Tuesday, September 29, 2009

the hills: not so welcome back.

The piece of shit show that I love to hate is back. Not bigger. Not better. More annoying. More frustrating. LC is gone. And K-Cav is in. I have a new job which will probably result in less blog recaps, but for now...


We begin at Tart. The gUrlies are sitting around talking about K-Cav, the evil she-princess.

"Yeah, I know she was like Brody's first girlfriend and he got her a dog and I was like, Brody doesn't have girlfriends."-- StephiePratt

"She's easy to get in a fight with." --Lo
"Like, physical?" -- StephiePratt
"Is she gonna be our friend now?" --Audrina

Why, yes, Audrina, she IS going to be your friend, but not because you want her to be or because you like her, but because your life is controlled by PRODUCERS. Welcome to a false reality, I hear the water's great.


Spence got himself a new car, yet still has the same facial hair.

"We're married, we're not like tequila-crazy-people." --Mrs. Spencer Pratt

Heidi goes on and on about all the people that can come to the party. Why can they all come? I don't understand what happened that all of those people can come but they couldn't before?

"Justin Bobby's gonna get swooooooped." --Spence


We fly over to Brody's condo where Jay-de, the nasty, is struttin' around in nothing with green strips. They are fighting over K-Cav. Of course. The relationship between K-Cav and Brodster has meant nothing to this show until now.

Oh, The Hills, I loathe you.


We spot her.
I think she's driving Lauren's old car from the first season, you know, the one with the giant-ass pink suitcase in the back.

Cue the pool party.
The party the Pratts are hosting for themselves. I can dig that.

"My job is to make sure he's happy." --Mrs. Spencer Pratt
Gag me with a beef stick made of cheese.

K-Cav, walks in and claims randomness. She hugs Brodster. Hell doesn't break loose.

"As a friend you don't go there." --Audrina to StephiePratt, on JustinBobby
Dear Audrina, see above. You aren't actually friends. This is television.

StephiePratt and K-Cav get into almost instantly. Audrina interjects and suddenly, The Hills has seen more cuss words in 22 seconds than its seen in 4 previous seasons. Family friendly no more.

"It's gonna be like this? It's gonna be like this. It's gonna be like this. IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS. Cause, if it's gonna be like this, it's f^&^**^ on, dude." --K-Cav
K-Cav, you already answered your own question: it's gonna be like this. But, my question: what is going to be like this? And what is this like?


Auds and StephiePratt are breaking down the psycho bitch at a coffee shop. But, no coffee is seen. StephiePratt, of course, changes the subject and invites Auds to a party. Will K-Cav show? Well, I don't know...does a bear shit in the woods?

"How does one person turn all of our lives upside down?" --StephiePratt
"She can't if you don't give her the power to do it." --Auds
Boom. Roasted. Too bad you gave some producers the power to do it. K-Cav OWNS you. And your soul.


Spence and Mrs. Spencer Pratt are looking for a house. Spencer looks like a complete and total lunatic. Can you even buy cowboy hats in LA? Apparently not, it looks a piece of shit was dropped on SpencerBoy's head.


Ole! Fiesta time! Happy Birthday, Frank. How old is too old to be wasting away your life on MTV? Think about that as you blow out the candles on your next birthday cake.

So, JustinBobby and K-Cav are having a fun and flirty little convo and who else is participating? None other than Stacy, the slutty bartender! What. in. the. world?

They go across the street to watch the Lakers game and JustinBobby looks like a 9th grader in a class full of seniors while staring at K-Cav. Could this be any more forced?


The Pratts are house hunting again and Spence cleaned his head and his face. Spence put down a deposit on the house.

"It's my way or the lame way." --Spence


Uh-oh, the gUrlies are having a w(h)ine night!

"Her own ego is going to destroy herself." --Auds
Wait, what? Yes, ok.

Auds got the news from StephiePratt that K-Cav and JustinBobby "probably" went home together. Auds' face looked like a small child on Christmas who just learned that Santa isn't real and fake Santa killed their puppy.

K-Cav throws out relationship advice to JustinBobby and exclaims that Auds is in love with JustinBobby. And the flirty fun continues. My life, however...not continuing. In a roundabout way K-Cav invited JustinBobby into her bed, which leads me to believe that next week shit is going to go down. I can't guarantee I'll watch.


Haley said...

Oh my gosh, LC! You kill me! It was so good to see you this weekend.

Laura said...

"Her own ego is going to destroy herself."

Very Ayn Rand of Audrina. Minus the grammar.

Morgan said...

Just so you know. I'd appreciate it if you could keep up the summaries because I will not be watching the Hills but will rely on you and Kidd Kraddick in the Morning to keep me updated on what is happening in the lives of the former Laguna Beach residents.

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