tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8118777717234271922024-03-12T18:07:53.727-05:00lc blogslchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.comBlogger531125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-3897765166482701852013-05-08T09:33:00.001-05:002013-05-08T09:37:19.772-05:00(d)evolve.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I don't want to make assumptions here (because we'll both end up an asshole), but isn't it safe to assume that the majority of people go through life trying to be a better person with each passing day? Most people are always looking to improve their current situation, right?</div>
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This is very true for me. I always want to be better, always want to be growing. I'm just really into general, overall improvement. </div>
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Enter my problem.</div>
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I'm quickly approaching 30 years of age and evaluating my past years with a certain amount of scrutiny. Upon evaluation I'm starting to notice that I've either devolved as a human OR haven't changed a single fraction. </div>
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"Is this possible," I've asked myself lately over a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Is it really possible to work at being a better version of your 6th grade self, yet you're still sitting somewhere with your hair in half of a ponytail eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes with your legs covered in bruises? Just like you were 16 years ago?</div>
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Let's evaluate. </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MLXNz_S20so/UYpcIgHusLI/AAAAAAAALJA/Wbc3vz6SoxM/s1600/loafers_new.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MLXNz_S20so/UYpcIgHusLI/AAAAAAAALJA/Wbc3vz6SoxM/s320/loafers_new.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> (L) 29 (R) 6</b></div>
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<i>Loafers with shorts, awkward pose, clearly no idea what to do with my hands. </i></div>
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Conclusion: No clear change</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Gj4modO7EwA/UYpcg79XmzI/AAAAAAAALJU/E7rcoc241dY/s1600/books.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Gj4modO7EwA/UYpcg79XmzI/AAAAAAAALJU/E7rcoc241dY/s320/books.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> (L) 13 (R) 29</b></div>
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<i>Way too excited about books no one my age should be excited about. Seriously, what 13-year-old is SO interested in Anne Frank that she asks for more than one book about her for their birthday? Not pictured, is another book my grandmother got me about her for this birthday, as well. </i></div>
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<i>This last Christmas I got a book about James Monroe. James Monroe. </i></div>
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Conclusion: No clear change</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NHVD1B2bEqQ/UYpcg_66bRI/AAAAAAAALJM/IsXhkthLTpA/s1600/exhibitA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="138" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NHVD1B2bEqQ/UYpcg_66bRI/AAAAAAAALJM/IsXhkthLTpA/s400/exhibitA.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b> (L) 11 (M) 5 (R) 25</b></div>
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<i>We've got basically the same weird smile in each photo, but if you pay attention to the outer photos you'll see I'm essentially wearing the EXACT same outfit. Shorts that aren't great and a white Polo shirt. Got the hair in a pony and the arms! The arms. </i></div>
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Conclusion: No clear change </div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wRmtvB1MU80/UYpcgk2Gx0I/AAAAAAAALJI/nbe8D5jWnZA/s1600/glasses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wRmtvB1MU80/UYpcgk2Gx0I/AAAAAAAALJI/nbe8D5jWnZA/s320/glasses.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> (L) 4 (R) 26</b></div>
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<i>Fake glasses, head tilt, collared shirt.</i></div>
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Conclusion: Minor evolution, quit wearing Lacoste after this photo.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kqA0Vkgc-U4/UYpciXQTBcI/AAAAAAAALJg/nHHQy4TFzQg/s1600/mostimprovedLC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kqA0Vkgc-U4/UYpciXQTBcI/AAAAAAAALJg/nHHQy4TFzQg/s320/mostimprovedLC.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> (L) 12 (R) 26</b></div>
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<i>Animal wrapped in a blanket and a way too big smile on my face. </i></div>
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Conclusion: DEVOLVED. </div>
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Why? The fact that either of these photos exist is reason enough.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Tp-hJJ8Uf34/UYpdNiWYywI/AAAAAAAALJo/-fMxlZXxD6E/s1600/pockets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Tp-hJJ8Uf34/UYpdNiWYywI/AAAAAAAALJo/-fMxlZXxD6E/s320/pockets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> (L) 5 (R) 29</b></div>
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<i>Hands in the pockets, button-down shirt, big smile.</i></div>
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<i>You can't see my feet in the photo on the right, but naturally, I'm wearing loafers and I can guarantee you my left foot is doing the exact same thing it's doing on my first day of kindergarten. </i></div>
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Conclusion: No clear change</div>
lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-58034979669801375432013-04-23T16:32:00.001-05:002013-04-23T16:34:53.673-05:00on being older. I go through different phases throughout the week where, at times, I feel really old and out of place in my normal life or where I feel young and normal and like I could've been in college 2 years ago.<br />
<br />
Joke's on me. I graduated from college 7 years ago.<br />
<br />
A couple of weeks ago I went to a Nelly concert in a different state with two strangers. I use the word 'stranger' (SHOUT OUT TO NANNY) (AND DIDDY) in a very casual sense because, is there any real such thing as an actual 'stranger' these days? I mean, with the internetS and all? Not only did I attend a Nelly concert, but I dressed up in some extremely ridiculous clothes and went to a Nelly concert. I enjoyed each and every second of the concert and the events prior and following, but I couldn't help but think, "Is this what 29-year-olds do?"<br />
<br />
And is it? Was I being spontaneous because I am 29 or because <i>I am 29</i>.<br />
<br />
How do you know how old you're supposed to be? If I didn't have a copy of my birth certificate I would guess I'm not 29, but that's only because for church on Sunday, every single item of clothing I put on my body was picked up off of the floor of my room. Surely, other 29-year-old women are not participating in an activity like this?<br />
<br />
Is there a manual on getting older and acting your age? Not your perceived age, but your actual age? Like, should I be as into loafers as I am? Or should that come later in life? Am I at the correct age to be really interested in typography? And did I skip all the ages where crafts (and other shit) should consume my time? Is it okay to only brush your hair on Saturday?<br />
<br />
Is there a way to figure any of this out other than just getting older and figuring it out? If you don't figure it out does that mean you're dead or just no longer living?<br />
<br />
How do you know if you're just a complete and total weirdo and no, you aren't like any other 29-year-old and it is absolutely not okay to go to the grocery store on a Sunday and only buy beer and Frosted Flakes.<br />
<br />
Is it normal to only buy beer and Frosted Flakes at <i>any</i> age?<br />
<br />
Exactly.<br />
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-35126697912645459512013-03-12T08:36:00.005-05:002013-03-12T08:45:09.241-05:00the bachelor :: sean : final rose. The lead-in for this epi is being called an "event." AN EVENT.<br />
Things that are events: The Final Four, an opening at an art gallery, NASCAR, graduation<br />
<br />
Things that are 3 hours long: a car ride to Austin, a wedding reception, a Sunday afternoon nap<br />
Things that should not be 3 hours long: THIS.<br />
<br />
Chrissy Poo just called this an "historic" event.<br />
HISTORIC?<br />
<br />
Things that are historic: elections, filibusters, non-elective surgeries that save a life, game-winning shots, something that's never happened before EVER<br />
<br />
Not historic: THIS.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We make it to Thailand and a shit ton of doves fly out of a tree and Sean walks behind an elephant while calling the country, "the most beautiful country I've ever seen." This guy can't make up his mind.<br />
<br />
EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL.<br />
(Which, I guess is better than him looking out over the landscape and saying, "This place is kind of shitty and smells like sad should smell.")<br />
<br />
Sean is SO READY for his family to arrive. How did those kids make it on that long of a flight? NOT A 3-HOUR FLIGHT.<br />
<br />
Sean's nephew got the visit started off in a real sweet way by screaming, "Emily didn't pick you!" and we all laughed. HOW SILLY.<br />
<br />
Sean then described CathyCat and himself as "weird and funny" and that's why it works. What's so weird and funny about him? He's the least weird and funny human to ever be on television this much.<br />
<br />
CathyCat arrives and she's a ball of nerves. She's gotta make a good first impression, so she wore her best bathing suit cover-up.<br />
<br />
Sean's niece went straight for the hug. <i>Bold</i>.<br />
<br />
They sat down for dinner and toasted with water. Which, I think means something bad. CathyCat reveals that she played football in 6th grade and suffered a broken arm.<br />
<br />
The most surprising thing she's learned is that, she "never knew she wanted to be with someone like Sean." SOMEONE LIKE SEAN.<br />
<br />
Meaning, what?! A half-way decent human? White? Someone super silly and weird?<br />
<br />
Sean's mom pulls Cathy aside and asked zero hard questions. She totally froze up! She even told her she'd be a great addition to the family.<br />
<br />
BORED.<br />
<br />
Daddy Jay (DJ) sat her down and asked if she "believed in the Bachelor process?" That's a thing? It's not a thing.<br />
<br />
CathyCat said that Sean is "so good" that she's consumed by him. I don't even know what that means.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm excited to have a best friend for love." -- CathyCat</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I guess this is a thing!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
DJ's speech to Cathy was real sweet. In a real way. But, then he said his son-in-law was his best friend, so does that mean that Sean's mom isn't his best friend? I thought we only married BFFs around here?????????????????????????<br />
<br />
Cathy's face during the whole thing was pretty priceless. And also sad. You could tell she's never had positive affirmation like that from a male before.<br />
<br />
These two are going to get Starbucks so hard together! Bass Pro Shop in Grapevine better watch out! Best friends coming through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I can see us on a Saturday afternoon eating lunch, the six of us together." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I counted eight people.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">: (</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">No kids allowed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Although I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife, as well." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>(GRAMMAR, AS WELL, BE DAMNED, EQUALLY, TOO.)</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">BEST FRIENDS ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Only six people at that lunch!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Not seven!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">And definitely not nine!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
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<br />
It's time for Lindsay's arrival to the family (NOT fantasy) suite.<br />
<br />
There's a lot of plaid going on. Plaid shirts, plaid shorts, PLAID.<br />
<br />
We are 18 minutes in and on day 2 of this shit show and Sean has not worn his coral shorts yet. : (<br />
<br />
Lindsay's a little nervous and a little dressed up. She brought two gifts.<br />
Niece went straight for the hug. <i>Again</i>.<br />
gUrl just gives those hugs away. It's not even hard to get a hug from her.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"There's not any monkeys in Missouri, huh?" --DJ</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Just me!" --Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Gigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegiggle.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">What a silly answer!</span><br />
<br />
gUrl, you just called yourself a monkey.<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Mom and Sister break the news that they know Lindsay showed up the first night in a wedding dress. Which, they said they liked... but, no that can't be true, because CRAZY.<br />
<br />
Also, is she drunk? And I don't mean drunk on love.<br />
<br />
DJ, who is totally owning that hot pink under shirt, pulls Lindsay aside and exclaims by lowering his voice, "I got some questions for you!" But, he lets her sit where ever she wants. Meaning, the chair on the left or the right. What a sweet man!<br />
<br />
DJ, again, goes for the, "how do you that you're truly in love with someone BEFORE you marry them" question.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh. </span><br />
<br />
Then, her next answer had the word "prayer" in it. So, she wins.<br />
<br />
DJ tells Lindsay that he's been praying for her (or Sean's future wife) since the day Sean was born. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.<br />
<br />
TWIST!<br />
Lindsay asked DJ for Sean's hand in marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Is that not like, THE SILLIEST?!<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Oh my! Now, what do we do?" -- DJ, on Sean's predicament</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">My best idea is to change the channel!</span><br />
<br />
Sean's mom wants him to end up with someone who has the same values as him: Crossfit/Paleo.<br />
<br />
Lindsay starts crying. Mom is NOT crying. She just ushers her out of the conversation.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm glad my family got to see just how much she loves me." --Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Translation: she's obsessed with me and I'm super into that and I'm glad my family saw it.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Bye, baby." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">No. Nope. No. </span><br />
<br />
Then, for the 87th time in 26 minutes, Sean says he could marry either one of them and be happy forever. He wants his family to help him decide.<br />
<br />
SHAKES HIS HEAD.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean sits down with his fam and he just wants some clarity.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's a win-win!" -- DJ</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Dad, there is such a thing as being TOO encouraging. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">This would be it. </span><br />
<br />
Mom is having a tough time with all of this. She's clearly the level-headed person around here. Dad acts on emotions, Mom sees through the bullshit! I have a feeling she's not as into holding hands as Sean wants us to believe.<br />
<br />
Sean's just walking around Thailand without any shoes. Dangerous.<br />
<br />
His heart is on the line and now he's going to get tetanus IN THAILAND.<br />
If there's anywhere I don't want to go to hospital, it's in Thailand (and Mexico, and Africa and really, anywhere outside of a nice metropolitan area in the United States).<br />
<br />
Mom's crying. Sean's trying to get her not to stress.<br />
Blahblahblahblahblah.<br />
<br />
Sean's like, SO MAD, that his family couldn't help him make this decision.<br />
He heads out to the porch to check out the scenery and think about his situation.<br />
<br />
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Final date time!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean packed his frat tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Don't love it paired with those shorts. Well, don't love it in general. But, yeah.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mn-GIZ45cnk/UT8sd3qrYKI/AAAAAAAAKz8/NvW33rQ6uxQ/s1600/sean1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mn-GIZ45cnk/UT8sd3qrYKI/AAAAAAAAKz8/NvW33rQ6uxQ/s400/sean1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
Lindsay went pretty next level with her outfit, too.<br />
Pretty sure she got both pieces at the local Thai TJ Maxx.<br />
She's a Maxxinista!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MxakGrNEIOc/UT8sdwVTtpI/AAAAAAAAK0A/QhMI5kjLlf0/s1600/lindsay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MxakGrNEIOc/UT8sdwVTtpI/AAAAAAAAK0A/QhMI5kjLlf0/s400/lindsay.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
Last place in the world I'd want to go to a TJ Maxx: Thailand (and, honestly, anywhere in Oklahoma).<br />
<br />
So, the two of them are taking a scenic cruise down the world's scariest/dirtiest river, while drinking champagne. This ain't the Mississippi Queen, y'all. I feel like they should be bathing in hand sanitizer right now. They could easily be in Louisiana. I don't know. How am I supposed to know?<br />
<br />
What if that boat broke? It does NOT look reliable.<br />
<br />
Things that are not reliable: that boat, babies, dogs<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I really do feel like he's my best friend!!!!!!!!!!" -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Would all of these gUrls be so obsessed with the BFF thing if he wasn't? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I say <i>no</i>. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">And, that's a FIRM no. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Could you ever take a guy seriously dressed like this?<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_xooGyTHkaA/UT8sd8iT5lI/AAAAAAAAK0I/uxNpmhId3Zk/s1600/sean2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_xooGyTHkaA/UT8sd8iT5lI/AAAAAAAAK0I/uxNpmhId3Zk/s320/sean2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I can picture you being a hot old chick." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">OH. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Swoon. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">NO. </span><br />
<br />
Then, she mumbled, "Iloveyou."<br />
<br />
BABY VOICE.<br />
KILL ME.<br />
<br />
Alone time at the Hilton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Baby gUrl busted out some wine and some chips and salsa.<br />
Kidding, no chips and salsa. That's a dream world and this is television.<br />
<br />
They say "thank you" to each other and then make out.<br />
<br />
Then, somethingsomethingREMEMBERTHATsomethingIREMEMBERTHAT.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"His kisses just tell me it all...that's why we're always kissing." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">: (</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Lindsay has something special for SeanBoy.<br />
It's a trash sack!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Oh. No, it's those stupid ass lanterns.<br />
Come on, Bachelor.<br />
SEEN IT.<br />
<br />
Fast forward.<br />
BORED.<br />
<br />
Oh, they need three things in their relationship to last forever: family, love, happiness<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Respectfully, I disagree.<br />
<br />
WHAT ABOUT CONFLICT RESOLUTION?<br />
WHAT ABOUT A JOINT-CHECKING ACCOUNT?<br />
WHAT ABOUT gUrl TIME?<br />
WHAT ABOUT A KING-SIZE BED?<br />
WHAT ABOUT CLEAR COMMUNICATION ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY PLANS WITH BOTH FAMILIES?<br />
WHAT ABOUT NOT SHARING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT?<br />
WHAT ABOUT SHARING THE SAME FAITH?<br />
WHAT ABOUT NOT WEARING TANK TOPS?<br />
<br />
(Granted, I'm not married, so I don't actually know. But, I know married people.)<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean woke up the next morning a little stressed out.<br />
You know what stresses me out?<br />
<br />
THOSE SHORTS.<br />
<br />
Where in Dallas does one even buy those?<br />
Gosh, I hope he got them on the internetS.<br />
I don't need to see those around town anytime soon.<br />
<br />
CathyCat rolls up and she, too, hit up the local TJ Maxx.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I got to touch an elephant yesterday." -- CathyCat</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Not something you hear every day. Or every year. </span><br />
<br />
Instead of a helicopter, they take an elephant to their next destination.<br />
Kind of cool, but also, helicopters are cool.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's the most scenic view I've ever seen in my life." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You can tell this guy is from Dallas and went to school in Kansas. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Cuddle time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Honestly, if I just sat on an elephant for that long, I'd just want to take a shower.<br />
<br />
Cathy got dem hoopz on!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"You're never going to forget this." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, how do you know that, Sean?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Sometimes, people forget!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<br />
Cathy HAS to tell Sean how she feels.<br />
So, she invites him over to the Hilton for some cuddle-buggin'.<br />
<br />
Cathy has kept it on lock all season. She's not playing it safe, she's keeping her game tight. But, tonight's the night.<br />
<br />
If you want to get a vague description of a situation just talk to this gUrl.<br />
Damn.<br />
<br />
Cathy wants, desperately, to be emotional all the time.<br />
SAY HUH.<br />
<br />
She's nervous. There's so much on the line. They've grown so much together. They are comfortable being themselves. She's so comfortable. His family blew her mind.<br />
<br />
GAH. She might as well send a text. She hasn't said anything.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel a lot." -- Cathy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You feel a lot... of...what?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I know who you are." -- SeanBoy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, that's reassuring!</span><br />
<br />
I'm still not 100-percent sure that she said anything of any subsistence.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I never thought I'd be in this situation." --Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh. Really? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">AGAIN. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Someone explain this show to these people. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Cathy thinks all of her relationships have failed in the past because she has said, "I love you" first.<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Sean grabs her ass as they are hugging goodbye and she whispers, "Sean, I love you."<br />
WHAT AN HISTORIC MOMENT.<br />
(zing!)<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is pain. This is painful." -- Cathy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">NAILED IT. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Cathy is crying and she chases SeanBoy down the hallway (outside sidewalk?). All Sean says is, "what's the matter? You had fun today, right?" Talk about reassuring!<br />
<br />
Cathy is so frustrated. She can't handle it. She needs more.<br />
<br />
TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Put it back on lock, gUrl.<br />
I can't even handle you right now.<br />
Reel all of this shit in.<br />
<br />
She cries herself to sleep.<br />
Kind of like me, after watching this.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean takes a shower and then puts some lotion on.<br />
HE USES A BEACH TOWEL TO DRY OFF.<br />
Seriously. Largest towel ever.<br />
It's like he went to one of those Wings stores by the beach and got the largest white towel they had in stock. Maybe it's a blanket.<br />
<br />
Sean takes his freshly-showered self to the balcony to recap the gUrls and think about his upcoming decision.<br />
<br />
Sean finally puts some clothes on and NEIL LANE SHOWS UP.<br />
Guys, Neil Lane used to be somebody.<br />
<br />
Sean picks out a ring.<br />
Takes his shirt off again.<br />
Puts another shirt on.<br />
<br />
Sean feels like he's never felt before.<br />
He's about to dedicate his life to "this wonderful woman."<br />
<br />
TEARS.<br />
TEARS.<br />
<br />
Who buys this guy's ties?<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Lindsay went to the local Thai Burlington Coat Factory and bought a prom dress.<br />
<br />
She cannot believe this has happened.<br />
It's what she's always wanted.<br />
Her whole life is going to change.<br />
<br />
Cathy can't wrap her head around today.<br />
It's scary.<br />
She wants to be excited, but it's very overwhelming.<br />
<br />
THE EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean is so ready for this moment.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel like this has been the most magical journey of my life." -- Cathy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Clearly, she's never been to Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<br />
Sean takes his spot next to 27 GIGANTIC vases on a mini dock overlooking a Koi pond. <br />
Classic Bachelor proposal spot.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
SORRY.<br />
SKIPPED THE AUDIENCE BS.<br />
BECAUSE LIFE AND OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
PROPOSAL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean didn't know it would be this tough to say goodbye.<br />
<br />
Here comes that Mitsubishi, boy!!!!!!!<br />
Better stop crying and get your shit together.<br />
<br />
Lindsay is first.<br />
: (<br />
<br />
FOOT TATTOO LIKE WHAT.<br />
Like, what the hell kind of Saturday night was she having for that to happen?<br />
<br />
"Hi, tattoo artist, I'd like the largest gothic anchor you can fit onto my foot."<br />
"Are you a sailor?"<br />
"A sailor?! Do I look like Huckleberry Finn, sir?!"<br />
"Ok, but you know this is forever, right?"<br />
<br />
We all know what's coming down the pipe for her, don't we?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Come on in." -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">IT'S A FIELD WITH A POND.</span><br />
<br />
This journey has made Lindsay a strong, independent, secure woman.<br />
I don't agree. That's the exact opposite of what this "process" does to people.<br />
<br />
Sean starts off with, "you have been such a surprise."<br />
Translation: you scared the shit out of me on the first night, but then I really liked making out with you, so I was like, WHAT OK.<br />
<br />
THEY ARE BREATHING SO HARD.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart's beating somewhere else." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Wait. SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN YOUR CHEST CAVITY?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Sounds like a medical condition!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Lindsay immediately let go of Sean's hands.<br />
<br />
SO MUCH BREATHING BEING PICKED UP BY THE MICS.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I love you. That's the hardest part. I love you. I know I do." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">INAPPROPRIATE. </span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"</span><span style="color: blue;">Was it me?" -- Lindsay</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I promise, it's not you." </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Um, baby gUrl, it's you. It's very clearly, YOU. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Well, I'm going to go." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">ZING!</span><br />
<br />
Hugs.<br />
HEELS COME OFF.<br />
gUrl is DONE.<br />
<br />
More awkward hugs.<br />
<br />
gUrl is MAD.<br />
MAD.<br />
<br />
I've been dumped before. It's not fun.<br />
But, I can't imagine being dumped in a prom dress.<br />
<i><b>As an adult.</b></i><br />
<br />
That's about as low as it gets.<br />
<br />
TEARS IN THE LIMO.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I have felt this feeling 100 times. I feel like an idiot." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">She thought she was going to get proposed to 100 times?!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Dream life. </span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"This is like, really sad." -- Lindsay</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"In like, a sick and twisted way, I'm happy for them."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"I don't want to be alone."</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's all too much.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
-----<br />
<br />
Chris drops the letter off with SeanBoy.<br />
COMMERCIAL BREAK.<br />
<br />
The Producers are really going for an Emmy this season.<br />
Sean starts to read the letter, THEN WE HEAR CATHY'S VOICE, TOO.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"You were deeply attractive." -- Cathy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I need an actual definition for that one. </span><br />
<br />
HERE SHE COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"All I want to do is move to Dallas..." -- Cathy</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I said the same thing in 2006, baby gUrl. This place will suck you in AND TAKE YOUR SOUL. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">There's really no going back. </span><br />
<br />
Cathy is scared. Life is changing.<br />
Blahblahblahblah.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I don't want to say goodbye anymore. Catherine, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you 'I love you.'" -- SeanBoy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">DROPS TO ONE KNEE. </span><br />
<br />
CATHY'S FACE.<br />
I can't even.<br />
Like.<br />
This is a family blog.<br />
<br />
HUGS.<br />
Kisses.<br />
<br />
Violin solo, piano in the background.<br />
Heavy breathing.<br />
Whispering.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"You look so handsome, you look so handsome." -- Cathy</span></b><br />
<br />
IS THAT A HARP?<br />
I THINK I HEARD A HARP.<br />
<br />
CATHY GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY MY BEST FRIEND." -- Cathy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Best friend thatz a boy, right?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Or like, overall best friend?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
They legitimately got on an elephant and rode off into the sunset.<br />
And thatz that.<br />
<br />
------<br />
<br />
So, that took forever.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-2524172316018853922013-03-07T09:20:00.001-06:002013-03-07T09:20:13.132-06:00your questions answered. Yesterday via Twitter, I posted this status/photo. I didn't think much of it and went on about my life and my all caps rant about Rand Paul's filibuster. Pretty normal day.
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
MY GOVERNMENT IS SO EMBARRASSING. ALMOST LIKE THIS PHOTO :: <a href="http://t.co/McmuWIXefT" title="http://twitter.com/lncow/status/309427492614193152/photo/1">twitter.com/lncow/status/3…</a><br />
— LNCow (@lncow) <a href="https://twitter.com/lncow/status/309427492614193152">March 6, 2013</a></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
However, as the day winded down the photo was picking up steam and receiving a lot of attention/flack. I'd like to take this time to answer a few questions I received about the photo.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7EM8E040gmk/UTiuUeE6WlI/AAAAAAAAKzk/hLu-z4yl8QE/s1600/colorsday_explained.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7EM8E040gmk/UTiuUeE6WlI/AAAAAAAAKzk/hLu-z4yl8QE/s320/colorsday_explained.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="color: red;">First off, the basics</span></b>: This was taken in the year 2000 (10th grade) at Russellville High School's Colors Day (basketball homecoming) assembly. Every gUrl on the basketball team gets trotted out onto the court like a show dog in front of the entire school. This wouldn't be a problem, except we're talking about the gUrl's basketball team. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The team makes its entrance before the actual Colors Day court. So, it's like: here are some gUrls, here are some really pretty gUrls. Pretty standard for high school. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Also, at both RHS Homecoming and RHS Colors Day it's customary for members of the court to wear suits. Yes, we kept it very business casual in our teens. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="color: red;">1.</span></b> To my knowledge those are not my actual shoulders. I do believe they were built-in shoulder pads. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold;">2. </span>That's a long jacket. I had a skirt on underneath the jacket. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="color: red;">3.</span></b> NO, I did not steal those shoes from a Pilgrim. And yes, I think they look fabulous with the white-ish tights (actually those are totally control-top pantyhose).</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="color: red;">4.</span></b> Thatz just a boy named Josh. He was on the boyZ basketball team. I remember he asked me what color my suit was, so he could wear a coordinating shirt. It also looks like we may have been wearing the same shoes. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-61773274881728828972013-02-26T08:06:00.003-06:002013-02-26T08:15:20.362-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 9.<span style="font-family: inherit;">And then, there were three. At this point, SeanBoy could quit right now and implement his own version of 'Sister Wives'. There's a billion dollar spinoff idea, ABC. CASH MONEY, guaranteed!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">SeanBoy is in Thailand standing at the bow of a boat. He's dangerously close to jumping off. Or falling off. He's wearing flip-flops which are dangerous because those are not boating shoes and do not provide any stability for the feet, if he were to slip. This could all end in tragedy right here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean, again, for the 17,897th time calls this place, "one of the most beautiful places in the world." He also says it is, "the south of Thailand." Which, I don't think is an actual place. I'm assuming he means south Thailand?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He then says there are "huge mountains coming out of the sea." No. Technically, it is the Malacca Strait. And he says the water is blue, but it's clearly green-ish. : (</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We then have to sit through about 3 hours of Sean recapping his relationships with each of the ladies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Fast forward.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cool tank top though, right?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">: (</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean says is heart is torn and it is leading him in so many different directions. There's only one thing to do: get in the pool and sit at the edge and stare out over the landscaping and check out your own biceps every couple of seconds, too. It works every time! That's how I figure all of my shit out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-----</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean's first date in "the south of Thailand" is with Lindsay. Lindsay can't look at the scenery because Sean is soooooooooo gorgeous.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">These two lovebirds are headed to the local market for some food and NEON BABY CHICKS. Easter came early in Thailand! Talk about over-commercializing a holiday.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean took Lindsay to this market to simulate what it would be like for the two of them to go grocery shopping in Dallas together. I live in Dallas and I occasionally go to the grocery store. Even the Kro-gay with terrible meat selection isn't this bad. So, what I am saying is: this is not like a grocery store in Dallas. Grocery stores in this town have valet parking. VALET PARKING. Sean probz shops at Whole Foods. That shit is expensive. Again, not anything like this market.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart and that's what I am looking for in a marriage." -- SeanBoy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">HOLD UP. Wait. Say who? Say when?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">That is weird and inappropriate on so many levels. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">UNLESS YOU'RE STILL DATING YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They leave the market and head to the beach. They briefly discuss "settling down."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"You're the best friend that I've been looking for." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">: (</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">He doesn't have a best friend?!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They slip into their sexy-time swimsuits and feed some monkeys. Disgusting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After getting some action in the Malacca Strait, they head to dinner by some old props from a musical about gay pirates (assumption; can't really be sure). If Lindsay wasn't distracted earlier, she'll be fine throughout dinner. I, on the other hand, would not be able to handle the blinking lights and the neon and the thought in the back of my head that, "MONKEYS CARRY AROUND DISEASES AND I WILL PROBZ DIE SOON."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lindsay is "open" to moving to Dallas. She should rethink that. Make a pros and cons list, gUrl! I hope Sean can buy her a 3-series BMW soon or she'll never make it here. I bet he'll take her to that park over the freeway and be all, "LOOK AT THIS PARK. THERE'S A FOOD TRUCK. AND A BUILDING."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lindsay is just seconds away from telling SeanBoy she loves him when, "all of sudden everything comes alive... and Thailand is all around us." Can't argue with that logic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Baby gUrl has probz never seen an issue of National Geographic because she says this is, "the PRETTIEST thing" she's ever seen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chris Harrison, who could easily be the head of a high-class brothel at this point, sends these two kids an invitation to the fantasy suite. Zero hesitations involved. Fantasy suite it is!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean thinks Lindsay is funny AND compassionate AND that they could be best friends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;"><b>Short list of thingz I do with my best friends:</b> talk about Hillary Clinton, talk about Beyonce, talk about dresses to wear to weddings, talk about the Kardashians, paint nails, bake stuff, talk about Corgi dogs, look at pictures of kittenz, borrow jewelry, send pictures of shoes to decide if I should or should not buy them, go to the mall, copy/paste quotes from blogs into e-mails and giggle, sing along to Celine Dion, tease our hair, talk about boyz. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Thatz just a short list and I only see one to ZERO thingz I could do with a man on that list and I wouldn't like to do them regularly with a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They shut the door to the suite.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-----</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Itz now time for AshLee to get time with HER MAN. She's chosen a fun little layered number. A swimsuit, a tank top AND a crocheted smock? Sweater? Cover-up? Shirt? Baby dress? Blanket?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She calls Sean the "love of her life." It is just OVERWHELMING JOY, UNEXPECTED ADVENTUREZ AND FUN.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The boat sets out to sea and AshLee is still gushing about love, vulnerability, hearts and somethingsomethingsomethingIHOPEHEFEELSTHESAMEWAY.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean wants to challenge AshLee, so naturally he makes her swim through a cave to get to a private beach. THE WHOLE THING IS LIKE A DELETED SCENE FROM THE WORLD'S WORST SEQUEL TO "GOONIES" THAT PROBZ ONLY AIRED ON ABC FAMILY.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee doesn't want to swim in the cave because she was adopted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She thinks Sean might abandon her in that cave. She's not far off with that fear. I'd abandon her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I don't do caves." -- AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Like, honestly? Who really does "do" caves? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">It's not exactly a thing. It's only kind of a thing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They finally make it. It's life-changing for baby gUrl. She's let go and let God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">SHE IS INSANE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I." -- AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">(First off: grammar.)</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">And! Really? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Yes, there are two human beings that belong together more than you and SeanBoy. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">BEYONCE AND JAY-Z. Done and done. Your logic is out the window and I didn't even say BILL AND HILLARY. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's dinner time and Sean is picturing his life with AshLee. He has to be getting scared at this point. He could never love her as much as she loves him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean asked AshLee why she's still single.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">RUDE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee, being INSANE, calls it "a good question" and isn't offended at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"You know the qualities that I possess... and you know you want that...and I love that." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Say how? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Basically, he said, "YOU THINK I AM AWESOME AND PERFECT AND YOU LOVE ME AND I'M PRETTY INTO HOW OBSESSED YOU ARE WITH ME." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee goes on another diatribe about HOW IN LOVE (OBSESSED) SHE IS WITH SEAN.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then, she starts talking about the fantasy suite. I honestly cannot tell if she's talking herself into staying or out of staying. Even if she says "no" to the invite she'd still totally end up at his room staring at him through the window all night so it doesn't matter what she says.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Baby gUrl says "yes," but only if "that boundary isn't crossed."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">SomethingsomethingTRUSTsomethingEXPECTATIONSTRUSTsomethingsomethingCRAZYASS.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee tells SeanBoy about the ring she wants and goes as far to tell him her ring size. BECAUSE THE SHOW'S PRODUCERS DON'T KNOW.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee goes on and on and on about Sean healing her broken heart and spending her life with him and she'll do everything in her power to make sure he his happy FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. Even if she has to lock him in her basement, she will. make. him. HAPPY.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee is absolutely the gUrl you date in junior high for 2 months and then she follows you to college and shows up at your kid's soccer game 12 years later and causes some real dramatic shit to go down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is a terrific Lifetime movie unfolding before our very eyes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-----</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">CathyCat has been missed. But, do they have the same life goals? (NO, Sean, you don't!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They get on a "junk boat" and immediately quote 'Titanic'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">: (</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They spend a solid 17 minutes talking about how weird Cathy is. Then, Sean says she could be his best friend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cathy is/was super pissy with her sisters. She talks to her BEST FRIENDS more than she talks to her sisters. Her BEST FRIEND is married, so she can tell her anything.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sounds like Cathy already has a best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cathy says she'd move to Dallas. FROM SEATTLE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I bet she recycles. She's going to be pretty disappointed when/if she gets here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ain't nobody got time for the environment. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">RED STATE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It starts lightning, so they get out of the water on to a boat and Sean goes TONGUE FIRST into about 17 minutes worth of kissing. How has no one ever told him to reign that tongue action in? Like. Come on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
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</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bQ5rCXykTXQ/USy_2FvV0aI/AAAAAAAAKeI/X4Nm8X9e7_I/s1600/kiss.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bQ5rCXykTXQ/USy_2FvV0aI/AAAAAAAAKeI/X4Nm8X9e7_I/s320/kiss.JPG" width="240" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean can totally see himself marrying Cathy. They will obviously be married in 5 years and they'd be super happy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She keeps talking about being "super traditional" in relationships, which leads me to believe she's not traditional in other areas of her life? Like...she conditions before shampooing? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cathy is clearly taking cues from someone else and tells Sean that she's not really, but is kind of, into the fantasy suite. She wants to be seen as a "lady" and not as someone "like that."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Basically she says, "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU, IF YOU'LL HAVE SEX WITH ME."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean just wants to watch YouTube videos all night with his "lady"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They get dat key to the suite and waste no time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cathy has obviously been very wounded by someone in her past. She's not confident at all in her looks or personality and it's just sad (real talk). To ease her pain, Sean says, "you're smoking hot." Eeeeeeek. You could've said it better, bud.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cathy feels safe with Sean and she wants EVERYTHING WITH HIM. Including INTIMACY.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"When I look into his eyes, something visceral happens." -- CathyCat</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="header" style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 2px; text-align: left; word-wrap: break-word;">
<h2 class="me" style="display: inline; font-size: 18px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="color: blue;">vis·cer·al</span></span></h2>
</div>
<div class="body" style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px; margin: 0em 0px 0em 0em; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">
<div class="pbk" style="font-size: small; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span class="pg" style="display: inline; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; padding-right: 3px;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default; font-family: inherit;">adjective</span></span></span></span><br />
<div class="luna-Ent" style="background-image: none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 5px;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span class="dnindex" style="display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword" style="font-family: inherit;">1.</span></span></span><br />
<div class="dndata" style="font-size: small; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 37px;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span id="hotword" style="font-family: inherit;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">of</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">pertaining</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">the</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">viscera.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="luna-Ent" style="background-image: none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 5px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><span class="dnindex" style="display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword">2.</span></span></span><br />
<div class="dndata" style="font-size: small; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 37px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">affecting</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">the</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">viscera.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<div class="luna-Ent" style="background-image: none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 5px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><span class="dnindex" style="display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword">3.</span></span></span><br />
<div class="dndata" style="font-size: small; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 37px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">of</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">the</span> </span><a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nature">nature</a><span id="hotword"> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">of</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">resembling</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">viscera.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">
<div class="luna-Ent" style="background-image: none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 5px;">
<span class="dnindex" style="display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword">4.</span></span><br />
<div class="dndata" style="font-size: small; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 37px;">
<span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">characterized</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">by</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">proceeding</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">from</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">instinct</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">rather</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">than</span><span id="hotword" name="hotword">intellect:</span> </span><span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">visceral</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">reaction.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent" style="background-image: none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 5px;">
<span class="dnindex" style="display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword">5.</span></span><br />
<div class="dndata" style="font-size: small; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 37px;">
<span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">characterized</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">by</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">dealing</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">with</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">coarse</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">base</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">emotions;</span><span id="hotword" name="hotword">earthy;</span> </span><a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/crude">crude</a><span id="hotword">: </span><span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">visceral</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">literary</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">style.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
</span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know you were wondering.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yes, Cathy may be the smartest gUrl to ever get this far into the Bachelor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-----</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean gets dressed and has his weekly sit-down/recap with Chrissy Poo. He KNOWS he's got to send a woman home. And he KNOWS which woman it will be.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">HE ALSO KNOWS THIS WOMAN COULD MURDER HIM FOR LOVE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean recalls when Emily sent him home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">: (</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">SO. We have Emily to blame for all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean knows this is going to be THE HARDEST THING HE HAS EVER DONE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Like, get a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's rose ceremony time, but first baby boy gotz to check out those PRIVATEPERSONAL messages that we all get to watch because TECHNOLOGY.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean doesn't want to be confused any further.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">ROLL THE TAPE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No, pick up a photo!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ok, now roll the tape!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There's a moment, just for a second, where Sean is thinking, <i>what do I do with my hands?!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He opts for the "casually hanging by my side" look.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Linday's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Weak.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Cathy's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"Mega hunk."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"Whenever I thought about you, it gave me the wiggles."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">That's a positive thing? JUST ASKING. I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"Our relationship has completely evolved."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">COMPLETELY?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Bold.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>AshLee's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The music really perks up for this one.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Really? Like, go to the movies or something!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I can't imagine ONE DAY without you."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Basement. Forever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Tears.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"Together we are whole."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">No.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Christ makes us whole (whole other blog post).</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I'm so emotional."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">And bat shit crazy.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"...and for that...I will always love you."</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">Basement.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>THE PRIVATEPERSONAL MESSAGES ARE OVER.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Seans needs to look out to the horizon. It's raining.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He needs to look at the photoz again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The rain is fitting. It's depressing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean is sad.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">: (</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean knows he's not supposed to be with her. The problem? SHE DOES NOT KNOW THAT.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We all know what's about to happen here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chris breaks everything down for the gUrls.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">THERE ARE ONLY TWO ROSES. THERE ARE THREE OF YOU.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean emerges in a suit, with a pocket square!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Spicy!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"I feel so blessed." --Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">#soblessed</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Somebody cusses.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">BLEEP.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lindsay gets the first rose.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And then, 46 minutes of silence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Deep breath.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Deep breath.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cathy gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AshLee flees the scene like she kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ain't nobody got time for this shit! She's 34, son!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">PEACE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean wants to explain himself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She is NOT interested in his explanation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She only has time to figure out how to get to his hotel room and wait for him in the dark.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Baby gUrl gets in the SUV of Despair and drives off into the rain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;"><b>"This wasn't about laughter and joking." -- AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">You have made that VERY clear.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit;">VERY.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Houston is not that far from Dallas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This could get real ugly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No tears in the car!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Good for her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Keep that on lock, gUrl!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Keep it tight.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Spoke too soon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">TEARS.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sean is so sad he sits in the rain next to a fountain.</span><br />
That's so typical of him.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
And just like that, it's over.lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-6821966061603712052013-02-19T08:09:00.002-06:002013-02-19T08:09:14.257-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 8.<b>Hometown dates!</b><br />
<br />
This is one of the only episodes of this series that I watch and think, "what would it be like if I were there...?" LIKE, would they build a Chili's in Russellville just to give us something to do? Would we have to go to the city "park" and swing or something? If I was going to keep it real, our activity for the day would be a stroll through Wal-Mart and a trip to exit 101 and the liquor store! Zing!<br />
<br />
Also, we could go to the lake and pretend like that's something people do.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We start out with AshLee. She's wearing a cropped plaid button-down shirt. Yes, cropped. Cropped like, it's only half of an actual shirt. So. That's a thing.<br />
<br />
AshLee has a really small dog. And she puts that dog on a leash. LIKE IT'S GOING TO RUN OFF.<br />
<br />
AshLee takes Sean to a vacant lot with some really tall grass. She laid out a blanket and has some white wine there, too.<br />
<br />
OMG. Holy crap! AshLee's dad is a pastor AND GUESS WHAT! SEAN'S DAD "DOES PREACH AT HIS CHURCH."<br />
<br />
I have no idea what AshLee is talking about. She. talks. so. slow.<br />
SomethingsomethingAMAZINGsomethingsomethingHANDSONTHIGHS.<br />
<br />
SomethingsomethingWEIRDMUSICINTHEBACKGROUND.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I love looking at you." -- AshLee, to Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Just. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
This gUrl's got it bad. Like. I don't know if she loves Sean or loves her family or hates herself.<br />
<br />
AshLee says this is the most involved "with her soul" that she's ever been with a man. But, I have a feeling AshLee feels about Sean the same way I feel about pizza.<br />
<br />
Pastor Dad asks AshLee and Sean where they've been and what they've done. AshLee starts crying. I think she started crying because she finally realized how her parents decided to spell her name makes her look like they did that on purpose. Which, they did. : (<br />
<br />
After she was done crying she told her parents to forgive her for rolling around on the beach with SeanBoy. I'm kind of into that-- better tell them in person before they see it on TV! Points for baby gUrl!<br />
<br />
Her mom on the other hand has heard ENOUGH. Hearts are fragile and rolling around in the sand is a sure-fire way to break a fragile heart. (I mean, yeah, if you roll on top of it! Zing!)<br />
<br />
She asks Sean straight up, "Are you going to break her heart?"<br />
Bold!<br />
<br />
MamaBear tells Sean why AshLee has control issues. She's also drinking water out of a wine glass. All class at this place, people!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I see that love is on the horizon." -- Sean, to AshLee's dad</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">NO. NO. NO. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean asks Pastor Dad why he let AshLee get married at 17 and uses it as a segway into asking for her hand in marriage. IS THAT REALLY THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT?<br />
<br />
"Hey, guy. Remember that time you let your 17-year-old daughter get married? Did you like that dude? Well, do you like me as much as you like him? Can I marry her, too?"<br />
<br />
AshLee's dad tells a sweet story about adopting AshLee, but he says things in a weird way.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life..." -- Pastor Dad</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">TAKES HER? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Maybe...chooses her? Marries her? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">LOVES HER?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's not about me. It's about love." -- AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
AshLee is in deep. Too deep.<br />
<br />
She even called the day magical. Not once, but twice!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"There's pixie dust everywhere." -- AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I'm guessing that's actually pollen. </span><br />
<br />
There's just not much else to say about that.<br />
<br />
Honestly? I think baby gUrl is just ready to get out of Houston.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
SeanBoy hopped on a plane for his first trip to Seattle ever.<br />
<br />
He's ready to have a great time no matter what. Rain or shine.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty shocked to see that CathyCat takes him to Pike's Place Market IMMEDIATELY. (Not)<br />
<br />
"Welcome to Seattle, DEAD FISH!!!!!!!!!"<br />
<br />
Cathy likes the way Sean makes her giggle, but I'm going to call her out on that. She's clearly an easy laugh. She laughs at things that are NOT funny.<br />
<br />
Sean catches some fish. I should note that he's wearing TWO v-necks and a tweed-ish blazer. I don't know what he read about Seattle before visiting, but this is when he should HAVE busted out at least one of his dozens of plaid shirts.<br />
<br />
Also. I think he has on ALL gray. Just differing shades.<br />
Shit ton of gray.<br />
<br />
Sean's a "big kid," but he's romantic, too!<br />
He's so romantic that on a normal Saturday he would take CathyCat to the gum wall.<br />
SIGN ME UP.<br />
<br />
CathyCat tells Sean to NOT kiss grandma and just take her hand and put it to his forehead.<br />
<br />
Cathy wants Sean to want more, so she heads straight to her mom's and squeals and squeals at the sight of her sisters.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm surprised at how well Sean fits in with my family." -- CathyCat</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">We have to be watching two (OR SEVEN) different things here. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I mean, Cathy! Is your mother a preacher?! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">No?! WELL. Good luck!</span><br />
<br />
Sean rolls rumpio with Cathy's mom, but I thought she said, "RUFIO! RUFIO! RUFIO!"<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"He talked to my grandma alone." -- Cathy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Yeah, that's an actual thing.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Not impressed. </span><br />
<br />
Cathy's sisters are not into this. Big sister is supportive, BUT... she ain't having this shit. They seem to be confused by the fact that Cathy went into the show thinking it would a fun thing to try out AND NOW SHE IS SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT.<br />
<br />
Again. Someone explain this show to someone. Anyone. Someone.<br />
<br />
The SistersOfDoom sit SeanBoy down at the dining room table for a little chat. I got very confused, very quickly.<br />
<br />
Sister1: she goes in 100% and then makes things real fun, but then she just does whatever. SUPPORT HER DREAMS or ELSE. CALL HER OUT. She's so messy.<br />
<br />
Sister2: She's so moody. She's happy AND focused.<br />
<br />
Sooooooooooooooooooo. Basically, her sisters just told Sean that she's a fun gUrl, looking for someone to support her and her dreams. And she's happy and focused most of the time. Essentially, they were at a job interview and took the whole, "turn your strengths into a weakness" thing somewhere they shouldn't have.<br />
<br />
They didn't say anything bad about her, but the tone in their voices made it seem like Cathy kills puppies on Sunday afternoons for fun and if Sean is going to love her, he has to love ALL of her, even the puppy-killing side.<br />
<br />
Also, maybe the SistaCats are jealous. Or maybe they spent a lot of time cleaning up Cathy's messes because she's so happy and focused ain't nobody got time to clean!<br />
<br />
Sean's has enough of the SistersOfDoom and he moves on to Cathy's mom. NO ONE SHOULD LEAD ANYBODY ON.<br />
<br />
Sean wants her blessing. Cathy's mom plays it cool and says, "let's see what happens."<br />
<br />
Cathy knows that Sean probz didn't have the best day with her family. Sean even says he doubts his relationship with Cathy after hearing about how FUN AND FOCUSED she is from her sisters.<br />
<br />
ITZ ALL SO HARD.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean took the train to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. And then he got on a horse.<br />
<br />
Linds is an army brat and she's silly and wants to take SeanBoy to the antique shop! ITZ ALL SO SILLY.<br />
<br />
She can see them settling down and LIVING IN THAT TOWN.<br />
JOKE.<br />
Right?<br />
JOKE?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel like we're a couple!" -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Thatz what you're supposed to feel like!</span><br />
<br />
Linds took Sean to get a cupcake and I think she got like, four cupcakes. BOLD!<br />
<br />
Did Sean get lowlights?<br />
Like, in his hair?<br />
He did.<br />
It's not as blonde.<br />
<br />
Sean wants to call Lindsay's dad, "general." WHICH, HE SHOULD. But, she gets all weird about it and is all, "No. Just say 'hey.'"<br />
<br />
Then, she gives Sean some "army" clothes and makes him "work out."<br />
<br />
FAST FORWARD.<br />
<br />
After what feels like 2 weeks, they finally make it to Lindsay's house.<br />
<br />
SeanBoy is nervous. I would be nervous, too. Good call, Sean.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Part of Lindsay's dad's job kind of includes making men... hopefully he sees that I am a man..." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Say who?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Did you read that on Wikipedia, Sean?</span><br />
<br />
"MAKING MEN."<br />
OY. VEY.<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Sean gets scared and goes with "mister" instead of "general" during the introductions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Oopsies!!!!!<br />
<br />
Lindsay's mom thinks ITZ SO SILLY that Linds wore a wedding dress on the first night.<br />
Also. Lisa, her mom, is wearing THE SAME SWEATER THAT SEAN WORE IN SEATTLE.<br />
Cuties!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"She's just so special." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">: (</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Do better, Sean. Do better.</span><br />
<br />
I think even my parents would acknowledge that I'm "special." You gotta come up with something a little more unique to say about her.<br />
<br />
But, I guess it'd be weird to be all, "Well, she gets kind of drunk and we make out A LOT, so yeah... it's pretty great."<br />
<br />
MomLisa asks straight up, "Are you falling in love with Lindsay?"<br />
Sean says straight up, "I'm contractually bound TO NOT answer that question."<br />
<br />
Mom thinks he isn't saying "I love you" because he's a good dude, but really-- ABC TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
I am more than ready for Sean to retire the Chuck Taylor's.<br />
<br />
SeanBoy meets up with GeneralDad.<br />
<br />
I don't know very many generals, but he doesn't seem very intimidating. I mean, there is a painting of soldiers in his little man cave and it looks like they are killing someone or something. So, thatz kind of scary.<br />
<br />
"Hey! Cool painting!"<br />
"Oh, yeah. I had that commissioned from a photo of me removing a guy's heart while I was on the front lines..."<br />
"Oh, really?"<br />
"NO!!! Kidding! That's just a Thomas Kincade!"<br />
<br />
SeanBoy asks for permission to marry Lindsay. It's the hardest question Lindsay's dad has ever been asked. HE'S A PARATROOPER AND CAN'T ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP, SO REALLY, HE'S GIVING SEAN THE AUTHORITY TO MAKE THE DECISION.<br />
<br />
Then, CHEERS!<br />
<br />
Beer for everyone!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It makes me more attracted to Lindsay..." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">HE SAID THAT RIGHT AFTER HE DRANK A BEER WITH HER DAD.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Weird!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<br />
Did they keep BrotherBear in the basement all night or something?<br />
I mean, what's the deal with that?<br />
He went in for a handshake as Sean was leaving, but Sean went in for a hug.<br />
AWKWARD.<br />
<br />
Oh, dog tags!<br />
Precious.<br />
<br />
When Sean gets lost in love and stranded at DFW Airport, we'll be able to identify him!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We're headed to LA and Destiny is taking Sean hiking. Sean, of course, is over-dressed in his most favorite salmon shorts. Also, he's hiking in those damn Converses.<br />
<br />
Is it an actual hike if there's pavement?<br />
I say, no, but then again, I've never claimed to be "outdoorsy" like these people.<br />
<br />
Also, he called the Katy Trail (in Dallas) "really pretty."<br />
: (<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"If Sean and I end up together, this is what I'm going to want life to be like... I'm going to want to go hiking..." -- Destiny</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, dream big, gUrl!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean reminds us again that he's "outdoorsy."<br />
Meaning, he owns more than one North Face jacket.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel like we're a couple." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. </span><br />
<br />
Destiny's doorbell rings and Sean sees a man standing at the door. ITZ ALL SO CONFUSING.<br />
<br />
Sean is not an actor and HE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE.<br />
Don't put your hands on him!<br />
<br />
Oh, itz all a silly joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Zing!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Destiny's family finally arrives.<br />
<br />
Roxannnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!<br />
<br />
Her parents are like, SUPER SWEETIES. Just giggles and laughs.<br />
And Destiny is glowing, so mom knows what's up! Something is going on!<br />
Plus, Sean is VERY good looking.<br />
<br />
I like that Dad is wearing a hoodie.<br />
<br />
BrotherBear is not having any of this.<br />
He's even more skeptical than Cathy's sisters.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is stupid." -- BrotherBear</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Nailed it. </span><br />
<br />
He doesn't believe this would work out at all. Well, you know what, Bro? I'm sure people felt the same way about your tattoos! But, look at them now. You're all tatted-up and looking like a total hard ass. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.<br />
<br />
BrotherBear takes Sean outside. Sean needs a jacket, BrotherBear doesn't.<br />
<br />
Brother does NOT see the reciprocation in this relationship. He definitely understands the premise of the show (FINALLY!) and he's not buying what Sean is selling. He tells Sean he sees no affection, BUT Des just told Sean that she loves how affectionate he is towards her. WHAT IN THE WORLD. Sean just doesn't understand.<br />
<br />
Sean is riled up.<br />
He's not a playboy.<br />
<br />
You know, it'd be a lot easier to take him seriously if he wasn't wearing that jacket. Leather jacket? Just leather sleeves? I can't tell.<br />
<br />
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ATE THEIR STEAK.<br />
<br />
Destiny can't handle it anymore, so she just tells Nate to, "stop!"<br />
<br />
Tony sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Sean about "the four seasons." I think he's talking about the weather and not the hotel. I guess we'll never know.<br />
<br />
Destiny is really disappointed.<br />
This is not how it was supposed to go.<br />
<br />
Sean's never going to go hiking with her again.<br />
<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Do you think someone at that house plays the cello?<br />
If not, that's a weird item to decorate with.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
THERAPY SESSION WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Chris breaks it down, "Four gUrls, four hometowns."<br />
This is why he makes the big bucks.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Are all four women LITERALLY on the chopping block tonight?" -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, I sure as hell hope not!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">But, I mean! Ratings!</span><br />
<br />
Sean is worried about Destiny's brother, but he's more worried about the fact that CathyCat has dreams and goals OTHER THAN GETTING MARRIED. Heaven forbid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean doesn't think women should have dreams. ONLY MEN GET DREAMS!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
He needs to think this shit over.<br />
Back-and-fourth. Back-and-fourth.<br />
<br />
He's never been in this predicament before.<br />
<br />
Chris breaks it down for the ladies, "There are four of you here and three roses. One of you will go home tonight." Was Chris a math major at Baylor?<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean has no idea what he is going to do!<br />
He's just going to pick up one rose at a time.<br />
One. rose. at. a. time.<br />
<br />
Destiny can't handle it.<br />
She needs to talk to Sean, "really quick."<br />
<br />
She wants to apologize, Sean says she doesn't need to apologize.<br />
He gets it. Itz all okay.<br />
<br />
<br />
BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
CathyCat is scared. as. hell.<br />
Which, I have to be honest, I have no idea just how scary that is. I would assume really scary?<br />
<br />
Final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Itz getting real.<br />
Sean walks out to go look at the photos of the gUrls, because looking at them in person just wasn't doing it for them.<br />
<br />
He asks Chris if he can peruse their Facebook profiles real quick, too.<br />
<br />
What's Chris' advice for the night?<br />
"Get this right."<br />
<br />
Cathy gets the rose!<br />
Cathy gets the rose!<br />
<br />
Itz always the gUrl in the sequin dress that gets sent home.<br />
Always.<br />
<br />
Sean escorts Des to the bench and tells her that he's probz made a giant mistake. Obviously, Des agrees. So, they both agree this is a mistake.<br />
<br />
Awkward hug.<br />
<br />
Tears.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I want someone to love me as much as I love them." -- Destiny</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, she's gets it. She really gets it. </span><br />
<br />
Mistake or not, she's getting into that limo.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I can't even look at you." -- Des, AS SHE IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT HIM</b></span><br />
<br />
This is quite the break-up.<br />
<br />
If I was one of those other gUrls and I was watching this play out: OH, HELL NO. Put her in the car and tell me where we're headed next!<br />
<br />
Finally, she gets in the limo.<br />
Sean does NOT chase after the limo.<br />
<br />
He does look at the ground.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I don't even know what I'm going to do about my life." -- Des</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">: (</span><br />
<br />
Listen, who DOES know what they are going to do about their life?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"All I want to do is make someone happy. That's all I want to do." -- Des</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Really? Really?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want to go to Europe. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want to get a book published. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want to never have to watch this show again.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want to visit every Wal-Mart in the state of Arkansas. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want to sleep past 7 on the weekends. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want the price of gas to drop.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I want to take my nephew to a Razorback football game. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>I want it ALL. </b></span><br />
<br />
<br />
So. Thatz that.<br />
<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-17059391487733210312013-02-12T08:19:00.002-06:002013-02-12T08:37:53.628-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 7. And so here we are. St. Croix.<br />
It's no Canada, eh, Sean?<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"We are in one of the most beautiful TROPICAL places in the world." -- Sean, about St. Croix</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">So. In comparison to other tropical places we know where this one fits. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean wanted to "break the rules" and fly in a seaplane with all the gUrls!!!!!!!!!! And that's exactly what he did.<br />
<br />
The gUrls "explore" the hotel by walking out on the balcony and screaming.<br />
<br />
Then, they sit outside and talk about all the activities they could do on the island. Pretty sure at one point I heard someone just say, "boat!" As in, a boat is an activity.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean arrives for the one-on-one date and he borrowed his PERFECT dad's linen shirt. He makes AshLee swim about half a mile to the boat they are going to take to a private island. (Someone has to say it: SoulSurfer couldn't go on this date.)<br />
<br />
AshLee's never had someone make her swim to a boat before. Because she's adopted.<br />
<br />
Sean gets AshLee to a private island and immediately asks about the "drama." I think AshLee even called Tierra "pouty pants." POUTY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
They get up and run around and then, suddenly! They are both laying down, rolling in the sand! (Rolling in the sand! You're gonna wish you, never had met me, rolling in the sand, WE COULD'VE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!)<br />
<br />
Oh, the places sand will end up! Crevices. Baby gUrl's gonna have a long night ahead of her.<br />
<br />
Sean has a very romantic ocean side dinner planned for AshLee. By planning he means he saw it on the Bachelor a few seasons ago.<br />
<br />
Sean asks if there's anything AshLee hasn't covered with him. She starts to cry and says, "there is one more thing!" She wants it to be breezy (Breezy! I'm breezy!). Just gonna breeze through it.<br />
<br />
AshLee lets Sean know that she got married at 17. Married. at. 17. What high school boy marries someone who isn't preg? Bold move!<br />
<br />
Sean's pretty unaffected by the news and thinks she's perfect the way she is. I mean, I agree that that's not like, a major issue, but... you should probably ask some more questions! Kind of a young age to make that kind of decision.<br />
<br />
SomethingsomethingHELLOSTCROIXsomethingsomethingILOVESEANkissingkissing. Bad music.<br />
<br />
Sean says he has no questions at this point. Say who! I think more than anyone, AshLee, needs to engage in some pre-marriage counseling. Just saying. So, I hope he does ask one or two more questions. At least!<br />
<br />
------<br />
<br />
Sean managed to find another linen shirt for his date with Tierra. He <i>DOES</i> have a question or 12 for her. Sean brought a TOTE on their date.<br />
<br />
A TOTE BAG.<br />
<br />
Shopping is one of Tierra's favorite things to do and she especially loves shopping with Sean. He bought her a bracelet from what I'm assuming is the Claire's of St. Croix.<br />
<br />
There's a parade, so Tierra dances in the middle of it. Because that's what you do when there's a parade. You just walk in the middle of it. REAL SAFE.<br />
<br />
[Back at the hotel: AshLee tells the other gUrls that she told Sean all of the terrible things that they don't like about Tierra. The top complaint? SHE DOESN'T SAY GOOD MORNING.]<br />
<br />
All of that dancing in the street led to a snocone on the steps, followed by a hard conversation. Tierra tells Sean she wouldn't change anything she's done. Which, to me means, she isn't regretting her decision to wear wedges while spending an entire day walking around a town with cobblestone streets.<br />
<br />
It's time for dinner! Sean just asked the producers to leave the set-up from the night before by the beach to make it easier on everyone. But, they opted to move it to a sugar mill.<br />
<br />
Sean classed it up with some plaid shorts.<br />
<br />
Tierra feels distant from Sean and she feels behind "in the game." I'm not a genius, but I don't know that you should call it a game in front of the dude. Maybe in interviews and stuff, but not at your dinner date, gUrl! Come on! To play the game, you gotta play the game.<br />
<br />
Tierra's not going to let any bus come between her and her man. She tells Sean that she's "falling" for him. Like, duh? OH. She means falling in love. (OR FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.)<br />
<br />
Sean reveals that he thinks she's a "sweet person" and hopefully after this week he can deliver her from living with the other gUrls. What a knight!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We're 42 minutes in AND THIS IS SO BORING.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean is walking around the hotel with a flashlight. He sneaks into the gUrls' rooms and tells them to GET THE HELL UP and get dressed. This is exactly how my dad woke me up for school every morning.<br />
<br />
Lindsay, CathyCat and Destinee get in Sean's Jeep just in time to watch the sunrise. How romantic!<br />
<br />
He also reveals that they are going to be the first four people in the United States to watch the sunrise.<br />
You know those gUrls were confused by that statement.<br />
<br />
Sean is taking these gUrls on a "road trip." The music is leading me to believe that someone scary might be chasing them.<br />
<br />
The trip is going to cover the entire island, from sunrise to sunset.<br />
<br />
Do you think they called "shotgun" every time they got in and out of the car? I sure as hell would've.<br />
<br />
I'm so bored by this road trip. I haven't heard a single Celine Dion song and no one is bitching about needing to use the bathroom. So. Not a real road trip.<br />
<br />
BORED.<br />
<br />
CathyCat and Linds are bored, too.<br />
<br />
They finally make it to the end of the road. There's a little bit of time before the sunset, so it's time for SEXY TIME at the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean and Linds have a little review sesh of their "relationship" on the beach. There wasn't much to review, but I'm kind of surprise ole Linds didn't bring a Power Point presentation with her.<br />
<br />
CathyCat finally gets her alone time with Sean and she tells him that her dad lives in China. Then, she says he's had a lot of struggles and that he was "taken away." But... she does not clarify if he was taken to China or if he chose to go there? IS THAT A THING? CAN SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY TO CHINA?<br />
<br />
[Back at the hotel: AshLee and Lesley are talking about Tierra and OF COURSE, she can hear them. Lesley is indulging in some MILLER TIME.]<br />
<br />
Destinee has FINALLY nailed the premise of the show. A rose means you stay and guarantees some more time with SeanBoy. Nailed it, gUrl! Nailed it!<br />
<br />
Destinee says it's HUGE to bring someone home to her family. Then, she just starts crying.<br />
<br />
It's time to hand out the rose! SeanBoy says it's the hardest decision he's made so far. LIES.<br />
<br />
TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Lindsdawg gets the rose.<br />
<br />
Destinee, tell her what she's won!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean's wearing his favorite Salmon bermuda shorts for his one-on-one date with Lesley. She's wearing a matching salmon skirt.<br />
<br />
SeanBoy wants to use today to figure out if he likes Lesley enough to travel to Fort Smith, Arkansas. Let me tell you, you gotta like someone a lot to hit that place up.<br />
<br />
Lesley reveals that she's a Bachelor fan and that she's falling in love with SeanBoy.<br />
<br />
Lesley's happy place is her lake house. Well, DUH. What if she was like, "I hate the lake!" RED FLAG.<br />
<br />
Lesley gets a little bit awk and backs out of telling Sean that she's falling in love. Instead, she suggests that they pick some fruit. Normal.<br />
<br />
Sean can tell that Lesley is nervous. But, he's also like, WAY ANNOYED.<br />
<br />
BORED.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean only packed linen shirts for this trip. He's nervous and he needs some advice, so ABC has flown his sister down to talk it out with Sean. He waits for her in the most natural of places.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z73BpPdmyAM/URpMVqh1iFI/AAAAAAAAKcs/8l_bCCCwoS8/s1600/SEANPIER.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z73BpPdmyAM/URpMVqh1iFI/AAAAAAAAKcs/8l_bCCCwoS8/s320/SEANPIER.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll just wait out here on this mini pier for my sister! Film me looking at the water!"<br />
#nofilter</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Shay is SeanBoy's role model, because she's married with kids. AND THAT IS ALL SEAN WANTS.<br />
<br />
Shay doesn't hold back at all, "Their hearts will get broken and they'll get over it."<br />
<br />
Shay doesn't want Sean to pick a gUrl that isn't as committed as he is. She wants him to pick someone with good intentions. OBVI.<br />
<br />
[Back at the hotel: Tierra confronts AshLee. Tierra is convinced that AshLee is sabotaging her relationship.]<br />
<br />
Sean explains Tierra to his sister and the second he tells her that T-Dawg doesn't hang out with the other gUrls, she KNOWS. (I knew you were trouble when you walked in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)<br />
<br />
[Hotel: Tierra isn't messing around. She attacks AshLee's age and keeps talking about buses. Tierra yells at AshLee and tells her that the other gUrls are talking shit about HER and her character. But, Tierra is DONE with this conversation.<br />
<br />
I'm done with her face!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
AshLee goes to talk to the other gUrls and Tierra follows her. She brings the bus back up. This gUrl LOVES buses.<br />
<br />
gUrls be mad when you don't say "good morning!"<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Raised eyebrow?! That's my face!" -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oopsies!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I've never had botox!" -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Whoa, whoa! Did someone accuse you of that?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Tierra's parents told her she has a "sparkle."<br />
Tierra is 24.<br />
No one should be telling their 24-year-old child that. EVER.<br />
<br />
If my dad told me I had "sparkle," I'd be very concerned. I don't think my dad even knows that word! I mean, not as an adjective for a person, unless he's talking about Fergie or something.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">(Fun fact! My neighbors, growing-up, had a dog named 'Sparkles'. He was kind of mang-y, so we called him 'Spackles'!)</span><br />
<br />
Sean suggests that Shay meet Tierra. Uh-oh!<br />
<br />
Sean is walking up to the hotel during the middle of this meltdown.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"GO SIT ON YOUR COT!" -- AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Ohhhhhh, diss!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">That really cut to the core.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Of course, Sean just misses the fight and finds Tierra on her cot. She is crying and she's being honest. She admits that she confronted AshLee and she feels like AshLee is OUT TO GET HER with her "pity" high-school-32-year-old shit!<br />
<br />
Tearstearstearstearstears.<br />
<br />
Sean walks out on Tierra to stare at the concrete. This is his nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's been too much drama and not near enough hand holding!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
It's like that concrete spoke to him! He knows what he needs to do!<br />
<br />
He dangles his sister in front of Tierra's face, but... it ain't happenin', gUrl. GO HOME NOW.<br />
<br />
Sean says he can't keep her because it's "so hard on her."<br />
<br />
Classic, Sean. Classic.<br />
"It's not you...(it's not me either). It's YOU on this show."<br />
<br />
Sean didn't see this coming, but he's not shocked.<br />
<br />
T-Dawg doesn't even get to take her bag with her! She got in that mini-van without even a sweater for the plane!<br />
<br />
Tierra cries a hard, ugly cry as she sits in the back of the van.<br />
<br />
Sean makes it back to his sister (HOURS LATER) and lets SissyPoo know that he told T-Dawg to get on outta hurr!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I told myself nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen." -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's one thing to say that as you accept 1st runner-up in the Miss America pageant. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's a whole other ballgame to say that as you're sitting in a mini-van, crying, while wearing a bathing suit cover-up and fake pearl earrings. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!<br />
<br />
Sparkle done left the building, gUrl!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean seems over-dressed for the party.<br />
<br />
He reveals that he told Tierra to get her shit (sparkle included) and leave. He sent her home.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Just to clarify: I'm not looking for that in a partner." -- Sean, re: drama</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Each gUrl made a mental note at this clarification. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Not looking for DRAMA. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Might be looking for SPARKLE?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean has cancelled the pre-party and is moving this straight to the ROSE CEREMONY. Baby boi is tired of playing games. It's time to take care of business.<br />
<br />
That's Sean. TCB all the time.<br />
<br />
AshLee explains to the other gUrls that she's not dramatic, she's protective. Sure, sure! Heard that one before!<br />
<br />
Chris is all, "this is a huge rose ceremony."<br />
Everything's bigger in St. Croix?<br />
<br />
AshLee is "free-king" out and she doesn't want to go home without him.<br />
She could easily be talking about a Golden Retriever puppy right now and I wouldn't know the difference.<br />
<br />
One rose.<br />
Two "ladies."<br />
<br />
AshLee gets the final rose!!!!!!<br />
<br />
The rose spoke to AshLee and it said, "you can trust."<br />
This gUrl be cray! She got a rose talkin' to her now!<br />
<br />
gUrls be sad that Lesley is going home.<br />
<br />
CathyCat is nervous. Lesley has more in common with Sean than her, so she's all..."WTF, Sean? What do you want?"<br />
<br />
Lesley gets in the car and is STONE COLD.<br />
No one has ever kept their game tighter in the back of the rejection car.<br />
No one.<br />
<br />
All the ladies who independent, throw ya hands up at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Child of destinnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy!<br />
<br />
Way to keep it on lock for Arkansas, gUrl!<br />
<br />
I can't believe he turned down a trip to Lesley's lake house to go to HOUSTON. Um. HELLO?! I'm guessing her house is on Lake Ouachita and let me tell you, you would rather go there than Houston. You'd rather move into the Exxon bathroom at the intersection of Highways 27 and 270 on the way to the lake (there's a Subway!) than go to Houston. But, that's just one woman's opinion (mine).<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Next week Sean gets in a fight with someone's brother and talks Department of Defense spending with Lindsay's dad!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-85340924286500970562013-02-06T08:08:00.003-06:002013-02-12T08:33:09.014-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 6.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-19KelKR7c9Y/URJghoOyBQI/AAAAAAAAKbU/ueJr8jpt4Jo/s1600/photo+(3).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-19KelKR7c9Y/URJghoOyBQI/AAAAAAAAKbU/ueJr8jpt4Jo/s320/photo+(3).JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Sean wants to get back on track this week, so he stands atop a giant brush pile in the Canadian Rockies to explain to us the difference between Montana and Canada. Never too old to learn, gang!<br />
<br />
In an attempt to let Chris Harrison show his range, ABC let him stand outside and explain the rules to the gUrls. He all but gets out a map for these ladies to explain to them where they are currently located. He told them to pack their bags and be ready to head south of the border the second Sean doesn't ask them to accept a rose.<br />
<br />
Catherine gets the one-on-one date. She's ready to brave the Canadian wild in a pair of earrings she stole from the Pussycat Dolls.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Catherine is forced to stand outside in a blizzard and wait on Sean to pick her up in a giant truck/bus/tractor. Actually, kind of cool that they let Sean drive that thing.<br />
<br />
Not cool?<br />
Playing outside on a glacier all day.<br />
<br />
They busted out that cheap Target sled as if they were just two small kids enjoying a snowy afternoon in Central Park. Love conquers all.<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">"Catherine and I are sledding...we're making snow angels...This is what I want in a wife." --Sean</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">PRIORITIES. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Later, Sean and CathyCat take a carriage ride to a giant ice castle. Inside the ice castle is a cheap couch from Pier One. : (<br />
<br />
Sean calls it the most romantic setting he's ever been in. I call it a dorm room on ice!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.<br />
<br />
CathyCat is ready to tell Sean "what he doesn't know about her." I think he wants to know if the nose ring is the result of a lazy Sunday afternoon in college OR you know, daddy issues.<br />
<br />
CathyCat tells a story about a tree falling in the woods. (I AM IGNORING SO MANY JOKES HERE, BECAUSE I TRY TO BE SENSITIVE TO TRAUMATIC EVENTS.)<br />
<br />
She then goes on to tell Sean that the moment she saw this horrific accident happen right in front of her eyes was the moment she knew she wanted to be a wife and mother. Being married is HER BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE. Don't get me started, Cat. Don't even get me started.<br />
<br />
When Cat's story is finally over, Sean says, "thank you."<br />
<br />
Last week was rough for Sean, but now it's not rough anymore because Cat told a sad story!!!!!!! VULNERABLE!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
The seven gUrls on the group date are forced to canoe across Lake Louise in order to jump into Lake Louise.<br />
<br />
One summer I was forced to kayak across Table Rock Lake in Missouri and I almost died 100 times!!!!!!!! And I have two fully-functioning arms and was wearing a bathing suit and shorts. It was one of the worst experiences of my life (K-2 SHOUT OUT! B.MAYES. KITTY KAT HARRIS! MEOW!).<br />
<br />
THEY ARE MAKING A gUrl WITH ONE ARM CANOE ACROSS A GIANT LAKE.<br />
Soak that up, people.<br />
<br />
Also, what do these gUrls think they are doing for the day? NOT A SINGLE TOBOGGAN IN THE GROUP. Like, gUrl, your head is gonna be cold!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
They finally make it across the lake. GREAT JOB, SOULSURFER. You are a true American hero.<br />
<br />
Sean tells the gUrls he has a surprise for them.<br />
<br />
THAT ONE gUrl IS WEARING A DENIM JACKET. IN THE WINTER. IN CANADA.<br />
<br />
The surprise is the "opportunity of a lifetime!" The gUrls can strip down to their 'kinis (short for bikinis and I'm copyrighting that RIGHT NOW) and jump into the lake! Of course, this will all be supervised.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"You understand that this lake is glacier-fed." -- Medical Worker</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">: (</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">There's no way that made sense to them.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
The rules are: get out of the water as fast as you can.<br />
<br />
Lesley, SoulSurfer, Lindsay and Daniella are sold.<br />
AshLee and Tierra aren't really feeling it.<br />
<br />
Selma said, "aww, hell no!"<br />
<br />
Remember: Selma is from Baghdad. It's a desert there.<br />
<br />
Sean tries to convince her to do it by telling her, "you're only going to have the opportunity to do this once in your life." YOLO, IDIOTS.<br />
<br />
And in the smartest thing she's ever said to anyone, she looked back at Sean and said, "Bitch please! I can come back and do this any time I want. I BUY MY OWN DIAMONDS AND I BUY MY OWN RINGS!"<br />
<br />
Child of destinnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy!<br />
<br />
In a fit of rage, Tierra throws off her Faded Glory red pea coat and strips down! She's ready.<br />
<br />
AshLee isn't quite there yet. She's doing it for Sean and no one EVER IN HER LIFE has made her want to do something for them. Ever? Really? I need to know more about this, gUrl.<br />
<br />
THE SCREAMING.<br />
OHHHHHHHH, THE SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
THEY DID IT!<br />
THEY DID IT!<br />
<br />
WHAT STRONG WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Everyone who did it is super pumped afterwards and you know what, you go, gUrls!<br />
Go gUrls, go God! (SHOUT OUT, KITTEN.)<br />
<br />
Tierra is not so lucky. Her body can't handle it. She looks unresponsive. Sean's not a professional, so there's nothing (NOTHING) he can do to help.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I think everyone is aware of hypothermia." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Too much credit is being given here, SeanBoy.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">So: <a href="https://dps.mn.gov/divisions/hsem/weather-awareness-preparedness/Documents/Frostbite%20and%20Hypothermia%20Awareness.pdf" target="_blank">Hypothermia Awareness Web site</a></span><br />
<br />
NOW EVERYONE IS AWARE OF IT.<br />
<br />
Tierra is as close to death as she's ever been. Minus that time she fell down the stairs.<br />
This is serious. <i><span style="color: red;">(Side note: hypothermia/low body temperature seems like a really hard thing to fake. This gUrl loves a challenge!)</span></i><br />
<br />
The medical worker on the scene wraps her in a blanket and hands her a venti coffee.<br />
Wait. What. Is that what you're supposed to do?<br />
<br />
Destinee and CathyCat go downstairs to check on Tierra and seem genuinely appalled that SeanBoy made these gUrls jump in the lake.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"She. was. disheveled. I've never seen anyone look like that." --CathyCat</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">DITTO COWLING.</span><br />
<br />
IN A PIECE OF PERFECT EDITING, CathyCat's concerned voice over says, "She looked in such a horrible state, it makes me think: what about the gUrls?" right as the other gUrls roll back in screaming and celebrating. It was perfection. GET THESE PEOPLE AN EMMY.<br />
<br />
The gUrls think Tierra is faking it. (How can you fake this?)<br />
<br />
Sean, in giant basketball shorts, rolls in to check on Tierra and they giggle and giggle and Sean calls her out for managing to get one-on-one time with him via medical emergencies. DON'T HATE THE PLAYA, HATE THE GAME, SON.<br />
<br />
NIGHT TIME PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Lesley gets some special time with Sean and she lets the world know, "I LOVE love!"<br />
<br />
SoulSurfer is blinged out in a sequined tank top and she's ready to surprise Sean.<br />
<br />
Weirdest surprise ever: she printed off some photos in black and white and showed Sean. THEN, SHE GAVE HIM THE PHOTOS. Too soon, baby gUrl. Too soon.<br />
<br />
Hypothermia be damned! Nobody puts Tierra in a corner. She's going to that party.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm crazy because I'm wearing heels." -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh. No. That's not why you're crazy. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
The gUrls at the party are sitting around re-hashing their favorite Tierra moments. And then she walked in. SILENCE.<br />
<br />
The shit hit the fan. But, really that's not a fan, it's a glacier-fed wind!<br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Watch your back, we have a Tierra-or-ist on our hands." -- Lesley</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I see what you did there!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean asks Tierra if she wants a proposal at the end of this "journey." She gives a weird answer about "smiling through the door," and is interrupted by Lindsay.<br />
<br />
The second Lindsay sits down Sean tells her they can spend all of their kissing. If she wants. And that's what happened!<br />
<br />
Sean gives Lesley the rose. She loves love and she loves Canada.<br />
<br />
After the group date night party, Sean is ready to cut ties with SoulSurfer. He steals her away and takes her to another hotel room to "talk out how he's feeling."<br />
<br />
Sean wanted it to work so badly, but it's not there. He appreciated the family photos, but you know. TOO SOON.<br />
<br />
He doesn't want her to just sit around all day, so PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE.<br />
<br />
SoulSurfer heads back in, tears a flowin', and tells the gUrls she's headed home. This always happens to her. Always. This ain't her first rodeo.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I don't want to be told how great I am." -- SoulSurfer</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh. I do!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
SoulSurfer gets in the limo of pain and torture and heads back home minus love and approximately six family photos.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
One-on-one with Destinee time!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
This is her second one-on-one, so gUrls be mad.<br />
<br />
She wants to take the date card very literally. She doesn't want to be scared to fall in love.<br />
<br />
Sean is wearing skinny jeans.<br />
<br />
SEAN IS WEARING SKINNY JEANS.<br />
<br />
Sean made Destinee climb up that mountain for a picnic. But! TWIST! The picnic is down below. (Sound familiar???????????? That's why he sent SoulSurfer home!!!! He's date recycling already!!!!!)<br />
<br />
Sean is wearing skinny jeans.<br />
<br />
Sean wants to show Destinee that if you commit to something, you can make anything work. This is a lie. A LIE. I was super (SUPER) committed to Calculus for Business Majors my sophomore year in college. I had a tutor two or three nights a week, I studied, I went to class. I was committed. I took one test and got a 41%. I dropped the class and switched majors.<br />
<br />
Destinee sees this rappelling opportunity as a metaphor for relationships. BORED.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm so glad she got to experience that." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">That just feels like a weird thing to say. </span><br />
<br />
I zoned out for a few, but somethingsomethingNOTGIVINGUPsomethingNOFEARsomethingsomethingKISSING.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Are you a tree climber?" --Destinee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Is that a thing? It's not a thing.</span><br />
<br />
So. Yeah, they climbed a tree and kissed. Felt very 'Hunger Games'.<br />
<br />
Destinee is ready for the nighttime activities because she wants to tell him how she feels. They are putting Montana behind them and moving forward together in a teepee.<br />
<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SLb1KXV2QLU/URJjOuSNEYI/AAAAAAAAKcA/2n3dyF7-55E/s1600/sweater.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SLb1KXV2QLU/URJjOuSNEYI/AAAAAAAAKcA/2n3dyF7-55E/s400/sweater.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?<br />
<br />
Sean asks Destinee if she hides her feelings when she's upset. She says, "YES, but! You can ask me anything." Sounds like a sad Facebook "about me" section.<br />
<br />
Destinee tells Sean she used to live in a tent. She didn't have money growing up.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I think that's why I'm so humble." -- Destinee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">OOPSIES. You can't say that.</span><br />
<br />
Growing up poor didn't hurt Destinee. She's not bitter. She just wants to have a house full of love (with a game room and two-car garage) and puppies! She also wants a man who is assertive.<br />
<br />
Would an assertive man wear that sweater?<br />
<br />
Sean gives Destinee the rose.<br />
<br />
Why are they in a teepee again? Should I be offended for Native Americans? This is a touchy subject.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Lelsey is confident tonight. She has a rose and a sock bun!!!!!<br />
<br />
Tierra is wearing a slip (like, what goes under a dress) and a fur pelt.<br />
<br />
Sean, your suit is too much. Pick a style! You're all over the map.<br />
<br />
Selma is no longer staying true to her mother's culture. Baby gUrl came to play. So did her cleavage.<br />
<br />
Culture be damned! She's going to kiss him on television.<br />
<br />
Selma kissed him and Sean said, "thank you."<br />
<br />
Selma said she had to bring out the big guns tonight.<br />
She means her breasts.<br />
<br />
Lindsay and Sean go hang out on a wicker love seat and Lindsay says she is NOT going to kiss him. Sean is pissed. He gets un-pissed when ole Linds reveals that she sleeps naked. They kiss. Gosh, that gUrl is disciplined, right?<br />
<br />
AshLee is still talking about that lake. It's a metaphor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
AshLee gives him a scarf and tells him to blindfold her and it signifies something about vulnerability and imagining the future. SHIT IS GETTING WEIRD.<br />
<br />
He blindfolds her and then instead of him letting her walk and trusting him to lead her somewhere, he picks her up, sits her on a chair and kisses her. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
There are only three roses to hand out. Chris explains the math. Five girls, three roses. TWO gUrls are going home!!!!!!!!!!! That's an American-educated man, y'all!<br />
<br />
TIERRA GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Heads are spinning. Tears. Sadness. Confusion.<br />
<br />
Selma and Daniella are going home.<br />
<br />
Selma abandoned her morals, her culture, her mother's hopes and dreams for this and now what?!<br />
PTL she didn't jump in that lake.<br />
<br />
Child of destinnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy!<br />
<br />
Daniella is in complete shock. (Wait. Really?)<br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's tough to have your heart broken." -- Daniella</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You didn't even go on a date! Oopsies!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean tells the gUrls that he's optimistic about where they are headed and that's to Saint Croix! He specifically tells them to pack their 'kinis.<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
In the previews for next week we have: beaches, tears, linen shirts and bullshit.<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-49277041960178871242013-02-05T08:10:00.002-06:002013-02-12T08:33:09.003-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 5. And. Here we are on the brink of ABC's answer to the Super Bowl AND Puppy Bowl: 4 hours of BachSean and his "ladies." I haven't even started watching and I know it's going to quite possibly be the longest 4 hours of my whole entire life. My entire life. Longer than my high school graduation, longer than most football games, longer than a nap. LONG.<br />
<br />
(If they had more puppies on here, I'd be down. HEY ABC, THAT IDEA IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!)<br />
<br />
(I'd like to note that when I pressed 'info' on my remote it had a whole paragraph about "Seanhorsesmontanasomethingsomethingsomething HORSES" and then said, "ALSO: Drama erupts after the group date.") (They could've so much time by just saying, "Basically the same epi as last week, minus a gUrl, plus some horses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
ChrissyPoo starts off the epi in the living room with the ladies. He's looking way casual with his untucked shirt. He speaks slowly and methodically while explaining the week to the ladies. Slowly. And. Methodically.<br />
<br />
He then drops the news that the gUrls will be accompanying Sean, who's now a country boy (?), to Montana.<br />
<br />
Sean's never been to Montana. He accurately describes the landscape to us, "Mountains, tall pine trees." THE DETAILS. THIS GUY IS ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS.<br />
<br />
Sean is ready to rough it in his fitted henley and expensive brown boots. Anybody who flies into Montana and isn't wearing a fleece vest is not someone I want to go to Montana with.<br />
<br />
The ladies arrive The Lodge (proper noun there, folks. It's the name of the place they are NOT camping.) and find the date card. Lindsay, the substitute teacher, gets the one-on-one date AND STARTS CRYING when she finds out the news.<br />
<br />
AND THEN THEY GOT ON A HELICOPTER AND ACCORDING TO SEAN IT'S "THE MOST BAD ASS HELICOPTER EVER." He obviously hasn't seen 'Zero Dark Thirty'.<br />
<br />
They are taking a ride over Glacier National Park and Lindsay is excited, but she's more excited to hold hands with Sean (PROBABLY BECAUSE SEAN'S PARENTS HOLD HANDS ALL THE TIME).<br />
<br />
Lindsay claims to be "outdoorsy," but she is wearing a scarf. So, I think she's a liar.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm feeling so blessed." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You aren't blessed unless you tweet it!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
They don't last very long in the great outdoors. Sean takes her indoors to "go deeper."<br />
<br />
Lindsay's dad is a Two-Star General in the military. (SO. BAD ASS.)<br />
<br />
Sean asked for details about her life, but all they talked about was how she moved around a lot as a kid and then they just kissed a bunch.<br />
<br />
The gUrls get the group date card and learn that Tierra and Jaclyn will be on the two-on-one date. Tierra is the first person in the history of this show to be excited about this.<br />
<br />
Sean tells Lindsay that she's going to be an incredible wife (REALLY?) and gives her the rose. Sean has ONE MORE SURPRISE for her. The surprise is a gUrl singing. The singer has some terrible dance moves and I have no idea who she is. It's probably a really good career move on her part, but if someone was surprising me with a special concert: BRING A PIANO. And like, sing a song I don't have to Shazam.<br />
<br />
Things got really classy when Sean picked Lindsay up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her dad served in Iraq, so he's probably really proud of his baby gUrl right now.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
IT'S GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean's already back-tracked on his earlier statement of, "Montana is probably the most gorgeous place I've ever seen," to, "Montana just <i>might</i> be one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to." Poor Montana! : (<br />
<br />
Sean says he doesn't need an "outdoorsman" wife. That's probz good, because like, scarf, fur vest, leather jacket, $400 boots. No one has on a single item of clothing from REI.<br />
<br />
Chrissy explains the group date competition to the ladies. He's wearing a sweater over a sweater.<br />
<br />
Part of the competition is milking a goat, THEN DRINKING THE GOAT'S MILK.<br />
<br />
We learn that the losers of this "competition" won't be hanging with Sean after the competition.<br />
<br />
Somebody asked SoulSurfer IF SHE WANTED TO CANOE.<br />
Just let that soak in for a second.<br />
<br />
Chrissy gave the gUrls cool plaid shirts.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Red team, milking a goat!" -- Chrissy</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Probz my all-time favorite line ever said on this show. </span><br />
<br />
The red team wins.<br />
<br />
Lesley is the most mad about this. This is evidenced by her statement of, "weak people piss me off."<br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This sucks." -- Someone in the van</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">DITTO COWLING. </span><br />
<br />
Chrissy shows up to The Lodge and surprises the blue team with an invite to the party. Heads are going to roll.<br />
<br />
There must've been some sort of miscommunication in what kind of party the blue team was invited to, because they reacted like they were heading to Sigma Chi formal in Kansas City or something. No! Just drAnks by a fire with Sean and a billion other gUrls. WORST PARTY EVER.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Inviting us to the party shows such character." -- Daniella, about Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, no. Not really. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Selma is way mad about the inclusion of the losers. So is Des. So is Robyn. WOMEN BE TRIPPIN'.<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">"A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with." -- Sean</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, yes. It can. And it did. </span><br />
<br />
Then, Tierra shows up to surprise Sean.<br />
Sometimes, surprises are sad.<br />
: (<br />
<br />
Tierra doesn't care what people think of her! She needs to see her man! Bitch be cray.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">"<b>She's having a hard time handling how this works." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">AND LIFE IN GENERAL, SEAN.</span><br />
<br />
Destinee is MAD because she "worked her ass off" to win and then AshLee stole Sean away and she's convinced that Sean invited all of the gUrls back JUST TO SPEND TIME WITH HER. Delusional.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I have a soul connection with you." --AshLee</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">TOO SOON. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean wants to snuggle with Catherine.<br />
You don't hear that everyday!<br />
Probz goes back to his parents. His parents are probz way into snuggling.<br />
<br />
Daniella went and creeped on Sean and Catherine and saw them snuggling and had a meltdown. MELT. DOWN. She figured out the premise of the show, then she cried. How do these gUrls not understand what's happening?????????????????????????<br />
<br />
Sean gave Daniella the rose for being the first gUrl to accurately describe how the show works to the other gUrls.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean wants to know if Jackie will be his BFF.<br />
Not exactly what you want to hear on a date.<br />
<br />
The band of three take off on a horseback ride and Jackie is quickly left in the dust.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"These horses are like, lovers." --Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">GROSS.</span><br />
<br />
Jackie is wearing earrings the size of a hubcap. Like, a hubcap for a car.<br />
<br />
During Jackie's one-on-one time with Sean she decides to tell Sean about Tierra being totes cray. She tells a story about Tierra saying another boy, other than Sean, was cute. Like, I mean. What. I can't.<br />
<br />
It's time for dinner and Sean pulls Tierra aside.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I get scared because I have the biggest heart." -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">MEDICAL CONDITION????????</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Tierra tells Sean about her ex-boyfriend dying. Sad story, yes.<br />
<br />
But, then she says she's scared of losing someone (Sean) she's close to. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING. These stories are not comparable. Someone died! Sean is probz just not going to give you a rose!<br />
<br />
Sean has made up his mind about who he is giving the rose to and, being true to his heart, he goes with Tierra.<br />
<br />
Jackie tells Sean to be careful with his heart before getting into the SUV that looks like a Suburban, but is actually THE SADDEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.<br />
<br />
Sean has arranged for some fireworks and Jackie can't even see them because she has her head buried in her hands deeper than the holler. She really missed out. The fireworks were cool!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean gives a pre-game speech to the gUrls.<br />
<br />
Destinee came to play tonight, as evidenced by her cleavage.<br />
She's also figured out that Sean gives roses to the gUrls who cry and stuff. Then, I drifted off and quit paying attention for awhile, but I heard the word "confused" several times. JOIN THE CLUB, PEOPLE.<br />
<br />
The ladies are discussing how sweet Jackie is in front of Tierra and just like a tornado of negative energy she pops up off the couch and heads off to sulk alone.<br />
<br />
Robyn is sick of her. She's tired of it. She's going to nip this in the bud. Game's over!<br />
<br />
Lesley has had enough as well.<br />
Lesley makes a simple request of Tierra, "handle things like a normal human being."<br />
If only it were that easy, baby gUrl. If only.<br />
<br />
Tierra thinks it's ridiculous.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is pity bullshit." -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Pity.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">She means "petty," right?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Right?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Tierra's over it.<br />
<br />
She's so over it that she tells the gUrls she can go get engaged if she wants to get engaged!!!!!!!!<br />
Preach. Oh wait. What? You think boyz gonna be D2M (down to marry) after seeing this?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"She needs a Xanax." -- Des</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Like, who doesn't?</span><br />
<br />
Sean walked by and heard Tierra drop some F-bombs. He's not happy, so he takes her outside to sit on a giant wheel. She explains that the gUrls are attacking her. She's mostly upset because she's "not a drama gUrl." Say who?<br />
<br />
Sean pulls Lesley aside and asks her what he needs to know about Tierra. Ole Lesley does a pretty good job of describing the situation to him, but he's an idiot and doesn't get it.<br />
<br />
SeanBoy, her earrings say it all. Those earrings are drama.<br />
Also, she said she would bite people.<br />
<b>BITE PEOPLE.</b><br />
That's not a statement to just throw around!<br />
<br />
People on bath salts bite people.<br />
<br />
Chrissy sits SeanBoy down for a quick chat. He's transitioned from host to therapist. If I had a therapist that wore a tie like that AND had a pocket square I would not trust him. Also, he doesn't have a notepad. Therapists need notepads.<br />
<br />
Sean still isn't understanding the Tierra situation. He's frustrated. No one has given him any evidence of Tierra being cray. So, I guess he's legally blind and deaf. Which, I think means he gets a tax break.<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Destinee gets the final rose.<br />
Robyn doesn't get a rose.<br />
gUrls be sad.<br />
<br />
Robyn gets into the Limo of sadness and despair and doesn't understand why Sean doesn't want her. She didn't even cry.<br />
<br />
Sean stood outside and watched the limo drive away for like, WAY TOO LONG.<br />
<br />
Finally. It's over.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
<b>EPI BY THE NUMBERS</b><br />
Times the word "drama" was said: 7,897<br />
Times the word "drama" was said per second: EVERY SECOND<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
The final 15 minutes of the show was a preview of tonight's epi and the rest of the season.<br />
<br />
I saw somethingsomethingCRYINGHYPOTHERMIAsomethingsomethingELEPHANT.<br />
<br />
So. Lots to look forward to, gang!<br />
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-83599814017886995132013-01-29T08:31:00.004-06:002013-02-12T08:33:09.011-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 4.In a pretty shocking twist (spoiler alert!) we start off with Chrissy Poo in the living room giving the 'ladies' a little pep talk. He delivers the date card.<br />
<br />
It was concerning that the producers chose to not show Sean working out in his blue shorts this episode. I had to wonder, "did he hurt him himself?" No! "Did the producers decide to quit recycling footage?" No!<br />
<br />
In an attempt to reach to even lower depths, at the bottom of an already deep barrel, they showed Sean in his boxer briefs. So, at this point, his parents (HIS PERFECT PARENTS) are probably really proud. What God-fearing mother doesn't want their son and his junk on their 47' inch flat screen television in HD? Morals be damned!<br />
<br />
During this shot, we're reminded that Sean just needs to focus his attention on relationships with each individual gUrl. He also started following them all on Instagram!<br />
<br />
Selma gets the date card. Leslie H. cries. And it's an ugly cry. She wants Sean to see that she has a heart!!!!!!!! (Question: what did she do, that we missed, that may have caused Sean to think she doesn't have a heart?) (Possibility: it could be an actual medical condition?)<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I hope he's not making me do hot yoga." -- Selma</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">WELCOME TO MY LIFE. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I can't imagine a date being over faster than if someone rolled up to my home and said, "It's time for some hot yoga!"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Selma is smooth. She somehow figured out how to work her weight into a conversation. I would too. IF I weighed 110 pounds.<br />
<br />
Sean is tricking Selma. They aren't going somewhere glamorous. I hope it's somewhere that at least appreciates the lengths she went to, to show her cleavage in an appropriate way for a gUrl who can't legally (?) date in public (?).<br />
<br />
Clearly, there were no flight-attendants on this flight. Selma relaxed the entire way and gave Sean the freedom to do nothing but stare down her shirt the entire time. Again. Smooth.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SPf46DJLZYE/UQfVylAnc_I/AAAAAAAAKaI/TwkjodR6Tps/s1600/photo+(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SPf46DJLZYE/UQfVylAnc_I/AAAAAAAAKaI/TwkjodR6Tps/s400/photo+(2).JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: small;">Sean says, "#nofilter. #soblessed."</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Sean takes Selma to Joshua Tree National Park and they are the only people there. Sean's an "outdoorsy guy," he wants to "test" Selma. THIS ALL MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, PEOPLE.<br />
<br />
Sean even packed a backpack. Selma DOES. NOT. DO. HEAT.<br />
<br />
Sean's sunglasses are the least "outdoorsy" sunglasses I've ever seen on a man. He's not even wearing a croakie (a leash for sunglasses)!!!!!!!!!!!! They are going to fall off of his head!!!!!! Then what?!<br />
<br />
Also, what outdoorsy man wears salmon colored board shorts to the desert?<br />
<br />
He's also rock climbing in a pair of Chuck Taylor's?<br />
<br />
He's like a damn ad for BASS PRO SHOPS.<br />
<br />
They climb up the rock, grammar be damned, "you're doing good!" Selma complains a lot.<br />
<br />
But, then. She says, "HE GAVE ME THIS ADRENALINE. AND THIS COURAGE."<br />
<br />
It's like they were driving down the highway and Selma saw a tractor on top of a dog and she moved that tractor and saved that dog's life! Or. Someone at the top of that rock pulled Selma up the entire way and made Sean actually climb it.<br />
<br />
We also learned that this was one of her fears and she conquered it. Sean is impressed. He doesn't want the day to end. He wants to go look at AirStream trailers!!!!!!!! Selma thinks they are going somewhere fancy! He's full of surprises! I'm telling you. THIS GUY!<br />
<br />
They take a load off and settle down with some white wine.<br />
<br />
Listen, I'm all for sitting down and being comfortable. But, the way these two were sitting made my neck ache. Selma must have a great chiropractor.<br />
<br />
Sean tells us his SAD (SAD ASS) story about his one ex-gUrlfriend. He wasn't in a place to get married, but she mentioned marriage. So. They broke up. : (<br />
<br />
Now, he is in a place to get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean wants to kiss. He's getting the vibe that Selma wants it, too. WRONG.<br />
<br />
Selma starts dropping bombs (OVER BAGHDAD!!!!!!!!) and lets SeanBoy know that her mother would LITERALLY have a heart attack if they kissed on television.<br />
<br />
Sean tells Selma he would like to kiss her. She says, "NO WAY." Then goes on a spree about her mother's culture and blahblahblah.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"We aren't allowed to date. Obviously, we're allowed to date." -- Selma</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Nothing has ever been less obvious to me, Selma. And I pick up on a lot of context clues. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
She keeps calling it her mother's culture, but I think it might be her culture, too?<br />
<br />
Can Sean date a Muslim-lady?<br />
I have my doubts.<br />
<br />
Doubts be damned! Selma gets the rose.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean says the date is going to be INCREDIBLE. Spoiler! It's the exact opposite.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I don't think having one arm is going to hold me back today." -- Soul Surfer</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Normally, I would agree. </span><br />
<br />
THEY ARE PARTICIPATING IN ROLLER DERBY.<br />
<br />
Every gUrl, but that tornado of negativity, Amanda, is terrified.<br />
<br />
This whole segment lasts way too long.<br />
<br />
Amanda told everyone that she's done this before. She knows how to psych-out her opponents. I got mad respect for that head-game she's playing!<br />
<br />
Everyone is falling. And falling.<br />
Sean is giggling. And giggling.<br />
<br />
Soul Surfer is having some real problems. In a way that's real. And understandable. Roller-skating is all about balance and catching yourself when you fall because you lost your balance. She's not just skating on a regular surface either, it's got an incline!<br />
<br />
It becomes a bigger deal than it should've.<br />
<br />
But, she somehow keeps getting that hair in a ponytail, so she can do a lot of things I think she can't.<br />
<br />
Doubts be damned! She's going to do it!<br />
<br />
AMANDA FALLS AND GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.<br />
SEAN CANCELS THE ROLLER DERBY.<br />
<br />
COCKTAILS AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean is wearing a blazer and something under a blazer. It's not a hoodie and it's not a vest.<br />
<br />
Sean steals Soul Surfer away. He wants to let her know that he's SO PROUD of her. She's embarrassed. I have to wonder if she gets like this in her everyday life. I just don't think she does! But, I don't know.<br />
<br />
Amanda returns. Sean is so happy. She appears to be okay.<br />
Sean gives her a kiss on her jaw. She is disappointed.<br />
<br />
HERE COMES THE DRAMA TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!<br />
ALL ABOARD TO TIERRA-VILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Robyn is pissed. She's so pissed she doesn't even put her red wine down during her interview!<br />
<br />
Tierra is better than the other gUrls, but she's not too good for those earrings. I've only seen earrings like that on billboards by the airport for gentleman's clubs.<br />
<br />
Tierra goes on the hunt for Sean. She starts crying. Then, she starts bawling. She's being tortured. I think she mentioned Dick Cheney, too?<br />
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<br />
<br />
Sean is off making out with the substitute teacher and gearing up for a jaunt in the hot tub, when Tierra, who, remember, is being tortured by HIGH SCHOOLERS, appears out of a dark corner!<br />
<br />
The substitute has to go back to the other gUrls in nothing but her bikini.<br />
<br />
Tierra tells Sean she can't do it any longer. It's too hard. It's seriously torture.<br />
<br />
I WOULD LIKE TO BE WATER-BOARDED AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.<br />
<br />
Sean knows what she is going through. He's been through it. He knows it's worth it, if she's "had that moment." It's difficult, but think about that moment, gUrl! Think about it! It's this or going back to a life of waitressing at Applebee's and drinking champagne out of a Solo cup!<br />
<br />
The music starts getting sexy.<br />
<br />
Sean knows she likes him. He can tell.<br />
She just wants his time.<br />
<br />
AND SHE GOT THAT TIME BY ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE PSYCHO AND COMPARING THIS REALITY TELEVISION SHOW TO TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
What is Sean wearing under that jacket??????????????????????????<br />
<br />
Tierra gets the rose.<br />
Heads roll.<br />
<br />
Sean wants to see where this goes. He's crazy about her.<br />
I CAN TELL YOU WHERE THIS ENDS: A RESTRAINING ORDER AND POSSIBLY A DEAD DOG OR SOMETHING EVEN WORSE/WEIRDER. SHE'S BAT SHIT CRAZY (BSC).<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Sean sends Leslie H. some diamond earrings.<br />
<br />
Sean picks Leslie H. up in a rented Maserati and they take off and are all giddy and screaming. They throw their hands up and are all, "IT'S A RENTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!"<br />
<br />
And now, we can all see that train headed down the tracks. The whistling is blowing, the engine is steaming.<br />
<br />
<b>IT'S EVERY gUrl's 'PRETTY WOMAN' FANTASY DATE.</b><br />
<br />
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: red;">Quick recap of 'Pretty Woman': Julia Roberts is a hooker. Richard Gere is a businessman. He hires her for the week. He gives her cash to shop on Rodeo Drive. People know she's a hooker. She says, "Big mistake! Huge!" They get in a fight. She leaves. He finds her. She's still a hooker. He climbs up her fire escape with roses. They fall in love.</span></i><br />
<br />
Key words in the story here: <i>hooker. hires. hooker.</i><br />
<br />
PAUSE: WHAT IS THAT VEST, SEAN? It must've taken you 30 minutes to button that up! How many buttons are on it?!<br />
<br />
Sean thinks this is every woman's fantasy.<br />
NO! SHE WAS A HOOKER. This is not a fairy tale!<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: red;">SIDE NOTE:: The following come to mind as 'fairy tales': Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Princess Diaries, Kate Middleton's life, Grace Kelly's life, Gerald and Betty Ford's love story. ALL FAIRY TALES. To my knowledge, NO hookers are involved in any of those stories.</span></i><br />
<br />
Sean takes Leslie H. to try on dresses. They are ugly dresses. Obviously.<br />
She's taking advice from a guy in a vest and a plaid shirt.<br />
<br />
Also, I think his belt has studs on it.<br />
What is this, 'Sons of Anarchy'?<br />
<br />
He's dressed like a knock-off Ken doll.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel like I'm in 'Pretty Woman!'" -- Leslie H. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">YOU COULD GET ARRESTED FOR LIVING THAT LIFESTYLE. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">ARRESTED. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">YOU HAVE TO HAVE S-E-X WITH PEOPLE FOR MONEY. </span><br />
<br />
Sean then takes Leslie H. to Neil Lane. I used to have so much respect for Neil Lane.<br />
<br />
Remember that scene in 'Pretty Woman' where Jason Alexander approaches Julia Roberts about becoming his hooker? SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM! She gets introduced to her "boyfriend's" friends and they want to sleep with her for money! Big mistake! Huge! Get me out of this polo match! I'm a hooker, but you better not treat me like one!<br />
<br />
Sean takes Leslie H. to an abandoned building for dinner. Kind of like she's a hooker and they can't go out in public.<br />
<br />
Sean tells Leslie H. she can keep the earrings. FORESHADOWING.<br />
<br />
Sean says today is the most romantic date he could've ever dreamed up. I hope J.F. Lawton (he wrote 'Pretty Woman') isn't watching this!!!!! And Garry Marshall be damned!!!!!!! This was all Sean.<br />
<br />
Sean wants to know more about Leslie H. She's scared to put her heart on the line.<br />
<br />
Leslie H. tells a story about this guy she dated for 7 years in Florida. The story was the same story a lot of gUrls have, but she seemed like she was setting Sean up for a twist! I honestly thought she was going to say, "So, I grew up with this guy. We dated for 7 years. Then, he won the Heisman and we broke up." I really thought she was going to say Tim Tebow was her ex-boyfriend.<br />
<br />
Nope. She just dated a guy that got married after they broke up.<br />
That's it.<br />
<br />
Leslie H. tells a story about her family. Sean has been "so blessed" by his family.<br />
I AM SO OVER HIS FAMILY.<br />
I love my family, too, Sean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
UH-OH. Leslie's parents are divorced.<br />
SEAN IS OUT.<br />
LESLIE DOES NOT GET THE ROSE.<br />
<br />
Leslie H. gets hustled into a Suburban and Sean makes the long, sad walk upstairs to listen to a guy play the guitar.<br />
<br />
If I was Sean I'd go get a beer or something.<br />
<br />
Instead, he goes to pick up the leftover rose and reflect on his decision.<br />
He's having a few doubts. This decision doesn't feel good.<br />
<br />
I mean, he rescued her from hooker-dom! He's her knight!<br />
<br />
Hookers be damned!<br />
Sean dropped that rose from the second floor and walked away.<br />
<br />
Quick recap: Sean will date a Muslim, but not a gUrl with divorced parents.<br />
PRIORITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Tierra realizes that in order for her to continue on in this "journey," there need to be less gUrls involved. Four episodes in and she finally understands the premise of the show! Finally.<br />
<br />
Sean greets the 'ladies' and tells them that if they have any questions about anything, they should ask.<br />
I can only imagine the questions these idiots asked him!<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: blue;">"Sean, what's the longest your parents have ever held hands?"</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: blue;">"Sean, how often does your family group text?"</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: blue;">"Sean, does your family have any cool family traditions?"</span></i><br />
<br />
Robyn embarrasses herself for the umpteenth time and says something about, "Do you want to taste the chocolate?" and then kisses Sean. I WAS HORRIFIED BY THIS.<br />
<br />
So far: two one-on-one convos and two kisses.<br />
<br />
Let's talk about Amanda's hair? Casual brunch in the front, Hurricane Andrew aftermath in the back.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"At the end of the day I'm not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head." -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Say who?</span><br />
<br />
Tierra pulls Jackie (WHO??????) and Robyn aside to "apologize." Robyn accepts her apology and her encouragement to "focus on yourself."<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I am too strong of a woman... to let high school pity stuff get in my way!" -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">She means, 'petty', right?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">'Petty', not 'pity'?</span><br />
<br />
<br />
Tierra sits down with Sean and she wants him to know that she HATES drama.<br />
<i><span style="color: red;">Side note to the men: When a gUrl actually says this, run! It's a red flag. gUrls who aren't dramatic, don't bring drama up. gUrls who are dramatic, want to not come off as dramatic and bring it up.</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I think you are your own worst enemy." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">AND EVERYONE ELSE'S, IDIOT. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Sean says he won't be influenced by the other gUrls. He also says he realizes that Tierra requires more reassurance than any gUrl in the house and that's not a bad thing... he says.<br />
<br />
Sean and Catherine (???????????????????????????????) are in love. When did this happen? This is the Vegan, right? What a waste! Vegan?!<br />
<br />
gUrl, have you ever had a really good steak?<br />
Read Genesis! We're supposed to eat cows!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Daniella gets the final rose over Amanda, the tornado of negative energy.<br />
Her hair has been in a tornado.<br />
<br />
Her hair doesn't even look cute-messy-casual. It looks like she spent a really, really, really, really long night at the Fiji house and his now headed for a recap brunch somewhere. Somebody get this gUrl some over-sized sunglasses and a shack shirt!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's not fair. I feel stupid." -- Amanda</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS.</span><br />
<br />
What's not fair, Amanda? WHAT?<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Here's to the continued development of our relationships." -- Sean</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">IS THIS A BUSINESS DEAL?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I have said that at the end of professional e-mails before. </span><br />
<br />
OY VEY.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
This was, honestly, one of the hardest epis I've ever watched and recapped. I'm not encouraged by next week's previews either.<br />
<br />
First off, TWO NIGHTS? It is my honest hope and prayer that each night is an hour-long episode. Four hours of this will force me to throw myself down a set of stairs, ala, Tierra.<br />
<br />
Second, Tierra gets medical attention... AGAIN?<br />
<br />
I am 29 years old.<br />
In Sean's words, "I'm so blessed."<br />
I've never received medical attention from paramedics.<br />
And now, Tierra's receiving it twice in five epis?!<br />
<br />
I can't.<br />
I just.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm going to watch 'Pretty Woman' and dream a dream.<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-73631393224864473482013-01-22T08:17:00.001-06:002013-02-12T08:33:09.007-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 3. Here we are again! And...oh, look! Sean is working out. IN GIANT BLUE SHORTS. Just like last week. And the week before.<br />
<br />
Does ABC know that I know that they are using the same footage over and over again? They have to know that I know. I am not your average viewer, ABC!<br />
<br />
Chrissy Poo is at the house schlepping out advice to the ladies, "make the most of it."<br />
MAKE THE MOST OF IT? Really?<br />
<br />
I'd start off with, "Remember: your dad might be watching." That right there would get me to re-think just about everything I was doing on camera.<br />
<br />
We find out that Lesley, the Arkansan, gets the one-on-one date. She's freaking out and she has REALLY LONG HAIR. The date card says, "how long will this love last?" My guess? Six weeks. My other guess? Until hometown dates, so. NOT THAT LONG. She's going to take him down Rogers Avenue in Fort Smith and he'll get one look at Central Mall and bolt. Not to mention, if she puts it on 93.7 (K-I-S-R) and that weirdo Fred is on the air? DONE-ZO.<br />
<br />
The date is a yawner. Typical. Sean is a yawner.<br />
<br />
They are at the Guinness Book of World Records (store? museum? arcade?) in Hollywood and really, Sean is just using this "adventure" as an excuse to show her a picture of his dad in front of a Suburban.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"She's fun to interact with." -- Sean, about Leslsey</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I mean. Really?</span><br />
<br />
We learn that Sean and Lesley are going to break the record (or attempt to break! spoiler!) for "longest on-screen kiss." The two talk about how nervous they are because of the "huge crowd" of people around, but when the camera pans out we see that it's not that many people. AND. That the majority of these people are definitely homeless and were definitely asked to come stand there by the producers.<br />
<br />
ALSO: WAS CHRISSY POO WEARING A LEATHER VEST?<br />
<br />
The kiss was kind of awkward, kind of normal and definitely made me nervous. I thought Lesley dress was going to creep up over her butt at any second and then she'd be breaking some other kind of record, I'm assuming. Luckily, that didn't happen.<br />
<br />
It's time for the nighttime action! They are on a roof!<br />
<br />
Sean starts with the really hard questions. Like, "what'd you do in high school?" She says she was in a lot of AP classes. Well. Everyone at that high school took AP classes. They took AP classes and made everyone uncomfortable by playing "Dixie" at sporting events.<br />
<br />
Then, of course, she talked about how PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND AWESOME her parents are. And then. Again, it became a competition between who's parents hold hands longer at the Old Navy store on a Saturday morning after sharing a croissant from the local Panera Bread. YAWN.<br />
<br />
Don't these people's parents ever get shit done? People who hold hands all the time don't get shit done.<br />
<br />
Something about taking control and kissing.<br />
<br />
Lesley gets the rose.<br />
<br />
Confetti?<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
GROUP DATE TIME AT THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Sean, take off your shirt!" -- gUrls</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">The worst. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
Chrissy Poo comes to tell the ladies that playing volleyball on the beach is "something special."<br />
Weird.<br />
<br />
VOLLEYBALL!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
I played junior high volleyball and I was on the A-team in 8th grade. So, I'm qualified to judge these people.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is literally my worst nightmare." -- Daniella</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">What do these people do day-to-day? I mean. THIS is your worst nightmare?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">If I made a list right now of all of my "worst nightmares" I could list approximately 1,586,485 things before you saw "beach volleyball" listed anywhere. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
The winners of the beach volleyball game get to spend the evening with Sean. The losers go home.<br />
<br />
I think Jim, Alexis' husband, from Real Housewives of Orange County is the referee. Can anyone confirm?<br />
<br />
It's the worst game of volleyball I've ever seen in my life. And as you'll note: I sat through a lot of junior high volleyball. The only silver lining was that no one was there yelling, "Bump, set, spike it, that's the way we like it!" (SHOUT OUT, RHS LADY CYCLONES. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.)<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is the most important game of my life..." -- Taryn</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Suddenly, my life feels worthless. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I should play more beach volleyball.</span><br />
<br />
One team wins and the other team loses. There are tears. REAL TEARS. This reminds me a lot of my junior high career (CINDY WILLIAMS, ARE YOU OUT THERE?)<br />
<br />
Sean takes the winners back to his pad. The losers go back to the PLACE WHERE LOSERS GO AND CRY and do just that: cry. Then, they talk about how exhausting the day was. <b>AT THE BEACH. PLAYING. GALLIVANTING. </b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Oh my gosh. I am just like, so amazed by you." -- Lindsay</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I swear I had this exact conversation with a boy on AOL IM once. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Kissing.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel very blessed." -- Desiree</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I wish these people would look up the definition of that word.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<br />
Desiree meets up with Sean to talk about how good at volleyball she is. But, then she tells him that she has a "deeper" side. Like, she enjoys life AND the beauty of life. Dang. That <i>is</i> deep.<br />
<br />
We learn about the next one-on-one date and also that a lot of these gUrls have not showered from the beach volleyball game.<br />
<br />
Tierra PLAYS A REALLY CRUEL JOKE on the gUrls at the house and reads a name on the date that isn't actually on the date card! To clarify: she said a gUrl was going on a date, but the gUrl wasn't actually going on the date.<br />
<br />
NO ONE thought it was funny.<br />
<br />
Amanda, the tornado of negative energy, has a sit-down with Sean and she tells him that she would bring a "light, airy, fun atmosphere" to marriage. Can I be honest? That's a weird thing to bring to a marriage. I mean, that's not the first thing on my list of things to bring into a marriage. Sure, "fun" would make the list, but "airy"? This isn't a voicemail! It's marriage.<br />
<br />
The other gUrls heard Amanda make this promise to Sean and they are not into it. They don't think she is light, airy or fun. Kacie B. is going to be a little selfish and bring it up to Sean.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I feel like I've been punched in the face." -- Kacie B. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">ME TOO. </span><br />
<br />
Kacie B. says she's in the middle of Desiree and Amanda and she can't be herself. It's very odd. She didn't even really say anything. Something about being worried and being in the middle. Sean's more confused than I am.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Don't act like this crazy person I'm seeing." --Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">THAT IS REAL ADVICE, Y'ALL. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"My plan is not working." -- Kacie B. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">gUrl, while we are discuss things that aren't working: burn that skirt. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Lindsay gets the rose! Giggles.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I look like a crazy person." -- Kacie B. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Listen to me: YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">And better not let anyone else tell you otherwise, gUrl!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You are bat shit crazy! Total BSC!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
-----<br />
<br />
Time for the one-on-one date! With AshLee!<br />
<br />
But, oh no! Noises. Banging! Clatter!<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: red;">Twas minutes before a one-on-date, when all through the house, </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">Ladies were stirring, and mixing their dranks</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">Bikinis were hung on the balcony with care,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">In hopes that Bachelor Sean soon would be there.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: red;">The ladies were chatting, some napping in beds, </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">While visions of a wedding danced in their heads.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: red;">When suddenly, in the house, there arose such a clatter, </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">gUrls came running to see what was the matter, </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">THAT CRAZY ASS BITCH TIERRA FELL DOWN THE DAMN STAIRS. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></i><b><span style="color: blue;">
"Tierra took a big fall." -- AshLee</span></b><br />
<br />
Right on cue, Sean arrives.<br />
<br />
The ambulance arrives. She gets a neck brace and they put her on a stretcher.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"This is so stupid." --Tierra</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">NAILED IT.</span><br />
<br />
The producers and medics want Tierra to go to the hospital. Sean wants her to go to the hospital. She says, "No! No! No!" And people, <i>no means no</i>. So. She doesn't go to the hospital and the one-on-date continues.<br />
<br />
Sean is taking AshLee to Six Flags (which, come on, baby boy, you can't tell her to dress it down a little for that?). But, there's a twist! Two chronically ill children, who are best friends from the internetS, and LOVE this show are going to be joining them!<br />
<br />
What a great way to see if someone has a heart of gold or just hates children: invite chronically ill kids on a date!<br />
<br />
This was Sean's "idea," but he can't talk about it. He has to bring Jackie in. I think another twist should be that Jackie joins them, too, and if he decides he likes her she can come back to the house for the rose ceremony.<br />
<br />
AshLee thinks this is just thrilling and sweet and that Sean is just soooooooooooo presh for doing this.<br />
<br />
Get the Guinness Book out again! That gUrl has the longest hair of any chronically ill child on television ever.<br />
<br />
Also. The two gUrls who are sick and joining them on the date are best friends that have never met. At this point, I was really hoping for some kind of "catfish" situation to happen here. Like, one of the teenage gUrls is actually a 35-year-old woman posing as a sick kid just to get on this show and win Sean's heart, but no.<br />
<br />
Just two super cutie kids who've been dealt a tough hand.<br />
<br />
Everyone is wearing a v-neck except AshLee. What a loser.<br />
<br />
Sean and AshLee win some giant stuffed animals for the gUrls and the gUrls have no idea that they are going to have to carry-on those animals on the plane and that it's going to be super embarrassing.<br />
<br />
Now, there's a special concert for just them and at this point, Sean's all, "y'all go over there and awkwardly dance together, I'll dance with her."<br />
<br />
Then, they take some old-timey photos.<br />
<br />
AshLee and Sean get some alone time and she tells Sean her story and it really is a sad and terrible and awful story. Sean even cries. AshLee gets the rose. They dance, they kiss. THIS COULD BE FOREVER, Y'ALL.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean knew this week was going to be tough for Soul Surfer, so he gets a limo for her dog and she gets some special time with Leo. HER DOG.<br />
<br />
Normal.<br />
<br />
Tierra tells Sean that her back hurts. Desiree interrupts. Tierra is pissed off. She deserves more. Tierra comes back for more, but Desiree is going to stay right where she is. Lesley has had enough. She goes to interrupt.<br />
<br />
EVERYONE IS INTERRUPTING.<br />
<br />
Desiree is still sitting on that bench. She cries.<br />
<br />
Kacie B. has on a tennis dress. She needs to talk through everything with Sean. She's having a hard time. She's ready to move forward. Spoiler alert! Sean is not ready to move forward.<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean pauses before handing out the roses and asks to see Kacie B. outside. He says he has too much respect for her to just leave her standing in that rose ceremony without a rose. SO. He's going to pull her aside, ALONE, and just put her in a mini-van and send her away FOREVER. I mean, what a sweetie! Not only that, he actually says, "we're better off as friends."<br />
<br />
WHERE ARE KACIE'S FRIENDS? Y'ALL NEED TO STEP UP AND HELP A SISTER OUT.<br />
<br />
Back to the ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Final rose!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Desiree gets the final rose. Taryn and Kristy, the model, are headed home. But, remember: Kristy got a modeling job out of this! She's on the cover of a romance novel now! What gUrl doesn't dream that dream growing up?!<br />
<br />
Taryn doesn't think she's sweet enough for him.<br />
That's just a weird thing to think.<br />
<br />
Kristy gets lost on the way out and wanders around before the producers finally throw her a bone and get her outside where she can just cry alone into her hands in the driveway, like all self-respecting women who get dumped!!!!<br />
<br />
Finally.<br />
It's over.<br />
<br />
Until next week.<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-81930081894605161472013-01-15T08:10:00.001-06:002013-02-12T08:33:09.009-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 2. <b>Here we are again, plunging into the depths of hell. </b><br />
<br />
First off, ABC, really? A shower scene? How embarrassing. It's just embarrassing.<br />
<br />
Chrissy Poo states again, "probably our most sincere bachelor we've ever had on the show." Like, come on.<br />
<br />
The first date card arrives and everyone is "so nervous." But, not as nervous as the gUrl with one arm who, SPOILER ALERT, is about to fall off a building.<br />
<br />
HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Why is Kacie B. so shocked by the helicopter? That idiot rode in a helicopter with Ben and she's a young white gUrl, SHE'S SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is probably the biggest dream come true of my life, so far." -- Sarah</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">: (</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">For real?! Get other dreams! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have." -- Sarah</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">TOO MUCH. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
THEN, SEAN CALLS HER LACK OF AN ARM, "AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM."<br />
<br />
The helicopter lands on a skyscraper in downtown LA and I can only assume that Sean put Sarah's hair in a ponytail for her.<br />
<br />
Sean lets Soul Surfer know that he brought her up there for a champagne toast, but! the champagne is on the ground! They are going to free-fall down. Sarah is confident she can do anything with Sean. She trusts him. BORED.<br />
<br />
Soul Surfer says the only thing in the world she's scared of is jumping off of a building and she just squashed that. I'm scared of so many things, the producers would have a field day lining up all of those activities for me to overcome. Do you think they could simulate a tornado ripping the roof off of my home? Or how would they attempt to burn me alive while also drowning? What about having a foul ball hit me in the head at a baseball game? Things to think about!<br />
<br />
Some story about Soul Surfer's dad telling her to find a guy to love with two arms so she can zip line.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I do consider myself a man." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">CLARIFICATION.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's not about what our bodies look like." -- Soul Surfer.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh no... someone forgot to tell baby gUrl that ole boy used to be a fitness model.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
We find out who's going on the group date. We get our first, "I'm not here to meet friends" declaration and the gloves are officially off.<br />
<br />
Soul Surfer is looking for an adventurous guy, who WILL LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS, NO MATTER HOW MANY ARMS SHE HAS. Or doesn't have.<br />
<br />
Sean gives her a rose. They kiss.<br />
<br />
Soul Surfer has always imagined it like this and I have to believe she's demented at this point.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I don't know how I got so lucky." -- Soul Surfer</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">YOU FILLED OUT AN APPLICATION. </span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
GROUP DATE!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Sean and his 12 ladies gear up for a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel. KEEP IT CLASSY, ABC.<br />
<br />
Every time Kacie B. does an interview I just get sad. She's better than this.<br />
<br />
The Model saw the cameras and IMMEDIATELY KNEW that it was a photo shoot. And guys, she's a model, so this is her job. She wants to scream and she does.<br />
<br />
Also, these gUrls are really excited about being involved in porn. That's odd.<br />
<br />
Tierra is M-A-D that The Model has extensions. She's all nat-u-rale. Which, is probably true, but her hair looks greasy. So.<br />
<br />
One of the gUrls, Catherine, tells us about the four groups, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." At this point, I'm confused-- sexy is a separate category. But, the cowgirls sure look like they are trying to be sexy. No one is fully-clothed. Basically, it's the least accurate description of anything ever.<br />
<br />
WHAT'S 'HISTORICAL'?<br />
<br />
Sean is digging Lesley. I'd like to call her something other than Lesley because I know that we've probably been to the same Chili's in Fort Smith, Arkansas. But, for now, it's just Lesley.<br />
<br />
The Model is just ecstatic.<br />
The vampires are weird.<br />
<br />
Now, there's dancing?! Catherine didn't mention dancing! She clearly said, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." I AM LOST.<br />
<br />
The Model, obviously, nailed the photo shoot.<br />
<br />
<b>Moms and dads everywhere are just so proud. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
The Model gets the three-book cover deal. Selma don't care! Tierra don't care! Sean got on a deep-v!<br />
<br />
POOL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Is this the point in the blog where I can say that I'm honestly bored out of my mind? These idiots need to get Honey Boo-Boo up in herre (yeah, nailed that one) or sumpin'. If I wanted to be bored I'd go on dates with my friends while they describe their job to men they just met. </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
The Model is still talking about being a model. If I talked about my job this much even my parents would tell me to get over it.<br />
<br />
Leslsey, the Arkansan, pulls Sean aside and all of my fears kick in. <i>gUrl, I've been through so much this year defending my state. Let's get back to the Clinton years here! </i>She doesn't embarrass me, but she doesn't execute and Sean isn't able to kiss her. However, she did get to state that she is, in fact, there FOR LOVE. Then, she says she's a traditional southern gUrl and she needs him to make the first move <i>(note: her high school mascot is a rebel, but I don't think she means she's a traditional southern gUrl because of that)</i>, but then she talks herself out of that garbage, finds him and kisses him.<br />
<br />
IT WAS A WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS.<i> (note: my junior high mascot was a whirlwind.)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
We have a drunk gUrl.<br />
<br />
And here's Kacie B. Oh, she's met him before? Oh, she can't believe she's doing this again? OH, HER DRESS WAS MEANT TO BE A BABY'S T-SHIRT.<br />
<br />
Sean, in no uncertain terms, tells Kacie B. that he thinks they are good friends. WAH-WAH. Oh, twist! He's going to transition and explore "whatever this is." I want to explore Kacie's hair. What happened there?<br />
<br />
Something about a vegan making a beef joke.<br />
Ain't no way in hell a dude from Texas can marry a vegan gUrl.<br />
Might as well burn down the Alamo, while screaming, "FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT!"<br />
<br />
gUrls be drankin' and they don't like Tierra sitting on the corner of the couch. I'm fine with her seating choice, but not with her top. Even if I was looking for a top like this, I literally would have no idea where to start. Maybe with typing, "weird fringe tank top" into Google.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Tierra's focus and intentions are on Sean. She's pursuing him and she's out of her comfort zone.<br />
<br />
I'm almost certain I wore a top like that in a dance recital once.<br />
<br />
We learn that Desiree is getting the second one-on-one date. Soul Surfer got some screen time, but there was no mention of her arm, so... I'm not sure what I am supposed to think here.<br />
<br />
Now, we're really getting into the meaty stuff. gUrls are realizing that they are in a competition and that THEY HATE EACH OTHER.<br />
<br />
This gUrl is "excessively uncomfortable." But, how does she think we feel?<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
She goes to Kacie B. for advice. Next thing we know, SHE'S TELLING SEAN SHE WANTS OUT! You know what I want? A DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENT. Baby gUrl is getting in that mini van and she ain't looking back.<br />
<br />
Sean gives Kacie B. the rose because she put herself out there (see: shame, embarrassment, wants to be next Bachelorette) again.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm like, seriously?" -- Tierra</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">ME TOO.</span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
It's time for the one-on-one with Desiree (I have an overwhelming desire to call her "Destiny"). We learn that they are going to attend an art show (is that a thing?) and while there, Sean is going to play a little pranksy on ole Desitny. OMG. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. He is so silly!<br />
<br />
Destiny is loving it. She doesn't catch on at all to the fact that a $1.5 million piece of art's description plaque is a folded over piece of white paper with absolutely NO DESCRIPTION.<br />
<br />
Sean leaves Destiny alone with the art gallery lady/actress and it gets weird. But, it also gets brilliant.<br />
<br />
I know I have a unique sense of humor, but this gUrl NAILED this scene. If she improv'd it, even more kudos. I lost it.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's his response to the Chernobyl disaster. Each of those glass pieces is gathered from a stained-glass window from a church near Chernobyl." -- Actress gUrl</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">JUST BRILLIANT.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red;">I am 100-percent sure that there are people reading this who have no idea what <a href="http://www.world-nuclear.org/info/chernobyl/inf07.html" target="_blank">Chernobyl</a> is/was and thatz okay. I'm sure I only love this because my dad has worked a nuclear power plant for basically my entire life and at the beginning of every school year we'd get a little packet of information on what to do in case there was an emergency at the plant. Every year I'd bring the packet home and every year my dad would say, "Hell, it ain't going to matter. If something happens we'll all be dead and I'll be the first to go." Funny? Maybe not, but still. I used to love bringing that up to my homeroom teacher every year. "Lady, we ain't getting on a bus to Morrillton Middle School (SHOUT OUT: E. FLEE BELL), we headed to the Pearly Gates!" That never went over well either. Anyway. </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
So. Destiny is alone in this room, wandering around, sitting down, drinking wine and the Chernobyl thing falls over. She gets a little weird and even weirder when the photographer and artist come back in. This prank could've gone better if the photographer and artist were as good at acting as the earlier gUrl was. The artist tries to cry and Sean feels bad, so he goes in to "save her." Honestly, BORING. Go back and read my story about nuclear disasters again, that's more entertaining.<br />
<br />
Sean says, "since she took it so well, I'm going to take her back to my place." Like, if she took it horribly wrong he was going to leave her there to have a one-on-one tutorial about Chernobyl.<br />
<br />
They head back to the BachPad and Sean launches into his whole family spiel for the MILLIONTH TIME. They are perfect, they are in love, they love him, HE LOVES HIS FAMILY.<br />
<br />
Destiny is going toe-to-toe with him on family descriptions. SUDDENLY, IT'S A COMPETITION ABOUT WHO'S PARENTS LOVE EACH OTHER MORE.<br />
<br />
<b>BORED. </b><br />
<br />
Find me a bachelor who will come on here and say, "I GOT A FAMILY, BUT I'M LOOKING TO GET SOME." gUrls would still go for it. They go for everything. gUrls are so stupid.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">"<b>Love and marriage go hand-in-hand." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">OH.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"If you love someone, you think about the future." -- Destiny</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">KILL ME.</span><br />
<br />
These two are made for each other. Get 'em a Golden Retriever already.<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
<b>COCKTAIL PARTY PRE-ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is becoming more real." -- Catherine</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Still on television. Call me when you have to combine your health insurance. </span><br />
<br />
Sean tells us up front that he thinks he knows who he is going to send home. I'd like to send myself home.<br />
<br />
Sean is having incredible conversations left and right. He's confused. ALL OF THE gUrls HAVE THE QUALITIES. THE QUALITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"We all want the same kind of attention." -- Destiny</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Daddy issues. </span><br />
<br />
At this point, we begin to focus our attention on Amanda. She's a tornado of negativity, but never says a word to anyone. I think she's pouting because she didn't have a chance to take a shower and wash her hair.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
NOW, the producers really step up their game and get someone to mention something about "Sean's type." Robyn, a non-white gUrl, wants to make sure he's attracted to her.<br />
<br />
I thought this was going to be much weirder than it was. Sean pretty much nailed it. I think I believe him. I also think he's had a few beers. But, really. I think I believe him. He was way too quick with his answer to be uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
However. He went next level.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I've dated everybody." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh. Everybody? EVERYBODY? I hope ole boy has been tested. </span><br />
<br />
He also said his last gUrlfriend was black, but I thought he's only had like, one or two gUrlfriends in his whole entire life.<br />
<br />
CURVEBALL. Selma is Arabic.<br />
<br />
Sean calls Amanda into his arms and she really perks up. Eyes roll so far back into gUrls' heads you'd think they were seizin'.<br />
<br />
<b>ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</b><br />
<br />
Sean is willing to ride a roller coaster to find his wife.<br />
That's touching.<br />
<br />
Amanda gets the final rose of the evening.<br />
LADIES. BE. MAD.<br />
<br />
Ole gUrl and other ole gUrl didn't get roses.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm ready to find love. I'm ready to make memories. I was excited about love, but love just wasn't here. It wasn't." -- ole gUrl</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Nailed it. </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"You don't have a lot of free-time when you're a single mom..." -- other ole gUrl</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">AND YOU JUST WASTED 2 YEARS WORTH OF FREE-TIME DOING THIS. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Neither one of these gUrls cried. I can't believe it! It's a miracle!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
It looks like we figure out next week if someone gets murdered or not murdered.<br />
Pins and needles.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-72893658727041518342013-01-08T08:32:00.003-06:002013-02-12T08:33:09.005-06:00the bachelor :: sean : epi 1. <span style="color: red;">I'd like to dedicate this post to my dear friend and Bachelor super-fan, Miss Brenda Marr. She celebrated her birthday by watching two hours of this bullshit with her 26 closest "ladies." </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red;">Brenda always gets a rose in my book. </span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<b>And. Here we are again.</b><br />
<br />
After a 27-minute preview, where it's very unclear if someone is murdered or not murdered, we're promised the most <b><i>exciting</i></b> season of the Bachelor ever. Sean does some sprints in his BachPad side yard and has a FaceTime sesh with his sister, all shirtless, while doing a voice over explaining his "feelings feeling more real."<br />
<br />
Sean talks and talks about his great life, but does so while sad (SAD ASS) music is playing. It makes it seem like him hanging out with his family and his niece and nephew is actually the life of one of those dogs on an ASPCA commercial. His life is almost identical to my life-- single, with friends and family to boot, and sometimes the 5th wheel at events. THE TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!! The pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Obviously, the pinnacle of this segment is Sean climbing up a rock while saying, "I want to love her... I want to be the best man I can be for her... I want to be that rock." The editing gods are going to be with us this season.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
Ari shows up to the BachPad and they pour two cold domestics-- COLORADO KOOL-AID. Tap the rockies, dudes!!!!!! If that was honestly their beer of choice, kudos. But, also: WHY.<br />
<br />
This whole segment was pretty silly (SOOOOOOO SILLY) and was Ari's gateway back into the spotlight. He did some coaching, they did some gigglin'.<br />
<br />
Frands!!!!!!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
Herrrrrrrrrre's Chrissy Poo. He starts off by wishing me (and a bunch of other white ladies, I'm guessing) a "Happy New Year, everybody!" What a lil' sweetie. His tie color is IDENTICAL to his suit. Right?<br />
<br />
-----<br />
Desiree sells dresses.<br />
Bonus! She draws dresses, too!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Some people can live without love and be fine for their whole life, but I'm the opposite." -- Tierra</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I think that that statement offends me.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Upon Tierra finding out the Bachelor is Sean, she screams, "HE IS FAMILY-ORIENTED!!!!!!" Like every man she's ever met has shunned families and declared himself <i>NOT</i> family-oriented. Who has she been trying to date?<br />
<br />
We meet a one-armed graphic designer from LA. She seems sweet and I should note that none of my observations have anything to do with her lack of an arm.<br />
<br />
Her goal for her most recent print campaign is to "stand out in culture." Oy vey. I don't think she's a real designer.<br />
<br />
Ashley's still single, actively searching for a boyfriend and is <i>STILL</i> single. Could be because of her creepy obsession with "50 Shades of Grey." I'm not saying. I'm just saying.<br />
<br />
Next up, we meet Lesley. She's from Arkansas and the fact that she states it straight out of the gate made my eyes well up with tears. If she does anything to embarrass me or my place of origin anymore than I've already been embarrassed by my football team this year I'll probably need to be institutionalized. Dramatic.<br />
<br />
Kristy is a model and "it's just crazy." Mostly, her hair is crazy.<br />
<br />
And here comes AshLee, the professional organizer. Listen, sad story, yes. Hate that she had to grow up like that. BUT, WHO IN THE HELL SPELLED HER NAME LIKE THAT? I DON'T THINK IT'S EVEN LEGAL.<br />
<br />
This gUrl must be pretty driven because anyone who can take a compulsive disorder and turn it into a career is determined! Like, is there a way I could take my compulsive disorder to arrive everywhere minutes and minutes early (at the sake of many relationships) and get paid for it? Is that just a taxi driver? Or more of everyone's least favorite friend to travel with? Whatever. Call me <i>LauRen</i>.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
It's finally limo arrival time!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
AshLee is the first one out and she says to Sean, "Don't be nervous, you'll do great." Like, great at what? Standing there? Smiling?<br />
<br />
Jackie puts a scary amount of red lipstick on Sean's cheek and Selma removes it quickly. I'm assuming Jackie discussed her plan in the limo and Selma mischievously stuffed that kleenex into her dress and thought, "BINGO!"<br />
<br />
Kelly, the cruise ship entertainer, from Nashville, wrote Sean a song and she sang it to him. : (<br />
<br />
Ashley asks Sean if he's read any good books lately. Sean says he has, but then never mentions any of the titles. So. I don't know if he's actually read any books or not. But, to be fair, I think he was really distracted by the sex toy/tie ole gUrl pulled out of her bosom.<br />
<br />
Taryn is up next and she starts the onslaught of gUrls who forget to tell Sean their names. : (<br />
I forget to tell people a lot of things when I first meet them.<br />
My name is never one of them.<br />
<br />
REAL QUESTION: DOES SEARS SELL ADULT PROM DRESSES?<br />
ARE THEY UNDER THE CATEGORY 'ADULT PROM' OR SOMETHING MORE SIMPLE LIKE, 'CRUISE SHIP READY-WEAR'?<br />
<br />
Poor precious Robyn, the oilfield account manager, desperate to escape the dregs of the engineering dating scene, pulls off the world's worst version of Gabby Douglas (other than if I tried this feat) and falls after her second back bend? Flip? Cartwheel? Double-axle? Sean looks mortified and giggles.<br />
<br />
Paige was on Bachelor Pad 3. RUN, SEAN. RUN. Meeting someone who was on Bachelor Pad is like meeting someone who was born in a strip club on a poker table while drugs were being sold and they stayed as long as possible for the "great atmosphere." RUN.<br />
<br />
Tierra arrives and I missed something. She gives him a really long hug and tells him about a heart tattoo on her finger before he leaves to get a rose. I went back and watched this scene thrice. Still, no idea what happened. He was just super into that tattoo that looked a lot like Jane Seymour's jewelry design she's always schlepping on ESPN during football games.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"She had this energy about her that was contagious and you can't really put your <i>finger</i> on why..." -- Sean, about Tierra, the gUrl with the tattoo on her FINGER</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Oh, internetS, please tell me he just absolutely NAILED that joke and said it on purpose.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Tierra takes the rose and marches into the Lion's Den. Seriously. Book of Daniel up on my TV right now!<br />
<br />
Amanda rolls in and has an awkward moment with Sean.<br />
<br />
Keriann says she drove 2,775 miles to meet Sean. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Surely ABC pays for these people's flights?!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Is this how you always imagined falling in love?" -- Sarah</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"No."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Really? This is how I always imagined it."</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">GO BIG OR GO HOME. </span><br />
<br />
Lesley brings a football and says, "Blue 32!" over and over again.<br />
<br />
The model arrives and her hair is CRAY. She delivers two very canned lines.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Hi, Ken. I'm Barbie." -- Ashley H. </span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Kill me.</span><br />
<br />
Then, that gUrl shows up in a wedding dress and kisses Sean. How does this happen? Do you just go to David's Bridal on a Saturday and when they start asking a lot of questions about the wedding details you just lie or tell the truth and look like a total psycho? If you're catching what I'm throwing, she kind of seems psycho either way.<br />
<br />
KACIE B. IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Poor thing. I just don't understand this gUrl.<br />
She seems real sweet and nice and most importantly, like she grew up in a stable, loving home, BUT THIS? THIS? She <i>ASKS</i> to go on this show again?<br />
<br />
I'm officially putting out an APB for all of this gUrl's friends. Like, step up! Stop her from doing this.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
Desiree doesn't think it's "fair at all" that Kacie B. is back. Like, really? That's your argument? That it's not<i> fair</i>? WHAT IS LIFE? WHAT. IS. LIFE.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"As crazy as it sounds, I would love to find my wife in this group of ladies." -- Sean</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">YES, it sounds crazy. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">First off, yet another man who doesn't know the definition of the word "lady" and second, IT'S A TELEVISION SHOW. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
So. Kacie B. has a crush on Sean. That's why she uprooted her life again. For a crush.<br />
<br />
Sean's just handing out roses left and right. Heads are rolling.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
gUrls are getting roses and other gUrls keep repeating, "I have no idea what's going on." Like, WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHTS IN AMERICA.<br />
<br />
The gUrls with the roses start dissecting why each of them got a rose. To say it's <i>catty</i> would be the understatement of the Millennium.<br />
<br />
Finally, we learn that Sean is handing out roses to gUrls with "great energy."<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Honestly, I wish I was more sober." -- Lindsay, the idiot in the wedding dress</span></b><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Too easy.</span><br />
<b><br /></b>
The party is dying inside.<br />
<br />
Not skipping even half a beat, Ashley asks, "Do we need me to start dancing?"<br />
In my opinion, anytime this question is asked, by anyone, the answer is ALWAYS (<i>ALWAYS</i>), "YES!" <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, no one answered her and she still did it. Not a win.<br />
<br />
Finally, she gets her moment with Sean. She pulls the tie from her dress and Sean says he brought a rape whistle with him. Not to be an ass, but I don't think dudes should make rape jokes. On any level. JUST SAYING!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Then, poor ole gUrl fell down the stair. Not stairS. Stair. She fell down ONE stair.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
TEARS. We got 'em.<br />
<br />
I feel bad about Sarah's speech and her one arm. She says she strong and confident, but has convinced herself that she's still single because she lacks an arm. gUrl, COME. ON. I don't think she really believes that. I mean, she's pretty, she has great hair and make-up (as in, I have two arms and can't do my hair or make-up well), and she's not wearing a floor length dress like she's going to a junior high dance in South Dakota. She has long adjusted to her situation. I'm calling her SOUL SURFER from here on out.<br />
<br />
I have no idea what it's like to live with a disability in any way. But, I am 29 and single and I could go on and on and on about "why I'm still single." I guarantee you I am not single for any of the reasons I think I am single. Just like this gUrl.<br />
<br />
Also, her disability (even though she doesn't like to call it that) does not mean she gets to be spared from my commentary. I did not ask her to come on the show and be subject to my wrath. She volunteered.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Sean is the most sincere bachelor we've ever had on this show." -- Chrissy Poo</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">OH. IF THAT'S NOT A SLAP IN THE FACE TO THE LAST 12 YEARS OF OUR LIVES.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">SORRY, EVERY OTHER JACKASS WE'VE EVER CLAIMED WAS GREAT ENOUGH TO FILM A SEASON AROUND.</span><br />
<br />
Ole boy has already handed out 12 roses.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"Twelve of you have roses, nothing to worry about." -- Chrissy Poo</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Too bad you other bitches have to endure the tragedy that is this rose ceremony!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">That Chris is a real sweetheart at times. </span><br />
<br />
Kacie B. gets a rose. Sigh of relief.<br />
<br />
The look of terror on these gUrls' faces when, "Ladies, this is the final rose," is announced is insane.<br />
I felt like I was watching a bunch of third graders listen to a lecture on IRS tax codes.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
The final rose is handed out. And with with it: HEARTACHE.<br />
<br />
Paige is really sad. She's failed miserably at the Bachelor Pad and now at this.<br />
REAL QUESTION: HOW DO YOU BECOME A JUMBOTRON OPERATOR?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"This is the most embarrassing thing ever." -- Kelly</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">WRITE A BOOK, gUrl. Write a book.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>"It's been years since I've been in love. I miss it." -- Ashley H. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">WAIT. WHAT.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
Then she said, "devastation."<br />
We need to get these gUrls a dictionary!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
Admittedly, I didn't watch the previews for the rest of the season.<br />
<br />
It's just all so sad.<br />
So sad.<br />
<br />
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-42869051308462699992012-12-20T09:32:00.003-06:002012-12-20T09:42:26.388-06:00crimmas movie quotes: updated. As I was driving to work this morning I think I got honked at by another driver. I say <i>I think</i>, because I'm not entirely sure who the honk was directed towards.<br />
<br />
Regardless of who the honk was aimed at, the first thought that popped into my head was a quote from the Crimmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life." The quote being, "Teacher says, 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Upon this quote entering into my thought process I began to think of what this quote would look like if this movie was remade today, in 2012.<br />
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And thus, brilliance was born. Updated Crimmas movie quotes, if the movies were remade in 2012.<br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;">IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Original:</b> “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "Daddy, teacher says, every time someone honks at you in Crimmas traffic by the mall an angel gets its wings."</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Original:</b> "<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today: </b>"You're killing the middle class."</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;">HOME ALONE</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Original:</b> “KEVVVVVVVVVIIIINNNNNNNNN!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "JAXXXXXXXXXX-OOOONNNNNNN!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Original</b>: “Okay, this is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?”</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "This is like, major. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family to get an updated data plan for our iPhones?"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original:</b> "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">I made my family disappear. I made my family disappear!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "I blocked my family's status updates from appearing in my Facebook newsfeed, so it's like they disappeared."</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;">MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original:</b> “</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">If you're really Santa Claus, you can get it for me. And if you can't, you're only a nice man with a white beard, like mother says."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "OMG. Google it. Amazon has everything."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original: </b>"</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today: "</b>What does Donald Trump say? I'd like to see his birth certificate."</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;">NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original:</b> “</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original: </b>"</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "Happy Holidays, kiss my ass."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"><b>Original:</b> "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"> "</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"><b>Today</b>: "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">Hallelujah! Holy shit! I need a Xanax."</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;">A CHRISTMAS CAROL</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original:</b> “</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "It gets better."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original:</b> “</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">Bah humbug!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "F, you!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original</b>: </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e; line-height: 23px;">“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e; line-height: 23px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b> "I mean, I got mad love for Christmas! Imma respect Christmas. Mad love for Christmas, y'all."</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><b>Original:</b> “</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">God bless us, everyone!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Today:</b>"You get a car, you get a car, you get a car! Everybody. Gets. A. Car."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2c2d2e;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b>Mur Crimmas, internetS! May your shitter never be full!</b></span></span><br />
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-64782679135925080892012-12-14T11:40:00.003-06:002012-12-14T11:40:55.917-06:00crimmas gift guide: dos.<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
Omigah. Only 10 shopping days left before perpetual disappoint sets in and you walk away from Crimmas morning the proud owner of more than one flashlight and several pairs of socks. </div>
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Let's avoid that disappoint for your family and friends with these fabulous finds. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EtUGsEBt1vM/UMi69TBYAJI/AAAAAAAAKIw/vJ4mlJuM27o/s1600/bookholder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EtUGsEBt1vM/UMi69TBYAJI/AAAAAAAAKIw/vJ4mlJuM27o/s320/bookholder.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">Book Holder</span></b></b><br />
<b>For: The Avid Reader who Can't Move His/Her Arms</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, how often are you sitting in a chair, just holding your book and suddenly, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED from all the work of sitting and holding a book? Like, all. the. time.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B-Lqfpg5Uec/UMi6-D1OQOI/AAAAAAAAKI0/nAsnFiSoaEA/s1600/cowwind.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B-Lqfpg5Uec/UMi6-D1OQOI/AAAAAAAAKI0/nAsnFiSoaEA/s320/cowwind.jpg" width="81" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><b>Cow Wind Chime</b></span><br />
<b>For: The Cow Lover</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, if you love cows, you want to enjoy their beauty.<br />
<b>Bonus:</b> The wind chime sounds like a dream angel serenading you on your back porch while you are peacefully reading a book THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BOOK HOLDER. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NDCJTmTdukI/UMi6_hPaVJI/AAAAAAAAKJI/p1-N2Z_-sAk/s1600/lamp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="290" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NDCJTmTdukI/UMi6_hPaVJI/AAAAAAAAKJI/p1-N2Z_-sAk/s320/lamp.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">Ice Cream Cone Lamp</span></b></b><br />
<b>For: The Avid Reader with a Sweet Tooth</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, lamps are a yawn! Spice (or SWEET) it up a bit and get a lamp shaped like an ice cream cone.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gfZZHFOQ-oI/UMi7BTa9bcI/AAAAAAAAKJY/bZomUBd9xl4/s1600/raptordog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gfZZHFOQ-oI/UMi7BTa9bcI/AAAAAAAAKJY/bZomUBd9xl4/s320/raptordog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">Raptor Dog Costume</span></b></b><br />
<b>For: The Dog/Dinosaur Lover</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, what person doesn't want to own a dinosaur?<br />
<b>Bonus</b>: Your dog looks like a dinosaur now.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FyYIwx9F7tg/UMi7CqMOF7I/AAAAAAAAKJo/cYafKpnLWbg/s1600/spa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FyYIwx9F7tg/UMi7CqMOF7I/AAAAAAAAKJo/cYafKpnLWbg/s320/spa.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></b>
<b><b><span style="color: red;">Portable Spa</span></b></b><br />
<b>For: Everyone</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, how many times have you showed up at a friend's house hoping to just relax in the jacuzzi and you can't?<br />
<b>Bonus:</b> IT'S A PORTABLE SPA, Y'ALL. </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TwtIC-VbZCc/UMtj3uhfGnI/AAAAAAAAKKY/D37gHF6Kxkk/s1600/shirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TwtIC-VbZCc/UMtj3uhfGnI/AAAAAAAAKKY/D37gHF6Kxkk/s320/shirt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">The One-of-a-Kind Shirt</span></b></b><br />
<b>For: The Fashion-Forward Man</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, men are unique individuals, most with a style all their own.<br />
<b>Bonus:</b> All shirts are a piece of art and no patterns are repeated-- you pick the patterns you want!<br />
<b>Double Bonus: </b>Great for a night out on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties or any other time you want to stand out!</div>
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-142594597838694892012-11-30T11:40:00.000-06:002012-11-30T11:40:02.550-06:00crimmas gift guide. Hey, holiday shoppers! If you are reading this it means you survived Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Congratulations, I'm sure you're family is going to want you around that tree in a few weeks. Especially if you're bringing gifts and especially if you're bringing some of these great items I've picked out for you and yours!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-u3P-XCi6XFQ/ULjtWE6b2uI/AAAAAAAAJ2E/1KixLJTGM6A/s1600/KFC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-u3P-XCi6XFQ/ULjtWE6b2uI/AAAAAAAAJ2E/1KixLJTGM6A/s320/KFC.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Build Your Own KFC</span></b></div>
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<b>For:</b> The KFC Lover</div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, typically you can only keep KFC one of two places: an actual KFC or your heart. Well, fret no more! You can now build a KFC in your own home to enjoy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. </div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vpmJ5eOkAf0/ULjtXCJdZxI/AAAAAAAAJ2M/NVeA4_LilM0/s1600/bootdazzles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vpmJ5eOkAf0/ULjtXCJdZxI/AAAAAAAAJ2M/NVeA4_LilM0/s320/bootdazzles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">Boot Dazzles</span></b></b><br />
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<b><b>For:</b> The Fashionable Boot Lover</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, sometimes you buy a pair of boots and then, you think, "My boots are boring!" Not anymore! Not if you buy that someone special some boot dazzles! Dress 'em up, dress 'em down!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jLMUFZzkTEg/ULjtX6jkf9I/AAAAAAAAJ2U/hdnfP5zHYAE/s1600/foxy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jLMUFZzkTEg/ULjtX6jkf9I/AAAAAAAAJ2U/hdnfP5zHYAE/s320/foxy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">Foxy Sleeping T</span></b></b></div>
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<b><b>For:</b> The Foxiest Lady You Know</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, women always to feel foxy and want to know that you think they are foxy. What says just that better than this foxy sleeping T? Your lady is sure to look foxy as all-get-out donning it.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BQyxfTZYJ2s/ULjtYnbB0VI/AAAAAAAAJ2c/SKEHex71zi4/s1600/longreach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="316" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BQyxfTZYJ2s/ULjtYnbB0VI/AAAAAAAAJ2c/SKEHex71zi4/s320/longreach.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">The Long Reach</span></b></b></div>
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<b><b>For:</b> The Laziest Person You Know</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, everybody poops. It's true! I had a book about it.<br />
<b>But, why? </b>Because, some people are lazy. And now, those lazy people can be even more lazy with this toilet paper reacher! You reach, you wipe, you win!<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xQ38VoCz0nE/ULjtZFekIEI/AAAAAAAAJ2k/WHd4oYJa9L0/s1600/squirrellhead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xQ38VoCz0nE/ULjtZFekIEI/AAAAAAAAJ2k/WHd4oYJa9L0/s320/squirrellhead.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><b><span style="color: red;">Squirrel Wall Mount</span></b></b></div>
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<b><b>For:</b> Everyone</b></div>
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<b>Why:</b> Because, traditional, functional decor never goes out of style and that's exactly what this is. </div>
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lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-89403324228214175252012-09-21T09:47:00.002-05:002012-09-21T09:47:14.333-05:00style post :: my bedroom. <span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Before I even knew what the word <i>style </i>meant people were telling me I had it. I didn't believe people then and I don't believe people now (COLOR ME HUMBLE), but sometimes, possessing an elusive, subjective quality with an incredibly loose definition is something that you just cannot escape. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So, internetS, I'm giving in. I don't like to get too personal on the internetS, because who wants to read that, but today I'm going to let you into my bedroom and give you a glimpse of my home and my stylish decor taste! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">People are always commenting on my photos and e-mailing me questions about my style and tastes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">One of the main questions people are constantly asking me is, "What would you call your personal style?"</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Where do I start?!</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">If I'm getting dressed, I'm always trying to look like I could attend a yacht party at a moment's notice. But, I also want to be able to walk down an alley and not get mugged for looking too refined (as if that's even possible). So, for clothing, I would say I'm a bit of an East Coast-preppy-hipster-with-a-hiking-mentality and pops of bold, bright colors and whispers of whimsy. Too easy!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">As far as decorating goes, it's a little bit tougher to nail down. I want my personality to shine through and I want to pay tribute to my heritage and the things I am most passionate about. So, I guess you could call my decorating style: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern-matronly-Christian-woman. </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Now that that is out of the way, let's get to the bedroom!</span></b><br />
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<b>The bedspread: </b>I got this little number at a super fun, modern store called Dillard's! Sensible prices and large selections! I loved the soft beige and yellow and then just died over the pops of coral, so it was one of those <i>must have </i>pieces. <br />
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<b>The dresser:</b> What a labor of love this item was! I got it my sophomore year in college and it was this horrifically stained piece for years until I finally got a hold of some sand paper and new drawer pulls! It took me a couple of days to sand down and re-stain, but I love how it turned out! Looks like Dolley Madison could have owned it or something! It not only serves as my dresser, but a night stand, too! [Look closely, do you see ole Abe Lincoln peeking at you?]<br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The book case: </b>Can you say steal of the Century? This was the first piece of furniture I bought myself when I moved to Dallas. It's from Ikea and has served me so well! It houses all of my favorite books and a few loose items, too! See any books you might like to borrow? I've got a pretty extensive collection ranging from about 25 different collections of other people's personal essays, lots of books about Jesus and then the real gems: <span style="background-color: white;">a book about James Garfield's assassination, three books about Franklin Pierce (14th President), more than one book about John Adams, a book exploring George Washington's complex view of Christianity, 800-pages on why Richard Nixon was the way he was and of course, a book about Martin Van Buren. MARTIN VAN BUREN. There's more, but I won't bore you with the details!</span></span><br />
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<b>The chair: </b>Definitely my favorite item in my room. This chair was passed down from my Grandmother Bonnie to me. It's comfortable, it swivels and it reminds me of spending lots and lots of time in her home! The back features orange crayon that has likely been there for well over 20 years! Depending on your sources you could say this is an antique piece, but for me I'll stick with vintage! Yes, that's an antique map hiding behind the chair! There's just never enough time, you know?!<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V2LbSvq0uFw/UFx3c_HLAiI/AAAAAAAAJxM/sJqbNXY29cs/s1600/trunk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V2LbSvq0uFw/UFx3c_HLAiI/AAAAAAAAJxM/sJqbNXY29cs/s400/trunk.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The trunk: </b>My grandfather made this for me before I was born, so again: VINTAGE. It's handcrafted with detail and love. Currently, it serves as a storage facility for blankets and junk mail. </span><br />
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<b>The globe: </b>Now, this is one item that IS without a doubt an antique. It's pre-1960 and was quite the find! I was just rummaging through my grandmother's storage room when this globe started calling my name! I told my grandmother I was taking it and she couldn't stop me! I mean, what a deal. Right? The books featured under the globe are pretty great, too. It's a series of American history books from 1776-1968. The globe, books and photos of the Capitol Rotunda and Independence Hall really capture what I'm going for: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern. I die.<br />
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<b>Wall Art: </b>Remember how I said I like my decor to reflect my personality and what I am passionate about? Well, here you go! The vintage map of Arkansas represents my home, my family and my Arkansas Razorbacks. The hand-drawn individual sketches of all the presidents represent my passion for America, learning, art and fun! Sometimes I find myself just staring at both of these pieces for minutes on end.<br />
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<b>So, there you have it! That's my bedroom. </b></div>
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<b>It's stylish, fun, comfortable (and cozy!) and very reflective of who I am. </b></div>
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What do you want to see next? I know, I know-- a peek into my closet! Patience, dear ones!</div>
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-78073026036995184332012-08-28T12:08:00.001-05:002012-08-28T12:11:07.595-05:00school days. In a weird twist of fate I've managed to be out of high school for 10 years. I've been out of college for 6 years. So, if you do the math, I haven't had any formal education in quite a few semesters.<br />
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But, alas school goes on without me and according to my Facebook Newsfeed every single person I know has a child going back to school this week or is a teacher going back to school. I guess as long as the teachers don't start posting their feeding and sleeping schedules we'll all be all right.<br />
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To honor the long line of teachers I come from (seriously, a shit ton of people in my family have been teachers) here are some back-to-school photos compliments of lc of lcblogs.com.<br />
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<b>KINDERGARTEN</b></h2>
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The Brosef got super sassy with his pose. Or. He was just showing off his really impressive dinosaur backpack. Knowing my brother it could go either way. He's very sassy and very showy. Honestly, it's likely that he was being sassy AND showing off the impressive dinosaur backpack that was probably special ordered from the back of a Highlights Magazine. He was in 3rd grade. </div>
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When you look at the casual-cool I am exuding in this photo you would have no idea I was about to enter into my FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL EVER. I was too cool to even look at the camera, but I knew my mom wanted a smile, so I looked off to the side just a smidge and gave her one. The hands in the pockets? Clearly, I'm saying, "Screw you, kindergarten!" The bag on one shoulder? It's like I had done it all before. There's not a hint of nervousness in me, save my left foot. The slight flex of the left foot is happening to let people know, "Hey, I'm 5. Stay cool."</div>
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I have to assume I picked out my own outfit. I wanted to portray casualness, but also that an effort was made and that I was very serious about my education. If you look at my brother's outfit you can tell he was not thinking the same thing. The suspenders and loafers really put this outfit over the top. </div>
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<i>God love my mother for trying her damndest with me and my wardrobe growing up. </i></div>
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3rd GRADE</h2>
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It was at this point that I decided to just be serious about my education and to not worry at all about my attire. The floral print shirt was chosen to let everyone know that I was thinking about becoming a Democrat and the plaid messenger bag was foreshadowing to my dreams of becoming an elitist East Coast academic. </div>
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I also wanted all the boyZ in my 3rd grade class to know that I was a lady and I was going to dress like one. The 13-inch inseam in my shorts was the perfect way to get that point across. I rarely advertise what isn't on the menu. </div>
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The outfit was completed by matching my brown socks perfectly to my brown bow. </div>
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I was going into the school year with a broken arm, but my still tan skin was there to let everyone know that I still swim with a broken arm, so "BACK THE F UP, 3rd GRADE."</div>
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My brosef is pictured in what would become his uniform for life: a polo shirt and khaki shorts. He opted not to smile because he was a 6th grade boy. </div>
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-31896846622992119532012-08-01T09:06:00.000-05:002012-08-01T09:06:24.637-05:00the olympics: commentating.We're going to pretend like NBC isn't running most major events on tape delay for a few moments and dive (pun intended) right into the second biggest headache of the games of 30th Olympiad: the commentators.<br />
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OY VEY.<br />
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Matt Lauer got us started off right during the Opening Ceremony when he said these two things:<br />
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<b><span style="color: blue;">"The queen, everyone knows she's got a wicked sense of humor."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"I don't know if that's cute or creepy."</span></b><br />
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<b>SWIMMING</b><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gFgdiUuh0UM/UBkpBiZILNI/AAAAAAAAJXw/RUtJeTNYxdE/s1600/photo+(2).jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gFgdiUuh0UM/UBkpBiZILNI/AAAAAAAAJXw/RUtJeTNYxdE/s400/photo+(2).jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines,<br />
making Olympic swimming almost unbearable.<br />
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What's with these guys? They stand unbelievably close together and offer almost no insight into the majority of what we see on our television screens. The only thing Rowdy ever talks about is underwater turns and strong finishes. I wish he would go under the water and stay there.<br />
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At one point, Rowdy told me to <b><span style="color: blue;">"watch the clock"</span></b> during a race. Instead of the race? Or at the same time? Or what? Was the clock going to swim?<br />
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<b>GYMNASTICS</b><br />
I was never a gymnast on any level. Like, I can't even do a forward roll. And I've tried. However, I had enough friends compete to know what's going on.<br />
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The things that these people do with their bodies needs no commentary. The fact that they are flying through the air and twisting 17-26 times while wearing bedazzled eye shadow and enough hair clips to withstand Katrina speaks for itself. Just shut up and we'll watch.<br />
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But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They have to say audacious things like, <b><span style="color: blue;">"She's better than she deserves to be."</span></b> I'm sorry?! How hard has this kid worked? I mean, I was a mediocre high school athlete and I worked hard to be mediocre. My parents watched thousands of dollars flow out of their bank account to support my mediocrity. And this gUrl, who is clearly more talented and more hard-working than I, is being told she doesn't deserve it? Absurd.<br />
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I just need someone to explain the damn scoring system to me at the beginning and then shut the hell up.<br />
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<b>ARCHERY</b><br />
At one point, the commentator told me that, Khatuna Lorig, competing in her 5th Olympics, never really felt comfortable with her sport until she trained the actors in "The Hunger Games" to shoot a bow and arrow.<br />
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That has to be a joke, right? If she was so ashamed, why wouldn't she just quit? I'm sure Katniss just really changed her life.<br />
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<b>BASKETBALL</b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">"Can we like Lebron James now?"</span></b><br />
Yeah, don't get me started.<br />
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<b>EQUESTRIAN</b><br />
This is the event that really just sent me over my limit. Granted, I know nothing about horses, equestrians, dressage, saddles, spurs or hay-- but, these people still took it to another level of absurdity.<br />
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We aren't going to discuss this, but Adele was playing in the background of one of the rides. ADELE. Can you imagine any other sport blaring Adele while the event is happening? OH. Michael Buble just came on. This can't be real. If you can dance your first dance at a wedding to the same song you can be an Olympian to, I'm out. OUT.<br />
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Also, at no point did these people ever explain anything to me. THIS IS AMERICAN TV. Do you think we have any clue what is happening? Have you ever seen an equestrian rider on a Subway commercial? No. That's why we need some help. Just tell us what is happening.<br />
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Who's the athlete? The horse or the rider? Who gets the medal? Do they make horse medals?<br />
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<b><span style="color: blue;">"I wish he would tuck that tie in, it's so unprofessional. You'd never see an American looking like that."</span></b><br />
Let's note that this man was commandeering a huge ass animal over obstacles when his tie slipped out of his jacket. What's more important-- his safety, the horse's safety OR his tie? Well, if you said safety, you're wrong. According to this lady his tie was most important.<br />
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Also, the Americans finished dead last in this particular competition, so who gives a rat's ass about what they look like. They probably look like losers with their ties all tucked in and a bunch of sorry scores on the scoreboard next to their names.<br />
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<b><span style="color: blue;">"French horses are so much lighter." </span></b><br />
Great! Horses everywhere are going to be watching their weight now just to live up to the lighter French horses. Horse anorexia: look for it to be a big issue come the 2016 election.<br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><b>"That's a rail."</b></span><br />
This was said AS THE HORSE KNOCKED A RAIL OVER. Clearly, this lady thought a blind person was watching and could only hear that a rail was knocked over, so she needed to explain it.<br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><b>"She has a sister named Linda."</b></span><br />
With a back story like that, who wouldn't want to know more? <i>Really?</i> Either tell me that Linda is a paraplegic because she fell off a horse and now the sister rides for both of them OR leave Linda out of it.<br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><b>"That was such a beautiful end to a beautiful ride, the picture would've been even prettier if she had tied her hair back."</b></span><br />
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I get it. This is a sport where people are wearing tuxedos and top hats. You need to look your best, BUT...they are on a damn horse. You could die while doing this or at least break your neck. Are we really concerned about hair?<br />
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<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-35767310922048337652012-07-31T07:51:00.001-05:002012-07-31T07:51:50.860-05:00bachelor pad: epi 2.<span style="color: red;">I know I didn't blog about last week's epi, but I'm glad I don't have a slutty twin sister.</span><br />
<span style="color: red;">AM I RIGHT?</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: red;">I'm going to attempt to recap this reality television disaster, but with so much happening at the exact same time that nothing is happening I can't guarantee much.</span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: red;">Also, this is a family-friendly blog. This show is not something you should ever mention watching to your family.</span><br />
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We open up with Erica's celebration.<br />
I would celebrate more if she wasn't wearing that dress. I think, technically, it's lingerie.<br />
I think.<br />
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Rachel takes it to the street with the twins later. Then, I don't know what happened. They were just arguing and crying. Arguing and crying. Crying and arguing.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried." -- Twin1</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">What. </span><br />
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Then, they made up.<br />
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Chrissy Poo is rockin' a wrinkled shirt and some sexy cargo pants.<br />
If by 'sexy' you mean gross linen cargo pants.<br />
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IT'S COMPETITION TIME!!!!!!!<br />
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In Bachelor Pad's ode to the Olympics, we're doing some rhythmic gymnastics. You have to believe that the actual gymnastic gUrls wish they were in London at the Olympics and well, they aren't. You have to imagine that their parents are just sad. SAD. All that money and time DOWN THE DRAIN. And now here they are on national television "coaching" these always half-a-step away from being drunk people.<br />
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The Padders are split into boy and gUrl groups. It's a shit show. I can't think of any other way to describe it. JUST SAD.<br />
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Erica Rose, of course, is the worst gUrl in the group. I think she's sedated. Has to be. Right?<br />
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Donna, the fan, is just "killing" it.<br />
But, that's according to Donna.<br />
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THIS IS REALLY STUPID.<br />
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Uh-oh! Leotards!<br />
Or just TARDS.<br />
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PERFORMANCE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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They put the gUrls in the same outfit as the boyz.<br />
TEEHEE!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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UH-OH. THE DENTIST AND JP ARE HERE TO JUDGE THE COMPETITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
When is she actually going to be a dentist? GO BE A DENTIST.<br />
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The other judge is supposedly a gymnastic medalist from the US, but she looks like a Pussycat Doll. I honestly don't know if I could choose between being a Pussycat Doll and an Olympic medalist. JOKE. I'd be a medalist.<br />
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The gUrls perform and it's pretty bad.<br />
Bad and sad.<br />
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THIS IS SO STUPID.<br />
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Next up, the boyZ.<br />
Supposedly, the boyZ were better than the gUrls, but I was checking Twitter for Olympic updates, so I don't know if that's really true or not.<br />
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WORST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: Erica Rose : (<br />
WORST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: Ed : (<br />
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BEST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: BLAKELY<br />
BEST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: MICHAEL<br />
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I'm watching this and I'm like, "THIS IS YOUR REAL LIFE."<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Michael isn't thinking strategy at all. He is looking for a love connection.<br />
LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE.<br />
And. Does this mean he's on the show for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?<br />
<br />
Erica Rose cannot handle that Donna is going on the date instead of her.<br />
Donna is wearing a crocheted, bare mid-riff top. It's cute, if you live in a trailer park and you aren't planning on being cold throughout the evening.<br />
<br />
Donna is workin' it.<br />
If you like Creed cover bands. Oh, that's not a Creed cover band?<br />
There was also a 70-year-old man in the crowd.<br />
<br />
Again: if you, as a band, end up on this show is it the highest or lowest point of your career? I say lowest. But, I'm not a band.<br />
<br />
OH. WE HAVE A KISS.<br />
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.<br />
<br />
Rachel says he's a phenomenal kisser.<br />
He's not a phenomenal dresser.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Somewhere else there's a burrday party going on for some gUrl. This boy throwing it is someone I have never seen on my television before. There's a lot of drama happening.<br />
<br />
At one point this gUrl says, "I'm someone he can take home to his family." About this time, she points to herself and she's wearing lacy, fingerless gloves. Talk about irony.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We get back to the group date and they are drinking, what seems to be straight whiskey.<br />
<br />
Michael pulls Donna aside and she's brought her 8th grade notebook. She creepily drew a sketch of Michael years ago and is now showing it to him. In return, Michael makes out with her, to "fulfill a fantasy." OY VEY.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Chris, wearing his token hoodie, is workin' that back and playing some GAME. He's kissing gUrls and then crawling into bed with other gUrls.<br />
<br />
It seems like these people wear their swimsuits all day long and I just have to note: that's pretty unsanitary and can cause some pretty disastrous things. Also note: not speaking from a personal experience, but 9th grade health class.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
RACHEL GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
So, I've figured out that Chris is partners with Blakeley, but he's making out with Jamie and saying he wants to be partners with her. They are BOTH wearing hoodies now. Now, they aren't wearing hoodies, but they are in the same bed. I CANNOT KEEP UP.<br />
<br />
Oh no!!!!!!!!!! Jamie just walked up to her bunk, but she found the hoodie-less couple smooching. ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OF HER BED, NO LESS. These people have no regard for others. Lots of tears.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Blakeley has to decide who to take on her date. She picks Chris, Ed and David. David starts crying when he's chosen. WEIRD.<br />
<br />
The date consists of some Soapbox Derby racing. YAWN.<br />
<br />
I mean, really Soapbox Derby? This is your marketing technique?<br />
<br />
CHRIS, WHAT SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?<br />
IS THAT A FISHING SHIRT?<br />
OR WHAT IS THAT?<br />
<br />
There's a lot of spray paint and a lot of plotting by the pool.<br />
These people must not have actual lives. I cannot imagine leaving my life and my job to go on this show. After taxes and splitting $250,000, that's not much money.<br />
<br />
Ed wins the derby and he drinks out of the trophy.<br />
Shocking.<br />
<br />
It's after-date cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Lots of "strategy" talk. And lots of sad, sad behavior from these adults.<br />
<br />
David opens up to Blakeley.<br />
Chris opens up to Ed in the pool.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I'd be sitting in an 8x8 storage room with you and could be happy." -- Chris to Blakeley</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">My main question would be: why are you in an 8x8 storage room?</span><br />
<br />
David's strategy doesn't work. Chris gets the rose. NO ONE CARES.<br />
<br />
THE OLYMPICS ARE ON. WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS?<br />
<br />
All the BP'ers are at the pool and hooking up.<br />
Literally, everyone is hooking up but Sarah.<br />
She remedies that and takes Ed upstairs.<br />
Dads everywhere cried. Like, real tears.<br />
<br />
We hear from the Twins for the first time in a while. They both are having a mental breakdown.<br />
It's honestly entertaining to hear the other BP'ers talk about them.<br />
<br />
There's just a lot of crying.<br />
Like, a lot of crying.<br />
<br />
Eventually, they get in a van and leave.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
No gUrls have to leave.<br />
<br />
At this point, I have no idea what is happening. People are voting, people are crying, people are plotting against one another. I figured out that one gUrl is strategizing to get her own partner voted off. Like, THE OLYMPICS ARE ON.<br />
<br />
<b><i>FAST FORWARD.</i></b><br />
<br />
Chris calls, "final rose tonight."<br />
<br />
ED GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!<br />
RYAN IS LEAVING BACHELOR PAD IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
What. a. disaster.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"I'm leaving with nothing." -- Ryan</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">No, son. You're leaving with some pride. Get the hell out of there. </span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We have to do this again next week?<br />
Kill me.lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-2594708302024539742012-07-23T09:47:00.004-05:002012-07-23T09:47:53.984-05:00the bachelorette :: emily : final epi.Well, gang.
It's 'F' for the win.
I'm in Napa Valley on vacay and didn't see the epi. No blog from me today. I'll try to get one up in the near future.
Peace and blessin'.lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-31481694142538626372012-07-17T09:32:00.002-05:002012-07-17T09:32:35.541-05:00the bachelorette :: emily : men tell all.The people who created this show are absolute geniuses. The premise isn't that all that cerebral or anything, but the fact that they can continue to draw people into this false reality is astonishing. I'm definitely a victim. The worst part is that they convince us to watch <i>this</i> episode and lead us to believe we'll learn some juicy details about the season. In reality, we got about 19 minutes of interview time with Mama Bear and some of the boyZ. Such a load of shit.<br />
<br />
During Emily's first one-on-one with Chrissy Poo, while discussing <i>some</i> of the most "unforgettable" moments, Mama Bear says dating with a daughter is HARD. She says this whole experience didn't affect Ricki at all. At all? Really? JOKE.<br />
<br />
She then says that interrupting gUrl talk is the golden rule. I guess she means the golden rule is that you <i>don't</i> interrupt gUrl talk?<br />
<br />
The sexual tension and chemistry between Chrissy Poo and Mama Bear is insane. He's so protective of her. And Baby Boy really dislikes Ryan.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I know what it's like to be judged unfairly." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">I wish you would tell me more about that. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Emily saying, "Get the F out," was one of Chrissy Poo's all-time favorite moments ever.<br />
Cool.<br />
<br />
FAST FORWARD.<br />
<br />
BACH PAD PREVIEW: Whoa, Chris. You should probably get tested soon! Guess we finally have the answer to the age old question, "What becomes of the broken-hearted?" They go on another show and get. it. on.<br />
<br />
Now, we're watching some of the "drama."<br />
YAWN.<br />
<br />
Kalon takes the hot seat and before they can get into anything we have to "take a look back."<br />
This show, like every other epi, is just one huge, long recap of previous shows.<br />
If I wanted to set myself on fire five episodes ago, what do I want to do now? What's worse than setting yourself on fire? I need to know.<br />
<br />
OMIGAH. More baggage talk.<br />
Die.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I didn't know for a fact that I absolutely didn't want a step-child." -- Kalon</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">I can honestly say that today, I don't want one. What does that mean?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Remember how everyone hated CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle), but turns out she was just funny? Is that what's happening here?<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I guess my humor is wasted on a lot of people." -- Kalon</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Speaking straight to my damn heart. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
That guy who looks like a lion (an ugly lion) says Kalon was just there for the glitz and the glamour. We must've be watching different shows, Mustafa. What glitz? What glamour?<br />
<br />
Now, we have to watch Ryan's clips. I don't know if I completely disagree with Ryan or am totally on-board with him. But, then, I'm like, "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" Oh yeah, not me.<br />
<br />
Then, Chris tries to confront Ryan and well, it goes real poorly for Chris. Ryan puts him in his place at least half-a-dozen times and someone sitting behind Chris fist pumps non-stop throughout the confrontation. What was that? He'd fist pump for both of them, so what side is the fist pumper on?<br />
<br />
Ryan is very-well groomed, right? And so tan. Too tan. He looks like a Disney prince. But, not in the good way. He isn't ugly, but he's something. I just don't know anything anymore.<br />
<br />
Ryan told Chris he never considered him a front-runner.<br />
Chrissy Poo tells us Ryan won't be the next Bachelor.<br />
<br />
BORING.<br />
BORING.<br />
BORING.<br />
<br />
Oh, yay!<br />
It's time for Chris's one-on-one with Chrissy Poo.<br />
Will there be tears?<br />
<br />
I'm still crying over that tie he wore on his last night.<br />
<br />
Chris has a strong mustache going.<br />
Weak beard though.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I loved that gUrl 110 percent." -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">He got that one from his junior high basketball coach. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"We're here today, we could be gone tomorrow." -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">I wish that were actually true with this show. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Chris believes that falling in love is so special and that it can happen.<br />
This guy is so going to murder the next person who doesn't love him back.<br />
Mark it down.<br />
<br />
Now it's time for Sean. He still has very strong feelings for her. AWKWARD.<br />
<br />
IS ANYBODY REALLY READY TO TAKE IN A SIX-YEAR-OLD?<br />
I mean, one week you're a single insurance agent in Dallas and 6 weeks later you have a six-year-old?<br />
That sounds terrifying.<br />
<br />
Sean has never really had a broken heart.<br />
<br />
Sean is hopeful for the future.<br />
<br />
Mama Bear's turn in the hot seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
She is wearing the tightest dress any mother has ever adorned.<br />
<br />
Sean wants to thank Emily for opening up his eyes.<br />
Oh, Chris wants to say THE EXACT SAME THING.<br />
<br />
Emily confronts Kalon and she clearly hired a writer to help her deliver those lines. Kalon says, "Thanks for following me on Twitter."<br />
<br />
This is all too much.<br />
I hate myself so hard.<br />
<br />
Of course it's a rented helicopter!<br />
Who owns a helicopter?<br />
<br />
BLOOPER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
I laughed once.<br />
<br />
Ok, I turned it off.<br />
We learned nothing.<br />
<br />
However, I know a lot of homeless guys who date Emily. Probably.<br />
<br />
They didn't even talk to that one guy with the language barrier issue. That's who I wanted to hear from.<br />
Oh, ABC, I'm such a pawn in your game.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Well.<br />
There it is.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Will Chris Harrison announce that he's dating Emily next week?<br />
Here's hoping.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-91482336378162462992012-07-10T08:09:00.002-05:002012-07-10T08:09:44.931-05:00the bachelorette :: emily : epi 9.<b>"It's <i>all</i> tonight on the Bachelorette. "</b><br />
I should've stopped before I started.<br />
<br />
American Airlines flew these idiots down to Curacao and the opening background music had me believing I had accidently turned on the 5th, and likely, shittiest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean.<br />
<br />
Emily takes a walk on the beach and sits on a rock. While sitting on this rock she reflects back on the last 6 weeks. That lasted 9 minutes. For real. In real life she had to have been on that rock for longer than 9 minutes. Baby gUrl's butt <i>had</i> to be hurtin'.<br />
<br />
After she got off the rock she drew her name in the sand.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"Emily + ?"</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Right now I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?"</span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
It's time for Emily's date with Sean.<br />
I'm a little disturbed by his outfit.<br />
I own that shirt.<br />
And shorts that look pretty identical to those shorts.<br />
I bought mine on sale at the Gap in March. In the LADIES section.<br />
I also own several pairs of Toms.<br />
<br />
One time I was driving through downtown Dallas and I kid you not, there was a homeless man wearing the exact outfit I had on. Surprisingly, watching Sean prance around in clothes I own is way worse. WAY WORSE.<br />
<br />
Emily has on a shirt she originally bought for Ricki. But, Ricki said she wouldn't wear it because it's so ugly. She also said, "Mom, this shit is see-through, I can't wear it!"<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
What is this miraculous specimen of aviation?</div>
<br />
HOLY HELL. SHIT DAMN.<br />
A HELICOPTER.<br />
I'm telling you, these people are just full of surprises.<br />
<br />
And what's that? A private island? All for them?<br />
Again, I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?<br />
<br />
Sean tells a story about how he never wanted to hold some gUrl's hand. He made it sound so bad and terrible, but really-- he dated a gUrl in high school and they didn't get married. Guess what? I didn't marry my high school boyfriend either.<br />
<br />
How do these people hang out on the beach without sunglasses?<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"I'm crazy about you." -- Sean</span></b><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"Thank you." -- Emily</span></b><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Sean, ever the keen eye, spotted the snorkel stuff "over there."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">So, he had on those shorts <i>under</i> his other shorts? Two pairs of long shorts?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Sean is wearing a shirt that I swear on my life I own in a different color. Again, it's from the Gap. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Emily has a romantic dinner planned on the beach. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Again, Emily tells Sean she thinks he's perfect. He never really denies this claim, he just always smiles. I do like the way he maintains eye contact, but holy crap, NOT PERFECT. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">SeanBoy wrote Ricki a letter. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Is that his handwriting?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Reminds me of a middle school gUrl's handwriting. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">The letter was sweet. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">But, I'm not 100 percent positive that Ricki can actually read, so it's a wash. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Sean can't picture his life without Emily, but he never said if he would propose or not. I mean, not directly. Watching them kiss is enough to make me want to drink bleach. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">Fantasy suite card time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">So, they are just going to stay up chatting all night?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">I bet there will be puppy chow and all lots of hair braiding tools, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span">HOT TUB SEXY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Sean is like, so hot." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Literally or figuratively? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">You are in a hot tub. I just want to be on the same page as you, gUrl.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite.<br />
SHE'S A MOM, Y'ALL.<br />
If it's past 4am it counts as shacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Rules are rules.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
It's time for Jef (EXACTLY THE SAME NAME AS 'JEFF') to meet up with Mama Bear Emily. He's nervous about the day, but that's because hipsters don't do summer or water activities.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Look at where we are. We are in the middle of the ocean." -- Jef</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">You can find it on the map next to OLDEN DAYS. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
They discuss their time together at the family ranch and Jef (English for 'Jeff') tells Em that his parents decided they want to meet her. Oh, thank goodness!<br />
<br />
Ok, any dude who changes his name from JEFF to JEF and has parents that are smart enough and classy enough and have enough pride to not be seen on this show, just isn't cut out for this. He's too deep. Too sincere. I don't even think he's in this to promote his water company. Meaning, HE'S HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.<br />
<br />
I just don't see these two together. I mean, can you imagine him hanging out at a NASCAR event? Absolutely not. He will not like the South. At all. I bet he has friends that aren't white. He's going to be so confused.<br />
<br />
One plus? I bet they can share jeans.<br />
And maybe hair products.<br />
<br />
Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Jef (old English for 'Jeff') has some questions for Em, you know, just needs to cover some of the details. They discuss moving and getting a fresh start.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Next question, you're an amazing gUrl." -- Jef</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Not a question. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Basically, he asks Emily why she's still single. Are you kidding me?<br />
Remember her Baby Daddy died? And remember Brad proposed and then they broke up?<br />
That's why she's single. Read the internetS, Jef!<br />
<br />
Jef (sounds like 'GeoF') is single because he hasn't been able to see the end goal with anyone, but he can see that with Emily. Is he training for a marathon or dating?<br />
<br />
Emily wonders how Ricki would "fit in here." At this point, I'd say <i>awkwardly</i>. Can you imagine a six-year-old hanging out on this date and seeing Mama Bear read a note inviting a man back to her suite for the night?<br />
<br />
Oh, you mean fit into the big picture.<br />
My B.<br />
<br />
Jef turns down the fantasy suite card for Ricki and his family.<br />
Em is thankful.<br />
I dig it.<br />
<br />
But, wait! Twist! They are going to hang out!<br />
People, you can do stuff without spending the night.<br />
Just saying.<br />
<br />
------<br />
<br />
And here's Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrie!<br />
I wonder where Cassie the Producer is hanging out.<br />
<br />
He has on the same swim trunks as Sean.<br />
So, these dudes all wear v-necks and now they share bathing suits?<br />
OY VEY.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"One thing you can do that's cool is go swimming with dolphins, in the ocean." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Sounds like the best place to do it. IN THE OCEAN. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I know nothing about dolphins." -- Arie</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Good. That means you aren't a 6th grade gUrl. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Dolphins are not that scary." --Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Not <i>that</i> scary? What?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">So, they are a little bit scary?</span><br />
<br />
Arie says all they want to do when they are together is kiss. That's great and all, but very teenager-ish.<br />
<br />
Emily then shares her feelings about kissing Arie. She <b><i>LOVES</i></b> kissing Arie.<br />
<br />
Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"You're doing good in those heels." -- Arie</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Oh, is she? She saving babies and building houses or something?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Oh, you actually mean, she's walking well in them through the sand. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Oh. Well, you should've said that. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I don't know what you do on like, a Tuesday morning." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
Emily tells Arie he has to get up before 9am, but he isn't scared.<br />
<br />
Arie, like everyone else, wants to know what happens <i>after </i>this.<br />
<br />
They have not even touched whatever that monstrosity is on their plates.<br />
Could be a salad, could be a fish. Might be a crackhead, got a hold of the wrong stuff.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
They discuss loving Ricki and Arie just wants to be Ricki's friend. He sounds like he's breaking up with Ricki. But, Emily digs it.<br />
<br />
He's kind of saying all of the right things and not in the wrong way.<br />
<br />
Emily is having an inner-struggle. She's a role model and cannot give him the fantasy suite card. <i>At all.</i> She doesn't trust herself with inviting him in. I dig that. Way to go, gUrl!<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"There are three guys here and I can only pick one and that means my relationships with the others will be over." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">That's just for those of you keeping score at home on how this all works. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
-----<br />
<br />
Oh, good! Emily packed that horse ponytail for this trip!<br />
There's a bald horse running around North Carolina somewhere.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
It's time for her counseling session with Chrissy Poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
One time I heard someone say that when you look in the mirror before you leave the house you should probably take one thing off. Emily has never heard this advice.<br />
<br />
I do not even know how she came up with the outfit she's wearing. A Hanes wife-beater, a long sequined skirt, fake pearls and then, well I don't know what that other necklace is supposed to be. And of course, the horse ponytail. She's trying to be casual, but fashionable. It didn't work. It looks like her house flooded and she could only grab a few items and this is what she ended up with. I do like her eye make-up though!<br />
<br />
My favorite time of the season!<br />
Pre-filmed videos of the boyZ bearing their hearts and souls!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Totally normal thing to do in a relationship-- just make a video, share your feelings and boom.<br />
<br />
Sean starts off by yelling, "EMILY!" as if she thought the video might be for someone else.<br />
<br />
Jef tells Emily that he'll always defend her and protect her. It's his way of saying, "I GOT YOUR BACK." He's in. That's all she wants in a man.<br />
<br />
Arie says his heart is always racing towards her. No clue what that means. Like, no clue.<br />
<br />
-------<br />
<br />
ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Baby gUrl is strugglin'. Damn. She don't want to teach no lessons to anybody.<br />
<br />
Arie and Chrissy Poo are dressed alike.<br />
Oopsies!<br />
<br />
Emily knows none of the dudes think they are going home. She's about to SHOCK THE WORLD.<br />
<br />
So many tears. So many.<br />
Get it together, gUrl. Come on.<br />
<br />
After staring at the three photos, for what seemed like forever, she makes her move out to the boyZ.<br />
<br />
She can't believe she made it to this point.<br />
I have to agree. How did I make it this far, gUrl?<br />
<br />
She cares and she's sorry.<br />
<br />
Boom! Jef.<br />
<br />
Boom! Arie.<br />
<br />
: ( Sean.<br />
<br />
Sean is shocked. Just shocked.<br />
<br />
They walk out, hand-in-hand, and we get a full length shot of her skirt. I think it's actually curtains. So, she really may have lost everything in a flood and decided to save curtains instead of clothes.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"I feel kind of stupid." -- Sean</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Because you didn't understand the rules?</span><br />
<br />
Barbie Mom starts crying. She wanted it to be him so bad. So, so bad.<br />
Dogs are barking in the background and it's finally time for his long car ride home.<br />
<br />
Sean says he knew without a doubt that he was going to marry her.<br />
Clearly, I'm questioning his discernment at this point.<br />
Definitely not his spiritual gift.<br />
<br />
Emily takes some time for herself and sits on a bench.<br />
She looks up to the stars and cries.<br />
<br />
Sean feels like his life was stolen from him and there's nothing he can do about it.<br />
I mean, file a police report, son.<br />
<br />
Emily's still on the bench crying and Sean hasn't cried on camera yet. Big ups to him on that one.<br />
<br />
------<br />
<br />
And there you have it.<br />
Only two men remain.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-32861781546695964592012-07-03T08:20:00.001-05:002012-07-03T08:20:26.632-05:00the bachelorette :: emily : epi 8.Praise the Lord! Barbie Mom Emily has <i>finally</i> returned from her "old world" travels. That flight home from 1689 must have felt like an eternity.<br />
<br />
She returned home in the dead of night wearing an over-sized skull shirt. The shirt was over-sized and so was the skull. Both were over-sized. I cannot emphasize this enough. Such a big skull.<br />
<br />
She was greeted at the door by her Sweet Ricki and a "Welcome Home" sign that totally looked like it was made by a six-year-old.<br />
<br />
Then, she recapped the most tumultuous 4 weeks of her life-- the last 4.<br />
<br />
In the middle of the recap her hair came down, the sign came down and the clock struck 9:32, indicating bedtime for Sweet Ricki.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We head to Chicago where we meet up with young Chris, who is wearing an updated Members Only jacket. The second these two are on the screen together you can tell it's over. <b>OVER</b>.<br />
<br />
Chris tells Emily to expect a theme.<br />
The themes I picked up on: Chicago, Polish-ness<br />
<br />
Chris explains to us and Emily that his family is Polish. You can see the wheels spinning in Emily's head, <i>What does this mean? Did I go to Poland? Is that in the old world? </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Chris takes Emily to enjoy a Polish brew in the middle of the blustery Chicago day and they've got the joint to themselves. This was this restaurant's moment to shine and they decided to introduce themselves to the world by going with about 12 different fake plants and leaves and some maroon curtains. And a shit ton of wood paneling. At this point I picked up on another theme: BASEMENT.<br />
<br />
We finally head over to Lil' Poland to meet the fam.<br />
<br />
The second the door opens I pick up on another theme: Chris might be attracted to his sister, as Emily looks identical to one of them.<br />
<br />
They immediately sit down to dinner.<br />
<br />
WHITE WINE in the middle of winter? These are my type of people. I wonder if it was Polish wine? I'll have to google Polish wines later.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"So, you're his dad." -- Emily, to Chris's dad</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Struggle. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Dad tells Em that if she's looking for love and support Chris is it. If she's looking for something else, HIT THE ROAD.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I was a hot mess, Ma." -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">I hate that he was saying that in past tense. Baby boy is <i>still</i> a hot mess. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Look-alike Sister asks Emily what it is about Chris that she loves. Her answer is vague and Emily's upset that someday her brother might get his heart broken. She didn't even talk about Chris. She talked about her brother. Red flag.<br />
<br />
Oh, Chris. This is not going to end well.<br />
<br />
Chris calls himself crazy AND tells Emily he <i>IS</i> in love. Not just falling in love.<br />
<br />
Does he love her like I love pizza or like how John and Abigail Adams loved each other?<br />
Serious question.<br />
<br />
Then, Chris surprises Emily with a Polka band and some dancing.<br />
YAWN.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Let's rewind for just a quick second. In the opener, Emily said she wanted a guy with some edge.<br />
Baby gUrl, Jef (which is pronounced exactly like 'JEFF') isn't edgy, he just has a shitty (see: weird) haircut.<br />
<br />
Jef (presumably short for 'Jeff') introduces her to his ranch, Homestead Ranch (never saw a home).<br />
They shoot some skeet and baby boy isn't a terrible shot. Who knew?<br />
<br />
Emily isn't terrible either.<br />
She takes gun lessons at home.<br />
<br />
Quick question: What the hell is a 'gun lesson'?<br />
I don't think that's a thing.<br />
<br />
Jef (Polish for 'JEFF') breaks down the family situation to Emily and he nervously plays with her dress the whole time they are sitting under that fancy TJ Maxx umbrella on some hay bales.<br />
<br />
Jef throws her to the wolves (<i>Not</i> John's family! He got kicked off.) quickly.<br />
There's a lot of denim and a lot of death stares. Oh, and a lot of kids.<br />
<br />
Nothing says let's have a fun time like a tall glass of lemonade and what looks to be at least 48 hot dog buns.<br />
<br />
Jef's brother, Steve (presumably short for 'Steven'), pulls Emily aside to ask the tough questions. Steve isn't wearing a wedding ring, but he's married. This leads me to believe that he's part of a cult and he has more than one wife. Maybe I've been watching "Sister Wives" on TLC too much?<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"You have to have the fundamentals." -- Steve, to Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Is he drafting a basketball team or looking for a sister-in-law?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Maybe he's looking for a new wife and means <i>FUNDAMENTALIST</i>?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
The sisters pull Emily aside and the tough questions continue.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"A dad, a step-dad, whatever." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">No, no. Not whatever.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Emily tells the sisters that she's falling in love, but she's slow to throw that word out.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I'm a mom, too." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">THIS IS NEW INFORMATION TO ME. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">A MOTHER?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Jef takes Emily to an overlook and he shares some notes her wrote on the way home from the Old World.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I love how good of a person you are." -- Jef</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">There has to be a better way to say that. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I love how funny we are together." -- Jef</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">I've never laughed less. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
And then they made out while laying on a blanket.<br />
Again.<br />
<br />
This old dog needs to learn some new tricks.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We're headed to the race track to hang out with Awesome Arie.<br />
<br />
Emily is wearing what looks to be semi-formal attire.<br />
<br />
ABC is always stirring up some fake drama, so I was really expecting them to lay it on thick with this whole race car thing. WRONG. All we get is, "That's so different than NASCAR."<br />
<br />
Arie whisks Emily away from the race track to a field surrounded by some apartments. He puts a blanket down for them to sit on and it's at this point, he just. starts. talking.<br />
<br />
Arie's parents are <i>so</i> European. They have different values. They are open-minded. No, they aren't open-minded. They say what's on their minds. He's so nervous.<br />
<br />
I am so confused.<br />
At this point, I'm expecting Russians dictators or like, Nazis or something.<br />
He did a terrible job of prepping her to meet these people.<br />
<br />
It's finally time.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I've been looking forward to meeting y'all for a while now. Arie says such great things." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">LIES. You lie! He said weird things! And confusing things!</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Oh yeah, Charlotte, we raced there in the '90s." -- Arie's Dad</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">OY VEY. The Charlotte tourism people have to be dying. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Not very sexy." -- Arie's Dad, again</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">And there it is. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Charlotte's new slogan. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<i>CHARLOTTE: Not very sexy. </i><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Then, they started speaking Dutch and like, COME ON, son! Don't play this game. Dutch?! It's not even Spanish. Who can pick up on Dutch? Baby gUrl needs to put this on her list: must learn Dutch. <i>NEXT. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Arie's mom, dressed like a sexy European, pulls Emily aside. She's very confused. She saw Brad propose and now Emily is sitting here in her sexy European bedroom! How did this all happen? It's all a big surprise!<br />
<br />
Arie Senior likes her Southern accent.<br />
<br />
Everyone approves.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
On to the next one!<br />
<br />
We head to Dallas (D-Town Dougie).<br />
<br />
Right off the bat: <i>WRONG</i>. Cows?! Really? Where did they go to find those damn things? OY VEY.<br />
<br />
Sean's hanging out with his dogs at the lake. The lake that also serves as a water treatment facility. You don't want to fall in that thing.<br />
<br />
Sean has his dogs with him on leashes and the second Emily gets out of the car he drops the leashes as if he's showing off. It was very odd. Also, his dogs have very, very people-ish names. Like, as in, names that I know people have recently named their babies.<br />
<br />
So, Sean has prepared a picnic. He makes her sit in the middle of a field that hasn't been mowed. Listen up, I've been on like, two dates to White Rock Lake (LOOK OUT) and there are other places to sit. Places that won't make you itch. This is just terrible. I hope Baby gUrl doesn't suffer from allergies.<br />
<br />
Sean launches into some weirdo story about how great he is with women.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"I will never ever allow a gUrl give herself to me if I can't reciprocate." -- Sean</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">SAY WHAT. I for real need to know if he means that literally. Like, for real. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"He really is so perfect." -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">FALSE. He lives in Dallas. </span><br />
<br />
He keeps calling his life "simple." That stresses me out. Has he never sat in traffic? I know that guy probably only buys organic. I've never been to Whole Foods and thought, <i>This is so simple</i>. No, it's hard!<br />
<br />
He just left that damn blanket in the middle of the field. And why did he bring a football? Baby gUrl ain't about to toss around the pigskin anytime in this century. <i>PUH-LEASE. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Sean takes us to his childhood home.<br />
<b>IT IS NOT IN DALLAS.</b><br />
COLLEYVILLE IS NOT DALLAS.<br />
It's not even in Dallas County.<br />
<br />
Kensington?<br />
You gotta take a nap after saying that name.<br />
<br />
If she says "perfect" one more time I'm going to set myself on fire.<br />
<br />
Sean plays a joke on her. Oh, just dying here. He tells her he lives at home and takes her to a messy room.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"He's a mess and he's really into stuffed animals." -- Emily</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Real LOL. </span><br />
<br />
Oh, he's joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
They are so lighthearted!<br />
<br />
Sean sits down with his perfect dad. Are these two really related? I see ZERO similarities.<br />
<br />
Sean talks about this relationship he has with his dad and <i>blahblahblah</i>, but then Dad comes in and is all like, "He's never shared anything with me before!" So confused.<br />
<br />
Dad's heart might explode.<br />
His heart might explode at the same time that my head explodes.<br />
<br />
Do they really drink dark beer?<br />
What was that?<br />
<br />
Sean says bye to Emily.<br />
Of course, he says bye with some real TONGUE-Y kisses.<br />
This kid needs help.<br />
So. much. tongue.<br />
<br />
I should not be able to see your tongue when kissing.<br />
<br />
But, wait! He needs more.<br />
He takes off in the most leisurely jog ever, yelling at what was <i>NOT</i> the top of his lungs and goes to get another kiss.<br />
<br />
The way he strolls back to his house made me want to move to Colleyville/DIE. It was terrible. He thinks he's hot shit. I mean, I know everyone is saying he's so great and loves the Lord and <i>blahblahblah</i>, but I haven't heard him mention that yet. Like, not once. He just struts around in his tight shirts and lame jeans.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
RECAP TIME WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
What is even the point?<br />
<br />
PEACE OUT, POLKA CHRIS.<br />
<br />
I think Chris's tie was leftover from a wedding he was in once.<br />
No one would ever actually buy a tie that color unless he was trying to match a bridesmaid's dress.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"Do you have an explanation?"</span></b><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"I don't have an explanation."</span></b><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"But, it was me?"</span></b><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">"No, it wasn't."</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">LIES, Emily. LIES.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you!" -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Oh, shit. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">ZING. BAM. BOOM. POW.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and think, 'I made a mistake.'" -- Emily</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Yeah right. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and move to Colleyville.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>"I thought she loved me back. This sucks." -- Chris</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Well. That sums it up, right?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
Chris doesn't do himself any favors in the limo.<br />
He's too emotional for this show. And that's saying something.<br />
I think we'll see him in anger management soon.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
We learn that the gang is headed to the Carribbean next week.<br />
I hope they all drown there.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
Do I have to address the armadillo joke?<br />
Don't make me.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />lchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293968160209501745noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-811877771723427192.post-23306203463509635402012-07-02T14:40:00.001-05:002012-07-02T14:42:03.550-05:00boys of summer: part 3.For the next leg of the trip the band of merry rebels headed over to Royal Gorge, Colorado for some whitewater rafting.<br />
<br />
GW obviously rode the bull. Madison sat this one because he was too short.<br />
<br />
It should be noted that the men kept referring to the gorge as the "Executive" Gorge rather than "Royal." Talk about crazy!<br />
<br />
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