Thursday, July 29, 2010

thank you, ramona quimby.

My parents are very much responsible for the person I am today. At times though, I think they cringe a little bit when I tell them that, because generally they don't understand most things I do or say. Truth be told there's another power-player in my life whom I emulated in every way possible for the better part of my childhood. Meet Ramona Quimby, my twin in literary form.

There are definite parts of me that are a direct result of my father (road trip nazi, on-time everywhere, rational). There are other parts of me that are no doubt my mother (creativity, inability to do math, outgoing). And then...then, there are the parts of me that even I scratch my head on. For years now I've been trying to figure out where all of the random idiosyncrasies came from and finally with the recent release of the movie "Ramona and Beezus" I realized who is responsible: Beverly Clearly and her character, Ramona.

Ramona is a complex, misunderstood kid who has an imagination like no other. To her, all of her actions make sense. Everything is logical. Everything is common sense. I'm 26 years old and very much an adult, but am still constantly leaving other adults, mainly the people I work with, scratching their heads in wonder. She makes up her own words, her own noises. She loves costumes. Her teachers often told her she was a good student, but she talked too much. She had a doll named "Chevrolet" and didn't understand why people laughed when they heard the name. Kind of reminds me of what happens when I tell people I have a dog named "Susan." Ramona is independent and brave and so many other things I wish to be.

All of that to say, I'd like to apologize to the Reg and LJ for always yelling, "you made me this way!" when they questioned things I was doing. I, clearly, should have been yelling, "well, you bought me all the Ramona books!"

"Ye-e-ep!" sang Ramona...
"What's all this yeeping about?" asked Mrs. Quimby.
"I'm making a joyful noise until the Lord like they say in Sunday school," Ramona explained, "only they don't tell us what the joyful noise sounds like so I made up my own."
Hooray and wow, joyful noises to Ramona, had not sounded right so she had settled on yeep because it sounded happy but not rowdy.
"Isn't that all right?" she asked.

May we never stop yeeping.

Monday, July 26, 2010

the elsie: and the winner is...

If you don't follow this web log much, you probably have no idea what The Elsie is and you may not even care. But, if you do follow and you do care, the time has finally come...the announcement of inaugural Elsie award winners.

Please remember: The Elsie was created to award those people in my life who are making it better. The people who are constantly striving to entertain me, inform me and shock me. The people who make me laugh, cry and shriek in terror.
And: All Elsie awards being awarded are from the time period April 2010-July 2010. All Elsie awards were voted on by me and are completely and totally subjective. Some categories have a runner-up. Some don't.
Note: I've done my best to compile screen shots and examples of the actual winning posts/texts/tweets, etc;

Best Unprovoked Facebook Wall Post:

Mallory took this one home for several reasons, but mostly because I think it’s the funniest thing she’s ever said to me. I’ve known Mallory longer than I’ve known anybody else in my life and typically she’s not my witty friend. However, on this particular day she pulled out all the stops and dug deep into her Facebook wall-posting skills and referenced a quote from an episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras,” which ultimately led her to the prize.

Saint and I have always shared a deep relationship over Facebook, so when I got her wall post out of nowhere one day about a Michael W. Smith AND Lynrd Skynrd concert on the same day I peed everywhere.

Best Response to a Facebook Wall Post:

bMayes was a run-away winner in this category. I mean, I called her an idiot and look what she retorted back with. She was not only snarky and witty, but she also put me in my place and reminded me that I should be more like Jesus even when posting on someone else’s Facebook wall. Touche, B. Touche.

Best Use of a Facebook Status to Express Emotion:

One thing I love about my dear friend, Lauren, is that she tells me how it is all the time. She isn’t afraid to express herself. On this particular day Lauren ignored what might be considered “normal” and told the world about her sadness due to the break-up of Heidi and Spencer. I admire her for that.

Best Use of a Facebook Status to Create Intrigue:

If you haven’t had the extreme pleasure of meeting Priscilla Jane-Angie, you’re really missing out. That’s all I can say about that.

Best Use of a Facebook Profile Picture:

This was another category that had a run-away winner. Cari is funny, funny, funny and I’m certain no profile picture(s) has ever made me laugh harder.

Best Use of Facebook to Promote an Animal:

This category was the tightest race of all the categories, but because Jessica Dean was stepping way beyond the bounds of what is normal for her, she took it home. This dog has transformed my friend’s world and she has, with reckless abandon, made it her job to let the world know how much she loves her dog, Finn Alice.

Best Use of Facebook (Period):

Mary Virginia Bain Grandle is awesome at everything she does. Facebook included.

Best @lncow Mention via Twitter:

This one was tough, but ultimately the complexity of this tweet led Sarah Barnes to the winners’ circle. I like that she acknowledges that Jesus is completely responsible for our friendship and that she is doing her damndest not to ignore that or be upset by it. Which, to me, is admirable. So often we ignore the Lord’s will for us—especially when it comes to loving others. Barnes does not ignore the Lord when it comes to loving me or others.

Best Use of Twitter to Promote One's Self:

Seeing as how D.O. and Dean both have jobs that put them in a place to promote themselves regularly (I’m speaking of D.O.’s photography, not his church planting), it’s kind of surprising that bMayes walked away the winner here. However, go read her most recent tweets and you’ll find that she plugs herself and her “awesomeness” much more than anything or anyone else.

Best Use of Twitter and Citing Quotes:

@ElizabethGarton’s use of Twitter to quote people around here is both embarrassing and hilarious, not to mention: HUMBLING.

Best Picture Sent Via Text Message:

Another extremely tight race, Morgan Stallings took this one home because she actually received this photo from a stranger and then passed it on. So, you could say the stranger wins, but really, we all win because we get to see this.

Best Response to a Mass Text:

The original text, sent to five people about excitement over a soon-to-be released book by one of my favorite authors: Sloane Crosley has a new book coming out June 15!!!!! I’m pre-ordering it! Carla’s response, sent months later, after I had begun to read the book resulted in the best exchange ever over text message.

My brother’s response to a text sent to about six others which read nothing but, “AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” was completely appropriate and hilarious.

Best Unprovoked Text Message:

This was a no-contest. You can see why.

A hearty congratulations to all the winners and a big, "too damn bad" all those nominated and not chosen.

Monday, July 19, 2010

update on the elsies.

Votes ARE being counted. And the results are dangerously close to being revealed.
Please be patient while the committee travels to Seattle this week.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

the hills: over and done. (part 2).

Alright, because I've devoted four years of my life to this piece of shit show, it's only fair that it gets a proper goodbye. This is part 2 of that goodbye.

Note: The following paragraphs were typed as I watched the final two minutes of the last epi ever.

How many versions of this song are there? WHY AM I CRYING?

Ok, I'm kidding. I'm not crying. But, this is very much like a middle school graduation. Like, I'm so ready for this to be over, but am I really ready for all that lies ahead?


They just removed the backdrop from the goodbye scene. All of this, all of these episodes and accusations of it being completely scripted and fake and this is how they confirm it? Oh, you son of a bitch producers, you have duped me for the last time!

And just like that it was over. Was it all fake? I don't know. I've been saying for years that this show is fake, but, to learn that I may have actually been right? Well, I just can't handle that.

I mean, props to the producers for finally owning up to it, but thanks for ripping my heart out at the same time as "Umbrella" played in the background and I thought back to how six years ago my phone rang and on the other end of the line my friend said, "Have you seen that show with the gUrl named LC?" And nothing has been the same since.

I've been duped. The worst part is that I knew I was being duped, but still fell for it and then had my heart ripped out at the end.

Touche, Hills Producers, touche.

The joke is on me.

the hills: over and done. (part 1).

The final epi EVER, of all-time, starts off with a piece of shit montage of drama. Basically it was all, "we weren't friends. We're immature. Blah, blah, blah. SCREAMING AT YOU. Blah. That guy is a crazy ass! BESTIES! Love is neat!"


It's like, StephiePratt knows what's up. She has reached her good place and she wants everyone else there, too. AuddiePat tells her she has never reached her good place and suddenly, they are talking at once about a mid-20s life crisis. Auds calls it a crisis and you can hear StephiePratt say, "Wait! Don't call it a crisis!" gUrl, you have little to nothing going for you, especially with this show coming to and end. It's definitely a crisis.

**Side-note: I like that they didn't even try to fake us out by putting them in a restaurant. I mean, if this is it, let's put the bullshit aside. Am I right? I'm right.

"It's the time in all of our lives where we make the decision about who we want to be." --Lo-Lo
Um...No. That should've already happened. It's not like regular people just get to skip through years of their lives getting hopped up on coke while it's filmed and THEN decide who they are and what they want. No, that's always happening.

K-Cav needs a change, she says. She's going to load up that BMW and let Natasha Bedingfield take her on home. And out of our lives, for what will likely not be long enough.


Now, it's on to the golf course. What do these idiots do to make their parents think they are productive people?

Are these guys really friends? Do they ever talk about anything but gUrls? I realize that, maybe, boys don't really talk about deep and meaningful things, but...I of their besties went crazy train on them and they don't even care?

The scene ends with a cliff-hanger. Well, are Bromance Brody and K-Cav still friends? I mean, why wouldn't they be?


StephiePratt and Lo-Lo are perusing the shopping scene in Hollywood. Lo-Lo wants StephiePratt to be official with Tony Hawk Wannabe (THW). Stephie reveals that THW invited her to watch him MotoCross,'s two hours away! Lo-Lo tells her to put herself out there.

The living in sin conversation comes up again and of course, StephiePratt, the real-life moron, takes no thought in anything she says and tells Lo-Lo to get on it. Then, Lo-Lo tells us she's going to break her rule.

Some rule that was. Yes, Lo-Lo, rules were made to be broken, but not the ones that prevent us from breaking leases and losing money and all of that shit.


Stacey, the Bartender turned BFF, and K-Cav are drinking wine and discussing Bromance Brody.

"Kristen, you knew this friends with benefits thing was not going to work." --STB
Wait, what was that? A valid statement out of someone's mouth?

K-Cav is just "kind of bummed" about everyone's life changing in a great way...because why would we be excited that our friends are doing well while we're mourning the loss of our no-strings attached relationship?

"It's time for me to go." --K-Cav
She said it.

"If I'm really going to move...I need to be completely uncomfortable and I need to be scared again and the only place I could really think about would be somewhere in Europe...I mean, I've never been." --K-Cav

"Do you know anyone out there?" --STB
Out there? Out there? We aren't talking about the frontier, here. And she's never been to Europe, but she's going to move there? And this is all because the King of the Bromance cut off sex.

This girl has some serious issues. She says she doesn't want to sit around and still be waiting for "that guy" in 10 years and immediately says, "Brody found his girl," then tells us she is NOT moving because of him. What a contradiction.

**Side-note: If this is going to be the introduction of the The Hills: Europe, I will seriously considering canceling my cable.


StephiePratt makes her way to the dirt track to watch THW do his thang on his bike.

"You just like, ride a dirt bike, but then you're just like Care Bear." --StephiePratt
Way to put yourself out there, StephiePratt. That's a sure-fire way to get a guy to like you.

And then, suddenly, they are having a DTR. They don't want to see other people! They like each other!


K-Cav surprises Bromance Brody at the pool with her news that she's moving to Europe for a little bit.

So, she's not doing it because of him, but she makes a special effort to surprise him at his pool. Why the hell is Bromance just swimming along in his pool all alone in the middle of the day?

"I'm not bitter...I wanted you to hear it from me and not someone else and I'm also having a little going away party." --K-Cav

"I'm not celebrating you leaving." --Bromance
Really? I am! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!


StephiePratt and Auds go and check out AuddieP's new digs on the beach. A random dude rides by on a bike and yells, "Tower 24!" Then Audrina says, "He's a lifeguard?!" And of course, StephiePratt says, "That's our new hang out!" Praise God the show is ending. I could not stand to watch these idiots hang out at a lifeguard tower all day. The only thing worse would be watching them hang out at a life guard tower in Europe.

StephiePratt reveals that she is now a girlfriend.

"Steph! You have been wanting a boyfriend for so long!" --Auds
Bah! It's not like she went and bought a new don't just go out and get a boyfriend.

Then, Auddie decides she isn't going to K-Cav's going away party because she's trying to get out of the club scene. That's admirable and all, but when one of your fake besties is moving to Europe and invites you to a going away party, you get away from the club scene a day later. And you don't make it about you. She says she isn't going because she doesn't want to see Justin Bobby. Remind me to never move to Europe and expect my friends to come tell me bye.


K-Cav's going away party looks much like all the other "parties" they have, minus that one girl randomly dancing in a floral one-piece by the pool.

Stacie the Bartender and K-Cav finally show up and everyone exudes fake emotion over a fake move to Europe. It's really cute. But, why don't they quit trying to fake me out? I mean, I know the show's ending and K-Cav isn't actually moving.

"If Brody doesn't show up it's all the more reason to show that I'm making the right decision and leaving." --K-Cav
BUT. This is NOT about Brody. Not. About. Brody.

Of course, because he's contractually obligated, Brody shows up. Lo-Lo tells K-Cav not to talk to her and StephiePratt tells her, "CLOSURE!" So, she does it.

When they show the close-up of K-Cav during her convo with Bromance Brody she looks pretty strung out. Like, really strung out. Her make-up looks days old and I bet her legs are tiny, meaning, K-Cav is definitely doing cocaine.

"A lot of people may miss you." --Brody
Notice he said, may miss you. So, that means a lot of people may not miss her.


We head over to Scott's house, which is on the beach. Which, for a non-cast member of this show means he must have an actual job to afford those digs. Or something.

Scotty and Lo-Lo have a fairly serious convo about marriage and being together forever and it's cute and seems to be real. I think it's real because he says he wants to be with her forever and wants to marry her, you know if she does, and she says, "I wouldn't have shown up and made you carry all of these boxes if I didn't." Very valid point, Lo-Lo.

"You are perfect." --Scott
What?! All these years and I had no idea Jesus Christ was on The Hills!


Is K-Cav really going to wear that to move to Europe? No way in hell. I mean, she has on ripped-up white jorts and heels.

Stacie the Bartender sends her off.

"Bye. Have a safe trip." --STB
Dude, it's not a trip. She's moving. You should've said, "Have a safe life. Skype me!"

THEN. In a twist Brody shows up and tells her, basically, that he's sorry for using her for sex and fun and that he never would've gone and started dating someone else if he knew she would just leave town. But, remember: she is not moving because of Brody. Why don't these people ever say what they mean? I totally get that it's a show, but they are humans with actual emotions and expressing them could still be good television.

K-Cav starts crying and Bromance puts her in the car as we're serenaded with an acoustic version of "Umbrella."

And just like's over...


As you can imagine that last scene really opened up a lot of doors for me. Other than needing a drink before 9 a.m. because of it, I'm also convinced that I will be needing to see a therapist, too and she'll make me talk about drinking alone in the morning and how that's not good and it's going to be a train wreck. And all because of those stupid producers.


Part 2 of the hills: over and done will be post later today.

Monday, July 12, 2010

the hills: saying goodbye.

Me? I'm big on goodbyes.

I cannot handle people who do not dole out proper goodbyes upon their departure from a particular point. The proper goodbye varies upon the situation, but usually, I just need a "Bye. Love you. See you later." Other times, I need more. This week, I need more.

My favorite train wreck, The Hills, is airing its final epi tomorrow evening. We first met some of these idiots in 2004 as cast members on Laguna Beach. In 2006, we packed our bags, determined that our future was still, very much, Unwritten, and made our way to Hollywood where LC was living, loving and learning.

Heavy on the living, lighter on the loving and very little of the learning. Very little.

Through the trials and tribulations of these, could be considered mentally incapacitated, young adults we learned everything they didn't: how not to act in public, how not to treat a best friend, how not to treat family, how not to pack a car (really? moving to LA and you got one giant pink suit case in the back of your convertible?) ... Basically, we learned to, in real life, do everything the exact opposite way these morons do things.

In an effort to get a proper goodbye, let's recap the most valuable lessons learned from The Hills.

The Sitch: Best Friend is Dating a Sociopath
What Happened: Sociopath took over mind of best friend. Best friend also turned into a sociopath. Two sociopaths got married in a lovely church wedding.
What We Learned: Let sociopaths be. Unless you want them to spread rumors about you and your druggie boif making a sex tape.

The Sitch: Not 100% of Your Name
What Happened: Justin walked into the hearts of the cast as Justin and almost immediately said he also goes by "Bobby," which is very different from Justin. From that point on he was stuck with not one, but two terrible names and was forever known as: Justin Bobby.
What We Learned: If you're unsure of your name consult your parents or legal guardian. Unless you prefer to look like an idiot when introducing yourself to peers.

The Sitch: Don't Like Your Face
What Happened: Heidi didn't feel pretty, so she got 10 plastic surgeries.
What We Learned: Sociopaths can't be reasoned with.

The Sitch: Stressed
What Happened: Spencer was feeling overwhelmed. The Gospel was no longer working for him or his life, so he turned to healing crystals.
What We Learned: Stick with the Gospel. Especially when dealing with sociopaths.

What other knowledge can we walk away with from this show?

Well, you can be famous for absolutely nothing. It is possible to brainwash someone who only has half a brain. You can fall down a set of stairs on live television and still get your own reality television show. You can come into a group of people's lives as a home-wrecking bartender and stick around as hottie BFF. You don't have to be relevant to stay relevant. The sure-fire sign of someone doing cocaine is skinny legs. You can afford to rent a house in Malibu, on the beach simply by being a bitch and letting people film you. You can be a complete bore and still get a movie deal where you're killed off in the first four minutes of the movie.

And of course, we learned that disasters are more fun to watch than not.

With that, I leave you with the greatest moment to ever happen on The Hills...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

the elsie.

If you are a sensible person with even a hint of a sense of humor you've probably seen "30 Rock," the greatest television show of my time. If you watch this show regularly you know that Tracy Jordan's newest goal in life is to go after EGOT, which is winning an Emmy, Golden Globe, Oscar and a Tony. That, along with the announcement of Emmy nominations this morning has led me to the creation of the Elsie.

The Elsie was created to award those people in my life who are making it better. The people who are constantly striving to entertain me, inform me and shock me. The people who make me laugh, cry and shriek in terror.

Aside: The Elsie could be something awarded on a monthly or semi-monthly basis. All Elsie awards being awarded are from the time period April 2010-July 2010. All Elsie awards were voted on by me and are completely and totally subjective.

**The inaugural Elsie awards will be given out at a later date.**

And...the nominees are...

Best Unprovoked Facebook Wall Post:
Mallory Hardin, Little Rock
Evan Cowling, Harrison, Arkansas
Lauren Saint, Dallas
Lauren Pardue, Dallas
Lauren O. Baber, Fayetteville, Arkansas

Best Response to a Facebook Wall Post:
Ashley K. Goss, Fayetteville
Brittany Mayes, Dallas
Jody Walker, Dallas

Best Use of a Facebook Status to Express Emotion:
Lauren Pardue, Dallas
Lacey P. Dodd, San Diego
Elizabeth Garton, Dallas
Best Use of a Facebook Status to Create Intrigue:
Laura Brittain, Dallas
Andrew Bruder, Dallas
Katharine Wright, Houston
Priscilla Jane-Angie, Dallas

Best Use of a Facebook Profile Picture:
Cari Cassell, Dallas
Chris Fabian, Dallas
Claire Beaumont, Little Rock

Best Use of Facebook to Promote an Animal:
Julie Robinson, Dallas
Jessica Dean, Little Rock
Mallory Hardin, Little Rock

Best Use of Facebook (Period):
MV Grandle, Dallas
Priscilla Jane-Angie, Dallas

Best @lncow Mention via Twitter:
Morgan Stallings, Dallas
Elizabeth Garton, Dallas
Laura Brittain, Dallas
Sarah Barnes, Austin

Best Use of Twitter to Promote One's Self:
Brittany Mayes, Dallas
Jessica Dean, Little Rock
Derrick Oliver, Not in Texas
Best Use of Twitter and Citing Quotes:
Morgan Stallings, Dallas
Elizabeth Garton, Dallas
Sarah Barnes, Austin
Ashley Festa, Dallas
Laura Brittain, Dallas

Best Picture Sent Via Text Message:
Morgan Stallings, Dallas
Ashley K. Goss, Fayetteville
Evan Cowling, Harrison, Arkansas
Patrick Dodd, San Diego
Chris Fabian, Dallas

Best Response to a Mass Text:
Carla Sawatski, Fayetteville
The Reg, Russellville, Arkansas
Evan Cowling, Harrison, Arkansas
Risa H. Meyer, College Station, Texas

Best Unprovoked Text Messages:
Jacqueline Peregrin, Tampa
Ryan Buchman, Little Rock
Elizabeth Garton, Dallas
Lauren Thompson, Nashville, Tennessee

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

the hills: so stupid.

We meet up with Lo-Lo, Holly and StephiePratt at a restaurant. These people meeting up at restaurants is all for show. I bet they haven't actually eaten in years. They just drink and get a few nutrients off of limes and lemons. Holly lets the gUrlies know that her mom is coming into town.

"A mom never gives up on her kids." --Lo-Lo
Apparently Darlene hasn't met Spencer.

Then, they dish on Bromance Brody and K-Cav.


We head into the gay-rage with the boyZ and of course, they do nothing but talk about K-Cav.

"I ain't gon' go cry about it." --Brody

In a bout of awesomeness they "take some bikes out."


Holly heads to the airport to pick up Darlene and within nine seconds Darlene calls her generous and thoughtful, an obvious stab to her other daughter.

"I sat down with the gUrls and decided to write her off completely." --Holly
Way to ease into that news, Hols.

Holly says she's tried everything and Darlene is convinced she'll come around. Is this some foreshadowing into the future of now? Aren't we currently living in a world where Speidi is no longer one?


Over at the Colony, not be confused with the early band of misfit states that made up our great nation, K-Cav and the Bartender are talking about...drumroll...BRODY. I swear she says, "I haven't talked to Brody, since like, rehab..." But, turns out, she said "Costa Rica."

Bromance has some new asshole at the clubZ with him and StephiePratt likes him right away.

Bromance texts the whole time and K-Cav whines that she's ignoring him. What did I miss? WHAT DID I MISS? They aren't dating. She said she was fine with that.

And what? The creeper Tony Hawk Wannabe walks StephiePratt out to the car and he puts his hair in a ponytail as a super sad Alicia Keys song plays in the background. Brody drives off and K-Cav gets into a cab. A cab?! She's definitely become a second-class citizen in this Colony.


The Bartender and K-Cav meet up the next morning and hold some coffee and discuss K-Cav and Brody's impending conversation of retardedness.


StephiePratt and Tony Hawk Wannabe go out on a date and it looks like they are going to two very different places. THW is headed to the hills to go skiiing and StephiePratt is headed to either, turn a few tricks or dance on a pole. Then, she orders a PEPSI. A PEPSI. But, then he orders a Sprite. That's not even possible. You can't order a Pepsi product and a Coke product at the same place. This isn't 7-11.

Then, they talk about really stupid, boring lame shit.

"I have real good parents." --StephiePratt
Is that a real sentence?

"I did hear that you had a DUI...glad to see you ordered a coke." --THW
No, THW, she ordered a PEPSI. A PEPSI!


Lo-Lo and Scott celebrate their one-year anniversary, but no one even knew she was dating him. It was kind of sweet, but seriously, where did he come from?

He asks her to move in together. Oh, shacking up and living in sin, PRECIOUS. She holds her ground and doesn't say yes. She doesn't say no either.


K-Cav and Brody are at K-Cav's house drinking wine. King of the Bromance flirts and bats his eyes.

"I put myself out there the last few months." --K-Cav
Is that her way of saying, "we had sex and now it's weird?"

K-Cav wants to try and wants a boyfriend. Bromance calls her out on her games, but then she gets kind of sweet and real and says she enjoys his company. But, wait, BOMBSHELL: Bromance has another gUrlie. He was terribly sweet about it and broke the news gently and the fact that she hasn't been on the camera is a sure-fire sign that it could be a real relationship. K-Cav, in all her wonderfulness, says, "good luck with this someone else." So sincere.


There's lil' Lo-Lo and StephiePratt doing some yoga and dishing on THW. Lo-Lo drops the bomb about shacking up with Scott and tells us about her rule concerning not moving in with guys before engagement. Yet another move that proves she's the most sensible person on this show. And then, StephiePratt proves she's an idiot again and simply says, "Yeah, but no one else is like Scott." StephiePratt should not be allowed to give advice. Ever.


We head to "lunch" with Darlene and Hols. They call Heidi 10.0. FAIL.

"I just want to hear from her, get in touch with her." --Darlene
Oh, Darlene, don't be so desperate.

"I just worry for her." --Hols
"She feels like she can't live in two worlds, she feels like she has to choose between us and Spencer." --Darlene
That's just like the Bible says!

Then, she starts crying and Holly starts crying and it's kind of sad, but also...I'm over it.


Depressed K-Cav drags Lo-Lo out to a restaurant and I just want to know why they even go through the hassle of driving around town and parking and getting a table when they never even effing eat. Or order, for that matter.

We learn that K-Cav has a heart and she has real feelings for Bromance Brody. But, it's hard to feel sorry for someone who is such a slutty bitch.

"You can't let Brody Jenner make you feel like an idiot." --Lo-Lo
Wow, truest of true. Cause, if Brody is making you feel like an idiot, you must be an idiot.

"I completely put myself out there and he doesn't want me..." --K-Cav
I still don't think being friends with benefits with someone and then playing games and then trying to make him jealous and THEN saying, "I like you" is really "putting myself out there." I mean, it is...if you're in 10th grade.


Next week, we'll watch the last. epi. ever. of The Hills.

Not sad.
Not even a little.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

independence forever.

Tomorrow marks the 234th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Where this was, more than likely, a pretty formal event. I also imagine it to be one of those things that when it was over the boyZ started really celebrating. I bet they went outside, looked east to Great Britain and gave 'em the ole bird. I bet they said things like, "Effffffffffffff you, George!" or maybe even, "Suck it monkeys!" They probably drank a lot and then threw their bottles into the Atlantic as if they could actually throw a bottle all the way to England. I would also guess that there was some in-fighting and general mockery of one another's signature and/or wigs.

This weekend I encourage everyone to join together one more time and give George the bird. Turn east and tell the Brits that while the Magna Carta was a great document it's no match for the incomparable United States Constitution.

Tell 'em to read the Monroe Doctrine and to remember that while we may be a bit down in the dumps today, we're constantly singing Puff Daddy's anthem to ourselves, Can't nobody take my pride... Uh-uh, uh-uh...Can't nobody hold me down... ohh no...I got to keep on movin'.

In 1825 Thomas Jefferson ended a letter to Henry Lee with the phrase, Independence Forever.

So, to that, I take my bottle throw it to the east and say, "Independence today! Independence tomorrow! Independence forever! Suck it, monkeys!"

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