Monday, August 8, 2011

you don't know me.

Dear Netflix,

I'd like to applaud you for providing me with hours upon hours of entertainment. I can access you on my computer, my phone or a DVD via the United States Postal Service. Yes, I spend a lot of time with you, but...who the hell do you think you are? Netflix, you don't know me! You don't know anything about me!

Netflix, I get what you're trying to do. You think "suggesting" movies for me to watch will open up my eyes to new movies and I'll feel indebted to you. But, you're wrong. You're offending me. Like, a lot.

Netflix, do you really think I would like the documentaries "Science of Dogs" or "Sea Monsters: a Prehistoric Adventure," really? I mean, be legit with me-- if you know me at all, you know I would never watch that. And why on God's green earth would you suggest "Aryan Brotherhood" for me? Do you think I'm a Nazi or something? It'd be different if it was an actual documentary on Hitler or something, but just a movie on some skinhead rednecks? This what you think I would enjoy? Is what you think I would relate to?

Oh, Netflix, you really think I'd like to see an inside look at "Disney Parks: Where Dreams Come True?" Seriously? I've never pooped a rainbow in my life. Ever. Not even close.

And. Are you suggesting I watch "CareBears: The Giving Movie" because you think I could learn something from it? Perhaps you thought to yourself, "She could really learn something from these animated bears, let's put it in her top 10 for sure."

Netflix, if you would have just taken a second to get to know a little bit about me you would know that "Wrist Cutters" is quite possibly the most hurtful and insincere movie you could ever prompt me to watch. Netflix, I don't think suicide is fun. You put this movie right next to the "Crazies." Real subtle, Netflix. Real effing subtle!

Netflix, I know it seems like I'm really coming down on you right now and maybe I am, but it's just that we've been pretty steady friends for a while now and I'd like to think that at this point in our relationship you'd know that "Whale Rider" is maybe, probably, the last movie I'd ever watch. Ever. Really?

I don't know, Netflix, I'm just saying-- get to know me a little better, eh?

This isn't over. I promise.


You have been paying attention a little bit, because you have suggested the following movies that accurately portray my life, "I Love You, Don't Touch Me," "Revenge of the Bridesmaids," and "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." It's these selections that make me believe you can do better. You are realizing that I don't want people to touch me, that all I ever do is attend weddings and my dating life can best be summed up by the simple fact that males have zero interest in my brown hair.

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