- Tuesday. Come on. 

-----

Heidi wants the most extravagant wedding EVER and StephiePratt wants to be a bobblehead apparently the way she keeps agreeing with Heidi.

"I want it to be the best cake anyone has ever had, because that's the most important part of the whole thing." -- Heidi

Heidi just can't seem to really decide on what's most important: LC in attendance, cake or marrying Spencer. I can see the toughness on that. Really.

And hello, StephiePratt, if a girl has a sister and she isn't nine and she isn't shooting up heroin or sleeping with the groom, she's a definite MOH, why are your feelings hurt? Because you have a pen and paper and are writing down names of flowers? Get serious about your life.

-----

Spencer and Darlene sit down for a meal and guess what, Darlene doesn't even eat! 

"I want to be the opposite of the person you met." --Spencer

What's the opposite of Satan, Spencer? Darlene gives her blessing and wants to believe Spencer is new and improved. I vote he's old and not improved. 

----

"You're glowing." --Audrina, to Heidi

Holly, the MOH, shows up a few minutes late, undoubtedly at the prodding of the producers, and the gUrls crew, minus Jayde and her MySpace croanies, are having a "lingerie" type party and sha-bamski! Kristin Cavallari's name is dropped. 

Audrina and StephiePratt are talking about how she should be the MOH, simply because Holly wasn't writing down gifts. But, I never saw her pick up a pen. And I'm pretty sure they were toasting with white zin. Gag.

-----

Brody and LC meet up at Beso, which I bet is a restaurant that doesn't serve food. 

"Cheers, big ears!" --LC, to Brody

That toast prompted a really awesome convo about the size of their ears. 

"Talk to me." --Brody

LC gives the dish on Heidi coming to her office and Brody serves only as a tool in the game of reality television, asking obvious questions.

"I feel like while everyone else is attending a wedding, I'll be attending a funeral." --LC

Brody says he is going to make farting sounds when Heidi walks down the aisle and then LC confirms that they are in a restaurant by saying, "you know we're in a restaurant, right?"

Brody thinks LC will regret not attending the wedding of the year, LC stares at him. What. Will. She. Do?

-----

Spencer and king of the bromance, Brody, meet up and Brody has on the same clothes as he was wearing with LC. Brody has a beer and Spencer condones him. Spencer tells him about therapy and the new Spencer. Brody straight-up laughs in his face and tells him about his relationship with his MySpace hottie, Jayde. 

"I'm not just cold-stone with no heart." --Spencer

"Yeah, you are, you just pretend that you are not." --Brody

Boom. Roasted.

-----

LC gets to work and talks to Kelly about, "what's next?" Kelly stares blankly at her. How in the world did Kelly Cutrone become this fashion-diva-guru-ista? She looks like a greasy middle school gym teacher. 

-----

We meet up, almost suddenly, at the rehearsal dinner. Spencer greets Darlene warmly and Heidi looks a bit like a hooker, not a Biblical wifey.

StephiePratt calls the dinner to order and starts bawling out of nowhere, while toasting. Pretty sure they were toasting the white zin again. Sick. Holly talks about how much Heidi used to pray for her, "love match" while digging in the woods with sticks and berries. I don't know what that means. 

Holly threw a potato and it hit Heidi's purse. Heidi freaked out, which led Holly to cry and get up from the table. StephiePratt basked in the glow of Holly's misery and Spencer went to find them. 

"You just caught her off-guard by throwing food at the rehearsal dinner." --Spencer

Darlene is taking up for her and telling Spencer, with her side ponytail in clear view, that Holly isn't rude and then she has a bit of a nervous breakdown and leaves, causing a bit of a scene at the rehearsal dinner, that I'm pretty sure Spencer's parents didn't attend. 

-----

The girls are getting their nails done and Holly decides to apologize and Heidi then admits that she was pissed that Holly took attention off of her. Holly then says, she is ok with not being the MOH.

"I would never un-maid-of-honor you." --Heidi

Heidi asks Holly if she gave that invitation to the "person" she asked her to give it to. It's obviously Kristin, duh.

-----

Spencer has groomsman, much to my surprise and Charlie Bra wants to bring Bartender as his date. Really? Is this life? Who would do that?

-----

On the eve of the wedding, we meet up at LC's house for her "last night." StephiePratt, the wannabe MOH, is there and not with her brother or future sister-in-law. 

Brody and StephiePratt have a great heart-to-heart. Brody is so sensitive these days. StephiePratt goes inside to be a great friend to LC and literally begs her to come to the wedding. 

"I don't think my attendance is appropriate." --LC

Boom. Roasted.

LC re-joins the party and when asked if she is going to attend the wedding she replies, "maybe next time." Which, in her defense, this is their third wedding, there could easily be a next time.

-----

Finally, it's time and we enter the church. Brody brings his nasty girlfriend and Brent Bolthouse, Heidi's "boss," shows up looking like he might be on his way to a Maroon 5 concert. 

Spencer asks to lead his boys in prayer.

"Please, Lord, God, Jesus give Spencer Pratt the strength today to not faint today in front of 500 people, staring at him, to mess up because I really don't want to mess up Heidi's dream wedding one little bit." --Spencer

Wow. Wow. I try really hard not to be critical of other's people's prayers, but really, really? You aren't even going to pray for the marriage? You're only going to pray not to "mess up" the wedding? Wow. Wow.  And, you talked about yourself in third person during the prayer? No. Words.

Bartender shows up and so does Justin Bobby. This show is so dumb.

"Is it too much?" --Heidi

"Isn't that what you were going for?" --StephiePratt

Ouch. Not exactly MOH. 

And then...then...

LC shows up, Coldplay in the background (which, I think was an accident from the MTV Movie Awards) and LC shows up, all dramatic and everyone gives them, "a minute."

"You're like, bedazzled." --LC, to Heidi

Everyone is talking about whether or not LC is going to show and here comes Kristin Cavallari strutting down the aisle, sweating like a whore in church. She sits down right next to Justin Bobby and we officially have foreshadowing for next season and The Hills without LC. I haven't missed Kristin. She makes me nervous. 

Spencer walks out and then LC takes her seat, while walking right in front of Spencer. Really? Classy move, LC. LC then looks like a junior in high school again as she spots Kristin, her formal rival. 

The doors open and Cowboy Bill walks Heidi down to Spencer. What a bad idea.

Kristin and LC make eyes at each other the whole wedding, which was just weird. Then, she spots Brody and makes him sweat. Kristin is making everyone sweat. I can't wait to see what Jade and her MySpace crew are going to do to her. 

Oh, then they exchanged vows and everyone stood up while they kissed each other. 

"Third time's a charm, right?" --Lo

Boom. Roasted.

The Hills cast walks out of the wedding like they are important and Kristin tells the story about introducing Heidi and Spencer. Then, Kristin asks to be hooked up with Justin Bobby and Audrina crapped her pants. Or at least that is what her face looked like. 

And, in the most dramatic moment of my life, LC snuck out of the back door of the church while Heidi threw the bouquet directly to Kristin, as LC cried in the limo alone. 

What a moment. 

What an ending. 

-----

It was all so fake and so obviously well planned, much like a television show. 

writer's block.

If you frequent this blog, you know I haven't written about much lately outside of the train wreck of a reality television show we all know as The Hills. Chalk it up to the summer blues, the mundane schedule of work or just the sheer fact that I'm stuck. I apologize for the lack of interesting posts, but not really, because I don't think I ever promised to be interesting. So, really, I just apologize for the lack of posts. 

In no order, here are things as of late that are bringing much joy to my life:

Yesterday my parents celebrated 31 years of marriage. This is no small feat and I applaud them every single day that decide to stick with it-- not that they have a conversation every day and debate on whether or not they should stay married. They save that for Christmas dinners and Sunday school.

Next weekend, most of these butts will be in the same town as me. I'm beyond thrilled to get them all down here so they can meet our newest clan member, A-Dubs, infant daughter of Lily (second butt from the right). We will greatly miss our little tiger lilly, Lee Lee,  who's husband is off making a name for himself coaching football at Auburn. 

This past weekend I ventured to New York City and while I was there I reached two major milestones: standing where Tina Fey stands on an extremely regular basis (30 Rockefeller Plaza) and standing where George Washington took the oath as the first President of the United States (not pictured). 

Other things to be happy about (in no order):

• Summer
• So You Think You Can Dance
• Breathing

the hills: not lc's wedding.

StephiePratt and Heidi hit things off with a meal of some sort. We will never know what meal because no food was shown, but Heidi did say, "it's such a cute restaurant." 

Heidi gave StephiePratt the play-by-play and a lot of things she said that Spencer said I didn't hear. So...

"I would love it if you would maybe invite Lauren for me to the wedding." --Heidi

"She just fired me!" --StephiePratt

"It's not like she can re-fire you." --Heidi

First off, Heidi, just send her an invitation or text her. Duh. Second, StephiePratt good call. Third, Heidi, double-good-call. She can't fire her again! 

-----

Audrina and Lo are discussing invitations, but Heidi just told StephiePratt about getting married. Way to get on those invites!

These people are always shopping. Lo and Brody are discussing the Brody sitch. So. Dramatic.

Actually, way less dramatic when idiots aren't around telling Audrina what to do. Lo just kept it casual. 

"If she's there, I'd say hi to everyone as a group and do your own thing." --Lo

-----

StephiePratt and LC are "eating" and discussing convertible tops. 

"Oh, do you wear your seatbelt like this (does normal seatbelt motion)?" --StephiePratt

"Yeah, how do you wear your seatbelt (with a look of disgust)?" --LC

StephiePratt calls LC out on firing her and then sha-bamski! drops the bomb on LC about the Pratt wedding. LC keeps it real and says not only no, but hell no (I could see it in her eyes).

-----

Spence and his bra, Charlie, are hitting golf balls and Spence declares his ultimate happiness. 

"I don't think I could have a wedding and have it feel special if that girl was there." --Spencer

I mean, that seems a little much to me. If it's really your wedding and you're really that happy, I don't think you'll notice or care. Get serious, Spence. 

Spencer gets serious and takes his glasses off while declaring, "I will not apologize. I have never apologized to anyone." Really, anyone? How did you manage that, Spence? Aren't you like, 26?

-----

We join up with Heidi, who's in the full-blown-I'm-getting-married-to-such-a-chach-bag-mode, looking at wedding dresses. Heidi says, "I'm going to try on my last one!" And duh, of course, it's "the one." Much like Spence.

Heidi makes a grand speech, "Blah, blah, I feel like a princess. I feel like this is perfect. I feel like Spencer will love it. I'm so excited to have the wedding I wanted. Blah, blah, blah. Lauren will be there probably."

Really, really?! You're trying on wedding dresses and mention Lauren?! Heidi, get the hell over it already. Maybe you should marry her. StephiePratt broke Heidi's heart and told her that she doesn't think Lauren will be making it to the wedding. Literally, Heidi was more sad at that declaration than at any of the times Spencer "cheated" on her. 

-----

The gUrls crew hits up a "lunch" and they are recalling all the "crazy" times they had together. It was so fun and crazy! And then, LC noticed a pattern in all of their relationships and why they didn't always love each other-- Spencer! Oh, Hills producers, you're so good at making people become friends even when others (Spencer) try to tear them apart. 

Oh, snap, LC is getting all kinds of WTF on everyone when they announce their plans to attend the wedding. 

"Maybe you'll send me BBMs." --LC, on how all her friends will be at the wedding without her

So. Freakin. Typical. She told them to text her while they were there. Classic.

-----

The whole crew is hitting a hot Hollywood party and StephiePratt is getting hammered when Lo tells her that, "Kelly Cutrone threw this party." Oh, snap!

Brody and his MySpace girlfriend, Jayde, cuddle up on the couch with everyone and Audrina feels weird. She never says that, but I can see it on her face. 

Then, BAM! Kelly Cutrone comes over and calls out StephiePratt on sucking ass at her job. Then, of course, we have to go back to the whole stupid Brody and Audrina drama. 

"Trust me, I have a side that wants to grab a bottle and smash it on her face." --Jayde, MySpace gUrl

I think that side is commonly reffered to as white trash.  Brody says Jayde has every right to be upset, but why doesn't he realize that she should be upset with him? Come on, people. Everyone is so freakin' vain on this show, I bet, even 40 years or something later, they all think the Carly Simon song, "You're So Vain", is actually about them. Pathetic.

-----

Spencer has not returned the DVDs yet, so now they own them! But, on a different note, Heidi confesses to her beloved that she wants Spencer to apologize. 

"Why are you trying to make me look like a little punk to LC?" --Spencer

Spence, no one has to try to do that. You accomplished that glowing task on your very own. 

"Spencer, can you just put your own ego aside and just be the bigger person?"

"No! Because, I'm not the bigger person."

Wow. Now, there's some honesty. Spence goes on and on about how his head is pulsing. And by the way, I'm loving how he constantly refers to LC as, "that girl." I mean, that is some serious disassociation. He doesn't even call her by her name. 

"Don't be rude! We went to therapy!" --Heidi

Yes, Heidi, good point. You went to therapy, Spencer is fixed forever. Spencer yells, "No!" and then has this little eat-shit-smirk on his face. 

-----

Audrina has a house? How does she pay for it?

Of course, Audrina is rehashing the Brody drama and with who else, but StephiePratt? You know what I've figured out? StephiePratt has no story line. That's why she is in every scene. She is just an instigator and a major role-player. Like, if this was basketball StephiePratt is the Sixth Man of the Year hands down. Kids would have her jersey and everything. 

"I guess we're not friends anymore." --Audrina

A bold statement by Audrina, one that I would think would get a little bit of sympathy, but no. StephiePratt pulls out her own drama. Like, if this was a 15-year-old's birthday party StephiePratt would be the jealous BFF who wants some attention for herself. 

"I thought she was going to pick me up by my ears!" --StephiePratt

Yes, that could happen. Then, she says she wants to be a wedding planner or a party planner.  And of course, if they are talking about weddings why wouldn't they bring up Lauren again?  Side note: When I get married, if my friends are constantly talking about my guest list and who may-or-may-not show up, they will no longer be on my guest list. 

StephiePratt urges Audrina to talk to LC about attending the wedding, but Audrina says it won't do any good.

"That sucks." --StephiePratt, on Lauren's RSVP to the wedding

-----

Heidi shows up to Lauren's office, because that is really professional and Kelly Cutrone will love it. Heidi gives her a wedding invitation and then cries.

"I don't get why you want me there?" --Lauren

"I think  you're the person that matters to me most if you're there." --Heidi

WHAT? WHAT?! So many thoughts, I can't even...I mean...

LC recounts her past experiences with Jason and actually, honestly, gives Heidi some words that had some meaning behind them. Could have been scripted, but either way-- she delivered them excellently. 

"I remember feeling so lucky to have you as a friend and having you be someone I almost aspired to be." --LC

Oh, snap! First off, you really aspired to be Heidi? And second, really? You aspired to be Heidi?

That whole scene was really emotional and for the first time in years, I would venture to say it was real. Real being a figment of my imagination when watching this show, but nonetheless, I smell an Emmy for these two. 

-----

We see Spencer scrolling through his i-Phone, with Pink in the background, he makes the toughest phone call of his life. The phone rings. LC answers.

"I'm the most sorry ever." --Spencer

LC has no words. Who would?

Oh, touching! Spencer says, "I'm sure somewhere in your heart you still have a place for her. You don't owe me anything. But, thank you for taking the time to hear me out." 

Wow, LC had quite the afternoon, but went immediately back to her computer screen to no doubt check out Perez Hilton or TMZ. 

-----

Next week: We say goodbye-- where is she going? She's just quitting the show, so, it's not like they can send her to Paris for the summer? Spencer apologizes. Holly cries. Brody calls Spencer out. And they still say, "I do."

kamp.

I'm feeling a little nostalgic this morning, as the gates of Kanakuk should be flying open for staffers today (I could be wrong, it's been a few years. So, if not today in the very near future).

While reminiscing with a dear friend from my ole K-2 days, Coops (SHOUT OUT), I was reminded of why I loved spending three summers at a camp with no air conditioning, nasty water, chiggers and food that was less than wonderful-- the people. I made great friends there. Most of them are still my friends, minus a few who I'll try not to talk about. Ie; bMayes. 

I think my favorite thing about my friends from there was usually the moment in which we realized we were actual friends and not just "camp friends." That usually happened over an alcoholic beverage* or during a completely inappropriate rap song**. I mean, you know you're friends with someone when you can role-play with the bridge diagram one minute and shake it fast to Nelly the next. Oh yes, that's true friendship. 

Anyway-- here's to not showering in a community shower where the biggest challenge is getting in and out of the shower without touching the shower curtain or the cinder block wall. Here's to Mexican food night where inevitably a bowel movement will happen within minutes of consuming a burrito. Here's to Saturday afternoons spent trying to figure out if you just ate chicken or turkey. Here's to 2-4s spent at Wal-Mart. Here's to dancing inappropriately where no one can see.  Here's to you Kanakuk, next time, the Thirster's on me, not grape Thirster. 

* No alcoholic beverages were ever consumed while actually working at Kanakuk or before anyone was 21 years old. Kanakuk does not support alcohol, legal or otherwise.

** Rap music and dancing is another story, although Kanakuk does not support it either. 

And because they are going to ask for it: K-Nast (SHOUT OUT), Tay-Tay Woo-Face (SHOUT OUT), Klique (SHOUT OUT), LD (now, P) (SHOUT OUT), Reece the Beast (SHOUT OUT), Becky (SHOUT OUT) and of course,  **Jordan Parker (SHOUT OUT, who inspired me to blog in the first place.