Thursday, May 28, 2009

writer's block.

If you frequent this blog, you know I haven't written about much lately outside of the train wreck of a reality television show we all know as The Hills. Chalk it up to the summer blues, the mundane schedule of work or just the sheer fact that I'm stuck. I apologize for the lack of interesting posts, but not really, because I don't think I ever promised to be interesting. So, really, I just apologize for the lack of posts. 

In no order, here are things as of late that are bringing much joy to my life:

Yesterday my parents celebrated 31 years of marriage. This is no small feat and I applaud them every single day that decide to stick with it-- not that they have a conversation every day and debate on whether or not they should stay married. They save that for Christmas dinners and Sunday school.

Next weekend, most of these butts will be in the same town as me. I'm beyond thrilled to get them all down here so they can meet our newest clan member, A-Dubs, infant daughter of Lily (second butt from the right). We will greatly miss our little tiger lilly, Lee Lee,  who's husband is off making a name for himself coaching football at Auburn. 

This past weekend I ventured to New York City and while I was there I reached two major milestones: standing where Tina Fey stands on an extremely regular basis (30 Rockefeller Plaza) and standing where George Washington took the oath as the first President of the United States (not pictured). 

Other things to be happy about (in no order):
  • Summer
  • So You Think You Can Dance
  • Breathing

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

the hills: not lc's wedding.

StephiePratt and Heidi hit things off with a meal of some sort. We will never know what meal because no food was shown, but Heidi did say, "it's such a cute restaurant." 

Heidi gave StephiePratt the play-by-play and a lot of things she said that Spencer said I didn't hear. So...

"I would love it if you would maybe invite Lauren for me to the wedding." --Heidi
"She just fired me!" --StephiePratt
"It's not like she can re-fire you." --Heidi

First off, Heidi, just send her an invitation or text her. Duh. Second, StephiePratt good call. Third, Heidi, double-good-call. She can't fire her again! 


Audrina and Lo are discussing invitations, but Heidi just told StephiePratt about getting married. Way to get on those invites!

These people are always shopping. Lo and Brody are discussing the Brody sitch. So. Dramatic.

Actually, way less dramatic when idiots aren't around telling Audrina what to do. Lo just kept it casual. 

"If she's there, I'd say hi to everyone as a group and do your own thing." --Lo


StephiePratt and LC are "eating" and discussing convertible tops. 

"Oh, do you wear your seatbelt like this (does normal seatbelt motion)?" --StephiePratt
"Yeah, how do you wear your seatbelt (with a look of disgust)?" --LC

StephiePratt calls LC out on firing her and then sha-bamski! drops the bomb on LC about the Pratt wedding. LC keeps it real and says not only no, but hell no (I could see it in her eyes).


Spence and his bra, Charlie, are hitting golf balls and Spence declares his ultimate happiness. 

"I don't think I could have a wedding and have it feel special if that girl was there." --Spencer

I mean, that seems a little much to me. If it's really your wedding and you're really that happy, I don't think you'll notice or care. Get serious, Spence. 

Spencer gets serious and takes his glasses off while declaring, "I will not apologize. I have never apologized to anyone." Really, anyone? How did you manage that, Spence? Aren't you like, 26?


We join up with Heidi, who's in the full-blown-I'm-getting-married-to-such-a-chach-bag-mode, looking at wedding dresses. Heidi says, "I'm going to try on my last one!" And duh, of course, it's "the one." Much like Spence.

Heidi makes a grand speech, "Blah, blah, I feel like a princess. I feel like this is perfect. I feel like Spencer will love it. I'm so excited to have the wedding I wanted. Blah, blah, blah. Lauren will be there probably."

Really, really?! You're trying on wedding dresses and mention Lauren?! Heidi, get the hell over it already. Maybe you should marry her. StephiePratt broke Heidi's heart and told her that she doesn't think Lauren will be making it to the wedding. Literally, Heidi was more sad at that declaration than at any of the times Spencer "cheated" on her. 


The gUrls crew hits up a "lunch" and they are recalling all the "crazy" times they had together. It was so fun and crazy! And then, LC noticed a pattern in all of their relationships and why they didn't always love each other-- Spencer! Oh, Hills producers, you're so good at making people become friends even when others (Spencer) try to tear them apart. 

Oh, snap, LC is getting all kinds of WTF on everyone when they announce their plans to attend the wedding. 

"Maybe you'll send me BBMs." --LC, on how all her friends will be at the wedding without her

So. Freakin. Typical. She told them to text her while they were there. Classic.


The whole crew is hitting a hot Hollywood party and StephiePratt is getting hammered when Lo tells her that, "Kelly Cutrone threw this party." Oh, snap!

Brody and his MySpace girlfriend, Jayde, cuddle up on the couch with everyone and Audrina feels weird. She never says that, but I can see it on her face. 

Then, BAM! Kelly Cutrone comes over and calls out StephiePratt on sucking ass at her job. Then, of course, we have to go back to the whole stupid Brody and Audrina drama. 

"Trust me, I have a side that wants to grab a bottle and smash it on her face." --Jayde, MySpace gUrl

I think that side is commonly reffered to as white trash.  Brody says Jayde has every right to be upset, but why doesn't he realize that she should be upset with him? Come on, people. Everyone is so freakin' vain on this show, I bet, even 40 years or something later, they all think the Carly Simon song, "You're So Vain", is actually about them. Pathetic.


Spencer has not returned the DVDs yet, so now they own them! But, on a different note, Heidi confesses to her beloved that she wants Spencer to apologize. 

"Why are you trying to make me look like a little punk to LC?" --Spencer

Spence, no one has to try to do that. You accomplished that glowing task on your very own. 

"Spencer, can you just put your own ego aside and just be the bigger person?"
"No! Because, I'm not the bigger person."

Wow. Now, there's some honesty. Spence goes on and on about how his head is pulsing. And by the way, I'm loving how he constantly refers to LC as, "that girl." I mean, that is some serious disassociation. He doesn't even call her by her name. 

"Don't be rude! We went to therapy!" --Heidi

Yes, Heidi, good point. You went to therapy, Spencer is fixed forever. Spencer yells, "No!" and then has this little eat-shit-smirk on his face. 


Audrina has a house? How does she pay for it?

Of course, Audrina is rehashing the Brody drama and with who else, but StephiePratt? You know what I've figured out? StephiePratt has no story line. That's why she is in every scene. She is just an instigator and a major role-player. Like, if this was basketball StephiePratt is the Sixth Man of the Year hands down. Kids would have her jersey and everything. 

"I guess we're not friends anymore." --Audrina

A bold statement by Audrina, one that I would think would get a little bit of sympathy, but no. StephiePratt pulls out her own drama. Like, if this was a 15-year-old's birthday party StephiePratt would be the jealous BFF who wants some attention for herself. 

"I thought she was going to pick me up by my ears!" --StephiePratt

Yes, that could happen. Then, she says she wants to be a wedding planner or a party planner.  And of course, if they are talking about weddings why wouldn't they bring up Lauren again?  Side note: When I get married, if my friends are constantly talking about my guest list and who may-or-may-not show up, they will no longer be on my guest list. 

StephiePratt urges Audrina to talk to LC about attending the wedding, but Audrina says it won't do any good.

"That sucks." --StephiePratt, on Lauren's RSVP to the wedding


Heidi shows up to Lauren's office, because that is really professional and Kelly Cutrone will love it. Heidi gives her a wedding invitation and then cries.

"I don't get why you want me there?" --Lauren
"I think  you're the person that matters to me most if you're there." --Heidi

WHAT? WHAT?! So many thoughts, I can't even...I mean...

LC recounts her past experiences with Jason and actually, honestly, gives Heidi some words that had some meaning behind them. Could have been scripted, but either way-- she delivered them excellently. 

"I remember feeling so lucky to have you as a friend and having you be someone I almost aspired to be." --LC

Oh, snap! First off, you really aspired to be Heidi? And second, really? You aspired to be Heidi?

That whole scene was really emotional and for the first time in years, I would venture to say it was real. Real being a figment of my imagination when watching this show, but nonetheless, I smell an Emmy for these two. 


We see Spencer scrolling through his i-Phone, with Pink in the background, he makes the toughest phone call of his life. The phone rings. LC answers.

"I'm the most sorry ever." --Spencer

LC has no words. Who would?

Oh, touching! Spencer says, "I'm sure somewhere in your heart you still have a place for her. You don't owe me anything. But, thank you for taking the time to hear me out." 

Wow, LC had quite the afternoon, but went immediately back to her computer screen to no doubt check out Perez Hilton or TMZ. 


Next week: We say goodbye-- where is she going? She's just quitting the show, so, it's not like they can send her to Paris for the summer? Spencer apologizes. Holly cries. Brody calls Spencer out. And they still say, "I do."

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I'm feeling a little nostalgic this morning, as the gates of Kanakuk should be flying open for staffers today (I could be wrong, it's been a few years. So, if not today in the very near future).

While reminiscing with a dear friend from my ole K-2 days, Coops (SHOUT OUT), I was reminded of why I loved spending three summers at a camp with no air conditioning, nasty water, chiggers and food that was less than wonderful-- the people. I made great friends there. Most of them are still my friends, minus a few who I'll try not to talk about. Ie; bMayes

I think my favorite thing about my friends from there was usually the moment in which we realized we were actual friends and not just "camp friends." That usually happened over an alcoholic beverage* or during a completely inappropriate rap song**. I mean, you know you're friends with someone when you can role-play with the bridge diagram one minute and shake it fast to Nelly the next. Oh yes, that's true friendship. 

Anyway-- here's to not showering in a community shower where the biggest challenge is getting in and out of the shower without touching the shower curtain or the cinder block wall. Here's to Mexican food night where inevitably a bowel movement will happen within minutes of consuming a burrito. Here's to Saturday afternoons spent trying to figure out if you just ate chicken or turkey. Here's to 2-4s spent at Wal-Mart. Here's to dancing inappropriately where no one can see.  Here's to you Kanakuk, next time, the Thirster's on me, not grape Thirster

* No alcoholic beverages were ever consumed while actually working at Kanakuk or before anyone was 21 years old. Kanakuk does not support alcohol, legal or otherwise.

** Rap music and dancing is another story, although Kanakuk does not support it either. 

And because they are going to ask for it: K-Nast (SHOUT OUT), Tay-Tay Woo-Face (SHOUT OUT), Klique (SHOUT OUT), LD (now, P) (SHOUT OUT), Reece the Beast (SHOUT OUT), Becky (SHOUT OUT) and of course,  **Jordan Parker (SHOUT OUT, who inspired me to blog in the first place. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

the hills: you're fired.

We start out with America's sweethearts-- Spencer and Heidi. Heidi told Spencer her dad was coming into town and then the look on Spencer's face afterwards was incredible. Nothing short. 

Spencer asked for some pointers and Heidi said, "be nice." Oh, good one, Heidi. That's the way to  every Cowboy with a gun's heart. 


Audrina gets a scene of her working. Again. She's shown twittling her hair and then a man in a stuffed animal costume walked by. They weren't working all that hard because Audrina and her work buddy never even set down their purses.  And can you just bring your friends by to hang out? The girls talked the band into staying over for the weekend. Not slutty at all. 


We jump over to the beach where Heidi and Spencer are having a "meal." Spencer, again, is asking questions about Heidi's dad, the Cowboy. But, it was the same question he had asked earlier, just arranged different. ** Dear Hills producers, I'm so over your scripted show. Not thankful, lc (the original) ** 

Cowboy Bill walks in. He is straight up the original Marlboro man. HAS. TO. BE. 

"I was telling Spencer that he is the first boyfriend you've ever met." --Heidi to the Cowboy, met with the blankest of blank stares. 

"The elopement." --Cowboy, to Heidi
"Yeah, it was Mexico. Stay away from tequila." --Spencer

Attaboy, Spence! Attaboy! That is a sure fire way to get a girl's hand in marriage-- talk about how drunk you were when you tried to marry her in Mexico! That comment was met with Heidi's dad announcement that he did bring his shotgun. What the hell airline did he fly in on? 

Spencer was name-dropping Holly, Heidi's sister a lot. I thought he hated her and that she hated him and now they are sharing heart-to-heart convos about Heidi's mom? False.

"Maybe that's the code of the west." --Cowboy
"I'm gonna move to the west then." --Spencer

Someone get this guy a map! If he isn't in the west-- where is he? And Cowboy, it's 2009 (ok, this scene could've been 2008), people get arrested for living by, "the code of the west." And for carrying guns on airplanes. Or even carrying a gun by an airplane. 

The next way to a father's heart? Bash his ex-wife in front of his new one. Score one for Spence!


Brody and Lauren meet up for a meal and Brody is shown putting something in his mouth! Pretty sure it was food. Lauren tells Brody that she has to fire StephiePratt and Brody says, "Really?" Like, that's all he said. Then, he says, "it's gonna ruin your friendship. Guaranteed." That Brody, he's so encouraging. He ended the convo with, "sometimes you gotta suck it up."

I think Brody should write a book. 

No, I don't.


We meet up with Audrina and StephiePratt at a bar. The band is there. I wonder if this is work, too? If it is, maybe we've figured out Audrina's job-- I believe the technical term is prostitute. 

StephiePratt is an idiot. She invited the band to stay at her place. 

We learn that the band, or just this one guy, has something "pretty solid at home." StephiePratt pries a little deeper and asks, "girlfriend?" Boy band boy says, "something like that," then goes on to reveal that they live together. Hold up, Nick Carter wannabe, something pretty solid equals girlfriend. Living together equals something pretty solid, which equals girlfriend. Newsflash: JC Chasez, you shouldn't be trying to hit it with StephiePratt.

Finaly, the smartest thing StephiePratt has ever done: left a bad situation! Two points, StephiePratt. No, 12 points. You deserve them.


Spencer and Cowboy Bill go for a stroll on the Carhartt's and a fully-buttoned-up jean jacket. Perfect beach gear, Cowboy.  

"California's got a lot of cowboy history, are your intentions with Heidi?" --Cowboy

What a perfect lead-in! I bet in his head he thought, "I'll distract him with some history and then shock him with a tough question!"

Spencer provides a fairly solid answer. About as solid as Boy Band Boy's answer on whether or not he has a girlfriend. He doesn't really say anything about loving and respecting her forever or taking care of her, but he did say, "he wants to live happily-ever-after with Heidi."

Cowboy then revealed the background history on Colt 45s. This man is so full of knowledge. But, he was pretty sweet and considerate when he told Spence that Heidi's mom would come around if he just worked on their relationship. Then, Spence said, "what would you say if I wanted to marry her?" I'm not sure if that's asking for a girl's hand in marriage or what. Clearly, he was just feeling the situation out. Playing the field, if you will. And in a round-about way Cowboy Bill then called Spence a loser.


Now on to People's Revolution-- Boss Lady Lauren lets StephiePratt sit at her desk for all of 12 seconds before she just lays it down. 

"She doesn't think she can have you working here anymore." --LC to StephiePratt, and the tears flow

"This is like, being fired right now." --StephiePratt
"Even though it's interning?" --LC

"It's awkward, should I leave right now?" --StephiePratt

Then, they hugged it out. 


During the commercial break, we are presented an acoustic version of "Unwritten," and get to see some really "sad" shots of LC and are told, officially, that LC is leaving The Hills. 

"She must move on." --Hills commercial


StephiePratt and Heidi meet up for a meal and they at least had menus, which led us to believe they would eat food, but they didn't.

StephiePratt tells Heidi that she got fired, they talk about it for all of two seconds and then move on to the really important news of StephiePratt finding out that A.J. McLean has a live-in girlfriend back home and of course, Heidi then makes the convo about her.  


"Have you talked to Stephanie since you fired her?" --Lo

I laughed so hard that I cried over that one.  

"I don't know that I've  ever made someone cry before." --LC

Dear LC, maybe you should watch some of your older episodes of The Hills or something...


Spencer and Heidi hit up the ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier and Spencer announces that he's, "trying to be romantic."

Spencer arranges to have the ferris wheel stop mid-ride. 

"What are your thoughts on  us trying the whole marriage thing again?" --Spencer

Maybe not the best way to ask someone to marry you, but I guess it's also best to feel out the situation beforehand. By the way, Spence,  your therapist is going to eat this up!

"I feel like marriage made everything worse." --Heidi

Really, marriage is what made everything worse? Are you sure it's not just the two of you together that makes everything worse? 

In the middle of all of this, Heidi says Spencer needs to talk to her mom and Lauren-- WTF? What? Talk to Lauren? 

"Heidi, will you marry me, for real, your dream wedding?" --Spencer 

"With this ring?! Yes!" --Heidi

Well, at least she's honest.

"Til death do us part. Til death do us part, do you hear me? Not til divorce do us part." --Heidi

Sounds like the start of some really sweet wedding vows to me! 

Well, that was honestly the worst proposal ever. And not even better than his other two proposals. I have no words.


Next week: Somehow Spencer gets LC's phone number and calls her! 

Monday, May 18, 2009

hey, kris allen.

Hey, Kris Allen.

Let's be honest: this is not an apology. I've done nothing that warrants an apology-- it's more of a, "let's clear the air" on this subject matter. 

Yes, I prefer you over Adam Lambert (although, I'm so envious of Adam's eyeliner application). Yes, you're talented. Yes, you're cute. Yes, you're incredibly humble and love Jesus. Yes, your family was super precious this last week when you went home. So, you're wondering where my undying support is, because above all-- you hail from Arkansas, the mighty Arkie. 

Well, here's the thing, Kris, you claim Conway as your hometown.  Conway. Conway! The one place in Arkansas that makes my skin crawl and my heart hurt. Conway. Every single time Ryan Seacrest says, "Conway," I shutter. And that's the simple truth of it-- I can't declare my all-out support for you because you claim Conway as your hometown.

Maybe that seems a little much, but I'm sorry, that's just how I was raised. Maybe it's because one day Conway and Russellville were neck-and-neck for normal, quaint little town of 30,000ish people and then out of nowhere Conway took off, got a Chili's and a Chick-fil-A and never looked back, leaving Russellville all alone with their Cracker Barrel and two Burger Kings to claim. More than likely, it's the pain that was inflicted on my poor youthful soul by various Conway athletic teams that keeps me from thinking Conway is an acceptable town to even drive through. 

I don't know, but I can't apologize for sticking to my guns on this one, Kris. I hope you understand. I hope you win, too. But, I just can't get on that train. I just can't and I won't. 

Not your biggest fan,
a cyclone forever

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Years and years ago, I was born. Shocking, right? It takes a few different things to be born, but most notably it takes a mother. What is a mother? A mother is the female parent, a woman exercising control, influence, or authority, something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else.

(A mother is also: a stringy, mucilaginous substance consisting of various bacteria, esp. Mycoderma aceti, that forms on the surface of a fermenting liquid and causes fermentation when added to other liquids, as in changing wine or cider to vinegar.)

As I was lucky enough to spend this past Mother's Day weekend with my biological, and only, mother, LJ, I got to be thankful for her in the present and not from a distance as I have become accustomed to lately.

It's hard to pinpoint all of the exact reasons I am thankful for my mother, but since this is a blog and she reads it regularly, I'm going to try (with some photo examples as well).

She loves her husband, as evidenced by the fact that in a few short weeks these two little dollops will celebrate 31 years of a somewhat happy, healthy marriage.  31 years is an accomplishment. Especially if you've met the Reg. Oh, I'm kidding. But, I don't think there's anything greater a mother (or father) can teach their children than loving their spouse.  I'm thankful that my parents have modeled a Godly marriage for me and my brosef. 

I am thankful that my mother taught me the value of puff-paint at a young age. And continued to teach it to me until I was reasonably sane enough to realize what was going on. 

I am thankful that mother can sew and that she thought it was a good idea to sew my Easter dress and then sew a matching dress for my teddy bear, Teddy. I'm not thankful that she took pictures. 

I'm thankful that my mother is passionate about the following: Jesus Christ, serving the church she has been a member of since like 1986 or something, her job (to teach is 2 touch lives 4 ever), history (without her passion for history, who would I be? I often wonder), and her dog (that has undoubtedly surpassed my brosef, sister-in-law and me in any type of race for being her favorite).

I'm so very thankful for her supremely excellent taste in music (we are blocking out the many years of Michael Card tapes), her creativity (the lady is an AR-TEEST), the fact that she showed me at a young age that you could be smart without being good at math, that she let me be a tomboy, but not that she supported my bowl cut and that she is very much her own person-- she's unique, fun, sometimes pretty funny and although she's never baked a cookie that I've liked, she's my mother, my mom, my biological, my LJ and no matter what decisions I make or where I move or who I vote for she's never going to quit being any of those things to me. 

Mom, thanks for encouraging me to be creative, to pursue passions, to indulge in hours of reality television, to learn to cook from someone else, for not mocking my horrible singing abilities even though you sing like a bird and for making me laugh. Maybe someday I'll take you off of limited profile view on Facebook. Maybe.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

the hills: keep your enemies closer.

I was seriously looking forward to the next 30 minutes when LC's voiceover said, "and everyone went crazy when Audrina spent the night with Brody." First off, did everyone go crazy or just Jayde and her MySpace croanies? And second, we've established that those two were not having a friendly sleepover and taking turns braiding each other's hair. Let's call it what it was: doing the dirrty. 

Also, "now, Audrina wanted to move on and focus on work." I'd say that's a good idea for someone who is a part-time secretary at a record company. 


Boy George's twin, Audrina, is back. She tells her ladies that she's been ignoring JB. 

"As long as I don't see his face, I'll be fine." --Audrina, on if she's ok with ignoring JB


Lauren, who seems to have raided Bob Marley's closet, and StephiePratt sit down for a nice meal (we'll say meal, but we'll actually mean that they just sat down) and discussed work. 

"A good ballet flat can be professional." --LC, on being professional

I agree that a good ballet flat can be professional, but shoes don't make the (wo)man. 

StephiePratt wants to stop thinking about work and go on a man hunt, LC is not happy with this statement and StephiePratt ignores her. Something in my gut tells me this is foreshadowing!


Heidi and her "co-worker" are finishing up a meal, again this only means they are sitting, and are discussing an upcoming work event.  The co-worker seems to be slightly worried about this event. Heidi, on the otherhand, is less than worried. She is straight up stressed.

"I gotta get my nails done, they're chipping. I gotta get a new outfit. Man. So nice to be out of the office though." --Heidi, on being stressed at work

Are you kidding me? That's Heidi being stressed about work? Granted, I don't have a super stressful job, but even on my least stressful day those topics never come into play when discussing work. Never. 

Heidi reveals that Bartender had texted her and wants to meet up. Co-worker asks like she doesn't really know who she is, but clearly she does.

"You know what I mean? Step off it already." --Co-worker
"She's the devil." --Heidi

Co-worker tells Heidi to go down there and talk to her, to "end it." She follows that up by saying, "where I come from, we don't deal with that." Deal with what? Bartenders or shit-tastic boyfriends?

I desperately wanted to be able to chime in and say, "well, where I come from people like Spencer don't actually exist," but even with DVR I'm unable to get into the conversation. Maybe I'll write a strongly-worded letter. 


We meet up with Ziggy Marley and StephiePratt at work. LC is explaining to her what a photo shoot is, which she seems to understand, but I have my doubts if she really gets it. I mean, this is the girl who can't print labels. Do we really think she knows what a photo shoot is?

LC is asking StephiePratt to do some leg work on this photo shoot, when suddenly 1997 calls StephiePratt's cell phone. Literally, 1997 called-- Blackstreet's "No Diggity" to be exact. So, StephiePratt starts chatting it up with middle school in the middle of LC telling what to do. LC decides to just get up and leave even though StephiePratt never even acknowledged a word LC said to her. This won't end well. I just know it!


We meet up with Audrina at work, but it looks like she's just a groupie. It might actually be work because somebody walked in and handed her a big box. I don't think groupies carry boxes, but they do stand at the front of the stage and smile. I'm torn on this one.

Justin Bobby calls and Audrina answers. JB cons Audrina into seeing him the next day. 


Lo is at a photo shoot getting some factoids when LC walks in carrying a hell of a lot of stuff. 

"Welcome to my job, can I help you?" --Lo

Lo asks LC where the "mahrahaahamrah" stuff is and doom shoots over LC's face. StephiePratt didn't do what she was told. StephiePratt is taking her lunch break with Robert and is an idiot.  LC hangs up mid-conversation and says she'll figure it out on her own. Good idea.


Heidi quit her day job and is working the streets of LA, oh, just kidding-- it's just an outfit, not a lifestyle. 

"I don't understand why you are putting this all on me? It's like, I would never deal with a guy I had to go run after." --Bartender
"I would appreciate if you would respect me." --Heidi
"I respect you, but I'm not your friend." --Bartender
"No, but you should stop texting my boyfriend."
"Well, you should trust him."
"No, but you should also... there's like a million guys. Do you text this customer?  And this customer? Maybe you're into guys who have girlfriends, I don't know. I don't know you."
"That's right, you don't know. So, don't judge me."
"Don't judge me."
"I don't judge you."
"You do judge me, you've been calling me crazy."
"Because you are crazy!"
"Well, I think you're a homewrecker, I think that you're rude. I think you're a slut."
"You're crazy, I feel bad for you. Your boyfriend is _____. And good luck."
"Ok, well stay away from my boyfriend."

I'm not even sure I have the words to adequately express how I'm feeling after watching/listening to that. I mean, what just happened? Did that just happen? I have a few things to say: can you wreck a home that isn't actually a home, it's just two people shacking up, living in sin? As always, if you say you aren't judging someone, you clearly are.  I don't know if Bartender is correct when she keeps telling Heidi she is crazy. Crazy isn't the word. I'm not sure what is, but it's not crazy. Maybe, moronic? I love how Bartender always tells Heidi, "good luck." 


Audrina and JB meet up. JB is twitching a little and his eyes are not open. She wastes no time in telling JB to move on.

"Don't get into it with me right now." --JB
"I'm telling you this, that's it. I came to say goodbye face-to-face. Don't call me, don't text me anymore. It's over." --Audrina

Hurricane Audrina blew out quicker than she blew in. But, JB wasn't happy with her soliloquy and followed her out of the restaurant like a creepy stalker.  He backs her up against a wall.

"Oh yeah, you want me to snap at you?" --Audrina, while snapping
"You want me to get pissed? What about you spending the night in Brody's room?" --JB

Again and again, nobody was sleeping in that room. If all that was going on was sleeping, why is everyone in such a tizzy? Good try, MTV, but I know two people who are not following Bristol Palin's abstinence train. 

This conversation is worse than Heidi and Bartender's. Then, they walk off and graciously, the producers cut to JB's incredible boot-shoe-pants combo. 


Audrina and Pocahontas, I mean, StephiePratt meet up for some water and Audrina gives her the low-down on her fight with JB.

StephiePratt just sat across from her and said, "good. Good."

Then, they started talking about work and it was no bueno for StephiePratt. She finally confessed, publicly that she's an idiot.


Finally, we see Spencer, in mid-tweet. And Heidi tells him that she, "took care of Bartender."

"Apparently, you hadn't taken care of it." --Heidi
"Taken care of it? What, I'm going to kill the girl?" --Spencer

"You think I want to go down to Satan's dungeon?!" --Heidi

During this whole conversation Spencer looks incredibly annoyed. Who can blame him? Maybe Heidi is crazy. I mean, I don't even understand why this is still going on. And if Heidi is so concerned about the Bartender being the devil, maybe she should draw her the bridge diagram. 

"I dare you to find another Stacy." --Heidi, as Spencer rolls his eyes as far back in his head as they'll go


Back to People's Revolution where LC is visibly pissed off at StephiePratt. Kelly walks in and asks LC to come into her office. StephiePratt says, "do you want me to come?" and Kelly boldy states, "No, I don't," right back at her. It was television magic.

"I haven't had a lunch break in 5 years.  That's bullshit." --Kelly

Kelly tells LC to fire StephiePratt by the end of the week. 

"Maybe she hasn't heard yet." --StephiePratt

Maybe she hasn't heard that you're an idiot? Doubtful, StephiePratt, I think everyone knows.


Next on The Hills: Colt 45s, engagements, firings and Brody offers advice. Sounds intriguing. 

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

the hills: face the consequences.

We start this epi off with LC and Audrina shopping for clothes and re-living the error of Audrina's ways in Hawaii. Her ways being Brody. The whole convo was the most interesting these two have had in years, but Audrina is an idiot. She clearly feels no remorse for riding the Bromance train, simply because she is single and can date. It is what it is. 


Cut to Heidi and "co-worker" plotting to catch Spence cheating.  We meet back up with Heidi, StephiePratt and Sister. Heidi is playing Sherlock Holmes and breaking down the texts from Bartender to Spence. StephiePratt is a bit of a detective as well, nothing gets past her.

"When, I got that text message this morning, my heart just..."-- Heidi
"You didn't get it! Spencer got it!"-- StephiePratt
"No! But, I read it!" -- Heidi

Apparently, Heidi thought one session of therapy would cure Spence's ways. Wrong. Have you seen or heard anything better than StephiePratt saying, "deliberately, malicious, deliberate, skankily," and then this rap music comes on as the skanks, led by their Pussycat Doll look-a-like leader, roll in. It was straight out of a scene from a well choreographed dance movie. They exchange waves and high school smirks. And roast of all roast, they roll up on their group and join them! Confrontation begins!

"If he sits down with me, I don't want to have to see you out and get bitched at every single time." -- Bartender

Heidi starts an onslaught of insults, but Bartender finishes it, "I see how it feels to have a conniving boyfriend! I'm just saying good luck with this, there's going to be another girl when I'm gone. Good luck with your boyfriend. Nice to meet you guys." (At least she was cordial and told Sister and StephiePratt it was nice to meet them. Just proves that even dirty skanks can have manners.) 

Cue blank stare from Heidi and some ultra comforting words from StephiePratt, "Omigah, that was gnarly."


BBQ Time! Sleazy T is in the house! Jayde, who could give Tila Tequila a run for her slutty money, is looking quite nervous about Audrina showing her face at the Bromance BBQ. 

"Relax." -- Brody, to Jayde about confronting his hook-up buddy.

Jayde and her MySpace croanies are huddled together discussing fighting Audrina when we head back to the Bromance BBQ.  Cue Audrina's entrance and Brody consoles (or pets) Jayde and then Frankie buts in to defend his boy, Brody. 

Brody, being the honest to goodness idiot that he is, accepts a hug and air-blown kiss from Audrina and shit starts to go down. MySpace gUrl crew member removes Audrina from the couch and demands she joins their huddle (at this point, I was so hoping that song that starts out with, "There's about to be a what?! A girl fight!" was going to come on. But, it didn't). 

The convo between Jayde and Audrina was really lacking. At one point, the camera cut to LC making a shocking face as she eavesdropped. I think it's funny that most of Jayde's words are bleeped out. Brody, proving he has approximately four brain cells in his head, hugs Audrina goodbye and then confronts Jayde's obvious drinking problem, as she straight up chugs from the Jagermeister bottle. 

Side note: I've been to a lot of parties/ places that most people wouldn't necessarily be proud of or admit to everyone on the interetS (I was in college for four years), but I have never, ever seen anyone drink from a Jagger bottle like that. Ever. Impressive? Sad? Down-right frightening? Check. 


Do you really check text messages of someone that you "trust"? I say, no. Heidi disagrees.

"You two are on completely different pages today." --Shrink
"Different books, actually." --Spence

Heidi is nauseous. So am I. 


When did StephiePratt become such a main player on this show? She's up in everyone's biz. She is such an instigator. 

Audrina and StephiePratt voice their concerns about Jayde's drinking problem. Do I smell a Hills intervention coming up? We have a therapist on retainer, it could happen! 

"She was drinking a lot." --Audrina
"She probably, like, sleeps like, in her make-up." --StephiePratt

StephiePratt is a robot. We've got people who's boyfriends are cheating, people with drinking problems and she says the most random ass things with a blank stare on her face and a completely monotone voice. 


Whoa, these people aren't joking about a drinking problem. We cut to a really hoppin' club where the Crew is hanging out and what's the first shot? Jayde and her MySpace gUrls Crew, wearing what looks to be lingerie, downing a bottle of Jager. Again.

MySpace gUrls Crew member tries to make a move on Audrina and Frankie steps in to calm everyone down. It doesn't last long though. Eventually, Audrina stands up to yell something about insecurity at Jayde and then she leaves to give StephiePratt the play-by-play.

Jayde demands that King of the Bromance, Brody, tell Audrina to get her, "******* *** out of here."  And being the wonderful man that he is, he tells Audrina, "I'm sorry." Then, Jayde, does some cheerleading moves and mugs down on Brody. 


I had no idea Boy George was appearing this season! Oh, oops, it's Audrina meeting Lo and LC.  Audrina breaks down the dramatic events from the night before and LC tells her to back out. Cue: shocked faces from Audrina and Lo. 


Spence tries out therapy alone and we really get a glimpse into his, could be empty, soul. 

"We've become one person versus two individuals." --Spence
"That's very insightful." --Therapist

Guaranteed, hands down, without a doubt-- that is the first time anyone has ever said that to our boy, Spence. It almost looked like he was going to cry at one point, but I don't think he did. Bummer. I would love to see some tears from that kid.


LC and Bromance Brody grab some lunch and trade stories. Brody defends his decision to let Audrina "sleep" in his bed. LC pleads for Brody to talk to Audrina about this "mess" and Brody says he can't.

"Sometimes we sacrifice friendship for the one we love. It wouldn't be the first time." --LC

Ooooooh, BURN. BOOM ROASTED. Cuts deep, don't it, Bro?


Next week on The Hills: Audrina tells Justin Bobby, "don't text me," LC tells StephiePratt to pack her shit up and leave People's Revolution, and once again, Heidi confronts the Bartender. 

Monday, May 4, 2009

Many, many posts ago I wrote a little diddy about everyone's favorite Cooper-- Laura.  But, it wasn't her birthday and she hadn't just been accepted to grad school and I hadn't even begun to think about how obsessed with her children I am probably going to be. 

Today is her birthday, she has been recently accepted to grad school and not too terribly long ago, I came to realize that I would probably adore (and loathe, a little) Coop's children more than most of my friends and here is why...

Coops kids are going to scourer the world to get their questions answered, they are going to be inquisitive and overly thoughtful. I'm sure on my 50th birthday they will ask me 100 different questions on how I'm feeling about turning 50 and being alone, all while  adorning me with love and books about subjects only I am interested in. 

I'm also quite positive that Coop's kids are going to be beyond entertaining and full of life. These kids are going to have hips that move like Shakira and bodies that roll like Beyonce. For that alone I will love them above all others. 

There is no way Coop's kids won't be somewhat intelligent, which is why I'm going to enjoy conversing with them much more than I will with my own children, I'm sure. It's going to be quite lovely to share conversation over a latte with Coop's little bookworms. I'm going to be quite interested on their view of the Swine Flu Outbreak of 2009. 

Most of all, I'm going to love Coop's kids because they are her kids and I won't have to go home with them at the end of the day. And even more, I will love them because I'm sure she's going to instill in them the same values and morals that Karen and Steve passed down to her. The values and morals that make her roll her body like Beyonce, but with room for Jesus in between each drop to the floor. 

If you haven't figured it out yet: I'm going to love Coop's kids for all the same reasons I love her which are listed above and I don't tell her enough because of all the reasons listed above (ie; I don't love question and answer sessions, but I adore her).  

Saturday, May 2, 2009

dear danity kane.

Dear Danity Kane, 

What the hell happened? You were on the road to achieving status almost as great as Mandy Moore or possibly even Ashlee Simpson, pre-Pete Wentz. Yeah, you were going to be that big. You could have made cameos on 7th Heaven or land leading roles in poorly made Nicholas Sparks movies. So, I ask-- what happened?

I mean, I liked you more than I like the Judds and I like the Judds about as much as I like Jessica Simpson, pre-chicken of the sea. So, why'd you have to break my heart? Why'd you have to let me down? With hits like, "Damaged" and "Showstoppin'" you were headed straight to Pussycat Dolls type of fame. Yeah, that big. You could've opened up for a struggling Mariah Carey (not that she's struggling, but neither was B. Spears five years ago). 

Danity Kane, I'm just sad. Real sad. That's all. I'll remember you forever. Maybe, just maybe, I can share your "music" with my kids some day and maybe, just maybe, I can put them on a reality tv show and force them to try-out for a "band" that is clearly headed nowhere fast. Now, that's dreaming big. 

Love you forever, 
DK fo' life


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