Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the hills: crazy like an elephant.

We start off this rager of an episode with King of the Bromance, Brody, and K-Cav taking a stroll on the beach. They're discussing their priorities. At the top of the list-- a birthday party at the Pratties for lil' baby Enzo, who is turning six. K-Cav says she might not go, "I don't really like being around Spencer anymore." Anymore? Try ever. Brody sulks over AuddiePat and Ryan Cabrera's relationship, so naturally he and K-Cav decide to cuddle on the beach.


We make our way over to the Pratties, where Heidi 10.0, is planning a birthday party. SpencerBoy, whose acting is getting worse and worse, shows up and acts completely shocked at the sight of someone other than just 10.0 being at his house. He all but throws up because his crazy-ass-wife (CAW) has hired a party planner for some random neighbor boy's birthday party. Can't fault him too much there. I would feel weird about hosting some paid actor's sixth birthday party at my home, too.


The boyz meet up a garage, where Brody invites a new car to go bowling with him. Really, it's an old car. But, whatever. Do these guys really sit around and talk about gUrls like this all the time? I mean...they sound like junior high gUrls. I'm just guessing, but I have strong assumptions that these guys are actually nothing like junior high gUrls. We just never see that side to them. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt, but only because they wear a lot of black, which is a total boy thing to do. Unless you're a depressed junior high gUrl.


The gang decides to blow some steam off at the bowling alley this week. Of course, where else do young Hollywood attention whores go to blow off steam? Bromance Brody is quite the bowler and K-Cav is quite the celebrator. Brody totally feels up K-Cav in front of everyone and she lets him. StacietheBartender, who still shouldn't be around these people, and Frankie have a sit-down with K-Cav and say stupid shit about Brody liking her. The whole scene is almost exactly like what all my junior high bowling experiences were like. Minus the getting felt-up and the celebrating. I usually bowled around a 56 every time I bowled, so there was little to celebrate.

AuddiePat and Joe Simpson's 3rd greatest musical prodigy walk in. In an effort to build himself up, Brody and his boy, CharlieBra, immediately begin making fun of Ryan. Behind his back. Of course. Why would you be nice to someone who so-clearly has no career or future or style and just needs a friend?

"There's no couple between me and Kristen." --Brody
"Ya flirtin' though." --Frankie
If that is what it takes to be in a couple, I know a lot of couples. A lot. Are we seeing the junior parallels again already?

Joe Simpson Junior (JSJ) and AuddiePat are having a sit down and JSJ is desperately trying to figure out the dynamics of the group. Here's a clue: this isn't an actual group. It's a bunch of skeezy young people in Hollywood who get together every few weeks and flim scenes for a television show.

Brody, being the ultimate hater, desperately tries to make AuddiePat jealous and displays an ultimate amount of affection for K-Cav by putting his arm around her in front of AuddiePat! The audacity.

Where this whole bowling fiasco was extremely weird and awkward, the most weird and awkward thing was that K-Cav was drinking wine. Who the hell drinks wine while bowling? I can't imagine walking into a bowling alley and saying, "Let me see your list of cabs."


During the middle of the day, AuddiePat and K-Cav decide to blow off some more steam and go buy shoes. I guess AuddiePat still isn't back in "work mode" after Miami.

Rant: Dear Hills Producers, this is so staged. Do you really think we think AuddiePat and K-Cav are friends? I mean, come on. Like, just one day they decided to put their differences aside and be friends? No way.

AuddiePat asks K-Cav about Enzo's birthday. K-Cav plays hard to get with everyone. She can't commit to anyone who asks her if she's going somewhere. Newsflash, K-Cav: your contract requires you to be at all this stupid shit, so just say you're going. **Apparently, I was wrong. She wasn't required to go to the party. Who knew?

"I'm not going. Spencer's crazy." --AuddiePat
"CRAZY." --K-Cav


Finally, we make it over to the Pratties for the birthday party of the year. Obviously, this six-year-old child needs to be surrounded by Perez Hilton's favorite gang of idiots, so the gang all shows. SpencerBoy is really into the party.

"This is the most fun I've had at a party in a long time. Truly....because this is the first time I've been at a party where there aren't people that I want to murrrrrrrrr-rrr-ddddeeeeeer." --SpencerBoy
Well, that's nice that he doesn't want to murder all the cute little six-year-olds. But, oh wait, the small children that actually are at the party are walking around pretending to murder people.

"Where's your sister?" --Brody
"I have a sister? That was my old life." --SpencerBoy
Your old life, Spence? Just last week you yelled and screamed that this non-existent sister of yours is, in fact, your sister and isn't relevant to your life. In or out, buddy. In or out.

When SpencerBoy notices the little boy pretending to murder all of his innocent little friends at the birthday party he tells the whole gang of people, who in no way should be attending a six-year-old's birthday party, that he's going to send the boy to murder Heidi's mother. Brody, being the inquisitive and caring chap that he is, inquires why and SpencerBoy declares something completely and totally creepy about being raped emotionally.

The conversation continues and the whole gang chimes in to defend Darlene, Heidi's mother, who is NOT God. SpencerBoy isn't having it and starts a rant about God making Heidi. Then, he says he's going to carry Holly off the property if she keeps defending Darlene, who isn't God.

"I need a fu#$@&* drink now." --Holly

I'm willing to bet that type of conversation rarely happens at a birthday party for a small child. Not the drink part, everything else. I bet a lot of people need a drink after a six-year-old's birthday party. Especially that one.

But, my real question is this: where the hell are Enzo's parents? Paid actor or not this child does not need to be around these people. At this point, it'd be better for Enzo to be living on the streets and binge drinking than to be riding an elephant in the Pratt's backyard.


"I want this to be the best relationship ever." --JSJ
"So, are we exclusive?" --AuddiePat
"You mean, you thought we weren't?"
"No, I knew we were."
Was that real? Well, even if it wasn't and JSJ is only on this show to re-start his career, at least JustinBobby isn't around and AuddiePat is "so happy." Props to her for dropping the commando-boots-at-the-beach-wearing idiot.


K-Cav must be in some type of alcohol program because she's drinking wine again. She meets up with Brody, who owns actual clothes and they discuss Enzo's birthday party.

"It was awkward, because I don't know Enzo that well." --Brody
Is that really why it was awkward? Or was it because SpencerBoy is crazy and was threatening to kill everyone while a kid rode an elephant in the background? Toss-up.


About the time we make our way to the Pratties my head is close to exploding. Really close. Which is funny because we were just seconds away from seeing SpencerBoy's head explode, too!

The sisters are discussing elephant shit (literally) when SpencerBoy walks in and declares the vibe in the house is a little tense.

When Holly tells SpencerBoy she felt disrespected for the way SpencerBoy was talking about Darlene, who is not God, SpencerBoy's head literally did that thing that cartoon character's heads do when they get really big and red and steam comes out. No joke.

"For me, that was the best, I was proud of myself, for not doing what I wanted to do to you, because what I wanted to do to you and say to you dear, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I didn't because I was praying. Praying like I do everyday to not say the things that I want to say to you, to your mom..." --SpencerBoy

Finally, SpencerBoy's CAW interrupts him and asks him to calm the hell down. SpencerBoy offers an incredibly heartfelt apology to Holly and then begins another rant about being emotional and saying what he feels. It was all a little much to take in. I'm going to get on anti-depressants soon because of it.

"I didn't say anything negative about your mom." --SpencerBoy
Dude, didn't you say you wanted to send a kid with a gun to Colorado to kill her?

At this point it gets real.

Holly starts quoting scripture (using that phrase loosely) and SpencerBoy tells her, "this isn't Bible study, it's Earth." What? That doesn't even make sense. I've been to Bible study. They all have taken place on Earth. Every single one of them.

"You're not her sister, you're not her friend, you're a liar! You're the biggest poser in this town, you know it and you're GOING TO BURN FOR IT! Go back to your real estate job, you freakin' liar!" --SpencerBoy
"I'm sorry that was really out of line." --Heidi
Wait. What? Is she a poser because she has a real estate job? Now, suddenly, people with actual jobs are posers? There is no rationale to that statement. Oh, what am I saying? He's the most irrational person to ever be born.

"All I do is love you and if he doesn't like me we'll never be ok." --Holly
"That's not true, it doesn't matter if he likes you or not, you can call me!" --Heidi
"I don't even have your number! He's always with you. He scares me!"
"He doesn't scare you."
"He scares me."
What an emotional scene between sisters. Does Holly really not have Heidi's phone number? For serious? If that's true then how did Holly arrange to come over to the PrattPad? And how does that happen? Do they just follow each other on Twitter? Even if that's the case that wouldn't get Holly very far because Heidi's tweets are usually about working out and eating pizza or her "album," which I bet sucks worse than anything else in the world sucks.

Finally, Holly leaves and Spencer screams at her as she walks away. He tells her to walk back to Colorado because nobody wants her in Hollywood. That may be true, but does that really mean she needs to walk back to Colorado?


I need a Xanax.

1 comment:

Haley said...

So, do you type this as you watch the episode or do have to relive it later?

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