Wednesday, July 14, 2010

the hills: over and done. (part 1).

The final epi EVER, of all-time, starts off with a piece of shit montage of drama. Basically it was all, "we weren't friends. We're immature. Blah, blah, blah. SCREAMING AT YOU. Blah. That guy is a crazy ass! BESTIES! Love is neat!"


It's like, StephiePratt knows what's up. She has reached her good place and she wants everyone else there, too. AuddiePat tells her she has never reached her good place and suddenly, they are talking at once about a mid-20s life crisis. Auds calls it a crisis and you can hear StephiePratt say, "Wait! Don't call it a crisis!" gUrl, you have little to nothing going for you, especially with this show coming to and end. It's definitely a crisis.

**Side-note: I like that they didn't even try to fake us out by putting them in a restaurant. I mean, if this is it, let's put the bullshit aside. Am I right? I'm right.

"It's the time in all of our lives where we make the decision about who we want to be." --Lo-Lo
Um...No. That should've already happened. It's not like regular people just get to skip through years of their lives getting hopped up on coke while it's filmed and THEN decide who they are and what they want. No, that's always happening.

K-Cav needs a change, she says. She's going to load up that BMW and let Natasha Bedingfield take her on home. And out of our lives, for what will likely not be long enough.


Now, it's on to the golf course. What do these idiots do to make their parents think they are productive people?

Are these guys really friends? Do they ever talk about anything but gUrls? I realize that, maybe, boys don't really talk about deep and meaningful things, but...I of their besties went crazy train on them and they don't even care?

The scene ends with a cliff-hanger. Well, are Bromance Brody and K-Cav still friends? I mean, why wouldn't they be?


StephiePratt and Lo-Lo are perusing the shopping scene in Hollywood. Lo-Lo wants StephiePratt to be official with Tony Hawk Wannabe (THW). Stephie reveals that THW invited her to watch him MotoCross,'s two hours away! Lo-Lo tells her to put herself out there.

The living in sin conversation comes up again and of course, StephiePratt, the real-life moron, takes no thought in anything she says and tells Lo-Lo to get on it. Then, Lo-Lo tells us she's going to break her rule.

Some rule that was. Yes, Lo-Lo, rules were made to be broken, but not the ones that prevent us from breaking leases and losing money and all of that shit.


Stacey, the Bartender turned BFF, and K-Cav are drinking wine and discussing Bromance Brody.

"Kristen, you knew this friends with benefits thing was not going to work." --STB
Wait, what was that? A valid statement out of someone's mouth?

K-Cav is just "kind of bummed" about everyone's life changing in a great way...because why would we be excited that our friends are doing well while we're mourning the loss of our no-strings attached relationship?

"It's time for me to go." --K-Cav
She said it.

"If I'm really going to move...I need to be completely uncomfortable and I need to be scared again and the only place I could really think about would be somewhere in Europe...I mean, I've never been." --K-Cav

"Do you know anyone out there?" --STB
Out there? Out there? We aren't talking about the frontier, here. And she's never been to Europe, but she's going to move there? And this is all because the King of the Bromance cut off sex.

This girl has some serious issues. She says she doesn't want to sit around and still be waiting for "that guy" in 10 years and immediately says, "Brody found his girl," then tells us she is NOT moving because of him. What a contradiction.

**Side-note: If this is going to be the introduction of the The Hills: Europe, I will seriously considering canceling my cable.


StephiePratt makes her way to the dirt track to watch THW do his thang on his bike.

"You just like, ride a dirt bike, but then you're just like Care Bear." --StephiePratt
Way to put yourself out there, StephiePratt. That's a sure-fire way to get a guy to like you.

And then, suddenly, they are having a DTR. They don't want to see other people! They like each other!


K-Cav surprises Bromance Brody at the pool with her news that she's moving to Europe for a little bit.

So, she's not doing it because of him, but she makes a special effort to surprise him at his pool. Why the hell is Bromance just swimming along in his pool all alone in the middle of the day?

"I'm not bitter...I wanted you to hear it from me and not someone else and I'm also having a little going away party." --K-Cav

"I'm not celebrating you leaving." --Bromance
Really? I am! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!


StephiePratt and Auds go and check out AuddieP's new digs on the beach. A random dude rides by on a bike and yells, "Tower 24!" Then Audrina says, "He's a lifeguard?!" And of course, StephiePratt says, "That's our new hang out!" Praise God the show is ending. I could not stand to watch these idiots hang out at a lifeguard tower all day. The only thing worse would be watching them hang out at a life guard tower in Europe.

StephiePratt reveals that she is now a girlfriend.

"Steph! You have been wanting a boyfriend for so long!" --Auds
Bah! It's not like she went and bought a new don't just go out and get a boyfriend.

Then, Auddie decides she isn't going to K-Cav's going away party because she's trying to get out of the club scene. That's admirable and all, but when one of your fake besties is moving to Europe and invites you to a going away party, you get away from the club scene a day later. And you don't make it about you. She says she isn't going because she doesn't want to see Justin Bobby. Remind me to never move to Europe and expect my friends to come tell me bye.


K-Cav's going away party looks much like all the other "parties" they have, minus that one girl randomly dancing in a floral one-piece by the pool.

Stacie the Bartender and K-Cav finally show up and everyone exudes fake emotion over a fake move to Europe. It's really cute. But, why don't they quit trying to fake me out? I mean, I know the show's ending and K-Cav isn't actually moving.

"If Brody doesn't show up it's all the more reason to show that I'm making the right decision and leaving." --K-Cav
BUT. This is NOT about Brody. Not. About. Brody.

Of course, because he's contractually obligated, Brody shows up. Lo-Lo tells K-Cav not to talk to her and StephiePratt tells her, "CLOSURE!" So, she does it.

When they show the close-up of K-Cav during her convo with Bromance Brody she looks pretty strung out. Like, really strung out. Her make-up looks days old and I bet her legs are tiny, meaning, K-Cav is definitely doing cocaine.

"A lot of people may miss you." --Brody
Notice he said, may miss you. So, that means a lot of people may not miss her.


We head over to Scott's house, which is on the beach. Which, for a non-cast member of this show means he must have an actual job to afford those digs. Or something.

Scotty and Lo-Lo have a fairly serious convo about marriage and being together forever and it's cute and seems to be real. I think it's real because he says he wants to be with her forever and wants to marry her, you know if she does, and she says, "I wouldn't have shown up and made you carry all of these boxes if I didn't." Very valid point, Lo-Lo.

"You are perfect." --Scott
What?! All these years and I had no idea Jesus Christ was on The Hills!


Is K-Cav really going to wear that to move to Europe? No way in hell. I mean, she has on ripped-up white jorts and heels.

Stacie the Bartender sends her off.

"Bye. Have a safe trip." --STB
Dude, it's not a trip. She's moving. You should've said, "Have a safe life. Skype me!"

THEN. In a twist Brody shows up and tells her, basically, that he's sorry for using her for sex and fun and that he never would've gone and started dating someone else if he knew she would just leave town. But, remember: she is not moving because of Brody. Why don't these people ever say what they mean? I totally get that it's a show, but they are humans with actual emotions and expressing them could still be good television.

K-Cav starts crying and Bromance puts her in the car as we're serenaded with an acoustic version of "Umbrella."

And just like's over...


As you can imagine that last scene really opened up a lot of doors for me. Other than needing a drink before 9 a.m. because of it, I'm also convinced that I will be needing to see a therapist, too and she'll make me talk about drinking alone in the morning and how that's not good and it's going to be a train wreck. And all because of those stupid producers.


Part 2 of the hills: over and done will be post later today.

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