Tuesday, August 30, 2011

bachelor pad: epi 4.

Oh, thank God! We got to hear Jake's exit speech. And double bonus: Kasey, for the 19th time, said, "Kick rocks, dude," and of course, "I'm gonna punch him. This is for my girlfriend. This is for America!" That's the kind of guy we need on our Olympic team. He knows what America stands for. Clearly. Go America!

Then, we have a kissing contest.

Seriously though.
Blake won. Ella won.
Blake was like, practicing to be in a porno or something. Gagsies.

Apparently, Kasey has bad breath and to me, that's something Vienna would've fixed a long time ago. She doesn't seem like one who holds her tongue to spare someone's feelings. I, on the other hand, am. Once, I was at a dance with a boy, dancing (obvi) and all I could smell was Doritos. I don't even eat Doritos and I knew the smell. But, I was a sweetie and kept it to myself.

Michelle pulled herself out of the "competition" because she has a daughter. I cannot wait to have a kid! I'm constantly going to be like, "Sorry...I'm a mother. How will I explain pumping my own gas to my daughter?" "Oh, I'm sorry...you want me to do what? No, I cannot bring a casserole to your potluck dinner, I'm an effing mother."

To recap, or even observe, the crazy that happened from this point on in the show is impossible. CAMe (Melissa) really came out in full force tonight.

But, FIRST, Kirk and Ella go on a date. They seem like sweet (and somewhat trashy [Ella]) people, but also...boring as hell. Like, boring.

Melissa traps Blake into a conversation about his date and his rose. He doesn't want to take crazy train with him on his romantic date, but she is crazy and doesn't get it. That's the only way to explain: a crazy person's brain doesn't work the way a normal person's brain does. It's crazy.

Kirk and Ella share their sad stories. Kirk lost 20 pounds from mold. Get this gUrl some mold, stat!

Erica gives Blake a massage and I felt so uncomfortable watching her massage him and try to manipulate him at the same time that I can't even explain it. What's wrong with this guy? I know people probably think Erica is the weirdo, but I blame Blake for this. He welcomed that weirdo.

Kirk and Ella kiss in a hot air balloon, but I can't tell if they like each other or if they were just in a hot air balloon.

Holy help! Blake did not choose CAMe. There are buses driving by (I mean, that's what CAMe kept saying, "He's throwing me under the bus.") and fans were just splattering shit all over the walls.

"Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, but Melissa wears her's on every article of clothing she wears every day." --CAM (Michelle)
Oh. Ok.

CAMe begs CAM to punch Blake, but CAM is smarter than that and she only extends her sympathy to CAMe directly.

CAMe's war path continues throughout the house, but she's only met with blank stares. Who got the worst of CAMe's air strikes? That poor, poor yogurt container. She mixed the shit out of that.

"Living with Melissa is like living on an emotional roller coaster. I'm ready to get off." --Erica

CAMe confronts Holly about flirting with Blake. Holly's defense is that she flirts with all the boys. Poor defense, but I buy it. I buy that she just wants to leave the house. I want to leave the house and I have never even been there.

CAMe gets out her geocaching tools to find Blake, but he has 40 seconds left on his evening dental routine and she has to stew even longer. I'm assuming they talked. But, we never saw it.

Blake and Holly leave, while wearing matching outfits. He is such a d-bag. I wish Kasey would punch him for all of America.

Holly and Blake go skiing and it was like, giggle, giggle, giggle. Fall, fall, fall, giggle, air punch, flirt, giggle, fall, wrestle, giggle, giggle.

The date portion of the evening involves red wine and a fire. I didn't see any food, except for a minor glimpse of mashed potatoes. I bet that food was cold. Holly tells Blake the story about the breakup with Michael and never really says where they stand either way. Meanwhile, Michael is at home just pacing the floors and staring at a fire, shirtless. So much drama. Holly keeps talking and then Blake says, "Want to just sleep here?" And of course, she says yes.

During the overnight portion of the date Blake uses the worst line I've ever heard on television to get Holly to kiss him again. At this point, I've lost a lot of hope in Holly. It's a fine line between being an idiot and being confused.

Holly comes back to the house wearing her grandmother's pearls. And her grandmother's friend's pearls. And her grandmother's friend of a friend's pearls.

Michael tells Holly she is "irreplaceable" and ABC decided to play the score from "Titanic" when Beyonce would've been much more appropriate. Michael learns about the kiss and only becomes more convinced that he's in love. Where is the logic in that?

Holly cried a lot. It was basically: cry, confusion, cry, cry, cry, cuddle, share, cry.

Chris Harrison makes his appearance and drops the "one woman, one man" line. I thought all hell broke loose earlier, but...I was wrong.

Kasey tells us that he needs the money or his grandmother won't live. His grandmother sounds like a snob! Like, what? She told Kasey if he didn't come home with the money she'd just die?

Everyone's talking about power couples this and power couples that, but these people clearly don't know what a power couple actually looks like. Let's look at history for a few: John and Abigail Adams, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, John and Jackie Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Then, of course, we have: Bruce and Kris Jenner, Tom Brady and that super model (like I can spell her name), Brad Pitt and Angelia Jolie, and hello, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Those are real life power couples. Tell me where Vienna and Kasey fit into the description now!

William, and his extremely red face, learn about the lies. He's going home.

Michael and Holly are on a special "date" ala the way Brad Womack always took Barbie Emily on special dates. Basically, he found a blanket and some pillows from the pool and they sat outside. SPECIAL is right! At first, I was all, "these people are cute. I hope they make it." Now, I'm like, "Holy hell, figure this shit out somewhere else."

Holly's hair looks better not straight.

This is the point in the show where every single person is voting for CAMe to go home and telling her they didn't vote for her. People are scared of this "lady." And why doesn't she put on a jacket? She's walking around just shivering and I'm all, "you have on a tank top!"

"I'm not mad, I'm just saying, I don't understand." --CAMe
Told you! She doesn't understand. Her brain is crazy. She doesn't understand.

Finally, Michael just gives it to her straight and tells her that EVERYONE voted against her. She looks at Blake, in his signature baby vest, and screams, "Fix this!"

"Stop making me say this out loud." --Kasey
So...he can hear?

My favorite part of the voting, on any show like this, is when a person "feels bad" and says something to the camera like, "Baby gUrl, I'm sorry." Or. "I love you, but..." Yeah, I love you, but you're a crazy ass and no one can sleep while you're here because we're convinced you're staring at us!

William goes home and then gets tearful.
I would be tearful too if I was going back to nowhere Ohio to sell phones for Verizon. How many times a day can one person fake laugh at a customer saying, "Can you hear me now?" My max would be one for the year.

Melissa bawled like a little baby gUrl when he left, too. I've never even seen them talk to each other. So...what?

CAMe goes home and to her dismay, the world doesn't end right there.

Blake is happy, but sad. Blake wears vests that were made for babies. You know what your mother always says, "Never trust a man wearing a vest made for a baby."

CAMe really breaks down in the limo. Like, really. She turns around in the seat. I would, too. That gUrl is an ugly ass crier. Yeah, I threw ass in there. It's that bad.

Then, it was over.


Ashley said...

best 2 lines of the whole show:
1. From William to CAMe "I threw out a neutral vote." "so who did you vote for?" "you." hahahahahaha

2. Erica (who is also exactly like the princess from super mario): "I'm like the smartest one here..."

Mindy said...

As soon as I saw Melissa stirring that yogurt like CRAZY, my first thought was "I can't wait to see what LC's going to say about that." haha! You did not disappoint. I love your recaps.

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