Monday, August 8, 2011

bachelor pad: bah.

Just when you think your life can't get any worse ABC decides to make this premiere 3 hours long. Seriously. Three hours.

We spend about 9 years being re-introduced to these assholes and everyone is all, "that gUrl is crazy," "that gUrl wants to be famous," "you're so fake." It's like, yeah people, this is a television show.

It's surreal to hear crazy people call other people pieces of shit. Or to hear pieces of shit call people crazy. Pot, meet the kettle. You're both black.

"It's definitely a good astrological time for me right now." --Erica
That's what the Dow Jones said.

Who are these people?

Happy to see CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) is back and of course, Vienna and Jake. Like, get excited America. Get excited.

Everyone standing around waiting on who is going to be next through the door is like a really, really terrible version of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." Except it's more like, "Why the F did you invite them to dinner?"

I'm so disturbed by the fact that these people are adults. Do they pay taxes and stuff? Do they do their own vacuuming? Can they take care of pets? Are they allowed to rent cars and not pay an extra fee?

Ella is a mother.
A mother who dresses like a stripper.
A poor stripper.

So, everyone finally arrives and everyone is expecting bombs and fireworks. Kasey spells his name with a "K" and I think someone should have protected him from that. A boy shouldn't have to spell his name like that.

Jake handles the meet and greet like a champ and then it turns to really awkward weather talk really fast. I usually save the awkward talk for minute 12 or so. They launched into about 12 seconds in.

"I can't punch him, but mentally beating the crap out of him feels really good." --Kasey
Oh, really? Wow.

Jake takes Kasey by the hand for a man-to-man talk to let him know he's there to support them as a couple. I can't think of a worse person to have pledge their support. Well, maybe Mussolini or al Qaeda. Kasey says "protect" about 37 times and then tells us he's a real and genuine person. You know how I can tell if someone's genuine or not? If they tell me they're genuine. Always a good sign.

Picking a partner from this crop of people is like picking dinner from three different types of dog food. A girl's gotta eat and a girl's gotta find a partner.

"Hooking Up" was maybe the worst thing that's ever happened on ABC. Good thing this was ABC Family, ABC! No wonder that teenager living in secret got pregnant on your watch.

What do I even say about Vienna after this? I mean, the guy's legs were blue. BLUE. And she's getting all pissy and accusing Kasey of not protecting her and well, I think just about the only thing this guy is actually poised to do is to protect someone. Why does he date her? There are less annoying gUrls out there. Surely.

So, you win a challenge and your reward is a date with Jake? Jake, the guy who screamed at his fiance on television and said, "Stop interrupting me!" Oh, sign me up!

Who knew Kasey was such a schemer. He established the "Kore 4" and look at him go. We've got a future junior senator from Muppetland on the show!

Justin shook everyone's hand, so that means it's a deal!
It's only a deal for about two minutes though. He immediately shakes hands with K4 and goes to the other group and spills every bean and lets every cat out of every bag. Rut-Ro!

Then Alli picks up a couple of beans and tells CAM and Graham all about Justin's shade tree business, which leads Kasey to say, "Kick rock dudes, you're out."

We get to the date and meet a little gUrl, who's likely to grow up and have a husband in prison for one reason or another. She cries like the little gUrl that she is over seeing Jake on the street.

It got really crazy about the time Jackeeeeeeeeee had to crawl through a window to eat her dinner. So silly. She got even sillier when she wanted to propose a toast, but the toast was actually a shot. More power to you, gUrl.

Jake tells the break-up story and nothing in me cares. Not even a little. Not even enough to rewind the part I just missed while I was in the bathroom.

"You saw that break-up special?" --Jake
Oh, wow. WOW.

There are two sides to every story, but this is a story that I wish had -45 sides. I'm so over Jake and Vienna. And I'm over Jake's little game of being some really great guy. Clearly, the shot Jackeeeeeeeeeeeeee toasted to clouded what little judgement these two have because they are considering giving the rose to Vienna...untill Jackeeeeeeee wakes up. She was drunk.

"Don't be that guy...don't make me look at you and be like, 'what?" --Gia
Been there, done that.

[I'm looking at Jake on my tv. My head is saying what?]

Who told Jake he should wear that hat? ABC, I'm talking to you! Who?

Jake gives Vienna the rose and everyone is crying. Vienna's crying, I'm crying looking at Vienna's swimsuit, Gia's crying, Jake's crying. E'erybody crying!

Jakes, the diplomat, sits down for a convo with Vienna and Kasey. Jake apologizes for yelling on tv. That's great and all, but I'd like an apology, too, Jake. But, a part of me feels like maybe he's being serious...I mean...he DID pick this gUrl out of 25 gUrls, so he must've felt something for her, right? I don't know. I can't even begin to pretend like I know how these people think.

Vienna takes Kasey out of the conversation and whispers some creepy shit in his ear. Something about marriage and babies. Then, they get naked and go to bed. These people's parents must be like, "Did you see my baby on tv? So proud!" And then they realized their baby was doing the nasty under an infrared camera. Oops, mom.

The next 45 minutes (seemed like 4 months) was just everyone arguing over how many votes they have, or think they have, or think they don't have. Kasey makes an alliance with Gia. Vienna walks in on the convo and nothing happens.

Everyone gets dressed up in their fanciest duds, if fancy means business casual wear from Target. I kid, I kid. Erica definitely got that dress from somewhere other than Target. I'm sure her spanks (spanx) are from Target though. You could see them, too, right?

Alli and Justin have a conversation about Justin playing both sides. He then takes her photo and talks to it creepily. I wonder if that necklace hurts her. It's so big. Like, bigger than my car.

So, Kasey and Vienna are scheming differently or no? They are tricking me and I don't like it. There's no way these two people are smarter than me. Maybe Kasey is tricking Gia.

If I was on a show with these people and none of them liked me there would be two things running through my head: 1. Holy shit, if these people don't like me, I must be a terrible idiot. If they don't like me, who could? OR 2. I must be a normal human being. Most people fall under the first category. I hope and pray I'd fall under the second.

Justin says he plays both sides in the real world and that this should be easy for him. I'm trying to figure out if he's telling us that he's gay. Still undecided.

I thought Blake was a dentist. That's like, a real career. Taking weeks and weeks of time off from your practice is not good for business. He must not have any patients. So, I guess technically he is a dentist, if only in title.

Finally, after all that, the rose ceremony happens. Zero surprises here: Alli and Justin go home. Justin acts like a big tool shed and won't shake anyone's hand. Way to go out with some dignity, dude. Newsflash: when you're the most arrogant asshole on a show like this, you're probably in the running for most arrogant asshole on the face of the planet. And technically, he's got North America in the bag since he's from Canada. This is not a small continent.

Alli cries to the camera and I think it's because she looked in the mirror.

Alli sums up my feelings exactly, "I'm disappointed. I'm really disappointed." Me too, me too. I'm really disappointed in myself for watching this BS.

What's a Jedi genius master?

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