Tuesday, March 13, 2012

the bachelor:: ben: final rose.

The episode begins and a for a brief moment, I feel joy.
Joy because I know this whole charade is almost over.

"I came into this hoping I would find love and I found it! And it feels GREAT!" --Ben
He really sounded like a Frosted Flakes with that last one. 

"That big ole beautiful Matterhorn gives me hope." --Ben
Really, Ben? Really? The Matterhorn doesn't give me shit. Selfish, SOB. What's Matterhorn ever done for me besides be a glacier?

Ben's mother and sister roll into the Swiss Alps and Ben cries. At least we know that Ben comes by his hair honestly. His sister's isn't super great either. It does seem a little shinier though. This is not about her hair, but it could be about the fact that from the nose up SHE LOOKS IDENTICAL TO MY BROSEF. I even called him to tell him to turn it on and he said, "Oh, that's awkward."

Ben tells his fam about Lindzi and, of course he leads with the horse facts. If my brosef sat down to tell me about the gUrl he wanted to marry and led with, "Loves horses," I would've had a hard time. Thankfully, he didn't and my S-I-L doesn't. THEN, he told his fam about The Model and her behavioral problems with the other "ladies." He's making these women look super shitty.

Lindzi meets mom and sister and nothing really happened. Minus sister spilling the beans about being more vulnerable. Then, sister wanted to know about The Model. Horse gUrl called herself a "people person" and then said The Model wasn't. She really said it in the nicest way possible. Good for her.

"I feel very relaxed right now. And that's important to me." --Sister
Well, yeah. Your relaxation is of the utmost importance. 

Mom and sister tell Ben they like Horse gUrl, "a lot."

The Model rolls in and everyone has preconceived notions about this meeting. Most of my apprehension comes from Ben's sweater.

The Model brought a present. But, just one. So, Mom and sister have to share.
They did not open it on camera.

The Model starts in on being a model and an actress (actress?) and what it's like with other women. Oh, the torture! Can you imagine being pretty enough to have people pay you for your photograph?

Sister pulls The Model outside and tells her about the red flags. It was pretty stupid.

The word "judge" was said 149 different times.

Ben's mom asked The Model about Ben. The Model said, "He's so special." Clearly, someone read that book, "You are Special."

"Well, there's another gUrl." --The Model
"Yeah, I think that's affecting what's happening now." --Ben's Mom
These people are so perceptive. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. 

The sister gives The Model her stamp of approval and says, "You can't judge a book by its cover."

Ben asked for advice and his family gave him none of that.
If anything, they should have told him to ditch that damn sweater and cut his hair.

Finally, they tell Ben to "go for it," and "we'll love you no matter what."
That's such BS. You don't just tell someone, "GO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. WE'RE YOUR FAMILY, WE'LL BE HERE NO MATTER WHAT." No. You say, "Listen, we're going to love and support you, but don't be an F-tard, son." You know?

The summer in between 3rd and 4th grade my mother told the Brosef and me that we could re-paint our bedrooms. It was fun and exciting. At times, with the window and door wide open, I would sit in the room and wait for the paint to dry because it was that exciting for me.

I tell you that story because I have actually watched paint dry.
I can accurately compare the next 40 minutes or so to watching paint dry.

This guy is so boring.
His surprise for Horse gUrl is skiing in the Swiss Alps.
If you "took" me to Switzerland and we DIDN'T go skiing I'd be surprised.

Horse gUrl tells Ben it's hard to put yourself out there and she uses her sense of humor as a crutch for something. Not sure about that because I've never really thought of her as someone who is funny.

"I want to be 200% vulnerable." --Horse gUrl
That's not possible. 

Finally, she says she's in love.
Ben says, "That's good."

Then, he does that stupid head nod and closed teeth smile.

At this point, there's another hour left in the show and a small part of me is wondering how I'm going to make it until the end. It's also at this moment that, Lord willing, I'm going to have to tell my children someday, "Mommy had a blog and wasted a lot of time watching terrible television." I'm already a shitty mother.

That helicopter is for them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe they are taking a helicopter up into the mountains????????????

Ben says this helicopter ride is one of the coolest things he's ever done in his life.
You know what isn't cool?

Ben and The Model have a little picnic out in the snow and Ben asks her for the 19th time in 8 minutes, "How are you?"

"It is a little bittersweet." --Ben
I'd just go with, "bitter."

"It hasn't been easy for me." --The Model
SAME HERE, SISTER. How do you think I feel?


I am the same age as The Model.

The Model got a production assistant to help make her a scrapbook.
She even wrapped it.

Ben is wearing suspenders.
They are not suspending anything.
Therefore, he should not be wearing suspenders.

The Model went to Hallmark and picked out a card.
She called it, "A Love Letter From My Heart to Yours."
She read it aloud and then giggled intermittently.

If she was really vulnerable with him she'd tell him that that vest just isn't working.

Of course, it wasn't all sunshine.
They did have to discuss the other "ladies."
There were bells going off in the background. They were very distracting, but I was eventually brought back in. That's just what Ben's hair and no-teeth-smile-head-nod do to me.

"I've come too far to stop thinking about everything now." --Ben
WAIT. You have been thinking throughout this whole JOURNEY?

The Model is worried that Ben may have doubts.
Her tears were a glimmer of hope that maybe he won't pick her.
Then, they showed a shot of him walking away and those suspenders were hanging around his butt just right and I remembered he is an idiot. All hope is gone.

The day of the proposal is finally here.
All three spend a lot of time looking out of windows and over balconies.

Neil Lane, the jeweler, shows up.
The gUrls put on capes.
Ben puts on a suit and then hikes up a mountain?
Seriously. He just hiked up a mountain in a suit.

The first "lady" out of the chopper is Horse gUrl. We all know what this means.

Is Horse gUrl wearing a two-piece dress? I went to prom in 2002. Two-piece dresses were all the rage. I know a thing or two about them. She's wearing a two-piece dress. So, not only is she about to get dumped on national television for the world's worst woman, but she's about to get dumped on national television for the world's worst woman while wearing a two-piece dress.

Also, feathers?

Ben tells Horse gUrl, "you're all about first impressions."
Is that even a compliment? I wouldn't take it as one. That sounds terrible.

He says he's in love with another woman. It's the end of the line for Horse gUrl. And she just got the best gift she's ever received.

"If things don't work out, call me?" --Horse gUrl
Come on, gUrl. 

The Model flies in (literally) and gets escorted down to Ben by ole Chrissy Poo.

What we're about to witness here is the world's saddest (see: worst) proposal.

The Model's voiceover is all about her patterns with men and trust and lots of other bullshit.

"You kind of took my breath away." --Ben
It's just the altitude. 

Finally, even after the tricky "but," Benji Boy proposes to The Model.

"You are my forever. You're my forever. I've waited a really long time, a really, really long time to tell you that I'm in love with you." --Ben

"So, with all of that said, Courtney, will you marry me?" --Ben
He didn't even say her full name. 

Honestly though, it's like he presented something to her and said, "In summation, can we get married?" It would've been sexier to say, "For tax purposes this makes a lot of sense." At least I'd know he's done some homework!

"I will love you forever."
"I will love you forever."

If this was a movie I'd walk out. Whether that was scripted or real talk, it was terrible.

Have you ever seen two people less enthusiastic about an engagement? They just repeat what the other one is saying. On repeat.

And then when Ben's describing the "journey," he's all, "Yeah, we had some bumps. This one over here is a real bitch and I had my doubts, but screw 'em all! This is a fairy tale and I don't believe in fairy tales, but now I do, because I'm terrible looking and I'm marrying a model!"


And so another season ends in love and happiness and a proposal.
Do proposals even mean anything anymore?

1 comment:

The Bells said...

1. gUrl just rode into the Live!with Kelly set on a horse.

2. Courtney looked like Cruella Deville in that black dress and white cape.

3. I will miss your weekly recaps.

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