against my better judgement.

The past couple of years at Christmas I've taken a stab at doing the Christmas card thing. You know, a cutesy picture of me, by a tree, in a turtleneck wishing you and yours a merry one. Not really. I've just tried to get on the bandwagon of Christmas mailings even though I'm single, have no children, no dogs to take a photo with (which, I would never do) and no claim to fame that would make anyone excited to receive a Christmas card from me.

I just don't think all the single ladies should be limited to wishing people a Merry friggin' Christmas via the typical mass text. No, I wanted to do what everyone else is doing and send a family Christmas letter.

Against my better judgement I'm posting the letter I sent out.

Most of it, anyway. It's a long one.

Merry (late) friggin' Christmas.

Dear Friends,

Here we are again, that familiar time of year where all is merry and bright. That time of year where the people on the street have a bell to ring rather than just a sign. Yes, it’s Christmas time.

The year of 2009 (the year of the ox, according to the Chinese calendar) was a big one for me. It was a year of many firsts, lots of routine activities, several “never again” and a few extremely interesting experiences.

2009 presented me with my first opportunity to visit New York City, where I attended my first Yankees game. I also traveled to Philadelphia (which was a spot of many firsts for this great nation of mine) for the first time where I marveled at the historic sites and took an individual photo more times than I’d like to admit. I also ate a dipped chocolate chip cookie for the first time. This produced a sugar high like nothing I’ve ever eaten and certainly proved to be an interesting experience for those with me. I went to the hospital on March 11 to serve as a fill-in sister for a dear friend and was one of the first people to welcome a precious baby into the world. This baby is in no way related to me (minus that she’s my sister in Christ), but I have found that I love her with an unconditional love that I have only experienced with pizza, vodka drinks and the internetS. Other notable firsts for 2009 included, but are not limited to: first Celine Dion concert, first Beyonce concert, first time to wear a real women’s watch rather than an over-sized men’s watch with a dirty band, first time to live alone, first time to want to hug George W. Bush after seeing protestors in Dallas when he moved back, first time to consume alcohol on an airplane, first time to eat onions and lettuce on hamburgers and sandwiches and of course, my first time to bring a boy home, fall in love and have my heart broken (I mean, you can’t win them all. And I know that for a fact because I played high school basketball on a team that once lost by 68 points).

Upon reflection, the routine activities are the ones I am most thankful for in 2009. Where it was extremely exciting to experience onions on a sandwich for the first time in 2009 it was even more rewarding to have the routine of waking up every morning, going to a job that I don’t hate, regularly visiting Arkansas and being received countless times with open arms, attending a plethora of weddings and seeing dear friends make a lifetime commitment, attending more than one Razorback game where they met every one of my expectations by letting me down right when I found myself hopeful and of course there’s the daily routine of washing, drying and brushing my pretty-much perfect head of hair. Yes, it’s the routine and every day activities that prove to be the most fulfilling because they serve as a daily reminder of how blessed I am.

What would a year be if some lessons weren’t learned along the way? After a few not-so-awesome moments it can be rest assured that I will never again watch the HBO show, “True Blood,” nor will I ever give 10 bucks to the homeless lady by my office and expect her to remember me the next day and not continue to ask for money, I won’t “reply-all” to an email without first checking who I am replying-all to and I won’t volunteer to be on my office’s party planning committee unless I actually want to plan some parties.

This year also proved to be full of some really interesting incidents. For example, one day I was driving to the grocery store and after switching lanes by correctly using my turn signal to caution other drivers that I was, in fact, switching lanes this other driver took it upon herself to follow me to the grocery store and get out of her car and point her finger at me as if it were a gun and then mouth a not-so-friendly phrase to me. There was also a really interesting conversation with my boss that resulted in a promotion and a lot more responsibility. That was probably the most interesting thing that happened this year besides the time I saw a midget riding a BMX bike down Interstate 35. Or the time a 56-year-old doctor told me he would take me out for Valentine’s day and would take me shopping.

As you can probably infer 2009 was kind of a big year for me personally and professionally. You can figure that out just because I used the word professionally outside of my job.

In conclusion, I do hope this letter finds each of you well and that if your stockings are hung by the fireplace, that they really are hung with care, because I would hate for them to catch on fire. I also hope that during this time of year you are taking time to celebrate the fact that Jesus Christ was born and brought into this world so that each of us could have life everlasting in Him.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Signed with much fervor,

lc

robert.

I have a wandering mind. Often, the places my own mind takes me is frightening. Whether I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone else or just thinking to myself, I regularly have to say, "Where the hell did that come from?"

It's a blessing and a curse. A curse when you're on the same team as me during charades or catch phrase. The word or phrase could be, sleeping baby and my teammate could be motioning "shhh" and have their arms like they are cradling a baby and I would probably yell, "TOUCHDOWN!" or "The Verizon guy-- can you hear me now?" Which would send me into another fit of diarrhea of the mouth.

Anyway.

Yesterday, I was sitting in church and the sermon was almost finished. Suddenly, I thought, What if Jesus' name was Robert? I spent the rest of my day on this subject.

What if the text we will all read later this week was actually, But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name ROBERT.

Can you imagine?

Oh, to be more like Robert...

worst. christmas. ever.

There was a time, which now seems like long ago, when my family would pack up the ole family truckster (in our case, a '92 Chevy Lumina APV [two-tone, mind you]) and head to my grandmother's house for Christmas.

My parents never brought our gifts down for us to open on Christmas morning, so my brosef and I usually got to go through our stockings and then open up our one present from our grandmother-- always a sweatshirt and matching sweatpants. And I'm talking sweats. Not cute ones either. And mine were usually too small, so they were more like spandex. We'd get cash (hundred dolla bills, y'all) out of the stocking and underwear, too. This was the same. Every. Single. Year.

It was routine and I was very used to not really opening up too many presents on Christmas morning at my Grandmother's, even though my cousins always had their presents to open. One year, two of my cousins got up at 2am and discovered new bikes for themselves. I discovered a six-pack of Hanes-Her-Way that I'm confident I could still fit into today, because I'm pretty sure my grandmother always just bought the same size of underwear for me that she bought for herself.

The very last Christmas I ever spent with the whole family down at my grandmother's was during high school. I knew I had no presents to open, but every year I held out hope that my parent's would go ape-shit-crazy and surprise my brother and me with a crock-pot or something as equally as special.

When I woke up on this particular morning and walked into the living room my father met me with a smile on his face. He grabbed me and said, "Go look out in the yard. There's a surprise for you. I got you a car!" Now, this was the definition of ape-shit-crazy. My father, the man who had convinced me my whole life that he was broke and I was quickly sending him to bankruptcy because of my love of expensive Nike basketball shoes had surprised me with a new car?!

I ran outside and didn't see anything new. He told me to look on the side of the house. And there it was: a Chevy Lumina (the car, not the van). It had run off the road the night before and instead of driving out of the ditch, the driver left it there in my grandmother's yard and my father thought he'd tell me that this was his surprise to me. Talk about being devastated. Not only was that car not mine, but had it been, I think I would've been even more disappointed than I already was.

Merry Christmas, there's a car in the ditch for you.

crimmas list.

Seeing as how "Christmas comes this time each year" and every year I am asked for a Christmas list, I'd like to share it with the internetS. You may remember all of the things I asked for last year. Well, I just went back over it and I didn't get one single thing on that list. Not. One. Single. Thing.

To Whom it May Concern,

The season of giving and gladness is upon us and this year, being no different than any other, I'm expecting big things. Big things in the form of materialistic shit that will be wrapped in paper and placed under the family tree. There have been years where you've really pulled out all the stops: remember the six-disc CD changer and dual tape deck? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. No holds barred, no questions asked, go big or go home.

In no particular order, please accept my wishes for Christmas 2009.

1. Any and all Taylor Swift songs to no longer be played on repeat on every single radio station ever.

2. The ability to fly.

3. A puppy that stays a puppy forever. I'll name it "Christmas" and they'll make a movie about it, called, "A Puppy Named Christmas."

4. A joint checking account with someone.

Thanks and love,

ln

This was obviously a Christmas where my needs were not met.

'tis the season.

Admittedly, I've haven't been keeping up with the spirit of the season this year. The words, "to be jolly" have made me all but double-over in pain and every single gift I have bought has been sporadic (see: compulsive) and over the internetS. Now, I'm not trying to be all bah-humbug and lame ass, I'm just being real.

However, I see a change coming on...I think I'm regaining a bit of a pep in my step and I think it's because of a little song by Destiny's Child called, Spread a Little Love on Christmas Day. This is one of the most real songs ever written about Christmas, because Beyonce wants to know, not if you'll give her a gift or celebrate the birth of our Savior, no...she wants to know if you'll have her back on Christmas day.

I mean, how often is it that we get wrapped up in the gifts and the joy and the family time and forget about making sure your back is covered? I say, all too often, all too often, my friends.

So, during this time of friends, family, food, over-consumption of alcoholic beverages, Zhu-Zhu pets, puff paint sweaters and good cheer, please remember to make sure someone has your back-- I mean, what could be more painful than sitting under the tree on Christmas Eve without the supreme comfort of someone having your back.

Think about it.

SPREAD A LITTLE LOVE ON CHRISTMAS DAY

It's beautiful outside and the wind is whistling
I look outside my window as I see my neighbor's Christmas tree
The snow is falling, my spirit's feeling happy
I'm feeling even better cause I got my family next to me

I gotta thank my Lord, thank you Lord
Thanks for what I have, thanks for what I got
I couldn't ask for more, wouldn't ask for more
God I am so glad, Thanks for what I got

Some think I am blessed just because of the
Amount written on my check not because of the
Amount of my happiness is the reason
Why I am so blessed
Having me a Merry Christmas
Feliz Navidad
And having me a Merry Kwanzaa
Happy Hanukkah

Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day

Somewhere high up in the sky my Santa Clause is coming
With Donner, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, keeping Randolph coming
He's bringing goodies, to the ghettos and the hoodies
To mansions and suburban places and apartment kiddies

Representing Houston, Texas
ATL, Illinois ladies
Chillin with Rosie O'Donnell
Having a good time we clownin

Some think I am blessed just because of the
Amount written on my check not because of the
Amount of my happiness is the reason
Why I am so blessed
Having me a Merry Christmas
Feliz Navidad
And having me a Merry Kwanzaa
Happy Hanukkah

Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Do you have my back on Christmas day!
Yes I got your back on Christmas day!
Do you have my back on Christmas day?
Girl i got your back on Christmas day!
You got my back? (I got your back.)
Listen

My youngsters, teenagers, my Mommas, my Poppas
My sisters, my brothers, Grandmothers, Grandfathers
My uncles, my aunties, my nephews, my nieces
I hope you, I hope you're ready for the season
And I hope you heard one thing I had to say
Laugh, love, care, share, bring peace and pray
Bring lots of happiness and joy to someone's day
We're gonna spread a little love on Christmas Day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day...

first works III.

Untitled

A smile is like a sunny day,

they almost never go away.

Always bright and beautiful,

the sun makes me smile,

and smiles make me happy.

A smile is like a sunny day.

I have to be honest, that one is just embarrassing.

The Car

The car's bright blue,

like the ocean.

The car is fast,

like a speeding bullet.

The car's windows twinkle at me,

like the bright city lights.

The car's headlights stare at me,

like two glowing cat's eyes.

The car.

What the F? Glowing cat's eyes?

first works II.

Yes, there's more where that came from.

Nature

Nature is beauty,

nature is clear,

nature is an ever going cheer.

Nature never ceases,

always ready for battle.

Nature is beauty,

nature is clear.

Wait, I'm sorry-- what?! Nature is always ready for battle? Is that true? I feel like in most cases nature is fairly defenseless. I mean, erosion?

My Life

My life is so dull,

I need a new lull.

I talk a little,

walk a little,

sing some too,

sometimes I go to the zoo.

But, it'll change,

when I change too.

What will change? Seriously, I'd love to go talk to my 7th grade self.

first works.

If you look to the right of this post you'll see a photo of me (it's a bit dated, so don't look too hard) and under it a blurb describing the path I took to get to this blog. I left out a small part of the story: I was also very much an aspiring poet and songwriter in my youth. Every single day of 11th grade I would write a few poems and then a friend would read them out loud at lunch. The Reg trashed about 300 of those poems sometime into my senior year in high school, but while being at home this past weekend my grandmother presented me with my 7th grade poetry project she found while cleaning.

Behold the birth of genius...

Miracles

Miracles are love,

miracles are peace,

miracles are freedom,

miracles are life-savers,

miracles are whatever is amazing.

I find this to be especially interesting because I'm not sure why in the world I would write a poem about miracles unless prompted. I'm pretty sure in 7th grade I had never witnessed, nor been a part of a miracle before (unless you count the Razorbacks 1994 NCAA Final Four victory).

Untitled

My home is a dome over me,

it is very quiet.

I rest,

in my domed home.

In the middle of a small sea,

me.

I am very quiet,

sleeping.

The dome cracks,

the sea waves (I think, I can't read my cursive),

I wake,

cheaping (again, I can't read my cursive).

First off, my home is not a dome. It wasn't then and it isn't now. I live nowhere near a sea and in 7th grade the only water I had ever seen was Lake Ouachita. And why was I sleeping in the middle of a small sea?

not thankful.

It's that time of year again. The time where everyone gets all mushy and sappy and in one day alone you receive 12 different e-cards featuring the same dancing turkey singing, "I'm thankful for you," in nine different languages. I'm kind of over that, well under it, because I haven't been on it yet.

This year, while I have a host (meaning, many) of things to be thankful for I have numerous things that I am not thankful for as well.

• I am not, repeat, NOT thankful that my favorite easy listening station, 103.7, in Dallas has decided to already start playing Christmas music 24/7. Gag. How am I supposed to get my fill of Sting and Genesis now?
• I am not thankful for daylight savings time. I'm scared to do a lot of things alone at night, including trips to Target and the local grocer's. So, now that it's dark at 2pm when do I go?
• I am not thankful for Oprah. I'm just not. Sue me.
• I am not thankful for AT&T U-Verse. I am confident that it only functions at 100%, 9% of the time.
• I am not thankful for the crazy guy that hangs out by my office every day of the week. I'm not thankful for him because he scares me and makes weird faces at me. I'm not thankful for him because the other day he stood directly in front of my car as I entered the parking lot and didn't even budge. I'm not thankful for him, but I chose not to hit him with my car because ultimately, I'd end up paying for his medical bills.
• I'm not very thankful for my iPhone. Like AT&T U-Verse the actual PHONE part of this phone is never functioning at full force. Never.

I realize by writing and publishing this post here on my web log that I look like a total cynic and completely ungrateful for the things I have in my life. Well, stop and think about it. Don't you think if I'm complaining that my super expensive, really nice cell phone isn't working up to my expectations, then really I have very few complaints and am actually completely and totally grateful for the over abundance of good that is my life? Yes, that's what I thought.

where has lc gone?

Admittedly, I'm one of those people that read blogs and then get frustrated and bored when people don't maintain their blog, especially the ones I like to read. Now, hear this, I'm not saying people out there in the internetS are enjoying reading this web log or that they get frustrated when I don't update it, I'm just saying I've turned into one of those people who suck at blogging.

This problem has been growing for months and has now turned into a full-blown issue. In recent months I've taken on a new role at work that requires more time spent actually working, more creativity from me and more overall consideration and thought put into every single thing I do. This affects the blog because I feel like every ounce of creativity is oozed out of me at work. That statement would make it seem like (1) I find myself to be very creative and (2) that I think other people think I'm creative. False. I think that people read this blog solely for the purpose of procrastinating at work. I recognize this and like that people would rather read this blog than fill in an Excel sheet, which is really like saying, people would rather listen to me talk than have someone poke them repeatedly with a fork. Duh.

Anyway, my apologies to those of you out there in the internetS who have found themselves being more productive at work because of my lack of web log postings.

I'll leave you with a few thoughts I've had over the last few weeks:

• Holly, Heidi's sister and cast member on The Hills has been approached several times about going to rehab. I have a problem with this because the way Holly acts (and dances) is the way I act on an almost regular basis and I don't have rehab scheduled until at least 2014. Maybe I'm missing something, but if the girl is still drinking expensive liquor and mixing it with Coke products she's fine-- it's when she heads straight for the jug of Heaven Hill or Dewar's and drinks it straight without a flinch or any type of reflex that we should start to worry.
• I go to bed almost every single night before or right at 9pm. I'm confident that this is not normal and where I see it as disciplined and effective it's only setting me up for failure come time for any type of social activity that will require my eyelids to be open and my body to have something draped over it other than sweatpants for a time period that extends past the 9 o'clock hour.
• This past year I have seen two of my closest and dearest friends walk through fire. I've been humbled by their words and actions throughout this battle and have never been more confident in the Lord after seeing their refinement throughout the daily struggles this fire has produced. A year ago I remember saying to each of them, individually, that eventually they'd be able to see the refinement and have a new perspective on Jesus, but looking back I'm not sure I even really believed what I was saying. I was grasping for anything to say to them to encourage them. Turns out, I was right. After everything, I have a new perspective on Jesus. I've been refined. I'm changed because of them and I will forever look at them differently. Now, where I once saw two dear and very special friends I also see my heroes. My literal, real-life heroes. That sounds beyond plastic and fake and you can believe that if you want, but Jesus isn't plastic, He is real and when you open your eyes you can see that and believe it with your whole heart.

oh, the youtubes.

On an all too regular basis videos like this end up in my inbox. They make me giggle a little, my croanies and I will send a few e-mails back and fourth about it and then it's forgotten until someone else sends the video and being all cool I reply back, "Saw this over a month ago. Where have you been? But, SOOOOOOOOO funny."

For the most part videos like this one bring me moments of happiness, but at the core of those moments there is sadness. Why? Because these people are obviously lacking a few things in their life. Things like people who say, "What the hell are you doing taping yourself why you're on the toilet?" Clearly, there's no support system for this woman. Clearly, this is a call for help, one last chance for her to lasso in her all but escaped dignity and form a regular life. I have no doubts that she made this video because no one in her clique responded to the dozen text messages she sent out the previous night asking, "where my gUrls at?" This video is a cry for attention, a plea to those who have left her all alone on the toilet to tape herself.

Are you or someone you know struggling with a need for attention? Do you regularly make embarrassing videos and post them on the internetS for the world to view? Do you need a hug? Did your mother make you do your own laundry starting in fifth grade? Did you retreat into a life of solitude after your karaoke career stalled?

If you can answer "yes" to any of those questions you need to disable your Youtube account and get away from the internetS.

my brosef.

A few years ago, we'll say 29, a baby boy was born to the Reg and LJ in Dog Town, Arkansas (North Little Rock). Because, three years later, I was born to these same parents that little boy is my brosef.

My brosef, despite our numerous differences, has always been my biggest fan. You would think that honor would go to the Reg and LJ, but they don't think I'm as funny as he does. In high school he never missed any event or game I was participating in. In junior high, the few times the parentals couldn't make a game he would come without them so I wouldn't have to ride the bus home. The kid even helped coach my softball teams when I was younger. He'd spend hours and hours with me in the driveway playing basketball. On nights that weren't school nights we'd play well past midnight.

He graciously taught me to drive, "brake in, gas out." He drove me to school and picked me up almost everyday after he turned 16. He would drive me to Wal-Mart and the grocery store and to the donut shop before church. He probably did those things because he was forced to, but sometimes he let me pick out the music, meaning I could choose from Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Sr. or Garth Brooks. If we were ever in the car and he knew I was sad he could immediately make me laugh by simply honking the horn or tilting the steering up to make it look like a bus steering wheel. We called it "bus driver mode" and it was the highlight of any drive together.

These stories make it seem like we had this picturesque relationship growing up and nothing could farther from the truth. He tortured me plain and simple. He was always stealing my teddy bear (creatively named, Teddy) and my blanket. He always fought me for the front seat and the remote. And when we got older and I started using hair styling tools that required to be plugged in to the wall if I ever forgot to unplug them he'd hide them and tell the Reg that I was going to burn the house down soon. I usually wouldn't notice they were hidden until I was about to leave the house and actually needed them.

When all of those things were happening I would have never imagined that my Brosef or even myself would ever grow-up or ever truly like each other. I couldn't have been more wrong. Today, not only do I like my brosef, I love him. In him, I see an extremely kind individual that can't tell a funny story to save his life. I see a kid who took a passion for sports and applied it to his job and now stands on the sidelines coaching. It scares the hell out of me that he also stands at the front of a classroom every day and teaches these same kids, but hey-- you can't win them all. I see a man who used to be a shy little boy who couldn't do anything without being prodded along now fully confident in talking to brick walls. I see a teenager and young adult who got the "friend card" pulled on him several times married to an incredibly smart, caring, fun girl that is so far out of his league he can't see her league!

Brosef, thanks for all the encouragement over the years even if I saw it as annoying. It's because of you that I write and that I tell stories. It's because of you that girls all over the state of Arkansas know how to "drag bunt." It's because of you that I remember to turn off my Chi every morning. And it's because of you that holidays are fun.

Thanks for being my brosef, even though you didn't have a choice. HAPPY BURRDAY.

the hills: party poopers.

Who is playing who K-Cav asks and then tells Lo she is heading to Laguna to "get away." And of course, K-Cav breaks down every last detail of Brody's surprise party without any details at all. She describes MySpace gUrl, Jay-de, and Brody's relationship as "intent." I think she meant "intense," but I cannot read her mind. Probably because she doesn't have one (OH, I must admit that was a royal set-up).

"He has to work for it." --K-Cav

I don't think slutty girls know what that means. Probably means calling rather than texting.

------

StephiePratt, or Frankenstein's gUrlie, and Auds are hanging out and talking about Derek. But, she wasn't talking about Derek at all...she was talking about Justin the whole time.

"Go move on...I have." --Auds

Clearly.

-----

We follow K-Cav to Laguna to visit her folksies. Dennis, her pops, is popping open a bottle of wine and fixing a plate of cheese. I could be wrong, but in high school I recall K-Cav living, not by the beach, but in a really small house that resembled a trailer. Interesting. Must be a rental.

"Is Brody still kind of in love with himself?" --K-Cav Pops

Nail. Meet head.

K-Cav is breaking down the dynamics of the group to her parental unit and her pops keep shaking his head like he knows what's going on.

"He's kind of a flake. He has a lot of baggage." --K-Cav

-----

We meet up with the Pratties and Spencer is wearing that hat again. He claims Heidi's dad bought it for him, which proves that he must hate him. When they enter the club Holly is having a mini party all by herself. The gang is concerned.

"Hey Holly, how's it going? Best party EVER?" --CharlieBra

"Every single second of my life is the best second of my life." --Holly

"That's a good way to look at it." --CharlieBra

Isn't it though?

Holly talks to Heidi's "boss" and Heidi and Spence let the acting begin. StephiePratt steps in and tells her to calm her shit down, which she does by performing a choreographed dance. It was pretty good, so I think Spencer's claim of her downing 200 drinks was false.

-----

StephiePratt and Heidi get together and sit at a table at a restaurant. StephiePratt is serious and she means business. She starts telling Heidi that Holly drinks A LOT and is out of control which is a result of other problems going on in her life. StephiePratt tells Heidi that she NEEDS to talk to Holly and says, "take Spencer."

And scene.

If Spencer comes to my door to talk to me about anything, especially alcoholism or clothing, I'm out. OUT, I say.

-----

K-Cav is back in the 'Bu and J. Bobby is cooking up a storm for her. He apparently wasn't invited over and K-Cav is surprised to see him. He missed the party because he was "out of town for a little while."

"You having fun?" --J. Bobby

Can you really ask that about a situation that has been going for less than 12 seconds and literally nothing is happening? I mean, I guess you can, but it seems a little out of left-field. Fun? What about that could've possibly been fun?

-----

Auds and Derek are out on a little date-night. Derek asks for a CD and Auds just knows she already gave it to him, but WAIT, she could've given it up to Justin. Of course! Please tell me how every conversation Auds has involves J. Bobby.

"Are you over him?" --Derek

"Yeah..." --Auds

That was said with a bit of a shrug and a "well...sure...no...what" look.

-----

"You're going to tell your mom about me?" --K-Cav

"I don't want a boyfriend." --K-Cav

"Right, right...COME ON." --J. Bobby

-----

The Pratties are taking Holly out for a nice little intervention lunch. Holly wobbles in. Literally. Holly orders a margarita. At lunch. I guess if you don't have a job that's alright.

Heidi jumps right in with the "you have a problem." Spence even makes a few good points and Heidi jumps in and then you hear Spence say, "yeah, yeah!" He grunts a few times and throws in, "I saw you do a dance-off!" The grunts were a little much. I think he was probably mocking her dancing, but he was off-camera so I'll never know.

"We're so similar. Like a long-haired Spencer Pratt, with better dance moves." --Spence

Was there a compliment in there somewhere?

"Alcohol shouldn't be the number one love of my life, but we've had some great years together." --Holly

I want that on a Hallmark card.

Easiest intervention EVER.

-----

Finally, over to Brody's we go. K-Cav greets him at the door and I immediately see bad things happening. Also, the dog in the scene apparently used to be "their" dog. Interesting.

"He came to my Malibu house. He hunted me down." --K-Cav

Hunted you down? He knows your address. Easy hunt. I thought you wanted him to work for it. Give him a wrong phone number and tell him you live in Salt Lake City then see if he can find you.

-----

J. Bobby is walking the streets alone and we see that he's going to meet up with (GASP) Auds!

"I don't know whether to give you a hug?" --Auds

"Oh, we can just sit." --J. Bobby

As he sits two miles away. Boom. Roasted.

Auds wants to break the ice and doesn't want their to be awkwardness. Does awkward also mean boring?

J. Bobby is mad about Derek and he doesn't care. He pours out his heart and Auds greets him with a blank look.

"I would never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge ever in my life." --J. Bobby

Even after you saw her acting skills in "Sorority Row?"

"I won't talk to Derek anymore." --Auds

It's that easy?

Wow, these people are just dumb. I can't even write anymore on that subject. I have a college degree and I just spent 23 minutes of my life watching this and then breaking it down. Maybe I'm the dumb one.

lisa, but with an "R."

My dear friend, Risa, is celebrating 27 years of living today, but really I'm the one celebrating. Celebrating because Risa is one of those people that you can call and spill your guts out to and you know nothing has changed. I could run over her cat, set her collection of My Little Ponies on fire and cut up her Anne Taylor Loft card and she would love me the same.

Risa is super smart, extremely funny and dresses very maturely. She's not the most amazing dancer I've ever met, but she can do a Pedro (from Napoleon Dynamite) impression better than anyone on Earth!

She's definitely someone you want on your team-- especially if you're losing, because she just has a great attitude. About everything. I know she'll disagree with that statement, but I don't care.

Risa, I hope your burrday is marvelous. I hope it's spent watching really crappy crime scene investigative shows or maybe with a round of non-alcoholic margaritas with your cray-z aunties from the West.

Risa, thanks: for being my friend. For g-chatting with me. For answering the phone at 3 a.m. when I'm making poor decisions. For taking me on two tours of D.C. For teaching me Daniel at camp, even though you didn't teach much. For never putting me in kayak at camp. For almost always giving me two off-periods at camp. For being a reference on my resume. For making me laugh. For encouraging me. For telling me to shut-up when I need to shut-up. For getting in line in '09. For being a good example. For recognizing good hair when you see it.

And most importantly, for being a unique and caring individual in a world that is becoming less and less unique and caring. You haven't saved me hundreds of dollars on therapy, but you have saved me thousands and I'm grateful for you.

Happy Burrday.

kool-aid.

Let me tell you the residents of Rt. 2 Box 166 (now a different address, but for the purpose of protecting my beloved parentals privacy and their precious dog, I will not reveal it) loved some Kool-Aid, well my mother preferred Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke, but the rest of us could drink some Kool-Aid. Our favorites were, without hesitation, black cherry and tropical punch. Later in life, lemonade became a favorite and on occasion my Brosef would get crazy and mix two flavors together much to the delight of The Reg and me.

People love Kool-Aid. For good reason: tasty and cheap. Cheap and tasty.

People love Kool-Aid so much that in 1978 some 900-odd people drank Kool-Aid poisoned by cyanide. This happened in Guyana in a case eventually referred to as Jonestown. This mass suicide is where the phrase, "Drinking the Kool-Aid" came to play. These 900-odd people were drinking Kool-Aid given to them by their cult leader, Jim Jones. 900-odd people were totally drinking Jones' Kool-Aid, believing and following every last thing he said up until their deaths.

Most likely to serve Kool-Aid at their children's weddings:

President Barack Obama-- This man's Kool-Aid is so delicious he received a Nobel Peace Price for flavor and taste. He received the award well before his first batch was even ready. He had barely filled up the pitcher with water and even now, it's not even half-full. Essentially, there's no Kool-Aid to drink, only a promise of cool, delicious, refreshing Kool-Aid.

Tim "Messiah" Tebow-- This kid's Kool-Aid is so good they gave him a Heisman. And sometimes it's just above average good and people think they are drinking his Kool-Aid from 2007, when really they aren't. He celebrates his Kool-Aid way too much and in turn, people over-hype it. Sometimes other members from his team try to share their Kool-Aid and people come from nowhere to stick Tebow's Kool-Aid in front of his teammates'. People get drunk off of his Kool-Aid and that's never good.

I'm not trying to hate, or maybe I am, I'm just saying-- a Nobel Peace Prize, really? Like...come. on. What are the requirements for this honor? Promises? Hope? Being a minority in a traditionally-majority role? Being a best-selling author? Having cute kids? Drinking beer and being normal, while leading the free-world? If that's the case I could nominate more than one person for this "prize" and I think I'll start with myself.

As far as Tim Tebow goes, I'd just like to say that I very much appreciate his advancement of the Gospel, but that in no way makes him Jesus. I was just like that kid in college and no one worshipped the ground I walked on (save Kaylee and Jilliams).

While I'm at it, I'd also like to caution the drinking of Kool-Aid being distributed by the following: Sarah Palin, Fox News, Oprah, Kay Bailey Hutchinson, people who say, "Happy Holidays," people who change the oil in your car, Balloon Boy's family.

Kool-Aid is good, when it served in a cool, tall un-bias glass.

oh, interesting.

First off, CNN said it best, "He was in a box. In the attic. The whole time." Yes, I'm talking about Balloon Boy. The second I read that his sibling saw him go up in the balloon and not an adult I knew that kid was not in the balloon. I just really wonder what kind of media coverage I would get if I floated away in a balloon. It's something I'm willing to research.

Also, are these people friends with the Palin family? I mean, the kid's name is Falcon. And they were on Wife Swap. Some complete weirdos go on that show, which answers a lot of questions I have about the whole situation and then brings up even more concerns at the same time. Maybe they should try going on SuperNanny so they don't have to yell at the kid so much that he hides in an attic for three hours. Oh yeah, why wasn't this kid in school?

I will give props to this family for one thing: the kids are allowed to cuss inside the house, but not outside the house. A family that can cuss together can laugh together. And a family that can laugh together can watch their child vomit on national television and not skip a spotlight-seeking beat.

the hills: surprise (you all suck).

During this recap I hope to answer two questions:

-WTF?

-Wait, are you shitting me?

-----

We start the epi with K-Cav and her BFFFFFFFFF, Stacie, getting some sex toys for the Brodster and his gUrlie, Jay-de. K-Cav really shows her classy side when she starts telling Stacie about her "vanilla" relationship with the Brodster. That Stacie, she's just good company.

-----

The epi really begins when we see Justin Bobby showing off in the water for his lady love, K-Cav. He isn't very good. K-Cav greets him at the shoreline soaking wet and then immediately upon handing JB a glass of white wine her hair is totally dry.

"Aww, cute." --Justin Bobby

The scene ends with a mini-montage of fun: JB and K-Cav flirting and spraying water on each other.

-----

Finally, only three minutes in we get to meet up with StephiePratt and Auds. There aren't two people much dumber than these two. I would love to discuss health care reform or even just some simple addition and subtraction math problems could be fun, too.

StephiePratt tells Auds it's time for her to start going out again and we are able to ask the question: WTF? Auds acts as if her hiatus from "going out" was because of some tragedy. Nope, turns out it was "just to get my head straight after Justin." This comment was met with a full-on blank stare from StephiePratt.

"I already know where this is going Audrina...dude, Derek is so hot." --StephiePratt

StephiePratt missed a golden opportunity here to talk some sense into her dear friend Auds, but instead she says not to date a guy who is too nice because you'd get bored.

Can we address StephiePratt's obvious plastic surgery face yet? Ok, lets-- OUCH. She's now like a hybrid of a plastic toy and your old scary aunt who got too much botox. Janice Dickinson, meet StephiePratt.

-----

We are then taken to the surprise party of the century (or of this half-hour on MTV). Jay-de and her playmate/MySpace gUrl crew are hosting the party at the Brodster's mom's house. What 26th birthday party isn't complete without a bounce-house? I thought those things had a weight limit.

Lo and StephiePratt are there and let me tell you, you can't get much past those two. Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes, Jr. right there. They cracked the case: K-Cav and Justin are dating.

Jay-de, looking all plastic, greets her main man at the gate and everyone is happy.

"Where's your man, where's Justin?" --Brodster

The Hills producers were really rubbing in that JB didn't show. So much so that Brody asked K-Cav not once, but twice where her man was. COLD.

The party is almost ruined when Frankie hits K-Cav in the face and Brody shows a little too much attention to her. Then, Brody's mother almost makes out with K-Cav.

Jay-de begs the Brodster to open presents.

"Yeah, can we open all these F&&&*** presents?" --Jay-de

CLASSY.

Jay-de isn't into the freaky stuff or the after-party and ruins the party. She must've been drinking straight Jagermeister again because she tip-toed off like she was walking on hot coals or something.

"We don't care." --Brodster

Couldn't have said it better myself.

-----

We meet up with Auds in the middle of the day for her lunch date. Most people go on lunch dates because they work. I'm not sure why Auds goes on them.

Can you imagine what a first date would be like with Audrina? Do you think she reads off of note cards? Can you imagine being on a date and someone saying, "Did you have fun at the Tool concert?" I didn't even know they were still a band. Interesting and fun fact.

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about Justin." --Auds

Funny. That is ALL you talk about.

-----

Again, during the middle of the day, we hop on over to the PrattPad where Spence and CharlieBra are hitting some golf balls into the canyon. I must admit, I've been missing CharlieBra. Where is Sleazy-T though?

This is the time where I'd like to address the question: Wait, are you shitting me?

Wait, are you shitting me, Spencer? What are you wearing? I thought it was a joke last week, but it seems like you are for real with this necklace that you're wearing. I can't tell if it's a dead rabbit or a combination of an old computer and a dead rabbit. Must have been in the bargain bin at Target. Those little bastards always get me, too! I mean, they put them right at the front door and everything is only a dollar.

CharlieBra agrees that children should not be on the horizon for the Pratties. And what is up with this kid? I mean, you mention him and immediately he appears on screen. What. a. coincidence.

"Heidi like kids." --Small weird child

Do you really think Spencer could count to 1,000?

"This is so over my head, I never thought (A) I'd have a wife..." --Spence

I bet you aren't the only person who thought that.

-----

We head over to the Brodster's after-party, which surprisingly is not at the Waffle House.

Stacie is there, but she wasn't at the real party. Can't say I've ever attended an intimate after-party if I wasn't invited to the real party first.

The Brodster and the rest of the Bromance crew show up and I swear a 40-year-old man in Tommy Bahama and glasses shows up looking around like, "How'd I get here? Who cares! I'm drinking a beer in a koozie."

K-Cav and the Brodster break down the basics of love and the pain that comes along with it.

-----

The Pratties are out to din-din and not only did Spencer go out in public with that hat on his head, but people let him into a restaurant wearing it.

"What do you have against babies?" --Heidi

Probably the same thing all of humanity has against him: breathing.

"Is this a marriage or a dictatorship?" --Spence

"What you want, I want." --Heidi

Heidi, do you want that hat, too? Please say no. But, if you say no, you're a liar.

You know what really burns me? Those dumb Hills producers really think people out there are falling for the story line of little Pratties coming into the world soon. I mean, come on. How many months ago was it that Heidi released her very critically not acclaimed flop, "Blackout?" This is a woman who wants children?

-----

Per the usual, we meet up with StephiePratt and Auds for their daily ritual of getting together and desperately trying to form sentences that make sense so they can re-play their night before.

I'm not sure if Auds has trouble with this because StephiePratt is an idiot or if StephiePratt has trouble with it because Auds is an idiot. It's really a toss-up. I mean, at one point during Auds' break-down of her lunch date StephiePratt is just staring at her. The only other time I've seen a look like that the person had just seen a trainwreck. Which actually, is probably a reasonable comparison when you think about it.

And ever-true to her word, Auds doesn't want to talk about Justin, but she does.

-----

We hop back on over to K-Cav's Malibu Barbie beach house and Stacie greets K-Cav as she walks down the stairs. So, Stacie and K-Cav live together? Do you think that's weird? You just have to live with some girl that Spencer met in a bar? I mean, literally that's why.

And let's mention that it looks like Stacie's after-party went on a little longer than everyone else's. She is looking R-O-U-G-H. And she's drinking what looks to be some sort of martini. I mean, it could be 2 o'clock in the afternoon, but I'm doubtful.

K-Cav and Stacie analyze Justin Bobby and his games. K-Cav puts her foot down.

"Strike one." --K-Cav

Oh, K-Cav, you're so generous.

-----

And I would now like to talk about the commercials for The Hills. I mean, can you imagine being on a show and the producers come up to you and say, "Ok, we've got a great idea: we're going to borrow some lights from an old P-Diddy video and it's going to say, 'The bitch is back,' you'll just stand next to it." I mean, what? Mom and dad must be over-the-moon proud.

the hills: girl fight.

You know we're in for a treat when the beginning narration starts with, "I had to talk to Audrina face-to-face." This is two-fold. First, Audrina isn't smart. She's not good at speaking and using words, so any scene involving her and confrontation is simply masterful. And second, K-Cav is a lil' demon bitch.

-----

K-Cav is with Stacy, the bartender slutbag, hanging and drinking water. I spotted salads, but no one took any bites. K-Cav called Audrina out about being an adult. This coming from the girl, who last week screamed, "This is how it's gonna be? This is how it's going to be!" at the top of her lungs for the better part of nine minutes.

While we're on the subject of Stacy, can someone please tell me how she became an actual fixture on this show? I mean...she was a bartender that flirted with Spencer and now she's friends with K-Cav? I'm so confused. This isn't real.

-----

Audie is playing hangiez with her sissy and they are shopping.

"Well, Justin's a douche."--Sister

"Pretty much." --Audie

"Bad seed...well, are you going to have lunch with her?"--Sissy

This conversation was very interesting. It lacked any depth at all, but was full of body art.

-----

We hop on over to the Pratt Pad and StephiePratt rolls up with some murdered out rims.

"It's not very kid proof."--StephiePratt

"That's why I got it." --Spence

"That's why I need a kid... to mature him." --Heidi

Whoa, bad idea. Worst idea. StephiePratt steps in and says, "That's a bad idea."

"Puppies, cats, dogs." --Spencer

"You need something to help you grow as a man." --Heidi

"No, I'll meditate." --Spencer

And then, it was over. What just happened? Well, it's hard to say, but Heidi wants kids so Spence will grow up and Spence, being the mature one in the relationship realizes that this is a horrible idea. But, hey-- they have windows in their house.

-----

We meet up with K-Cav looking terribly sad and dramatic and Lo. K-Cav's hair is perfection. For a lunch date. I think she has a hair person. Oh, Hills producers, you so make these people's lives so much better.

They are drinking water. But, they are at a restaurant.

"I probably should just go for Justin, if you mess with me, I'll mess with you." --K-Cav

I think this is a great reason to start a relationship. They should probably have a child too, you know, so Justin Bobby will mature a little.

-----

We're back with Auds and the lil' gUrliez. More "conversations" are happening. Auds totes stood up K-Cav. And Lo is looking like she might be going to a prom with her make-up all done up.

"Wait. I need black clothes." --StephiePratt

Not for a grand opening, but maybe for the funeral of my life because I'll never get it back after this.

-----

Back to the PrattPad. Some fake neighbors come over with a small child on a scooter. The small child is annoying. Much like SpencerBoy.

"I'm not even seeing the girl I married because you're so crazy. Don't ever volunteer me to babysit again. Thank you." --Spence

"You're not welcome." --Heidi

Classic come back from Heidi.

Classic.

-----

On to the band show case. Auds totes took Lo to work like it's normal. It's not normal. The singer looks way too cool for this piece of shit show. I'm almost sad for her that her record label already destined her for a life of nothing by introducing her to the world by putting her on The Hills. People who watch this show only listen to the Pussycat Dolls and old Britney Spears, not people who play the piano.

-----

We head over to the Playhouse where nasty gUrl Jay-de is sleazing it up on another gUrlie. K-Cav and Justin Bobby show up. JB has gotten a haircut and shaved.

"Tequila. Let's go." --Justin Bobby

K-Cav and Justin Bobby are slow dancing while contortionist are hanging from the ceiling. Probably a typical scene in Hollywood.

K-Can and Justin Bobby start mugging down, while sad shots of Audie flash onto the screen. Wow, talk about tugging on the heart strings. Too bad I couldn't give a rat's ass who K-Cav is kissing and how sad Audie is.

-----

Back at the PrattPad the lil' one is playing Wii and Heidi is serving snacks.

"Whoa, you're so good at THE tennis." --Heidi

The tennis?

"Say bye-bye forever. Forever." --Spence

"I'm not supposed to be around kids, I can barely be around adults. How am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?" --Spence

That is without a doubt the most true statement ever said on The Hills.

-----

StephiePratt, the moron and Audie are meeting up for a post-game chat. To sum up their evenings, StephiePratt says, "It was insane."

"I saw Justin and Kristen making out." --StephiePratt

"Ok." --Audie

Audie has anxiety.

Audie is an idiot.

-----

Justin Bobby and K-Cav are taking a trip on his bike. JB has a sparkly helmet. It's ugly.

"I'm a game player and you're a liar." --JustinBobby

Ok, I take back my earlier statement. That was the most true statement ever uttered on The Hills.

K-Cav and JB don't care and want to have a good time. Why did they go to that restaurant? Was it to eat? Do these people ever eat?

-----

My DVR cut off as JB and K-Cav rode off into the sunlight on his big ole motorbike. I feel dumber and more and more disappointed in myself ever minute that I spend watching this garbage.

quickly losing hope.

More and more often I'm reminded that I am not of this world and this world is absolutely not my home. Most of these occurrences take place either while driving or while watching reality television. On the road and on television I constantly see people who desperately need Jesus in their lives. Unfortunately, while on the road I'm the least likely person to remind someone of their eternal life in Heaven and the people on television can't seem to hear me when I'm yelling, "If you would go to church and quit getting hair extensions you might not be on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge for the 11th time while battling alcoholism. Also, if you're a recovering alcoholic why in the world would you go on this show? Why put yourself in that situation? I hate you!"

I agree that it's weird that the majority of the time I'm reminded that my daily mission should be to bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world is while driving or watching television, but hey-- conviction is conviction. It takes a village.

Anyway. This morning, while driving and flipping through radio stations I heard a song, for the second time, that literally made me weep. The first time I heard it I thought, "surely, this isn't real. This is a joke. I'm not hearing this." The song is a for-sure-to-be classic, "Baby by Me" by the ever-encouraging 50 Cent. In the lyrics, 50 states, "Have a baby by me.. Baby! Be a millionaire" He repeats this no less than 62 times in three minutes. Which, really, is quite impressive.

This song just proved, again, that there is no rest when carrying the Gospel.

And also-- I think I'm going to finally get one of those Jesus fish to go on the back of my car. It takes a village.

the woo-face.

Several (and by several, I mean, many) years ago a precious lil' baby gUrl was born to some proud parents, for the purpose of this story, we'll call them Benny and Donna.

When the gUrl was little her parents had big hopes and dreams for their first child. Little did they know she'd surpass all of those hopes and dreams and not only become her high school's homecoming queen and student council president, but also become dangerously good at body rolls and shopping.

She took her love of fashion and dropping it like it's hot all the way to Samford University where she decided she'd like to go into ministry, only later to quit because the paycheck couldn't support her outlet mall shopping habits.

Nonetheless, the gUrl grew up and today she turns 28. She's a dear friend, has a big heart and usually carries an even bigger purse. She can body roll with the best of them and has been called "The White Beyonce" on more than one occasion. She is afraid to get dirty and almost never leaves the house without "putting her face on," but, that's why she's Tay-Tay Nasty Woo-Face (I swear on my life and all the dead presidents that she gave herself that nickname) and that's why we love her and call her friend.

So, to the gUrl who once told me I was, "somewhere in between kind and demeaning," I hope your birthday is somewhere between just plain shitty and all-around wonderful. If I was in Austin today I would buy you a drink, because Lord knows you can't get enough of those. And after that I'd choreograph a dance to "Pokerface" for you and tell you that I love you dearly and I'm so very thankful to be in your friend bank. You make my life and a whole slew of others' lives much, much better...and eventful.

Here's to Taylor (SHOUT OUT).

the hills: not so welcome back.

The piece of shit show that I love to hate is back. Not bigger. Not better. More annoying. More frustrating. LC is gone. And K-Cav is in. I have a new job which will probably result in less blog recaps, but for now...

-----

We begin at Tart. The gUrlies are sitting around talking about K-Cav, the evil she-princess.

"Yeah, I know she was like Brody's first girlfriend and he got her a dog and I was like, Brody doesn't have girlfriends."-- StephiePratt

"She's easy to get in a fight with." --Lo

"Like, physical?" -- StephiePratt

"Is she gonna be our friend now?" --Audrina

Why, yes, Audrina, she IS going to be your friend, but not because you want her to be or because you like her, but because your life is controlled by PRODUCERS. Welcome to a false reality, I hear the water's great.

-----

Spence got himself a new car, yet still has the same facial hair.

"We're married, we're not like tequila-crazy-people." --Mrs. Spencer Pratt

Heidi goes on and on about all the people that can come to the party. Why can they all come? I don't understand what happened that all of those people can come but they couldn't before?

"Justin Bobby's gonna get swooooooped." --Spence

-----

We fly over to Brody's condo where Jay-de, the nasty, is struttin' around in nothing with green strips. They are fighting over K-Cav. Of course. The relationship between K-Cav and Brodster has meant nothing to this show until now.

Oh, The Hills, I loathe you.

-----

Finally.

We spot her.

I think she's driving Lauren's old car from the first season, you know, the one with the giant-ass pink suitcase in the back.

Cue the pool party.

The party the Pratts are hosting for themselves. I can dig that.

"My job is to make sure he's happy." --Mrs. Spencer Pratt

Gag me with a beef stick made of cheese.

K-Cav, walks in and claims randomness. She hugs Brodster. Hell doesn't break loose.

"As a friend you don't go there." --Audrina to StephiePratt, on JustinBobby

Dear Audrina, see above. You aren't actually friends. This is television.

StephiePratt and K-Cav get into almost instantly. Audrina interjects and suddenly, The Hills has seen more cuss words in 22 seconds than its seen in 4 previous seasons. Family friendly no more.

"It's gonna be like this? It's gonna be like this. It's gonna be like this. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS. Cause, if it's gonna be like this, it's f^&^**^ on, dude." --K-Cav

K-Cav, you already answered your own question: it's gonna be like this. But, my question: what is going to be like this? And what is this like?

-----

Auds and StephiePratt are breaking down the psycho bitch at a coffee shop. But, no coffee is seen. StephiePratt, of course, changes the subject and invites Auds to a party. Will K-Cav show? Well, I don't know...does a bear shit in the woods?

"How does one person turn all of our lives upside down?" --StephiePratt

"She can't if you don't give her the power to do it." --Auds

Boom. Roasted. Too bad you gave some producers the power to do it. K-Cav OWNS you. And your soul.

-----

Spence and Mrs. Spencer Pratt are looking for a house. Spencer looks like a complete and total lunatic. Can you even buy cowboy hats in LA? Apparently not, it looks a piece of shit was dropped on SpencerBoy's head.

-----

Ole! Fiesta time! Happy Birthday, Frank. How old is too old to be wasting away your life on MTV? Think about that as you blow out the candles on your next birthday cake.

So, JustinBobby and K-Cav are having a fun and flirty little convo and who else is participating? None other than Stacy, the slutty bartender! What. in. the. world?

They go across the street to watch the Lakers game and JustinBobby looks like a 9th grader in a class full of seniors while staring at K-Cav. Could this be any more forced?

-----

The Pratts are house hunting again and Spence cleaned his head and his face. Spence put down a deposit on the house.

"It's my way or the lame way." --Spence

-----

Uh-oh, the gUrlies are having a w(h)ine night!

"Her own ego is going to destroy herself." --Auds

Wait, what? Yes, ok.

Auds got the news from StephiePratt that K-Cav and JustinBobby "probably" went home together. Auds' face looked like a small child on Christmas who just learned that Santa isn't real and fake Santa killed their puppy.

K-Cav throws out relationship advice to JustinBobby and exclaims that Auds is in love with JustinBobby. And the flirty fun continues. My life, however...not continuing. In a roundabout way K-Cav invited JustinBobby into her bed, which leads me to believe that next week shit is going to go down. I can't guarantee I'll watch.

this is america II.

As promised...the next installment of "This is America. Bless it."

So, yesterday I'm driving home from work and I'm not in the best part of town, but I'm not in the worst part of town either. For example: a little over a year ago my completely unloved and terribly overused Chevy Malibu (pronounced Mah-lu-BOO) broke down, and I mean quit working, on the side of Interstate 35. I was just a few exits away from my office, but I called my Reg and he immediately said, "get somewhere safe," I came back with a jolly, "the only place less safe than here is Hell." If a similar scene would have happened yesterday I would have said, "There are only two places less safe than this: the place my car died the last time and Hell." So, anyway. You get the point about the quality of the neighborhood.

As I'm stopped at a stoplight my eye is drawn over to the sidewalk where a man and a woman were exiting a store. This is an everyday occurrence, not only in America, but the world. Had this man and woman been arm-in-arm or holding hands or had their hands on each other's butt cheeks I wouldn't have looked twice, but no...no, this man and this woman exited the store sharing an electric wheelchair. The man had "wheeled" himself out of the door as the woman held the door open for her beloved and then proceeded to take a load off and sit on the man's lap. Yes, that's right the woman, who had two working legs, clearly couldn't bear to walk any longer and needed a ride in the lap of her lover's electric wheelchair.

The story ends there because the light turned green, but I'd like to think they rode off into the sunset and are currently living happily.

**Lately I've been seeing a lot of electric wheelchairs around town. More and more I am seeing as many people with electric wheelchairs as I am people with bicycles. I'm always worried that one of these days one of the wheelchair operators is going to lose control and get too close to traffic or something...well, about a week ago I saw a man in an electric wheelchair (tricked out with one of those tall, bright orange flags like ones that are on soccer fields or go-carts) sitting at a stoplight in the right-hand lane just waiting on the light to turn green. He was obeying the traffic laws just like every other motorized vehicle around him and no one was paying him any attention. I mean, what in the world? That's not ok. That's terribly dangerous. And only in America would drivers sit idly by and watch a man maneuver his way through rush hour traffic in an electric wheelchair.

This IS America. Bless it.

age is relative.

I'm dangerously close to turning 26. I have a car payment. I pay taxes. I pay my car insurance. All of that to me means I'm an adult. I'm not very good at being an adult because I'd still rather spend my money on walkie talkies than put it into savings, but day-by-day I'm getting the hang of it more and more.

This morning I was up way earlier than normal, so I decided to catch up on the latest episode of Gossip Girl. It pains me to let the internetS know that I watch that show. See the above for why.

After Gossip Girl ended and I found myself thinking out loud, "How does Serena's hair always look messy, but clean..." I changed the channel to MTV while I readied myself for work and the adult world of insurance policies and phone calls that involve phrases like, "Let me crunch some numbers and check some files and get back to you." As I was getting ready and listening to MTV a P!nk song came on. Like most of her jamz it was kind of catchy-- something about clowns, burning stuff down and eating lettuce out of a hat. I caught a glimpse of the video. She was marching around a house on fire and clowns were eating strawberries and people were playing hopscotch (OR SOMETHING). I sat and watched aghast: how is it ok for an adult to act like this? I mean, I'm all for being a kid at heart and having fun and throwing stuff off of bridges, but come on-- when is it time to just be responsible? Can't P!nk make music and be a musician without acting all crazy-freak? Maybe that's her M.O. and I'm just now catching on.

Who knows, really.

I think I'm just really frustrated because, seriously, I watch Gossip Girl and that's just something I never thought I'd do or enjoy. I mean, when is it going to end? When is the Lord Jesus going to answer my prayers? When is he going to rid me of this love for terrible pop music and trashy teenage television shows?

I guess this is just my cross to bear.

always.

I feel like there are very few guarantees in life. Very few for certains. Very few things I can look at and always count on. It's just the nature of the beast (life). It's nothing to be bitter about, but rather something that makes me appreciate (or not appreciate) the things that actually are always for certain.

I would like to appreciate (or not appreciate) those things today.

The Razorbacks
The Razorbacks are always for certain going to lead you one way and immediately turn around and leave you desolate and confused somewhere. Here I am, 26 years (I count my time in the womb) into being a fan and I'm still shocked that the Razorbacks are losing games they should be winning. But, it's for certain that I'm going to continue to put my heart, my soul and my monies beyond these little piggies. Always.

Friday Afternoon Traffic
It's for certain, always, that Friday afternoon traffic is going to suck. Plain and simple. Cold hard fact. No getting around it. So, why is it that I'm always extremely pissed off and overwrought with grief when it takes me two hours to get to Plano on a Friday at 6pm? When will I learn to accept it as fact, when I already know it's fact? When I will stop the fist pumps and long strands of cuss words? I want to appreciate that this is a certain when very few things are.

I would also like to pay homage to these things this morning, for always, always, always hitting the nail on the head and continually raising my hopes on society, life and my outlook on the ever-changing, ever-not-so-certain world: The Lord Jesus Christ, Google, pizza, queso, Chi hair products, the checks and balance system put in place by our Founding Fathers, reality television shows on BravoTV, fleece vests, PhotoShop, the state of Arkansas and iPods.

Amen.

idle threats.

Oh, Twitter, you never cease to entertain me. You bring me face-to-face via 140 character messages with the likes of Paula Abdul, Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson's mother and all my favorite local television personalities. Twitter, you are pure entertainment and I'm beyond thankful that I have you in my life, because, like Facebook, you allow me to feel better about myself while mocking others. Twitter, if I go to hell because of this mocking, I'm quite confident you'll be there with me. You and Texts From Last Night.

Recently, as in yesterday, on Twitter I posted a "tweet" to a former celebrity A-lister's mother. The former A-lister: Lindsay Lohan. The former A-lister's mother: Dina Lohan. I follow Dina Lohan on Twitter for one simple reason: she makes crazy look like a lazy Sunday. I was first introduced to Dina, via E! Entertainment's own reality television show version of crack, Living Lohan. Fortunately, or unfortunately for some, Living Lohan only aired for one season. And what a shame for those of us addicts.

Initially, I didn't pay too much attention to her tweets...and then...she posted these...

sometimes i want to give up stop fighting but then i think of gahndi and when he said "he who not sinned cast the first line to fish" if i g
5:41 AM Apr 4th from web

if eveyrone who sinned can't fish then who would cast the line??? exactly NOONE!! because we all have made mistakes but we also need fish an
5:45 AM Apr 4th from web

bottom line if we don't have the fish then we all die if this doesn't make sense to you then you need Bible lessons, forgive the sinners cas
5:46 AM Apr 4th from web

if you dont have your Bible around then just do an ask jeeves search you will understand, no fish then we die, no sinners then no fish FORGI
5:49 AM Apr 4th from web

are Bible verses censored now lessons from the Lord??? at the very least can i not give wisdom to people about the need for fish and forgivn
5:51 AM Apr 4th from web

iT MIGHT BE A MUte point at this point but if tech support would at least not censor my blogs about our Lord and the Bible and be good peopl
6:29 AM Apr 4th from web

a Bible lesson once in a while to keep you GORUNDED and humble is not a bad thing and remember the fish, if everyone is perfect who will cas
3:30 PM Apr 4th from web

Those are straight from her Twitter, no making that stuff up. Clearly, you can see why I was intrigued. And when she posted this gem, I was hooked.

i am a HUMAN BEING1:49 AM Jun 24th from web
I think it's safe to say that she lives and dies by things she finds on Ask Jeeves. There's even been a few times she's apparently asked Jeeves for help with a home invasion. Try 911, honey.
So, back to my story: yesterday, I tweeted her. I simply stated that I was worried about her and she never made any sense. I giggled a bit and later got this message (a DIRECT MESSAGE) from her: dinalohan: worried about me WHY because of threatened by my SUCCESS???
Is that even an actual question? I felt like Dina Lohan asking me if I'm threatened by her success (I can only assume that's what she was asking) was equivalent to someone asking me if I'm threatened by a Cabbage Patch Doll's success. The answer is no, I'm not.
Actually, I might be more threatened by the success of Cabbage Patch Dolls than Dina Lohan, but that's still up for debate.
Here's my point: are you really successful if you are living off your daughter's fame and now that daughter is a (failing) recovering addict, who has been arrested multiple times, hasn't made a movie in a while and is only in the headlines for looking cracked out and dating an older lesbian? I would say Ms. Lohan has a very skewed (ie; loose) version of the word success.
But, then again, who am I, little ole, lc, to judge? After all, like Gahndi said, "he who not sinned cast the first line to fish."

Amen.Amen.