Friday, June 29, 2012

boys of summer: part 2.

Ever the adventurers, the gang of Patriots headed south down the Pacific Coast to meet up with Abigail's better-half, John. Not a group to just stop and sight-see they took off for a walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. GW noted he likes a certain bridge in NYC better.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

boys of summer.

Every year, around this time, the original boys of summer, G-Dub, Teej and Jimmy Mad, take a road trip across this nation they played a part in birthing.

This year they started at the Oregon coast in a Dodge minivan. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily :: epi 7.

We meet up with Emily in Prague. She comes strolling into the camera shot with her same sad carry-on BAGGAGE from TJ Maxx.

"I feel like I'm back in the olden days." --Emily
What days are those? That's not actually a specific period of time, gUrl. 

She overlooks every postcard shot of Prague available to film while we wait on the boyZ to arrive. Like a sad ass boy band they all walk up together to meet Chrissy Poo, stride by stride, to get the rules. AGAIN.  Chrissy Poo calls this week, "the biggest week." I just can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore-- every week is dramatic, every week is BIG. What about the proposal? What week will that be? The second biggest week?

Arie gets the one-on-one date with Mama Bear and they are going to "Czech out Prague." I actually have a shirt that says that exact same thing. (SHOUT OUT: ANNA BRAWNER)

Arie says he's in love with Emily even though it's only been a few dates. This is believable because I'm starting to believe that Arie isn't actually 30 years of age. Have you seen his pimples? All of that to say, people with pimples (you know, teenagers) fall in love after only two dates.

Mama Bear picks up Arie and she's armed with just a book labeled, "Prague," yet she calls herself a tour guide.

"Isn't it wild to stand here and look at that and think about how many people have stood here and looked at that exact same spot." --Emily, while sightseeing
This. This is what she thinks about while in Prague!

"Today is the best day I could ask for." --Arie
He clearly didn't ask with my feelings in mind. 
I've had a better day when a homeless man had on the same outfit as me. 

At this point we're let in to the "drama" involving Arie and the producer, Cassie. We are led to believe that Arie and Cassie were caught up in the biggest love story this side of William and Kate. In reality, they went to the mall together once at 16 and maybe got a little handsy.

We learn all of this through an interview conducted by Cassie, the producer. Then, Emily decides to start playing games. She's always playing games with this dude. She tries and tries to get him to admit that he had a foray to the arcade with Cassie, the producer, but instead just talks about a tattoo he got and then had covered up.

Emily cannot understand while Arie would rub that loyalty dog TWICE if he wasn't willing to admit that he knew Cassie, the producer, and picked her up once in his Honda Del Sol and took her to a park where they drank wine coolers and talked about geometry. BECAUSE IT WAS THAT LONG AGO.

Here's my take on it: Arie didn't mention it because Arie didn't even remember dating Cassie. Or maybe: HE WAS 16 AND IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL. Or even: he doesn't give a flying shit about her or the moment they shared together at a Sonic Drive-In once.

Baby gUrl, Emily, has some issues and she needs to quit playing games.

After all of that bullshit we learn that Arie, Cassie and Mama Bear had a talk OFF-CAMERA about the relationship and everything is SO GREAT now.

Dear ABC, if this is the drama you're conjuring up, TRY HARDER.


It's time to learn who is getting the next date.

Every single boy at the hotel is wearing a v-neck t-shirt. Some of them (mainly Doug) look like they have really tiny heads in comparison to their arms.


We learn that Wolf (the person, not the animal) gets the one-on-one date.

Chris is livid.


"Croatia did it for me." --Arie
His lead in to, "I love you."

After that debacle with Cassie I think it's in Arie's best interest to get the hell out of Prague (Dodge). Baby gUrl has some issues.

"I have a surprise for you." --Emily
It's fireworks. The only thing less surprising would've been a helicopter. 

She also got that one dude fireworks before she dumped him. FIREWORKS MEAN NOTHING TO HER. She should've gotten him a puppy or an autographed football or something.


It's time for Wolf's date with Mama Bear. Wolf looks like he's dressed to go to work. His sweater is basically the same color as his pants and I don't think it was on purpose.

"During communism music was censored here." --Emily

Emily and Wolf try to put a lock on the lover's fence or something. Emily says that the locks represent "eternal love." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Jesus Christ represents eternal love. Those locks are just as sad as those fireworks from the night before.

"How beautiful is that church?" --Wolf
"Right?" --Emily
So deep. 

They head to dinner in a dungeon. All I can think about is the assistant that had to carry that couch down those dungeons stairs. I mean, I guess whoever it was got to go to Prague, but not worth it.

Wolf tells a story about his ex-girlfriend cheating on him. Turns out, it was CASSIE. Just kidding. It wasn't.

Wolf is ready to "put it all out there." He's does a pretty shitty job. I mean, he showed her some funeral cards and told a story about an ex-girlfriend. No one is going to accuse this guy of being an over-sharer anytime soon. Or ever.

"My parents are pretty cool." --Wolf


Wolf gets back from the date about the same time the group date card gets dropped off. Chris FUH-REAKS out about this and over Wolf's retelling of the date.

Sean does not freak out.
WRONG. He does.

He takes off out of the hotel and heads into the deep dark night of Prague. He literally walks around yelling, "Emily!" The music in the background leads me to believe communism is still happening in Prague and all they had was some horror music to play. People, this isn't scary, it's weird and sad.

I refuse to believe that people didn't tell Sean where Emily was headed. He found her on his ninth round of, "EMILY????!!!!!"

He takes her to someone's house. Or maybe it was a bar and they kiss. And it. was. nasty. Like, you could see tongue.

I don't want to dive into their make out style too terribly much, but: it doesn't look that entertaining. And how many walls do you have to get thrown against before you're kind of slutty? I think it only takes one.  Mama Bear is now at two walls. Point of interest: Emily has a child that, presumably, can read and also has eyes to see her mother get pinned up against walls by two different fathers-to-be. But, I mean, I don't date a ton. I don't know that much.


It's time for the group date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"My son would be in 7th heaven!" --Doug
Weird. I mean... right?

Emily pulls Daddy Doug aside and we can tell right off the bat that Daddy is on the hot seat.

"Is he really into castles?" --Emily, to Doug about his son
Valid question.

Emily and Doug sit in a corner of a tower and Doug is stupid. That's all I can gather from this conversation.

So, here we go: Emily leads Doug to the entrance (bad sign, dude, she didn't take you back to the other boyZ) and begins a speech. She basically tells him that his body language and his conversation skills are not where they should be. In the middle of this he finally decides to kiss her. Emily has basically no reaction to this, other than, "thank you for that."

Doug heads back to his castle-loving son.

While in the Euro van (like a mini van, but European) Doug starts to cry. And not just cry. Baby boy CRIES. I cry prettier than he cries. It was bad.

He said, "man" about 17 times. Which is about 42 times less than Arie said, "you know?" on his date.

We get back to Sean and Chris and Chris is not intimidated. Nothing really happens other than Sean gets the rose and Chris pouts.


Time for another one-on-one date!!!!!!!!!!!

"What's Ricki's favorite animal? Cats?" --Jef

The two lovebirds head into a shop straight from Pinocchio and buy some marionettes (puppets, for those of us in America). At first they just buy two, but then of course Jef (not to be confused with 'Jeff') goes to buy a Ricki puppet, too.

Because these two are so fun and silly they reenact their 2-week-old relationship for us with the puppets. Jef (English for 'Jeff') is pretty funny and says nice things, but... HE'S ON THIS SHOW.

They have a talk about the future and Jef feels terrific. He feels so terrific that he can't think of anything cooler to do than introduce her to his parents. Listen, I love my parents and I think it's important for my friends and future spouse to get to know them, but I can totally think of cooler things to do. Like, a lot of things.

Emily is floored at the thought of Jef (short for 'Jeff,' which is a variant of 'Jeffrey' or 'Jefferson') breaking up with a gUrl because his family didn't like the gUrl. Um, good for him! Of course Emily freaks out, she's the most insecure person to ever be pinned up against a wall and kissed by two different men ever.

Jef and Emily talk about the future and it's cutesy. Jef gives those old European walls a break and makes out with her on the floor.



HOLD UP! TWIST!!!!!!! Emily tells Chrissy Poo she's ready-- no cocktails. It's game time!!!!!!!!!!

Emily gets down to her final rose. It's between Wolf and Chris. Chris cannot handle the pressure and asks Emily to go have a talk with him.

"I acted like a boy yesterday." --Chris
Which is the exact opposite of how he is acting now: like a little gUrl. 

Chris is falling in love. Chris gets the rose.
Wolf is sent back to his lair where he'll do nothing buy destroy data and think about his grandfather's funeral for the rest of his life.

Wolf is shocked that he was sent packing. He's pretty convinced that he really opened up and shared himself with Emily. He's wrong. I think we all know more about Cassie, the producer, at this point. He told a story about dead grandparents and an ex-girlfriend. I could figure out that info by looking at someone's Facebook profile. Come on, Wolf. COME. ON.


Next week we head home!

Could this be the week a bachelor finally kills a bachelorette for love?
It's the only thing that keeps me tuning in, that's for damn sure.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 6.

I have to believe that somewhere in Croatia tonight there were/are 50-100 Croatians gathered in an old castle drinking fancy wine. These Croatians were representing various sectors of the country, but mainly were from the visitors/tourism department. The excitement was building, finally-- Croatia was going to be featured on prime time television-- in America! And what's the lead shot? A STRAY CAT SITTING ON A WALL.


I'm fairly certain there was a foreign exchange student at my high school from Croatia. He was a really good looking kid. You could've shown him suited up to play baseball for the ole Russellville High Cyclones, put "Croatian" under the photo and had a better opening shot.


Emily arrived in a "different world, back in time" with nothing but a TJ Maxx special carry-on (teal) suitcase.

The boyZ arrive via boat.

"That looks like a castle." 
Dude, that IS a castle. 

Emily appears in the boyZ' hotel room and they all act like she shouldn't be there. Like, hello! That's the premise of the show. One gUrl, a bunch of boyZ. Somebody, anybody google this shit for them.

She hands out the one-on-one date card to Travis and all the v-necks in the room were upset that they couldn't button-up their plaid shirts and head out to a different world with Mom Emily.


Travis is perfect for this date because Croatia definitely isn't Mississippi or West Virginia. She's acting like they are in New York or something. Country mouse gone city. No, Emily. You're in Croatia. Croatia is different than all of America.

Emily challenges Travis to balance on some weird rock built into a wall. Before they show the rock it looks like it's kind of hard to do. Then, they showed the rock and it looked wide enough for a Lane Bryant model to stand on, so I'm not sure what his problem was.

The two of them found a Croatian street performer to make an ass out of and mostly, Emily was super disappointed that Travis didn't take his shirt off. I'm sorry, what?


The date continues for the two people that Croatia is perfect for and basically, nothing happened. Travis hasn't dated since his engagement was called off and Emily isn't into him. Travis doesn't get the rose. But, his voice did crack.


It's time for the group date and the boyZ accompany Emily to a screening of Disney's new movie, "Brave." CLEVER, ABC. CLEVER. I see you pimping your various products across my screen like I don't know you own that movie.

So, the boyZ learn that in order to further compete for Emily's heart they have to perform various tasks. In a fun twist the boyZ don kilts and sleeveless t-shirts and head out to the Scottish (????) countryside to compete for Emily's affections!

They compete in archery, log throwing, tug-of-war with a stick and mockery. I was completely unimpressed. Emily, of course, disagrees with me. She's totally impressed and keeps calling some of the dudes, "brave." Soldiers everywhere shuddered.

Chris gets the bravery cup for trying to compete with boyZ who are bigger than him. Oh, what bravery!
He gets a silver beer stein and some cuddle-buggin' time with his gUrl.

Group date after party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean knows where he stands with Emily and she wants him to keep that confidence.

Arie is starting to act like a little gUrl.

"I haven't hung out with Emily since London and I'm freaking out. FUH-REAKING OUT." --Arie
Middle school gUrls everywhere shuddered. 

He finally gets some time with her and convinces her to do some window shopping, then he pins her up against a brick wall and kisses her. If she wasn't a mother I'd be all like, "way to go, gUrl!" But, she is a mom and that seemed a wee-bit inapprops. You know? I don't know. I'm not a mom, nor has anyone ever pinned me up against a wall in Croatia and kissed me.

Jef (short for JefF) gives Emily a blanket and a jacket. I like that he recognizes that sequins are not warm. He uses the whole, "feelings like people write movies/books/novels/blogs about" line again. YAWN.

Jef (pronounced like, "Jeff") tells Emily he's scared of her and that's why he took so long to kiss her. Baby boy ain't scared no more! He definitely laid it on her tonight!

It's time for Brave Chris to step out of the shadows! He tells her that he, "CAN fall in love with her." I mean, I COULD end up loving mushrooms someday. Anyway. His bullshit line gets the rose as all the other boyZ creepily watch from afar. Arie is super sad because he thought his window shopping kiss would get finally get him the rose.

"You can't fall in love with someone unless you can continue to build on a relationship." --Chris
This S.O.B. should write a damn book. 


It's time for Ryan's one-on-one date and the guy just puts his foot in his mouth on a continual basis. All of the boyZ are dressed alike.

V-necks and hoodies.
However, Doug is wearing his hoodie sans v-neck.

The boyZ hate Ryan and hope he doesn't come back.

Ryan and Emily head out to see the Croatian countryside and they just flirt non-stop. She calls it "playful" and I think she means, "play-er." This guy has thousands of one-liners. Literally, thousands.

They spend about 4 minutes on a boat and try some oysters. No one was impressed.

Ryan comes up with a picnic basket and starts to shift his one-liners from flirting to over-the-top deep one-liners.

At one point he says he wants a great woman, so he's done his best to be a great man.

THEN, he says that he thinks God makes a promise to us to give us great things.

That trophy wife bullshit comes up again and she's all, BLAH-BLAH, and he's all, BLAH-BLAH.

It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan has on a pretty great suit, with some pretty terrible torquise leather loafers. There's no way he bought those in Georgia.

Ryan is super confident and Emily just isn't sure. Since she's not sure he decided to share a list of things he's looking for in a woman with her. His list includes 12 characteristics, like: loyalty, logical, encouraging, faithful, nurturer, confident, servant, etc;

I mean, the list wasn't bad. Really. I especially like that he put "logical" on there. People just don't appreciate that quality enough.

Emily isn't into the list. She sees it as a "mold." AND, she's pissed that he didn't have "loving family, not a perfect one" at the top of the list. I'm confused by this, because having a family isn't a characteristic and he said characteristics he's looking for in a woman. So, she's an idiot and didn't even understand what he was sharing with her.

Anyway. She gives him a speech and doesn't give him the rose.

"That is very shocking." --Ryan

Ryan gives her a really long speech and seems mostly sincere. His voice cracks, he almost cries and she almost changes her mind. She really, really thought about it. But, in the end: NO ROSE. Ryan packs it up and heads home.

I hope he can get his money back on those loafers.

The boyZ are so pumped that Ryan's suitcase just got taken away by some creepy Croatian man.

Ryan gives a long-winded speech about being a winner and then gets into the scariest looking taxi I've ever seen. He then says he knows the producers are going to edit everything he says to portray him as he REALLY is and not like the asshole he comes off like. He mentions that he knows where his hope lies and it's not on worldly things and BLAH-BLAH, but at the end of the day, if everyone but Jesus thinks you're an asshole, you're probably still an asshole.


The date is over and Arie decides to go visit Emily and let her know she made the right decision. I think he also went there to just make out with her.

Where is Emily even staying? Did Arie have to take a cruise ship to get to her house? Like, really? She had to stay in a weird Croatian apartment? There's only one hotel in that town? He walked a long way.


Rose ceremony cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily's wearing a white sequin dress. Sequin modeled after broken glass, of course.

Doug and Wolf (pronounced, "John") are on the bubble tonight, so John, who has to be wearing his dad's suit talks about his dead grandparents. He scores big points for that one.

Now, it's Doug's turn.

She has to place his arm around her and he then positioned his hand in the worst possible area on a woman's body for a man to ever touch-- the part in between the butt and the back. Not even a love handle, the other part. It was so awkward that the cameras zoomed in on it 12 times or so.

During his terrible hand placement he gives her a speech about being loyal and humble and being the best man for her. Emily was not interested. But, she wasn't uninterested, which at this point is all it takes.

Then, he gets on camera and CRIES (like, CRIES) about missing his son. His voice cracks, he can't look at the camera-- it's BAD. Talk about an ugly crier.

Doug hugs like a really creepy old man. You know the type.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did Chris dye his hair?

Seriously, check out Wolf's suit compared to the other boyZ. I bet that's the same suit he wore to his grandpa's funeral in 1999. I mean, it's a nice suit, it's just that compared to everyone else's it's super lame.

Those damn ABC Producers try to trick us into thinking that she's ditching Wolf and Doug tonight, but then like a fairy godmother from the rose factory Chrissy Poo swoops in and lets everyone know there are two final roses. EVERYONE GETS A ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A CRAZY TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily announces they are heading to Prague! The boyZ are excited because they've heard of Prague before.

I hope they all get lost on the way there.



Friday, June 15, 2012

father's day gift guide.

We're just two sleeps away from Father's Day which means you're almost out of time to pick out the perfect gift! I've selected a few that should appeal to just about every type of dad out there. 

For: The Dad Who Grills
Why: Because dads love to carry stuff and love to grill. 
Bonus: You could end up seeing just how tough dad is if he catches all that stuff on fire if he leans over the grill too far!  

For: The Dad Who is Beary Sentimental
Why: Because dads love bears and love to show off their children. 
Bonus: This piece is customizable. You can add children's names and the number of children!
Double Bonus: I mean, just look at it!

For: The Dad Who is Handy
Why: Because dads can never find a child to hold the flashlight in just the right spot for them.  
Bonus: No more fights with dad over, "hold the damn thing where I can see something!"

For: The Dad Who is Into Meat and Adventurous 
Why: Because dads love exotic meat.   
Bonus: This meat is high in protein AND dreams, smiles, magic and love!

For: The Dad Who is Super Into Turkey
Why: Because dads need a little bit of luxury in their lives.  
Bonus: This robe is made from 100% Turkish cotton! Meaning, if your dad loves supporting Turkey and loves comfort he'll love this robe. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

dallas on my television.

I am just 3 months shy of the 6th anniversary of my arrival date in the 214 (Dallas). Since appearing on the scene in 2006 a number of television shows featuring Dallas have come across my television screen. (To be fair it's nowhere near the amount of shows that have featured New Jersey, but still, it's at least four.) There have also been a number of contests on the Bachelor/ette from the area, so cameras have been around for that, as well.

It's no secret that Dallas isn't my favorite place in the world and I am usually in agreement with people on their overall view (pretentious and concrete-y) of the city, but things have gone too far. I have to stick up for this place. I've been collecting my mail here for some time now and that fact alone gives me credence to air my grievances on the internetS.

It's been a long time since I met someone who has never stepped foot in this city. That's probably because I don't know a lot of people from north of the Mason-Dixon line and I grew up just 5 hours and two turns from here. I say that because I want to believe that other people watching these shows about/featuring Dallas are watching them thinking the same things I am.

In every single show about Dallas on the air right now the opening credits feature at least one shot of cattle. In 6 years I have seen cattle twice. Once was behind a gas station and the second time was more recently when a truck with a double-decker cattle trailer attached to it wrecked and spilled cows all over I-35. You'll note that one instance was a novelty viewing of cattle and the other was a tragic accident that resulted in the death of many, many bovines.

I have never seen a man walking around town in a cowboy hat. Ever. I have never seen a man in Neiman-Marcus wearing a cowboy hat. I have never seen a man at church in a cowboy hat. If you watch any of these show about Dallas you would assume that most men in cowboy hats are always at church or Neiman-Marcus. Not the case! Side note: One time at a Cowboys game I sat behind a man in a cowboy hat. That man was Don Carter and he's rich and awesome (and started the Dallas Mavericks) and he can do whatever the hell he wants. 

I have never seen a public official or a law enforcement officer in a cowboy hat.

Most men who claim to be ranchers or cowboys or anything of that sort don't wear dark denim. They wear almost white, practically acid washed jeans.

There is no oil in Dallas County or Collin County (Plano).

It would cost thousands, like THOUSANDS of dollars to have a meeting at the 50-yard-line in Cowboys Stadium. And people don't do that.

People in Dallas do not have southern accents. Tangent that doesn't really have much to do with perceptions of Dallas on television, but should be noted: Texas is not in the South (capital "S"). Texas is Texas. Geographically it's in the south, but not traditionally. If you know anything about Southern culture you know that Southern people are proud of the whole region. People in Texas are proud of Texas. 

There are a number of other inconsistencies on these shows, but they do get a few things right: People love red meat, ladies here have big hair, rhinestones are always in, Dallas people don't want to live in or travel to Houston for any reason, it's hot as hell all the time, lots of people drive gas-guzzling SUVs and just about everyone is a Republican or thinks they are a Republican.

I'm always taking the stance that Dallas a whole can do better and I'd like to say the same for the film and television industry: DO BETTER.

If you're going to constantly show cattle and lead people to believe it's Dallas, at least show it dead and on a plate.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 5

We pick up this week in London! Emily is really into European history. She's really excited to share this experience with Ricki. Meaning, she lets Ricki leave the hotel room once and they take some pictures.

"Wow, look at that flag!" -- Emily
"Oh, wow." -- Ricki

"We don't have anything like this in Charlotte." -- Emily


Chris meets up with the boyZ and once again, explains the rules. Don't get me started on this. Can't they google it at this point?


Sean gets the date card! Love takes no prisoners!
Cool aqua plaid snap-down shirt, Sean.

Sean and Emily are spending the day together and touring the city on a double decker bus. A London tradition!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean takes it pretty next level and stands up on the bus and screams, "Hello, London!" Emily seemed to really like that he did that. She even says, "That was cool." I didn't really like it.

"I feel like I should know what that is." -- Sean, looking at Big Ben

Sean and Emily spend some time getting some photos for the scrapbook. It felt good and natural. And Sean is safely saying he's falling for Emily.

We skip back to some boyZ at the hotel and Kalon is airing his frustrations. He begins by saying he'll be on group dates the rest of his life with Ricki always tagging along. To be fair, that's not true. Ricki hasn't been on a single date yet. Am I right?!

Sean went on one date 4 or 5 months ago and that gUrl didn't have the qualities he was looking for, so it was just one date. This lead to a super dumb conversation about good guys walking by or something. At this point Sean stood up on a box and said something about his grandparents being married and he wants to maybe love someone someday and he's hopeful. He's really hopeful.

It's really ironic because this is the least hopeful I've ever been in human beings.

The second part of the date is a really quiet dinner at the Tower of London. Emily is waiting on Sean to drop bombs, but he doesn't have any bombs, he's just a simple guy with perfect parents. I don't know how those two stayed awake to talk to each other. They must've been watching paint dry or something.


The other boyZ get the group date card and it's 1/8 of a line from Romeo and Juliet. They are confused. Finally, someone pipes up and says, "I think it's Shakespeare." Listen, I get it. I'm smarter than some people, but in reality, I'm not that smart.  SO, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? They had no clue what that line was from?!

Kalon is NOT happy about going on the group date.
I'm just not happy in general.

"I don't see tomorrow smelling decent at all, I see it smelling like shit." -- Kalon
I think it just depends which way the wind is blowing, son. 


Back to the Tower of London! Sean and Emily are gearing up for Fourth Meal at Taco Bell or something. How do they not ever show these people yawning? Or eating? Have they eaten all day?

"As you know, I have a six-year-old daughter." -- Emily

She then says she doesn't want to rush into anything, but she wants more kids and she wants them immediately. Sean says he can't wait for "that to be my own kid." However, he hasn't thought a lot about it? At one point he says he'd like to have 10 kids. He says that while looking like he shit in his pants. Anybody who says they haven't thought about how many kids they want and then says they want 10 kids clearly, really, has not thought about it.

"This is like the best view ever." -- Sean
So, it's like the best view?
Or it's like, the best view?

"This night could go on forever." --Sean


The group date is taking place at Shakespeare's birthplace!


The boyZ are going to be, "performin' some Shakespeare today."

Travis has on a shawl sweater that he bought in the junior's department at K-Mart in Jackson, Mississippi. Why is that sweater so small?

Doug does NOT want to act today. Actually, it's the last thing he wants to do today.

Emily is using this experience to see who is silly enough to be a dad. Again, my dad would be terrible at this, but he's a great dad. THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY OF PICKING A FATHER FOR YOUR CHILD. It's just not.

Ari and Doug are playing Juliet's nurses and they are just trying to be positive.
That's my exact attitude every time I turn this show on. I'm just trying to be positive. Clearly, it doesn't work.

POULTICE: something you put on your body to relieve pain.

I'm quite certain that most of these boyZ on this group date have never read Romeo and Juliet before. I don't even think they've seen the Claire Danes and Leo version of it. You know, the updated one. The weird one with guns.

The dudes find out that there's going to be a live audience watching them perform today. Can you imagine making the trek to Shakespeare's birthplace, because you know, that's something you do when in England and you hear that people are going to be performing and you sit down and... then, you have to spend an hour watching these assholes act like assholes? What if they had to pay to watch?

(Quote from Romeo and Juliet, not shown tonight.)

I am biting my thumb at all of these people.

Quick summation: They are all terrible. Kalon takes it really seriously. Ryan kisses Emily several times and Emily kisses him back in front of everyone several times. Talk about awkward.

AFTER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They toast to Shakespeare and Shakespeare was all like, "STOP MENTIONING MY NAME."

Where do you think Ryan got that vest from? Honestly, it's the smallest vest I've ever seen on a man. I just need all men to quit wearing vests.

Ryan gives Emily a necklace and Emily loves it. I thought it was weird the way he just pulled it out of his pocket. How did it not get all wadded up? Whatever. He has the right idea, I guess. I mean, I usually get gifts after going out on one date with a man.

Kalon's making an ass out of himself. Again.
Then, he sits around and pouts. He's the saddest J. Crew catalog cutout I've ever seen.

Doug decides to confront Kalon because his kid isn't baggage, so Ricki isn't baggage either. Doug is so serious about this confrontation that he takes his coat off. It was like he was coaching a basketball game and shit was about to get real. No more easy buckets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doug puts his jacket back on to tell Emily about her baggage.


Emily is ready to rip limbs off. She wants to go West Virginia hoodrat, backwoods on him. Personally, I don't think she can technically go "hoodrat" because I don't think there are any hoodrats or even cities in West Virginia. She's been watching YouTube too much.

Doug gathers the gang up for this confrontation and he's loving it a little too much. He just needed a power point presentation to bring this all together.

Emily kicks Kalon out. Kalon barely defends himself. Actually, he's totally into baggage. His mom was a single mom. Baggage is responsibility. He just wants a kid of his own!

LISTEN. I've figured it out. Kalon feels like baggage and has his whole life. Soooooooooooooooooooo. He's obviously got some baggage, too. See ya in therapy, K-dawg!

"I think I'm a stand-up guy." --Kalon
In my experience if you have to tell someone that you're a stand-up guy, you're either not a stand-up guy or you're paralyzed.

Emily is bummed out. No one told her about what Kalon said. No one gets the rose. She's going home to cuddle bug with Ricki.


It's time for Emily's date with Jef (not a typo, just one 'F'). But, first she's spending some time with Ricki and letting her believe that dragons live in Buckingham Palace. She also thinks a king lives there. OY VEY.

Jef (short for Jeff) and Emily are hitting up the English version of cotillion and etiquette lessons with Jean. It was bad. Jean was super into it and super annoying. They decide to skip out on tea and get some fish and chips. WHICH THEY DIDN'T EAT. They just ordered to make it seem like they are all down to Earth and shit.

Oh, you got fish and chips?! You're so normal and fun!

We're still talking about baggage.
Jef knows about expensive handbags and that scares me.

They head to the London Eye and Jef seems really sweet and all of that, but he's also super intense and well, he's on this show. I'm convinced no one on this show is a normal human being.

They don't eat their English trifles.
But, they do want to be BFFs.


ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily is still on this baggage kick. Gah, I really hope baby gUrl flies Southwest.

Ryan has on a scarf.

Travis has on a vest. Like, seriously, men. Come on. Let's get rid of the vests.

"If somebody said something bad about your gUrl, what would you do?" -- Emily
Really? Seriously?

This starts a series of conversations and questions that all end with Emily saying, "I just want someone to have my back."

Is she looking for a husband or someone to join her in a street fight?

Ari gets it the worst. She did not feel like Ari had her back.

It's becoming obvious that Emily does have some baggage. She's way too into people having her back. Something must've happened in middle school and someone didn't have her back and she has NOT forgiven that person.

I'm not 100% sure I even know what it means to "have someone's back." Do I have to punch someone if I have their back? Or do I just have to tell them what some asshole said about their kid? I think that the boyZ did tell her about what some asshole said about her kid. Right? Isn't that what Doug did? Remember the whole scene where he sat everyone down together and put Kalon on blast and then Emily dropped the F-bomb? I AM SO CONFUSED.

Is there anything left to say about Ryan?

Emily missed Sean.
She gets butterflies in her heart with him.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily is playing games with Ari!!!!!!!
That's some bullshit, Emily.

She sends Alejandro home. Alejandro is like, way upset. Probably on the level that his mom was upset when he rolled in with that earring for the first time.

He starts crying. And I'm all, if this was real life, y'all wouldn't even be Facebook friends!!!!!!!! They never went on a date!!!!!!!

Emily announces that they are headed to an even older place than London (according to her): Croatia!
The boyZ have NO idea that Croatia is a country or a place or real. Like, watch the Olympics or something!!!!!!!!!


See ya in Croatia, idiots!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 4.

We see the boyZ before we even see Barbie Emily this week and that's because EMILY HAS ALREADY LEFT CHARLOTTE FOR THE BEAUTIFUL ISLAND OF BERMUDA.

Well, holy hell, Chrissy Poo Harrison, one side of your collar is starched more than the other. Get at me.


We head south to spend some time with Emily and Ricki. The next three minutes are what I'm going to call a "montage of weirdness." Ricki is far too old for Emily to be picking her up and holding her like that. And Emily wants this to be known as a "normal family vacation." A normal family vacation where mommy brings 12 dudes along and kisses some of them and leaves you in a hotel room alone with a stranger. PUT IT ON THE CHRISTMAS CARD.


The boyZ get to Bermuda and Doug learns that it's finally his turn for a one-on-one date. Doug has a little trouble understanding the premise of the one-on-one date. He asks several times, "If I don't get the rose, I go home?" He again reminds us that he has a son and that HE PUT HIS ENTIRE LIFE ON HOLD FOR THIS. That's how I feel every Monday night, Doug. You are not special.

The boyZ really mess with Doug's psyche before Emily arrives and it felt like a mix between a sad, sad sleepover and a weird middle school locker room where everyone was basically dressed alike. And kind of like a shitty cult that couldn't really agree on anything except who they are worshipping and clothing choices.

FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME: If you don't get a rose, you go home. That's the rule for the whole show. No rose, plane ticket home. Got it?

Doug and Emily go shopping. They "get each other."

"I just like island towns a lot." -- Doug

"This is what married couples do. They walk around town." -- Emily
I've had it wrong for so long, gang. 

Emily asks Doug, "how did you get to be the way you are now?" That's such a loaded question. My answer usually includes: a shit ton of Beverly Cleary books, Mary Tyler Moore and the 1992 election of President William Jefferson Clinton.

Doug, on the other hand, said: my grandpa and a conversation with his son about one person changing the world.

Doug started a charity because "Superman wasn't going to show up." Who wouldn't want to get involved with that great cause?

Doug and Emily write a postcard to Doug's son and Doug described it as, "something a mom would do." Or maybe just something someone on vacation for a long period of time would do?

The two then walk through the Moon Gate. Listen, y'all, it's a Bermudian tradition about having luck and love. You hold hands and walk through it together. After they walked the four steps through the gate Doug said, "I could do that 100 times, that was awesome." You know what, Doug? I could probably do it 1,000 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't even have to do anything! Why would you even want to do it again? It was a concrete arch that looks exactly like a concrete arch.

It's time for dinner.

I'm stressed out by Doug. Emily is stressed, too. He reminds her of Brad. Oh, shit! It's about to get real.

Emily asks Doug if he's perfect and Doug says no, but he's an idiot and then says his ex-girlfriend was mad at him for not washing her car enough. OVER IT. Then, he tells Emily that being stubborn is NOT a fault. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM, DOUG?

Doug gets the rose.


It's group date time!!!!!

Before the date all the boyZ headed to the Gap and American Apparel to get some matching, but not quite matching outfits. Yes, outfits.

We're about to go sailing! The boyZ learn that while sailing, teamwork makes the dream work. And then, they learn they are going to be racing the sail boats! Against each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever been so nervous? Me neither.

The winner of the race gets to spend the evening with Emily. I'm assuming that's the prize, but then the losers probably just get to go back to their beach condo and drink all night. Not sure if there are any real losers here tonight. Scratch that, there are a lot of real losers. Just not when it comes to racing and prizes.

"To be honest, I hate watching guys compete." -- Emily
oh, gUrrrrrrl. Oh, you silly gUrl. 
This show is a competition. 

Who are these people that loaned their boats to these yahoos? I'm guessing they are rentals. Oh, look. A guy that's not a contestant on the show is driving the boat. LAME.

Yellow wins, red loses. I'm so upset.

"When we got to the finish line, I felt defeat." -- Charlie
That's because you lost. 

The van ride back to the hotel for the red team was like, WHOA. Charlie cried. I think he was crying anyway. Sure looked like he was crying. I mean, those guys were acting like it was a real boat race for a real prize. Get it together. Be a man.

Ryan starts off the party with a toast about Emily being a trophy wife. Everyone seems offended. But, I mean, is that really such a terrible thing to say? There are so many worse things he could've said. I could list them, but you'd quit reading.

Ari "steals" Emily away from the other boyZ and they kiss and talk about patience and other bullshit and Emily slaughtered a lamb earlier in the day and then made a blanket.

Then, it's time for Jef (just one 'F' here, folks). Jef really likes who Emily is, but he doesn't know how Emily feels. But, when he thinks about her, he likes her. Which, let's be honest that's far better than the alternative.

Ryan gets his special time with Emily and he starts out with a bang!

"There's a lot of depth here... I have a mature approach to relationships... I'm not here to impress you." -- Ryan
Emily's response was, "you're very interesting to me." OOPSIES. Then, she quoted her favorite offensive things that he's said to her.

He's an asshole.

He shifted from telling her not to be fat to telling her that she's a role model and he wants her to use this opportunity to impact tons and tons of people. Which was his lead into telling her that he saw her kiss Ari before the rose ceremony last week. Emily felt judged. Which is exactly what was happening, baby gUrl. He was judging you.

Jef (that's not a typo, there's only one 'F') gets the rose.


It's time for the two-on-one date, but first Emily spends some time with Ricki by the pool. You know, just a normal family vacation.

Nate and Wolf pack up their shit in case they don't get the rose. You'll remember: if you don't get a rose, you go home. Got it?

The boyZ left in the hotel room are talking about age differences. They are arguing, but all I can focus on is the fact that Doug is wearing a hoodie sans shirt. GROWN ASS MEN DON'T WEAR HOODIES WITHOUT SHIRTS UNDERNEATH, DOUG.

I'm already bored on this two-on-one date. Maybe that's because Emily told me for the 98th time that the water is a "beautiful turquoise."

Shocking, ABC. Shocking. They jump off some cliffs.

They have dinner in a cave and we hear the word, "cool" 14 times. These people have huge ass vocabularies.

It's like, so awkward that the boyZ don't even want to eat.

Nate's wearing a khaki blazer in a cave with a salmon v-neck t-shirt.
Everything about that sentence is weird.

Then, Nate starts crying as he scrolls through his Facebook friends in his head and talks about them to Emily.

Wolf gets the rose and Khaki Blazer packs it up and is sent away on a boat. ALONE.

Oh, Emily has on a three-quarter sleeve snakeskin jacket. Every gUrl needs one of those in her closet.


Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!

Before Emily leaves for the party she asks Ricki if she's done her homework. If Emily cared about her schoolwork she wouldn't drag her daughter to Bermuda during the middle of the school year. And did you get a glimpse of that homework? It was just scribbles on paper. And not even good scribbles. Like, real shitty scribbles.

Ryan lets everyone know how confident he is about his connection with Emily.

You know what I'm not confident about? That weird ass ponytail extension. It looked like a cartoon broom.

All the boyZ have decided that Ryan is not the one for Emily.
I think Ryan's the one for Ryan.

"I want someone who always has my back." --Emily
Yeah, who isn't looking for that in a mate for life?

All of Ryan's interviews are quote-worthy.
That's what happens when you're a huge TOOL.

Sean finally gets some time with Emily and I'm hoping he reminds her how perfect his dad is again. Damn. He doesn't. But, I think I saw his tongue when he kissed Emily. When they were done kissing she said, "thank you." He said, "you're welcome." WEIRD.

Doug and Ryan get together and talk about not kissing Emily and not being younger. I really hope Ryan sends Doug's son a postcard soon!

Chris lets Emily know that he's ready to be a husband and a father. His age does not matter, y'all. He's insulted. He's sick. He's 25 and he's going to confront Doug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris drags Doug outside "like a grown ass man," because he's never going to back down to him. Doug giggles the whole time.

"I don't believe you." --Chris
"Believe what?" --Doug
"Just you in general."
Fair. Just in general. Doesn't believe him in general.

"Christopher!" --Boy with a high-pitched voice as Chrissy Poo entered the room for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily is NOT taking this lightly.
You know what's not light?
That horse tail hanging from the back of her head acting like a human person's ponytail.

Alejandro has two earrings. That's one in each ear.
Two earrings.
He's an adult.

Alejandro gets the rose over Broken Brain Boy and Boy with the Long Ass Ponytail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Oh, their names are Charlie and Michael! Who knew?!?!!)

"I've never been in love before. I hope that I fall in love." --Michael
Then, he cried. Which was just embarrassing. 

"It sucks that I am not going to be continuing on this beautiful journey that I've started." --Charlie
Yeah, it sucks. 


We learn that the whole gang (PLUS RICKI) is headed to London.

I sure as hell can't wait!

From next week, "I am so excited to be in London, it's so old."



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