Tuesday, July 19, 2011

the bachelorette: you can go home again.

We start off in Philly at the Dentist's apartment. She's just doing normal shit like opening the front door and reading her mail and drinking coffee. You know, normal shit.

"Ben F. is a real guy." --The Dentist
Uh. Yeah?

"This is not an easy place to be dating." --The Dentist
What place?! What. place.
Television isn't a place.

The Dentist makes her way to Atlanta. If he's from Atlanta why doesn't he talk like he's from Atlanta? Constantine takes the Dentist to a water treatment facility that's disguised as a park and she spends most of the time there fixing her hair. He takes her back to his restaurant. Apparently, I haven't been paying attention because I had no idea he worked at a restaurant. Or owned a restaurant. Or shares a restaurant with his parents. Whatever. Oopsies.

They made a pizza and a salad and had an awkward conversation.

Somebody put up an ugly ass sign to welcome Constantine home.

Constantine's mama wants to throw a big ass party. I'm in.

I could understand approximately 19% of what Constantine's father said. I can't tell if he's a doting dad or if he has a crush on Constantine. I mean, he really likes his son.

While watching that fat man throw money at everyone I couldn't help but wonder if Constantine has ever washed his hair. Ever. Props to the Dentist though-- she didn't flinch when realizing that half of Greece is related to Constantine.

Next, we head to the setting of a movie and learn that Ames grew up at a bed and breakfast with an indoor pool and a snarky, protective sister. Ames is such an interesting person. He's by far the best looking member of his family and the best dressed.

Ames' mother thinks this is a serious relationship because Ames looks healthy? True, he looks healthy. But, I don't get it.

Snarky sis takes the Dentist to the indoor pool area (maybe this was a Holiday Inn?) and just gives it to her straight by asking about 157 probing questions. The Dentist uses this opportunity to get the sister to shower her with compliments. She's so good at that.

I think it's interesting that Ames has lost two fathers and we've never heard a word about it. Ben takes a different path. Just an observation.

We get to see that "romantic" side of Ames tonight under a blooming Magnolia tree. While there, Ames spills the beans that he was a nerdy, unpopular kid. SHOCKING. The Dentist throws some compliments at Ames and then says, "we're just alike." Zing! She's so good.

Then the Budweiser Clydesdales showed up and they went on a carriage ride!

We head out to Wine Country and the Dentist describes Ben just like she described Constantine. Ummm....they are twins.

Ben lets the Dentist taste his wine.
If you know what I mean!
Oh, I'm kidding!

The Dentist takes a huge swig of red wine, makes no comment about the taste of it, but then says, "I really wish my mom was here!" Awkward.

Ben continues the theme of discussing how many gUrls he's brought home and how this is such. a. big. deal. Like, these people are young-- it's pretty normal to only have taken a handful of people home to meet your parents. And see your baby photos. And see where you were potty-trained. You don't just load up the van every time you make it to a third date, people.

We finally make it to Ben's mother and sister. His sister who probably played softball growing up. I bet she was a catcher.

They discuss Ben's hair and I can't help but wonder if she wanted to say, "Well, yes, it's the hair. Actually, there's this other boy with hair JUST LIKE HIM, TOO."

Ben's expressed his feelings more to the Dentist than he has in 6 years. Ummmm... do you think that's maybe because you've grown up a little bit in 6 years?

"Everything I'm feeling is natural." --Ben
That sounds like something you tell a priest.

Ben's mother seems really classy and sophisticated.
She handled Ben's confessions of guilt really well. It was a sweet conversation, but one part was kind of funny. Ben's mother said, "Your dad is looking down on us," and the look on Ben's face was one that I've never seen before. It was like he thought his dad was in the attic or something watching this scene take place.

Ben, I hate your jeans.

We up with JP at a flower garden and then head on over to the roller rink. A man after my own heart. I love roller skating, but taking someone to the place I grew up skating would be the equivalent to taking someone to a meth lab where you could also contract SARS. JP's rink looks pretty clean.

And again, they continue with the theme, "I've only brought home ___ gUrls and obviously they didn't work out." So, if we're doing the math, bringing home a gUrl to meet the parents means you won't work out?

"I'm on such a high when I'm with you." --JP
That's because ABC shoves alcoholic beverages down your throat non-stop when you're together.

JP's family takes an interesting approach to this day. That being: let's only talk about the last gUrl that JP dated and how big of a bitch she was. I mean, this gUrl must've worked these people over. The whole damn family. They must've put the guy on suicide watch after it or something.

Side note: I hope they don't talk about the brother's girlfriend like this if they break up.

JP's mother's face is saying, "Cut the shit. This is shit. I can't believe I'm doing this."

"You're sweet!" --the Dentist
"You're sweet!" --JP's mom
No, you're the sweetest!

JP's father is a real chatterbox, eh?
Like, shut the hell up, dude.

The Dentist sits down with Chrissy Poo Harrison and finally admits that her relationship with Bentley "was not a real relationship." What?! No!

Everybody saw this coming from two miles away: Ames is gone. You know what else should be gone? Chris Harrison's tie. Chris, what is your tie?

Ames looked genuinely shocked and confused when it was over, like he was on some hidden camera show or something. But, of course she tells him something nice and he falls all over himself complimenting her back doubly. He has some tearful moments in the limo, but overall keeps it together. Mostly. I think Ames will be just fine. He manages a hedge fund in New York City-- that's not exactly heading back to selling cell phones in Nowhere, Iowa. He seems like an online dating type of guy. I see that in his future.

What did we learn this week? Well, we learned a lot: First, taking somebody home is a huge f'ing deal. Second, ex-girlfriends are a bitch. And third, she has a type: the hair.

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