Tuesday, August 31, 2010

bachelor pad: most likely to be dumbest.

You know what's interesting? There are people out there who get paid actual dollars to write re-caps of television shows. Some watch good shows, some watch bad shows. I watch bad shows and then VOLUNTARILY write these re-caps. You know that means? It means, if I was actually on Bachelor Pad, I would have been voted "dumbest" last night.

Alright, let's move on.

Was Wes really floating around in that hot tub in his undies like he just got back from Iraq? Dude, suck it up. You knew her a week. You weren't in love. She didn't die. Get your shit together and invest in a bathing suit.

I think they are misusing the word "competition" during this show. I mean...writing down someone's name on a piece of paper because you think their boobs are fake is NOT a competition. Throwing a ball at that person while they are running away from you and you are screaming, "fake boobs!" at them...now, that's a competition!

I have to be honest-- it's a toss-up on whether or not this would have made me upset. If I was in the environment they were in and one of these people was calling me dumb or shallow, you know what? Water off a duck's back, gUrl! But, sitting around with my croanies? Yeah, I'd be a little sad that everyone thinks my boob job is whack. Or that I'll never be a bride. But, come on, gUrl, you romped around Vegas NAKED in a pool last week in front of two other gUrls, who most definitely talked about it. That does NOT scream marriage material. I mean, not in my world anyway.

I think the producers messed with the voting a little bit. Every single person but Tenley voted Natalie as "dumb." Don't we think they would have been done when filling out the actual surveys, too? YES. Oh, reality tv...you get me. Every. single. time.


Everyone is crying. I clearly don't have a heart, because I laughed at them while they were crying.

I heard Disney is coming out with a new princess-esque movie and the princess is based off of Tenley and she shits marshmallows. The prince is based off of Kiptyn and he throws up brown sugar. It's going to be precious.

Man, Peyton got duped, eh? But, Pey-Pey, gUrl...he has a tattoo covering the whole left side of his body. He's small town. He still wears Abercrombie. This was NOT going to work. I'm from a small town and I mix vodka with a LOT of things, but never. NEVER, ever have I or will I ever mix it with champagne. The guy said he had never had a martini before, which in some circles is a good thing, but in this one it means he's been doing nothing but drinking Natty Light out in a field four miles south of town.

Krisily, have you ever heard yourself talk? That's why you're an "outsider." Also, your name is KRISILY. That's NOT a real name. It's just not. You're 30.

I really like that Wes compares this show to his job. What a job! If you make it to the end, it's six weeks of partying and tanning. And if you don't, well, it's just a shorter time period of partying and tanning. As long as you wear sunscreen and take care of your liver that sounds like a pretty fun job.

The voting was way more dramatic than it should have been. People keep forgetting that where, this is their life, it's not necessarily REAL LIFE or relevant.

Best part of the night: Without a doubt when Krisily started calling people out for voting for her and Wes yelled, "I didn't vote for ya." and Jesse B. followed suit with, "I didn't either." I laughed so hard I cried. Then, I cried some more because it was two hours later and I had gained nothing from watching this show.

"I feel bad for Krisily, she really embarrassed herself tonight." --Dave
Wait. What? She just now embarrassed herself? You clearly haven't seen the footage from last week where she was scribbling your name down on the cover of her notebook and drawing hearts around it.

"People in the house. They came to party. They want to drink and hoot and holler." --Wes Yes, Wes, yes...when people want to hoot, they almost always want to holler as well. It's a given.

Monday, August 23, 2010

bachelor pad: STDs the gift that keeps on giving.

I really like that they are starting each week with the ending-drama from the week prior, but would they really sit around and talk like that? I think the producers make them! Tricky-tricky!

Who made Gia President Pro Tempore of the Senate? She's making rules, cutting deals and talking with a slight lisp. She's cracked out. She's blaming poor little Nikki for ruining the game, but again...Gia went rogue.

Oh, good...Pony Boy is back and the "outsiders" are, too!

So, let's talk about this kissing competition. Gag. In all honestly, I don't know that I've ever seen anything so repulsive on network television before. There is p-o-r-n music playing in the background of this kissing competition. I can't even write the actual word because who knows what kind of freaky stuff will end up on google if I do.

I really think Tenley might have something wrong with her brain. Did she start crying a little when the other gUrls told her they thought number 3 was Kippy-Skippy? She did!

Good for Ashley and Gia for skipping out...but, that Ashley chick has now skipped out on two competitions. How does that work? Where'd Peyton come from? She must have learned something working for Delta Delta Delta. She didn't see it coming. America didn't see it coming.

I'd like to discuss Krisily now. First off, that isn't a real name. Second, her hair is OUT OF CONTROL. Third, is she serious? Fourth, but, really, is she being serious? Fifth, she legitimately decided she's in love after kissing a guy blindfolded during a competition. That's some sixth grade bullshit, right there.

Now, I'd like to discuss Natalie. Actually, I don't want to. I'm just going to pray for her.

Kippy's rejection of Tenley was one of the most interesting things I've ever seen. For the first time, like, ever she was right-on when discussing what happened, "I feel like I got rejected." Yes, you did.

This whole Peyton and Jesse B. thing is just. Ewwww. It's like, she's the preacher's kid in high school and starts dating the town loser, who definitely either drives a Firebird or a big ass truck. He's like every single guy I went to high school with-- but, worse. Way worse. What does, "we got rough last night," even mean? And I swear after the date was over Jesse B. said, "well, we're together now." Oh, are you? That's TWO, count 'em, TWO "relationships" Jesse B. has had in the house now. Come on!

It's hard to even believe anything that comes out of Gia's mouth. I'm fairly certain she's never heard any music before if that song Wes has played over and over again on television makes him comparable to Shakespeare. How did this happen? I've been on retreats before. I've worked at a summer camp-- granted, there was no alcohol at either place, but I'm just not sure how these "relationships" come about. What's the saddest thing about Gia and Wes is that, at first, Wes was just falling all over her and she was kind of playing it cool and now she's like the ninth grader dating the senior quarterback. The only problem? This guy isn't even on the football team! He's more like the quarterback that graduated years prior and is hanging around games to pick up gUrls. He's totally the 26-year-old that comes to prom.

Best line of the night: "Personally, getting to know the weatherman, I don't think he's funny, I don't think he's cute. I really don't like the guy." -Elizabeth

FINALLY. Who does really like that guy? High-on-Xanax-Gia?

Wes was looking pretty desperate walking around threatening everyone like this is real life or something. I mean, Gia still has a boyfriend at home, right? Am I right? However, she did say in the after-the-boot-limo-ride, "If I would have stayed another day, I would have told him how I feel." Oh, really? Like, he doesn't know how you feel?

Second best line of the night: "If I win $250,000 I'll be on a plane to New York." -Wes

But, if he doesn't win it, he won't be? I mean, plane tickets can be pricey, but that pricey? I don't know...

Other questions: Is it just me or is Elizabeth crossing over the line of "bat-shit-crazy" to "for-real-y'all-she's-crazy?" What do we think Natalie does for a living? Do we think Natalie's parents are completely and utterly ashamed of her? What does Melissa do for this show? What is her purpose?

I will be reading the dictionary from cover-to-cover until next week to gain back all of the brain cells lost from this week's epi. Thanks.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

bucket list.

I'm not really a big list maker, unless it's an itinerary. Good Lord, I love a good itinerary. I've never been one to make lists or even write things down on a calendar. I don't make lists because often, I can remember things off the top of my head. Sometimes I make lists because it makes me feel like a normal, functioning member of society, but then I forget about the list and go on about my day. I made a list to go to the grocery store the other day and never got it out of my pocket. I rarely make "to-do" lists because it would be the length of Tennessee and it would overwhelm me.

One list I've really avoided, on purpose, is a "bucket list." For different reasons than a "to-do" list or a grocery store list. Bucket lists scare the shit out of me. This fact was just brought to my attention a few days ago when I mentioned to a dear friend that I would be visiting Concord, New Hampshire, home of America's favorite President, Franklin Pierce. The friend stated that I would probably have very few things in life left to look forward to after standing where Pierce stood and looking at the chair Pierce ate breakfast in. I was really taken aback by this statement, because, damn it, it might be true!

I'm 26 and I've done and experienced a lot of cool stuff. I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of things, loved a lot of people-- but, is this really it? Is this really my stopping point? Am I really out of things to see after I kiss the steps of the only home Franklin Pierce ever owned? Surely not, right? But, then I kept thinking. And thinking. And thinking. What is left, I asked myself.

I think there's a lot left. And to avoid any emotional breakdowns about my life being over or seeing all there is to see, I'm doing it. I'm making a bucket list. This list will be different than my new year's resolutions, because I hate new year's resolutions and they'll be different from the things I'm thinking about being passionate about... mainly because I'm still passionate about very few things.

Bucket List: Things I Hope To Do Before Death
Version 1
Part 1: Things I Cannot Control
1. Marry a man.
2. Have a child: make him/her an entertainer, solely for my benefit.

Part 2: Things I Might Be Able to Control
1. Pay for someone else's college education.
2. Get a book deal. Go on a book tour.

Part 3: Things I Will Make Happen, Lord Willing
1. Take The Reg to England for his 60th burrday.
2. Take my mother to D.C.
3. Corrupt my future nephews and nieces. And tell them about Jesus.
4. Walk where Jesus walked.
5. Avoid rehab facilities.
6. Throw something off a bridge out of anger.
7. Do something awesome every day.
8. Go to Yorktown, Virginia and stand where my great-great-great-great (great?) grandfather stood with George Washington when General Cornwallis and
those stupid ass red coats surrendered the Revolutionary War to him.
Then, turn to the east flip the bird to King George.
9. Submit an application (resume?) to SNL to be a writer. Frame the rejection notice.
10. Get a pony at one of my burrday parties before I turn 30.
11. Drive a school bus.
12. Audition for Jeopardy.
13. Watch the Razorbacks win a football national championship. Cry tears of joy. Die right there and ascend into Heaven and celebrate with Jesus and the saints.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

the bachelor pad: damage control.

I'm not the smartest person on the face of the planet, but it's something I'm constantly working towards...unfortunately, because I've watched this show two weeks in a row now, I'll never get there.

From here on out, Elizabeth will be known as CAB (Crazy Ass Bitch). How did she manage to get Kovacs to agree to be in a relationship with her? And why in the world does she continue to tell him that she loves him?

White Trash Jesse and Bear-Lover Natalie remind me a lot of a high school couple.

A pie-eating contest? Gag. They should've made Melissa eat a pie. Or 12. That gUrl is SKINNY. And why do the gUrls have to be partially naked to do this challenge?

These people are adults, right? Like. Most of them pay taxes and have jobs? So, why in the hot hell are they walking around calling people "outsiders" and "popular?" I just keep waiting for Pony Boy to pop up. That'd actually turn this piece of shit around.

The Weatherman is smart. It's like he's taking all the senior gUrls to the dance that people love, but they aren't exactly homecoming queen material. Good call, WxMan. The painting they did on that group date was disgusting and not cool at all. I can't even think of anything clever to say because it was so stupid.

Gia states early on that she has the power to change the game and boy, did she. Everybody is blaming Nikki for changing the vote, but what if that idiot Gia would've just done what she said she would do?

Let's go back to Jesse B. How awesome is he? He's all about blonde hair bear-lover and the second he even has a conversation with Gia he's all, "yeah, Natalie's cool, but I can really see Gia and me together." WHAT THE WHAT?

Maybe I'm an idiot, but what was going on in that shower?

What's going on with Gia and Wes? Is she for real? I thought she had a boyfriend? And when he says, "I love you" does it mean, let's get married or I could eat pizza three times a day, six days a week love?

How many high school-centered romantic comedies do you think Jessie S. watched before coming on the show? I mean, her whole strategy is based off a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie, is it not?

Best part of the show? When Tenley just burst into tears after she back-handedly called CAB a big ole slut. BOOM. ROASTED. Like, she called the other gUrl a whore, a slut and she gets to cry? What is happening in that poor gUrl's head? Anything?

Worst part of the show? Chris Harrison's outfit at the rose ceremony. Like, invest in a mirror. Seriously.

My head hurts. Bad.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

bachelor pad: crazy town, population 19.

I'm a fairly rational person. I make pretty decent decisions 86% of the time. However, every bit of rationale and logic go out the window when the television remote is in my hands. Earlier this summer my friends even started this game called, "What will LC NOT watch?" Needless to say, no one could really think of anything because I find humor and stupidity in just about everything. Or a good story.

I digress.

Last night was no different. I tuned in to the disaster of a train wreck shit festival that is Bachelor Pad. To say I feel like less of a human for watching this would be true. To say I lost brain capacity cannot be proved, but I have my guesses that I may have.

Last night the following questions kept running through my head: Who are these people? What do they do for a living? Didn't Craig M. say he had to lie to his employers just a few months ago to go on the Bachelorette? How does that work? Why is her hair that color? Why does she keep shrieking like she saw a shark in the water? Does that gUrl have friends? If so, why'd they let her wear that? Do those tattoos even mean anything? She loves him? Like, LOVE? But, he says they aren't even dating and she keeps dropping that bomb on him? Who is this gUrl?

Obviously, I'm intrigued by these people. And clearly, I'm super annoyed. Which is why I've decided that since my favorite piece of shit television show, The Hills, is off the air, for what is hopefully the rest of my life, I will blog about this train wreck. Since the format and premise of the show is much, much different than The Hills (thank God) the posts will be, too. Basically, this show is two hours long and I can't re-cap every scene. You've been alerted.

The basics:

Chris Harrison showed us his casual side last night with a bright pink polo and some jeans. And then, in true Chris form he wore the ugliest tie he could possibly find. It's like his wardrobe team scoured the outfits of old soap opera stars from the 80s or something. TRY HARDER.

Melissa what's her ass who got dumped by Jason what's his ass is back as a co-host, because apparently Chris can't handle the drama. But, it takes his chances of getting an STD down, too, so I bet he's fine with sharing duties.

The contestants are all idiots. And who's doing the weather in Houston if this guy is spending all of his time playing the same four chords over and over and over again in a pool to a bunch of drunk gUrls?

What'd Elizabeth Don't Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Don't, Do, Please, DO from Jake's season do to her weave? And. I mean, she. is. CRA-ZAY. Like, certifiable. Not to mention, a bit manipulative.

And Tenley? gUrl, calm the hell down. Please.

I was happy to see that Peyton finally made it off that aircraft carrier and that Gwen is still chugging along somewhere over the rainbow. Also, real nice to know Wes is still a struggling musician. Hey, dreams never die, do they?

What will happen next week? Will it be the most dramatic game of Scrabble ever? What awesome washed-up musical act will perform? I can't wait to find out!

I need a Xanax just thinking about it.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

summer shout outs.

I try really hard to not make this blog about my life or what I'm doing or what my kids are eating or what recipes I've been using lately. Mostly, I try to entertain my mother, brother and the other 9 people who read this. But, sometimes, in order to give some SHOUTS OUTS I have to make it about my life because I live a rather fortunate life for a single, 26-year-old with an inability to do chemistry.


SHOUT OUT to Southwest Arkansas and most notably, my uncle's "farm." Not only did I finally get to put my fishing shirt to use with my favorite lil' cuzzy, but I got to shoot guns and see people camp out in an RV in a front yard.

SHOUT OUT to the Garton sisters. Moving in with them has not only enhanced my music collection, but also my ability to watch shitty reality television for more than multiple hours at a time.

SHOUT OUT to the Chach-skis. Getting to spend a weekend with these assholes really reminded me why I don't spend more weekends with them. And why I cherish their friendships as much as I do.

SHOUT OUT to Morg-hanne Stallings. There is no other person in the world I'd rather sing a karaoke duet with. And I really mean that.

SHOUT OUT to Jeannie Baby Blair's dance moves. gUrl can hold her own.

SHOUT OUT to Lil' Ri-Ri Risa for getting married and extending some mad grace to me and allowing me to stand next to her on wedding day. More grace was extended at her reception where I chased her around the dance floor, danced with a chair and hit on her 14-year-old cousin way more than once.

SHOUT OUT to Seattle. My boss "made" me go there for four days and let's just say I could think of way worse places to spend four days. Work or otherwise.

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