Tuesday, September 29, 2009

the hills: not so welcome back.

The piece of shit show that I love to hate is back. Not bigger. Not better. More annoying. More frustrating. LC is gone. And K-Cav is in. I have a new job which will probably result in less blog recaps, but for now...


We begin at Tart. The gUrlies are sitting around talking about K-Cav, the evil she-princess.

"Yeah, I know she was like Brody's first girlfriend and he got her a dog and I was like, Brody doesn't have girlfriends."-- StephiePratt

"She's easy to get in a fight with." --Lo
"Like, physical?" -- StephiePratt
"Is she gonna be our friend now?" --Audrina

Why, yes, Audrina, she IS going to be your friend, but not because you want her to be or because you like her, but because your life is controlled by PRODUCERS. Welcome to a false reality, I hear the water's great.


Spence got himself a new car, yet still has the same facial hair.

"We're married, we're not like tequila-crazy-people." --Mrs. Spencer Pratt

Heidi goes on and on about all the people that can come to the party. Why can they all come? I don't understand what happened that all of those people can come but they couldn't before?

"Justin Bobby's gonna get swooooooped." --Spence


We fly over to Brody's condo where Jay-de, the nasty, is struttin' around in nothing with green strips. They are fighting over K-Cav. Of course. The relationship between K-Cav and Brodster has meant nothing to this show until now.

Oh, The Hills, I loathe you.


We spot her.
I think she's driving Lauren's old car from the first season, you know, the one with the giant-ass pink suitcase in the back.

Cue the pool party.
The party the Pratts are hosting for themselves. I can dig that.

"My job is to make sure he's happy." --Mrs. Spencer Pratt
Gag me with a beef stick made of cheese.

K-Cav, walks in and claims randomness. She hugs Brodster. Hell doesn't break loose.

"As a friend you don't go there." --Audrina to StephiePratt, on JustinBobby
Dear Audrina, see above. You aren't actually friends. This is television.

StephiePratt and K-Cav get into almost instantly. Audrina interjects and suddenly, The Hills has seen more cuss words in 22 seconds than its seen in 4 previous seasons. Family friendly no more.

"It's gonna be like this? It's gonna be like this. It's gonna be like this. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS. Cause, if it's gonna be like this, it's f^&^**^ on, dude." --K-Cav
K-Cav, you already answered your own question: it's gonna be like this. But, my question: what is going to be like this? And what is this like?


Auds and StephiePratt are breaking down the psycho bitch at a coffee shop. But, no coffee is seen. StephiePratt, of course, changes the subject and invites Auds to a party. Will K-Cav show? Well, I don't know...does a bear shit in the woods?

"How does one person turn all of our lives upside down?" --StephiePratt
"She can't if you don't give her the power to do it." --Auds
Boom. Roasted. Too bad you gave some producers the power to do it. K-Cav OWNS you. And your soul.


Spence and Mrs. Spencer Pratt are looking for a house. Spencer looks like a complete and total lunatic. Can you even buy cowboy hats in LA? Apparently not, it looks a piece of shit was dropped on SpencerBoy's head.


Ole! Fiesta time! Happy Birthday, Frank. How old is too old to be wasting away your life on MTV? Think about that as you blow out the candles on your next birthday cake.

So, JustinBobby and K-Cav are having a fun and flirty little convo and who else is participating? None other than Stacy, the slutty bartender! What. in. the. world?

They go across the street to watch the Lakers game and JustinBobby looks like a 9th grader in a class full of seniors while staring at K-Cav. Could this be any more forced?


The Pratts are house hunting again and Spence cleaned his head and his face. Spence put down a deposit on the house.

"It's my way or the lame way." --Spence


Uh-oh, the gUrlies are having a w(h)ine night!

"Her own ego is going to destroy herself." --Auds
Wait, what? Yes, ok.

Auds got the news from StephiePratt that K-Cav and JustinBobby "probably" went home together. Auds' face looked like a small child on Christmas who just learned that Santa isn't real and fake Santa killed their puppy.

K-Cav throws out relationship advice to JustinBobby and exclaims that Auds is in love with JustinBobby. And the flirty fun continues. My life, however...not continuing. In a roundabout way K-Cav invited JustinBobby into her bed, which leads me to believe that next week shit is going to go down. I can't guarantee I'll watch.

this is america II.

As promised...the next installment of "This is America. Bless it."

So, yesterday I'm driving home from work and I'm not in the best part of town, but I'm not in the worst part of town either. For example: a little over a year ago my completely unloved and terribly overused Chevy Malibu (pronounced Mah-lu-BOO) broke down, and I mean quit working, on the side of Interstate 35. I was just a few exits away from my office, but I called my Reg and he immediately said, "get somewhere safe," I came back with a jolly, "the only place less safe than here is Hell." If a similar scene would have happened yesterday I would have said, "There are only two places less safe than this: the place my car died the last time and Hell." So, anyway. You get the point about the quality of the neighborhood.

As I'm stopped at a stoplight my eye is drawn over to the sidewalk where a man and a woman were exiting a store. This is an everyday occurrence, not only in America, but the world. Had this man and woman been arm-in-arm or holding hands or had their hands on each other's butt cheeks I wouldn't have looked twice, but no...no, this man and this woman exited the store sharing an electric wheelchair. The man had "wheeled" himself out of the door as the woman held the door open for her beloved and then proceeded to take a load off and sit on the man's lap. Yes, that's right the woman, who had two working legs, clearly couldn't bear to walk any longer and needed a ride in the lap of her lover's electric wheelchair.

The story ends there because the light turned green, but I'd like to think they rode off into the sunset and are currently living happily.

**Lately I've been seeing a lot of electric wheelchairs around town. More and more I am seeing as many people with electric wheelchairs as I am people with bicycles. I'm always worried that one of these days one of the wheelchair operators is going to lose control and get too close to traffic or something...well, about a week ago I saw a man in an electric wheelchair (tricked out with one of those tall, bright orange flags like ones that are on soccer fields or go-carts) sitting at a stoplight in the right-hand lane just waiting on the light to turn green. He was obeying the traffic laws just like every other motorized vehicle around him and no one was paying him any attention. I mean, what in the world? That's not ok. That's terribly dangerous. And only in America would drivers sit idly by and watch a man maneuver his way through rush hour traffic in an electric wheelchair.

This IS America. Bless it.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

age is relative.

I'm dangerously close to turning 26. I have a car payment. I pay taxes. I pay my car insurance. All of that to me means I'm an adult. I'm not very good at being an adult because I'd still rather spend my money on walkie talkies than put it into savings, but day-by-day I'm getting the hang of it more and more.

This morning I was up way earlier than normal, so I decided to catch up on the latest episode of Gossip Girl. It pains me to let the internetS know that I watch that show. See the above for why.

After Gossip Girl ended and I found myself thinking out loud, "How does Serena's hair always look messy, but clean..." I changed the channel to MTV while I readied myself for work and the adult world of insurance policies and phone calls that involve phrases like, "Let me crunch some numbers and check some files and get back to you." As I was getting ready and listening to MTV a P!nk song came on. Like most of her jamz it was kind of catchy-- something about clowns, burning stuff down and eating lettuce out of a hat. I caught a glimpse of the video. She was marching around a house on fire and clowns were eating strawberries and people were playing hopscotch (OR SOMETHING). I sat and watched aghast: how is it ok for an adult to act like this? I mean, I'm all for being a kid at heart and having fun and throwing stuff off of bridges, but come on-- when is it time to just be responsible? Can't P!nk make music and be a musician without acting all crazy-freak? Maybe that's her M.O. and I'm just now catching on.

Who knows, really.

I think I'm just really frustrated because, seriously, I watch Gossip Girl and that's just something I never thought I'd do or enjoy. I mean, when is it going to end? When is the Lord Jesus going to answer my prayers? When is he going to rid me of this love for terrible pop music and trashy teenage television shows?

I guess this is just my cross to bear.

Monday, September 21, 2009


I feel like there are very few guarantees in life. Very few for certains. Very few things I can look at and always count on. It's just the nature of the beast (life). It's nothing to be bitter about, but rather something that makes me appreciate (or not appreciate) the things that actually are always for certain.

I would like to appreciate (or not appreciate) those things today.

The Razorbacks
The Razorbacks are always for certain going to lead you one way and immediately turn around and leave you desolate and confused somewhere. Here I am, 26 years (I count my time in the womb) into being a fan and I'm still shocked that the Razorbacks are losing games they should be winning. But, it's for certain that I'm going to continue to put my heart, my soul and my monies beyond these little piggies. Always.

Friday Afternoon Traffic
It's for certain, always, that Friday afternoon traffic is going to suck. Plain and simple. Cold hard fact. No getting around it. So, why is it that I'm always extremely pissed off and overwrought with grief when it takes me two hours to get to Plano on a Friday at 6pm? When will I learn to accept it as fact, when I already know it's fact? When I will stop the fist pumps and long strands of cuss words? I want to appreciate that this is a certain when very few things are.

I would also like to pay homage to these things this morning, for always, always, always hitting the nail on the head and continually raising my hopes on society, life and my outlook on the ever-changing, ever-not-so-certain world: The Lord Jesus Christ, Google, pizza, queso, Chi hair products, the checks and balance system put in place by our Founding Fathers, reality television shows on BravoTV, fleece vests, PhotoShop, the state of Arkansas and iPods.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

idle threats.

Oh, Twitter, you never cease to entertain me. You bring me face-to-face via 140 character messages with the likes of Paula Abdul, Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson's mother and all my favorite local television personalities. Twitter, you are pure entertainment and I'm beyond thankful that I have you in my life, because, like Facebook, you allow me to feel better about myself while mocking others. Twitter, if I go to hell because of this mocking, I'm quite confident you'll be there with me. You and Texts From Last Night.

Recently, as in yesterday, on Twitter I posted a "tweet" to a former celebrity A-lister's mother. The former A-lister: Lindsay Lohan. The former A-lister's mother: Dina Lohan. I follow Dina Lohan on Twitter for one simple reason: she makes crazy look like a lazy Sunday. I was first introduced to Dina, via E! Entertainment's own reality television show version of crack, Living Lohan. Fortunately, or unfortunately for some, Living Lohan only aired for one season. And what a shame for those of us addicts.

Initially, I didn't pay too much attention to her tweets...and then...she posted these...

sometimes i want to give up stop fighting but then i think of gahndi and when he said "he who not sinned cast the first line to fish" if i g
5:41 AM Apr 4th from web

if eveyrone who sinned can't fish then who would cast the line??? exactly NOONE!! because we all have made mistakes but we also need fish an
5:45 AM Apr 4th from web

bottom line if we don't have the fish then we all die if this doesn't make sense to you then you need Bible lessons, forgive the sinners cas
5:46 AM Apr 4th from web

if you dont have your Bible around then just do an ask jeeves search you will understand, no fish then we die, no sinners then no fish FORGI
5:49 AM Apr 4th from web

are Bible verses censored now lessons from the Lord??? at the very least can i not give wisdom to people about the need for fish and forgivn
5:51 AM Apr 4th from web

iT MIGHT BE A MUte point at this point but if tech support would at least not censor my blogs about our Lord and the Bible and be good peopl
6:29 AM Apr 4th from web

a Bible lesson once in a while to keep you GORUNDED and humble is not a bad thing and remember the fish, if everyone is perfect who will cas
3:30 PM Apr 4th from web

Those are straight from her Twitter, no making that stuff up. Clearly, you can see why I was intrigued. And when she posted this gem, I was hooked.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

you can't be serious/ i'd like to punch most americans.

Alright, alright...if you know me personally or you've read this blog, say, ever you know that I'm not drinking the Obama kool-aid. But, you also know that I'm not drinking a lot of anyone's kool-aid (I'm speaking to you especially, Mr. Glenn Beck and even more so to you, Miss Brittany Mayes).

So, yesterday our boy, 44, gave a speech to America's school children. The speech was supposed to be broadcast in every classroom in every school in the nation. But, then some idiot parents got their republican, Fox-News-watching panties in a wad and started an uproar, which led to a lot of schools not broadcasting the speech forcing thousands of children to sit through the school day without a 15-minute break to watch television.

When I first got wind of these extremely over-dramatic and definitely no-spin-zone loving parents not wanting the President of the (freakin') United States to speak directly to their child for fear of political brainwashing I was absolutely astonished! I mean, COME ON. It's not like Obama and his team of boyz sat up one night talking about ways to undermine America and said, "Let's start with six-year-olds!" And I seriously doubt baby mama Michelle came up with the idea by saying, "We gotta get 'em young, like tobacco!"

No way. The man, our President, was simply trying to encourage (see: to spur on; inspire with courage, spirit or hope) America's young school children to get an education, to work hard, to believe that they can accomplish things. He encouraged them to set goals for their education. Holy crap! Set goals? Work hard? Believe in your abilities? Turn that shit off and get back to the math!

Let's be honest, these parents who were so against this were probably looking for a few minutes of fame and really wanted to talk about their glory days of being the lead in their school's seventh period production of Fiddler on the Roof or the time they scored six points in the JV game against their cross-town rivals. And I seriously doubt half the parents even know what their kids are learning on a daily basis anyway. Plus, it's the beginning of the year and we all know nothing really starts happening in school until at least October.

If you're one of these parents who thinks the President should stay out of child's education, then I also hope that you won't be asking Mr. President for any money or food or health care.

Beggers can't be choosers.

Also, I still don't want any of 44's money, food, health care or Kool-Aid.
Unless it's tropical punch flavored.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

on death and dying.

This afternoon, my little precious friend, Staley (SHOUT OUT), sent me her current class assignment for the class Death and Dying. First off, I'm pretty sure this class would hurl me into a deep depression and second, I don't think you can actually learn about death or dying until you're personally affected by it. You can say all day what you think you would do in a certain situation, but really-- when that situation rolls around and all hell breaks loose who knows what you'd do.

Here's the assignment, it's titled "The Trolley Problem," and I'd agree that this trolley is causing one hell of a problem.

  1. A trolley is hurtling down a track towards five people. You can divert it onto a separate track. On this track is a man. Flipping the switch will kill the man and save the five. Would you flip the switch?
    You know what? I'm not flipping the switch. There's a million reasons as to why I'm not flipping the switch, but mainly, I'm not switching it because I'm thinking, "what the hell are those people doing laying down on the tracks and why am I in charge of this?" I'm not going to flip it because I'm not responsible for those people being on the tracks, I'm just responsible for the switch and I'm not touching the switch.

  2. A trolley is hurtling down a track towards five people. You are on a bridge under which it will pass, and you can stop it by dropping a heavy weight in front of it. As it happens, there is large man next to you - your only way to stop the trolley is to push him over the bridge and onto the track, killing him to save five. Would you proceed?
    Um, are you kidding? There's no way, adrenaline pumping or not, that I can lift a heavy man over the railing of a bridge. I'm absolutely not pushing this man over. What makes this man's life any less significant than the five people? I mean, in this situation, this man's only sin is his portly stature and these people? Well, they are laying on train tracks, or in this case trolley tracks.

  3. SAME AS #1 EXCEPT the person on the track is your (brother/ sister/ son/ daughter/ mother/ father)? Would you flip the switch?
    No way is anyone in my family dumb enough to volunteer for this and there's no way anyone in my family would ever considering testing someone else in my family on this one. I mean, my brother once chased me around my yard with a baseball bat screaming, "I'm going to kill you!" Those people are dying. Plain and simple. COWLING RULES!

  4. SAME AS #2 EXCEPT the five men on the tracks are homeless and addicted to drugs, the large man has committed no crime and has two children. What would you do?
    I'm still not pushing the man off the damn bridge and who put these homeless men on the train tracks? I wouldn't care if they weren't homeless. The fat man is living. If you're laying on train tracks when a train (err, trolley) comes by, I say: wrong place, wrong time.

  5. You are hiding in a time of war. There are 14 persons with you. One is your 6-month old child. She begins to cry. Her crying will reveal your location and the soldiers outside will come in and kill all 15 of you. Would you stifle your child’s cries to the point of fatal suffocation?
    Ab.so.lute.ly. not. Who would do this? I mean, I'm sure my parents wanted to when I was like, seven, but really? And why are we hiding? Are we the Franks? How did 15 people get in one really awesome hiding spot? I bet someone else would kill my baby before I would, but it'd really piss me off.

So, I'm pretty much saying I hope I never see a fat man on a bridge, because I know if I do I'm going to have to choose between a man who loves his amino acids and five men who just love to trip on acid.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

text of the day.

By now, everyone knows the story of the Duggar Family (morally right, hairfully wrong). Today they announced they are expecting their 19th child. Yes, 19. That's one short of 20 and one more than 18. That's about 14 kids more than normal. But, they've been pretty far from normal for years now.

My dear friend, Lauren, is a few days short of her first (just one) child turning six months old. Lauren was pregnant for nine months, Mrs. Duggar is a regular baby factory and has been preggers 12 years out of her 42 on this Earth. BUT, that is not stopping Lauren. I received this text from her this morning after she heard the announcement, "My ears are open! I was also inspired earlier by the duggars...preggers with #19! I'm going to beat them!"

She decided to go public with this goal, which was not an easy decision, so let's all support her and rally around her decision to beat the Duggars. Give 'em hell, Lauren!

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