Tuesday, May 12, 2009

the hills: keep your enemies closer.

I was seriously looking forward to the next 30 minutes when LC's voiceover said, "and everyone went crazy when Audrina spent the night with Brody." First off, did everyone go crazy or just Jayde and her MySpace croanies? And second, we've established that those two were not having a friendly sleepover and taking turns braiding each other's hair. Let's call it what it was: doing the dirrty. 

Also, "now, Audrina wanted to move on and focus on work." I'd say that's a good idea for someone who is a part-time secretary at a record company. 


Boy George's twin, Audrina, is back. She tells her ladies that she's been ignoring JB. 

"As long as I don't see his face, I'll be fine." --Audrina, on if she's ok with ignoring JB


Lauren, who seems to have raided Bob Marley's closet, and StephiePratt sit down for a nice meal (we'll say meal, but we'll actually mean that they just sat down) and discussed work. 

"A good ballet flat can be professional." --LC, on being professional

I agree that a good ballet flat can be professional, but shoes don't make the (wo)man. 

StephiePratt wants to stop thinking about work and go on a man hunt, LC is not happy with this statement and StephiePratt ignores her. Something in my gut tells me this is foreshadowing!


Heidi and her "co-worker" are finishing up a meal, again this only means they are sitting, and are discussing an upcoming work event.  The co-worker seems to be slightly worried about this event. Heidi, on the otherhand, is less than worried. She is straight up stressed.

"I gotta get my nails done, they're chipping. I gotta get a new outfit. Man. So nice to be out of the office though." --Heidi, on being stressed at work

Are you kidding me? That's Heidi being stressed about work? Granted, I don't have a super stressful job, but even on my least stressful day those topics never come into play when discussing work. Never. 

Heidi reveals that Bartender had texted her and wants to meet up. Co-worker asks like she doesn't really know who she is, but clearly she does.

"You know what I mean? Step off it already." --Co-worker
"She's the devil." --Heidi

Co-worker tells Heidi to go down there and talk to her, to "end it." She follows that up by saying, "where I come from, we don't deal with that." Deal with what? Bartenders or shit-tastic boyfriends?

I desperately wanted to be able to chime in and say, "well, where I come from people like Spencer don't actually exist," but even with DVR I'm unable to get into the conversation. Maybe I'll write a strongly-worded letter. 


We meet up with Ziggy Marley and StephiePratt at work. LC is explaining to her what a photo shoot is, which she seems to understand, but I have my doubts if she really gets it. I mean, this is the girl who can't print labels. Do we really think she knows what a photo shoot is?

LC is asking StephiePratt to do some leg work on this photo shoot, when suddenly 1997 calls StephiePratt's cell phone. Literally, 1997 called-- Blackstreet's "No Diggity" to be exact. So, StephiePratt starts chatting it up with middle school in the middle of LC telling what to do. LC decides to just get up and leave even though StephiePratt never even acknowledged a word LC said to her. This won't end well. I just know it!


We meet up with Audrina at work, but it looks like she's just a groupie. It might actually be work because somebody walked in and handed her a big box. I don't think groupies carry boxes, but they do stand at the front of the stage and smile. I'm torn on this one.

Justin Bobby calls and Audrina answers. JB cons Audrina into seeing him the next day. 


Lo is at a photo shoot getting some factoids when LC walks in carrying a hell of a lot of stuff. 

"Welcome to my job, can I help you?" --Lo

Lo asks LC where the "mahrahaahamrah" stuff is and doom shoots over LC's face. StephiePratt didn't do what she was told. StephiePratt is taking her lunch break with Robert and is an idiot.  LC hangs up mid-conversation and says she'll figure it out on her own. Good idea.


Heidi quit her day job and is working the streets of LA, oh, just kidding-- it's just an outfit, not a lifestyle. 

"I don't understand why you are putting this all on me? It's like, I would never deal with a guy I had to go run after." --Bartender
"I would appreciate if you would respect me." --Heidi
"I respect you, but I'm not your friend." --Bartender
"No, but you should stop texting my boyfriend."
"Well, you should trust him."
"No, but you should also... there's like a million guys. Do you text this customer?  And this customer? Maybe you're into guys who have girlfriends, I don't know. I don't know you."
"That's right, you don't know. So, don't judge me."
"Don't judge me."
"I don't judge you."
"You do judge me, you've been calling me crazy."
"Because you are crazy!"
"Well, I think you're a homewrecker, I think that you're rude. I think you're a slut."
"You're crazy, I feel bad for you. Your boyfriend is _____. And good luck."
"Ok, well stay away from my boyfriend."

I'm not even sure I have the words to adequately express how I'm feeling after watching/listening to that. I mean, what just happened? Did that just happen? I have a few things to say: can you wreck a home that isn't actually a home, it's just two people shacking up, living in sin? As always, if you say you aren't judging someone, you clearly are.  I don't know if Bartender is correct when she keeps telling Heidi she is crazy. Crazy isn't the word. I'm not sure what is, but it's not crazy. Maybe, moronic? I love how Bartender always tells Heidi, "good luck." 


Audrina and JB meet up. JB is twitching a little and his eyes are not open. She wastes no time in telling JB to move on.

"Don't get into it with me right now." --JB
"I'm telling you this, that's it. I came to say goodbye face-to-face. Don't call me, don't text me anymore. It's over." --Audrina

Hurricane Audrina blew out quicker than she blew in. But, JB wasn't happy with her soliloquy and followed her out of the restaurant like a creepy stalker.  He backs her up against a wall.

"Oh yeah, you want me to snap at you?" --Audrina, while snapping
"You want me to get pissed? What about you spending the night in Brody's room?" --JB

Again and again, nobody was sleeping in that room. If all that was going on was sleeping, why is everyone in such a tizzy? Good try, MTV, but I know two people who are not following Bristol Palin's abstinence train. 

This conversation is worse than Heidi and Bartender's. Then, they walk off and graciously, the producers cut to JB's incredible boot-shoe-pants combo. 


Audrina and Pocahontas, I mean, StephiePratt meet up for some water and Audrina gives her the low-down on her fight with JB.

StephiePratt just sat across from her and said, "good. Good."

Then, they started talking about work and it was no bueno for StephiePratt. She finally confessed, publicly that she's an idiot.


Finally, we see Spencer, in mid-tweet. And Heidi tells him that she, "took care of Bartender."

"Apparently, you hadn't taken care of it." --Heidi
"Taken care of it? What, I'm going to kill the girl?" --Spencer

"You think I want to go down to Satan's dungeon?!" --Heidi

During this whole conversation Spencer looks incredibly annoyed. Who can blame him? Maybe Heidi is crazy. I mean, I don't even understand why this is still going on. And if Heidi is so concerned about the Bartender being the devil, maybe she should draw her the bridge diagram. 

"I dare you to find another Stacy." --Heidi, as Spencer rolls his eyes as far back in his head as they'll go


Back to People's Revolution where LC is visibly pissed off at StephiePratt. Kelly walks in and asks LC to come into her office. StephiePratt says, "do you want me to come?" and Kelly boldy states, "No, I don't," right back at her. It was television magic.

"I haven't had a lunch break in 5 years.  That's bullshit." --Kelly

Kelly tells LC to fire StephiePratt by the end of the week. 

"Maybe she hasn't heard yet." --StephiePratt

Maybe she hasn't heard that you're an idiot? Doubtful, StephiePratt, I think everyone knows.


Next on The Hills: Colt 45s, engagements, firings and Brody offers advice. Sounds intriguing. 


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