Tuesday, July 26, 2011

the bachelorette: debt crisis.

The Bachelorette is a long 2 hours.
And when you throw in a talk by POTUS and the "speaker of the whole house" it gets even longer. Maybe the longest 2 hours and 15 minutes of my whole entire life.

Ryan comes to Fiji to explore and discover the things unsaid between himself and the Dentist. What an effing joke, sunshine boy. This is not a normal dating circumstance, you can't just text her and ask to go get coffee-- if you're required to fly to Fiji to do your "exploring" it's not real life.

And that Dentist? What a bitch. Just stringing him along...

"The book's not closed yet...unless Ashley says it is." --Ryan
Didn't she already do that?

Ben is first and they go on a boat. They both want to see what's upstairs, so it's perfect. They are totally compatible. Then, they talk about how nervous they were meeting Ben's mom. The nervous nelly talk obviously leads to some foreplay involving sunscreen. That Dentist is desperate. She basically begs Ben to rub sunscreen on her and then he proceeds to concentrate on her chest mostly. The Dentist does the same, but straddles him to apply the sunscreen. In all of this sunscreen "applying" I only saw the bottle of sunscreen at the very beginning. I think, by the end, they were just rubbing each other.

The Dentist says Ben is really fun and that he has a zest for life, but I'm not seeing it. When he gives his interviews he's so monotone and unexpressive. He's the guy that describes a situation as the 'most fun ever' with zero emotion or elation. He's just dead pan. All the time. I mean, the guy says he's beaming and through the roof, but he isn't even smiling.

Ben stole a shirt from Shakespeare and then tucked it in.

Ben kind of tells the Dentist he loves her and she buys it.
MIght as well send her a text message if that's what you're going to say.

They hit up that fantasy suite and the Dentist was excited to show him how much she likes him. Wink, wink.

Constantine gets the first helicopter of the season! Where have the helicopters been, ABC? Might as well be watching a dating show on Disney if there aren't any helicopters.

Of course, Ryan, the water heater expert, watches the helicopter fly over as he throws rocks into the ocean. That guy.

Constantine loves to look at things and point.
The Dentist takes him a waterfall to jump off of a cliff-- y'all it's a metaphor. She doesn't think Connie is ready to take that leap of faith with her, so she made him jump off a cliff. I see you, gUrl. I see you.

They go for a picnic and Connie gets called out. He looked at 108 houses before buying one and the Dentist knows at that point-- it's over. She doesn't like that he thinks things through before making decisions. Probably because if anybody really thought about spending their life with her they'd re-think it pretty fast.

It's dinner time and within 2 minutes of sitting down Ben is mentioned. She asks if it's weird to date the same gUrl as a friend and to that, I'd turn around and say: IS IT WEIRD TO DATE TWO GUYS AT THE SAME TIME WHO ARE TWINS?! And not just twins-- twins with the worst hair of anyone I've ever seen on television.

Connie breaks down and realizes that he hasn't held back anything from the Dentist-- he just doesn't like her. He doesn't even like her enough to stay another week in Fiji. I think I could like a lot of people for a week in Fiji. Just saying.

"This fantasy suite, I know what it means. And I know what it implies." --Constantine
Zing! Cat's outta the bag. We all know what goes down in that thing!

This interruption can best be summed up like this: America spends too much damn money. So, POTUS came on the television to tell me that my country is in a crisis. Then, the "speaker of the whole house" (I just can't get past the fact that that's how he introduced himself) came on my television to tell me that he worked hard with POTUS to get a deal. Basically, there was some finger-pointing and some cliches thrown around. All of this could have been said AFTER the show was over.

Back to the real crisis.

Constantine walks out and you know in her head, she's all, "Well, Ryan is here." I like that he left. But, ABC, it's Fiji. You can't just leave Fiji whenever you want. Where did you make him go?

"What if I end up all alone and all of this was for nothing?" --Dentist
gUrl, if you end up alone after all of this and all the time I've spent watching this bull shit no one will be more upset than me.

The Dentist calls Sunshine "Ry" 14 times, tells him he's perfect and then says, "BUT" and it's over. That guy's face was priceless.

Water plane!

JP hates surprises and we learn later on it's because he just doesn't understand them very well.

She uses the word "perfect" a lot. That's a word you shouldn't overuse.

They reach a random island and then there's 14 minutes of them halfway making out in the water with the plane in the background. JP says he's ready for the end and I'm ready for the Dentist to walk out of the house AFTER she looks in the mirror. What are those shorts?

He keeps wanting to grab her ass and then he stops and just goes for the hips.

I think JP has worn that shirt before. I respect that. I don't respect that JP and Ben, both, keep saying, "I'm not going to tell her tonight." Like, whatever.

The Dentist explains to JP that Ryan came and that Constantine left, actually she says the Constantine thing was "mutual" and JP's all, "what? what? I don't get it." It was dumb. It was especially dumb because the music in the background was really dramatic. They weren't talking about putting a puppy down, they were talking about Ryan flying to Fiji-- not that dramatic.

JP says he isn't hung up on her other relationships and he's completely unaffected by them. I'm going to throw the bull shit card on that one. Remember that time he spent a whole day sulking in Hong Kong like a little baby gUrl? Is that just me?

The Dentist doesn't mess around in that fantasy suite with JP. She takes a card from Chantal's book and puts on a white button-down shirt and goes to work.

She says that JP is exactly what she's looking for, which is exactly what she told Ryan, the guy she's sent home twice now.

I fast-forwarded through her sit-down with Chris.
I have shit to do.

She's all about the racer-backs this epi. It's a huge transition from her see through shirt days.

Ben and JP look like they're headed to Sunday school and the Dentist looks like she's headed to Vegas to be in a rap video.

Even after thinking about it all week and for a really long time, Ben accepts the rose.
JP didn't think about it as much, but he still accepted the rose.

And with that, it was over.


Morgan said...

"back to the real crisis"...brill.

Allyson said...

Hilarious! i loved this post!

Lindsey said...

Just so you know...I've had one of the worst weeks in a long time and I thought to myself..."how can I make myself laugh?!" Obviously you did not disappoint! Love every word.

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