Thursday, June 30, 2011

tis of thee.

A mere 235 years ago a band of rebels got together and formed a nation.
That nation became the greatest country in the world.
I hold that truth to be self-evident.

Rebels posing after signing the Declaration of Independence:
Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin

When thinking about 1776 and all the events it inspired, I can't help but raise my fist in triumph. There was a declaration, there was a war, there was a country. And bam! We're here.

This 4th of July, let's shake our first in triumph.

Happy burrday, America.
I love you too much.

Monday, June 27, 2011

the bachelorette: closure.

This show would save so much time if they did two things. First off, if they didn't recap the previous show at the beginning of each show for 12-15 minutes I could spend more time googling where to buy see through shirts like the Dentist always wears. And second, if they didn't explain the "rules" at the beginning of each episode we could see more awkward interactions between the Dentist and hotel clerks-- like in Thailand. Give the people what they want! This is the 3,061st season of this show. We get the premise. And if the d-bags on the show don't get it, explain it off camera. Let's wrap this shit up. Capiche?

I have very few things to say about the Bentley drama. I'd like to wrap it up quickly: I spend a large amount of my day reading and writing articles. Some of these articles I have to edit. I might even be direct enough to say that my job title may have the word 'editor' in it somewhere. I am no expert on grammar or writing, but I know a little bit*. I have a degree in Journalism**. So, what I'm saying is this: I know grammatical terms and I know punctuation marks. And Ashley, you idiot, there's no such thing as a 'dotdotdot.' It's a freakin' ellipsis. Do you see that? ELLIPSIS. It's not used for the continuation of your love story, it's used to indicate a pause in speech when quoting someone. End Bentley...or is this continued? No, end. No... No, end it.

"Bentley, if you're watching this: F*%$ you." --Dentist
Oh, you! I have to agree.

So, the Dentist goes to see Bentley and then she puts on an ugly shirt to go on a date with Lucas. Half the date they are carrying around a frozen drink concoction. The other half it isn't there. Tricky editing bastards! Lucas looked genuinely scared the whole time they were walking around. His excuse for never having been to New York, or anywhere else for that matter, was that, "I like fishing with my buddies and stuff." Well, that explains it all!

The date isn't over yet-- the Dentist loves the skyline and wants to see it from the best possible way: a lop-sided boat in the middle of the harbor. No worries, she isn't thinking about Bentley at all. And we know that because she keeps telling us.

She is such a fisherman. She fishes for compliments in just about every conversation she has.

"God has a plan for me." --Lucas
That he does. That he does.
I pray that my plan involves me never being on this show.

Is Lucas a prophet?! Psychic?! He wanted three things to happen and they all did. THEY. ALL. HAPPENED. They danced, they kissed, he got the rose!

"His manlihood makes me feel safe." --Dentist
I'm sorry, his what?! His what makes you feel safe?
I could take this to mean SO many different things, but this is a family-friendly blog and we'll just go ahead and leave it at the Dentist being an idiot and using the wrong word, that's not even really a word.

We learn that JP gets the one-on-one. Blake is PIST (SHOUT OUT 2929) that he's "lumped in the same category as Ryan." Well, you know what Boy Dentist? You both fall directly in the tool category, right under the shed.

The Dentist tells us that people in Hong Kong "pride themselves" on dragon boat racing. Um, BULL SHIT. I'm calling you on that. In a country known for so many things involving tradition and ancestry I've never heard anyone say, "the pride of China: dragon boat racing." Come on! Have you seen the gymnasts they produce? Or the products they manufacture? Ever been to Pei Wei or PF Chang? Maybe Hong Kong is different because it was under British rule for so long. Even then, I would think they would be proud of more stuff than a boat full of people rowing around aimlessly in the water. Ok, let me retract: a boat full of people rowing around aimlessly while one person beats a drum.

Do the people of China also pride themselves on bare-midriff? Or is that just dental students from Maine who relocate to Philadelphia?

Ames and Mickey win the race and they get nothing. Oops, they got one trophy. Excuse my false reporting. Actually, it wasn't a trophy. It was a dragon on a stand. Maybe it was a dragon on a boat?

The Dentist watched a proposal on the beach. Could this be foreshadowing?

Ames pulls the Dentist into the elevator for his victory dance. Out of nowhere he starts mugging down on her. He seems like a seasoned pro, timing the closing of the elevator doors with precision. Also, he never even came close to dropping that alcoholic beverage that was probably his 19th of the evening.

Ben raided Mr. Rogers' nighttime closet and had an intimate moment with the Dentist on a balcony. Those two should stick to their imaginary kissing because they are not very good at actual kissing.

"The biggest skeptic of all." --Ben
No. That's probably me.

"If I end up with the gUrl I love that would be a dream come true." --Ben
This is your dream? It's my nightmare.

I'm confused about Mr. Sunshine. All the boyZ loathe him. Don't get me wrong, I'd want to kick the shit out of him, but he doesn't seem like a terrible person or like someone who would throw a puppy out of a moving vehicle. Blake makes bold statements about their "fundamental differences" and then says he's leaving if Mr. Sunshine gets the rose. And guess what? All talk. As my mother would say, "his mouth is writing checks his butt can't cash." None of the boyZ do anything but sit around and stare at each other in disbelief after Sunshine Ryan gets the rosy-rose. And "fundamental differences?" I think you're both lacking fundamentals period.

Rant: How can they still be in disbelief about ANY decisions this gUrl makes? She's clearly insane. You cannot expect an insane person to make rational decisions. And boyZ, hello: she's also extremely annoying and peppy, why are you so shocked that she's into the guy with the exact same personality as her? They were made for each other!

"She makes me feel alive." --JP
Try breathing.

"What was the last thing that made you cry?" --Dentist
Realizing how much time I've spent watching this bull shit and how I could've built a whole orphanage in a foreign country in that amount of time. Jesus is so sad right now. And it's my fault.

The Dentist tells JP about Bentley. She phrases it as nothing more than a secret and JP barely bats an eye. But, that random commercial break really had me for a second! FALSE. ABC, I've figured your game out. Eat it.

"I didn't get good closure." --Dentist
Really? Shocker.

Does she shop at stores that only sell ugly shirts?

JP gets the rose.
Another shocker.

They make out on a train.
So romantic. Who wouldn't want to make out while riding public transportation? Public meaning: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE SAT IN THOSE SEATS and sneezed and wiped their boogers on them. Yes, romance is alive in Hong Kong!

The Dentist is going to prom, y'all!


Seriously, if you put up my prom photo next to her outfit, you would think I looked better. And how many people can look at their prom pictures 10 years later and say that? HER HAIR IS IN AN UP-DO.

The Dentist tells the boyZ about Bentley.
Have you ever thrown shit at a fan? Ten out of 10 times that shit flies back and hits you in the face. That is exactly what we're watching on television right now. Except, she threw shit at seven different fans.

"This is real life." --JP
What a joke! This is a television show!

Listening to the boyZ bitch about this was one of the best things that has ever happened to this show.

The match of the night was Dentist versus Boy Dentist. First off, he makes her stand up and makes her chat, as he cooly sips on his mixed drink. And then, of course, she starts crying and he's over it.

Mickey on the other hand: not over it.
He asked her to send him home and blahblahblah. She says, "ok, pack your bags." And bam! He's on a boat. He ditches her and that up-do. See ya, up-do!

He's on a boat and the up-do is on a "jumbo floating restaurant," aptly named "Jumbo Kingdom."

The Dentist confronts the boyZ and starts bawling and says she just worded things wrong. Really? You mean you haven't been obsessing over some d-bag named Bentley? Oh, ok.
The boyZ fall for it. Everyone moves on.

"You'd have to be heartless to watch that and say, 'oh, I'm out of here.'" --Blake
Well, call me heartless.

"You sandbagging..." --Not Sure
You sandbagging what? Sandbagging what?!

Chris Harrison joins the up-do on the jumbo floating restaurant. The Dentist breaks down. Again. Chris is wearing a suit that looks really fancy-- almost like a tuxedo! Fancy, Chris!

The Dentist wants everyone to feel special. Chris tells her she's full of shit and an idiot. How can anyone take her seriously when she looks like she just got back from a winter formal at Gardner Junior High (SHOUT OUT)?

"Just be Ashley." --Chris
At this point, I would start giving her the advice to be anyone other than Ashley.

Do you think anybody watches Grey's Anatomy at War? There are so many commercials for Grey's Anatomy goes to Afghanistan. My word.

The Dentist gives a dumb speech.

Ames' arms looks really short. Why is he standing like that?!

Everyone gets a rose but boy dentist! The Colgate love fest is over! Pack your Sensodyne and leave the jumbo floating restaurant, Blake!

"I was fairly confident I'd be around next week." --Blake
Are you dying?

"I want someone I respect." --Blake
Not going to find that here.

"Basically, I just want a friend." --Blake
Try Facebook, moron.

The Dentist announces that she is taking the boyZ to Taiwan. Everyone acts as if they've never heard of Taiwan, there is no excitement after the announcement.

I will note though that maybe everyone is right, maybe Thailand was the perfect place to fall in love because no one said that during this episode.


* I'm not an expert and even I fall victim to grammatical mistakes.
** My degree is from the University of Arkansas, not Columbia or Northwestern, hence my mistakes.

Please do not take remarks of my knowledge to mean anything more than: 'dotdotdot' is incorrect and I'd like to correct her.

Friday, June 24, 2011


A few nights ago some of my friends challenged me to write a country music song. Since I'm always looking to first and foremost, make some money and second, expand my writing skills, I accepted the challenge.

I was given the title of the song, "I Never Go to Waco Anymore," and the rest was up to me.

I'm releasing this to the internetS in hopes that some country music star will want to buy it from me. This is VERY likely to happen. I'm sure of it.

"I Never Go to Waco Anymore"
by Lauren N. Cowling

I never go to Waco anymore.

So hard to make my way south,

All the good times I’ve ever known happened in the 254.

I never go to Waco anymore.

Just past Hillsboro, way before Austin

Waco sits on 35 like a jewel in the desert.

It’s so much more than just Baylor,

The tales of the Brazos soothe a man’s soul.

I never go to Waco anymore.

So hard to make my way south,

All the good times I’ve ever known happened in the 254.

I never go to Waco anymore.

Dr. Pepper, David Koresh, Waco is love.

Waco is looooooooooooove.

Texas Ranger Hall of Fame and Cameron Park Zoo, Waco is love.

Waco is loooooooooooooooove.

Sitting on 35 like a star in the night,

She’s not big, but she’s bright.

I never go to Waco anymore.

So hard to make my way south,

All the good times I’ve ever known happened in the 254.

I never go to Waco anymore.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

i wish.

Things I wish I could buy at the mall, but I can't: the brazen spirit of a unicorn, the feeling of security, a kind word on a bad day.

Things I wish I could burn and/or drown, but I can't: the sound of a car alarm, the feeling of knowing your flight is delayed, a bad hair day.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the bachelorette: perfect love.

The boyZ and the Dentist head to Chaing Mai, Thailand and everyone keeps saying, "it's the perfect place to fall in love." I guess if I got to ride around in a Mercedes limo from 1983 that looks like something that came out of Michael Jackson's estate, I'd agree. But, for now: I just don't get it.

Finally, the Dentist has on a cute dress.
And of course, she put on a lei and ruined it.

"Only one of you will have the opportunity to become Ashley's husband." --Chris Harrison
Wait. What? Just one?

When reading the one-on-one date card, I'm fairly certain that Sunshine boy had on a bed sheet.

Ben F. gets the date and they take off! I wish they'd really take off.

The two head to a local market to "experience new things they've never experienced before." The Dentist wants to see if Ben can handle "real life." So...clearly, this is the perfect place to do that. What's more real than being in "the perfect place to fall in love" with a bunch of cameras following you around? What's more real than painting mini umbrellas? Tell me! WHAT IS MORE REAL THAN PAINTING MINI UMBRELLAS?

Ben got super awkward during the "are you proposing already?" comment. And since he was so awkward he walked her to a temple and sat her down on a bench and they shared an imaginary kiss. An imaginary kiss. This isn't church camp. Just kiss. I'm not buddhist, you aren't offending me. It's more offensive to watch you have an imaginary kiss.

The Dentist and Ben enjoy a dinner together and talk about wine. The Dentist asks if the wine they are drinking is his. gUrl, unless that shit is Yellow Tail, I doubt they sell it in Thailand.

Does this bitch even want to be a dentist? Now, she wants to pick grapes with Ben? Just clean some damn teeth, gUrl. Please.

The boyZ learn about the group date and the two-on-one date. Heads roll.

"What do you do now that you're in a relationship?" --Dentist
"Just being on her agenda." --Ben

Ben gets the rose and the agenda.

Tell me, do you think it's hard to make out in front of 30 Thai street performers holding fire? Is that just me? Just me. Ok.

Proving just how dumb this show is...someone decided that the boyZ should do martial arts. Against each other.

"I was hoping that when we came to Thailand I could just SEE some Muay Thai Fighting." --Sunshine
Really? You thought that?

This is a disaster from the beginning. Precious Ames, from the get-go, knows he's dead. And we know someone is going to end up in a Thai hospital. So, put two and two together and go on from there.

Not sure who was impersonating the fighter encouraging them by yelling, "No! No! Do sit-up!" But, I think it was offensive. More offensive than the imaginary kissing. Less offensive than Bentley.


Side note: I would guess that if I got 8 potential suitors of mine together, very few of them would have the bodies that these guys do. Very few as in, probably zero.

The boyZ gear up and take it to the ring.

Blake wants to show the Dentist that he's more than a dentist. In turn, he kicks the shit out of Lucas. Oh, boy, you're so much more than a dentist! You also resemble someone in a boy band, you talk a lot, you're kind of a bag and now you're a Thai fighter!

The Dentist starts to realize that people could get hurt. DUH. Untrained, competitive men are in a kick-boxing ring. Nobody is going to shit sugar after this. People are going to get hurt.

That's about the time that Ames gets a mild-concussion.
To make it worse, Sunshine boy is the one who punched him.

Ames continued to sit through the other matches and it was obvious he was really out of it. But, he kept telling everybody he was having a great time and he kept saying, "no, thank you." What a sweetie.

What happened to Lucas' shirt?
Lucas, where did your shirt go?

The date continues, but of course, the Dentist is super distracted because now Ames is in the hospital AND Bentley is still dot, dot, dot'ting...

She says "dark cloud" a lot.
You know what? Dark Clouds don't deserve the bad wrap she continues to give them.

She pays zero attention to Mickey Mouseketeer during their one-on-one time and then Ames rolls in. He can't move his head or neck and he's smiling profusely. But, he was there.
He also seemed a little over-dressed compared to the rest of the boyZ. We'll blame it on his "head not working."

Blake wants to have a friendly talk with a romantic undertone.
That just sounds creepy. Like he's trying to trick her or something.
But, I guess it worked: he got the rose.

And Lucas showed her how to swing a fake golf club.
Lucas, way not to be obvious.

"What's your type?" --Lucas
"I don't have a type." --Dentist
Um, yes, you do. See: tool (adj).

William and Ben C. meet up with the Dentist and some elephants for the two-on-one date.
I could cut the tension with a really dull plastic knife.

Is William getting his hair cut during the show?
Doesn't William looking exactly like the guy who played Prince William in the Lifetime movie, "William and Kate?"

William turns on the asshole in him after he chugs some white wine.

Then, he completely throws Ben under the bus, but prefaces the conversation with, "I'm not throwing him under a bus." Which is always the first clue to knowing that someone is throwing someone under a bus.

William says that Ben is really looking forward to getting home and getting on "the dating web sites." Like, web sites? Why wouldn't he just go to a bar and pick up some gUrls? You don't need a web site. So dumb. This gUrl is so dumb. And multiple web sites or just one? Why would you get on more than one?

The Dentist takes about 14 seconds and kicks Ben off the date.

"Very recently it has been brought to my attention that you have considered online dating." --Dentist
Well, she's getting personal, isn't she?

Ben is pissed. Like, pissed. And I think he had food in his teeth. Again.

What's really sad is that I think Ben really was on the show "for the right reasons." I'm not even sure that he was as mad about the Dentist giving him the boot as he was about the fact that he wasn't going to have a reality tv fairy tale wedding now.

William gives a speech. He wants to get back to where they were on their first date.
Ashley agrees, but then disagrees.
William gets the boot.

And while wearing a juniors section selection from Sears the DENTIST BURNS THE ROSE. Can you believe it? She burned the rose! She. burned. that. damn. rose.

William cries.


Her hair.

Sunshine reiterates his feelings for the millionth time. Officially, he's the only person on this show more desperate than her.

Constantine tells her he's not super into it and ready to give up his life.
Bold choice.

Her eye make-up makes her look like she could have a black eye.

She heads over to the room of head shots to chat with Chris. And it's there that she reveals that Bentley is still on her mind. Shocker. Chris says he's going to fix this situation and he's going to get Bentley to her. I think in his head he's just thinking, "You are a dumb, dumb gUrl. I get paid a lot of money to listen to you though. So...whatever."

"If it wasn't real, I'd be happy to move forward." --Dentist
Right. Clearly, that plan is working out for you real well.

The Dentist gets to the roses and gives a big speech about honesty. But, she's such a liar. Just standing there talking about honesty, thinking about Bentley.

Everyone gets a rose but personal trainer-highlighted hair boy.
He was upset.

"I can't believe it ended this way." --Personal Trainer Boy
Really? So, you've never seen this show? It always ends this way.

The Dentist announces that they are moving forward together and to Hong Kong.

What will the Dentist regret more while watching this episode?
The pink and black Sears number or her Bentley rant? Toss-up.

Friday, June 17, 2011


Tomorrow our President and our Speaker of the House will meet for a round of golf. I can't predict the future, but I'd guess that they'll head off to Chili's for some skillet queso after the 18th hole, too. I mean, why not?

During this meeting nothing is expected to happen. No one will prevail a winner for their party and a new budget will not be agreed upon. Unless this is a perfect world. Because then all of those things will happen and Planned Parenthood and Medicare will romp together underneath a rainbow of cash flow. Everyone will have health insurance, the health insurance of their choosing, I might add and kids in public schools across the country will become, good, nay great (!) at math because of better funding for education.

This golf game could be just what this country needs to fix unemployment and pull troops out of Afghanistan. Part of me is even starting to wonder if there was a secret game sometime between Obama and al Qaeda. It wasn't water-boarding that led us to Bin Laden! It was golf! Of course.

This golf game has really made me wonder: what if other political foes had golfed together in the heat of disagreement?

Had Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr simply gotten together at the driving range, rather than some obscure locale in New Jersey maybe this country wouldn't have lost one of its founding fathers to stupidity. If only...

And what about Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglass? Can you imagine them on the golf course rather than debating? Abe Lincoln golfing would have been a real hoot.

The Civil War probably could've been avoided if someone would've just challenged someone else to a few holes of golf, the winner deciding in favor of or against states' rights.

So many what many...

Game on.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

the bachelorette: pad thai and feelings.

Tonight, Chris Harrison has on normal clothes. That should have been our first sign that this episode was going to be the most boring thing since ever.

She's never been to anywhere in Asia, but she's been to DSW to buy inappropriate wedges for the beach.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how she or anyone else came up with that outfit. The shorts, the weird top with a hole in it...and the shoes...the shoes...

The Dentist tells the "Navigator" what she's up to in Phuket. And the lady isn't confused at all. She just told her to take a kayak into a lagoon and told her it'd be romantic. If a kayak is involved I can't think of anything less romantic. Unless it involves a shovel or a rake. Or going on a jog. Or a garage and cleaning it.

Constantine gets the one-on-one. Nick is REALLY bummed.
Constantine has on the same sandals I used to wear to soccer games in 5th grade.

Constie meets up with the Dentist at the sea. And in the most annoying voice ever the Dentist greets him with a "Heyyyyyyyyy Constantinnnnnnnnnnnnne!"

"Where are we? Like, really?" --Constantine
Effing Thailand, idiot.

So, Constie and the Dentist couldn't go on the boat because of big waves. What a bummer! Sad face times 12! The boat ride is out, but they find a market instead. And there, they find an old man to annoy. That poor old man was just sitting outside of his Thai business and then these two assholes came along and started asking him all of these really private questions.

The boyZ are DYING to go on a date with the Dentist.
I'm just dying.

"Cheers to not winning."
Yeah. You're telling me.


Like, come the hell on.

So, Constie and the Dentist sit down to dinner and she basically just fishes for affirmation the whole time. She's a fisher! A fisher! And. What the hell were they talking about? And where'd they get those blue drinks? And was that sweat?

"I'm glad you said something...I was thinking, 'are we more like a friend?'" --The Dentist
I know my answer to that question.

JP, Ben and Blake are discussing kisses. And JP learns it's the nature of the beast and that all boyZ love fruit.

The Dentist set up a groupsy date for the boyZ at an orphanage.

"They want to spend a precious moment giving back..." --JP
Wait. "Precious moment" is an actual phrase?

It was a cool thing for the group to do.
I will leave it right there.

Well, one thing: I like that Ryan asked the boyZ to at least do a "decent" job. Talk about passive aggressive.

Ok, one more thing: that "mural" on the wall looked like a blind baby Panda bear who likely can't see colors or make shapes painted it.


So, after a "good" and "hard" day of work the Dentist is ready to relax and reconnect and hit up the club in a short crocheted number with a neon purple bikini underneath. Typical. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo typical.

She sits down with Ben F. and then they very much act like 9th graders and get really awkward and admit that they "are starting to like each other." So, they make out. See how that 9th grade comparison comes in?

The Dentist and Sunshine Ryan have a talkie-talk and we learn that first and foremost, the Dentist is looking for feelings. I have to be really honest: No idea what the shit that actually means.

The Dentist and JP take off to the beach. Because...where the hell else would you go in a torrential downpour?

"What did you think about the kids?" --The Dentist
What the dumb.
What is he going to say? Well, Ashley, I hate children. Especially orphans. PA-LEASE, gUrl.

She starts fishing again and just baits him and baits him and baits him into telling her how perfect their last date was and then they make out hardcore on the beach. So hardcore the semi-porn music of previous Bachelor seasons comes on. Eventually the umbrella they had over them falls to the ground. Kind of like JP when he tried to pick her up and carry her. Oopsies!

Ryan says things are going to get "interesting, no doubt" but, he's a liar. This episode is so boring that even Kesha (no, I will not use the '$') would rather read Newt Gingrich's family-values policy than this.

Things almost got interesting when Sunshine stole away the Dentist before she gave away her group-date rose. The rose went to Ben F. and you could read JP's face like a book: he is a used man.

The Dentist takes Ames on a boat ride.
I like Ames and find it interesting that he likes shirts and shorts with so many pockets. Like, does he like the look or does he actually utilize all the pockets?

"I came to climb the mountains." --Ames
"I found the cooking school on the internetS." --Ames
Just the mountains? Bold.
And. Yes, of course. Where else would you find a cooking school?

Their boat ride just reminded me of "The Goonies." Clearly, I'm a romantic at heart, too.

"Phuket is the perfect place to fall in love." --Ames
Really? The perfect place? I mean, I guess...but, I can think of other places closer to home that would work as well. I, personally, think it'd be easier to go to Phuket after you're already in love.

Yes, I heard his dumbass line about navigating caves and navigating relationships.

Now I'm confused. She told Ames her number 1 thing she's looking for is "someone who is devoted." So, is that what she meant by she's "looking for feelings"? I don't see that adding up.


They go to dinner. It was kind of sweet. Kind of awkward. He got the rose. And convinced me that he's the most well-spoken (as in, has a great vocabulary and use of the English language) man to ever come on this show.


I was bored.

Blake told Sunshine Ryan he's annoying.
And then the Dentist kind of touched on the same subject and you could tell the sunshine was fading and the clouds were rolling in. I bet this guy throws a lamp before it's all over with.

Chrissy Poo Harrison sits down the Dentist

The door is closed, you moron! The potential didn't exist.

She eventually asks Chrissy for an extra rose and we learn that this show has "no rules." Really? Didn't that one gUrl get kicked off for getting to "know" a crew member a couple of seasons ago?

Bumski! All but one dude gets a rose.
West gets dumped and barely says goodbye on his way out.

Things that would have been more interesting than watching this episode: watching an elephant walk around in a circle, reading a book on Thailand, googling shirts with lots of pockets, learning to cook Thai food, watching a ball bounce. I could name more.

I wonder if the Dentist is as desperate as she seems or if it's those ABC Producers trying to trick us! And all this Bentley nonsense? Is it real? Like. I've spent more time with random people in grocery stores than she's spent with him and she's like, in deep over this dude.

Oh, Phuket.
Who cares.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the bachelorette: good hair and the river of tears.

First up, Chris Harrison lets everyone know that this season, he's taking it down a notch. When meeting with the dudes to inform them of the first one-on-one date he's dressed in an ugly, but casual sweater.

Ashley comes to pick up Ben and he has no idea that she's been working with Flash Mob America. Zing! Is it just me or does her car look giant when they do that shot of her driving inside the car? Like. Seriously.

Ben takes one for the team and starts doing the dance for the Dentist. He's not terrible and he's even better when the mob comes in and the music starts. And you know what the Dentist says about good dancers...they have big feet.

Question mark.
Question mark.

Where do they find people to participate in these flash mobs? If you know: please give them my name and number.

I think the Dentist would straddle ANYTHING. A baby, a dinosaur. A picture of a baby on a dinosaur. ANYTHING.

The Dentist tells Ben she has "one more surprise" and all Ben says is, "what is that?" when looking at the Far East Movement. But, then he really got into it. You can tell this guy has been to more than one concert with a lady friend. He had the dance-behind-her-and-grind-while-protecting-from-the-crowd move down pat.

Ben really lets his hair down with the Dentist. He lets her in on his plan to live in a bubble with his lover. And. Of course, she eats that shit up.

I think he had something in his teeth the whole dinner. At least that's what he was acting like.

Before the group date the Masked Marauder pulls the Dentist aside and reveals his face. No scars, no missing features...just a normal looking dude with a slightly over-sized nose. That's it. It was such a colossal let down. Props to her for keeping a straight face though.

Now, on to the roast! Oh, what I would have given to have been on this date! William wastes no time letting us in on his plan to become a stand-up comedian, using this as his big break.

The Masked Marauder lets us know that behind the mask, besides a completely normal looking face, is also some "gutsy humor."

"Oh, I'm going to be real." --William
Oh, ABC and their foreshadowing!

"I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING about this date." --Dentist

Poor Ryan. He tried really hard. Crickets. Maybe it was his velour jacket.

Blake's roast of the panel was obviously the best. But, he does look like he's in a boy band.

MM really opened up the door to roast the Dentist. Or opened up the door to talk about her breasts.

"Congrats on being the third runner-up last season." --Ben F.
My favorite.

What if you were one of the people who paid to come to this roast? Like, you just heard there was a roast and bought some tickets and then got that? Maybe it was free?

Oh, poor, poor William...first off, you can't laugh at your own jokes. I like that one guy yelled out, "too soon!"

"This was a roast, it wasn't compliment Ashley night." --William
I don't think it was actually a roast.
Courtney Love is at almost every roast Comedy Central has. I did not see Courtney Love there. Therefore, NOT a roast.

The Dentist goes off to the corner and cries and cries and cries and we finally get to Bentley.

"I just feel like I let y'all down because it's me here and not Emily." --Dentist
Well, kind of.

"Your body, your face is beautiful. You're the best dance in the world. You've got everything." --Bentley
Good logic.

At this point, Chris Harrison should've stepped in and talked some sense into her. What the hell is that guy doing all episode?

The Dentist addressed the dudes and Ryan said it made a sad situation devastating. Clearly, he knows about devastation.

William wants to make people laugh every single day.
And he wants to sell cellular phones every single day.

Young William starts crying and decides to leave. He said "honestly" 14 times. So, he was really leaving. And he did walk off and walk up and down Melrose, up and down. He sat on a bench next to a cell phone store. What great placement of that bench, ABC! And then. Then, he started running!

"I have a dog." --MM
Dude. Come on.

Ryan and his velour jacket step in to comfort the Dentist. He convinces her that he loves her and in her vulnerability gets a kiss. He's not an idiot.

I think she should've just drank some more of that white wine and called it a night.

Bentley pulls her aside and it's almost creepy how "caring" he is. He must've made all kinds of bets with his boyZ at home on what he would and wouldn't say to this gUrl.

The Dentist tells Bentley about the text messages from CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle). I have yet to figure out what his "business" is, so her texts aren't proving to be true. Unless his business has anything to do with douche bags or feminine hygiene. If that's the case, the subliminal messages are INSANELY good.

"Can you trust in this?" --Dentist
Trust in what? This terrible show format? Her dental training? TRUST. IN. WHAT.

Ryan, or Mr. Sunshine, got the rose on the date. After all, the only thing stronger than love and the sun is this show's ability to draw suckers in to thinking they've found a love stronger than the sun.

Bentley informs us of his diabolical plan to make the Dentist cry, while keeping his hair in tact.
The Dentist spends the morning walking back and forth by her pool.

I'm not sure what to say about this guy. Clearly, it's all fake. Like, Spencer Pratt fake. Like, obviously fake.

"These tools. These freakin' idiots." --Bentley

He keeps saying the Dentist is not attractive at all, but he's always talking about her ass, too. So, I'm confused. If you like someone's ass, don't you find at least their ass attractive? I'm just trying to do the math here.

Bentley exits the Kia mini-van.
The Dentist opens the door and is shocked to find Bentley there. In her heart, she knows. She knows.

"Are you going to watch tv?" --Bentley
"I don't even know if that is a tv." --Dentist
Wait. She doesn't know what a tv looks like?

So, Bentley wastes little time in getting to the nitty-gritty and at one point invites the Dentist to his lap, like you would a dog, by clapping his hands against his knees. So attractive.

So, this guy is a jerk. Duh.
And it's fine with me that he came on this show to just "play the game."
But, I do draw the line when he starts lying about his child.
He's divorced for a reason and clearly, it's because he's incredibly selfish and manipulative.
I hope the state of Utah sees this and jacks up his child support by 300%.
Does he even have a daughter? Google it.

"I wish the end was like, tomorrow." --Bentley
Oh, me too! Me too.

"Oh, shootS." --Dentist
Does she know she kept putting an "S" on the end of that word?

Again with the straddling? Really? Have you no self-control? No self-respect?

"The difference is, I'm not effing interested in her." --Bentley
I respect that.

"Dot dot dot..." --Dentist
"Dot dot dot is better than just a period." --Bentley
I can't...

Bentley finally pulls away in the Kia mini-van and leaves the Dentist to cry herself to sleep during, what is likely, mid-morning.


*More on Bentley later.

JP shows up in an interesting choice of attire.
The Dentist made no effort to look even remotely interested in him being there.

"I don't know how emotional she's going to be." --JP
Let me answer that one: overly emotional.

Is she eating an orange out of a styrofoam take out box?

She really loves over-sized button-down shirts that don't have buttons all the way to the collar. Like, that's all she wore this whole episode. And this is coming from a person who wears basically the same thing everyday. But, I don't have a stylist or someone paying for my wardrobe.

The Dentist decides to put on her sweatpants and glasses.
The glasses are just a poor choice.

JP is lounging around waiting on her as if he's naked on a bearskin rug. Awkward.

JP gets a rose and they make out.
The Dentist gets one last dig in at Bentley by claiming that JP is a better kisser. Touche, Dentist! Touche!

FINALLY. Chris Harrison steps in to talk some sense into this bitch. He says everything he should. Like: If he wanted to be there, he'd be there. Was it the idea of him? You were warned. Was this just because it was forbidden love? Other dudes have given up a lot of their life to be here, he didn't do that. NO REGRETS! You might have to get kicked in the gut.

I want to kick her in the gut.
I bet Chris kind of does, too.
Right? I'm right.

The men learn that there will be no cocktail party.
MM is upset because he realized he only told the Dentist about his dog and never even got to tell her about his new kitten. He was clearly saving his kitten stories for the cocktail party.

"I just don't have the energy." --Dentist
Oh, me neither!


Obviously his jog down Melrose got his foot back in the door. But, a part of me wonders-- if there had been a cocktail party and MM could have shared more about his dog AND revealed that he also had a kitten would things be different? Would the Dentist choose him over William? I guess we'll always be left to wonder...always left with the "dot dot dot."

You know those other dudes are just like, "WTF?" about Young William getting a rose after all that horse shit he said. Being someone who says a lot of horse shit to a lot of people, I'm glad he got a second chance.

MM throws his mask in the fire.
Which, in my opinion, truly (FINALLY) made this the most. dramatic. episode. ever.

*The more on Bentley.
Props to him. It's obvious someone dared him to go on this show and be worse than Wes. He succeeded. He is not a real person. I mean, he's obviously a real person, but this person on this show cannot be real. I refuse to believe that people actually exist for the sole reason of tormenting another human being.

Word on the street is that he went to BYU and is a Mormon. So, I ask BYU: is this dude worse than the basketball player who admitted to partaking in pre-marital sex? There was a lot of straddling and ass-grabbing going. Just curious.

Can a person who has purposely messy hair have a good or bad hair day?

Friday, June 3, 2011

russellville middle school: i see you.

That's me as seen in my 6th grade yearbook. Ignore the hair and vest for a moment and consider a question, "Would you find this person to be credible?" Absolutely not. There's no way in hell any normal person in the world would ever think that a 12 or 13-year-old has any credibility whatsoever when it comes to deciding anything of any substance.

That kid up there in the photo, at 12, had a bowl cut and really enjoyed reading R.L. Stine books. This is a person who clearly knows very little about life.

So, why the fuss about a middle school yearbook naming George W. Bush and Dick Cheney as two of the five "worst people of all time?"

This story is getting tons and tons of national press. It's been called "a tasteless attack," and a "low point." You know what I call it? A FREAKIN' MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

Sure, someone clearly missed something while editing it, but are there really people out there who believe that "Desperate Obama supporters are apparently attempting to influence middle school students who probably will not even be voting for the first time in 2012." Heaven help us if this is true.**

Now hear this, I wouldn't put W. or Cheney on my top 1,000 list of all-time worst people. Most people wouldn't. I'm really anxious to see if Bush's people release a statement on this.

All that to say, God Bless America-- the place where even middle school students have the right to accidentally (or not) call W. one of the worst people of all time and then have it covered up with removable tape!

This is America.
Bless it.

And. Oh yeah, GO GALES.

Story links:

**Side note: And then, then there's this from the Lubbock Avalanche Journal. The stupidity in this is almost too much to quote. Clearly, my favorite line is this one, "It is of interest to determine whether this is a problem with the yearbook of only one school or whether the same message appeared in many school yearbooks nationwide."

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