Monday, June 29, 2009

heaven only knows.

This weekend, for the second time, I ventured to the 6th Floor Museum in downtown Dallas. If you're unfamiliar with the 6th floor and it's significance, it's believed to be the spot that Lee Harvey Oswald aimed his rifle at JFK and shot him. Side note: I side with the Warren Commission and believe that Oswald shot him.

Anyway, while taking a stroll through the museum a very small thing caught my attention in a big way: it was the card from JFK's funeral and this was across it, "Dear God, please take care of your servant John Fitzgerald Kennedy."

Now, for obvious reasons, this got me to thinking about Heaven. I think about Heaven all the time and what it'll be like. Mostly, I get extremely excited to sit and talk with Paul. I have more than enough questions for Paul to last us through eternity. Most notably: Did anyone continue to call you Saul and were people like, "Sorry, Saul, you can't choose your own nickname, I will not call you Paul?" And I really want to sit and talk with Peter and see if he is as dumb as I imagine.

But, after reading that funeral card I immediately realized something: There is a huge possibility (meaning, I know I'll be there) that I could be in Heaven with JFK! Not just JFK, but every other President of the United States that claims Christianity, which is all of them, I believe.

Are you kidding me? I will have the opportunity to sit with Franklin Pierce and discuss his amazing list of besties? I can ask James Buchanan if he was gay? I can ask James Madison if he had short man syndrome? The possibilities are endless on this...I'm hoping that when Jesus greets me at the gate he brings Martin Van Buren with him to usher me into His eternal kingdom.

And I also hope there's pizza.

Friday, June 26, 2009


Like everyone else in the world, today I am mourning the loss of Michael Jackson. Yesterday my brosef called and said, "Hey...just wanted to check on you...figured you'd be pretty upset." Yes, upset I was and and upset I am.

On my fifth birthday I danced around my house and sang, "You know I'm five, I'm five, you know it...tell you once again...who's five?!" I loved him then and I love him now.

I loved him even more when my nickname in high school became Thriller and at each dance one of my friends would request it and I'd dance a solo to it. I even have the "Thriller" album framed in my office at work-- it was a high school graduation gift.

Michael Jackson, I salute you for being a complete weirdo and for giving the world some really bad ass music. I'll try to ignore the fact that you were accused of some pretty sick things and remember that you were not convicted. I'll remember your attempt to heal the world and free Willy. I'll heed your advice and remember to always think twice. I hope now, where ever you are, that Diana is no longer dirty, that Billie Jean has found the father of her child and that you can be accepted for who you are on the inside and not on the outside, because Michael, it doesn't matter if you're black or white.

Here's to you, MJ, here's to you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

coming soon: Jesus (maybe)

I was barely 16 when the Y2K hysteria swept through Baptist churches across the land, but I remember the panic and the stockpile of canned goods and bottled water. I found it silly then and even more humorous now. It was as if people were declaring that if the world was going to end and Jesus wasn't on his way they could survive off of Spaghettio's and microwavable brownies.

I knew very little about end times then and I barely know enough now to boast an opinion on the subject-- it's just one of those really tough subjects that no one will really know about until it comes...but, lately some really weird things have been happening. Like, really weird. Things, that I believe, are definite signs (signs will be bolded to make it easier for you to follow) of the Lord's impending return. Signs that are very much Biblical: wars, natural disasters and so on and so forth...and then, then there's these: first off, it's hot as fire outside. Even at 7pm. I think Jesus is giving some people one last opportunity to realize that they do not want to spend eternity in hell. Repent now, it's hot!

Then, there's Lady Gaga and Spencer Pratt (yes, the emergence of these two characters lead me to believe Jesus is coming soon). I mean-- who are they? Where did they come from? Are they real? They have to be a sign from the Lord. HAVE. TO. BE. They are everything that is wrong with the world today. Everything. Don't follow? Check it: "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them." 2 Timothy 3:1-5 If that doesn't describe those two I don't know what does!

If that isn't enough to convince you, here are some other things: I own a pair of real-life-fitted-to-my-foot-running-shoes. If you know me, you know that running is very last on my list of things I want to do ever and working out is merely something I say I am thinking about doing to fit in with my friends. Now, I own a pair of real running shoes and go more than once a week? Hello, apocalypse, nice to meet you.

And lastly: my parents told me I shouldn't come visit them, as they would be busy and out of town. The most watched television show on Monday night was about a marriage dissolving. I'm not sure I've ever witnessed something so terribly sad as watching a family fall apart in front of a camera. A camera that they happily welcome. There is a show on television (reality, duh) where a 16-year-old boy said, "I would say my passion is hooking up with girls." What? Is this life? Can that be a passion? Most people's passions fall somewhere in the realm of helping others to basketball and this kid said hooking up with girls? Hello, hurry up, Jesus.

**Usual religious disclaimer: This post was not meant to mock the Lord's return or to take away from the seriousness of the Gospel and His promise to return. But, seriously: repent now, it's hot!

** Bridge diagram available upon request.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

my father.

With Father's Day fast approaching and my ever-so-busy calendar I am paying tribute to my biological father a couple of days in advance. I don't think he's much of a blog enthusiast, which means I'm even more selfless than I originally thought because he might not ever read this! Here's to you, Reg...

How does one write a tribute to the man who's given her 76% of everything she's ever asked for and only asked for 34% of it back in return?

Reg, thanks for being the most punctual person to ever live. Thanks for teaching me that 3:30am is early and 6:30 means you should either be at your destination or halfway there. Because of you, I've never been late to anything ever and all of my friends think I'm the most annoying person in the world and compare me to Hitler when we take a road trip. It's because of you that I can go six hours in a car without having to take a bathroom break and it's because of you that my watch is my best friend and quite possibly, my soul mate. Thanks for teaching me that time is valuable and 30 minutes is only long enough to wait. But, really thanks for making me dependable.

Reg, thanks for valuing education and pushing me to work hard in school, even if pushing me meant putting the fear of God into me at an extremely early age to do well. I'm sorry I couldn't carry on the family tradition of barely squeaking through college with an engineering degree and decided to pursue something more creative and right-brain like. But, you're still the smartest person I know and it's because of you I feel like I can do just about anything simply because, "my dad is an engineer." I can't wait to watch you do math and science with your grandchildren someday. It will surely be a sight to watch someone who needs 57 pages of scrap paper and four pencils (with fresh erasers) do math with children who will probably come out of the womb texting and using calculators. Thanks for having the answer to every question ever and if you didn't have the answer, thanks for getting it in a timely manner. It's because of you that I love to know the how and why of things. You are my human google and that is said with much love and much admiration.

Reg, thanks for being absolutely freakin' hilarious. I'm sorry I didn't figure out how funny you were until I was 18 though. Nonetheless, you make me laugh like no one else and without a doubt much of my sense of humor and dry wit comes straight from the horse's mouth-- you. Thanks for laughing with me and for telling great stories about clowns and pirates and for appreciating Chevy Chase, I owe my love of all the Vacation movies to you. Actually, most movies from my childhood are still my favorites even now, because you didn't know that the brosef and I shouldn't be watching movies like Major League when we were but wee-little-tykes.

Reg, thanks for being a daddy, a dad and a father. You worked so hard to buy me expensive Nike shoes for me to play basketball in and you only missed like, two games ever in my whole life. Thanks for loving me enough to discipline me and teach me right from wrong. And left from right. Thanks for protecting me frogs, from a scary big brother and for making sure I always had my seat belt on. Thanks for playing catch with me or shagging baskets for me even though you had been at work for 10 hours. Thanks for taking care of my mom and for loving her. Thanks for showing me what a husband and dad is supposed to be-- selfless. Thanks for taking care of your mother while she was sick and for being the best son-in-law ever to your mother-in-law. Thanks for finally learning how to text message. Thanks for loving Fergie and for always calling when she's on television. Thanks for teaching me how to do things, no matter how painful, rather than just doing them for me. Thanks for raising me to be independent. Thanks for loving me even though it's extremely difficult at times, but hey-- I am my father's daughter and I couldn't be more proud to say that.

Happy 27th Father's Day, Reg, I hope you finally get that parrot to complete your life as a pirate.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


There are a million different ways you can meet someone: You could be introduced through mutual friends, move past the buffer zone and decide to forge ahead with the friendship. You could meet someone by chance and exchange phone numbers. You could work with someone and decide to be friends outside of the office. Your parents could force someone upon you. You could meet in Sunday school. You could meet in rehab.


You could pursue a friendship over g-chat like, my dear friend (I think that term is appropriate here, given the number of hours we have actually spent together: 3), Corrie and I have been doing for two or so years now. My friend Risa was constantly obsessing over her "grad-school friend Corrie" who was hilarious and I decided I wanted to be her friend and thus, a friendship was born.  She has since became one of my most loyal blog readers (I like to think of them [the readers] as blog enthusiasts, actually) and someone I can constantly bounce history facts off of because she works at the National Archives! She's like the gatekeeper of all the greatness in the U.S. She loves to have me photoshop her or her boyfriend's head on other's people bodies and she gives sound advice on the following life categories: friendships, relationships, jobs, Republicans, when to clap or not clap (like, should we clap after a prayer? Like, if it's really good?), g-chatting while working and one time she helped me decide if a pair of loafers were somewhat butchy.

Corrie is finally get a much deserved SHOUT OUT because she was featured in Washington Life Magazine as one of the Philanthropic 50. Now, do I really know what this means? No. But, am I so proud that she shared this feat with me? YES and YES. 

She's obviously very good at her job, which surprises me somewhat, because when we went on a tour of the White House she would hear about the job of a secretary or aide of some sort and would exclaim, "Oh, gosh! I could never do that job! I bet there's no time for g-chat." But, hey-- I love surprises. 

Congrats, Corrie. I bet your mother is clapping really loud right now. And keep up the g-chatting at work, it doesn't seem to be affecting you much! 

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

connect the dots.

Isn't it always crazy the day you look back at your life and say, "Ohhhhh, I get it now. That happened because ___ happened and ____ happened because of_____." And then, everything in your world is new for a little while and you b-bop along happily until you get angry that _____ happened, sometimes for a second or third time. 

For example, Shasta McNasty is so upset that Robert broke-up with her. She's devastated and won't listen to any Taylor Swift songs, but then she meets Jason and realizes everything she learned from Robert and "bam!" all the pieces fit together for her. This cycle is repeated until Shasta gets married. 

I say all of this for a few reasons:

First, in 10 years when I'm an alcoholic I don't want anyone to be shocked (myself or otherwise). I want to remember that I became an alcoholic because of Dallas traffic. I want to be able to say, "Well, since I sat in traffic all the time with idiot drivers, who go completely ignorant anytime it rains, I decided to start drinking and now I'm here." 

Second, in 20 years when I've had my fifth back surgery I want to remember that I'm having that surgery because I thought buying a television was more important than buying a new mattress. I want to be able to say, "Yes, doctor I know this could have been prevented. I know there were early warning signs, but the pain was never at the forefront of my mind because I was watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge in HD on a huge television!" 

And when I've lost my bid to became a state senator I want to remember that it's because I'm an  alcoholic with a bad back and not because I'm not awesome. I want to be able to look back at my life and say, not what I could've done different or how I could've done more to get elected, no, I want to be able to blame it all on Dallas traffic. 

I want to be able to connect the dots.

So, I close with a warning: pay attention to your life. One trip to Target could turn you into a meth addict. Or having someone tell you to "lay off the bacon," could cause you to revolt against bacon for the better part of your life no matter how much you love it's fatty goodness. 

Friday, June 5, 2009

the 25th.

Today, my bestie, Brittain, who was also my former blogmate turns 25-years-old. It's a monumental day for her as her car insurance rates get lower, she can rent a car and she's closer to 30 than 20. That's a hefty day. 

Having a friend like Brittain is difficult and challenging at times, but the dividends that those trials produce are fruitful and abundant.  Her friendship is truly worth its weight in hair products. 

This blog has seen it's fair share of dedications to Brittain, so I'm going to spare you on all the reasons I love Brittain because just like when she turned 24 the world is better because she's in it. 

Happy Burrday, Britta. You are loved. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Have you ever met someone that immediately had a profound impact on your life? Your world was suddenly changed simply because you knew them? Yes, that is what it was like for me the day I met Karen Gross Rector. 

Karen, who doesn't have a lazy eye, but can perform a body roll on command, has recently "tagged" me over the internetS. How do you break someone's heart and tell them that participating in a "tagging" event via weblogs is just not your idea of a good time? I'm not sure, I'm not sure anyone really is, but here it goes: KareBear, I cannot participate in your game of "tag." I'm terribly sorry. 

But, to restore the friendship and heal the wounds I have undoubtedly just created, I'll participate 2% in homage to your Aggie-loving ways.

8 things I did yesterday: You'll have to settle for one thing.
1. Hung out with lil' hoodrat, Harper Pardue, without parental supervision

8 shows I watch: You'll have to settle for three.
1. Designing Women
2. 30 Rock
3. So You Think You Can Dance

There you have it.
I tag no one. 

Monday, June 1, 2009

the hills: deuces.

So, last night was the season finale of The Hills. It was LC's last episode and Spencer and Heidi's wedding. I remember the first time I ever heard of LC. It was the first season of Laguna Beach and she was trampsin' around Orange County and my life changed forever because of her. For years, I was LC and now, suddenly, I was LC, not the one from Laguna Beach or The Hills. 

They are treating her leaving this show like it's the freakin' Cosby Show or something. Hello, it's reality television, this is her life. I just don't understand. Clearly, the producers don't understand either. Instead of sending LC off to a fictional college or something, they are just making her move out of her house and are forcing Lo to ask, "but, really what's next?" I'll tell you what's next-- Tuesday. Come on. 


Heidi wants the most extravagant wedding EVER and StephiePratt wants to be a bobblehead apparently the way she keeps agreeing with Heidi.

"I want it to be the best cake anyone has ever had, because that's the most important part of the whole thing." -- Heidi

Heidi just can't seem to really decide on what's most important: LC in attendance, cake or marrying Spencer. I can see the toughness on that. Really.

And hello, StephiePratt, if a girl has a sister and she isn't nine and she isn't shooting up heroin or sleeping with the groom, she's a definite MOH, why are your feelings hurt? Because you have a pen and paper and are writing down names of flowers? Get serious about your life.


Spencer and Darlene sit down for a meal and guess what, Darlene doesn't even eat! 

"I want to be the opposite of the person you met." --Spencer

What's the opposite of Satan, Spencer? Darlene gives her blessing and wants to believe Spencer is new and improved. I vote he's old and not improved. 


"You're glowing." --Audrina, to Heidi

Holly, the MOH, shows up a few minutes late, undoubtedly at the prodding of the producers, and the gUrls crew, minus Jayde and her MySpace croanies, are having a "lingerie" type party and sha-bamski! Kristin Cavallari's name is dropped. 

Audrina and StephiePratt are talking about how she should be the MOH, simply because Holly wasn't writing down gifts. But, I never saw her pick up a pen. And I'm pretty sure they were toasting with white zin. Gag.


Brody and LC meet up at Beso, which I bet is a restaurant that doesn't serve food. 

"Cheers, big ears!" --LC, to Brody

That toast prompted a really awesome convo about the size of their ears. 

"Talk to me." --Brody

LC gives the dish on Heidi coming to her office and Brody serves only as a tool in the game of reality television, asking obvious questions.

"I feel like while everyone else is attending a wedding, I'll be attending a funeral." --LC

Brody says he is going to make farting sounds when Heidi walks down the aisle and then LC confirms that they are in a restaurant by saying, "you know we're in a restaurant, right?"

Brody thinks LC will regret not attending the wedding of the year, LC stares at him. What. Will. She. Do?


Spencer and king of the bromance, Brody, meet up and Brody has on the same clothes as he was wearing with LC. Brody has a beer and Spencer condones him. Spencer tells him about therapy and the new Spencer. Brody straight-up laughs in his face and tells him about his relationship with his MySpace hottie, Jayde. 

"I'm not just cold-stone with no heart." --Spencer
"Yeah, you are, you just pretend that you are not." --Brody

Boom. Roasted.


LC gets to work and talks to Kelly about, "what's next?" Kelly stares blankly at her. How in the world did Kelly Cutrone become this fashion-diva-guru-ista? She looks like a greasy middle school gym teacher. 


We meet up, almost suddenly, at the rehearsal dinner. Spencer greets Darlene warmly and Heidi looks a bit like a hooker, not a Biblical wifey.

StephiePratt calls the dinner to order and starts bawling out of nowhere, while toasting. Pretty sure they were toasting the white zin again. Sick. Holly talks about how much Heidi used to pray for her, "love match" while digging in the woods with sticks and berries. I don't know what that means. 

Holly threw a potato and it hit Heidi's purse. Heidi freaked out, which led Holly to cry and get up from the table. StephiePratt basked in the glow of Holly's misery and Spencer went to find them. 

"You just caught her off-guard by throwing food at the rehearsal dinner." --Spencer

Darlene is taking up for her and telling Spencer, with her side ponytail in clear view, that Holly isn't rude and then she has a bit of a nervous breakdown and leaves, causing a bit of a scene at the rehearsal dinner, that I'm pretty sure Spencer's parents didn't attend. 


The girls are getting their nails done and Holly decides to apologize and Heidi then admits that she was pissed that Holly took attention off of her. Holly then says, she is ok with not being the MOH.

"I would never un-maid-of-honor you." --Heidi

Heidi asks Holly if she gave that invitation to the "person" she asked her to give it to. It's obviously Kristin, duh.


Spencer has groomsman, much to my surprise and Charlie Bra wants to bring Bartender as his date. Really? Is this life? Who would do that?


On the eve of the wedding, we meet up at LC's house for her "last night." StephiePratt, the wannabe MOH, is there and not with her brother or future sister-in-law. 

Brody and StephiePratt have a great heart-to-heart. Brody is so sensitive these days. StephiePratt goes inside to be a great friend to LC and literally begs her to come to the wedding. 

"I don't think my attendance is appropriate." --LC

Boom. Roasted.

LC re-joins the party and when asked if she is going to attend the wedding she replies, "maybe next time." Which, in her defense, this is their third wedding, there could easily be a next time.


Finally, it's time and we enter the church. Brody brings his nasty girlfriend and Brent Bolthouse, Heidi's "boss," shows up looking like he might be on his way to a Maroon 5 concert. 

Spencer asks to lead his boys in prayer.

"Please, Lord, God, Jesus give Spencer Pratt the strength today to not faint today in front of 500 people, staring at him, to mess up because I really don't want to mess up Heidi's dream wedding one little bit." --Spencer

Wow. Wow. I try really hard not to be critical of other's people's prayers, but really, really? You aren't even going to pray for the marriage? You're only going to pray not to "mess up" the wedding? Wow. Wow.  And, you talked about yourself in third person during the prayer? No. Words.

Bartender shows up and so does Justin Bobby. This show is so dumb.

"Is it too much?" --Heidi
"Isn't that what you were going for?" --StephiePratt

Ouch. Not exactly MOH. 

And then...then...

LC shows up, Coldplay in the background (which, I think was an accident from the MTV Movie Awards) and LC shows up, all dramatic and everyone gives them, "a minute."

"You're like, bedazzled." --LC, to Heidi

Everyone is talking about whether or not LC is going to show and here comes Kristin Cavallari strutting down the aisle, sweating like a whore in church. She sits down right next to Justin Bobby and we officially have foreshadowing for next season and The Hills without LC. I haven't missed Kristin. She makes me nervous. 

Spencer walks out and then LC takes her seat, while walking right in front of Spencer. Really? Classy move, LC. LC then looks like a junior in high school again as she spots Kristin, her formal rival. 

The doors open and Cowboy Bill walks Heidi down to Spencer. What a bad idea.

Kristin and LC make eyes at each other the whole wedding, which was just weird. Then, she spots Brody and makes him sweat. Kristin is making everyone sweat. I can't wait to see what Jade and her MySpace crew are going to do to her. 

Oh, then they exchanged vows and everyone stood up while they kissed each other. 

"Third time's a charm, right?" --Lo

Boom. Roasted.

The Hills cast walks out of the wedding like they are important and Kristin tells the story about introducing Heidi and Spencer. Then, Kristin asks to be hooked up with Justin Bobby and Audrina crapped her pants. Or at least that is what her face looked like. 

And, in the most dramatic moment of my life, LC snuck out of the back door of the church while Heidi threw the bouquet directly to Kristin, as LC cried in the limo alone. 

What a moment. 
What an ending. 


It was all so fake and so obviously well planned, much like a television show. 

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