Tuesday, June 12, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 5

We pick up this week in London! Emily is really into European history. She's really excited to share this experience with Ricki. Meaning, she lets Ricki leave the hotel room once and they take some pictures.

"Wow, look at that flag!" -- Emily
"Oh, wow." -- Ricki

"We don't have anything like this in Charlotte." -- Emily


Chris meets up with the boyZ and once again, explains the rules. Don't get me started on this. Can't they google it at this point?


Sean gets the date card! Love takes no prisoners!
Cool aqua plaid snap-down shirt, Sean.

Sean and Emily are spending the day together and touring the city on a double decker bus. A London tradition!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean takes it pretty next level and stands up on the bus and screams, "Hello, London!" Emily seemed to really like that he did that. She even says, "That was cool." I didn't really like it.

"I feel like I should know what that is." -- Sean, looking at Big Ben

Sean and Emily spend some time getting some photos for the scrapbook. It felt good and natural. And Sean is safely saying he's falling for Emily.

We skip back to some boyZ at the hotel and Kalon is airing his frustrations. He begins by saying he'll be on group dates the rest of his life with Ricki always tagging along. To be fair, that's not true. Ricki hasn't been on a single date yet. Am I right?!

Sean went on one date 4 or 5 months ago and that gUrl didn't have the qualities he was looking for, so it was just one date. This lead to a super dumb conversation about good guys walking by or something. At this point Sean stood up on a box and said something about his grandparents being married and he wants to maybe love someone someday and he's hopeful. He's really hopeful.

It's really ironic because this is the least hopeful I've ever been in human beings.

The second part of the date is a really quiet dinner at the Tower of London. Emily is waiting on Sean to drop bombs, but he doesn't have any bombs, he's just a simple guy with perfect parents. I don't know how those two stayed awake to talk to each other. They must've been watching paint dry or something.


The other boyZ get the group date card and it's 1/8 of a line from Romeo and Juliet. They are confused. Finally, someone pipes up and says, "I think it's Shakespeare." Listen, I get it. I'm smarter than some people, but in reality, I'm not that smart.  SO, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? They had no clue what that line was from?!

Kalon is NOT happy about going on the group date.
I'm just not happy in general.

"I don't see tomorrow smelling decent at all, I see it smelling like shit." -- Kalon
I think it just depends which way the wind is blowing, son. 


Back to the Tower of London! Sean and Emily are gearing up for Fourth Meal at Taco Bell or something. How do they not ever show these people yawning? Or eating? Have they eaten all day?

"As you know, I have a six-year-old daughter." -- Emily

She then says she doesn't want to rush into anything, but she wants more kids and she wants them immediately. Sean says he can't wait for "that to be my own kid." However, he hasn't thought a lot about it? At one point he says he'd like to have 10 kids. He says that while looking like he shit in his pants. Anybody who says they haven't thought about how many kids they want and then says they want 10 kids clearly, really, has not thought about it.

"This is like the best view ever." -- Sean
So, it's like the best view?
Or it's like, the best view?

"This night could go on forever." --Sean


The group date is taking place at Shakespeare's birthplace!


The boyZ are going to be, "performin' some Shakespeare today."

Travis has on a shawl sweater that he bought in the junior's department at K-Mart in Jackson, Mississippi. Why is that sweater so small?

Doug does NOT want to act today. Actually, it's the last thing he wants to do today.

Emily is using this experience to see who is silly enough to be a dad. Again, my dad would be terrible at this, but he's a great dad. THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY OF PICKING A FATHER FOR YOUR CHILD. It's just not.

Ari and Doug are playing Juliet's nurses and they are just trying to be positive.
That's my exact attitude every time I turn this show on. I'm just trying to be positive. Clearly, it doesn't work.

POULTICE: something you put on your body to relieve pain.

I'm quite certain that most of these boyZ on this group date have never read Romeo and Juliet before. I don't even think they've seen the Claire Danes and Leo version of it. You know, the updated one. The weird one with guns.

The dudes find out that there's going to be a live audience watching them perform today. Can you imagine making the trek to Shakespeare's birthplace, because you know, that's something you do when in England and you hear that people are going to be performing and you sit down and... then, you have to spend an hour watching these assholes act like assholes? What if they had to pay to watch?

(Quote from Romeo and Juliet, not shown tonight.)

I am biting my thumb at all of these people.

Quick summation: They are all terrible. Kalon takes it really seriously. Ryan kisses Emily several times and Emily kisses him back in front of everyone several times. Talk about awkward.

AFTER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They toast to Shakespeare and Shakespeare was all like, "STOP MENTIONING MY NAME."

Where do you think Ryan got that vest from? Honestly, it's the smallest vest I've ever seen on a man. I just need all men to quit wearing vests.

Ryan gives Emily a necklace and Emily loves it. I thought it was weird the way he just pulled it out of his pocket. How did it not get all wadded up? Whatever. He has the right idea, I guess. I mean, I usually get gifts after going out on one date with a man.

Kalon's making an ass out of himself. Again.
Then, he sits around and pouts. He's the saddest J. Crew catalog cutout I've ever seen.

Doug decides to confront Kalon because his kid isn't baggage, so Ricki isn't baggage either. Doug is so serious about this confrontation that he takes his coat off. It was like he was coaching a basketball game and shit was about to get real. No more easy buckets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doug puts his jacket back on to tell Emily about her baggage.


Emily is ready to rip limbs off. She wants to go West Virginia hoodrat, backwoods on him. Personally, I don't think she can technically go "hoodrat" because I don't think there are any hoodrats or even cities in West Virginia. She's been watching YouTube too much.

Doug gathers the gang up for this confrontation and he's loving it a little too much. He just needed a power point presentation to bring this all together.

Emily kicks Kalon out. Kalon barely defends himself. Actually, he's totally into baggage. His mom was a single mom. Baggage is responsibility. He just wants a kid of his own!

LISTEN. I've figured it out. Kalon feels like baggage and has his whole life. Soooooooooooooooooooo. He's obviously got some baggage, too. See ya in therapy, K-dawg!

"I think I'm a stand-up guy." --Kalon
In my experience if you have to tell someone that you're a stand-up guy, you're either not a stand-up guy or you're paralyzed.

Emily is bummed out. No one told her about what Kalon said. No one gets the rose. She's going home to cuddle bug with Ricki.


It's time for Emily's date with Jef (not a typo, just one 'F'). But, first she's spending some time with Ricki and letting her believe that dragons live in Buckingham Palace. She also thinks a king lives there. OY VEY.

Jef (short for Jeff) and Emily are hitting up the English version of cotillion and etiquette lessons with Jean. It was bad. Jean was super into it and super annoying. They decide to skip out on tea and get some fish and chips. WHICH THEY DIDN'T EAT. They just ordered to make it seem like they are all down to Earth and shit.

Oh, you got fish and chips?! You're so normal and fun!

We're still talking about baggage.
Jef knows about expensive handbags and that scares me.

They head to the London Eye and Jef seems really sweet and all of that, but he's also super intense and well, he's on this show. I'm convinced no one on this show is a normal human being.

They don't eat their English trifles.
But, they do want to be BFFs.


ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily is still on this baggage kick. Gah, I really hope baby gUrl flies Southwest.

Ryan has on a scarf.

Travis has on a vest. Like, seriously, men. Come on. Let's get rid of the vests.

"If somebody said something bad about your gUrl, what would you do?" -- Emily
Really? Seriously?

This starts a series of conversations and questions that all end with Emily saying, "I just want someone to have my back."

Is she looking for a husband or someone to join her in a street fight?

Ari gets it the worst. She did not feel like Ari had her back.

It's becoming obvious that Emily does have some baggage. She's way too into people having her back. Something must've happened in middle school and someone didn't have her back and she has NOT forgiven that person.

I'm not 100% sure I even know what it means to "have someone's back." Do I have to punch someone if I have their back? Or do I just have to tell them what some asshole said about their kid? I think that the boyZ did tell her about what some asshole said about her kid. Right? Isn't that what Doug did? Remember the whole scene where he sat everyone down together and put Kalon on blast and then Emily dropped the F-bomb? I AM SO CONFUSED.

Is there anything left to say about Ryan?

Emily missed Sean.
She gets butterflies in her heart with him.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily is playing games with Ari!!!!!!!
That's some bullshit, Emily.

She sends Alejandro home. Alejandro is like, way upset. Probably on the level that his mom was upset when he rolled in with that earring for the first time.

He starts crying. And I'm all, if this was real life, y'all wouldn't even be Facebook friends!!!!!!!! They never went on a date!!!!!!!

Emily announces that they are headed to an even older place than London (according to her): Croatia!
The boyZ have NO idea that Croatia is a country or a place or real. Like, watch the Olympics or something!!!!!!!!!


See ya in Croatia, idiots!


Morgan said...

Probably on the level that his mom was upset when he rolled in with that earring for the first time.


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