Tuesday, March 8, 2011

the bachelor: WTA.

This "Women Tell All" epi should be called "The Women Vaguely Describe Their Experiences." What a crock.

Chris came out and told us that fans are/were "angry" about Bach Brad being selected for a second season of this bullshit. I mean, I can see that, but who really wrote in to this show to express their emotion? I don't believe it.

Chrissy Poo sat down with the Bach and we got our 400th recap of the season. I basically learned ZERO from Bach's interview.

We were then treated to a really special clip of 70 or so rejects from former seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette casts making incredibly poor decisions. It was a real treat to see Vienna though! It was like seeing a gUrl from high school at church over Christmas vacay: you're totally pumped to talk about her after you walk away, but you're also terrified with face-to-face interaction. Gia said Vienna was her best friend, but then she called her a skank. Which, I can get behind because some of my closest friends are total skanks (SHOUT OUT).

Doesn't Chris want more for his life...for his career?

This is the part where I got really bored.
(Before, I was only partially bored.)

What happened to the Dentist? I swear I just saw her like, a week ago and she looked normal. Now she looks like a hairdresser from a small town in central Minnesota-- just doesn't quite work for her. And. I mean, no way you can get that tan in Philly. In the winter. Just no way.

That 32-year-old former waitress had some mega clips during the "drama" reel, as did Rachel.

Madison is weird, but I think we'd be friends.

BOOM. CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) gets ROASTED after the drama clips and we get our first real glimpse of her tank top covered in hearts...you read that correctly: tank top covered in hearts.

Marissa was really upset that CAM called the gUrls "little gUrls." She actually said it was "hurtful," which made me laugh because...really? That's what hurt your feelings? That?! Grow up.

"It's not funny. It's FU$$E& up." --Jackie
My feelings about all of this. Really.

What is this drama about being in it for the "right reasons?" I'm sorry. It's a competition. It is. 30 gUrls for one dude. If you're really looking for a husband, there are better places to look with much better odds. Why leave your kid and all that garbage with the odds of success so low? Makes very little sense to me. And I'm not even a math major.

Melissa was so eager to "find love with Brad," but she wasn't eager to dress half-way decent on this show.

CAM called Melissa a "cougar" but, I think they are about eight months apart in age. Clearly, there's a very distinct age cutoff for Cougar classification that I'm unaware of.

Rachel, the manscaper, has to interject.

"I thought about this in great depth." --Rachel

#LOL. Bahahahaha. Yeah, right.

At least 12 gUrls blamed "drama" and other "ladies" for Brad not picking them...yes, that's why you weren't picked. Idiots.

This is the worst thing I've ever written on this web log, but: is it just me or is Melissa a really roughed up version of Gwyneth Paltrow? I mean, really rough.

CAM starts bawling almost immediately, but in between her chunky jewelry and her heart tank top she revealed just how vulnerable she is and Chrissy Poo thinks she is hilarious. What is she wearing? She had to have found every single article she has on in a completely different location than the other pieces. And it must have been dark. Like, real dark.

CAM, again, says she has no idea how she got a black eye. Come on, gUrl. COME. ON. It's a black eye, not a hang nail.

CAM put a lot of pressure on herself to find herself a husband, that's why she turned into a crazy-ass-shit-show. I mean, gUrl, I feel that. Everywhere I go I'm looking for a husband, but I've never given myself a black eye, I've never worn a tank top covered in hearts...it just doesn't add up. If you really feel that much pressure and if you're really looking that hard for love: get on the damn internetS.

Stacey, the bartender (not from the Hills), got real personal when she called CAM a bad mother. I can't speak to that, but I seriously doubt she's ever won an award for mothering. But, she doesn't seem Dina Lohan-ish or anything. At least not yet.

"A spider? A SPIDER?!" --CAM
These people get upset about the weirdest shit.

"I couldn't even watch it." --Jackie
That's how I feel. I don't know how I do this week after week.

"I'm just being me. I don't know how else to be." --CAM
One of my favorite excuses of all time. I used to use it a lot.

I don't know that gUrl's name, but there's no way she could roll her eyes any farther back in her head. That was impressive.

The Babysitter sits down in the hot seat, but we didn't get to see them sing Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" again. I. AM. MAD.

I'm always so blown away by these gUrls, who all possess a brain, that legitimately think this is their one shot at love and this is a great way to find love. How did society get to this point? I didn't grow up thinking that my best option to find love was to go on television. I grew up thinking that going to church and joining a young-singles Sunday school class was the best way to find love.

The Dentist finally gets her shot. And...she has on glitter eye shadow and really bright red lipstick. gUrl, this is not your best look.

The Dentist is really upset that she blew her shot with Brad. I hope she's actually upset that she lost the competition, because I personally think that anybody who gets kicked off this show is getting an early Crimmas gift.

What was the voice when she said, "I feel like a changed woman. I really, really do." Maybe it was an inside joke. I hope so anyway.

Bach Brad comes out and...I have to give it to him. He really played up that charm, didn't he? And he has a good publicist who coached him very well: he complimented all the gUrls, he acted nervous and for a few minutes he made me feel like he wasn't a giant asshole. BUT, then I remembered this is a television show and it's all bullshit.


I fast forwarded through the orphanage part.
Judge me.

Chris says Brad isn't getting a third season... I really hope there's a legal document stating that somewhere.

I would enjoy watching this show more if they showed the clips of people laughing. Isn't humor good television, too?

Oh, good! Another recap! I wouldn't ever know what happened on this show if they didn't recap it every nine minutes. (That was me being really sarcastic and funny like CAM.)

I have no idea who Bach Brad is going to choose...I like Emily a lot. Therefore, I hope she doesn't get picked or that she runs like hell next week. She's way too good for this crap.

This was honestly one of the most boring things I've ever watched on television. Seriously. Can I sue the producers for false advertising for constantly telling me what I'm about to view is the most dramatic thing I've ever seen? You know what? Cowling Family Thanksgiving 2004 was 187 times more dramatic than this show has ever claimed to be. Hell, an episode of "Hannah Montana" could be more dramatic. I mean, that gUrl has a split personality and a father who is a complete enabler. Now, that's dramatic.

Side note: I'd like to give a SHOUT OUT to my gUrl, KATHAR, out in Malibu. She had a birthday yesterday, which was overshadowed by the Bachelor. HAPPY BURRDAY, gUrl.


Dawn Mabry said...

I LOVE reading your recap. Didn't you think it was strange that they didn't talk to Shawntel N. or she didn't say a word at all.

Chris and Lindsey Wheeler said...

That heart tank top killed me.

Beth Spicer said...

REALLY rough GP. But I can see it...

Ashley said...

agreed about hannah montana... cmon billy ray quit blaming disney for your f'ed up daughter. i'm sure mickey mouse didn't shove a blunt in her mouth. just sayin.

Amanda said...

I found your blog through Whitney posting it on her FB the other day. LOVE your bachelor posts. I've heard Ashley the Dentist is the next Bachelorette. Supposedly announcing it during Jimmy Kimmel tonight I think? Yuck. Don't know if you like to read spoilers about all this or not but realitysteve.com is pretty fun if you are getting a little bored with teh same ole stuff. He gives all the spoilers months before it even airs. He's been wrong on the final 1 a couple of times but still always manages to get it right before the final show airs. He's got some pretty awesome inside sources. Anyway, its given the Bachelor a different spin after so many seasons of the same thing.

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