Monday, January 2, 2012

the bachelor: ben. epi 1.

I live a life of few regrets. 

One of the few regrets I do have though happens to be writing a recap of this stupid, stupid show many years ago. I can't get past it. People don't believe me when I tell them that I don't enjoy this, but real talk, y'all: this is torture for me. 

You know what's real torture? A sad ass David Gray love song combined with Benji's terrible hair cut and you've got Dick Cheney and water-boarding comparisons at every turn. 

Ben's had time to reflect on all that happened last season!

He's ready for love and I assure you: he's looking in all the wrong places. 

Lindzi spells her name with a 'z' and she loves horses. 

Amber wants Ben to eat cow balls. 

Lyndsie spells her name like a stripper that used to be a hooker.

Jenna blogs while drinking wine. 

Shawn is a boy's name and she has a kid.

Oh, finally. Nicki gets to sit on the couch and stare at a photo. 

"No expectations." --Benji
That's probably good. I also have low expectations. Same thing, right?

Ben and Chris are dressed almost identically and it's cute in the same way that's it not cute at all. 

The women start arriving and Benji looks bored almost. Though his face does get inquisitive when the law student gets out of the car in a dress that she clearly stole from "Dancing With the Stars" wardrobe's department. 

"I love Canada." --Ben

Jenna (henceforth known as The Blogger) freaked her own freak when she misquoted Ben during her introduction. I'm with you, gUrl, you screwed up. Your dress selection could also be put on your screw up list. 

I fast forwarded through the rest of the intros... until SHERYL. What a cutie! And nice move on letting her introduce you, granddaughter Brittney. Kind of weird and creepy, especially because grandma was on crutches and stuff. But, yeah. Totally cool. I'd also be willing to bet a large sum of money that SHERYL probably forwards e-mails to a lot of those gUrls now. Am I right? I'm right.

That gUrl from Oklahoma came out spouting numbers and I straight up fell asleep around the time she said she had never been arrested. I was jilted out of sleep by the Londonite's booming voice. Then, that one gUrl just walked right past him. I thought that was pretty awesome.

Want to see crazy? Check out the gUrl who talked about her dog within 2 seconds of exiting the limo. Oh, check that-- a gUrl just rode in on a horse. And now I'm dreaming of her getting kicked off and Benji saying, "...and the horse you rode in on!"

Chrissy-poo Harrison tells him the house is his and the cocktail party is officially underway. I couldn't be less thrilled.

"I'm kind of that small-town gUrl...I live in New York City." --Rachel
By the end of their conversation I've decided that she's either drunk or has a head injury that we were not told about. I didn't think the words were ever going to get out of her mouth. She. talked. so. slow.

"Is that a big part of your life-- the horse thing?" --Ben, to Lindzi
If that's ever a question you have to ask on a date, you should get off of that date. Immediately.

Listening to Sheryl talk to Ben, I'm imagining my grandmother on this show and I start to think, "now, that's a show I would watch!" Y'all, everyone should have to bring one family member to the first show every season. Get the crazy out there right away. Boom. Bam. Zing!

How did Ben not ask what was up with the crutches?

"This is going to be ridiculous." --Ben
Foreshadow much? Call it a wash now, Ben!

There's a 34-year-old VIP cocktail waitress on here?
This can't be the way she thought her life would go.

"It was hard to talk to him while he was blindfolded and eating candy out of a garbage sack." --gUrl
To be fair, I don't think it was a garbage sack.

"I work really hard." --the Model
Listen, I don't know if that's true or not, but I'd be willing to stand in front of a camera for a few hours and let her send some e-mails at my job one day to find out.

Some gUrl says she isn't attracted to Ben and the Blogger got her claws out. She was really insulted and wanted the other gUrl to leave. Monica retreats to the VIP cocktail waitress for comfort. She's not distracted at all by the dead birds hanging from her ears.

At this point, shit started getting really weird. I don't know how to describe it other than: one gUrl got drunk and started hitting on another gUrl. This is a family blog, we have to leave it at that.

"I don't want to be drama." --Blogger
I mean, you call yourself a blogger and you're on reality TV. You may not want to be 'drama' but, it looks like you are.

The Blogger is a little emotional and the confrontation between her and Monica was quite comical. She was so upset and hurt and then basically just told her to not make fun of her and then offered to share a tampon with her.

I can't be certain, but I think I read somewhere once that extending a tampon to another woman is the feminine version of extending an olive branch.

Benji walks up on the Blogger shedding some tears and then Blogger goes on some drunk tyrade about being nervous and at this point, I really think Benji wants out. You can just tell he's not cut out for this. I think someone is going to end up murdering him before this season is over. He's too timid for this crazy train. BEN, GET OFF THE TRACKS. CRAZY TRAIN COMING THROUGH.

Blogger is in the bathroom just dropping bombs.

The horse lover/rider got the first impression rose.

Has Chris Harrison's voice gotten deeper? It sounds different. Maybe he just has a cold or something. I always sound manly when I have a cold.

The Blogger comes back and you can just hear that train whistle blowing.

Ben's rose ceremony speech was pre-rehearsed and terrible.

"Obviously, this is going to be emotional...we've already had a little bit of that tonight...that's what I'm looking for..." --Ben
You are looking for a shit show, Ben? Really? That is what you're looking for? Well, Eureka! Gold mine. 

I'd like to meet these gUrls' parents. They need a lesson in name spelling.

When ole Granddaughter got a rose people were PIST (2929 SHOUT OUT). They were all like, "WHERE'S GRANDMA?!"

In all of my years of living, I don't think I've ever seen so many terrible earrings together in one room. Just poor selection, after poor selection. And yes, this is coming from a gUrl who basically wears one pair of earrings to every single occasion there is, but I own other pairs. And none of them are ugly.

Monica and the Blogger get a rose.
SHOCK. and. AWE.
Shock and awe.

Clearly, the Producers of this show are just brilliant, brilliant people. Where do they continue to find these people and convince millions of others that watching this is appropriate behavior?

"I feel like such a loser. Such an absolute failure." --English Accent gUrl
No! No! You aren't a loser. I mean, daddy issues aside, I'm sure you're great. And cool. Don't believe the lies, gUrl! You just got the best present of your life by not getting a rose!

One time, I just wish one of these gUrls would not get a rose and look into the camera and say, "YOUR LOSS, BUDDY!" and just move on. Have a little bit of pride in yourselves, people.

I guess at this point, I'm in. As usual. And I'm so mad at myself.

Bring on the helicopters, gang!


Unknown said...

favorite part of the batchelor besides the bachelor… your HI-LARIOUS review of said bachelor!

Bryn T. said...

i think i look forward to these reviews more than the actual epis

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