Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the bachelor:epi 3.

In walks Chris Harrison. Nice shirt. Chris warns us of the emotions we're all about to experience. You know, thank the good Lord for Chris Harrison and his guidance. He leaves the first date card with Babysitter Ashley.

So, Bach Brad comes over and says some super lame stuff. Example: "Is it a pool day?" Well, dude, they ARE all in the pool.

We're reintroduced to Crazy Ass Michelle (CAM).

"I'm not going to lie: I hate them." --CAM
Funny. I do too, but not as much as I hate you.

Bach Brad and the Babysitter head into the recording studio and sing to some...drumroll...SEAL. Yes, that Seal, not the animal. She says at one point, "My dad would be so jealous right now." Weirdsies. My dad wouldn't blink twice. I bet my dad's never even heard the painfully torturous, yet decent, "Kiss From a Rose." I wasn't sure how much I hated that song, or rather, how OVER that song I was until those two idiots started singing it. My word. I've never heard anything worse. It wasn't even funny. It was scary and sad. It was not "pleasure and pain." Zing!

Then, of course, Seal is obviously recording in the studio next door...because that's normal. Side note and FUN FACT: The song was originally recorded in 1992.

The Babysitter and the Bach go to dinner and the Babysitter really spills the beans. I have to be honest, it's a sad story. She's young. I'd be devastated to lose my father the way she did. Difference maker? I'd never go on this television show and talk about it. Another difference maker? My father loves me a great deal and we've never sang "Kiss From a Rose" at the top of our lungs together, to each other or even separately. Something is off.

Date card arrives and CAM announces to all of us just how pissed off she's going to be if she doesn't get a one-on-one date. Does anyone else feel like she talks in syllables?

The Babysitter gets the rose. Side note: All of these gUrls make the Bach "feel like himself." Which, throws me off, because, well. I don't know. Then, they dance and we are blessed by the vocal chords of Seal for the umpteenth time in 13 minutes. Thank you, Seal, for this gift.

All the "ladies" load up in a sketchy van and some of them are dressed like hookers at the gym. CAM says she doesn't like it. Newsflash: you've seen the show before. Get a grip.

"I'm an active guy...I love to get dirty. I want a wife that does the exact same thing." --Bach
Really? The EXACT same thing? I think that's weird.

Bach Brad shows us his acting skills again and we learn Brad and the gUrls are going to be filming an action-adventure movie. The only real problem with this is that there's very little action and even less adventure.

Alli really shows us what she's working with in that crop-top and mother's everywhere cried a little.

CAM starts to get really asinine when she proclaims, "I wish some of these people would kidnap these other girls, put a bag over their head and take them into the desert." Ok, come on. That's serious. And she wasn't even that great of an action-adventure actress.

The Babysitter and her play-pals are sitting around the living room in their bikinis (because that's normal) and we learn that BarbieEmily gets the one-on-one date. She shares with the other gUrls that she's scared to tell Bach Brad everything because after she does, "he might run for the hills." I had NO idea people still talked like that.

Back to the "movie." It's torture. I'd rather be listening to Seal on repeat again.

Of course there's a kissing scene and of course, CAM is upset. She even calls it "offensive" at one point.

Pool party!

Brad being the lil' cray-z that he is, jumped in fully-clothed! No, you didn't, boy!

The junior high basketball coaches came back.

"I really need to step it up." --Chantal O (as if there's another Chantal)

Chantal and Bach Brad have a moment and it's sweet and it's a tough subject, but...

BarbieEmily really steps up her game and tells all the gUrls back at the house her supersupersupersuper sad story. Tears are flowing, people are drinking and that gUrl, Madison, still has fangs.

Alli wants to be more aggressive and gives herself a half-time pep talk of sorts and right in the middle of her one-on-one time, CAM lurks in and just stands there staring at Alli and Bach Brad. Whoa, creepy. Calm the shit down. Lock. it. up. gUrl. Alli called her an evil bitch and I think she hit the nail on the head on that one.

CAM tells Brad about her daughter and immediately, I start praying for that poor, poor gUrl somewhere in Utah who has a mother in CAM. Then, the most awkward kiss ever happens.

"All you ladies need to pack your bags...he is mine. HE'S MINE." --CAM

"There are a few women that deserve the rose, I wish I had plenty of roses to give every single one. I just don't." --Bach Brad
Dear Brad, that's the premise of the show: you have to pick.

ABC took us for a ride on that one! Tricky editing, people! Shawntel gets the rose!

"I'm on a journey to hopefully fall in love." --Shawntel
Google maps.

"She's an itsy-bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa." --Megan, about Emily

Oh, ABC producers, you are a sorry group of bastards, aren't you? You know Emily's fiance and friends died in a plane crash. You know it was a private plane. And this is how you repay her? Sons of bitches. And poor Bach Brad, he's all giddy thinking Emily's never been on a private plane and shit. Come on.

The date is pretty awkward for a while. Emily's tough. She has her reasons, but then again, just get it together, gUrl, tell him or don't. Go on the "journey" or don't. No one forced you here. Well, to my knowledge no one forced you.

The Babysitter and the Vampire are chatting and we then learn a lot about the Vampire. She isn't a vampire at all! She actually seems cool and not like a dip-shit at all. Which leads me to believe she might be really, really funny and is just being a riot with those fake fangs and all.

Bach Brad and Barbie head into the barn and the elephant in the room takes a giant shit and Emily spills the beans. Brad seems to keep forgetting that he's about 14 years older than most of these gUrls and therefore, it's not that weird for a 24-year-old to have only been in love once.

Brad responds well. Clearly, the therapy has helped. But, boy has this dude gotten some crap thrown at him this entire epi.

Emily gets the rose.

Brad's therapist visits him and well, I have no comments to share on that matter.

Cocktail party time!

The Dentist is suffering from what Chris Harrison calls the "first date curse." She feels left out and forgotten about. And, in a matter of four minutes we heard the word "connection" about 19 times from 12 different people.

CAM interrupts Brad and show us some side boob and we learn about how bothered she is by Brad talking to, thinking about and looking at other gUrls. Seriously, gUrl, have you ever seen this show before? Ever? Once?

Brad let Chantal down and wants to give something back to her. It was coming from the heart when he said that.

All the "ladies" have figured out CAM's M.O. and then CAM tells Brad they are in a fight. I'm in a fight with her. I hope she ends up in a desert somewhere. Like, seriously. Brad is extremely confused and shares with us that he likes CAM. The Vampire, however, is having some issues. So, she takes her side boob and shares her feelings with Bach Brad. So much side boob.

The fangs come out (it's kind of like letting her hair down, I guess) and Madison doesn't feel good about being there. She's not necessarily there for the wrong reasons, but she sees that other "ladies" are risking a lot more than she is...or something. Anyway. She left and Brad doesn't really get it. But, that's not surprising. I think I've figured out he's not all that smart. Call me crazy.

The real fun begins and in a shocking twist, CAM gets the first rose. WTF, Bach? If you end up with her, your "very expensive" therapy is only going to get more costly and you're going to have to go on a daily basis rather than weekly.

He picks mostly brunettes and also two gUrls that I don't think even actually stay in that house because they weren't on the screen for longer than 30 seconds the whole epi.

"I have no regrets...there just wasn't that connection...F you, Brad." --Blonde gUrl, clearly she's not bitter.

So, we learned a lot this episode. Mostly, we learned that these gUrls have. some. baggage. I have baggage, we all have baggage. But, it's not the baggage that defines you, it's how you react to the baggage and where you choose to share your baggage.

Next week looks promising. If that word can even be uttered about this show that, to me, most episodes, is equivalent to water-boarding.

1 comment:

Ashley said...

i just wanna fast forward to the bitch fight and CAM getting a black eye... finally. (since i can't reach through the TV and do it myself)

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