Tuesday, May 26, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 2.

So, Kaitlyn apologizes to no one for nothing and that house is stocked with a lot of vegetables and a lot of fruit. That being said, I missed about 27 minutes of the show because of severe weather. I was kind of hoping the cable would just completely go out, but it didn't.

I joined the show about the time Kaitlyn was "genuinely concerned" about Jerad. I tried to join right in, but some guy started crying when he talked about his mom cooking all the meals, so I just skipped it all.


Kaitlyn takes Clint on a date in her late '80s Mercedes. I think it's supposed to be vintage, but I don't know much about vintage things.

Apparently, underwater photo shoots are "all the rage," so that is what is happening today.

"Hopefully, we'll have a good connection." -- Clint
Because, there's no better place to chat and get to know someone than underwater. 

Back at the house we learned what love is about and what love isn't about. It's not about beating someone's ass, but it is about discussion.

Kaitlyn's biggest struggle during the photo shoot is not being able to plug her nose. Can you imagine being underwater and not being able to plug your nose? How hard is life?

"That was different because I've never had a first kiss underwater." -- Kaitlyn

At the end of the day, Kaitlyn is just looking for a best friend to make out underwater with. And guess what? That's what Clint is looking for, too.

"You're exactly what I'm looking for." -- Kaitlyn


Kaitlyn takes the guys on a group date to an improv show/club where Amy Schumer is waiting.

Amy has the guys tell the best joke they know and they are all jokes a child would tell during an elementary school lunch.

Image Source: ABC Press 

Everyone is focusing on that dentist's shirt. It is a weird color.

JJ, the former investor banker, is super into this date. Also, we learn that he is divorced with a child and lives with his parents.

That's why he is carrying that title around. His mom told him to tell everyone that.

The dentist is really nervous and his jokes sucked, so he just unbuttoned his shirt. Kaitlyn called it "endearing."

Finally, it is Tony's turn. He's so excited he could gag.
First time I've ever heard that one.

Tony starts his set off by giving a speech about thankfulness and gratitude. He never told a joke.

JJ's set must have killed it, because we got to see one joke.



"I'm a love virgin." -- Welder

JJ wants to know if everyone is still interested in winning over Kaitlyn's heart and Tony let him know, that yes, he is.

Then, we learn that Tony was into Britt, but now Kaitlyn has figured out the combination to his heart.

Kaitlyn is very attracted to a man with a child. Clearly, JJ did not lead with the pickup line about living with his parents and being divorced. She was so into him that after he kissed her, she said, "thank you for doing that."

Joe took Kaitlyn outside and just kissed her. They didn't talk at all.

JJ got the rose.



Kaitlyn feels #soblessed to be in that room with her future husband.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn outside and DEM BOYZ are MAD. Mad. Mad. He is not there to make friends. FORMER INVESTMENT BANKERS DON'T PLAY.

Why is JJ the only guy walking around drinking red wine? That concerns me more than anything.

What is an executive recruiter? Maybe JJ should give the Old Spice guy his resume?

Ian compares his experience in the hospital and maybe not being able to run/walk again to... this.
He thinks being on a reality TV show to a lot like being in a coma.

I've never been in a coma or on a reality TV show, but I don't see it. IDK. IDK.

Everyone hates JJ. He wants to say he's sorry, but he's not sorry.

Tony is the most upset. He thinks "basic respect" has been manipulated. Good luck to Tony in life. Forever.

Kupah (not the guy from Mario Bros.) doesn't want to be there any longer than he has to be. He knows he could be filling a minority quota. Too soon, Kupah. Too soon. This show has been on for 13 years or something-- you can't bring that up now. Then, the conversation got weird and Kaitlyn and Kupah spent the whole time accusing/asking the other, "do you SEE me?"

If someone asked me, "do you SEE me?" I would take them very literally.

Kaitlyn does NOT see him anymore. She did see him, but now she does not see him.
She saw when they talked about music and before this, but now she cannot see him.

Kaitlyn has lost her eyesight.
She can hear everything he is saying, but she just needs some time now.



Kupah goes back to the group to replay his conversation and Kaitlyn hears every word he says, so she calls him out and asks him to leave right there. gUrl don't play.

"That's pretty shitty." -- Kupah
"Yeah, it is." -- Kaitlyn

"I don't want to go home." -- Kupah
This is getting bad. 

"I think you're hot." -- Kupah

Kupah is just chugging his drink and trying to fight. This is the worst breakup I have ever seen on this show.

Kupah questions the producers and just wants to GO HOME, DUDE.
He's yelling and Kaitlyn ain't PLAY'N.

And that was that.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

the bachelorette :: epi 1 : two for the price of one.

Oh, thank goodness. The world is still wrapped up in what surely has to be God's least favorite time of the week.

So, this season of the "The Bachelorette" presents us with two women and 25 men who must choose between the two women. TWIST. We start the season for a 4-hour recap of the two gUrls' lives from birth to present.

gUrl1: Britt
She that makeup gUrl from the last season.

gUrl2: Kaitlyn
She that gUrl with jokes.

Since we have another 2 hours of this debacle of debauchery, this will be a quick breakdown.



Jonathan-- he works in the "extremely fun" automotive industry. Maybe that's why the whole city of Detroit is in the shitter-- everyone thinks manufacturing cars is "extremely fun." Also, this guy said he had a son and now he has a constant companion and friend and someone to have his back at all times. He said this about a child. I mean, I feel you, J... at this point, I want to have children because I honestly don't know who is going to take care of me when I'm 80. There won't be anybody to take my keys away from me, so I'll just be driving myself around with poor eyesight and slow reactionary timing.

Stripper-- His mom must feel so confused. "This is my son, the aspiring lawyer who would love for you to touch his chest."

Welder in Idaho-- Keep moving.

Restaurant Manager-- His pickup line has to be, "You know that Applebee's on the interstate outside of Bowling Green-- that's me!" What is this LoveMan thing? His dog wears a cape. Everything is sad.

Meditation Guy-- The further he drifts away in his mind the closer he gets to where he wants to be. I hope he never drifts my way. Also, he kissed his plants.


So, the guys start arriving and I have to imagine that it's a terrible feeling to compete for attention like that. I used to tell my prettiest friends they weren't allowed to talk at certain events because I didn't want guys to like them more. (A tactic that has really worked for me, ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The more I watch the more I want Hillary Clinton to be president.

The stripper arrives and I mean. How does that happen? How does anyone think that is okay? In all seriousness, would they ever let a female stripper on the show? If so, would she be able to do that to a guy?

That one guy is trolling Britt so hard with the Kleenex.

g2 wants to be the bachelorette, so she ran inside.
g1 "needs" to be the bachelorette.

I think one of those plants must have punched that meditation guy.

The guys are inside debating who they like more. One time, in 8th grade I had my best friend call this guy I liked and he didn't know I was on the line and she asked him if he liked me. He was sweet about it, but he still said NO WAY IN HELL. That's what this feels like.

That one guy is wasted. I've been a lot of places in my life and even in the worst of those places, that guy is the worst.

"I want to take both of them out for a nice steak dinner and never call them again." -- Drunk Guy
I'm into that. 

So, the guy with the hot tub car pulls up.

From an engineering perspective, I have so many questions. Does it meet government safety standards? Are there seat belts?

So, somewhere in California there is a 22-year-old production assistant who excitedly told his mother he got a job on a TV show. Then, he was the one who had to drive that hot tub car off-camera and all of his dreams died. He went back to school and got a business degree.


The party finally starts and BORED.

The drunk guy got grabby and Chris Harrison put him in an all-white Larry van and that was that.

Side note: if you're a former investment banker, you're not an investment banker. You don't get to carry the title with you.

A former anything is a current unemployed something.

"You have a sponsor child." -- Guy
"Yes! It's my everything." -- g1
Confession-- I quit my sponsor child once. She just wasn't pulling her weight, you know. I'm kidding. Sorry, Patricia. 

So, if you're an amateur sex coach that means you're a sex coach for free. Which means you're actually just a guy handing out unsolicited sex advice.

Conclusion: amateur sex coach is honestly the saddest thing I have ever thought could happen to a person. Ever.

Follow-up conclusion: I'm sure there are people out there who need sex advice. Some of those people might even pay for it. But, would they pay a guy who drives a hot tub car for it? No.

Sad. Sad. Sad. I'd rather watch the evening news (because what's more depressing?) than think about this guy's life plan for one more second.

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