the elsie.

If you are a sensible person with even a hint of a sense of humor you've probably seen "30 Rock," the greatest television show of my time. If you watch this show regularly you know that Tracy Jordan's newest goal in life is to go after EGOT, which is winning an Emmy, Golden Globe, Oscar and a Tony. That, along with the announcement of Emmy nominations this morning has led me to the creation of the Elsie.

The Elsie was created to award those people in my life who are making it better. The people who are constantly striving to entertain me, inform me and shock me. The people who make me laugh, cry and shriek in terror.

Aside: The Elsie could be something awarded on a monthly or semi-monthly basis. All Elsie awards being awarded are from the time period April 2010-July 2010. All Elsie awards were voted on by me and are completely and totally subjective.

**The inaugural Elsie awards will be given out at a later date.**

And...the nominees are...

Best Unprovoked Facebook Wall Post:

Mallory Hardin, Little Rock

Evan Cowling, Harrison, Arkansas

Lauren Saint, Dallas

Lauren Pardue, Dallas

Lauren O. Baber, Fayetteville, Arkansas

Best Response to a Facebook Wall Post:

Ashley K. Goss, Fayetteville

Brittany Mayes, Dallas

Jody Walker, Dallas

Best Use of a Facebook Status to Express Emotion:

Lauren Pardue, Dallas

Lacey P. Dodd, San Diego

Elizabeth Garton, Dallas

Best Use of a Facebook Status to Create Intrigue:

Laura Brittain, Dallas

Andrew Bruder, Dallas

Katharine Wright, Houston

Priscilla Jane-Angie, Dallas

Best Use of a Facebook Profile Picture:

Cari Cassell, Dallas

Chris Fabian, Dallas

Claire Beaumont, Little Rock

Best Use of Facebook to Promote an Animal:

Julie Robinson, Dallas

Jessica Dean, Little Rock

Mallory Hardin, Little Rock

Best Use of Facebook (Period):

MV Grandle, Dallas

Priscilla Jane-Angie, Dallas

Best @lncow Mention via Twitter:

Morgan Stallings, Dallas

Elizabeth Garton, Dallas

Laura Brittain, Dallas

Sarah Barnes, Austin

Best Use of Twitter to Promote One's Self:

Brittany Mayes, Dallas

Jessica Dean, Little Rock

Derrick Oliver, Not in Texas

Best Use of Twitter and Citing Quotes:

Morgan Stallings, Dallas

Elizabeth Garton, Dallas

Sarah Barnes, Austin

Ashley Festa, Dallas

Laura Brittain, Dallas

Best Picture Sent Via Text Message:

Morgan Stallings, Dallas

Ashley K. Goss, Fayetteville

Evan Cowling, Harrison, Arkansas

Patrick Dodd, San Diego

Chris Fabian, Dallas

Best Response to a Mass Text:

Carla Sawatski, Fayetteville

The Reg, Russellville, Arkansas

Evan Cowling, Harrison, Arkansas

Risa H. Meyer, College Station, Texas

Best Unprovoked Text Messages:

Jacqueline Peregrin, Tampa

Ryan Buchman, Little Rock

Elizabeth Garton, Dallas

Lauren Thompson, Nashville, Tennessee

the hills: so stupid.

We meet up with Lo-Lo, Holly and StephiePratt at a restaurant. These people meeting up at restaurants is all for show. I bet they haven't actually eaten in years. They just drink and get a few nutrients off of limes and lemons. Holly lets the gUrlies know that her mom is coming into town.

"A mom never gives up on her kids." --Lo-Lo

Apparently Darlene hasn't met Spencer.

Then, they dish on Bromance Brody and K-Cav.

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We head into the gay-rage with the boyZ and of course, they do nothing but talk about K-Cav.

"I ain't gon' go cry about it." --Brody

In a bout of awesomeness they "take some bikes out."

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Holly heads to the airport to pick up Darlene and within nine seconds Darlene calls her generous and thoughtful, an obvious stab to her other daughter.

"I sat down with the gUrls and decided to write her off completely." --Holly

Way to ease into that news, Hols.

Holly says she's tried everything and Darlene is convinced she'll come around. Is this some foreshadowing into the future of now? Aren't we currently living in a world where Speidi is no longer one?

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Over at the Colony, not be confused with the early band of misfit states that made up our great nation, K-Cav and the Bartender are talking about...drumroll...BRODY. I swear she says, "I haven't talked to Brody, since like, rehab..." But, turns out, she said "Costa Rica."

Bromance has some new asshole at the clubZ with him and StephiePratt likes him right away.

Bromance texts the whole time and K-Cav whines that she's ignoring him. What did I miss? WHAT DID I MISS? They aren't dating. She said she was fine with that.

And what? The creeper Tony Hawk Wannabe walks StephiePratt out to the car and he puts his hair in a ponytail as a super sad Alicia Keys song plays in the background. Brody drives off and K-Cav gets into a cab. A cab?! She's definitely become a second-class citizen in this Colony.

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The Bartender and K-Cav meet up the next morning and hold some coffee and discuss K-Cav and Brody's impending conversation of retardedness.

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StephiePratt and Tony Hawk Wannabe go out on a date and it looks like they are going to two very different places. THW is headed to the hills to go skiiing and StephiePratt is headed to either, turn a few tricks or dance on a pole. Then, she orders a PEPSI. A PEPSI. But, then he orders a Sprite. That's not even possible. You can't order a Pepsi product and a Coke product at the same place. This isn't 7-11.

Then, they talk about really stupid, boring lame shit.

"I have real good parents." --StephiePratt

Is that a real sentence?

"I did hear that you had a DUI...glad to see you ordered a coke." --THW

No, THW, she ordered a PEPSI. A PEPSI!

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Lo-Lo and Scott celebrate their one-year anniversary, but no one even knew she was dating him. It was kind of sweet, but seriously, where did he come from?

He asks her to move in together. Oh, shacking up and living in sin, PRECIOUS. She holds her ground and doesn't say yes. She doesn't say no either.

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K-Cav and Brody are at K-Cav's house drinking wine. King of the Bromance flirts and bats his eyes.

"I put myself out there the last few months." --K-Cav

Is that her way of saying, "we had sex and now it's weird?"

K-Cav wants to try and wants a boyfriend. Bromance calls her out on her games, but then she gets kind of sweet and real and says she enjoys his company. But, wait, BOMBSHELL: Bromance has another gUrlie. He was terribly sweet about it and broke the news gently and the fact that she hasn't been on the camera is a sure-fire sign that it could be a real relationship. K-Cav, in all her wonderfulness, says, "good luck with this someone else." So sincere.

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There's lil' Lo-Lo and StephiePratt doing some yoga and dishing on THW. Lo-Lo drops the bomb about shacking up with Scott and tells us about her rule concerning not moving in with guys before engagement. Yet another move that proves she's the most sensible person on this show. And then, StephiePratt proves she's an idiot again and simply says, "Yeah, but no one else is like Scott." StephiePratt should not be allowed to give advice. Ever.

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We head to "lunch" with Darlene and Hols. They call Heidi 10.0. FAIL.

"I just want to hear from her, get in touch with her." --Darlene

Oh, Darlene, don't be so desperate.

"I just worry for her." --Hols

"She feels like she can't live in two worlds, she feels like she has to choose between us and Spencer." --Darlene

That's just like the Bible says!

Then, she starts crying and Holly starts crying and it's kind of sad, but also...I'm over it.

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Depressed K-Cav drags Lo-Lo out to a restaurant and I just want to know why they even go through the hassle of driving around town and parking and getting a table when they never even effing eat. Or order, for that matter.

We learn that K-Cav has a heart and she has real feelings for Bromance Brody. But, it's hard to feel sorry for someone who is such a slutty bitch.

"You can't let Brody Jenner make you feel like an idiot." --Lo-Lo

Wow, truest of true. Cause, if Brody is making you feel like an idiot, you must be an idiot.

"I completely put myself out there and he doesn't want me..." --K-Cav

I still don't think being friends with benefits with someone and then playing games and then trying to make him jealous and THEN saying, "I like you" is really "putting myself out there." I mean, it is...if you're in 10th grade.

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Next week, we'll watch the last. epi. ever. of The Hills.

Not sad.

Not even a little.

independence forever.

Tomorrow marks the 234th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Where this was, more than likely, a pretty formal event. I also imagine it to be one of those things that when it was over the boyZ started really celebrating. I bet they went outside, looked east to Great Britain and gave 'em the ole bird. I bet they said things like, "Effffffffffffff you, George!" or maybe even, "Suck it monkeys!" They probably drank a lot and then threw their bottles into the Atlantic as if they could actually throw a bottle all the way to England. I would also guess that there was some in-fighting and general mockery of one another's signature and/or wigs.

This weekend I encourage everyone to join together one more time and give George the bird. Turn east and tell the Brits that while the Magna Carta was a great document it's no match for the incomparable United States Constitution.

Tell 'em to read the Monroe Doctrine and to remember that while we may be a bit down in the dumps today, we're constantly singing Puff Daddy's anthem to ourselves, Can't nobody take my pride... Uh-uh, uh-uh...Can't nobody hold me down... ohh no...I got to keep on movin'.

In 1825 Thomas Jefferson ended a letter to Henry Lee with the phrase, Independence Forever.

So, to that, I take my bottle throw it to the east and say, "Independence today! Independence tomorrow! Independence forever! Suck it, monkeys!"

vogue, vogue, vogue.

At 26, I've learned that there are things that I am and there are things that I am not. For example: I am a girl. I am not a boy. I am a Razorback fan. I am not an LSU fan. I am completely comfortable with who the Lord has made me to be. I am not a fashionista with a flare for accessories.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, lately, I've been getting a few questions regarding fashion advice. Now, I'm no expert (as stated above), but because this blog solely exists to serve the greater good of the InternetS I will oblige and answer the questions.

How much leopard is too much leopard?

What a great a question! I'm a believer that any animal print is too much animal print, BUT...if you have to wear it, the less is more approach is your best bet. I mean, are you trying to dress like a leopard or cheetah or zebra? No. So, I'd say that only one item of clothing per outfit can be of the animal print persuasion. I'd suggest that the item NOT be a pair of pants.

What should I wear to an upcoming wedding?

That's such a broad question. I mean, I don't know your life. But, I can tell you this: you should not wear anything that you would wear to a Halloween party or anything that you would wear to a beach. Do not wear anything revealing too much skin. Also, don't wear white. Even if the bride is the biggest skeeze in the world and she shouldn't be wearing white, you still need to respect the rules.

I always feel like I look like I'm trying too hard. How can I avoid this?

I get it, I really do. I get that everyone in the world, typically, wants to look like a) they have more money than they actually do or b) they don’t care about what they look like. These things are tricky, because more often than not they back fire. For instance, wearing a shirt with “Old Navy” across the front doesn’t say, I can afford to shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart, it says you bought your shirt at Old Navy. If you show up somewhere with a designer draped across your chest, it is not a bold proclamation of wealth and accumulation, it’s a bold proclamation that you shopped around in a bargain bin. People are much more impressed with cheap clothes that look expensive than expensive clothes. Why you ask? Because if you can find affordable clothes that look designer you can still afford your bar tab and the lease on your 3-series BMW. So, all of that being said, to avoid looking like you're trying too hard maybe just don't try?

Other items of note:

• If you're going to church or work or even Target, you shouldn't look like you're going to the club or Vegas. Why the rhinestones? Why. the. rhinestones.
• If you’re wearing a small child’s weight in accessories try the less is more approach to life. You aren’t being eclectic by wearing 15 bracelets and nine necklaces; you’re weighing yourself down and making a lot of noise in the process.
• If you're a boy, wear jeans made for a boy.
• Wear clothes that fit. Are you wearing a tube top and have more than just your arms hanging loosely? You should probably change. Are your pants so tight that upon sight people are reminded of the camel they recently saw at the zoo?

let's talk about it.

You know what? For years I've been oblivious to the fact that as a child and tween, I dressed terribly. And when I say terribly, I mean, recently I've seen homeless people dressed better. The guy rolling his electric scooter down the one-way street the wrong way at lunch the other day at least had on a suit.

I've also come to the conclusion that really, not much has changed. Less than a month ago I saw a homeless guy in downtown Dallas dressed identically to me. Identical twins, y'all.

Basically, the only thing I have going for me at this point is that I would never, ever match an Oakland A's hat with a two-piece Crimmas sweatsuit ensemble. I'd go for a Rangers hat or something.

flag day.

There are a few days I look forward to on the ole calendar each year: Easter, President's Day, December 25th, opening day of college football season and of course, JUNE 14th: FLAG DAY.

Flag Day? Yes, Flag Day.

In 1777 the Second Continental Congress adopted the flag of the United States and so it was.

Is there a greater holiday on the calendar? Arguably, yes. But, to some this is it. This is the one.

I hope today you'll celebrate and celebrate well. Take out your flag, large or small, and wave it proudly.

This is America damn it. There may be oil in our gulf, idiots in office and uncertainty in the future of our banking system, but shit-- this is the greatest county in the world.

This is America.

Bless it.

the hills: so boring they brought JB back.

"We're friends." --Brody

I'm so glad I'm not friends with any of these people.

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StacietheBartender meets up with K-Cav for a doggie play date. Of course, they dish on boys, friends with benefits and flirting.

They literally said, "Let's go out and flirt." So, they do...

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LoLo, has on some really tight jeans, as she walks in to meet up with her Kappa sister, McKaela. How did this meet up even happen? Oh, wait. I know-- it was forced!

"I would recommend being nice to Kristen. It's sort of a tough crowd." --LoLo

Does tough mean generally very rude and not friendly?

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"We're on the prowl tonight." --StacietheBartender

K-Cav and Stace head over to Venice and some guy in plaid asks where they are from and then screams, "Colorado?"

They are having a difficult time picking up guys, but I figure that'll happen if you go out to a random ass bar at like, 8pm on a Tuesday. Not everybody is an alcoholic with a television show to film, K-Cav.

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The Brody and McKaela are on a date. It's at a restaurant. A RESTAURANT. They even have plates! But, there's no food.

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StephiePratt and Auds are on a mission to find a handbag. Auds reveals that RyanCab was living with her for a while. WHAT. She also reveals that it was a little too much. Duh. That hair, 24/7?

Auds says she has to work this week. But, then she invites Stephie to tag along. Sounds like a job to me.

"I think I'm going to get this because it'll look good with a spray tan." --StephiePratt

Well, of course.

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Here comes McKaela with a resume! LoLo shows her around the studio and they both are dressed kind of like they are actually working.

This interview is really lame. The guy asks her literally, 4 questions and says, "Perfect. See you at 9am tomorrow." I mean...I know she's a pretty girl and not fat and supposedly has a college degree, but is it really that easy to get a job? In this economy? WTF.

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K-Cav is doing some reps at the gym, Richard Simmons style. It's totally obvious that John is not an actual trainer. He's a big guy. I bet MTV paid him 30 bones because he was available at 2pm on a Tuesday.

StacietheBartender, who apparently carries a shovel around in her purse, comes to the gym to once again, DIG UP THE PAST. Let's talk about the past, Bartender, didn't you try to hook up with SpencerBoy?

"It's sad that you guys are friends and he's taking this girl that he barely knows over you. It's just rude." --StacietheBartender

But, actually, that is kind of what happens...

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AP, LoLo and StephiePratt are at AP's job in their rocker clothes to check out Purple Melon, the band, not the fruit.

They are terrible.

Out of nowhere, AP says she needs to leave because lo and behold, JUSTINBOBBY is on the stage!

"Justin's band is up there." --AP

"Wait. What? Justin's in a band?" --StephiePratt

"I thought that was always a joke." --LoLo

"Like a muppet." --LoLo

This was one of the greatest scenes ever on television. I think LoLo and StephiePratt were genuinely surprised by the fact that JB is in a band and they really didn't know. What doesn't this guy do? I mean, he does hair and make-up, rides motorcycles, cooks, wears boots on the beach and now, we learn he's a drummer. This is what you call a modern renaissance man.

JB takes off all of his clothes and eventually, after the drinks kick in, AP is having a great time, clapping along and forgetting about her JoeSimpson knock-off of a boyfriend.

AP wants to say hi to JB and JB thinks she came to just see him and then, much like a meth addict, he spits out like 17 questions at her. She says, "So many questions," and switches the subject to his hair. Good move. Don't talk about anything that matters, AP.

"I can't believe he's in a real band." --StephiePratt

As opposed to all the fake bands out there.

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RyanCabbiePatch shows AP around his house and I wonder how he can afford this house when he hasn't had an album out in years, much less a song on the radio. Does he still have a record deal? I'm going to get a record deal and buy a house.

AP starts getting weird and she knows she needs to tell the CabbagePatchDoll about JB. But, duh, she doesn't.

"I leave Thursday for like, 4 shows." --Ryan

"Maybe thats a good thing." --AP

I doubt that was the response he was looking for.

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Look! LoLo is at work and the new intern, McKaela, is there, too! LoLo wonders if Brody has feelings for other people.

"Be observant." --LoLo

I feel like, typically, when you're warning someone about a relationship, you tell them to be careful or something, but rarely, if ever do you tell them to be observant.

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The girlies are going out on the town. StephiePratt and K-Cav are hanging out together like K-Cav has totally forgotten that StephiePratt told her legs were tiny or something! How do you just forget something like that, K-Cav?

Stacie states for the 19th time this episode that she and K-Cav are on a man hunt. We get it.

Brody and TayTay show up and tell the girlies they are just raging. What the hell does that even mean? Clearly, he and I have different definitions of the word "rage."

Brody finally, after a few minutes of being pushed into it, apologizes to K-Cav for starting to date someone while he was banging her on the side. Stand up move, Bro.

JB walks in looking homeless.

"I don't think Spike's going to like this." --JB

I can only assume he's talking about Ryan and now, that is the best nickname for anyone ever.

AP is obviously nervous around JB and he's really trying to have a conversation, but she's making it difficult.

"Don't tell anybody."--JB

Well, she won't have to tell anybody, not only was a television show filming her hanging out with JB, but a whole bar saw it and commented on it.

Brody and K-Cav leave together. BECAUSE THEY ARE FRIENDS.

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Alright, seriously...this show is boring. I've been getting a lot of flack for blogging about it and it's getting harder and harder to defend it when nothing is evening happening on it. If the Pratties aren't back next week, there might not be a re-cap. Relax, I said might.