Tuesday, May 22, 2012

the bachelorette:: emily: epi 2.

It's time for the 19 remaining contestants to move into a Charlotte mansion and compete for Emily's heart and Lil Ricki's inheritance. That's word-for-word what the info on my cable box said. Mostly.


Emily begins the epi meeting up with her gUrls for some gUrl talk. Lil' Ricki fails miserably at her cartwheel attempts. Also, they found the one non-working, non-white woman in Charlotte to sit at the table and act interested in Emily's plight. Unfortunately, she did a terrible job of actually acting interested.


In the meantime, Chrissy Poo meets up with the boyZ to explain the rules of the game to them.

Ryan gets the one-on-one date and in less than two minutes of screen time we see him wear two see-through (sheer) t-shirts. While Ryan and Emily leave the other boyZ are getting some much needed pool time. I caught more than one dude checking out his pecks in the North Carolina sun.

Emily has, basically, a super shitty date planned for Ryan. He is asked to carry in her groceries and then in a classic emasculating move she makes him put on a super gUrly, super flowery apron. HE LOVES IT. Just eats it up.

"This is exactly what life could be like." --Ryan, while spending the afternoon baking in a woman's apron
Yes, Ryan, you won't work, she won't work. You'll just bake all day, e'erday. 

Emily takes the cookies to Ricki's soccer practice and makes Ryan wait in the car. So, instead of introducing him to Ricki too soon she makes him look like a child molester sitting in a car across from a park full of children playing. His odd smile and gaze didn't help his cause. : (

I know Ryan's haircut is probably considered stylish, but I don't think it's stylish for a 34-year-old super Southern dude. Just comb the back of that shit down, son.

Ryan and Emily get all gussied up for their nighttime date and now, Emily is driving a Bentley. Classic.

Ryan is color-blind because he keeps calling her plum dress red. Actually, that could be a deep mauve.

"Emily's a hometown hero to these people." --Emily
I actually looked up "notable" people from Charlotte and the most recognizable names were K-Ci & JoJo and Skeet Ulrich. : (

Ryan and Emily move on to a convo about chasing gUrls and something about a competition. I know where she was going, she just took a bass ackwards way of getting there. Meaning: she sounded kind of like an idiot.

"I don't want to be a prize." --Emily
So... yeah. Not going to touch it. 


Then, the two have the most awkward first dance in television history. Seriously. It was B-A-D. That's her favorite band? I don't believe that. I'd like to place bets on whether or not Emily knows how to use iTunes.



Emily meets up with 13 boyZ at a theater and then, SURPRISE! Here come the Muppets!
Emily, the Muppets and the boyZ are putting on a variety show. As if variety shows aren't typically bad enough, right? I'm confident my tap dance performance to Marty Stuart's "Hillbilly Rock" in the 1991 First United Methodist Church talent show, WITH MY MOTHER, was more entertaining than this.

"Growing up, I lived off the Muppets." --Tony, Lumber Boy
Seems dramatic, Tony.

Honestly, this was weird. Like, ABC, we get it-- EMILY HAS A KID AND SHE LIVES IN CHARLOTTE.

At one point, Chris goes to tell Emily that he's nervous about performing because of his brain injury. Emily seems kind of weirded out by Chris visiting her dressing room. You know how I know? He walked in and said he wanted to hang out for a second and she said, "Oh, cool." OUCH.

That mess is finally over and it's AFTER-PARTY TIME.

DRANKS ALL-AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, the Chicago guy, is becoming obsessed. He wants that rose, needs that rose, has to get that rose. Gotta get that boomboompow!

In one of the best lines of Bachelor/ette history Emily sits Jef (ONE F) down and says, "This is what I thought all day, 'where the hell is Jef? Does Jef speak English?'" BABY GURL WANTS A PIECE OF JEF. I mean, she wants some of that. Jef seems genuinely flattered and confused by the attention. Kind of like how I'm confused by his name being spelled J-E-F.

The Beat Boy shares a dance with Emily and I wish she'd share some style tips with him.

Kalon interrupts the dance and looks like he walked straight out of a J. Crew ad from hell.

Emily uses the same line on Kalon that she used on Jef, but slightly altered. "I was worried, I was like, where's Kalon?" She's good. Real good.

The Beat Boy tells Kalon that he doesn't like him. I felt like I was in a middle school science class. He was drinking that wine like he was in a field somewhere watching a bonfire with a bunch of 17-year-old dudes. I mean, we've all been in that field, right? My high school graduation party was in that field.

Emily gives the rose to Jef. He was like, "SAY WHAT?" I can't figure this dude out. I mean, get some self-esteem and call me in the morning.



Clearly, Joe thought he was going somewhere different than Emily. Her outfit compared to his was sad and weird. He is too old to be wearing a shirt like that if he's not managing a band or working on his new Tumblr site.

Emily tells him they are going to her home state! West Virginia! If Virginia is for lovers, West Virginia is for poor people and people driving from Ohio to Pennsylvania.

Now, in a great move by ABC, they set these two up at the Greenbrier. They could have taken this show to a whole new level of cool had they shared a little of bit of this place's history, but no... they didn't do that. They referred to it as a, "hotel she used to hang out when she was younger with her family." Then, they jumped in the pool.

Promise me you'll google the Greenbrier after this. In the meantime, know this: The Greenbrier houses A secret Eisenhower-era underground bunker, designed to house members of Congress and their staffs during [and after] nuclear attack. ALL OF CONGRESS AND THEIR STAFFS. That's insane!

We head back to Charlotte where Kalon and the Seattle Dad have a weird confrontation about putting "being a dad on hold." Personally, I think Seattle Dad got a little dramatic and defensive. I can see why he would get defensive about someone questioning his devotion to his child, but to be fair: he jet-set across the country and left his kid with his sister, for maybe 6 weeks, to try to date a gUrl on national television.

Then, Seattle Dad said he put every dream he had on hold at age 20 to be a dad. I don't want to speak too soon, but it sounds like he knocked somebody up at 20. It doesn't sound like he wanted to be a dad at 20. Just saying.

We head back to West Virginia (that's the first time in my life I've ever said that!) and Emily is way over-dressed for dinner. She's mainly over-dressed because she's in West Virginia. You can't wear stuff like that there.


Emily asks Joe where he sees himself in 5 years.

"I hope I see myself happy." --Joe
Is that a sentence?

You just hope you see yourself as happy?

Emily tries to dig a little deeper and gets nowhere. At this point, it's over. Emily sends Joe packing. Then, they make her watch the saddest ass firework show in the history of fireworks. It's hard to make a fireworks show sad, but somehow they did it.



We get a minor glimpse of Emily's mom as she's getting dressed for the rose ceremony. There can't be a single ounce of blonde hair dye left in North Carolina.

Emily sits down with Arie and asks him questions about his life in Scottsdale and she interrupts him at least three times in the middle of it. Maybe seven times.

Arie, brilliantly, mentions that he dated a gUrl with kids once.

Ryan gets some time with Emily and everyone is pissed. Lumber Boy wants to interrupt their time, but he can't until Emily reads the note Ryan wrote Emily.

"Thank you for being you." --Ryan's note to Emily

Lumber Boy (Tony) has a moment when he talks about the Muppets with Emily. He uses that as a lead to discuss his son, Taylor and the fact that he left him at home to pursue her. I wish he would've left that sad tie at home, too.

Kalon sat alone on a bench and sulked.

Kalon says he's an old man trapped in a young man's body. Just looks like a tool bag to me trapped in a pretty nice suit. He then talked a lot about being mature. I've always thought if you have to tell people you're mature, just outright, you aren't that mature. Personal opinion.

Chrissy Poo shows up. I know I say this a lot, but he's wearing what is honestly the worst shirt-tie combo EVER. He looked like he was attending a surfer's funeral.

ROSE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Beat Boy got a rose over Cutie Biology Teacher Boy. The glasses aren't for everyone. Emily was engaged to a NASCAR driver, you really think she's digging the hipster glasses, son? No. She's into trashy. I mean, look at Beat Boy's excuse for facial hair. He looks like he works in the meat department of a local Wal-Mart.

The Teacher cried.

Kyle got cut. He was boring. Super monotone.

"I said, 'you know what? I'm going to go for it.' When you get your heart broken, it's the worst feeling in the world." -- Kyle, with NO EMOTION in his words or facial expressions
He sure didn't look like he was experiencing the worst feeling in the world. 

Emily lets the boyZ know that they will be in Charlotte for another week.

I can't decide if this is really good for Charlotte or really bad for Charlotte. I mean, if you're leaving Charlotte to visit West Virginia, it doesn't really say much for Charlotte. You know what I'm saying?

Long hair don't care.
It's over.

Until next week.


Anonymous said...

Best recap ever!!

Em D said...

Agree! On all counts!!

Em D said...

Agreed! On all accounts!

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