Monday, June 1, 2009

the hills: deuces.

So, last night was the season finale of The Hills. It was LC's last episode and Spencer and Heidi's wedding. I remember the first time I ever heard of LC. It was the first season of Laguna Beach and she was trampsin' around Orange County and my life changed forever because of her. For years, I was LC and now, suddenly, I was LC, not the one from Laguna Beach or The Hills. 

They are treating her leaving this show like it's the freakin' Cosby Show or something. Hello, it's reality television, this is her life. I just don't understand. Clearly, the producers don't understand either. Instead of sending LC off to a fictional college or something, they are just making her move out of her house and are forcing Lo to ask, "but, really what's next?" I'll tell you what's next-- Tuesday. Come on. 


Heidi wants the most extravagant wedding EVER and StephiePratt wants to be a bobblehead apparently the way she keeps agreeing with Heidi.

"I want it to be the best cake anyone has ever had, because that's the most important part of the whole thing." -- Heidi

Heidi just can't seem to really decide on what's most important: LC in attendance, cake or marrying Spencer. I can see the toughness on that. Really.

And hello, StephiePratt, if a girl has a sister and she isn't nine and she isn't shooting up heroin or sleeping with the groom, she's a definite MOH, why are your feelings hurt? Because you have a pen and paper and are writing down names of flowers? Get serious about your life.


Spencer and Darlene sit down for a meal and guess what, Darlene doesn't even eat! 

"I want to be the opposite of the person you met." --Spencer

What's the opposite of Satan, Spencer? Darlene gives her blessing and wants to believe Spencer is new and improved. I vote he's old and not improved. 


"You're glowing." --Audrina, to Heidi

Holly, the MOH, shows up a few minutes late, undoubtedly at the prodding of the producers, and the gUrls crew, minus Jayde and her MySpace croanies, are having a "lingerie" type party and sha-bamski! Kristin Cavallari's name is dropped. 

Audrina and StephiePratt are talking about how she should be the MOH, simply because Holly wasn't writing down gifts. But, I never saw her pick up a pen. And I'm pretty sure they were toasting with white zin. Gag.


Brody and LC meet up at Beso, which I bet is a restaurant that doesn't serve food. 

"Cheers, big ears!" --LC, to Brody

That toast prompted a really awesome convo about the size of their ears. 

"Talk to me." --Brody

LC gives the dish on Heidi coming to her office and Brody serves only as a tool in the game of reality television, asking obvious questions.

"I feel like while everyone else is attending a wedding, I'll be attending a funeral." --LC

Brody says he is going to make farting sounds when Heidi walks down the aisle and then LC confirms that they are in a restaurant by saying, "you know we're in a restaurant, right?"

Brody thinks LC will regret not attending the wedding of the year, LC stares at him. What. Will. She. Do?


Spencer and king of the bromance, Brody, meet up and Brody has on the same clothes as he was wearing with LC. Brody has a beer and Spencer condones him. Spencer tells him about therapy and the new Spencer. Brody straight-up laughs in his face and tells him about his relationship with his MySpace hottie, Jayde. 

"I'm not just cold-stone with no heart." --Spencer
"Yeah, you are, you just pretend that you are not." --Brody

Boom. Roasted.


LC gets to work and talks to Kelly about, "what's next?" Kelly stares blankly at her. How in the world did Kelly Cutrone become this fashion-diva-guru-ista? She looks like a greasy middle school gym teacher. 


We meet up, almost suddenly, at the rehearsal dinner. Spencer greets Darlene warmly and Heidi looks a bit like a hooker, not a Biblical wifey.

StephiePratt calls the dinner to order and starts bawling out of nowhere, while toasting. Pretty sure they were toasting the white zin again. Sick. Holly talks about how much Heidi used to pray for her, "love match" while digging in the woods with sticks and berries. I don't know what that means. 

Holly threw a potato and it hit Heidi's purse. Heidi freaked out, which led Holly to cry and get up from the table. StephiePratt basked in the glow of Holly's misery and Spencer went to find them. 

"You just caught her off-guard by throwing food at the rehearsal dinner." --Spencer

Darlene is taking up for her and telling Spencer, with her side ponytail in clear view, that Holly isn't rude and then she has a bit of a nervous breakdown and leaves, causing a bit of a scene at the rehearsal dinner, that I'm pretty sure Spencer's parents didn't attend. 


The girls are getting their nails done and Holly decides to apologize and Heidi then admits that she was pissed that Holly took attention off of her. Holly then says, she is ok with not being the MOH.

"I would never un-maid-of-honor you." --Heidi

Heidi asks Holly if she gave that invitation to the "person" she asked her to give it to. It's obviously Kristin, duh.


Spencer has groomsman, much to my surprise and Charlie Bra wants to bring Bartender as his date. Really? Is this life? Who would do that?


On the eve of the wedding, we meet up at LC's house for her "last night." StephiePratt, the wannabe MOH, is there and not with her brother or future sister-in-law. 

Brody and StephiePratt have a great heart-to-heart. Brody is so sensitive these days. StephiePratt goes inside to be a great friend to LC and literally begs her to come to the wedding. 

"I don't think my attendance is appropriate." --LC

Boom. Roasted.

LC re-joins the party and when asked if she is going to attend the wedding she replies, "maybe next time." Which, in her defense, this is their third wedding, there could easily be a next time.


Finally, it's time and we enter the church. Brody brings his nasty girlfriend and Brent Bolthouse, Heidi's "boss," shows up looking like he might be on his way to a Maroon 5 concert. 

Spencer asks to lead his boys in prayer.

"Please, Lord, God, Jesus give Spencer Pratt the strength today to not faint today in front of 500 people, staring at him, to mess up because I really don't want to mess up Heidi's dream wedding one little bit." --Spencer

Wow. Wow. I try really hard not to be critical of other's people's prayers, but really, really? You aren't even going to pray for the marriage? You're only going to pray not to "mess up" the wedding? Wow. Wow.  And, you talked about yourself in third person during the prayer? No. Words.

Bartender shows up and so does Justin Bobby. This show is so dumb.

"Is it too much?" --Heidi
"Isn't that what you were going for?" --StephiePratt

Ouch. Not exactly MOH. 

And then...then...

LC shows up, Coldplay in the background (which, I think was an accident from the MTV Movie Awards) and LC shows up, all dramatic and everyone gives them, "a minute."

"You're like, bedazzled." --LC, to Heidi

Everyone is talking about whether or not LC is going to show and here comes Kristin Cavallari strutting down the aisle, sweating like a whore in church. She sits down right next to Justin Bobby and we officially have foreshadowing for next season and The Hills without LC. I haven't missed Kristin. She makes me nervous. 

Spencer walks out and then LC takes her seat, while walking right in front of Spencer. Really? Classy move, LC. LC then looks like a junior in high school again as she spots Kristin, her formal rival. 

The doors open and Cowboy Bill walks Heidi down to Spencer. What a bad idea.

Kristin and LC make eyes at each other the whole wedding, which was just weird. Then, she spots Brody and makes him sweat. Kristin is making everyone sweat. I can't wait to see what Jade and her MySpace crew are going to do to her. 

Oh, then they exchanged vows and everyone stood up while they kissed each other. 

"Third time's a charm, right?" --Lo

Boom. Roasted.

The Hills cast walks out of the wedding like they are important and Kristin tells the story about introducing Heidi and Spencer. Then, Kristin asks to be hooked up with Justin Bobby and Audrina crapped her pants. Or at least that is what her face looked like. 

And, in the most dramatic moment of my life, LC snuck out of the back door of the church while Heidi threw the bouquet directly to Kristin, as LC cried in the limo alone. 

What a moment. 
What an ending. 


It was all so fake and so obviously well planned, much like a television show. 


vdkn said...

i randomly stumbled upon your blog and i must say, i love reading your hills re-caps more than watching the show itself (ignoring the fact i no longer watch the show). just wanted to give you some props.

Jordan said...

LC~ ha. My FAV quote "Is this life?" hahah

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