Tuesday, June 5, 2018

the bachelorette :: becca : epi 2.

Becca is on her "first date since Arie" and I think there should be a moratorium on how many times she's allowed to say the word "Arie."

Say Arie again. 

Chrissy Poo arrives to tell the baby bois that Becca isn't here to mess around or take any shit from anyone. He called it advice but it wasn't very advice-y.


Itz group date time and guess what! The men have to wear tuxedos and compete in a Groomsday Obstacle Course. One contestant called it "a complete blindside." Which, he's either an idiot or the one man on earth who hasn't seen this play out before.

Becca is being joined by Rachel Lindsay and that guy that isn't Peter. And once again, ABC has missed out on not giving us what we really want from Rachel-- that damn dog, Copper.

The obstacles on the course all have stupid cliche wedding names, but more importantly, Rachel got to make a really inappropriate joke.

I'm not convinced that Male Model Jordan is a real person with real thoughts in his head. Chris, you know the guy with more teeth in his mouth than most of us, is getting more screen time than Becca and he was definitely that guy in class that asked a question right before the teacher was going to dismiss you. He just. keeps. talking. And then he talks some more.

Lincoln, the man with an accent I have yet to decipher, won the obstacle course, but he cheated. The cheating part only bothered me until Becca brought out an 8x10 of the moment and then Lincoln carried the damn thing around like it was an Olympic medal.

Lincoln got very aggressive while kissing Becca and he described it like "flying to the moon." It looked a little more like a riding lawn mower situation to me.

As the cocktail party progressed and the Young Republicans debated on telling Becca about Lincoln cheating or not, they also decided to take the photo of Lincoln and Becca and throw it into the pool. It was a bold move-- maybe a little over-the-top, but maybe just the right amount of Real World-Road Rules Challenge crazy.

Lincoln is v upset about the photo, but I'm not sure how upset because I cannot understand most of the words he says. Is he Dutch? His accent sounds like he's a fake prince on a Hallmark movie. His haircut says something else.

Of course, Lincoln decided to tell Becca that the photo was thrown into the pool. I think Lincoln is crying. He also feels threatened physically.

"I'm disappointed in Connor. That's a very aggressive reaction to have." -- Becca
Insert SNL's "Welcome to Hell" video here. 

Becca pulled Connor aside and told him it wasn't the best time to continue getting to know each other. Connor's take on it was simply, "I'm definitely not getting the rose." I wasn't paying attention to see who did get the rose. I didn't want to rewind because Lincoln is now crying about "that picture meant a lot to me."

I'm wondering if he grew up without photos or maybe doesn't understand digital photos and that that photo can be printed again. 


It's time for Becca's "first real date since I was engaged" and I'm going to need her to quit with the qualifiers. 

I like ugly sweaters, but this mean's sweater is like, actually ugly. This man's mother or sister should have stepped in during this packing situation. 

For Blake and Becca's 1-on-1 date they are going to tear some shit up with the help of... Lil' Jon. 

I AM SORRY, THIS IS THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US THE WORDS: Three, six, nine, damn your fine / Move it till you sock it to me one more time / Get low, get low (Get Low) get low (Get low) get low (Get low) and now he's here? LIL' JON, FIRE YOUR MANAGER. 

As Becca was in full Demo Day mode, Blake said he really liked how happy she was destroying shit. I mean, I get that, but also-- weird. She just got mad at a guy for throwing a photo in a pool and yeah, I don't understand anything. 

Oh guess what, this is Becca's FIRST ONE-ON-ONE SINCE SHE WAS ENGAGED TO ARIE. So, Lil' Jon, to answer your question, "turn down for what?" Becca clearly turns down for the phrase "since I was engaged."

Blake has decided to tell Becca about the time he read some texts on his ex's phone. Not cool, bro. Not cool. Becca ignores that part of his story and gives him the rose. No one ate their dinner.


It's time for another competitive group date and you know, those always bring out the best in grown men. It's a dodgeball date and one guy keeps pelting Becca. No one cares about dodgeball. We care that Fred Willard has obviously sold his soul to ABC and that Colton "dated" Tia, who is friends with Becca and also dated Arie.

BUT, GUESS WHAT? COLTON ALSO DATED ALY RAISMAN. And also, he said he spent a weekend with Tia. Is that dating? ALY RAISMAN IS A GOLD MEDALIST. You cannot compete with that. If I went on a date with a man who dated an Olympic curler I'd be done.

As for me and my house, we will always defer to Olympians.


After all that weird shit, it's time for the COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca just threw that one guy's photo into the pool, but again-- not important. MALE MODEL JORDAN is ready to rock that bod even though, he wants her to "fall for my personality." Jordan is now walking around the house in his underwear while holding his shirt over his shoulder.

Jordan rolled up on Becca in just his undies and it was weird. I mean, Time's Up, bro. This is harassment. Then, Jordan gave a weird speech about having fun, being wild, speeding and well-kept hair.

Jordan also wants a son named Jordan Jr. and a G-Wagon. But, you will be allowed to eat ice cream in his G-Wagon.

Chicken Man is upset that Jordan is walking around in briefs. He says it is disrespectful. Agreed. If Jordan walked into the bank in just his underwear they would call the cops.

Becca is talking with Colton about Tia again and like, who gives a shit? He seems like a sweet guy, but not only did he date Aly Raisman, he asked her out on Twitter. So, like-- maybe he really likes attention or needs attention because he's not playing football anymore? IDK, just saying.


In the end, Male Model and Tia's ex got a rose. Becca also told all the guys they are "amazing." FAKE NEWS.

Alex, a man with a terrible pocket square and a flag pin just broke down on national TV after not receiving a rose. I'm going to need 30 minutes on that guy ASAP.

Here's to next week. Or Jesus coming back.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

the bachelorette :: becca : epi 1.

Here we are. Season something or other, but much closer to something or is it the other?

Lord, be with Becca. Be with me. Help me to not feel angry while watching Becca look at photos of AriewhatshisJunior. Why are you looking at printed out photos? I print out photos and I haven't done that since 2016. No one is printing out photos to look at them and cry. That is what Instagram is for.

Becca just said she knows that this process works because she found love before. That doesn't seem right. For her, this "journey" is an absolute Winchester Mystery House. The doors lead to humiliation on national TV. Sure, take this money and this TV time and start an ah-mazing Etsy shop that sells water straight from one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, but don't look for love, gUrl. Meghan Markle just snagged that last unreachable Bachelor, unless you count Tim Tebow. And I don't.

Okay, so she's going to do this. And we're going to watch it.


Okkkkkkkur, Becca. A race car driver dumped you, so you said, I will not be like that one dumb idiot who drove her sad Civic ass up to the Bach mansion. You got yourself a Maserati.

And now, we change tone.

Why is Becca is talking to these Bs? Jo-Jo cannot be trusted. Rachel cannot be trusted. Kitty Kat cannot be trusted. Like, for real-- would you ever call your gUrl Jo-Jo up and be like, "we should sage this house, right?" Kaity Kat agreed and called the sage a "big doobie."


Now, it's time for the men to arrive and Chrissy Poo has inappropriately called these guys "America's most eligible bachelors." Maybe he truly means eligible, and most as in desperate.  So, he should've said, "America's most desperate bachelors."

The background packages on these fellows are not that interesting. However, I didn't know that one could just own a grocery store in 2018 and I have a lot of questions for him.

This Colton guy was Aly Raisman's boyfriend. I'm sorry, you dated a national hero. If you aren't good enough for her, THIS IS DEFINITELY THE PLACE FOR YOU.


Chrissy Poo is really mailing it in these days.

Chrrisy Poo: "You're the Bachelorette."
Becca: "I know."

After 3,912 seasons, it's hard to have a memorable limo exit. Or entrance. Which is it?

As I type this I don't remember any of these guys or what they said. Minus the guy who pulled up in a hearse.


Finally, it's time for these bros to get inside and start talking shit to each other and about each other. That male model's rant about loafers with no socks should be given to men everywhere.

Becca walked in gave some lame speech that ended with, "let's get this party started." Pretty sure P!nk said that first, gUrl.

This big burly football player has a strange voice that sounds like it's going to crack at any moment. Or maybe he really needs to clear his throat.

Imagine finding out that your son is going on national TV to try and meet his wife. You settle in with your friends and family, only to see your grown ass son dancing around on TV in a chicken suit. Any good mom would yank his ass off this show immediately. BECCA NEEDS A MAN.

Is Becca the cheesiest lady in all the land? She played basketball for approximately 6 minutes and then said, "I'm having a ball right now."

Is Johnny Manziel on this show?

Johnny Football and Becca have so much in common. They even have both said, "if I can love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I can love the right person." I think that's more scary than enlightening. WHAT OTHER SHIT ARE YOU GOING TO FALL INTO AND BE TRICKED BY?!

Chicky Chick runs a private equity fund?

Snap. This male model keeps talking about playbooks and game plans. But, he's not even the worst.


We've got a supposed villain already.

Supposedly a grown ass woman texted another grown ass man and said, "all he does is hang out with boys and he's looking to revamp his marketing company. He's not here for the right reasons."

To me, that sounds like a guy with a lot of friends and a great work ethic.

So, Chase, the villain, says he only dated gUrl for like, a month. Now, he's off his game, but he wants to get ahead of it. Now, he's sitting down with Becca and the guy who got the text.

Kick both these idiots off the show.

Honestly, this sounds like a very long text message.

Because of this text message, Becca wants to get with Jake and figure out "exactly why" he is here. They run in the same Minnesota circle and Becca is weirded out because he never showed any interest in her back in Minnesota, but I'm like-- none of my friends listened to Prince until he died.

Jake is wearing a tux and he pointed at her and tried to like, touch her heart. Also, Jake is kind of a weirdo because he keeps saying he only remembers meeting her once, but she remembers meeting him several times. Becca is kicking this guy out even though he's had a "very transformative year."

Jake's reaction is pretty great, "that's sad to hear."

Boy, bye.

Jake seems like a headcase and Becca made a great decision.


Becca has put the fear of God into these bros by sending the most f***ing romantic guy home.

Garrett gets the first impression rose, which is interesting because I don't remember him at all. But, whatever.

It's finally time for the rose ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca tells the guys, "if you don't get a rose tonight, it's not because you aren't amazing."

This is her taking a video of her kid doing something terrible and still saying, "you're doing great, sweetie!"

How does she remember their names? That's a question I've always had on the first night of this show. Some of them are so nervous about meeting her that they don't even say their name!

This long-haired dude has a great way of describing his fellow contestants. He doesn't go for the obvious frat daddy line, but "a sea of highway patrol officers." The male model and the other guys are very concerned that the chicken guy has gotten a rose and they haven't.

FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guy who said the other guy was there for the wrong reasons got a rose, but the guy who is supposedly there for the wrong reasons did NOT. Are you following?

Kamil, the social media participant is really embarrassed, like really embarrassed. I would be too, bro. Because isn't everyone a social media participant these days?

Becca is hopeful, I am not.

Here's to the beginning of the end of Becca's "unbelievable romantic adventure."

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