the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 7.

What a week in America. And now. This.

The drama continues. Starting right now.

Shawn is still up in Kaitlyn's hotel room and he straight up asks, "are you in love with me?"
That answer isn't suitable.

Kaitlyn keeps trying to figure out what happened that made Shawn act like a crazy ex-girlfriend. She thinks he knows, but he doesn't know. HE IS JUST CRAY.

"I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. A VERY HARD TIME." -- SHAWN
"I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS." -- SHAWN

Finally, after exchanging very few words the two makeout.

Kaitlyn feels guilty. NOT BECAUSE OF THE SEX'N.
Because of the relationships.

Kaitlyn spends some time over-looking the hotel landscaping and Shawn contemplates life on the stoop, while Nick takes a lap with a guy I have never seen before. Tanner?

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So, what is this two-on-one date?

Did that boat meet one single government safety standard? There's just no way.

Joe knew KaityKat could feel the passion.

Look at that beach. No wonder Irish people aren't tan.

"You're one in a million." -- Joe
It's like he read a book of cliches on the plane ride over. 

There are 322 million people in the U.S. alone. Half of those are probably women and maybe half of those are somewhere in Joe's age range. You're one in a million isn't really a compliment. He should've said, "You're one in 86,876,653 million" to be more realistic. Now, KaityKat is just thinking about all those other women and comparing herself. Oh. Isn't she Canadian? Yeah. Makes it even worse.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn aside and tell her that he is divorced because he cheated on his wife.

So. What friend told JJ, "Hey. Been a rough couple of years-- you cheated on your wife, lost your job, moved in with your parents-- why don't you go on TV?" No. No. No.

Kaitlyn promptly kicked JJ off and told she Joe she wanted to get to know him a little more.

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Shawn is still fah-reaking out, but now he's on a park bench. Has he been outside all day?

Has anybody ever told this guy anything before? I mean, you tell him, "you have the best shoes!" and now, he literally thinks he has the best shoes of anyone.

"You are the sweetest!" and now,  he absolutely believes no one is sweeter.

Shawn needs to wrap his shit up and take a Xanax.

Joe comes back with a rose, says one sentence and Shawn gets up and leaves. HE IS NOT STABLE.

So, he takes his feelings right back to KaityKat's hotel room.

What's this guy like after a real first date? He flies you home for the second date to meet grandpa on his death-bed? FIND YOUR CHILL, BRO.

Kaitlyn is alone in her hotel room crying again. She has to be a little annoyed, right? Or just like, tired?

KaityKat is still convinced that Shawn knows about the sex. BUT, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.
WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE DOES KNOW.

Kaityln and Shawn talk and I FF'd through a lot. Shawn wants her more than anything.

"It worries me that Shawn needs all this reassurance." -- KaityKatYeah, that's a lot of hard convos in real life. 

Like, every morning, "Shawn, I love you the most. Yes, THE MOST. Forever. Yes, forever plus infinity, Shawn!"

------

ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn realizes she's done some done shit.

She sex'd it up AND told bros they were the one. She's more upset about telling bros they are the one.

Kaitlyn's heart is still open and she just wants to toast to that.

Nick gets his alone time with Kaitlyn. Nick feels SO GOOD about the week.

Kaitlyn wants to make sure that, even though the day and night was perfect, Nick ain't sex'n and telling. Nick is like, SO OFFENDED by this. Nick also lies. Nick says he didn't do anything but say he had a great time. BUT, HE DID SAY HE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE. HE TOLD EVERYONE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE.

HE DID SAY THAT.
HE DID.

From last week: Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."

Nick is crying because he is an over-confident guy. 

"Can I kiss you?" -- Nick
Yes, PLEASE." -- KaityKitty

Kaitlyn no longer has ANY concerns. 

Meanwhile, Shawn is watching that fire burn. 
I hope he's considering putting that blue tuxedo in it. 

Like, there's no way he thinks that blue tuxedo is spot-on. Not for this anyway. Maybe for some low-budget MTV awards show. Not this. 

Kaitlyn tells Shawn she regrets sneaking around and telling him secrets. 

ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT FIGHTING AND UPS AND DOWNS. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT.

Kaitlyn knows she messed everything up by talking to Shawn, because clearly, Shawn can't handle his shit. Like, he would ruin a bag of shit. Can you imagine letting him handle something other than a bag of shit?

------

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

I am supposed to believe that Shawn is not getting a rose.

Shawn gets the rose.


Ben Z. is leaving. HE JUST DOESN'T OPEN UP TO PEOPLE VERY OFTEN.

Like, who walks around and is like, "BAGGAGE! BAGGAGE FOR SALE!"

I think Ben Z. probably feels like he's dodged a bullet at this point, right? Right.

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ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Everyone but Jerad has to ride in a giant bus called the PaddyWagon. Everyone wants to "take a road trip with someone you really like." And Jerad gets to do it.

Kaitlyn isn't a great driver and so, if they can get through they can get through anything.

The couple takes a lot of selfies an Jerad just feels like he's on a road trip with his gUrlfrand who had sex with another man 3 days ago. : (


Jerad and Kaitlyn head to the Blarney Stone and give it some kisses for luck.
Then, Jerad drops KaityKitty off at her castle, her "legit castle."


Jerard thinks they are both transparent. : (

Kaitlyn thinks she has finally made it through the day and over the hump, WHEN OMG CHRISSYPOO HARRISON KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. 

"WHAT NOW?" -- KAITLYN

Chris explains to Kaitlyn that she has basically ruined this entire process-- even without the sex. She tells Chris mostly everyone. 

"I just really regret it." -- Kaitlyn
"Oh...that's good..." -- ChrissyPoo
Give that guy a medal.

Chris lets KaityKitty know that they are switching up the order of things. Next week, everyone gets some off-camera time with her before hometowns. The playing field needs to be even, because right now a bulldozer couldn't get Kaitlyn's field out of this mess. She needs an expert road crew. Like, all the highway departments. All the "slow" road sign holders in America. 

Chris explains to the bros that Kaitlyn can't be trusted, so the rules have changed. There will be hometowns, but not until they have all had the opportunity to see her naked. What's fair, is fair. 

Shawn does NOT like this hurdle. 

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The Dentist and Kaitlyn head out for their one-on-one and HERE COMES THAT HELICOPTER. 

Chris seems like a sweet guy, but he's like really into holding hands and personal space. 

Now, this is one helicopter ride ABC got right. A helicopter ride over the Cliffs of Moher would be pretty insane. 

Chris thinks this could end up being the biggest day of his life. This is as close to magic as he's ever been. (Should we tell him magic isn't like, real? Or nah?)

Kaitlyn asks Chris if he wants to stay in Nashville. He picked Nashville, in part, because it's a great place to raise kids. That's something a lot of young single bros do. Right?

At this point, Kaitlyn is ready to spill the beans. She starts crying and is trying to tell Chris some stuff and be honest and then he literally spend the next 3 minutes about half-an-inch away from her face. 

Chris describes his time on the show as "joy and terror." 
Almost nailed it. 

If I'm trying to have a hard conversation with someone, I appreciate comfort, but like, I NEED YOU TO GET OUT MY GRILL, OKAY? BACK IT ON UP. 

Kaitlyn has promised herself that she is not going to lead anybody on and Chris just needs to know more. 
THE MORE IS THAT YOU NEED TO PACK YOUR SHIT UP AND LEAVE, CHRIS. Get your toothbrush, your toothpaste and that cupcake mobile and get on outta here. 


"I would much rather know now than next year or in 20 years. She deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's read to find that right now." --Chris

"She's a mess." -- Chris
NAILED IT. AND HE DON'T EVEN KNOW YET. 

I've been through some hard stuff in my life. I've watched my friends go through some really hard stuff. 

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE CRY THIS HARD IN MY LIFE. 

Ever. 

HE TOOK THAT SCARF AND USED IT LIKE A DAMN SNOT RAG. 

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 6.

We pick up where we left off in beautiful San Antonio, Texas. The Europe of Texas!

Ian is still mad. He is so over poop jokes he can't even think deep. Ian thinks Kaitlyn is a surface-level person and he needs her to be a big ole cry baby or this is it. They are not in it for the same reasons and he's ready to walk. Her blood is boiling and she is "super offended."

If you can describe yourself as "super offended" you are likely very mature and deep.

Anyway. Ian walked. Then, he got in the Suburban of Doom and talked about being "deep" about 247 times.

Then he said, "oh man, I need to have sex." : (

Nick runs to KaityKat's rescue and lets her know that he saw that Ian convo coming. He wants to be deep, but he wants to be goofy, too.

"I want to be the one person who knows you inside and out." -- Nick
That sounds like a bad Old Navy commercial. 

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ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

The bros head out to the Alamo (REMEMBER?) and I can only imagine how much differently that story would have turned out if Davy Crockett had these guys in his unit. Picture a giant Texas-shaped hole in the United States.

CHRISSY POO HARRISON WEARING THE MOST MACY'S LABOR DAY SPECIAL SUIT AND TIE COMBO EVER.

That one guy didn't get a rose and I think he didn't get one because Kaitlyn didn't know his name. I don't know his name either.

Then, that guy with his haircut and his Men's Wearhouse vest got sent back to welding school.

It's like all these guys loaded up in a van and hit up that 1 for 19 sale at Jos. A. Bank. Everyone but that dentist guy. He shops at the same place HIllary Clinton gets her suits.

The boys are headed to Dublin! And I can only imagine that there's a lot of dark beer in their future.

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This is the first time Joe has been out of the country and he thinks going on a one-on-one date would be " a lot of fun."

"Kaitlyn is just a pot of gold." -- Dentist Guy
Shit. Come on, man.

"I've wanted to go to Ireland for about 10 years. It's very green." -- Dentist Guy
Oh. 

"We're in Europe right now!" -- Jerad
It's obvious these people know nothing about Ireland. 


Nick has 10 minutes to get ready for his one-on-one date.

"Luck of the Irish!" -- Nick

You would think these guys could've looked at Wikipedia on the flight over, right? Just a quick run-through of facts about Ireland? No. There's no time. Only cliches.

-----

Nick describes the park where they are-- there are families and dogs. And one sexy gUrl.

Nick and Kaitlyn can't keep their hands off of each other.

NICK WENT SHOPPING ON THE SET OF AN OLD AVRIL LAVIGNE VIDEO.

KaityKat is really scared of birds, so walking around in a park like this is basically an episode of "Fear Factor."

The cliches just keep on rolling in like a bunch of damn potatoes and Nick and Kaitlyn do an Irish jig in the street.

I'm imagining Nick choosing those green pants because he thought someone would pinch him if he didn't wear green all day. : (

Nick bought matching rings for the two of them. They're just walking down the street and then Nick threw her up against a wall and kissed her. Then, they kiss in front of a Kay's Jeweler. Then, they went to a pub and he put his hand up her shirt while ordering a whiskey.

NICK IS DRESSED LIKE HE'S IN A CREED VIDEO, IF CREED WAS STILL MAKING VIDEOS IN 2015.

Do we even address the boyz in the hotel? I mean, we all know what is happening. ABC PRODUCERS, SAVE YOUR EDITING TRICKS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. 

Nick and KaityKat head to dinner in an old church. Nick's outfit is enough to send me over the Cliffs of Moher (look it up on Wikipedia).

I feel like he beat up several 6th grade boys on the way to a school dance to piece his outfit together. Are his pants too tight to tuck his shirt in? Why wear a tie if you aren't going to tie it?

So, Kaitlyn is glad Nick has done this before (WHAT?), but she's worried everyone else is judging him for it (DUH).

Nick goes on this rant about how he's just concerned with being himself.

NOTE: Normal, decent people rarely have to give speeches about how they don't need to be liked, they just need to be true to themselves. Think about the best person you know-- they have never given you some shitty speech about "just doing me." You know why? Only shitty people have to use that excuse for their behavior. Only shitty people have to "do me."

Kaitlyn really likes Nick.

"...at the same time, I just believe in...everything." --Kaitlyn
Believing in everything is a sure-fire sign of being a deep thinker. 

So, at this point ABC has really done it. These two are going to town in an old church and finally Kaitlyn gives Nick his rose and they go at it some more.

Eventually, the two head back to her hotel where they shut the door and do things most people in their situation would do in the back of a car in a movie.  This is a family blog (just meaning-- my family reads it), so no details will be shared. There was heavy breathing. And I don't think they were lifting weights.

The next morning there is a lot of shame and maybe a bit of regret on the part of Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn says they "deserved" that time together. That's a weird word to use to describe the situation. Especially as the camera shows one of the parties involved talking to themselves expressing how bad they feel and the other is shown doing a walk of shame. If that's what your relationship deserves...WHOA.

I mean, now...Kaitlyn is talking about how she is hoping Nick won't sex and tell. She says this over and over and over and over again. Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."

Here's the deal-- adults have sex after dates all the time. Hopefully, they aren't doing it on TV, while dating several other adults at once. Usually ends poorly for most parties involved. If KaityKat thinks sexin' it up with her suitors is a good idea, she thinks it's a good idea. Not sure what else to say about it other than I HOPE HER GRANDMOTHER DOES NOT OWN A TV. I HOPE HER MOM AND DAD DISCONNECT THE INTERNETS.

AND I PRAY A CHILD DOES NOT COME OUT OF THIS HOTEL MEETING. You sure as hell know these two would name that baby Ireland and call him/her "Dubs" as a nickname for the rest of his/her life. 

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It's time for the group date and everyone is talking about someone being dead or something.

Like a total cheese ass, ChrissyPoo Harrison meets the boyz in the street and says, "I regret to inform you that the worst has happened. Kaitlyn is dead."

You see, what he had meant to say is-- KAITLYN IS ABOUT TO BE DEAD TO YOU, BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY DID IT WITH THAT OTHER GUY LAST NIGHT. 

So, I guess this date is a fake funeral/wake. 

Listen, no one wants to attend their own funeral more than I do. 

This is weird. 

So, I fast forwarded through the coffin scenes. 

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben Z. needs KaityKat to know that today was "super hard." 

I mean, what's more hilarious than a fake funeral?! Especially for a guy who's mom died. 

Jerad gets some time with Kaitlyn and it's all "honest" and "honest." Has he been honest about his job at Denny's or did he play it up like he manages some restaurant he inherited from his billionaire grandpa?

Everyone is all "don't talk about Nick."

Shawn gets some alone time with Shawn and describes the casket as "it was funny." Now, he wants to show some pictures of his family to her!!!!!!!!!!

The producers got into his sister's Instagram account 15 minutes ago and printed off these pics for him. What a treat! What a moment!

Kaitlyn loves the photos so much she wants to keep them! 

(Weird.)

They do some kissing. 

Shawn feels really good. Very confident. He's never been more confident. 

BUMMER. 

Jerad gets the rose. 

KaityKat whisks Jerad off to a church for some alone time. 

The Cranberries are there ready to sing "Linger" for the 1,345,765 time in their life. 

In 20 years, this will Carly Rae Jepsen and a whole new generation of gUrls will feel the way I feel. 

Sad. : (

Jerad says this is Kaitlyn's FAVORITE BAND.

I AM CALLING BULLSHIT SO HARD ON THAT ONE. 

No one's favorite band is the Cranberries. It's 2015. 

Back at Guinness World Headquaters SHAWN IS FLIPPING HIS SHIT.

He has pulled his producer aside...

"Man-to-man, friend-to-friend, are you going to tell me she wants Jerad over me? Do you not know what we have? She came to my room for 6 or 7 hours and said 'you're the one. you're it.' What, she's going to get to the fantasy suite and bang two other dudes? ... Trust is the thing... I'm about to cry." -- Shawn

Shawn, woman-to-man, you signed up for this shit and she already banged a dude in a hotel room.

Shawn decided to go to Kaitlyn's hotel room because her words don't match her actions.

"She's ruining everything we have." -- Shawn

: (

THIS IS THE MOMENT IN THE SHOW THAT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

SHE THINKS HE KNOWS, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW, HE'S JUST UPSET.

SHE'S ABOUT TO SAY, "Well, what are you talking about?"

AND HE'LL BE ALL, "Wait. What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I thought you were made because I had sex with Nick."

"No, I'm mad because you said you wanted that picture of my niece and then you took Jerad for one-on-one time. WHAT."

Garry Marshall couldn't write this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 5.

I missed last week because of my 9 to 5 and I'm not even mad.

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Am I a cool chick or an amazing woman? I don't even know. I don't think I'd care if I was labeled, but "cool woman" does sound off, so Nick has something going for his phrasing.

I love it when a man says he isn't doing something for the drama. Any man who has ever even thought that statement, much less said it out loud is about 29 steps below me. And I mean that.

I guess it's time for a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn just has to trust her heart. She really wants this to work.

JJ and KaityKitty ran the bases and then I quit paying attention for 5-7 minutes.

That one guy-- Shawn? doesn't want to say Nick's name. He's not going to lower himself to say it. Can you imagine? KaityKitty assures Shawn that Nick isn't going to take away from their relationship.

"I just hope you're smarter." -- Shawn
Zing! 

One said if he didn't get a rose it'd be like getting stabbed in the heart.
Nick compared not getting a rose to a "sting."

Clearly, someone is more invested in this situation.

Nick gets a rose. No one got stabbed.

Everyone needs a coat.

------

After the ceremony, Kaitlyn lets the group know they are going on a trip...somewhere she has ALWAYS wanted to go... San Antonio, Texas! Hot damn! Can you imagine? What's next Saint Louis? Maybe Birmingham?

Kaityln is ready for a fun date and NO MORE DRAMA (Shout out, Mary J. Blige!). She gets an old ass truck and picks up Ben H. She also says "Ben H." about 47 times.

Kaitlyn and Ben H. (BEN H.) head to Gruene Hall for some dancin'! Kaitlyn called Gruene a honky tonk, so. That's wrong.

There's an old lady there and she is wearing floral and loves dancing. They are not great dancers. They do not win.

It's time for dinner on a rooftop!

Ben H. was in a long distance relationship from the very beginning and he's not super comfortable sharing that information.

"Where did she live?"
"I'm not comfortable sharing that."
"Okay."

I'm a little confused by this conversation. He's ready, he's not ready. He hates FaceTiming?

------

GROUP DATE TIME.

A Mariachi band greets the gang and I fast forwarded. I guess everyone has to write a song. A Mariachi song?

That Ian guy is like, UP IN THIS.

How many times can we watch people write a song on this show?This is the group date challenge every third time. We're going to skip this.

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GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn thinks the guys trust her and her decisions. : (

Joshua, the industrial welder, has set up a haircutting station for KaityKitty. Worst decision of his life. And what a weird way to spend a date.

"gUrl, I wanna show you how much I trust you. Go ahead and ruin my hair."

The guys just sit around and talk about Nick. Nick just spends his time making out with Kaitlyn. Nick is winning.

Joshua confronts Nick and starts off by saying, "this is goofy."

Now, Joshua has decided to TAKE HER TO CHURCH. (Get it?)

"He feels wrong." -- Joshua
"Everyone is lying to my face." -- Kaitlyn
"Ohhhhh, oh my goodness. Ohhhh. Uhhhhhh. Ohhhh. I don't know." -- Joshua

Kaitlyn doesn't understand what is happening. The guys know what is happening. They are mad.

Kaitlyn is ready to rumble.

Kaitlyn confronts everyone and asks them if they are being honest. They all say, "Oh, yes! Yes!" Then, KaityKitty calls out Joshua again and now everyone is mumbling.

"WHAT AM I MISSING?" -- KaityKitty

"I hope these guys aren't going to leave me out to dry here." -- Joshua
CRICKETS.

"Wait. We were just talking about how goofy this felt!" -- Joshua
Maybe use a stronger word. 

"I am not kidding around. I am looking for a husband." -- Kaitlyn
So. Nick gets the rose. 

IDK.

------

Shawn B. is ready for his one-on-one deep in the heart of Texas!

These two are going to kayak down the San Antonio river/ Riverwalk.

Kaitlyn compared it to Europe. : (

Later, the two ditch the kayaks and spend the afternoon in their bathing suits along the Riverwalk. Now, I've been to San Antonio numerous times. I have never seen anyone in a bathing suit along the Riverwalk. Maybe I was in the wrong part, but. No.

"I just want people to trust me." -- Kaitlyn
Well, don't be a friggin' idiot. 

This guy seems sweet and honest, but maybe not a scholar. You know?

So, Shawn was in a car wreck a few years ago. Luckily, he was wearing his seatbelt.  Kaitlyn gets this information and I'm sure she was just in shock, but she kind of giggled. But, to make up for the giggling she starts stroking his hair.

The music in the background makes it seems like his dad murdered his whole family and now he's just on this show. The music gets happier and they start kissing.

Shawn has really let his guard down by talking about his car wreck. I mean, no offense to those who have been in car wrecks, but talking about a car wreck is not letting your guard down. Sharing about how your grandpa kicked your dad out of the house and then your dad beat you and now you are here is more of a "letting your guard down" type of story.

I guess I'm judging a person by the cover of their "let your guard down" story.

Fireworks. Blahblahblah.

-----

So. Now, it's the Ian show.

"Women like me. I don't think that's ever been an issue for me." -- Ian
Love a humble man. 

The only person who will have a conversation with Ian is Nick. This is telling.

"I don't think something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with her." -- Ian
Oh. 

Ian just compared his impending confrontation with Kaitlyn to the last stand at the Alamo. : (


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PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS THAT DENTIST WEARING.

IF CHARTREUSE JACKET BOY WALKS IN NEXT TO A GUY IN KHAKIS AND A BLAZER, I'M ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS. A LOT. ALL OF THE QUESTIONS.

"I'm not here to play games." -- KaityKitty

"I want to toast to honesty." -- KaityKitty
Oh. Is that something you toast to?

Kaitlyn takes Jerad to her room and she must have no idea that he works at an Applebee's.

Ian's patience has run out.

Ian lists all of his accomplishments, skills and high-points.

"I am a very eligible bachelor. In this country and in this world." --Ian
Saying you're VERY ELIGIBLE basically means you are VERY SINGLE.

So, to all the men reading this: I AM A VERY ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTE.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is just kissing everyone.

Finally, Ian gets his one shot. (Can't you just hear Eminmen in the background?)

"It's difficult for me to hang around a bunch of guys making poop jokes." -- Ian
Actually, that sounds pretty shitty.

Ian explains how deep he is. He wanted to meet a really desperate sad gUrl and instead got KaityKitty. Ian thinks KaityKitty just wants to make out with boys.

"I don't question his intentions, I question your intentions. I really see you as a surface-level person. I wonder if you're really that shallow, because I don't see anything beyond the surface." -- Ian
Can you imagine a person you've barely had a conversation with say that to you?

If it looks like a duck...

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 3.

What?

Is this Kupah guy for real? Even if this guy is wasted, it's very odd behavior. And I've seen a lot of different drunk people in my life.

Kaitlyn went through many different emotions during the Kupah experience.

"I was angry and I was even more angry." -- Kaitlyn
Technically, that's one emotion.

This rose ceremony is weird and I think these producers have reached the end of all the television ideas based on the first 5 minutes alone.

-----

It's group date time and the boys are going to do some sumo wrestling.

Seriously?

I'm not a busy person, like, I'm busy, but I have free-time. However, I do not have time for this. No one does.

Any group date that features this many blurred out butts is pretty bad. Kaitlyn thinks they are sexy.

Some of the little tiny men try to wrestle the real sumo wrestlers and it's like watching Michael Jordan play my dad in basketball.

Tony gives it a shot and fah-reaks out. He walks and Kaitlyn follows. He doesn't like showing aggression, he wants to do something peaceful and loving.

"I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy." -- Tony
Honestly? Terrible combination. 

Tony just wants to have a date with non-violence. He wants to connect in other ways.

"Can we not just take a boat ride?" -- Tony

JJ decides to join the convo as he drinks his beer out of a tall stemless wine glass.

Can we get a breakdown on these guys' tattoos? Every one of them has a weird shoulder tattoo.

Kaitlyn realizing that Tony is experiencing real emotions and knows that she offended him, BUT HE OFFENDED HER. SO, BITCH DON'T PLAY.

Old Spice Guy takes Tony away and Kaitlyn joins them.

"I have worked very hard on advancing my emotions and I can't revert back to my primal instincts." -- Tony
He sounds like a dinosaur. 

Kaitlyn tells Tony to hit the showers.

"I want to show you the inside of me." -- Tony
I think he means that literally. Like, he wants to show her his insides.

Kaitlyn has arranged an "exhibition" for the boys to wrestle each. I don't think she knows what an exhibition is.

The boys arrive at the exhibition on bikes while wearing robes.

I sincerely hope these people in attendance did NOT pay to watch this. Right? Explain that to your accountant.

Kaitlyn puts on one of the diapers and "wrestles" the 400-pound guy. He picks her up and slings her around a bit. PEOPLE ARE LOVE'N THIS AND I WONDER IF THEY HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR FAMILY THAT CARE ABOUT THEM. Or, maybe they were served a lot of free alcohol.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME.

Tony meets up with Kaitlyn and tells her he can NO LONGER PARTICIPATE IN THIS CIRCUS.

Amen, Tony! I mean...he is kind of right. These dates don't really allow anyone to get to know anyone. And it's kind of a farce.

"If you want to see what is inside of my heart, I am easily found." -- Tony
Do you think he just means he's on Facebook?

Clint decides to play hard to get and tells JJ he's going to hang back a bit. JJ says, "I don't think you should do that." Clint says it's her move. Terrible tactics there, son.

At one point, Kaitlyn sat down on the couch in Clint's arm crevice and he totally turned his face away from her and smirked.

THIS IS WHERE THE PRODUCERS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US THINK THAT HE IS GAY AND IN LOVE WITH JJ.

Sean B. gets about 12 seconds with KaityKat, plants a kiss on her and lands the rose.

This is exhausting.

------

ChrissyPoo invites KaityKat and Ben Z. on a date.

The two arrive at a warehouse, where ChrissyPoo meets them and tells them there's a code to get out. The basement is actually a dark room filled with fake blood, fake throw-up, maggots and various serpents. The bedroom decor reminds me of "13 Going on 30," but that could be because it was just on E! this weekend like, 6 times. IDK.

They have 45 minutes to figure out clues and get out OR THEY WILL DIE IN THIS GAS CHAMBER.

KaityKat freaks out over a bird and it's all shit from there.

At one point, they kiss.

DO NOT WORRY-- ABC DID NOT KILL THESE TWO IN A GAS CHAMBER.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. GAS CHAMBERS ARE HILARIOUS.
The Holocaust was over 70 years ago and fake gas chambers on dating shows are still not acceptable.

KaityKat ordered some pizza for Ben Z. and invited him over to her place.

Ben Z. thinks it means they have chemistry and forgot that ABC is in charge and they told her to invite him over for pizza.

Kaitlyn asks Ben Z. if he's afraid of snakes, he says no, so then she asks if he wants kids.

"I think I'm an emotional guy. I'm a real emotional guy, but it's all in here [points at head]." -- Ben Z. 
Where else do emotions live, Ben Z.?

This is kind of a weird story, but Ben Z. says he didn't cry the day his mom died and it's the only regret he has in life and he hasn't cried in 11 years. KAITYKAT, YOU BETTER RUN. RUN FAST.

A man that is clearly afraid of snakes, lies to your face about it and then says he didn't cry the day his mom died, needs a shit ton of therapy.

The two of them hit the hot tub and Ben Z. has a terrible shoulder tattoo. It looks like some kind of Spanish flag with warrior wings on it. Do warriors have wings?

Ben Z. gets the rose.

-------

It is time for the group date and KaityKat and this group of BroDudes are going to teach Sex-Ed at an elementary school. Approximately 19 seconds in, I hoped and prayed these children were child actors.

They were child actors. This was ridiculous.

Back at the house, JJ and Clint are CUDDLE BUGGIN' and playing in the pool. They talk about some sort of shower they supposedly took together and ABC is runnin' the Bullshit Express right now. All aboard.

Back at the school, these guys haven't even considered that no 8-year-old would ever ask a stranger these questions. You know how gUrls are always saying, "I can't." Well, I can't.

-----

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME.

Joshua sits Kaity down and tells her that he was really shy in high school.

If you have 5-10 minutes alone with a gUrl and you're fighting for this chick's attention amongst a dozen other suitors-- don't talk about high school. (THAT'S FREE ADVICE, Y'ALL.)

That other Ben takes Kaitlyn to the top of a building and calls her "girlfriend." That was quick, because I didn't know who he was until 4 minutes ago.

We head back to the hot tub with Clint and JJ where they are talking about how much they love turtles. 

Kaitlyn finally gets some time with that guy who manages an Applebee's and she thinks his black eye is really hot.

Kaitlyn thinks "everything" Jerad does makes him sexy. Am I even a gUrl? I don't see it. I mean, he doesn't seem terrible, but sexy and stuff? IDK. IDK.

Ben H. gets the rose, because expectations.

I have such low expectations for everyone on this show.

Jerad is very upset.

------

ROSE CEREMONY PRE-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

KaityKat gives a weird speech about husbands and friction.

This Clint-JJ thing is absolutely absurd.

Clint steals Kaitlyn away and apologizes for the way he has been acting, BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE IS SAYING ALL OF THIS TO GET MORE TIME IN THE HOUSE WITH HIS NEW LOVE, JJ.

ABC, YOU HAVE FOOLED ME. I TOTALLY THINK CLINT IS IN LOVE WITH JJ.

Clint tells JJ he's cute and has a great jawline.

OH MY GOSH. THIS IS SO BELIEVABLE.


I wish I was at an Applebee's right now.