Wednesday, April 28, 2010

the hills: new and not improved.

Well, finally. It's back. PTL, this is the last season though.

I know a thing or two about train wrecks and honey, this show is a train wreck.


We started off with a bit of a recap and thankfully, they showed Spencer wearing that God forsaken cowboy hat, which I think should get a spin-off when all of this is over with.


We meet up with Lil' Lo and StephiePratt. I find it completely interesting that Lo says, "Hey gUrl, what's up?" And non-chalantly StephiePratt says, "Just had an AA meeting." I mean, it was literally like she was saying, "Oh, nothing, just running some errands. Bought some tampons at Target. NBD."

"I'm only 23 and I've been to jail twice...that's not normal." --StephiePratt

"Are you allowed to go out with us?" --LO

"I'm not grounded." --StephiePratt

Immediately Lo asks if StephiePratt can go out, because that's what you do when you're friend is attending AA-- you ask her to go out. After a little bit of a rundown about who and what is going down in Miami (that's what she said) StephiePratt has suddenly changed clothes and has fixed her hair differently! Oh, Hills Producers, you cannot fool me! I know your typical viewer demographic is a group of borderline mentally challenged teenagers, but come on! It's a completely different outfit and her hair is totally different!

When StephiePratt says she hasn't seen her brother or Heidi in months, Lo breaks it down for her...

"Eyebrow lift, ears pinned back, nose job, chin job, boob job, BUTT job." --LO

"Butt job? ...How do, how do you add...?" --StephiePratt


We make our way over to the Pratties and well, Heidiiiiiiiiiii's got a new face (SHOUT OUT! VAMPIRE WEEKEND)! SpencerBoy doesn't want wifey going to Colorado, but that should be the least of his worries-- he should be worried about going out in public wearing that necklace.


What up, MIAMI?!

We meet up with the Bromance crew and all the single ladies about to get their RAGE on, but first let's do some jet skiing!

I've somewhat decided that Lo sits around in her spare time and reads Ok! Magazine and US Weekly. How else does she know all that she knows? Surely, SURELY, she's not just sitting around making shit up and then saying it out loud? gUrl, you gotta keep some thoughts to yourself! Come on!


When we make it to Casa Montag in Colorado we open up with a montage of family photos. Smooth, Hills Producers. Smooth. Please remind me of how cute and normal looking Heidi was before she went all Bride of Frankenstein on me.

Darlene musters up some enthusiasm to answer the door, but it fades quicker than Heidi's solo music career did. Tears start flowing like the Nile.

"Don't touch anything..." --Holly, in reference to Darlene touching Heidi and after Heidi told her to "be careful with everything."
We are dealing with fine China here, people.

"What? You act like you have a new face or something?" --Heidi
Bitch, you do have a new face! There's no other way to put it!

The conversation between BoF (Bride of Frankenstein) and her mother is seriously one of the saddest things I've ever seen on tv. Seriously, next to Old Yeller and the series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, this is it! This girl must have had her brain nicked during the ear-pinning process. Darlene is crying for a reason and it ain't because her daughter's jaw is "kind of locked up," it's because her daughter is married to a son of a bitch and now she's got psychological issues.

"Is that permanent?" --Darlene

Things took a real turn for the worse for me when Heidi compared her surgeries to brain surgery, or even "huge surgery." Darlene is doing nothing but trying to understand BoF and Holly is sitting in the corner shaking her head. I'm guessing Holly is shaking for two reasons: first off, she needs a drink. For sure. And two, she had to sit on a plane for two hours and look at Heidi and listen to her justify her completely irrational decision to have 10 surgeries done and then compare it to brain surgery. I'd be in a corner shaking and rocking myself, too, Holly.

"This is what I chose and there's nothing that I can take back." --Heidi
Yes, exactly! That's what the big deal is, you idiot.


Back to Miami where the Red Bull flows like water and black rompers are the new jeans and a halter top.

The gUrlies are drinking and making obligatory toasts to "friendship." It's shit like that that confirms this crew is far from being an actual crew and closer to being something more along the lines of people who hate each other and only hang out when they have to film their reality tv show. I don't know. I could be wrong. I'm not.

King of the Bromance, Brody, and his band of BoyZ barge in and make yet another toast, but this time they toast to friendship AND raging. I'd have to rage to be friends with these people and fool myself into thinking we are close enough to make toasts about being friends. I see their options are limited.

When they finally make it out to the clubs, Brody and Auds walk to the bar by themselves and K-Cav decides she wants to shoot herself in the head. I'm there with you, gUrl.


The sun is rising in Miami and so are all the single ladies. These bitches are looking R-O-U-G-H.

StephiePratt, being the huge idiot that she is, asks AuddiePat why just she and Brody went to the bar. She made it seem like the two went on a date or something simply because they walked 13 feet together without buffers. I could think of better ways to start drama than that. Come on!

When Lo asks what time everyone went home and K-Cav exclaims, "Like, 5..." you would've thought the girls just found out Santa Claus isn't real AND that they may be forced to actually get jobs in the very near future by the shocked looks on their faces. Granted, 5am is a little late to stay out, we're talking about K-Cav here, not your grandmother. Are you really that shocked? Doubtful.

The look on K-Cav's face when all the gUrlies thought staying in would be fun, was completely priceless. It's like she was sitting in on a Senate Finance Committee hearing or something. She was not happy.


Back to Colorado and BoF's preshie little stepfather is desperately trying to make everything alright and he asks her all of these questions and tries to listen to her and the next thing you know he says he face looks "frozen." Oops, dad. Oops.

The food comes and in a dramatic move for The Hills-- SOMEONE TRIED TO EAT. But, of course, this person's jaw is "kind of locked" and can't eat. Oh, so tricky you Hills Producers!

"I'm just having a mature conversation with a brilliant, articulate woman." --BoF's mom

Cue look of complete horror and distain from BoF. She was so offended that her mother called her mature, brilliant and articulate. I was a little offended too, because clearly...she is none of those things. Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em.

How is little brosef dealing with all of this? I mean, I am going to call up the Montag Casa and volunteer to pay all of his therapy bills. He's like 15, this can't be good for him to see. Well, actually it's not good for any of us to see.


Back to Miami, where the heat is on and they party all night to the break of dawn (SHOUT OUT! VAMPIRE, CRAZY).

The gUrl crew minus K-Cav is chilling in the hotel looking all fly and shit (thanks, Fergie), which leads me to believe these gUrls are not staying in for the night. If I'm staying in for a night, the last thing I do is wash my hair and the second to last thing I do is put shoes on. Lo decides it's ok to leave her and then StephiePratt chimes in with her brilliant commentary and thinks this is all happening because AuddiePat and Bromance Brody walked to the bar the night before. But, no...Lo thinks she's on drugs. Two different perspectives. I like the angles we're going with here.

"None of us need to be in a space where there's drugs, where there's crack heads, like..." --LO
I couldn't agree more.

Cue K-Cav and nasty bartender Stacie taking shots at the club. Where did she come from? Do the editors on this show even try anymore?


Another day has come and the gUrls bust up into K-Cav's hotel room, in what could possibly be the funniest scene of all-time on The Hills. It was like a real reality tv show there for a second. And who were those croanies crawling out of K-Cav's bed? So many questions.

Many applause to K-Cav for jumping out of bed like a champ though. That's what I like to see-- a little pep in her step.

K-Cav is looking like a total train wreck and the gUrls are interrogating K-Cav like they are homeland security or something. They leave K-Cav to gather her shit and then go about six feet away to whisper about her. Not a smart move. You have to at least shut the door or go to another room. Haven't you ever been to a slumber party?

"Do we have to go in public with her right now?" --LO
If I had a dollar for all of the times my friends have said that about me, I'd have a lot of dollars right now.

K-Cav calls them out for talking about her and then, in a scene out of Intervention, all hell breaks loose and the cat is out of the bag.

"Everybody is saying that you're doing drugs." --LO

"Kristen, your legs are like, tiny. You're wearing sunglasses all day." --StephiePratt
Now, there's an argument.

This is also the part where I got really confused. Had K-Cav been sleeping all day? What time did they wake her up because they don't have to leave until 4pm, but they are freaking out like they are going to miss their flight if they don't leave in the next 46 seconds.

The dramatic music begins and K-Cav reflects on her supposed drug problem by digging through her purse and staring at the floor.


I have no more words for BoF and her family. Her family is legit and they care about their daughter. They clearly cannot help Heidi, so maybe they should focus on Holly and the shit she is always wearing on her head.


Back to Miami where the gUrls are waiting. K-Cav swoops in just the barely to catch the car to the airport. Thank God.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

infinity and beyond.

Damn it, this is America.
Go big or go to Canada.

Growing up I didn't dream of doing much with my life. At a very young age I wanted to be a doctor, I realized quickly math and science were a strong no-go for me, so I dropped that one before I left 1st grade. I then moved on to dreaming of being a soccer or basketball coach, but dropped that one when I realized I'd have to keep my bowl haircut for the better part of my life and I'd have to invest in way more track (wind) suits than I wanted to. So, I decided around 7th grade that I wanted to be in advertising, specifically, I wanted to write ad copy. Later, I realized I just wanted to be able to create on a daily basis. So, pretty much, I'm doing what I want with my life (most days).

I gave you that incredibly boring piece of my history for a reason. In America, kids are allowed to dream of being whatever they want when they grow up. In Russia and China, kids are lined up at the age of two and told their destiny. And then they start their training. I mean, the Reg spent a solid 18 years of my life convincing me I needed to be an engineer and with enough hard work he thought I could do it. Yeah right. I couldn't be an engineer any more than I could be a Chinese gymnast. But, I digress.

Kids dream big in America. That's what being an American is. Kids dream of being astronauts. Kids dream of being marine biologists (Side note: WTF? Why do so many kids think that's a logical goal for their lives?). Every kid in America thinks they can grow up to be whatever they want: President, astronaut, ad copywriter-- you name it, you can be it.

Well, not any more, kids. Let's get real: you can't be an astronaut because NASA is in jeopardy. You can't go to space because Obama is cutting the space shuttle program. Now, you can go read all about this subject and we can debate on and on and on because Obama says, he's "restructuring" NASA, but I don't care.

This is America. We HAVE to be doing shit other countries can't do or won't do. Admittedly, I don't give two rats asses about the moon, space, rockets or space shuttles...but, I do care about being awesome. I do care about living in America and the meaning behind living in America: we're better than you at exploring space, basketball, creating awesomely stupid talent shows for television and holding elections.

If I wanted to grow up and dream of being something logical and realistic I'd move to Canada, where things are good, but not awesome.

This is America.
This is the country where washed-up boy band members can go to space.
Let's keep it that way, please.

Friday, April 9, 2010

what's in a name.

I just read an interesting article in the New York Times (my level of sophistication, surprises you, eh?) about naming your baby and then regretting the name you gave said child. I was surprised to find that only three percent of people surveyed said that they, in fact, regretted the name they gave their child. Something in me is guessing that they only surveyed people who named their child something normal and civil.

Because, surely, some of these crazy-ass-people (CAP) who name their children after a fruit, a car, a motorcycle or a beer are feeling a little uneasy about the decision. And surely, the people who give their kid a functionally normal name and then trick it out with some weird-ass-spelling (WAS) regret it when they are constantly yelling, "Mad-a-line! M-A-D-D-Y-L-Y-N-N-E-E! Just like it sounds!" I'm sorry, that's not just like it sounds. What's with all the extra letters? And why are people suddenly changing the spelling of names so their kid is "different." Just because your kid spells their name Ashleee instead of Ashley doesn't make them different. It makes them difficult. I also think it sets them up for a life of being high-maintenance.

I've never named anything more than a few dogs and a couple of fish, but I never named them anything I regretted. I do wish I would've ventured out a little more when naming my teddy bear, Teddy, but that was actually a pretty original name.

When my parents were debating on what to name me they both wanted some glory (I think they knew how awesome I would turn out) and wanted me to be their namesake. My father wanted Regina (oh, Lawd, what if?) and my mother wanted Lauren. Praise God my mother's ego was bigger and they went with Lauren. In a not-so-awesome move they gave me the middle name Nicole and decided I would go by Nikki, as to not confuse the public (Lauren and Laurie sound alike when you mumble). I'm a firm believer that any name that features not one, but two K's and ends with an I is a recipe for disaster. In a move to make my life easier, better and a lot less trashy, my father decided just a few days into me being out of the womb that Nikki simply wasn't going to cut it. He knew I would dream of being a United States Senator and author. He knew I wanted respect and admiration. And he knew a person with that name would never get it.

By dropping the two K's and an I shit-storm my parents set me up for success. I just wish the rest of the world would do that when they name their children. I mean, seriously...are you ever going to vote for someone who's name is Madisyn? or Kaedence? What about Abdulkareem?

Think before you drink. And don't drink before you name your baby.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

318 months stats.

Well, yesterday marked 318 months for this little lady! Not only am I walking and talking just as great as ever, but I'm eating solids and drinking alcohol! I couldn't be more happy with myself at 318 months and it's safe to say the joy I am bringing to people through my karaoke skills, dance performances and word-smithing is matchless.

Lauren Nicole Cowling at 318 months.
Size medium shirts, size 8.5 shoes.
Hair past shoulders and all of my own teeth.

I'm currently loving: falling asleep to Chelsea Lately on E!, reading books about real people, playing Words with Friends, watching any and all reality television available, pizza, wine and vodka cocktails. I'm also loving that's it's pool-time weather and wedding season! And lately, I just can't get enough of York Peppermint Patties!

I'm most excited about: Vampire Weekend concert this weekend, getting my hair cut, having a stove in my apartment in about a month, being able to do laundry at my leisure in about a month and pool-time weather!

My favorite words: shit, ass, asshole, bitches, cheers, no.

Thanks for checking in! I know I'm awesome and I know there's a lot more fun ahead of me in this life! I can't wait to watch myself grow!

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