Tuesday, June 5, 2018

the bachelorette :: becca : epi 2.

Becca is on her "first date since Arie" and I think there should be a moratorium on how many times she's allowed to say the word "Arie."

Say Arie again. 

Chrissy Poo arrives to tell the baby bois that Becca isn't here to mess around or take any shit from anyone. He called it advice but it wasn't very advice-y.


Itz group date time and guess what! The men have to wear tuxedos and compete in a Groomsday Obstacle Course. One contestant called it "a complete blindside." Which, he's either an idiot or the one man on earth who hasn't seen this play out before.

Becca is being joined by Rachel Lindsay and that guy that isn't Peter. And once again, ABC has missed out on not giving us what we really want from Rachel-- that damn dog, Copper.

The obstacles on the course all have stupid cliche wedding names, but more importantly, Rachel got to make a really inappropriate joke.

I'm not convinced that Male Model Jordan is a real person with real thoughts in his head. Chris, you know the guy with more teeth in his mouth than most of us, is getting more screen time than Becca and he was definitely that guy in class that asked a question right before the teacher was going to dismiss you. He just. keeps. talking. And then he talks some more.

Lincoln, the man with an accent I have yet to decipher, won the obstacle course, but he cheated. The cheating part only bothered me until Becca brought out an 8x10 of the moment and then Lincoln carried the damn thing around like it was an Olympic medal.

Lincoln got very aggressive while kissing Becca and he described it like "flying to the moon." It looked a little more like a riding lawn mower situation to me.

As the cocktail party progressed and the Young Republicans debated on telling Becca about Lincoln cheating or not, they also decided to take the photo of Lincoln and Becca and throw it into the pool. It was a bold move-- maybe a little over-the-top, but maybe just the right amount of Real World-Road Rules Challenge crazy.

Lincoln is v upset about the photo, but I'm not sure how upset because I cannot understand most of the words he says. Is he Dutch? His accent sounds like he's a fake prince on a Hallmark movie. His haircut says something else.

Of course, Lincoln decided to tell Becca that the photo was thrown into the pool. I think Lincoln is crying. He also feels threatened physically.

"I'm disappointed in Connor. That's a very aggressive reaction to have." -- Becca
Insert SNL's "Welcome to Hell" video here. 

Becca pulled Connor aside and told him it wasn't the best time to continue getting to know each other. Connor's take on it was simply, "I'm definitely not getting the rose." I wasn't paying attention to see who did get the rose. I didn't want to rewind because Lincoln is now crying about "that picture meant a lot to me."

I'm wondering if he grew up without photos or maybe doesn't understand digital photos and that that photo can be printed again. 


It's time for Becca's "first real date since I was engaged" and I'm going to need her to quit with the qualifiers. 

I like ugly sweaters, but this mean's sweater is like, actually ugly. This man's mother or sister should have stepped in during this packing situation. 

For Blake and Becca's 1-on-1 date they are going to tear some shit up with the help of... Lil' Jon. 

I AM SORRY, THIS IS THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US THE WORDS: Three, six, nine, damn your fine / Move it till you sock it to me one more time / Get low, get low (Get Low) get low (Get low) get low (Get low) and now he's here? LIL' JON, FIRE YOUR MANAGER. 

As Becca was in full Demo Day mode, Blake said he really liked how happy she was destroying shit. I mean, I get that, but also-- weird. She just got mad at a guy for throwing a photo in a pool and yeah, I don't understand anything. 

Oh guess what, this is Becca's FIRST ONE-ON-ONE SINCE SHE WAS ENGAGED TO ARIE. So, Lil' Jon, to answer your question, "turn down for what?" Becca clearly turns down for the phrase "since I was engaged."

Blake has decided to tell Becca about the time he read some texts on his ex's phone. Not cool, bro. Not cool. Becca ignores that part of his story and gives him the rose. No one ate their dinner.


It's time for another competitive group date and you know, those always bring out the best in grown men. It's a dodgeball date and one guy keeps pelting Becca. No one cares about dodgeball. We care that Fred Willard has obviously sold his soul to ABC and that Colton "dated" Tia, who is friends with Becca and also dated Arie.

BUT, GUESS WHAT? COLTON ALSO DATED ALY RAISMAN. And also, he said he spent a weekend with Tia. Is that dating? ALY RAISMAN IS A GOLD MEDALIST. You cannot compete with that. If I went on a date with a man who dated an Olympic curler I'd be done.

As for me and my house, we will always defer to Olympians.


After all that weird shit, it's time for the COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca just threw that one guy's photo into the pool, but again-- not important. MALE MODEL JORDAN is ready to rock that bod even though, he wants her to "fall for my personality." Jordan is now walking around the house in his underwear while holding his shirt over his shoulder.

Jordan rolled up on Becca in just his undies and it was weird. I mean, Time's Up, bro. This is harassment. Then, Jordan gave a weird speech about having fun, being wild, speeding and well-kept hair.

Jordan also wants a son named Jordan Jr. and a G-Wagon. But, you will be allowed to eat ice cream in his G-Wagon.

Chicken Man is upset that Jordan is walking around in briefs. He says it is disrespectful. Agreed. If Jordan walked into the bank in just his underwear they would call the cops.

Becca is talking with Colton about Tia again and like, who gives a shit? He seems like a sweet guy, but not only did he date Aly Raisman, he asked her out on Twitter. So, like-- maybe he really likes attention or needs attention because he's not playing football anymore? IDK, just saying.


In the end, Male Model and Tia's ex got a rose. Becca also told all the guys they are "amazing." FAKE NEWS.

Alex, a man with a terrible pocket square and a flag pin just broke down on national TV after not receiving a rose. I'm going to need 30 minutes on that guy ASAP.

Here's to next week. Or Jesus coming back.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

the bachelorette :: becca : epi 1.

Here we are. Season something or other, but much closer to something or is it the other?

Lord, be with Becca. Be with me. Help me to not feel angry while watching Becca look at photos of AriewhatshisJunior. Why are you looking at printed out photos? I print out photos and I haven't done that since 2016. No one is printing out photos to look at them and cry. That is what Instagram is for.

Becca just said she knows that this process works because she found love before. That doesn't seem right. For her, this "journey" is an absolute Winchester Mystery House. The doors lead to humiliation on national TV. Sure, take this money and this TV time and start an ah-mazing Etsy shop that sells water straight from one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, but don't look for love, gUrl. Meghan Markle just snagged that last unreachable Bachelor, unless you count Tim Tebow. And I don't.

Okay, so she's going to do this. And we're going to watch it.


Okkkkkkkur, Becca. A race car driver dumped you, so you said, I will not be like that one dumb idiot who drove her sad Civic ass up to the Bach mansion. You got yourself a Maserati.

And now, we change tone.

Why is Becca is talking to these Bs? Jo-Jo cannot be trusted. Rachel cannot be trusted. Kitty Kat cannot be trusted. Like, for real-- would you ever call your gUrl Jo-Jo up and be like, "we should sage this house, right?" Kaity Kat agreed and called the sage a "big doobie."


Now, it's time for the men to arrive and Chrissy Poo has inappropriately called these guys "America's most eligible bachelors." Maybe he truly means eligible, and most as in desperate.  So, he should've said, "America's most desperate bachelors."

The background packages on these fellows are not that interesting. However, I didn't know that one could just own a grocery store in 2018 and I have a lot of questions for him.

This Colton guy was Aly Raisman's boyfriend. I'm sorry, you dated a national hero. If you aren't good enough for her, THIS IS DEFINITELY THE PLACE FOR YOU.


Chrissy Poo is really mailing it in these days.

Chrrisy Poo: "You're the Bachelorette."
Becca: "I know."

After 3,912 seasons, it's hard to have a memorable limo exit. Or entrance. Which is it?

As I type this I don't remember any of these guys or what they said. Minus the guy who pulled up in a hearse.


Finally, it's time for these bros to get inside and start talking shit to each other and about each other. That male model's rant about loafers with no socks should be given to men everywhere.

Becca walked in gave some lame speech that ended with, "let's get this party started." Pretty sure P!nk said that first, gUrl.

This big burly football player has a strange voice that sounds like it's going to crack at any moment. Or maybe he really needs to clear his throat.

Imagine finding out that your son is going on national TV to try and meet his wife. You settle in with your friends and family, only to see your grown ass son dancing around on TV in a chicken suit. Any good mom would yank his ass off this show immediately. BECCA NEEDS A MAN.

Is Becca the cheesiest lady in all the land? She played basketball for approximately 6 minutes and then said, "I'm having a ball right now."

Is Johnny Manziel on this show?

Johnny Football and Becca have so much in common. They even have both said, "if I can love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I can love the right person." I think that's more scary than enlightening. WHAT OTHER SHIT ARE YOU GOING TO FALL INTO AND BE TRICKED BY?!

Chicky Chick runs a private equity fund?

Snap. This male model keeps talking about playbooks and game plans. But, he's not even the worst.


We've got a supposed villain already.

Supposedly a grown ass woman texted another grown ass man and said, "all he does is hang out with boys and he's looking to revamp his marketing company. He's not here for the right reasons."

To me, that sounds like a guy with a lot of friends and a great work ethic.

So, Chase, the villain, says he only dated gUrl for like, a month. Now, he's off his game, but he wants to get ahead of it. Now, he's sitting down with Becca and the guy who got the text.

Kick both these idiots off the show.

Honestly, this sounds like a very long text message.

Because of this text message, Becca wants to get with Jake and figure out "exactly why" he is here. They run in the same Minnesota circle and Becca is weirded out because he never showed any interest in her back in Minnesota, but I'm like-- none of my friends listened to Prince until he died.

Jake is wearing a tux and he pointed at her and tried to like, touch her heart. Also, Jake is kind of a weirdo because he keeps saying he only remembers meeting her once, but she remembers meeting him several times. Becca is kicking this guy out even though he's had a "very transformative year."

Jake's reaction is pretty great, "that's sad to hear."

Boy, bye.

Jake seems like a headcase and Becca made a great decision.


Becca has put the fear of God into these bros by sending the most f***ing romantic guy home.

Garrett gets the first impression rose, which is interesting because I don't remember him at all. But, whatever.

It's finally time for the rose ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca tells the guys, "if you don't get a rose tonight, it's not because you aren't amazing."

This is her taking a video of her kid doing something terrible and still saying, "you're doing great, sweetie!"

How does she remember their names? That's a question I've always had on the first night of this show. Some of them are so nervous about meeting her that they don't even say their name!

This long-haired dude has a great way of describing his fellow contestants. He doesn't go for the obvious frat daddy line, but "a sea of highway patrol officers." The male model and the other guys are very concerned that the chicken guy has gotten a rose and they haven't.

FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guy who said the other guy was there for the wrong reasons got a rose, but the guy who is supposedly there for the wrong reasons did NOT. Are you following?

Kamil, the social media participant is really embarrassed, like really embarrassed. I would be too, bro. Because isn't everyone a social media participant these days?

Becca is hopeful, I am not.

Here's to the beginning of the end of Becca's "unbelievable romantic adventure."

Thursday, December 29, 2016

on grief.

It’s been 3,650 days. And throughout each and every single one of those days, sometimes minute-by-minute, I’ve learned about grief.

Grief is one of those tricky things that time cannot heal. Scars, in reality, are a mark of failure to fully heal (noun; a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed).

Grief is like a scar on the heart. They can be covered, improved upon or serve as a simple afterthought-- until it’s not. After all, a scar is a reminder of something that has not completely healed.

All of the skincare in the world cannot take away a deep scar. For that, I am thankful. Over the last 10 years I’ve had many days where I’ve just wanted the grief to go away-- the reminders to fade. But, then, I look at a scar on my finger. It’s a reminder to slow down when chopping onions; to be less fervent in the kitchen. The scar serves as a lesson in patience. Just like the scar on my heart.

The grief and scar serve as a story and I get to choose how I tell that story-- do I wallow and mourn by myself in the dark? Or do I step into the light and move forward? When I crashed my bike in elementary school trying to be an Olympic mountain biker in my backyard I was left with a scar on my right leg. I could say the scar was from a horrific biking accident and I never touched my bike again out of fear. Or I could say I worked my way back to riding and not being scared.

The grief is a reminder to me that God is near and that is He is comfort. The grief is a reminder that time doesn’t heal, but time teaches. Time can change your perspective.

The scars on my heart will always be there and I’m thankful for the constant reminders that the Lord is faithful and people matter.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

on the election.

When I was 17 years old I went to a rally for Al Gore in Little Rock. I wasn't old enough to vote for him, but there's still a Gore-Lieberman sign hanging up in the bedroom I occupied at my parent's house.

I remember driving home from that rally in amazement that so many people (probably only a few hundred) gathered together in one place to support something that was only an idea. No rockstars were present, no high school football teams were scoring touchdowns-- this was a gathering of people connected by a few small strings made up of something so much bigger than themselves.

To me, that's what America is-- an idea. A big, huge idea. America has always just been an idea, a fluid, in constant motion idea.

To watch the past 500-something days of this election unfold, I've clung tightly to the hope that America is bigger and greater than any candidate or political party. I've watched and waited and prayed that America would prevail on election night and in a way, it did. The political process worked. People voted, a guy won, the sun came up.

America works because the thing that has always brought us together is the thing that has been driving us apart for 240 years-- differing ideas and opinions.

America still works. Don't give up on it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

bach in paradise: epi 1.

Ah, yes. It's that time of year again. Time for the masses to get as close as possible to shit in its truest of forms-- mating season. Not just mating season, but tropical mating season!

Everyone knows shit grows fastest when paired with 101 percent humidity and liquor.

It's time for Bachelor in Paradise.


The opening credits are top notch and I'm truly thankful Jorge got his proper props. I would like to know if he's getting paid or if ABC tricked him into this.

One of those twinZ just told me her butt was different than that other twin's butt.

Nick isn't as terrible after he reminds you that he somehow got second place twice on 'Ette. I've seen a sad Wikipedia page before, but that one has to take the toppest of top prizes.

I only watched two or three epis of JoJo and her bros, but out of those 19 hours, I obviously remember Chad.

He is a very troubling figure in our nation's history.

Lace says she's aware of her issues but is she aware that she paid someone to do a pretty shitty job on those extensions? That's the real issue she needs to deal with.


After a period of time that was 19 minutes according to my DVR, but more like 8 days of waterboarding in my heart, we have finally made it to the beach.

"If I start feelings those feelings, I'll have a lot of nerves about my own emotions." -- Nick
I have feelings, nerves, and emotions and I could never form that sentence.

I would really like to learn the names of these people hoping to find love during this shit festival, but-- no promises.

Sweet, sweet Carly. She really grew on me after that awful ginger basically drowned her in a hotel pool last season. Couldn't he at least try to take her on one date back in his hometown of couldn't find it on a map if I tried?

Daniel literally just said "oof" when describing the looks of the ladies at the beach.
Has he seen the meat on other reality TV shows? I accidentally just watched "Coupled" for 3 minutes prior to this and I can see with a lot of certainty-- these people are much better looking than what the people at Fox dropped on a beach.

Even after the commercial break this guy with the terrible Minnesota accent is harping on and on about how the women aren't fruity enough for him? Or something?

Daniel swooped in to take that one Twin to dip her toes in the ocean and when he gave her a high-five, the other twin exclaimed, "Oh, no! She hates high-fives!"

Can you imagine making a list of things you're looking for in a significant other and literally saying to yourself or even a friend, "any man (or woman) who high-fives me or anyone else isn't worth my time."

When can we talk about Daniel's shorts? I know bros are super into showing their thighs off these days and I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with how low on his hips they are sitting. Like, they keep blurring out the ladies' bottoms, but this guy literally needs one of those black bars across him.

Jubilee has decided that that guy who manages an Applebee's in one of those states that may or may not actually exist is the one for her. Is it Delaware? Rhode Island? Has anyone ever been to those places? Are they just folk lore?

"Have you ever heard of 'Moby Dick'?" -- Evan
I think in most cases that question is rude because of course, we've heard of it. 
In this case-- totally fair. 


I guess most of the world is watching this just to see what this scar on our nation's body of work will actually do and say.

I've never truly studied radical terror groups but I can only assume they show videos of guys like Chad or maybe just Chad's Instagram account to terrorists in training and say, "this is what all Americans are like."

So, someone compared him to Hitler and Mussolini, but he's not that offended because "at least those people were rich?" I guess his other response could be, "at least those guys were white." That would've been worse.

After 2 or 3 hours of Chad and Daniel canoodling on the beach, ChrissyPoo Harrison finally came to explain the rules to everyone.


Y'all. There are no rules in the game of love.
Let your hearts guide you.

Some are actually "looking" for love. Like, physically.

"If love is here, I'm going to find it!" -- Carly
And then, I'm gonna stalk it on Facebook, like all its photos on the Gram and just let it happen!


Somehow, Jubilee got one of those date cards. She asked the guy from Applebee's out and then offered to dry him off. There's coming on strong and then there's being impractical.

This Grant guy just said he likes "a complicated woman" in regards to Lace. I don't think he should go on TV and say something that idiotic. What he means is, he wants a woman with daddy issues. I'm fairly complicated, but emotionally reasonable and stable enough to pass the TSA pre-check requirements.


The next 58 minutes of DVR time is all Chad and Lace.

ABC managed to get every other beach-goer to compare the two lovebirds to a hurricane.

One-by-one, each contestant goes to spy on the hot tub of horror.

"I've got money, I've got muscles, I've got money, I've got muscles!" -- Chad, to Lace

Chad is drunk.
Lace is drunk.

Chad is frustrated that Lace can "throw it back."

Chad and Lace finally exit the Herpes Hot Tub and realize everyone has been listening to them emulate Satan and his step-sister acting out scenes from "Cruel Intentions." They head to the beach where Chad puts on his protective eyewear.

At this point all of the lawyers for this show are watching with baited breath.
Will they drown? Will he hit her?


What is happening with all these pinatas? More than that, what the hell is Aragon? How does one move on from one thing to Aragaon? Are these hobbits?

I guess "Lord of the Rings" is a book?

Jared decided Jubilee has a lot of depth because of this book they are talking about. And then, this conversation happened.



This chick potentially has PTSD and you bring a clown out to scare her? Is there no level you won't lower yourselves to?


ABC has potential to air the first ever reality TV show murder during primetime and it's full steam ahead.

About the time Chad tells Lace he's going to throw her under a bus and make sure she smells like peppermint, she decides she's done.

"Stop being mean." -- Lace

Lace sobered up for about 30 seconds and realized she was fraternizing with a Crossfit experiment gone rogue.

Chad called her a bitch, but "not that kind, not that kind."
Then, he kept trying to touch her boob. Right? Isn't that what was happening?

Chad grabs a shot from SweetJorge and sits down with the crew. No one will talk to him. I think this is because no one is confident that he understands actual words.

"I'm disappointed. On a scale of 1 to 9, I'm a 9 disappointed." -- Lace
Nine being the worst. 

"I feel God mailed it in the day he made Chad." -- Nick
I have to say, I don't believe my Lord and Savior works like that, but Nick may be on to something.

Daniel tries to Chad that people are worried about him and Chad says, "I'll kill your children and murder your family."

I'm honestly worried Disney doesn't have enough money in the bank to cover Chad's liability insurance.

If he says that in front of a camera and then he murders someone, can't someone sue ABC?

Chad re-joins the group and Sarah has decided that if a woman can be president, she shouldn't have to come on a reality TV show and deal with this shit.

Of course, Chad reacted by calling her a "one-armed bitch."

In all honesty, it's the worst thing I've ever seen on TV in my entire life.
And I've seen almost all of the TV.

I've also seen that man wearing capri pants.

Man with the Goatee tries to talk to Chad, but Chad walks off and talks to Daniel.

Chad tells Daniel he will murder him.

I'm 100 percent I said "un-murdery" years ago before going on a blind date. I was talking about conducting myself in a way that wouldn't make a man from the Internet want to murder me.

This guy means his bro is acting like he doesn't want to join him in a murder spree.

Unable to find someone to murder, Chad passes out on the beach and then shits his pants.


ChrissyPoo Harrison shows back up and gathers the group for a recap of the previous night's activities.

Chad, of course, is offended that everyone is offended.

Chad says everyone just needs to talk to him one-on-one and they'll understand.

Finally, ChrissyPoo steps back in and tells Chad what's up.

Chrissy ain't havin' it.

"You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck a d---." -- ChrissyPoo
From this point on we're living in a world where Chris Harrison said "suck a D" on national TV.

Finally, Chrissy reveals that ABC's lawyers don't have hurricane insurance and Chad has to GTFO.

Chad asks, "are you serious?" about 17 times.

Mostly, Chad has to be upset that he has to go back to Tulsa. (Zing!)

In a fit of rage, Chad kicks off his flip-flops.

He tells the producers that he won't be made to look like this "again."



"You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. You don't even watch the show... F you, dude! Go drink your mimosas! This is my life and you're going to sit here and make me look like a bitch! F you, Chris Harrison! Come at me." -- Chad
I cannot believe it took 16 years and 348 seasons of this show for someone to yell at Chris on camera.

What a time to be alive.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

the bachelorette :: jojo : epi 1.

Listen up, this show is literally painful for me to watch. Coupled with the fact that my day job involves me bringing every ounce of creative energy I have to work every day-- I would rather drink half a bottle of Nyquil and shop for purses than watch this show.


This G is so damn young. Why is it her turn to find love? Why does she think she is "so ready" for love?

gUrl, please. Every time I go on more than one date with a man I convince myself I'm ready for love, but then I remember that means not putting on my sweats every single evening at 5:08 p.m. and being cordial to humans after my normal bedtime of 8 p.m. all for a grilled chicken breast or two.

Dating is almost inhumane. Doing it on TV and declaring how much you want, deserve it and are ready for it? Torture.

Now I'm supposed to believe JoJo can actually drive that ol' Thunderbird? Those things don't have power steering.

Of course, JoJo has to meet with Ali, KittyKatCait and boring Desiree to make sure she is ready for this.

The advice these three veterans gave to her?

"If you're feeling it, feel it." -- All gUrls
Oh, okay.

Ali was on this show when JoJo was still taking swimming lessons, much less taking a dip in the dating pool.

I zoned out for a few because I just took a Sudafed.


Now, we're meeting the boyZ.

This Fireman's shirt is the worst thing I've seen since almost anything. Ribbed t-shirt? Where do you buy those even?

Oh, Aaron Rodgers' little brother?
What a shit show.
If he was so good at football why is he hanging out in the rain at his old high school? That is the saddest damn thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

This twin just hangs out with his twin and imagines what it would be like if he wasn't a third wheel?

A preacher who now specializes in erectile dysfunction?



If that guy's alarm goes off at 3:30, why does he not get to the gym until 4:30? Usually, my alarm goes off at 4:57 and I'm at the gym by 5:08.

Also, if that guy really sits around and eats super elaborate meals with his bros I'm okay with that. If they really drink water out of stemless wine glasses I'm not okay with that.


Finally, it's time for JoJo to meet her 25 idiots.

I used to think Chris Harrison was an okay guy, but now I feel super sad for him. Doesn't he want to do something else with his life? Doesn't he feel weird knowing that someone took a water hose and sprayed down that driveway?

"You look so good, thanks for coming." -- JoJo
"You look nice. What's your name?" -- JoJo
"You look really nice." -- JoJo
"Hi, handsome." -- JoJo

A guy brought a bottle of wine.
She drank it.

"You look so great." -- JoJo
"You look very good." -- JoJo
"You look great." -- JoJo
"You look great." --JoJo

Hipster didn't watch last season at all. He knows nothing about JoJo.
So, he's an actor?



Wait. This guy brought All-4-One?
Like, we do know they are like the shittiest version of Boyz II Men ever right? Minus O-Town.



Tuesday, March 15, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : finale.

Finally. Our long national boring nightmare is over.

Ben has told both women he loves them. Because that's normal and cool and fair and right.


I honestly do not understand who Lauren is as a person. She seems sweet and kind and whatever, but those shorts. Those damn shorts. She can't even walk in them.

"Him and I are in this together." -- JoJo
: (

ABC, what is this voiceover? Why is Ben yelling at me?


First, calm the AF down. Second, why the F do you have to propose? Clearly, you can't be trusted with feelings, you need to take a gUrl to the lake and not propose.


Ben tells his parents that he's 100 percent in love with two women.

"To know that Ben could possibly be in love with two women is, first all of, really disturbing." -- Ben's Mom

Lauren comes in to meet the parents and Ben tells some dumbass story about something super dumb Lauren said about meeting her parents. Ben is the worst storyteller in the world.

Ben's Papa Bear tells Lauren he sees a twinkle in Ben's eye.
Lauren doesn't disagree.

Lauren sits down with Badass Amy, Ben's Mom. She decides to tell BAM (Badass Mom) that she loves Ben and he loves her.

Amy brings up that bullshit about Ben being "unlovable."
BAM rolls her eyes.

Ben and Lauren sit down for a chit-chat.

"I'm in love with you, but like, getting married for me is like, a big commitment." -- Lauren
Oh, yeah. When you say it like that it does sound like a big deal. 

Lauren drives away and Ben looks like a ghost threw up on him.


It's JoJo's turn to meet Ben's parents and Ben, the idiot, opens up with another story, but this one involves JoJo being a good kisser. I would've set his face on fire. What an ass.

JoJo sits down with Ben's dad and he asks, "What is it about Ben?" JoJo answers, "it's a lot."

Then, JoJo says Ben is her best friend and well, shit. Lauren didn't say that.
JoJo starts crying.
JoJo is even more nervous to talk to Ben's mom.

JoJo says her intentions are "so pure."
Nothing says "pure" like "fantasy suite."

Ben's mom is like, Ben is stupid and he doesn't know how to find love, but everyone is so #blessed.

Ben still doesn't have clarity. Even after his parents uttered the phrased, "blessed."

Ben has just realized he cannot propose to two women.


It's time for the final one-on-one with Lauren.

"I know I'm in love with both JoJo and Lauren.... it felt right." -- Ben

Lauren feels so full of happiness and joy and gratitude.


Ben tells Lauren he is stressed and that he hasn't slept.

They get off the boat and Lauren feels defeated and confused, so she puts some makeup on.
She's nervous, but knows tonight is "so important."

Lauren tells Ben she's really emotional and scared.
Ben just says, "so much" has happened.
"So much."

If I was dating a man who was "in love" with me and "in love" with another woman and his only words were, "so much has happened," I would be like, DO YOU KNOW ANY WORDS?

Lauren is truly ready and "sure."

"Lauren, no matter what happens, you've made me better. And this was all worth it." -- Ben

Of course, this makes Lauren cry. Lauren has finally realized that Ben is ALSO IN LOVE WITH JOJO.

Lauren cries.

"At this point, I can't. I can't." -- Lauren


It's JoJo's turn for her final date and I'm thankful that she brought more than one pair of shorts on this beach vacation.

JoJo thinks this week has been really special and she's confident.

Uh-oh. JoJo has now called Ben her BFF.

"I never expected to be totally committed to wanting to expect a proposal." -- JoJo
Totally committed to what?

JoJo wants Ben to know that she has "so much faith" in Ben and making it work.

"So, you feel good?" -- JoJo
"That's a loaded question." -- Ben

Ben says, "it's exactly what you think."

"I want to hear you say it." -- JoJo

JoJo legit just said, "like, why are you so confused?"

They get out of the jungle and back to that mini couch in the hotel.
JoJo feels bad for making Ben uncomfortable.

Ben can't use his words and JoJo is wearing the sexiest outfit the hotel gift shop had for sale.
If he's going to say goodbye, he's going to regret it!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate JoJo's commitment to that wine and these questions.



Ben says he doesn't have any concerns about JoJo. (HE ALSO HAS NO CONCERNS ABOUT LAUREN.)

Ben keeps talking about these gUrls supporting him like it's not a competition for an engagement ring.

"Somehow, you've become my best friend." -- Ben
Could be that plunging neckline. 

JoJo wants a sign. So, she takes him to the bathroom.

And JoJo is finally like, "YOU LOVE HER, TOO?"

Ben leaves and says, "I love you."

Hey, Ben, just stop.

JoJo is now crying alone in her hotel room.

"I'm a lost man right now." -- Ben
APB for BEN, the lost man!

Ben says, "I'm lost" about 27 times.
He really wants everyone to know he's in love with two women.

You know, technically, you could be in love with two women and still have handled this a little better, buddy.


Neil Lane was able to make the trip to the beach.
PTL. One of these days his calendar is going to be full. And then what?

"I've never broken up with someone I love." -- Ben
But, you've broken up with someone you don't love, probably, right?

Lauren is all, "every bone in my body is sure of this."

JoJo has been dreaming about getting dumped on national TV since she was a little gUrl.

"There's not an ounce in my being that isn't sure that's what I want." -- JoJo
So, what? You have no doubts? 

JoJo is letting fear take over, instead of faith!
When fear comes knocking, answer with faith, JoJo!

Ben is ready to break a heart.

JoJo said "him and I" again.


JoJo says Ben has "always promised" not to blindside her and she truly hopes today is not the day for the blindside.

What day would it be on then, JoJo?

JoJo gives a speech.
She's realized this was worth it. She's been scared, but she remembers what Ben said.
Ben said, "love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it."

I think Paul said that in 1 Corinthians.

"Love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it." 1 Corinthians 92:24

It's actually the Bible verse Ben has tattooed on his rib cage.

"I didn't know if I could find love, I found it with you, BUT I FOUND IT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE MORE." --Ben
Not a real sentence. 

"I don't want to say goodbye. JoJo, I still don't question that I do love you." -- Ben
That's present tense, Ben. 
You're breaking up with her. 

As Ben walks her out, he's still preaching his feelings and how much his feelings haven't changed.
For obvious reasons, she is not happy about this.

"Where did it go wrong?" -- JoJo
"It never did." -- Ben

Oy. This guy.


Before Lauren appears, Ben gets on the phone to ask Lauren's dad permission to propose.
He did not mention that he just told another gUrl he couldn't give her an answer on what wrong and that his feelings for her were real.


Lauren appears and acts super mature.

"You're my person." -- Lauren

Ben talks about journeys and goodbyes.

"I want to kiss you on the face every morning." -- Ben
What a weird thing to say. 

Ben proposes. Lauren says yes.

Ben, then grabs Lauren's face and says, "Lauren, you're my person."

Mainly because they probably think one of the things they have in common that makes this right is that they have the same favorite color and both "really love John Mayer."

God Bless America and everyone in it.

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