Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the bachelor :: ben : epi 9.

We meet up with Ben on the last stop of his journey.
He's in Switzerland.
I'm in my very own personal Hell.

Did he really carry-on luggage to Europe?

He just called Nicki a "dark horse" and I was offended. I bet horse gUrl was too. I bet she wants to be the dark horse. Or the white horse.

He said he had premonitions about horse gUrl.

I fast-forwarded through what he said about The Model.

Nicki makes it to Switzerland and immediately runs into Ben's arms and Ben tells her that a good vantage point of the Alps would be the sky.
This is guy is brilliant.

"You get the whole view." --Nicki, on the view

"That's a glacier." --Ben, looking at a glacier

That helicopter did some loopty-loos and then they had a picnic on the side of a mountain. Ben was looking very gray, as he was wearing every shade of gray imaginable. 

How are these two sitting on top of this mountain without sunglasses?

"I was wondering if your dad was like my dad." --Nicki

Ben didn't talk at all during the picnic. He just kind of smiled and kind of nodded while squinting. Nicki talked a lot. Then, she got interviewed and put on the lowest cut top they sell at the Fort Worth Stockyards. It was terrible.

The helicopter dropped them off on a mountain. AGAIN. Nicki made some really terribly analogies about their relationship and a cliff and falling off it. My thoughts at this very moment: I hope they fall off that mountain. OR. I hope they get left on top of that mountain.

Commercial break.
They got off the mountain without falling off of it. : (
We get to see Nicki's top in action.

Can you imagine eating dinner sitting on that log? I'd want to get dumped just so my butt could get off that tree stump.

Ben's hair.
Ben's no-teeth smile and mini head nod.

"How many kids do you want?" --Nicki
"My sister and I decided..." --Ben
WHAT? You decided to have kids with your sister?

Ben gives Nicki the overnight date card. WHAT WILL SHE DO?!?!?!????
She forewent her individual room without any hesitation or thought.
Dads everywhere are hanging their heads in shame.

It can't be safe to burn that many candles without people there to watch them, right?

Does Nicki ever stop talking?

Cool bathtub scene.

Horse gUrl makes her way to Switzerland and learns she has to rappel on her date with Ben. This is the gUrl they made jump out of a helicopter the other day, right? And she cried and cried and cried and said, "What if I die?" These ABC Producers are assholes.

One time I went rappelling and did it wrong and basically fell off the cliff.
Then, I had to do it again the next day and did it even more wrong and fell head first all the way down.
The second time I was rappelling into water, so it wasn't as scary, but I still thought I was going to die. (ALL OF THAT INFORMATION WAS FOR FREE.)

Ben and horse gUrl's rappelling was way less dramatic then either of them thought it would be, making it REAL boring.

Horse gUrl and Ben end up in a hot tub and she calls herself "the ice queen." If she's the ice queen, call me "sweetie." Clearly, this gUrl is not very self-aware. I should've known that. She's on the Bachelor.

Ben throws on a bow tie and it's the first time in my life I hated a man in a bow tie.

Ben is always picking food out of his teeth with his tongue.
I mean, just get a toothpick or something.

I wish I could imitate Ben's head nod, no-teeth smile and "mm-hmm" on this blog.

Whoa. Horse gUrl throws out the word "proposal" so, Ben of course invites her to spend the night. I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. I'm kidding. I did.

Oh! Look at that! Horse gUrl at least prefaced spending the night with, "I don't usually do this," before accepting. CLASSY BROAD.

"It is a fantasy of a suite." --Horse gUrl
Hence the name, "fantasy suite," gUrl. 

Was that Horse gUrl's whole butt we saw during the bed make-out scene?

Finally, The Model arrives. 
Ben looks like he stepped out of a rejected J. Crew catalog ad in his women's camel pea coat.

They climb aboard the "cute" train and make their way to Wengen.
Ben, SHOCKINGLY, wants to have a picnic. This guy is just creative, right?

"It's nice to know I could just walk with her... that's something I've been wanting to do." --Ben
Say what? You've been wanting to walk with her?

There wasn't another person in the town, minus a guy selling some oranges and of course, the man walking around WITH A HERD OF GOATS. That's soooooooooo typical.

The Model doesn't know how to play "Hey Cow" and a part of my soul died.

"There are some things I can work on." --The Model
YES. Your whole attitude and life. And every single thing about your personality. 

It gets pretty AWK when Ben brings up some of The Model's previous actions and he decides to quit talking about it and pick food out of his teeth with his tongue instead. Then, The Model cries.

Unfortunately, Ben doesn't leave The Model out in the field with the cows. Instead, he takes her to dinner in a cellar. Naturally, there's a couch in the cellar.

The Model brings up "the other gUrls" and she says she feels badly about the drama. Ben's concern is not that she's being fake, it's just that he needs support? He just needs support when he gets home? The Model admits to being immature and the music in the background makes me feel like someone is in the hospital and near death, but no, it's just two people talking about immaturity and support while sitting on a couch in a cellar in Switzerland while being filmed. Natch.

WHOA! They get the option to forgo their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?! That's crazy! The Model is all like, "HELL YEAH, fantasy suite!"

This fantasy suite has a lot of animal skin rugs and throws in it. Leading me to wonder, "who's fantasy is that exactly?" I've never dreamed of any situation that involved a dead animal's skin. Call me crazy.

For a single mother, who lost her longtime boyfriend in a horrific accident, I cannot think of a better way to find a husband than this, you know? I mean, yes, expose your child to this. YES. YES. YES. 

The Dentist and Ali meet up with Barbie Emily to "give her advice," but they just tried on some dresses and then got their make-up done.

Barbie Emily toned down the highlights and she looks way less NASCAR now. I tell you what, ABC knows what they are doing, right?

Oh, Heaven help this poor gUrl. They made her go see "Titanic 3D." 

We get back to Ben, FINALLY, and he's just checking out the Alps from his hotel room. There have not been enough long stares into the distance from him this season. It makes me think he doesn't think at all! Isn't that the only time these dudes think-- when they are looking at the landscape?

WELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD. Kacie B. is back. And she's bow-legged? When did that happen?

I timed how long it took her to knock on the door and it was 14 seconds. Yes, that includes the hair fixing and deep breath.

Ben invites her in.

"I'm a hot mess." --Kacie B.
Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Kacie flew all the way to Switzerland to "get some answers." Yeah, that's what sane people do and all. This wasn't planned for ratings or anything like that.

Ben basically tells Kacie that their backgrounds are too different. What I actually heard: "Your parents love the Lord and I think you do, too, so I don't really want to get into that. I want no responsibility and I don't want your dad to throw-down on me for wanting to live with you before marriage."

Then, Kacie decides to just go for it and throws The Model under the bus. In my head, it's a big bus!

Kacie is pretty vague, but Ben almost cries.
I'm crying because his shirt is so damn ugly.

Kacie throws herself on the floor after leaving Ben's room.
No. No. No. No. No.
Kacie, get up! Get up!
And don't just get up because that's a nasty European hotel hallway floor, get up because you are a strong woman! Get up because you have some pride! Get up because you have some self-respect!

I hope Kacie at least got to hang out in Switzerland and didn't just fly there for this five-minute tirade of bullshit.

Ben sits in his hotel room and taps on the table.
I think he would think better if he went and looked out the window, right?
That table has no answers, Ben! Look out the window!

Chrissy Poo meets up with Ben.

REAL QUESTION: Do you think Ben owns a hairbrush? Honestly, be real with me. Do you think he does?

Ben tells Chrissy that Kacie showed up out of nowhere like he didn't know it. It was probably Chrissy's idea, Ben.

Ben, now, feels conflicted. He doesn't know what to do!

"I didn't have any regrets until she showed up." --Ben
Really? Clearly, we're watching different shows. 
I have a lot of secondhand regret. 

Chrissy Poo looks as bored as I feel.
Ben is just rambling.

I think Chris has on a tux.

Do you think the ABC Producers make him stare at those photos?
Oh, good. Finally, he's looking out the window. Now, he'll get some answers!


Horse gUrl and The Model get roses.
This guy is such a chump.

Nicki, who's hair all seems to be on one side of her hair tonight, is upset. Duh.

Why do they always hold hands when walking out? He just dumped you. Why would you hold his hand?

"Everything doesn't go unnoticed." --Ben, to Nicki
What does that mean? Seriously. Is that even a sentence?

"I don't know what else to say. You deserve everything." --Ben, to Nicki
Really? Everything? EVERYTHING? Is everything good or bad?! Good or bad, Ben?

Nicki gets in that limo and lets it roll. The tears come. She can't talk.

"I've never been in love with somebody who hasn't loved me back." --Nicki
WELL, aren't you just the cat's meow, gUrl. 

She just really hopes he's making the right decision.
I don't care what he does.

Next week is the 'Women Tell All' and I really hope we find out how these women felt about his hair.

1 comment:

Morgan said...

I'd like a transcript of exactly WHAT Kacie said once Ben answered the door. It was nearly-impossible to decipher...

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