Friday, May 28, 2010

throw ya hands up at me.

I've commented on the wisdom of Destiny's Child way more than once. To say Beyonce is a lyrical genius is selling her short, but she is.

Growing up, my father, the Reg, raised me much like he raised my brother. There were times when that was completely frustrating and I suffered more than one haircut fiasco because I was such a tomboy, but really-- things turned out for the better. The Reg raised me to be independent, to make my own decisions and to stand my ground when I was getting my oil changed and the mechanics wanted to do some "extras" for me.

I remember the first time he sent me to get my oil changed. I was probably 17. Before I left he gave me a very, very specific list of don'ts. The number one don't, you ask? Never, ever let them mess with your air filters.

Beyonce sings, "I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings..." It's probably always in the back of her head, just like, "Do not touch my air filters" is always in the back of mine. Anytime I'm feeling like an idiot female or discouraged, I just think..."Lauren, you can get your oil changed without getting duped. You are a strong, independent woman." And then, I'm fine.

I'm so very thankful for the Reg who threw me to the wolves early and often. It's made me more and more like Beyonce everyday.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

the hills: just friends.

Bro-Bro and K-Cav are enjoying, what's probably a Tuesday, with Jager bombs. Which, you would think after Bro-Bro's last gUrlie he'd stay away from that. I mean, do we not remeber Jay-de drinking Jager straight out the bottle at a party Bromance had?

Apparently Bro-Bro and K-Cav aren't dating, but they are dating...others.

Bro-Bro is still enjoying being single. As many times as he's said that, I'm even starting to believe him.

We meet up with AuddiePat and Joe Simpson's failed project. In a weird twist, Ryan says, "well, thanks for lunch, baby. " like AuddiePat cooked/fixed lunch for him It's a big, strange world, my friends.

They discuss AP wanting to hang out with her "friends" and Ryan at the same time. It turns into CabbiePatch saying he's going to read "Catcher in the Rye" in a candy thong. What's a candy thong and how does he know about that book?


StephiePratt and LoLo are strolling through LA. Stephie is ready for a man. After all, she's sober now. She claims to have let go of the Heidi and Spencer "baggage." But...this is MTV...yeah, right and who lets go of baggage that quickly...especially when you're a "recovering" alcoholic and it's your family? Her therapist must be on call 24/7.

"What'd you do today?" --LoLo
"Oh, I had an AA meeting." --StephiePratt
She always says shit like that so calmly, which both alarms me and makes me happy for her. I mean, she's not ashamed of it, but also...kind of a big deal to be in AA, not something you should just be glossing over all the damn time.

LoLo and "Scott" are setting StephiePratt up on a date, but she's super nervie that the guy might be worried about her being sober. I feel that, sister. But, I'm not sober. So, I don't.

"In a normal world, I should've just started drinking two years ago." --StephiePratt
Yeah, well this isn't a normal world and I'm sure you were 21 when you started drinking. Sure.


The besties, K-Cav and Auds are bestie-ing it up by eating popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. At one point, I think I saw someone actaully put a handful of food into their mouth. But, I watched the scene again and realized that it didn't happen.

AuddiePat encourages K-Cav to not get attached to Bromance Brody, she claims she isn't, but immediately picks up the phone to call him...and of course....he's schmoozin' some other lady (note: the word lady is being used loosely here).

Basically, K-Cav is upset that she's losing her benefits of being the King's friend.

The date between Brody and McKhaela (how the hell does she spell her name?) was painful.



CharlieBra thinks Brody should be cautious about bringing McKhaela around the flock of wild animals.

"She got all quiet and weird. Like a chick." --Brody, about K-Cav's reaction to his new gUrlie


StephiePratt and AuddiePat are just playing hangies.

Somehow, in the middle of a conversation about hanging out with their "friends" and RyanCabbagePatch StephiePratt makes the conversation about her date with MaxiPad. It was a really interesting spin on her part. I couldn't believe how smooth she made it seem. She clearly thought the conversation was about her the whole time. God forbid someone else share details about their life, StephiePratt.

She seems most excited about her date based on the simple fact that he has a car. Valid. I'm thinking she's excited about that because of her whole DUI thing and now, she won't have to worry about driving drunk, MaxiPad can do it.


We go to Jane's House and McKhaela mets the gUrlies. It's a big shit fest of love and StacietheBartender is even there! Basically, it was a waste of production money to even film this idiotic group gathering.

Brody created drama. K-Cav got bitchy.

Bromance and McKhaela left early.


In a new move from the show, we meet up with K-Cav and StacietheBartender the "next morning" de-briefing about all the previous evening's happenings. K-Cav refuses to call McKhaela by her name and refers to her simply as, "that girl."

In a twist, StacietheBartender tells K-Cav, "I told you so."


StephiePratt and LoLo are going on a date. Question: When did LoLo get a boyfriend? Why didn't we know this and why have we never seen him? Seems mighty convenient, Hills Producers. Might convenient.

"What color shoes are these, just black?" --LoLo about an obviously black pair of shoes

StephiePratt doesn't want to wear the hot shoes because she doesn't want MaxiPad to think she's all slutty and stuff, remember: she's also got to tell him that, at the young age of 23, she's a recovering alcoholic and has baggage in the form of a crazy-ass-brother (CAB) who carries trunks of crystals around in his car.

We learn that MaxiPad is a model, but he's young! He's only 24! No! But, they are making it seem like he has a job. Win. Win. Win.

MaxiPad asks StephiePratt for her number. It was kind of awkward and cute, but that could've been because he was forced to ask her for it. Or because he actually did it on his own and he was really nervous. Toss-up.

K-Cav and Brody meet up at his bachelor pad and K-Cav, AGAIN, refuses to hug Brody. So, basically, she'll hit it with this guy, who she isn't dating, but she won't freely give him hugs. Bold.

"I said hello to her!" --K-Cav
"You said hello and then you sat down with the wolfpack and ksdjfhkhfgkgfhgkhkdfgsh!" --Brody

K-Cav bares her soul to Bromance and tells him he needs to get his shit together and not be all over other girls in front of her. Then, she says they are friends. Then, she tells him to shut up like four times and she gets up and leaves. She really got her point across. I mean, what was her point? She was giving it up and now she's disappointed that he's no longer interested in taking it?

These people are so all over the place.


This epi was super lame and boring because The Pratties were not involved at all. We only got a brief mention of them! I'm guessing this is because the gUrlies decided to "cut them out of their lives forever." But...when has that actually ever happened on this show? I mean, not too long ago K-Cav and AuddiePat were physically fighting each other over JustinBobby and now they are daytime hangies all the time.

On the positive side, I didn't need a Xanax this epi, but I also almost fell asleep. Multiple times.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

the hills: pre-intervention.

We start off the epi with the two outcast sisters, who aren't in any way sisters, but call each other "sister" at a restaurant. Idiots. They say they are at lunch, but who's eating? I'd love to know how StephiePratt is still driving if she's had like 19 DUIs. Shouldn't she be without a license by now or at least having to take a Breathalyzer before getting into her car?

Holly is telling Stephie all about SpencerBoy's antics and Stephie just looks on in horror.

"You're scaring me right now." --StephiePratt
With the most straight-face ever.

You know what? You're scaring me. Both of you.


Heidi 10.0 and K-Cav meet up for some glasses of water. Why else would you go to a restaurant? K-Cav reveals that she and King of the Bromance, Brody, are friends with benefits.

"I think that's one thing Spencer really is missing in his life is Brody." --Heidi 10.0
Yeah, aren't we all? Aren't we all?

K-Cav immediately jumps to talking about SpencerBoy being crazy.

"But, he's a fun crazy." Heidi 10.0
Yeah, aren't we all? Aren't we all?


In a move that leads me to believe RyanHairCabrera is only dating AuddiePat to re-launch his career, AuddiePat heads over to the recording studio. What's super weird though is that these two have the most normal interactions on the show. They might actually like each other. I can't decide. I mean, he won't even go hang out with her croanies. I think it's real.


Yesssssssss, time to par-tay. The crew heads to Wonderland, where they have bottle service and chain wallets galore. Seriously, Bro? A chain wallet? What is this-- Russellville Middle School ala 1997? Please.

Bromance Brody tries to DTR it with AuddiePat in the middle of the bangin' club scene, but not before StephiePratt tries to sell her self-tanning kit to K-Cav. Thank God K-Cav doesn't bite. Can you imagine that disaster?

"I have things to talk to you about that I wasn't able to talk to you about when I had a girlfriend." --Brody
What the what?

"Brody, I have a boyfriend." --AuddiePat

SpencerBoy makes it out to the club and is exactly what a donkey (read: jackass) would be like if it could talk. Brody, offering tons of solid advice, tries to tell SpencerBoy he's stuck in his marriage. Out of left field SpencerBoy yells at AuddiePat, "you're the lamest girl in this club." Well, that's totally true, Spence, but why ya gotta be like that? Brody and SpencerBoy get into it. It's messy.

"You don't know how dangerous I am." --SpencerBoy
No, Spence, I think we do. Your one-way ticket to CrazyAssTown has been cashed. The ship sailed and you were dropped off.


StephiePratt and AuddiePat try to trick us into thinking they are having a meal by sitting down at a table where food is served. They use big words and plot an intervention. But, first AuddiePat and K-Cav are going to sit down with Heidi. StephiePratt acts somewhat concerned about her brother and S-I-L.

"Try to bring me up." --StephiePratt
So much for being concerned about your brother and the crystals of crazyydom.


K-Cav, AuddiePat and Heidi 10.0 meet up to sit at a table. K-Cav really likes Heidi's shorts and Heidi claims to have "made" them. I'm wondering what that means. AuddiePat was weirded out too. As soon as Heidi 10.0 sits down AuddiePat launches into stealth mode.

"An apology for what? .... I think he's just had a lot going on with our families." --Heidi
Do you think maybe, MAYBE it's because you, his wife, got like 36 plastic surgeries?

About the time K-Cav says SpencerBoy is angry and scary, Heidi says, "here's the thing: you don't me. Spencer didn't change me. I changed myself." I beg to differ. This gUrl is about 19 crayons short of even having one crayon. She's nutso.


Yes! Another club scene. E'erybody get silly! AuddiePat's beau is sleeping and is the luckiest person in LA because he's missing this hoppin' scene.

Bromance Brody and K-Cav decide to kiss. NBD.

The Pratties walk in and bring their weird-ass crystals with them. Not only that they've scoured the country for every ring in America to put on their fingers they also succeeded in isolating absolutely every one of the croanies. Who brings crystals to a bar?

"Oh my God. Heidi just pulled out crystals." --StephiePratt

"This one is for genuises." --Heidi 10.0
Well, how did she get it?

"I don't let her go on tv, no computers. The only thing Heidi does is read and write poetry and pray....and pet puppies...and read she is logged out of the matrix." --SpencerBoy
Do we really think Heidi can read or turn on a computer without help? Really? Also, I would love to read some of her poems! Can you imagine? Brilliance, I'm sure. And if she doesn't go on tv how is she on this show?


So, what the hell happened with Bromance and K-Cav that he needed to put on that crop-top? Something happened.

"I think this little thing is good." --K-Cav

"Yeah, but I'm going to be honest: I really like being single." --Brody

Talk about being shut down! Oops!


And now...the pre-intervention meeting. First off, there are currently 6,697,254,041 people in the world. And out of those 6,697,254,041 these five girlies are the last people I'd ever want to rescue me from anything. They are also the last five people I'd ever want to stage an intervention with (for?) me. I'm talking, I'd rather have Kim Jong Il (North Korean dictator, SHOUT OUT) tell me I have a problem than these people.

They think the Pratties are brainwashed and crazy. Holly and StephiePratt go back and forth over whose sibling is worse. Is there really a deciding factor? Both terrible. No question.

"We can't go to there house and make them be better people." --AuddiePat
So true, Auds...and you'd be the last person to make that happen anyway.

In a tough move they all decide to cut the Pratties out of their lives. Too bad the show requires them to be in each other's lives. Don't they read their contracts? How do they keep missing these things? When they make this decision they each say their form of "I'm washing my hands of them" with these little smirks on their faces. It's like they know if they do this correctly they could be nominated for an Emmy. That or get a call from Oprah.


These people give me so much anxiety. But, seriously, have you ever seen a group of people that needed the love of a Savior more than them?

Side note: I feel like Jesus probably rolls his eyes at them a lot. A lot.

the fate of my soul.

I carry a lot of anger around. Most of this anger eventually exits my body through my mouth in the form of phrases like, "I'm going to stab you" or "I swear, I'll throw you into the next large body of water I see" or "You're an asshole."

I didn't have a particularly dark childhood, my daddy issues are simply that I probably think too highly of him and my self-esteem is off the charts, so where does this anger come from? Well, I'll answer that: Gossip Girl and Bravo reality television shows. Where I once thought these shows made me feel better about myself I've come to realize that they are actually driving me to the brink of insanity. Yes, Gossip Girl is the most fake show on television and I can recover from a Monday night episode by Wednesday morning, but the Bravo shows? Those are real people. REAL people who live like that. Real people that I desperately want to grab by the shoulders and scream, "what in the hot hell made you like this?!"

I wish I could lie to you and tell you that I haven't prayed, more than once, for several people on reality television shows and it's no secret that given the opportunity I'd present the bridge diagram to any member of The Hills cast, but I think my soul is dying in the process.

My dad always told me, "don't save a dog's life to risk your own." Meaning, if you're driving and it's you or the dog-- hit the damn dog.

Well, Bravo television-- it's me or you-- and you have to go. My soul feels black. I'm always on the verge of slapping someone and crossing over the Trinity River twice a day is becoming way too big of a temptation. I swear if I could fit my office chair in my car, I'd throw it off the bridge. I just can't live like this anymore.

It's time to part ways. It's time to let go.

Sidenote: I truly see the Lord's provision in guarding my heart from the teen melodrama that is Twilight. I mean, I've never been into stuff like that (fantasy, ie; Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc;), but I also never thought I'd fall prey to the likes of Gossip Girl either.

Peace be with you.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the hills: crazy like an elephant.

We start off this rager of an episode with King of the Bromance, Brody, and K-Cav taking a stroll on the beach. They're discussing their priorities. At the top of the list-- a birthday party at the Pratties for lil' baby Enzo, who is turning six. K-Cav says she might not go, "I don't really like being around Spencer anymore." Anymore? Try ever. Brody sulks over AuddiePat and Ryan Cabrera's relationship, so naturally he and K-Cav decide to cuddle on the beach.


We make our way over to the Pratties, where Heidi 10.0, is planning a birthday party. SpencerBoy, whose acting is getting worse and worse, shows up and acts completely shocked at the sight of someone other than just 10.0 being at his house. He all but throws up because his crazy-ass-wife (CAW) has hired a party planner for some random neighbor boy's birthday party. Can't fault him too much there. I would feel weird about hosting some paid actor's sixth birthday party at my home, too.


The boyz meet up a garage, where Brody invites a new car to go bowling with him. Really, it's an old car. But, whatever. Do these guys really sit around and talk about gUrls like this all the time? I mean...they sound like junior high gUrls. I'm just guessing, but I have strong assumptions that these guys are actually nothing like junior high gUrls. We just never see that side to them. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt, but only because they wear a lot of black, which is a total boy thing to do. Unless you're a depressed junior high gUrl.


The gang decides to blow some steam off at the bowling alley this week. Of course, where else do young Hollywood attention whores go to blow off steam? Bromance Brody is quite the bowler and K-Cav is quite the celebrator. Brody totally feels up K-Cav in front of everyone and she lets him. StacietheBartender, who still shouldn't be around these people, and Frankie have a sit-down with K-Cav and say stupid shit about Brody liking her. The whole scene is almost exactly like what all my junior high bowling experiences were like. Minus the getting felt-up and the celebrating. I usually bowled around a 56 every time I bowled, so there was little to celebrate.

AuddiePat and Joe Simpson's 3rd greatest musical prodigy walk in. In an effort to build himself up, Brody and his boy, CharlieBra, immediately begin making fun of Ryan. Behind his back. Of course. Why would you be nice to someone who so-clearly has no career or future or style and just needs a friend?

"There's no couple between me and Kristen." --Brody
"Ya flirtin' though." --Frankie
If that is what it takes to be in a couple, I know a lot of couples. A lot. Are we seeing the junior parallels again already?

Joe Simpson Junior (JSJ) and AuddiePat are having a sit down and JSJ is desperately trying to figure out the dynamics of the group. Here's a clue: this isn't an actual group. It's a bunch of skeezy young people in Hollywood who get together every few weeks and flim scenes for a television show.

Brody, being the ultimate hater, desperately tries to make AuddiePat jealous and displays an ultimate amount of affection for K-Cav by putting his arm around her in front of AuddiePat! The audacity.

Where this whole bowling fiasco was extremely weird and awkward, the most weird and awkward thing was that K-Cav was drinking wine. Who the hell drinks wine while bowling? I can't imagine walking into a bowling alley and saying, "Let me see your list of cabs."


During the middle of the day, AuddiePat and K-Cav decide to blow off some more steam and go buy shoes. I guess AuddiePat still isn't back in "work mode" after Miami.

Rant: Dear Hills Producers, this is so staged. Do you really think we think AuddiePat and K-Cav are friends? I mean, come on. Like, just one day they decided to put their differences aside and be friends? No way.

AuddiePat asks K-Cav about Enzo's birthday. K-Cav plays hard to get with everyone. She can't commit to anyone who asks her if she's going somewhere. Newsflash, K-Cav: your contract requires you to be at all this stupid shit, so just say you're going. **Apparently, I was wrong. She wasn't required to go to the party. Who knew?

"I'm not going. Spencer's crazy." --AuddiePat
"CRAZY." --K-Cav


Finally, we make it over to the Pratties for the birthday party of the year. Obviously, this six-year-old child needs to be surrounded by Perez Hilton's favorite gang of idiots, so the gang all shows. SpencerBoy is really into the party.

"This is the most fun I've had at a party in a long time. Truly....because this is the first time I've been at a party where there aren't people that I want to murrrrrrrrr-rrr-ddddeeeeeer." --SpencerBoy
Well, that's nice that he doesn't want to murder all the cute little six-year-olds. But, oh wait, the small children that actually are at the party are walking around pretending to murder people.

"Where's your sister?" --Brody
"I have a sister? That was my old life." --SpencerBoy
Your old life, Spence? Just last week you yelled and screamed that this non-existent sister of yours is, in fact, your sister and isn't relevant to your life. In or out, buddy. In or out.

When SpencerBoy notices the little boy pretending to murder all of his innocent little friends at the birthday party he tells the whole gang of people, who in no way should be attending a six-year-old's birthday party, that he's going to send the boy to murder Heidi's mother. Brody, being the inquisitive and caring chap that he is, inquires why and SpencerBoy declares something completely and totally creepy about being raped emotionally.

The conversation continues and the whole gang chimes in to defend Darlene, Heidi's mother, who is NOT God. SpencerBoy isn't having it and starts a rant about God making Heidi. Then, he says he's going to carry Holly off the property if she keeps defending Darlene, who isn't God.

"I need a fu#$@&* drink now." --Holly

I'm willing to bet that type of conversation rarely happens at a birthday party for a small child. Not the drink part, everything else. I bet a lot of people need a drink after a six-year-old's birthday party. Especially that one.

But, my real question is this: where the hell are Enzo's parents? Paid actor or not this child does not need to be around these people. At this point, it'd be better for Enzo to be living on the streets and binge drinking than to be riding an elephant in the Pratt's backyard.


"I want this to be the best relationship ever." --JSJ
"So, are we exclusive?" --AuddiePat
"You mean, you thought we weren't?"
"No, I knew we were."
Was that real? Well, even if it wasn't and JSJ is only on this show to re-start his career, at least JustinBobby isn't around and AuddiePat is "so happy." Props to her for dropping the commando-boots-at-the-beach-wearing idiot.


K-Cav must be in some type of alcohol program because she's drinking wine again. She meets up with Brody, who owns actual clothes and they discuss Enzo's birthday party.

"It was awkward, because I don't know Enzo that well." --Brody
Is that really why it was awkward? Or was it because SpencerBoy is crazy and was threatening to kill everyone while a kid rode an elephant in the background? Toss-up.


About the time we make our way to the Pratties my head is close to exploding. Really close. Which is funny because we were just seconds away from seeing SpencerBoy's head explode, too!

The sisters are discussing elephant shit (literally) when SpencerBoy walks in and declares the vibe in the house is a little tense.

When Holly tells SpencerBoy she felt disrespected for the way SpencerBoy was talking about Darlene, who is not God, SpencerBoy's head literally did that thing that cartoon character's heads do when they get really big and red and steam comes out. No joke.

"For me, that was the best, I was proud of myself, for not doing what I wanted to do to you, because what I wanted to do to you and say to you dear, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I didn't because I was praying. Praying like I do everyday to not say the things that I want to say to you, to your mom..." --SpencerBoy

Finally, SpencerBoy's CAW interrupts him and asks him to calm the hell down. SpencerBoy offers an incredibly heartfelt apology to Holly and then begins another rant about being emotional and saying what he feels. It was all a little much to take in. I'm going to get on anti-depressants soon because of it.

"I didn't say anything negative about your mom." --SpencerBoy
Dude, didn't you say you wanted to send a kid with a gun to Colorado to kill her?

At this point it gets real.

Holly starts quoting scripture (using that phrase loosely) and SpencerBoy tells her, "this isn't Bible study, it's Earth." What? That doesn't even make sense. I've been to Bible study. They all have taken place on Earth. Every single one of them.

"You're not her sister, you're not her friend, you're a liar! You're the biggest poser in this town, you know it and you're GOING TO BURN FOR IT! Go back to your real estate job, you freakin' liar!" --SpencerBoy
"I'm sorry that was really out of line." --Heidi
Wait. What? Is she a poser because she has a real estate job? Now, suddenly, people with actual jobs are posers? There is no rationale to that statement. Oh, what am I saying? He's the most irrational person to ever be born.

"All I do is love you and if he doesn't like me we'll never be ok." --Holly
"That's not true, it doesn't matter if he likes you or not, you can call me!" --Heidi
"I don't even have your number! He's always with you. He scares me!"
"He doesn't scare you."
"He scares me."
What an emotional scene between sisters. Does Holly really not have Heidi's phone number? For serious? If that's true then how did Holly arrange to come over to the PrattPad? And how does that happen? Do they just follow each other on Twitter? Even if that's the case that wouldn't get Holly very far because Heidi's tweets are usually about working out and eating pizza or her "album," which I bet sucks worse than anything else in the world sucks.

Finally, Holly leaves and Spencer screams at her as she walks away. He tells her to walk back to Colorado because nobody wants her in Hollywood. That may be true, but does that really mean she needs to walk back to Colorado?


I need a Xanax.

Friday, May 7, 2010

through my eyes.

One thing I've always known about myself is that I'm different. I'm different than my mom. I'm different than my dad. I'm pretty different than most of my friends. Not weird-freaky different where I think my best clothing options are black shirts adorned with skulls and bleeding hearts and my hair should host streaks of bright blue in it, but you know-- different.

I think some of the most random things are hilarious and people just give me blank stares when I try to explain the humor in it. I'm fine with that.

I'd like to share some things with you that I've witnessed as of late and have captured digitally. I'm fairly certain everyone will see the ridiculousness taking place in these digital images. If you don't, I would politely suggest that you remove the stick from your ass.

I saw this lady scootin' through Dallas yesterday evening. She had on a fairly nice dress, cutesie shoes and her hair was fixed, although it's hard to tell from this image. This woman, who I can only presume is somebody's mother and wife, scooted along next to me for the better part of three minutes. That whole three minutes I was doing everything in my power not to pee on myself. All I could think about was, who IS this lady? Do her children know she's decked out Sunday-school-style riding a scooter down Northwest Highway? Did she fix a meal for her family and then hop on her scooter to go meet her gUrlies for a night out? Do her croanies also own scooters? Is her other car a Volvo wagon? Whatever the answer to these questions, one thing is for sure: this woman is living her life and she clearly has a great attitude about it. Aside from making me laugh hysterically alone in my car, she's also inspired me to be a little more carefree about my life. I mean, I only get to do this once, right?

Yes, this one was taken in Arkansas. You should know that the "H" got cut off and the roof does read, "HAIRCUTS -- CIGARETTES." Again, why not? Why not open an operation that services the needs of a man who craves nicotine and a crew cut? Why not? Today, our society is constantly asking, "Why? WHY?!" Well, I'm borrowing a phrase from the famous philosopher Hillary Duff on this one and asking, "WHY NOT...why not take a crazy chance? Why not do a crazy dance?" Why not do a crazy dance, buy some cigarettes and sit down for a trim at the same time? Why not? More power to the dreamers!

This one is fairly disturbing and was actually sent to me by bestest, Mal-Mal Hardin (SHOUT OUT). Look closely. Keep looking. Yes, that is the Easter Bunny with his disciples having a meal together. You might notice that this meal could actually be their last supper together. WTF? You serious, Clark? Who thought this was alright? Who put this on the good idea list? I'm not ok with the Easter Bunny as it is, but when you throw him and some chicks on a cookie cake and try to sell it to the masses as a religious piece I'm going to go borderline ape shit. But, I'm also going to giggle and crave cookie cake for the better part of the day.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

the hills: crystal crazy train.

Well, another week and another episode.
Another list of reasons to either jump off a bridge or stab yourself.
Take your pick.


We begin with K-Cav trekkin' on over to AuddiePat's for an afternoon, just an afternoon confrontation.

"After Miami, just trying to catch up on my sleep and get back in work mode." --AuddiePat
Work mode?! You and K-Cav are shooting the shit in the middle of the day, in a house, that you clearly cannot afford.

K-Cav is super pumped about AuddiePat getting into work mode and tells her she's having a party. AuddiePat totally wants to bring her new musician boif, Ryan Cabrera.

The shit hit the fan early when K-Cav just kicks the giant elephant in the room and goes right ahead and asks who is spreading rumors about her drug habits-- her parents have heard about it-- this stuff has to stay under wraps.

"Because I didn't go out with you, I'm on drugs?" --K-Cav

I find it completely absurd that those pesky Hills Producers think I believe AuddiePat and K-Cav are friends. Especially when AuddiePat blurts out every opportunity she gets that, "I don't know you that well, Kristin!" Everyone get serious. K-Cav knows the Hills Producers started the "rumors" because they saw her doing a line of coke.


DUI Daughter, StephiePratt, is back behind the wheel and she's not texting and driving, but she is trying to read Lo's phone while driving. Lo gets super pumped about "something somebody sent her," but I'm fairly certain it was an update from TMZ. Not an actual something from an actual somebody. Good try.

The "something" is all about K-Cav's super skinny legs and partying in Miami. Lo and StephiePratt are sad, but excited for the "party."

"Why does Spencer ignore you? He's your brother." --Lo
Who cares, just go with it.


The Pratties, Honey and Dear, are eating at a restaurant. But, I use the term eating loosely. SpencerBoy doesn't want to be around civilians and Heidi just wants a connection with family.


K-Cav, who clearly doesn't have a drinking OR a drug problem, decides it's time to talk to a real friend, so she heads to the bar to talk to StacieTheBartender, who is in the middle of making a drink for absolutely no one because the bar is absolutely empty.

K-Cav has a gut feeling that StephiePratt is spreading "those" rumors and she needs a drink. Like I always say, when people think you're a druggie-alcoholic with skinny legs you should hang out in bars and then invite people who you think are spreading the rumors to a party at your house. Works like a charm. Fight fire with fire.

Still having a hard time accepting that StacieTheBartender is a regular on this show.


We meet up with King of the Bromance, Brody, and his croanie, Frankie, at the river court. They just want to shoot some hoops (poorly) and talk about girls. It's what all normal 20-somethings do in the middle of the day.

Why does Brody have issues (from the past) with Ryan Cabrera? That's like me having issues with a My Little Pony.


Finally, the party of the century begins and all of LA descends upon Casa De Cav Nasty. It's a really hopping party that everyone keeps calling a barbecue, but I saw no signs of actual barbecue. Hell, I didn't even see a grill.

StacieTheBartender wants to know where AuddiePat and CabCab met. Bromance Brody brings in a 24-pack of Bud Light and SpencerBoy, always wanting to out-do people, brings a giant ass crystal and his stupid-ass wife.

After a round of surgery hugs from Heidi, SpencerBoy puts it this way, "crystals have calmed me down a lot."

Finally, K-Cav and AuddiePat confront Bride of Frankenstein (BoF). Immediately K-Cav grabs one of Heidi's boobs.

"Are you done? You're done." --AuddiePat
"Well, I don't know. I might get my boobs done again. I want H's for Heidi." --BoF
This idiotic statement was met with a look of pure horror from AuddiePat. AuddiePat does have emotions and we just saw them for the first time.

Finally, Brody confronts SpencerBoy about the shit dangling from his neck.

"This is the key to the Atlantis." --SpencerBoy

At the ever-so-perfect moment of K-Cav being pissed about the "rumors" going around and letting BoF in on the drama, StephiePratt and Lo-Lo walk into the party.

"Your sister is over there." --Brody

"Will people stop referring to her as my sister? We have not seen birth certificates. We have not seen evidence." --SpencerBoy
That's harsh for even you, Spence. And do you think she likes going around town being known as your sister? I'd say it's worse for her.

Again, K-Cav kicks the giant elephant in the room and asks straight up, "Are you guys going around telling people a bunch of stuff that didn't happen?" StephiePratt says IF K-Cav was doing drugs she would respect K-Cav and not tell people she was because she knows about the stigma attached to drug use. What. the. hell. So, you'd just let your "friend" do drugs and NOT tell anyone...because of the "stigma" attached to it. Sure, alright.

Lo-Lo convinces StephiePratt to talk to SpencerBoy before they leave the party. It turns out to be the worst idea in the history of ideas since somebody cast AuddiePat in an actual, budgeted movie that was released to the public for its viewing pleasure.

Literally, SpencerBoy goes ape shit because his non-confirmed sister decides to be cordial and utter a phrase in his direction. It was the most awkward thing I've ever seen on television.

"What are you crying about Stephanie? What the F are you crying about? That's why you're not in my life, you crazy bitch, because you come to barbeques and just start crying! I was enjoying time with my wife and I get crying sisters in front of me!" --SpencerBoy

"She just wanted to say hi." --Lo

First off, SpencerBoy says to StephiePratt that she is his sister, so I guess it has been confirmed and he's just not happy about the results. Second, what the hell, dude? Spence was making crazy eyes, yelling about StephiePratt being relevant, which let's be honest, she is the exact opposite of relevant, but come on! That was all a little dramatic and a little weird. AuddiePat confirms that SpencerBoy is off his rocker.


Lo and StephiePratt meet up for a meal and absolutely no food was eaten. They seriously just sit at restaurants and gossip.


And, in what could be the most real conversation to ever happen on this show, CharlieBra tries to speak to SpencerBoy about his crystals.

Spence just doesn't like that his family and his wife's family are trying to be involved in his life. The crystals aren't working and he's clearly forgotten all about the Gospel he was so hyped up about six months ago.

"What are you going to do, build the biggest walls and just guard yourself off from reality forever?" --CharlieBra

"I'm trying. That's why I'm trying to keep it in my crystals." --SpencerBoy

"Well, I don't think the crystals are working, man, cause you're hyperventilating over here. Why don't you take them off? You're crazy. You've lost it." --CharlieBra
Finally, somebody with some common sense has spoken into Spence's life. What is up with the crystals and the hippie clothes and the weird bird feathers? I mean, this is a whole new direction I didn't see coming. At all. SpencerBoy looks like a school janitor with all the shit he has dangling from his clothes. Just substitute keys and key rings for crystals and potions.

It's completely obvious this lifestyle have turned The Pratties into a real, live, straight-up freak show. I can see the marquee now: Crystal Boy of Doom and Bride of Frankenstein coming to a town near you!

Spencer's got a ticket for one on the crazy train. His wifey redeemed her ticket and is already half-way there and back.


StephiePratt and K-Cav meet up and for some idiotic reason StephiePratt thinks they are meeting at a restaurant to eat. TO EAT?! StephiePratt, restaurants are not for eating! They are for background shots!

"We don't have to be best friends!" --K-Cav
False. According to the show's contracts you do.

"What? Are you drunk right now?" --StephiePratt

The conversation between StephiePratt and K-Cav was like watching two 8th graders argue. I can't even put any more effort into talking about it.


I'm going to need to be drunk to watch the rest of this season.

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