Monday, June 27, 2011

the bachelorette: closure.

This show would save so much time if they did two things. First off, if they didn't recap the previous show at the beginning of each show for 12-15 minutes I could spend more time googling where to buy see through shirts like the Dentist always wears. And second, if they didn't explain the "rules" at the beginning of each episode we could see more awkward interactions between the Dentist and hotel clerks-- like in Thailand. Give the people what they want! This is the 3,061st season of this show. We get the premise. And if the d-bags on the show don't get it, explain it off camera. Let's wrap this shit up. Capiche?

I have very few things to say about the Bentley drama. I'd like to wrap it up quickly: I spend a large amount of my day reading and writing articles. Some of these articles I have to edit. I might even be direct enough to say that my job title may have the word 'editor' in it somewhere. I am no expert on grammar or writing, but I know a little bit*. I have a degree in Journalism**. So, what I'm saying is this: I know grammatical terms and I know punctuation marks. And Ashley, you idiot, there's no such thing as a 'dotdotdot.' It's a freakin' ellipsis. Do you see that? ELLIPSIS. It's not used for the continuation of your love story, it's used to indicate a pause in speech when quoting someone. End Bentley...or is this continued? No, end. No... No, end it.

"Bentley, if you're watching this: F*%$ you." --Dentist
Oh, you! I have to agree.

So, the Dentist goes to see Bentley and then she puts on an ugly shirt to go on a date with Lucas. Half the date they are carrying around a frozen drink concoction. The other half it isn't there. Tricky editing bastards! Lucas looked genuinely scared the whole time they were walking around. His excuse for never having been to New York, or anywhere else for that matter, was that, "I like fishing with my buddies and stuff." Well, that explains it all!

The date isn't over yet-- the Dentist loves the skyline and wants to see it from the best possible way: a lop-sided boat in the middle of the harbor. No worries, she isn't thinking about Bentley at all. And we know that because she keeps telling us.

She is such a fisherman. She fishes for compliments in just about every conversation she has.

"God has a plan for me." --Lucas
That he does. That he does.
I pray that my plan involves me never being on this show.

Is Lucas a prophet?! Psychic?! He wanted three things to happen and they all did. THEY. ALL. HAPPENED. They danced, they kissed, he got the rose!

"His manlihood makes me feel safe." --Dentist
I'm sorry, his what?! His what makes you feel safe?
I could take this to mean SO many different things, but this is a family-friendly blog and we'll just go ahead and leave it at the Dentist being an idiot and using the wrong word, that's not even really a word.

We learn that JP gets the one-on-one. Blake is PIST (SHOUT OUT 2929) that he's "lumped in the same category as Ryan." Well, you know what Boy Dentist? You both fall directly in the tool category, right under the shed.

The Dentist tells us that people in Hong Kong "pride themselves" on dragon boat racing. Um, BULL SHIT. I'm calling you on that. In a country known for so many things involving tradition and ancestry I've never heard anyone say, "the pride of China: dragon boat racing." Come on! Have you seen the gymnasts they produce? Or the products they manufacture? Ever been to Pei Wei or PF Chang? Maybe Hong Kong is different because it was under British rule for so long. Even then, I would think they would be proud of more stuff than a boat full of people rowing around aimlessly in the water. Ok, let me retract: a boat full of people rowing around aimlessly while one person beats a drum.

Do the people of China also pride themselves on bare-midriff? Or is that just dental students from Maine who relocate to Philadelphia?

Ames and Mickey win the race and they get nothing. Oops, they got one trophy. Excuse my false reporting. Actually, it wasn't a trophy. It was a dragon on a stand. Maybe it was a dragon on a boat?

The Dentist watched a proposal on the beach. Could this be foreshadowing?

Ames pulls the Dentist into the elevator for his victory dance. Out of nowhere he starts mugging down on her. He seems like a seasoned pro, timing the closing of the elevator doors with precision. Also, he never even came close to dropping that alcoholic beverage that was probably his 19th of the evening.

Ben raided Mr. Rogers' nighttime closet and had an intimate moment with the Dentist on a balcony. Those two should stick to their imaginary kissing because they are not very good at actual kissing.

"The biggest skeptic of all." --Ben
No. That's probably me.

"If I end up with the gUrl I love that would be a dream come true." --Ben
This is your dream? It's my nightmare.

I'm confused about Mr. Sunshine. All the boyZ loathe him. Don't get me wrong, I'd want to kick the shit out of him, but he doesn't seem like a terrible person or like someone who would throw a puppy out of a moving vehicle. Blake makes bold statements about their "fundamental differences" and then says he's leaving if Mr. Sunshine gets the rose. And guess what? All talk. As my mother would say, "his mouth is writing checks his butt can't cash." None of the boyZ do anything but sit around and stare at each other in disbelief after Sunshine Ryan gets the rosy-rose. And "fundamental differences?" I think you're both lacking fundamentals period.

Rant: How can they still be in disbelief about ANY decisions this gUrl makes? She's clearly insane. You cannot expect an insane person to make rational decisions. And boyZ, hello: she's also extremely annoying and peppy, why are you so shocked that she's into the guy with the exact same personality as her? They were made for each other!

"She makes me feel alive." --JP
Try breathing.

"What was the last thing that made you cry?" --Dentist
Realizing how much time I've spent watching this bull shit and how I could've built a whole orphanage in a foreign country in that amount of time. Jesus is so sad right now. And it's my fault.

The Dentist tells JP about Bentley. She phrases it as nothing more than a secret and JP barely bats an eye. But, that random commercial break really had me for a second! FALSE. ABC, I've figured your game out. Eat it.

"I didn't get good closure." --Dentist
Really? Shocker.

Does she shop at stores that only sell ugly shirts?

JP gets the rose.
Another shocker.

They make out on a train.
So romantic. Who wouldn't want to make out while riding public transportation? Public meaning: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE SAT IN THOSE SEATS and sneezed and wiped their boogers on them. Yes, romance is alive in Hong Kong!

The Dentist is going to prom, y'all!


Seriously, if you put up my prom photo next to her outfit, you would think I looked better. And how many people can look at their prom pictures 10 years later and say that? HER HAIR IS IN AN UP-DO.

The Dentist tells the boyZ about Bentley.
Have you ever thrown shit at a fan? Ten out of 10 times that shit flies back and hits you in the face. That is exactly what we're watching on television right now. Except, she threw shit at seven different fans.

"This is real life." --JP
What a joke! This is a television show!

Listening to the boyZ bitch about this was one of the best things that has ever happened to this show.

The match of the night was Dentist versus Boy Dentist. First off, he makes her stand up and makes her chat, as he cooly sips on his mixed drink. And then, of course, she starts crying and he's over it.

Mickey on the other hand: not over it.
He asked her to send him home and blahblahblah. She says, "ok, pack your bags." And bam! He's on a boat. He ditches her and that up-do. See ya, up-do!

He's on a boat and the up-do is on a "jumbo floating restaurant," aptly named "Jumbo Kingdom."

The Dentist confronts the boyZ and starts bawling and says she just worded things wrong. Really? You mean you haven't been obsessing over some d-bag named Bentley? Oh, ok.
The boyZ fall for it. Everyone moves on.

"You'd have to be heartless to watch that and say, 'oh, I'm out of here.'" --Blake
Well, call me heartless.

"You sandbagging..." --Not Sure
You sandbagging what? Sandbagging what?!

Chris Harrison joins the up-do on the jumbo floating restaurant. The Dentist breaks down. Again. Chris is wearing a suit that looks really fancy-- almost like a tuxedo! Fancy, Chris!

The Dentist wants everyone to feel special. Chris tells her she's full of shit and an idiot. How can anyone take her seriously when she looks like she just got back from a winter formal at Gardner Junior High (SHOUT OUT)?

"Just be Ashley." --Chris
At this point, I would start giving her the advice to be anyone other than Ashley.

Do you think anybody watches Grey's Anatomy at War? There are so many commercials for Grey's Anatomy goes to Afghanistan. My word.

The Dentist gives a dumb speech.

Ames' arms looks really short. Why is he standing like that?!

Everyone gets a rose but boy dentist! The Colgate love fest is over! Pack your Sensodyne and leave the jumbo floating restaurant, Blake!

"I was fairly confident I'd be around next week." --Blake
Are you dying?

"I want someone I respect." --Blake
Not going to find that here.

"Basically, I just want a friend." --Blake
Try Facebook, moron.

The Dentist announces that she is taking the boyZ to Taiwan. Everyone acts as if they've never heard of Taiwan, there is no excitement after the announcement.

I will note though that maybe everyone is right, maybe Thailand was the perfect place to fall in love because no one said that during this episode.


* I'm not an expert and even I fall victim to grammatical mistakes.
** My degree is from the University of Arkansas, not Columbia or Northwestern, hence my mistakes.

Please do not take remarks of my knowledge to mean anything more than: 'dotdotdot' is incorrect and I'd like to correct her.

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