Tuesday, July 31, 2012

bachelor pad: epi 2.

I know I didn't blog about last week's epi, but I'm glad I don't have a slutty twin sister.

I'm going to attempt to recap this reality television disaster, but with so much happening at the exact same time that nothing is happening I can't guarantee much.

Also, this is a family-friendly blog. This show is not something you should ever mention watching to your family.


We open up with Erica's celebration.
I would celebrate more if she wasn't wearing that dress. I think, technically, it's lingerie.
I think.

Rachel takes it to the street with the twins later. Then, I don't know what happened. They were just arguing and crying. Arguing and crying. Crying and arguing.

"You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried." -- Twin1

Then, they made up.


Chrissy Poo is rockin' a wrinkled shirt and some sexy cargo pants.
If by 'sexy' you mean gross linen cargo pants.


In Bachelor Pad's ode to the Olympics, we're doing some rhythmic gymnastics. You have to believe that the actual gymnastic gUrls wish they were in London at the Olympics and well, they aren't. You have to imagine that their parents are just sad. SAD. All that money and time DOWN THE DRAIN. And now here they are on national television "coaching" these always half-a-step away from being drunk people.

The Padders are split into boy and gUrl groups. It's a shit show. I can't think of any other way to describe it. JUST SAD.

Erica Rose, of course, is the worst gUrl in the group. I think she's sedated. Has to be. Right?

Donna, the fan, is just "killing" it.
But, that's according to Donna.


Uh-oh! Leotards!
Or just TARDS.


They put the gUrls in the same outfit as the boyz.

When is she actually going to be a dentist? GO BE A DENTIST.

The other judge is supposedly a gymnastic medalist from the US, but she looks like a Pussycat Doll. I honestly don't know if I could choose between being a Pussycat Doll and an Olympic medalist. JOKE. I'd be a medalist.

The gUrls perform and it's pretty bad.
Bad and sad.


Next up, the boyZ.
Supposedly, the boyZ were better than the gUrls, but I was checking Twitter for Olympic updates, so I don't know if that's really true or not.

WORST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: Erica Rose : (


I'm watching this and I'm like, "THIS IS YOUR REAL LIFE."


Michael isn't thinking strategy at all. He is looking for a love connection.
And. Does this mean he's on the show for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?

Erica Rose cannot handle that Donna is going on the date instead of her.
Donna is wearing a crocheted, bare mid-riff top. It's cute, if you live in a trailer park and you aren't planning on being cold throughout the evening.

Donna is workin' it.
If you like Creed cover bands. Oh, that's not a Creed cover band?
There was also a 70-year-old man in the crowd.

Again: if you, as a band, end up on this show is it the highest or lowest point of your career? I say lowest. But, I'm not a band.


Rachel says he's a phenomenal kisser.
He's not a phenomenal dresser.


Somewhere else there's a burrday party going on for some gUrl. This boy throwing it is someone I have never seen on my television before. There's a lot of drama happening.

At one point this gUrl says, "I'm someone he can take home to his family." About this time, she points to herself and she's wearing lacy, fingerless gloves. Talk about irony.


We get back to the group date and they are drinking, what seems to be straight whiskey.

Michael pulls Donna aside and she's brought her 8th grade notebook. She creepily drew a sketch of Michael years ago and is now showing it to him. In return, Michael makes out with her, to "fulfill a fantasy." OY VEY.


Chris, wearing his token hoodie, is workin' that back and playing some GAME. He's kissing gUrls and then crawling into bed with other gUrls.

It seems like these people wear their swimsuits all day long and I just have to note: that's pretty unsanitary and can cause some pretty disastrous things. Also note: not speaking from a personal experience, but 9th grade health class.




So, I've figured out that Chris is partners with Blakeley, but he's making out with Jamie and saying he wants to be partners with her. They are BOTH wearing hoodies now. Now, they aren't wearing hoodies, but they are in the same bed. I CANNOT KEEP UP.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!! Jamie just walked up to her bunk, but she found the hoodie-less couple smooching. ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OF HER BED, NO LESS. These people have no regard for others. Lots of tears.


Blakeley has to decide who to take on her date. She picks Chris, Ed and David. David starts crying when he's chosen. WEIRD.

The date consists of some Soapbox Derby racing. YAWN.

I mean, really Soapbox Derby? This is your marketing technique?


There's a lot of spray paint and a lot of plotting by the pool.
These people must not have actual lives. I cannot imagine leaving my life and my job to go on this show. After taxes and splitting $250,000, that's not much money.

Ed wins the derby and he drinks out of the trophy.

It's after-date cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of "strategy" talk.  And lots of sad, sad behavior from these adults.

David opens up to Blakeley.
Chris opens up to Ed in the pool.

"I'd be sitting in an 8x8 storage room with you and could be happy." -- Chris to Blakeley
My main question would be: why are you in an 8x8 storage room?

David's strategy doesn't work. Chris gets the rose. NO ONE CARES.


All the BP'ers are at the pool and hooking up.
Literally, everyone is hooking up but Sarah.
She remedies that and takes Ed upstairs.
Dads everywhere cried. Like, real tears.

We hear from the Twins for the first time in a while. They both are having a mental breakdown.
It's honestly entertaining to hear the other BP'ers talk about them.

There's just a lot of crying.
Like, a lot of crying.

Eventually, they get in a van and leave.


ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No gUrls have to leave.

At this point, I have no idea what is happening. People are voting, people are crying, people are plotting against one another. I figured out that one gUrl is strategizing to get her own partner voted off. Like, THE OLYMPICS ARE ON.


Chris calls, "final rose tonight."


What. a. disaster.

"I'm leaving with nothing." -- Ryan
No, son. You're leaving with some pride. Get the hell out of there. 


We have to do this again next week?
Kill me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : final epi.

Well, gang. It's 'F' for the win. I'm in Napa Valley on vacay and didn't see the epi. No blog from me today. I'll try to get one up in the near future. Peace and blessin'.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : men tell all.

The people who created this show are absolute geniuses. The premise isn't that all that cerebral or anything, but the fact that they can continue to draw people into this false reality is astonishing. I'm definitely a victim. The worst part is that they convince us to watch this episode and lead us to believe we'll learn some juicy details about the season. In reality, we got about 19 minutes of interview time with Mama Bear and some of the boyZ. Such a load of shit.

During Emily's first one-on-one with Chrissy Poo, while discussing some of the most "unforgettable" moments, Mama Bear says dating with a daughter is HARD. She says this whole experience didn't affect Ricki at all. At all? Really? JOKE.

She then says that interrupting gUrl talk is the golden rule. I guess she means the golden rule is that you don't interrupt gUrl talk?

The sexual tension and chemistry between Chrissy Poo and Mama Bear is insane. He's so protective of her. And Baby Boy really dislikes Ryan.

"I know what it's like to be judged unfairly." -- Emily
I wish you would tell me more about that. 

Emily saying, "Get the F out," was one of Chrissy Poo's all-time favorite moments ever.


BACH PAD PREVIEW: Whoa, Chris. You should probably get tested soon! Guess we finally have the answer to the age old question, "What becomes of the broken-hearted?" They go on another show and get. it. on.

Now, we're watching some of the "drama."

Kalon takes the hot seat and before they can get into anything we have to "take a look back."
This show, like every other epi, is just one huge, long recap of previous shows.
If I wanted to set myself on fire five episodes ago, what do I want to do now? What's worse than setting yourself on fire? I need to know.

OMIGAH. More baggage talk.

"I didn't know for a fact that I absolutely didn't want a step-child." -- Kalon
I can honestly say that today, I don't want one. What does that mean?

Remember how everyone hated CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle), but turns out she was just funny? Is that what's happening here?

"I guess my humor is wasted on a lot of people." -- Kalon
Speaking straight to my damn heart. 

That guy who looks like a lion (an ugly lion) says Kalon was just there for the glitz and the glamour. We must've be watching different shows, Mustafa. What glitz? What glamour?

Now, we have to watch Ryan's clips. I don't know if I completely disagree with Ryan or am totally on-board with him. But, then, I'm like, "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" Oh yeah, not me.

Then, Chris tries to confront Ryan and well, it goes real poorly for Chris. Ryan puts him in his place at least half-a-dozen times and someone sitting behind Chris fist pumps non-stop throughout the confrontation. What was that? He'd fist pump for both of them, so what side is the fist pumper on?

Ryan is very-well groomed, right? And so tan. Too tan. He looks like a Disney prince. But, not in the good way. He isn't ugly, but he's something. I just don't know anything anymore.

Ryan told Chris he never considered him a front-runner.
Chrissy Poo tells us Ryan won't be the next Bachelor.


Oh, yay!
It's time for Chris's one-on-one with Chrissy Poo.
Will there be tears?

I'm still crying over that tie he wore on his last night.

Chris has a strong mustache going.
Weak beard though.

"I loved that gUrl 110 percent." -- Chris
He got that one from his junior high basketball coach. 

"We're here today, we could be gone tomorrow." -- Chris
I wish that were actually true with this show. 

Chris believes that falling in love is so special and that it can happen.
This guy is so going to murder the next person who doesn't love him back.
Mark it down.

Now it's time for Sean. He still has very strong feelings for her. AWKWARD.

I mean, one week you're a single insurance agent in Dallas and 6 weeks later you have a six-year-old?
That sounds terrifying.

Sean has never really had a broken heart.

Sean is hopeful for the future.

Mama Bear's turn in the hot seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is wearing the tightest dress any mother has ever adorned.

Sean wants to thank Emily for opening up his eyes.
Oh, Chris wants to say THE EXACT SAME THING.

Emily confronts Kalon and she clearly hired a writer to help her deliver those lines. Kalon says, "Thanks for following me on Twitter."

This is all too much.
I hate myself so hard.

Of course it's a rented helicopter!
Who owns a helicopter?

BLOOPER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I laughed once.

Ok, I turned it off.
We learned nothing.

However, I know a lot of homeless guys who date Emily. Probably.

They didn't even talk to that one guy with the language barrier issue. That's who I wanted to hear from.
Oh, ABC, I'm such a pawn in your game.


There it is.


Will Chris Harrison announce that he's dating Emily next week?
Here's hoping.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 9.

"It's all tonight on the Bachelorette. "
I should've stopped before I started.

American Airlines flew these idiots down to Curacao and the opening background music had me believing I had accidently turned on the 5th, and likely, shittiest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Emily takes a walk on the beach and sits on a rock. While sitting on this rock she reflects back on the last 6 weeks. That lasted 9 minutes. For real. In real life she had to have been on that rock for longer than 9 minutes. Baby gUrl's butt had to be hurtin'.

After she got off the rock she drew her name in the sand.

"Emily + ?"
Right now I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?"


It's time for Emily's date with Sean.
I'm a little disturbed by his outfit.
I own that shirt.
And shorts that look pretty identical to those shorts.
I bought mine on sale at the Gap in March. In the LADIES section.
I also own several pairs of Toms.

One time I was driving through downtown Dallas and I kid you not, there was a homeless man wearing the exact outfit I had on. Surprisingly, watching Sean prance around in clothes I own is way worse. WAY WORSE.

Emily has on a shirt she originally bought for Ricki. But, Ricki said she wouldn't wear it because it's so ugly. She also said, "Mom, this shit is see-through, I can't wear it!"

What is this miraculous specimen of aviation?

I'm telling you, these people are just full of surprises.

And what's that? A private island? All for them?
Again, I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?

Sean tells a story about how he never wanted to hold some gUrl's hand. He made it sound so bad and terrible, but really-- he dated a gUrl in high school and they didn't get married. Guess what? I didn't marry my high school boyfriend either.

How do these people hang out on the beach without sunglasses?

"I'm crazy about you." -- Sean
"Thank you." -- Emily

Sean, ever the keen eye, spotted the snorkel stuff "over there."
So, he had on those shorts under his other shorts? Two pairs of long shorts?

It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is wearing a shirt that I swear on my life I own in a different color. Again, it's from the Gap. 

Emily has a romantic dinner planned on the beach. 

Again, Emily tells Sean she thinks he's perfect. He never really denies this claim, he just always smiles. I do like the way he maintains eye contact, but holy crap, NOT PERFECT. 

SeanBoy wrote Ricki a letter. 
Is that his handwriting?
Reminds me of a middle school gUrl's handwriting. 

The letter was sweet. 
But, I'm not 100 percent positive that Ricki can actually read, so it's a wash. 

Sean can't picture his life without Emily, but he never said if he would propose or not. I mean, not directly. Watching them kiss is enough to make me want to drink bleach. 

Fantasy suite card time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, they are just going to stay up chatting all night?
I bet there will be puppy chow and all lots of hair braiding tools, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOT TUB SEXY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sean is like, so hot." -- Emily
Literally or figuratively? 
You are in a hot tub. I just want to be on the same page as you, gUrl.

Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite.
If it's past 4am it counts as shacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rules are rules.


It's time for Jef (EXACTLY THE SAME NAME AS 'JEFF') to meet up with Mama Bear Emily. He's nervous about the day, but that's because hipsters don't do summer or water activities.

"Look at where we are. We are in the middle of the ocean." -- Jef
You can find it on the map next to OLDEN DAYS. 

They discuss their time together at the family ranch and Jef (English for 'Jeff') tells Em that his parents decided they want to meet her. Oh, thank goodness!

Ok, any dude who changes his name from JEFF to JEF and has parents that are smart enough and classy enough and have enough pride to not be seen on this show, just isn't cut out for this. He's too deep. Too sincere. I don't even think he's in this to promote his water company. Meaning, HE'S HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

I just don't see these two together. I mean, can you imagine him hanging out at a NASCAR event? Absolutely not. He will not like the South. At all. I bet he has friends that aren't white. He's going to be so confused.

One plus? I bet they can share jeans.
And maybe hair products.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jef (old English for 'Jeff') has some questions for Em, you know, just needs to cover some of the details. They discuss moving and getting a fresh start.

"Next question, you're an amazing gUrl." -- Jef
Not a question. 

Basically, he asks Emily why she's still single. Are you kidding me?
Remember her Baby Daddy died? And remember Brad proposed and then they broke up?
That's why she's single. Read the internetS, Jef!

Jef (sounds like 'GeoF') is single because he hasn't been able to see the end goal with anyone, but he can see that with Emily. Is he training for a marathon or dating?

Emily wonders how Ricki would "fit in here." At this point, I'd say awkwardly. Can you imagine a six-year-old hanging out on this date and seeing Mama Bear read a note inviting a man back to her suite for the night?

Oh, you mean fit into the big picture.
My B.

Jef turns down the fantasy suite card for Ricki and his family.
Em is thankful.
I dig it.

But, wait! Twist! They are going to hang out!
People, you can do stuff without spending the night.
Just saying.


And here's Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrie!
I wonder where Cassie the Producer is hanging out.

He has on the same swim trunks as Sean.
So, these dudes all wear v-necks and now they share bathing suits?

"One thing you can do that's cool is go swimming with dolphins, in the ocean." -- Emily
Sounds like the best place to do it. IN THE OCEAN. 

"I know nothing about dolphins." -- Arie
Good. That means you aren't a 6th grade gUrl. 

"Dolphins are not that scary." --Emily
Not that scary? What?
So, they are a little bit scary?

Arie says all they want to do when they are together is kiss. That's great and all, but very teenager-ish.

Emily then shares her feelings about kissing Arie. She LOVES kissing Arie.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You're doing good in those heels." -- Arie
Oh, is she? She saving babies and building houses or something?
Oh, you actually mean, she's walking well in them through the sand. 
Oh. Well, you should've said that. 

"I don't know what you do on like, a Tuesday morning." -- Emily

Emily tells Arie he has to get up before 9am, but he isn't scared.

Arie, like everyone else, wants to know what happens after this.

They have not even touched whatever that monstrosity is on their plates.
Could be a salad, could be a fish. Might be a crackhead, got a hold of the wrong stuff.

They discuss loving Ricki and Arie just wants to be Ricki's friend. He sounds like he's breaking up with Ricki. But, Emily digs it.

He's kind of saying all of the right things and not in the wrong way.

Emily is having an inner-struggle. She's a role model and cannot give him the fantasy suite card. At all. She doesn't trust herself with inviting him in. I dig that. Way to go, gUrl!

"There are three guys here and I can only pick one and that means my relationships with the others will be over." -- Emily
That's just for those of you keeping score at home on how this all works. 


Oh, good! Emily packed that horse ponytail for this trip!
There's a bald horse running around North Carolina somewhere.


It's time for her counseling session with Chrissy Poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One time I heard someone say that when you look in the mirror before you leave the house you should probably take one thing off. Emily has never heard this advice.

I do not even know how she came up with the outfit she's wearing. A Hanes wife-beater, a long sequined skirt, fake pearls and then, well I don't know what that other necklace is supposed to be. And of course, the horse ponytail. She's trying to be casual, but fashionable. It didn't work. It looks like her house flooded and she could only grab a few items and this is what she ended up with. I do like her eye make-up though!

My favorite time of the season!
Pre-filmed videos of the boyZ bearing their hearts and souls!!!!!!!!!!
Totally normal thing to do in a relationship-- just make a video, share your feelings and boom.

Sean starts off by yelling, "EMILY!" as if she thought the video might be for someone else.

Jef tells Emily that he'll always defend her and protect her. It's his way of saying, "I GOT YOUR BACK." He's in. That's all she wants in a man.

Arie says his heart is always racing towards her. No clue what that means. Like, no clue.


ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby gUrl is strugglin'. Damn. She don't want to teach no lessons to anybody.

Arie and Chrissy Poo are dressed alike.

Emily knows none of the dudes think they are going home. She's about to SHOCK THE WORLD.

So many tears. So many.
Get it together, gUrl. Come on.

After staring at the three photos, for what seemed like forever, she makes her move out to the boyZ.

She can't believe she made it to this point.
I have to agree. How did I make it this far, gUrl?

She cares and she's sorry.

Boom! Jef.

Boom! Arie.

: ( Sean.

Sean is shocked. Just shocked.

They walk out, hand-in-hand, and we get a full length shot of her skirt. I think it's actually curtains. So, she really may have lost everything in a flood and decided to save curtains instead of clothes.

"I feel kind of stupid." -- Sean
Because you didn't understand the rules?

Barbie Mom starts crying. She wanted it to be him so bad. So, so bad.
Dogs are barking in the background and it's finally time for his long car ride home.

Sean says he knew without a doubt that he was going to marry her.
Clearly, I'm questioning his discernment at this point.
Definitely not his spiritual gift.

Emily takes some time for herself and sits on a bench.
She looks up to the stars and cries.

Sean feels like his life was stolen from him and there's nothing he can do about it.
I mean, file a police report, son.

Emily's still on the bench crying and Sean hasn't cried on camera yet. Big ups to him on that one.


And there you have it.
Only two men remain.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 8.

Praise the Lord! Barbie Mom Emily has finally returned from her "old world" travels. That flight home from 1689 must have felt like an eternity.

She returned home in the dead of night wearing an over-sized skull shirt. The shirt was over-sized and so was the skull. Both were over-sized. I cannot emphasize this enough. Such a big skull.

She was greeted at the door by her Sweet Ricki and a "Welcome Home" sign that totally looked like it was made by a six-year-old.

Then, she recapped the most tumultuous 4 weeks of her life-- the last 4.

In the middle of the recap her hair came down, the sign came down and the clock struck 9:32, indicating bedtime for Sweet Ricki.


We head to Chicago where we meet up with young Chris, who is wearing an updated Members Only jacket. The second these two are on the screen together you can tell it's over. OVER.

Chris tells Emily to expect a theme.
The themes I picked up on: Chicago, Polish-ness

Chris explains to us and Emily that his family is Polish. You can see the wheels spinning in Emily's head, What does this mean? Did I go to Poland? Is that in the old world? 

Chris takes Emily to enjoy a Polish brew in the middle of the blustery Chicago day and they've got the joint to themselves. This was this restaurant's moment to shine and they decided to introduce themselves to the world by going with about 12 different fake plants and leaves and some maroon curtains. And a shit ton of wood paneling. At this point I picked up on another theme: BASEMENT.

We finally head over to Lil' Poland to meet the fam.

The second the door opens I pick up on another theme: Chris might be attracted to his sister, as Emily looks identical to one of them.

They immediately sit down to dinner.

WHITE WINE in the middle of winter? These are my type of people. I wonder if it was Polish wine? I'll have to google Polish wines later.

"So, you're his dad." -- Emily, to Chris's dad

Dad tells Em that if she's looking for love and support Chris is it. If she's looking for something else, HIT THE ROAD.

"I was a hot mess, Ma." -- Chris
I hate that he was saying that in past tense. Baby boy is still a hot mess. 

Look-alike Sister asks Emily what it is about Chris that she loves. Her answer is vague and Emily's upset that someday her brother might get his heart broken. She didn't even talk about Chris. She talked about her brother. Red flag.

Oh, Chris. This is not going to end well.

Chris calls himself crazy AND tells Emily he IS in love. Not just falling in love.

Does he love her like I love pizza or like how John and Abigail Adams loved each other?
Serious question.

Then, Chris surprises Emily with a Polka band and some dancing.


Let's rewind for just a quick second. In the opener, Emily said she wanted a guy with some edge.
Baby gUrl, Jef (which is pronounced exactly like 'JEFF') isn't edgy, he just has a shitty (see: weird) haircut.

Jef (presumably short for 'Jeff') introduces her to his ranch, Homestead Ranch (never saw a home).
They shoot some skeet and baby boy isn't a terrible shot. Who knew?

Emily isn't terrible either.
She takes gun lessons at home.

Quick question: What the hell is a 'gun lesson'?
I don't think that's a thing.

Jef (Polish for 'JEFF') breaks down the family situation to Emily and he nervously plays with her dress the whole time they are sitting under that fancy TJ Maxx umbrella on some hay bales.

Jef throws her to the wolves (Not John's family! He got kicked off.) quickly.
There's a lot of denim and a lot of death stares. Oh, and a lot of kids.

Nothing says let's have a fun time like a tall glass of lemonade and what looks to be at least 48 hot dog buns.

Jef's brother, Steve (presumably short for 'Steven'), pulls Emily aside to ask the tough questions. Steve isn't wearing a wedding ring, but he's married. This leads me to believe that he's part of a cult and he has more than one wife. Maybe I've been watching "Sister Wives" on TLC too much?

"You have to have the fundamentals." -- Steve, to Emily
Is he drafting a basketball team or looking for a sister-in-law?
Maybe he's looking for a new wife and means FUNDAMENTALIST?

The sisters pull Emily aside and the tough questions continue.

"A dad, a step-dad, whatever." -- Emily
No, no. Not whatever.

Emily tells the sisters that she's falling in love, but she's slow to throw that word out.

"I'm a mom, too." -- Emily

Jef takes Emily to an overlook and he shares some notes her wrote on the way home from the Old World.

"I love how good of a person you are." -- Jef
There has to be a better way to say that. 

"I love how funny we are together." -- Jef
I've never laughed less. 

And then they made out while laying on a blanket.

This old dog needs to learn some new tricks.


We're headed to the race track to hang out with Awesome Arie.

Emily is wearing what looks to be semi-formal attire.

ABC is always stirring up some fake drama, so I was really expecting them to lay it on thick with this whole race car thing. WRONG. All we get is, "That's so different than NASCAR."

Arie whisks Emily away from the race track to a field surrounded by some apartments. He puts a blanket down for them to sit on and it's at this point, he just. starts. talking.

Arie's parents are so European. They have different values. They are open-minded. No, they aren't open-minded. They say what's on their minds. He's so nervous.

I am so confused.
At this point, I'm expecting Russians dictators or like, Nazis or something.
He did a terrible job of prepping her to meet these people.

It's finally time.

"I've been looking forward to meeting y'all for a while now. Arie says such great things." -- Emily
LIES. You lie! He said weird things! And confusing things!

"Oh yeah, Charlotte, we raced there in the '90s." -- Arie's Dad
OY VEY. The Charlotte tourism people have to be dying. 

"Not very sexy." -- Arie's Dad, again
And there it is. 
Charlotte's new slogan. 

CHARLOTTE: Not very sexy. 

Then, they started speaking Dutch and like, COME ON, son! Don't play this game. Dutch?! It's not even Spanish. Who can pick up on Dutch? Baby gUrl needs to put this on her list: must learn Dutch. NEXT. 

Arie's mom, dressed like a sexy European, pulls Emily aside. She's very confused. She saw Brad propose and now Emily is sitting here in her sexy European bedroom! How did this all happen? It's all a big surprise!

Arie Senior likes her Southern accent.

Everyone approves.


On to the next one!

We head to Dallas (D-Town Dougie).

Right off the bat: WRONG. Cows?! Really? Where did they go to find those damn things? OY VEY.

Sean's hanging out with his dogs at the lake. The lake that also serves as a water treatment facility. You don't want to fall in that thing.

Sean has his dogs with him on leashes and the second Emily gets out of the car he drops the leashes as if he's showing off. It was very odd. Also, his dogs have very, very people-ish names. Like, as in, names that I know people have recently named their babies.

So, Sean has prepared a picnic. He makes her sit in the middle of a field that hasn't been mowed. Listen up, I've been on like, two dates to White Rock Lake (LOOK OUT) and there are other places to sit. Places that won't make you itch. This is just terrible. I hope Baby gUrl doesn't suffer from allergies.

Sean launches into some weirdo story about how great he is with women.

"I will never ever allow a gUrl give herself to me if I can't reciprocate." -- Sean
SAY WHAT. I for real need to know if he means that literally. Like, for real. 

"He really is so perfect." -- Emily
FALSE. He lives in Dallas. 

He keeps calling his life "simple." That stresses me out. Has he never sat in traffic?  I know that guy probably only buys organic. I've never been to Whole Foods and thought, This is so simple. No, it's hard!

He just left that damn blanket in the middle of the field. And why did he bring a football? Baby gUrl ain't about to toss around the pigskin anytime in this century. PUH-LEASE. 

Sean takes us to his childhood home.
It's not even in Dallas County.

You gotta take a nap after saying that name.

If she says "perfect" one more time I'm going to set myself on fire.

Sean plays a joke on her. Oh, just dying here. He tells her he lives at home and takes her to a messy room.

"He's a mess and he's really into stuffed animals." -- Emily
Real LOL. 

Oh, he's joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are so lighthearted!

Sean sits down with his perfect dad. Are these two really related? I see ZERO similarities.

Sean talks about this relationship he has with his dad and blahblahblah, but then Dad comes in and is all like, "He's never shared anything with me before!" So confused.

Dad's heart might explode.
His heart might explode at the same time that my head explodes.

Do they really drink dark beer?
What was that?

Sean says bye to Emily.
Of course, he says bye with some real TONGUE-Y kisses.
This kid needs help.
So. much. tongue.

I should not be able to see your tongue when kissing.

But, wait! He needs more.
He takes off in the most leisurely jog ever, yelling at what was NOT the top of his lungs and goes to get another kiss.

The way he strolls back to his house made me want to move to Colleyville/DIE. It was terrible. He thinks he's hot shit. I mean, I know everyone is saying he's so great and loves the Lord and blahblahblah, but I haven't heard him mention that yet. Like, not once. He just struts around in his tight shirts and lame jeans.


RECAP TIME WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is even the point?


I think Chris's tie was leftover from a wedding he was in once.
No one would ever actually buy a tie that color unless he was trying to match a bridesmaid's dress.

"Do you have an explanation?"
"I don't have an explanation."
"But, it was me?"
"No, it wasn't."
LIES, Emily. LIES.

"How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you!" -- Chris
Oh, shit. 

"Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and think, 'I made a mistake.'" -- Emily
Yeah right. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and move to Colleyville.

"I thought she loved me back. This sucks." -- Chris
Well. That sums it up, right?

Chris doesn't do himself any favors in the limo.
He's too emotional for this show. And that's saying something.
I think we'll see him in anger management soon.


We learn that the gang is headed to the Carribbean next week.
I hope they all drown there.


Do I have to address the armadillo joke?
Don't make me.

Monday, July 2, 2012

boys of summer: part 3.

For the next leg of the trip the band of merry rebels headed over to Royal Gorge, Colorado for some whitewater rafting.

GW obviously rode the bull. Madison sat this one because he was too short.

It should be noted that the men kept referring to the gorge as the "Executive" Gorge rather than "Royal." Talk about crazy!

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