Tuesday, December 29, 2009

against my better judgement.

The past couple of years at Christmas I've taken a stab at doing the Christmas card thing. You know, a cutesy picture of me, by a tree, in a turtleneck wishing you and yours a merry one. Not really. I've just tried to get on the bandwagon of Christmas mailings even though I'm single, have no children, no dogs to take a photo with (which, I would never do) and no claim to fame that would make anyone excited to receive a Christmas card from me.

I just don't think all the single ladies should be limited to wishing people a Merry friggin' Christmas via the typical mass text. No, I wanted to do what everyone else is doing and send a family Christmas letter.

Against my better judgement I'm posting the letter I sent out.
Most of it, anyway. It's a long one.

Merry (late) friggin' Christmas.

Dear Friends,

Here we are again, that familiar time of year where all is merry and bright. That time of year where the people on the street have a bell to ring rather than just a sign. Yes, it’s Christmas time.

The year of 2009 (the year of the ox, according to the Chinese calendar) was a big one for me. It was a year of many firsts, lots of routine activities, several “never again” and a few extremely interesting experiences.

2009 presented me with my first opportunity to visit New York City, where I attended my first Yankees game. I also traveled to Philadelphia (which was a spot of many firsts for this great nation of mine) for the first time where I marveled at the historic sites and took an individual photo more times than I’d like to admit. I also ate a dipped chocolate chip cookie for the first time. This produced a sugar high like nothing I’ve ever eaten and certainly proved to be an interesting experience for those with me. I went to the hospital on March 11 to serve as a fill-in sister for a dear friend and was one of the first people to welcome a precious baby into the world. This baby is in no way related to me (minus that she’s my sister in Christ), but I have found that I love her with an unconditional love that I have only experienced with pizza, vodka drinks and the internetS. Other notable firsts for 2009 included, but are not limited to: first Celine Dion concert, first Beyonce concert, first time to wear a real women’s watch rather than an over-sized men’s watch with a dirty band, first time to live alone, first time to want to hug George W. Bush after seeing protestors in Dallas when he moved back, first time to consume alcohol on an airplane, first time to eat onions and lettuce on hamburgers and sandwiches and of course, my first time to bring a boy home, fall in love and have my heart broken (I mean, you can’t win them all. And I know that for a fact because I played high school basketball on a team that once lost by 68 points).

Upon reflection, the routine activities are the ones I am most thankful for in 2009. Where it was extremely exciting to experience onions on a sandwich for the first time in 2009 it was even more rewarding to have the routine of waking up every morning, going to a job that I don’t hate, regularly visiting Arkansas and being received countless times with open arms, attending a plethora of weddings and seeing dear friends make a lifetime commitment, attending more than one Razorback game where they met every one of my expectations by letting me down right when I found myself hopeful and of course there’s the daily routine of washing, drying and brushing my pretty-much perfect head of hair. Yes, it’s the routine and every day activities that prove to be the most fulfilling because they serve as a daily reminder of how blessed I am.

What would a year be if some lessons weren’t learned along the way? After a few not-so-awesome moments it can be rest assured that I will never again watch the HBO show, “True Blood,” nor will I ever give 10 bucks to the homeless lady by my office and expect her to remember me the next day and not continue to ask for money, I won’t “reply-all” to an email without first checking who I am replying-all to and I won’t volunteer to be on my office’s party planning committee unless I actually want to plan some parties.
This year also proved to be full of some really interesting incidents. For example, one day I was driving to the grocery store and after switching lanes by correctly using my turn signal to caution other drivers that I was, in fact, switching lanes this other driver took it upon herself to follow me to the grocery store and get out of her car and point her finger at me as if it were a gun and then mouth a not-so-friendly phrase to me. There was also a really interesting conversation with my boss that resulted in a promotion and a lot more responsibility. That was probably the most interesting thing that happened this year besides the time I saw a midget riding a BMX bike down Interstate 35. Or the time a 56-year-old doctor told me he would take me out for Valentine’s day and would take me shopping.

As you can probably infer 2009 was kind of a big year for me personally and professionally. You can figure that out just because I used the word professionally outside of my job.

In conclusion, I do hope this letter finds each of you well and that if your stockings are hung by the fireplace, that they really are hung with care, because I would hate for them to catch on fire. I also hope that during this time of year you are taking time to celebrate the fact that Jesus Christ was born and brought into this world so that each of us could have life everlasting in Him.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Signed with much fervor,


Monday, December 21, 2009


I have a wandering mind. Often, the places my own mind takes me is frightening. Whether I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone else or just thinking to myself, I regularly have to say, "Where the hell did that come from?"

It's a blessing and a curse. A curse when you're on the same team as me during charades or catch phrase. The word or phrase could be, sleeping baby and my teammate could be motioning "shhh" and have their arms like they are cradling a baby and I would probably yell, "TOUCHDOWN!" or "The Verizon guy-- can you hear me now?" Which would send me into another fit of diarrhea of the mouth.


Yesterday, I was sitting in church and the sermon was almost finished. Suddenly, I thought, What if Jesus' name was Robert? I spent the rest of my day on this subject.

What if the text we will all read later this week was actually, But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name ROBERT.

Can you imagine?

Oh, to be more like Robert...

Friday, December 18, 2009

worst. christmas. ever.

There was a time, which now seems like long ago, when my family would pack up the ole family truckster (in our case, a '92 Chevy Lumina APV [two-tone, mind you]) and head to my grandmother's house for Christmas.

My parents never brought our gifts down for us to open on Christmas morning, so my brosef and I usually got to go through our stockings and then open up our one present from our grandmother-- always a sweatshirt and matching sweatpants. And I'm talking sweats. Not cute ones either. And mine were usually too small, so they were more like spandex. We'd get cash (hundred dolla bills, y'all) out of the stocking and underwear, too. This was the same. Every. Single. Year.

It was routine and I was very used to not really opening up too many presents on Christmas morning at my Grandmother's, even though my cousins always had their presents to open. One year, two of my cousins got up at 2am and discovered new bikes for themselves. I discovered a six-pack of Hanes-Her-Way that I'm confident I could still fit into today, because I'm pretty sure my grandmother always just bought the same size of underwear for me that she bought for herself.

The very last Christmas I ever spent with the whole family down at my grandmother's was during high school. I knew I had no presents to open, but every year I held out hope that my parent's would go ape-shit-crazy and surprise my brother and me with a crock-pot or something as equally as special.

When I woke up on this particular morning and walked into the living room my father met me with a smile on his face. He grabbed me and said, "Go look out in the yard. There's a surprise for you. I got you a car!" Now, this was the definition of ape-shit-crazy. My father, the man who had convinced me my whole life that he was broke and I was quickly sending him to bankruptcy because of my love of expensive Nike basketball shoes had surprised me with a new car?!

I ran outside and didn't see anything new. He told me to look on the side of the house. And there it was: a Chevy Lumina (the car, not the van). It had run off the road the night before and instead of driving out of the ditch, the driver left it there in my grandmother's yard and my father thought he'd tell me that this was his surprise to me. Talk about being devastated. Not only was that car not mine, but had it been, I think I would've been even more disappointed than I already was.

Merry Christmas, there's a car in the ditch for you.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

crimmas list.

Seeing as how "Christmas comes this time each year" and every year I am asked for a Christmas list, I'd like to share it with the internetS. You may remember all of the things I asked for last year. Well, I just went back over it and I didn't get one single thing on that list. Not. One. Single. Thing.

To Whom it May Concern,

The season of giving and gladness is upon us and this year, being no different than any other, I'm expecting big things. Big things in the form of materialistic shit that will be wrapped in paper and placed under the family tree. There have been years where you've really pulled out all the stops: remember the six-disc CD changer and dual tape deck? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. No holds barred, no questions asked, go big or go home.

In no particular order, please accept my wishes for Christmas 2009.

1. Any and all Taylor Swift songs to no longer be played on repeat on every single radio station ever.
2. The ability to fly.
3. A puppy that stays a puppy forever. I'll name it "Christmas" and they'll make a movie about it, called, "A Puppy Named Christmas."
4. A joint checking account with someone.

Thanks and love,

This was obviously a Christmas where my needs were not met.

Monday, December 7, 2009

'tis the season.

Admittedly, I've haven't been keeping up with the spirit of the season this year. The words, "to be jolly" have made me all but double-over in pain and every single gift I have bought has been sporadic (see: compulsive) and over the internetS. Now, I'm not trying to be all bah-humbug and lame ass, I'm just being real.

However, I see a change coming on...I think I'm regaining a bit of a pep in my step and I think it's because of a little song by Destiny's Child called, Spread a Little Love on Christmas Day. This is one of the most real songs ever written about Christmas, because Beyonce wants to know, not if you'll give her a gift or celebrate the birth of our Savior, no...she wants to know if you'll have her back on Christmas day.

I mean, how often is it that we get wrapped up in the gifts and the joy and the family time and forget about making sure your back is covered? I say, all too often, all too often, my friends.

So, during this time of friends, family, food, over-consumption of alcoholic beverages, Zhu-Zhu pets, puff paint sweaters and good cheer, please remember to make sure someone has your back-- I mean, what could be more painful than sitting under the tree on Christmas Eve without the supreme comfort of someone having your back.

Think about it.


It's beautiful outside and the wind is whistling
I look outside my window as I see my neighbor's Christmas tree
The snow is falling, my spirit's feeling happy
I'm feeling even better cause I got my family next to me

I gotta thank my Lord, thank you Lord
Thanks for what I have, thanks for what I got
I couldn't ask for more, wouldn't ask for more
God I am so glad, Thanks for what I got

Some think I am blessed just because of the
Amount written on my check not because of the
Amount of my happiness is the reason
Why I am so blessed
Having me a Merry Christmas
Feliz Navidad
And having me a Merry Kwanzaa
Happy Hanukkah

Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day

Somewhere high up in the sky my Santa Clause is coming
With Donner, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, keeping Randolph coming
He's bringing goodies, to the ghettos and the hoodies
To mansions and suburban places and apartment kiddies

Representing Houston, Texas
ATL, Illinois ladies
Chillin with Rosie O'Donnell
Having a good time we clownin

Some think I am blessed just because of the
Amount written on my check not because of the
Amount of my happiness is the reason
Why I am so blessed
Having me a Merry Christmas
Feliz Navidad
And having me a Merry Kwanzaa
Happy Hanukkah

Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Do you have my back on Christmas day!
Yes I got your back on Christmas day!
Do you have my back on Christmas day?
Girl i got your back on Christmas day!
You got my back? (I got your back.)


My youngsters, teenagers, my Mommas, my Poppas
My sisters, my brothers, Grandmothers, Grandfathers
My uncles, my aunties, my nephews, my nieces
I hope you, I hope you're ready for the season
And I hope you heard one thing I had to say
Laugh, love, care, share, bring peace and pray
Bring lots of happiness and joy to someone's day
We're gonna spread a little love on Christmas Day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day
Spread a Little Love on Christmas day...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

first works III.


A smile is like a sunny day,
they almost never go away.
Always bright and beautiful,
the sun makes me smile,
and smiles make me happy.
A smile is like a sunny day.

I have to be honest, that one is just embarrassing.

The Car

The car's bright blue,
like the ocean.
The car is fast,
like a speeding bullet.
The car's windows twinkle at me,
like the bright city lights.
The car's headlights stare at me,
like two glowing cat's eyes.
The car.

What the F? Glowing cat's eyes?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

first works II.

Yes, there's more where that came from.


Nature is beauty,
nature is clear,
nature is an ever going cheer.
Nature never ceases,
always ready for battle.
Nature is beauty,
nature is clear.

Wait, I'm sorry-- what?! Nature is always ready for battle? Is that true? I feel like in most cases nature is fairly defenseless. I mean, erosion?

My Life

My life is so dull,
I need a new lull.
I talk a little,
walk a little,
sing some too,
sometimes I go to the zoo.
But, it'll change,
when I change too.

What will change? Seriously, I'd love to go talk to my 7th grade self.

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